I've been looking through some old family papers which have come to light since the
Family castle blew up for some reason. , Still patching it together but so far it seems
to be .....
Britain 1859, ok let’s call it seven o'clock. The Empire stands strong and our noble Queen sits astride a strengthened throne, as she has put on a little weight. The Colonies were still being exploited and politicians could still be bought for a reasonable sum.
From this idyllic picture who could be fooled into thinking all was well, peaceful and content. But in those later years of the Nineteenth century little did we know just how dangerous and unsafe we really were …………
The shadowy figure moved, quickly through the darkened office, occasionally glancing about like a Meer cat, checking for danger. He checked several doors, all locked, until finally one opened. Leading through to a large room, he could hear the sound of water, a pool? Yes, in the gloom he could see the outline of a swimming pool. Suddenly the room was filled with light! And a voice from somewhere above began to speak, it sounded cruel and unfeeling, for a second he thought it might be his wife.
“You sir, have been a little too clever”
A door opened on the far side of the pool and several girls in long robes began to enter.
“To betray me, is a bad mistake”
The girls lined up beside the pool, dropping their robes to reveal rather saucy swimming attire, he raised an eyebrow.
“Now, it’s time for your punishment!”
He heard the swish of air, as something hit him on the back of the head and he sagged and fell forward falling head first into the pool. The girls in perfect unison dived in after. Only stunned he treaded water as the girls surrounded him. Their never changing smiles had a grotesque, frightening appearance, music filled the room, and in time to it the girls removed long pins from the buns in their hair.
Still in time to the music they swirled around him, occasionally one would move in to stab him, then another. Soon the water around him was a deep scarlet, and he could feel the life leaving him.
Above the pool in an opulently decorated viewing room several shadowy figures sat around a long Queen Anne table. In the corner a string quartet finished their display with a flourish.
The room was now in silence as many were shocked at the brutality they had just witnessed. At the head of the table in silhouette a figure turned to the assembled group. He watched as the girls left the pool, once again lining up to leave by the door they had entered by. The figure reached down to pull up a brass handle, there was the sound of gears engaging. Below the floor of the pool began to separate, and water began pouring out. It took only a matter of minutes until it was completely empty and the pools floor was back in place.
The figure rose to address the group,
“So gentlemen are there any other double agents, I need to … Flush out?”
Below in the great city of London, a body fell from the airship, to land in the next days newspapers front pages! At the same time in a small and exclusive gentlemen’s club, gambling away his last few pounds sat Hercules Bonaparte Thunderpussy, formerly of the women’s auxiliary cake baking display team. and Horse Guard’s canteen services. Little did he know that soon this body would involve him in a mystery so shocking and unbelievable it would shake the very empire to its core! Leading him not only to danger ………………….. but to a very personal loss.
On opening his door TP knew he wasn’t alone. He could immediately pick up the unmistakable scent of rough shag. “Hello sir” he spoke before turning round to face his old commanding officer. “Fancy meeting you here.”
Col Hugo Headofservice sat in an armchair by the fire, roasting a small joint. He inhaled deeply on the joint and offered it to TP, who declined “Filthy habit, sir.”
“Yes on my way to a fancy dress party, only costume I could get.“
For a second TP thought of all the scrapes he had been through on the orders of this grand old warrior, the commando attack in Wigan on the sewage works, the naval action in the Sahara and the attack on the Windsor branch of the women’s institute a cover for the militant wing of the suffragettes.
“Look TP, cutting to the chase, without going round the houses, No shilly shallying about, to be perfectly frank, to come straight to the point, to …… “
He went on about coming to the point for about twenty minutes, before coming to the point.
“We are in a bit of a fix. Several of our best agents have been killed, Caststairs was thrown down some stairs, Wells was drowned in a well, and Ramsbottom’s death is just too horrible to speak of, and now this!”
He passed a file across to TP. A quick glance showed that apparently a body had been dropped on to the flag pole of Buckingham Palace.
“Naturally Her Majesty is very upset, blood is a hell of a job to get off a flag, and it’s
our best one “
“Do you think it’s a leak?”
“No, the Welsh aren’t involved, ……… this time, But someone seems to know all our agents.” He inhaled again, letting the smoke out, smooth and easy.
“So we need a new face, someone unknown to any of our secret service, so unknown to our enemies!”
“And you’re thinking of me sir?”
“What? Really hadn’t thought of you. I thought you might know of someone; mention one of the old boys. but I suppose you might fit the bill.” He tossed the finished joint into the fire.
