While England's Dreaming: Discussion & Comment
jetsetwilly
Liverpool, UKPosts: 1,048MI6 Agent
Please people be as brutal as you like about my new fan fic. It's written as a serial, because I'm hoping that having an audience might encourage me to write further, but I want to hear opinions, suggestions, and especially criticisms!
Read the work in progress at:
http://www.ajb007.co.uk/index.php?topic=18786
Read the work in progress at:
http://www.ajb007.co.uk/index.php?topic=18786
Comments
Bond had assumed the role of smoking pariah and had slipped onto the deserted street outside for a blessed cigarette.
I love this line. In your first chapter when Bond was standing in the rain on the balcony and then lit up I thought aha, that explains why he's outside. It brings to vivid life all those smokers huddled up outside buildings no matter the inhospitable elements.
Oh and Catchlove... I knew there had to be a woman attached somewhere, it was wasted on an Angus.
MBE
You have begun what for me looks to be a very enjoyable read! I found it interesting the way you started the story, I felt like I had walked into a room that maybe I shouldn't have! But I'm glad that I did!
Your take on the smoking laws over here made me laugh out loud! (I'm not a smoker, so I tend to chuckle when I hear the smokers over here complain!)
Catchlove....now there's a name that truly belongs in a Bond adventure! Top marks to you for thinking that one up!
I found the scene where Samantha was going to commit suicide to be very reminiscent of the opening of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service", which is one of my top favorite Bond films!
I can't wait to read the next chapters of this!
I'm going to go out on a very short limb here and say that the members here at ajb007 write the *BEST* Bond fiction, bar none! The stories I have read thus far are more entertaining, and easier to get into than the Benson and even the Gardner books! And I really enjoyed the Gardner books!
Anyway, GREAT job so far jetsetwilly! When can we expect more chapters?! -{
This is superb Jetset.This is truly first rate and I think Ian Fleming would be proud.Perhaps even a bit envious.It's quite professional.Not enough for you?Okay then...
Your skill at describing each of the story's various locations is remarkable.It's all in the details and when I'm reading about these places I feel like I'm there.Bravo.
And that dramatic and cinematic cut seperating the distance of the two years,while also immediately linking them by their shared foul taste is terrific.Not every writer can make this type of transition work but you do,and you make it seem effortless.
I also like the characters and the way you've described them.Specific to a point but also just enough for the reader to create their own mental images-ala Fleming.The dialogue is good too-it all seems natural and that's usually tough to write.And these people are also interesting,to boot.
Additionally,your narrative voice is particularly fine and the Twin Snakes club is a logical and a worthy addition to James Bond's world.Fascinating and the humorous moments are funny too.Your comedic touches made me laugh out loud-- which I don't do all that often..
Overall,this is very impressive, Jetset.An excellent beginning to what promises to be an exciting and intriguing story.I look foreward to all of the remaining chapters.Well done.
There you go--harsh and brutal criticism.Take that!
Straight away jetset successfully creates an atmosphere that throws the reader into the mood of the piece, the description of New York is excellent. I entirely concur with those who have previously commented at the detail with which you describe New York and London, in addition the sentence structure and language used give the chapters a thoroughly professional sweep. I refer in particular to this rather superb paragraph,
"And suddenly, there he was. It took even him by surprise. The gentrification of Southwark was less a progression, more a lurch, with no-go areas still comfortably exisiting beside million-pound apartments. Now, suddenly the vast bulk of the Tate Modern loomed up before him. Its impassive brick form was an island of sophistication amongst a sea of dread. Across from its vast bulk, the dome of St Pauls was highlighted, the evening frosts glistening upon the copper dome. London is always at its best when it is discovered – when a wander through back roads turns up a picturesque garden square, when an escape from hectic City thoroughfares leads you to a tiny Wren church where time is non-existent – and the sharp contrast between the grimy industrial streets and the twin visions of the capital’s legendary centre of worship and its greatest centre for art reminded Bond once again of why he loved London, and by extension, his country, so much."
Perfect.
This level of detail is continued throughout (such as that of the various restaraunts), and it most certainly adds inestimably to the quality of the chapters. In my view details of the little things, even the most inconsequential of things that may take on greater significance later, are what made Fleming a great writer, Orwell too (my favourite author), and once I have read When England's Dreaming jetset may join that list of great authors as well (perhaps I'm exaggerating, but we'll see).
In The Bodyguard, I appreciate the way in which you introduced M without moving the scene, rather in the form of a 'flashback' of sorts.
And the name, Catchlove, only in Bond!
The way in which you describe Dr Catchlove's death is inspired, as well as shocking. I especially like the line, "puppet shaking on jerkily pulled strings."
On the whole, the first chapter is relatively action-packed, which is a great way to introduce a story, a Bond story particularly. I find myself entirely in agreement with W.G. in regards to the expert way in which the two chapters are linked. Bond's discovery of Samantha is written with grace and style, the conflict her presence places Bond in makes for some great reading.
The second chapter introduces some well-judged humour, Bond's dislike of the "excited!!!!!! exclamtion!!!!!! marks!!!!!!" shows how one can raise a smirk on the reader's part without descending into silliness. In addition to this, once again we are given an insight into Bond's smoking habits, which is always good. Finally it ends on a remarkable cliff-hanger, which is why I hope it shan't be long before you post chapter three.
Naomi_Fan is in my opinion absolutely correct, AJB does boast the finest fan fiction writers, from scaramanga1 to Dortmunder to frostbitten (whose excellent short The Corners Of Her Mind I am currently re-reading in order to review in the relevant topic) to all the collabarative authors who did such marvellous work with the full-length novels.
