Jokes Galore!
Adrian_Malprave
Posts: 30MI6 Agent
Hi, Post your jokes here. Below is a list of very funney stuff. If there is swearing that is not cut out please forgive me because this information is not written by me:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A
SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES,
KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
the box) -DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to....?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A
SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES,
KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
the box) -DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to....?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)
Comments
You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house
It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
You live with your parents and you are 30 years old.(And they prefer it
that way)
You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course....aluminium
foil.
You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport
You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it is normal
You peel the stamps off letters that the postal service missed to markup
You recycle wedding gifts
You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it is the
remote control, vcr, carpet or new couch
When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in
your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out
You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table
You use grocery bags to hold garbage
You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used, but
carefully rinsed, margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars
You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means
any car ride longer than 15 minutes)
If you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door
to
your parents, or at least in the same neighbourhood
You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've
eaten, even if it's midnight
Your parents never go to the movies
Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have
improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their
lungs.
You have a plastic rug-runner going down your hallway at home.
on a toddler's play-pen with girl in picture
NOTICE- CHILD NOT INCLUDED
i saw that at meijer's one time...i about crapped my pants laughing.
DO NOT PEE IN POOL (USE THE BATHROOM)
I thought this was hilarious.
I'll add some more on tomorrow.
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife, "Robert"
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11.Some Kittens Can Fly.
12.That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13.Grandpa Gets a Casket
14.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16.The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17.Strangers Have the Best Candy
18.Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19.You Were an Accident
20.Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21.Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22.The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23.Your Nightmares Are Real
24.Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25.Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26.Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27.Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28.Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
"If this Fooo poops on your head and you wipe it off you will die immediatly."
The professor then sets out on a mission with 5 other mates to capture this Fooo.
But after a month all 5 mates have been run over by rhinos because they wiped it off.
Then the professor gets hit. "I think I'll wait," he says as he puts a cowboy hat over it.
20 YEARS LATER
Wedding Day. His wife demands he wipe it off. He wipes it off and gets hit by the limbo.
The moral of the story is:
(Instead of, If the the shoe fits wear it)
If the Foo sh*ts wear it.
One day, all of the parts of the body held a convention to see who should be in charge. The Brain spoke up and said, "I should be in charge--I do all of the thinking. Without me, you'd all be nowhere!" Then the Eyes chimed in: "No, we should be in charge--without us none of you could see where you're going!" The Heart, very indignant, had his say: "I'm the one who should be in charge--who do you think keeps the blood pumping?" The Stomach grumbled and exclaimed, "I ought to be in charge--I take in the fuel and keep this body running!" The Legs had to have their say as well, so they cried in unison: "We should be in charge--without us, you wouldn't be able to go anywhere!"
While the parts of the body were all arguing, a very tiny voice was heard: it was the Anus. "I should be in charge!" the Anus squeaked. All of the parts of the body stopped their squabbling, regarded the little Anus, and laughed uproariously.
The Anus was so shamed and indignant that he shut down. Within a day, the Brain couldn't reason clearly, the Eyes couldn't focus, the Heart was pumping irratically, the Stomach was queasy, and the Legs were wobbly. The parts of the body cried out to the Anus, "We give up! You can be in charge!" The Anus opened up and the parts of the body functioned as normal.
And the moral of the story is: to be the boss, you have to be a real @sshole.
Ok, here are some funny pics. Their are really disgusting funny ones I have but I wont put em up cause they can be offensive to some.
[img= http://members.tripod.com/bigdom2000/vagrplants.jpg]
[img= http://members.tripod.com/bigdom2000/stupid.jpg]
[img= http://members.tripod.com/bigdom2000/male_brain.jpg]
This images and jokes come from the page www.funnypages.itgo.com (some pictures are sickly revolting).
Just use the link if you want to see the pictures, not the picture link but the website itself.
I have no idea why the pictures were cut off.
Found the below interesting but can our American friends verify this or is it merely wordplay
Linoln /Kennedy This is one history lesson people don't mind reading.
Have a history teacher explain this
if they can.
> > >
> > > Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
> > > John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
> > >
> > > Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
> > > John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
> > >
> > > Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
> > >
> > > Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
> > >
> > > Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
> > >
> > > Both Presidents were shot in the head.
> > >
> > > Now it gets really weird.....
> > >
> > > Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
> > > Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
> > >
> > > Both were assassinated by Southerners.
> > >
> > > Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
> > >
> > > Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon
> > Johnson,
> > > who
> > > succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
> > >
> > > John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
> > > Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
> > >
> > > Both assassins were known by their three names.
> > >
> > > Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
> > >
> > > Now hang on to your seat......
> > >
> > > Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
> > > Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
> > >
> > > Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
> > >
> > > And here's the kicker.......
> > >
> > > A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
> > > A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
> > >
I hope the following joke doesn't cause too much controversy. If so, please PM me and I'll edit it out and replace it.
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row
when he hears a thumping sound coming from his
parents room. Finally one morning he goes to
his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear
you and daddy making noises and when I look
in your bedroom your're bouncing up
and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says,
"Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach
because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies,
"Because the lady next door comes by after
you leave each day and blows him back up.
EDIT: First time I've heard that joke, Hardy. Classic!
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. If i nibble on another breast i'll gag.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
You can add this one to the list:
How long do I have to beat it before it's ready?
OH, TO BE SIX AGAIN
The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early,
got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms
and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day!
They went on every ride in the park.
The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash
Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted
Mansion. Five hours later she staggered out of the
theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach
felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy, M and M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well,dear,
what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.
"Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna
get it wrong.
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada " "No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia,
and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese
businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people,
by the people, for the people,
shall not perish from the earth' ?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class,
"Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Fu*k the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said,
"I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now,
who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,
"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher:
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Bloke driving along in the car, when he gets pulled over by plod.
Police Officer says "Having you been drinking sir?"
Driver replies "Why, Is there a fat bird in the passenger seat!"
After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey
Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
"The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said
he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him
to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
After the Chelsea fiasco Jose Mourinho just wants to put everything behind him and be left alone. He wants to go back to Portugal and never be heard from again.
The McCann's have offered to help.
Foot and mouth has been found on a Scottish farm. Still no clue as to the rest of the wherabouts of Colin McRae