“Yes, it might just work. We need a drunkard, a womaniser…”
“I get the picture…”
“ …. A gambler, a waster……
“I see, sir…”
“… a cad and a bounder…
“Sir…”
“A complete git! And you’re our man. Now”
He picked up his hat and walked to the door.
“Meet me in my club tomorrow, and practice your card skills, you’ll need them”
And with that he was gone.
TP immediately began to rehash his many card skills, collecting his many books on the subject
Browns book of Cardification, Wilmslow’s book of Card manipulation, Snodgood’s bumper book of card alignment and the ever pleasant Ladybird book of simple card tricks for boys.
Many hours were spent practicing the overhand shuffle, the underhand shuffle, the perplexed side nudge, the nipple erectional palm and the coy, the buttock grab and clench, telling someone their shoe lace is undone. While you have a quick look through the deck.
Only after several hours of this manipulation did TP feel he was ready, but for what?
Col Headofservice had given little to no information, all he had seen in the file he’d been shown was the name Suspiciousforeigner. Erasmus Suspiciousforeigner?
After a hearty breakfast of doves roasted in pig fat and a delicious swan sausage all washed down with a bottle of port, and another quick sleep. Evening fell and it was time to meet the Col again.
TP left his flat and hailed a handsome cab, and boy was he handsome, shirtless and rubbing oil all over his well toned torso, every muscle perfectly defined.
“23, Gambling House Terrace, and quickly”
There was a clatter of hooves, a snort from the horse and they were off travelling quickly. TP couldn’t help but think the cabbie should have waited until he had gotten into the cab before leaving, so hailed another. The less well known but equally as good plain but with a good personality cab, and he was off.
The Gambling House Terrace Club was well known throughout London, very exclusive and only for the elite, it catered to royalty and top politicians and businessmen. It was said that the late Prime Minister Sir Bossespeopleabout lost his family fortune here over a weekend, which led to massive tax rises the next week as he got the country to pay his debts.
TP’s coat and hat were taken by Snivelling the clubs valet, his family had been kissing the backsides of the rich and famous here for generations, he bowed and asked TP to follow him to the Meeting room where Guests would be met by a club member and formally invited into the club’s guest area, then to be invited to the clubs, gathering room before finally getting into the clubs waiting room, when after getting a number you could join a list of others waiting on available dates to see friends at the club. Luckily the Colonel had pulled a few strings and could bypass this final room to allow TP to enter the club itself.
“Ah! good to see you again. You’ll join me at dinner before we go in to the tables.“
He led TP through some large ornate doors into the dining room already full of diners. Sitting at the Col’s Table they had a good view of the room. Many celebrities of the day were there. Sir Jeremy of Clarkson the famous Racing horse reviewer, Lady Nigella Lawson, the cook and the vulgar American songstress the Lady Gaga.
As in keeping with the tastes of the day they dined on a large cut of venison, freshly
removed from the deer, as the club keeps a few acres in Regents Park for those club members who wish to hunt deer, boar or some local peasants. It was prepared by their table, roasted and smothered in cat dripping mixed with the newly discovered butter of fish guts. It was delicious and quite the most excellent meal TP had tasted in quite some time. After they had eaten, brandy and cigars were produced, which they wolfed down, it was a favoured dessert of the Col’s, and soon after, he spoke of what he wanted TP to do.
“This chap Suspiciousforeigner is a friend to the Prime Minister, they went to the same school. All standard stuff, Suspiciousforeigner was the school bully, a highly prized position. His family is from Düsseldorf, made their fortune in Lederhosen and the Knockwurst Mines in Germany. “
“So he’s very big in the trouser department, sir?”
“Well I don’t think he’s had any complaints, TP. Although all the agents who’ve died have been investigating links to his companies. His only vice apart from horse racing, fencing, mountain climbing, clog dancing, amateur dramatics and sheep worrying is cards. He’s been making a fortune out of the members here. I was hoping you’d play him, lose badly so he’d have a hold over you and might offer you a job to pay off your debt. “
Just then the gong at the side of the room was struck, the sign that the tables were now open.
“Come along TP, let me show you our quarry.“
The gaming room was set out in the usual fashion for any Casino, tables for musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey, blind man’s bluff, Bingo and guess the weight of the fruit cake were all on display nothing unusual there, but to the back of the room was a door marked suspiciously (High stakes card games, no riffraff or government agents allowed). The Col grabbed TP’s arm “That’s him over by the fireplace”.