One complaint, superficial as it is, could you space the paragraphs with an empty line next time? It would just make it easier to read.
PS. I enjoy your writing style, makes me want to I don't know, read or something! Great work. -{
Anyhow, not bad, but I'm not too effusive:
1) Too many descriptions of the weather as if to add depth.
2) Some bitter observations eg demented evengelists, Angus being a short bloke 'with the need to make up for it' a bit of a generalisation
3) Bond is an SH1T in this, copping off with the bloke's wife is a bit much really
4) Yet another "Bond screws up" case where he must redeem himself. Is he any good as a spy at all?
Still, I kept reading it, but de-Flemingise it by about 20 per cent. Also I can't really believe that secret service agents meet up to swap stories, or that the email would have loadsa !!! marks.
Roger Moore 1927-2017
Good work.Keep it up!
Brilliant piece jetset, very atmospheric and original. The descriptive passages were just right, enough to paint a detailed picture in the reader's mind without boring them to death. I particularly liked the setting of the scene around the UN, with the salty sea air, and the image of Bond walking through Southark with the youths on the streets was rather inspired. I really didn't see the twist coming in the story either, and Samantha's tragic persona was well built toward the end.
The only thing I really did cringe at was the excited!!!! exclamation!!!! marks!!! but then, that's what they were intended to do - it made Bond cringe too and working in that kind of area, i.e. MoD etc. I know all to well the type of email that was being described!
Is there going to be more?
First of all, though, I'd like to say thanks for your kind words and compliments. It's always good to feel like people are enjoying what you write, and I hope that you'll continue to enjoy each successive piece. As WG noted, I'm using Fleming's Bond as a model, not the Bond of the films (which is why he's such an SH1T
To adress a couple of specific points that have been brought up though:
1) I can't claim credit for The Twin Snakes Club; it's actually mentioned in one of the Fleming novels (OHMSS, I think). It's only mentioned in passing, however - this is the first time we've "seen" it.
2) I can't claim credit for Samantha Catchlove, either (don't worry, there is some original stuff coming up!) - that was the name of a girl I went to school with!
3) JazzX - I know that Bond meeting Samantha at the moment she was about to commit suicide is fortuitous, but I don't think it's a completely unbelievable coincidence. Bond is, two years on, running into a girl who he once had an affair with in their shared home city - that seems a pretty reasonable situation. Besides, Fleming based YOLT on one of the most unlikely coincidences ever - Bond travels to the other side of the planet, on a completely unrelated mission, and still manages to run into Blofeld (a trick pretty much repeated in the film of DAF) - and we still all bought it!
Thanks again, all, and please carry on reading and commenting!
@merseytart
You're a professional writer,aren't you Jetset?Perhaps a famous novelist who comes here for amusement and laughs at us all...
Seriously,this is superb.Maybe after the Young James Bond series dies a quick death, you'll apply to IFP and be signed to do the continuation stuff.
OK now the petty stuff. I believe you used the word span for spun in a couple of places. And while I know smelt is perfectly acceptable word and interchangeable with smelled, and much more commonly used in the UK than the US, unless one is talking about small fish or steel I loathe it. Just the sight of it upset me so much it took me several more sentences to get into the chapter, and here I am still obsessing about it well after the fact. But I guess that's my problem.
MBE
I don't think she would be upset by it
I used variations of names of students in my 5th grade class when I was in that respective grade. (Back then it was random, but if I used names of people I know now, there would be some reason behind it and the person might figure out what that reason is lol)
I wouldn't mind reading this in the libary. This has a certain flare to it that I haven't seen for a while. Now I hope I won't have to eat those words...
MBE
That is a complement by the way.
You give us an episode -and one has to tune in straight away -but unfortunately can't enjoy the next until you are ready to air that particular chapter - it's so excruciating!
My whining has to be testimony to your great skill my friend.
Have a drink to toast your literary skill which is greater than Benson's and as enthralling as Fleming's. -{
A GREAT WORK OF FICTION! Now, that line is such an understatement when I'm referring to this wonderful serial you are cooking up! I am thoroughly impressed jetset! The echos of Fleming are quite unmistakable, and most welcome!
You have an amazing attention to even the tiniest of details, and this makes for some incredibly "in your face" reading!
I must bring up some of my favorite lines:
"...offended his palate like a glass of tar"-brilliant line!!
"The lift smelt of dried sweat and wet dog"-it's funny, I've been on escalators near Picadilly that have the exact same smell!
"...watching the concrete stairs twist below him then above him like an Escher drawing."- any fan of the illustrious M.C.Escher will get an acute feeling of what poor 007 went through!
Jetset, I can't wait to read the forthcoming chapters of this tome! At least I won't have to wait for chapter five, as it is already waiting for me!
I WILL post again..........(You did want us to be brutally honest!) :007)
It was an "homage" to Fleming. The chapter in Casino Royale is A Whisper of Love, A Whisper of Hate; I thought that not only was it an apt appropriation, but I also conspicuously avoided the "love" part - no hint of redemption or joy here!
Again, thanks for the compliments people, and I'll get round to writing Chapter 6 at some point
@merseytart
The descriptive passages in the latest installment are just wonderful, I was back at St Pauls, whispering to my friends on the other side; seeing it all happening.
I especially liked the little hint to Bond's childhood, which was quite tragic yet loving.
Looking forward to the rest of it!