Casually TP glanced across “Got him, with that bushy ginger greasy hair, and lecherous eye, a duelling scar across his right cheek, He looks a bad one and no mistake”
“That’s the Prince of Wales, to the right of him the man to his right!” Quickly TP changed his view. Yes, a tall thin man, black hair slicked straight back, thin eyebrows and a cruel mouth, Eyes that you could just drift off to an idyllic dream land of romance...
“Stop staring at him TP, He’s coming over”
Suspiciousforeigner moved with all the grace and alacrity of a caged big cat, he almost glided across the floor to meet them, only on his arrival did TP notice he was on a skate board.
“My latest invention gentlemen, perhaps a little ahead of its time but give it one hundred years or so and it will be very popular I think.”
He spoke with no accent, his voice full of honey and the promise of forbidden rendezvous present in the air.
“Good evening Mr Suspiciousforeigner, May I introduce my guest for the evening an old army friend Mr Thunderpussy”
“Pleased to meet you I’m sure.” His hand shake was firm and short.
“You’re just what we need, some new blood. What’s your game Mr Thunderpussy?”
He gestured with his hand around the room.
“Bingo, Pin the tail on the Donkey or perhaps your tastes is for something a little stronger, a little more dangerous, and a little more risky?”
“I take risks all the time; I eat a lot of carry out food, and drink at the SBS.”
“Good man, how do you feel about Snap or even better if you dare, Top Trumps!”
A murmur charged across the room, everyone knew a challenge had been declared.
“How can I refuse so gracious an invitation?”
“Splendid!” beamed a delighted Suspiciousforeigner “Come, I have a private room here for such card games” and with that he turned, hopped on his skate board and sailed over to the card room.
“Well TP, lets hope you’re as good as you think you are!”
Although he hated to admit it, even TP thought he may have bitten off too much.
Please forgive all my grammar and spelling mistakes ( I did my best) and if I'm going to write a short story, I'm
going to be the star ! )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I've moved back to my childhood home for the summer. It's been summer weather for two full days ion a row and the scenery is the stuff of chocolate adverts and controled substances. I'm looking forward to seing my childhood friends and my sisters and their families.
Today is Mr @Mrs AS ,30th wedding anniversary ,my god was it really 30 years ago today ,where has the time gone,
make the most of your lives guys ,time flies very fast ,
Comments
The Fry Who Loved Me
Fishfinger
A View To A Grill
...and I have statistics to prove it!
Family castle blew up for some reason.
to be .....
Britain 1859, ok let’s call it seven o'clock. The Empire stands strong and our noble Queen sits astride a strengthened throne, as she has put on a little weight. The Colonies were still being exploited and politicians could still be bought for a reasonable sum.
From this idyllic picture who could be fooled into thinking all was well, peaceful and content. But in those later years of the Nineteenth century little did we know just how dangerous and unsafe we really were …………
The shadowy figure moved, quickly through the darkened office, occasionally glancing about like a Meer cat, checking for danger. He checked several doors, all locked, until finally one opened. Leading through to a large room, he could hear the sound of water, a pool? Yes, in the gloom he could see the outline of a swimming pool. Suddenly the room was filled with light! And a voice from somewhere above began to speak, it sounded cruel and unfeeling, for a second he thought it might be his wife.
“You sir, have been a little too clever”
A door opened on the far side of the pool and several girls in long robes began to enter.
“To betray me, is a bad mistake”
The girls lined up beside the pool, dropping their robes to reveal rather saucy swimming attire, he raised an eyebrow.
“Now, it’s time for your punishment!”
He heard the swish of air, as something hit him on the back of the head and he sagged and fell forward falling head first into the pool. The girls in perfect unison dived in after. Only stunned he treaded water as the girls surrounded him. Their never changing smiles had a grotesque, frightening appearance, music filled the room, and in time to it the girls removed long pins from the buns in their hair.
Still in time to the music they swirled around him, occasionally one would move in to stab him, then another. Soon the water around him was a deep scarlet, and he could feel the life leaving him.
Above the pool in an opulently decorated viewing room several shadowy figures sat around a long Queen Anne table. In the corner a string quartet finished their display with a flourish.
The room was now in silence as many were shocked at the brutality they had just witnessed. At the head of the table in silhouette a figure turned to the assembled group. He watched as the girls left the pool, once again lining up to leave by the door they had entered by. The figure reached down to pull up a brass handle, there was the sound of gears engaging. Below the floor of the pool began to separate, and water began pouring out. It took only a matter of minutes until it was completely empty and the pools floor was back in place.
The figure rose to address the group,
“So gentlemen are there any other double agents, I need to … Flush out?”
Below in the great city of London, a body fell from the airship, to land in the next days newspapers front pages! At the same time in a small and exclusive gentlemen’s club, gambling away his last few pounds sat Hercules Bonaparte Thunderpussy, formerly of the women’s auxiliary cake baking display team. and Horse Guard’s canteen services. Little did he know that soon this body would involve him in a mystery so shocking and unbelievable it would shake the very empire to its core! Leading him not only to danger ………………….. but to a very personal loss.
On opening his door TP knew he wasn’t alone. He could immediately pick up the unmistakable scent of rough shag. “Hello sir” he spoke before turning round to face his old commanding officer. “Fancy meeting you here.”
Col Hugo Headofservice sat in an armchair by the fire, roasting a small joint. He inhaled deeply on the joint and offered it to TP, who declined “Filthy habit, sir.”
“Yes on my way to a fancy dress party, only costume I could get.“
For a second TP thought of all the scrapes he had been through on the orders of this grand old warrior, the commando attack in Wigan on the sewage works, the naval action in the Sahara and the attack on the Windsor branch of the women’s institute a cover for the militant wing of the suffragettes.
“Look TP, cutting to the chase, without going round the houses, No shilly shallying about, to be perfectly frank, to come straight to the point, to …… “
He went on about coming to the point for about twenty minutes, before coming to the point.
“We are in a bit of a fix. Several of our best agents have been killed, Caststairs was thrown down some stairs, Wells was drowned in a well, and Ramsbottom’s death is just too horrible to speak of, and now this!”
He passed a file across to TP. A quick glance showed that apparently a body had been dropped on to the flag pole of Buckingham Palace.
“Naturally Her Majesty is very upset, blood is a hell of a job to get off a flag, and it’s
our best one “
“Do you think it’s a leak?”
“No, the Welsh aren’t involved, ……… this time, But someone seems to know all our agents.” He inhaled again, letting the smoke out, smooth and easy.
“So we need a new face, someone unknown to any of our secret service, so unknown to our enemies!”
“And you’re thinking of me sir?”
“What? Really hadn’t thought of you. I thought you might know of someone; mention one of the old boys. but I suppose you might fit the bill.” He tossed the finished joint into the fire.
“Yes, it might just work. We need a drunkard, a womaniser…”
“I get the picture…”
“ …. A gambler, a waster……
“I see, sir…”
“… a cad and a bounder…
“Sir…”
“A complete git! And you’re our man. Now”
He picked up his hat and walked to the door.
“Meet me in my club tomorrow, and practice your card skills, you’ll need them”
And with that he was gone.
TP immediately began to rehash his many card skills, collecting his many books on the subject
Browns book of Cardification, Wilmslow’s book of Card manipulation, Snodgood’s bumper book of card alignment and the ever pleasant Ladybird book of simple card tricks for boys.
Many hours were spent practicing the overhand shuffle, the underhand shuffle, the perplexed side nudge, the nipple erectional palm and the coy, the buttock grab and clench, telling someone their shoe lace is undone. While you have a quick look through the deck.
Only after several hours of this manipulation did TP feel he was ready, but for what?
Col Headofservice had given little to no information, all he had seen in the file he’d been shown was the name Suspiciousforeigner. Erasmus Suspiciousforeigner?
After a hearty breakfast of doves roasted in pig fat and a delicious swan sausage all washed down with a bottle of port, and another quick sleep. Evening fell and it was time to meet the Col again.
TP left his flat and hailed a handsome cab, and boy was he handsome, shirtless and rubbing oil all over his well toned torso, every muscle perfectly defined.
“23, Gambling House Terrace, and quickly”
There was a clatter of hooves, a snort from the horse and they were off travelling quickly. TP couldn’t help but think the cabbie should have waited until he had gotten into the cab before leaving, so hailed another. The less well known but equally as good plain but with a good personality cab, and he was off.
The Gambling House Terrace Club was well known throughout London, very exclusive and only for the elite, it catered to royalty and top politicians and businessmen. It was said that the late Prime Minister Sir Bossespeopleabout lost his family fortune here over a weekend, which led to massive tax rises the next week as he got the country to pay his debts.
TP’s coat and hat were taken by Snivelling the clubs valet, his family had been kissing the backsides of the rich and famous here for generations, he bowed and asked TP to follow him to the Meeting room where Guests would be met by a club member and formally invited into the club’s guest area, then to be invited to the clubs, gathering room before finally getting into the clubs waiting room, when after getting a number you could join a list of others waiting on available dates to see friends at the club. Luckily the Colonel had pulled a few strings and could bypass this final room to allow TP to enter the club itself.
“Ah! good to see you again. You’ll join me at dinner before we go in to the tables.“
He led TP through some large ornate doors into the dining room already full of diners. Sitting at the Col’s Table they had a good view of the room. Many celebrities of the day were there. Sir Jeremy of Clarkson the famous Racing horse reviewer, Lady Nigella Lawson, the cook and the vulgar American songstress the Lady Gaga.
As in keeping with the tastes of the day they dined on a large cut of venison, freshly
removed from the deer, as the club keeps a few acres in Regents Park for those club members who wish to hunt deer, boar or some local peasants. It was prepared by their table, roasted and smothered in cat dripping mixed with the newly discovered butter of fish guts. It was delicious and quite the most excellent meal TP had tasted in quite some time. After they had eaten, brandy and cigars were produced, which they wolfed down, it was a favoured dessert of the Col’s, and soon after, he spoke of what he wanted TP to do.
“This chap Suspiciousforeigner is a friend to the Prime Minister, they went to the same school. All standard stuff, Suspiciousforeigner was the school bully, a highly prized position. His family is from Düsseldorf, made their fortune in Lederhosen and the Knockwurst Mines in Germany. “
“So he’s very big in the trouser department, sir?”
“Well I don’t think he’s had any complaints, TP. Although all the agents who’ve died have been investigating links to his companies. His only vice apart from horse racing, fencing, mountain climbing, clog dancing, amateur dramatics and sheep worrying is cards. He’s been making a fortune out of the members here. I was hoping you’d play him, lose badly so he’d have a hold over you and might offer you a job to pay off your debt. “
Just then the gong at the side of the room was struck, the sign that the tables were now open.
“Come along TP, let me show you our quarry.“
The gaming room was set out in the usual fashion for any Casino, tables for musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey, blind man’s bluff, Bingo and guess the weight of the fruit cake were all on display nothing unusual there, but to the back of the room was a door marked suspiciously (High stakes card games, no riffraff or government agents allowed). The Col grabbed TP’s arm “That’s him over by the fireplace”.
Casually TP glanced across “Got him, with that bushy ginger greasy hair, and lecherous eye, a duelling scar across his right cheek, He looks a bad one and no mistake”
“That’s the Prince of Wales, to the right of him the man to his right!” Quickly TP changed his view. Yes, a tall thin man, black hair slicked straight back, thin eyebrows and a cruel mouth, Eyes that you could just drift off to an idyllic dream land of romance...
“Stop staring at him TP, He’s coming over”
Suspiciousforeigner moved with all the grace and alacrity of a caged big cat, he almost glided across the floor to meet them, only on his arrival did TP notice he was on a skate board.
“My latest invention gentlemen, perhaps a little ahead of its time but give it one hundred years or so and it will be very popular I think.”
He spoke with no accent, his voice full of honey and the promise of forbidden rendezvous present in the air.
“Good evening Mr Suspiciousforeigner, May I introduce my guest for the evening an old army friend Mr Thunderpussy”
“Pleased to meet you I’m sure.” His hand shake was firm and short.
“You’re just what we need, some new blood. What’s your game Mr Thunderpussy?”
He gestured with his hand around the room.
“Bingo, Pin the tail on the Donkey or perhaps your tastes is for something a little stronger, a little more dangerous, and a little more risky?”
“I take risks all the time; I eat a lot of carry out food, and drink at the SBS.”
“Good man, how do you feel about Snap or even better if you dare, Top Trumps!”
A murmur charged across the room, everyone knew a challenge had been declared.
“How can I refuse so gracious an invitation?”
“Splendid!” beamed a delighted Suspiciousforeigner “Come, I have a private room here for such card games” and with that he turned, hopped on his skate board and sailed over to the card room.
“Well TP, lets hope you’re as good as you think you are!”
Although he hated to admit it, even TP thought he may have bitten off too much.
Please forgive all my grammar and spelling mistakes ( I did my best)
going to be the star !
'big in the trouser department'
I read that with the voices of Kenneth Horne and Kenneth Williams in my head
" I don't listen to hip hop!"
Not mine obviously, they're just awful !
Result
That's 25 gran in your han'.
See the 1.19 mark for the quote I used:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzUQP9vRME8
Indeed. I have the boxset of the two series of Fonejacker and Facejacker. Much love for Kayvan Novak. :x
So this is what the news is refering to when they report "secterian violence" in Northern Ireland
make the most of your lives guys ,time flies very fast ,
The OH and I are having a small Wedding, a couple of Family Members and some Mates as Witnesses. Some People do go overboard with it.