That All-Purpose Casino Royale Review In Full
jetsetwilly
Liverpool, UKPosts: 1,048MI6 Agent
Since the DVD will soon be with us, I thought I'd save everyone a lot of work by doing the review for you. Simply delete as appropriate.
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I've just seen Casino Royale, and I have to say this is the best/worst thing to happen to Bond since Ian Fleming put pen to paper/Timothy Dalton took over/that double taking pigeon. I've read all the books and seen all the films/seen some of the films/played a videogame/rented this by mistake and I have to say that Daniel Craig is the closest the series has ever come to Fleming's Bond/Mr Potatohead.
Right from the first moment I was gripped/repulsed. The lack of a gun barrel was inspired/nauseating and the black and white sequence was gripping/confusing/rubbish. After that came the titles, which were fantastic/sadly lacking in naked ladies/putrid, and Chris Cornell's theme tune was terrible/terrible/really terrible.
The African action sequence took my breath away/made me want to vomit, and I am in awe of Sebastian Foucault's gymnastics/Daniel Craig's potato head. The best bit was when they fought on top of the crane/crashed through the embassy/showed something that wasn't Daniel Craig's potato head.
Next of course, we saw Judi Dench's M, whose appearances in this film were superb/chronologically incorrect/superb and chronologically incorrect/a pain in the rear. She confronts Bond in her apartment, and then the action moves to the Bahamas.
Here we meet the first Bond Girl, Solange, who is stunning/stunning. She is spotted by Bond as he rises from the sea in an homage to Ursula Andress/The Creature From The Black Lagoon, a moment which showcases Daniel Craig's impressive body/basket/potato head. Bond ends up winning an Aston Martin DB5 from Solange's husband at cards, a moment which is sweet/silly/completely illogical as it is a left hand drive car. Bond then proceeds to roll around on the floor with Solange, a moment which is erotic/sickening/going to cause them great regret in the morning when they see the carpet burns.
The action shifts to Miami, and we get a great/dull action sequence involving breathtaking action/interminable action/too much Richard Branson in which Bond prevents an aeroplane from being blown up/gets his ugly face smashed about and made even uglier.
The lack of exploding aeroplane is bad news for the villain/waste of space Le Chiffre, who had gambled on it with terrorist money. This means that Bond must now battle him for the money at the poker table in Montenegro. The replacement of poker for baccarat is a refreshing update/blasphemy/dull either way. Bond meets Vesper Lynd, the beautiful/demonic emissary from the Treasury/of the Undead. Vesper says that she will give Bond the money/eternal life so that he can beat Le Chiffre/join with her in Hades as ruler of the underworld. There is some banter between the two of them which is amusing/trite, until finally they arrive at the hotel.
Vesper gives Bond his very first tuxedo, which she had specially made because she had sized him up/from the flesh of her victims, and then the two of them go downstairs for the poker game to begin.
The game goes on for ever/a few nights, broken up by the occasional action sequence/moment of dialogue/daft bit involving a handy defibrilator. I'm sure I'm not giving too much away by saying that Bond wins/has a potato shaped head, which causes anxiety in Le Chriffre because he will now be killed/he is much better looking and has to play second fiddle to this freak.
Bond and Vesper celebrate with dinner and champagne/the blood of a virgin, until Vesper is called away by a fake text message/a contrived plot moment/the howl of a baying wolf, summoning her to feast upon the hordes. Bond gets suspicious, and arrives outside to see her being bundled into a car/turning into a bat. He gives chase, but crashes his car when his headlights bounce off Vesper's prone body/undead white skin.
Le Chiffre takes Bond to a rusting hulk and then strips him, causing fear/revulsion to ripple through the audience. Bond is tortured with a knotted rope/mirror, and unlike any other Bond, this one suffers/is hideous/has no genitals. Le Chiffre is finally shot by Mr White.
Bond recuperates, though he is affected by the experience/they couldn't do anything about his potato head and he and Vesper go off on a boat to Venice/across the River Styx. Vesper becomes worried however when she spots a mysterious one eyed man/Van Helsing in the crowds. She disappears the next day, and through great deduction/a ridiculous contrivance/God knows how he realises that she was a traitor/creature from the pit all along and must be destroyed/destroyed. It all boils down to a magnificent/pointless action sequence where a building collapses and Vesper drowns/becomes even paler than before/bides her time for when she can return to Earth and rule it with her Satanic hordes.
The final scene sees Bond taking his revenge on Mr White, leading to him uttering the legendary final line Bond, James Bond/I don't look bad in this light/I used to be a serious actor you know/Head, Potato Head.
Overall, ten/seven/minus forty out of ten, and I can't wait for Bond 22/Barbara Broccoli to be burned at the stake/Eva Green to take her rightful place amongst the legions of the dead/the James Bond Mr Potatohead.
**********
I've just seen Casino Royale, and I have to say this is the best/worst thing to happen to Bond since Ian Fleming put pen to paper/Timothy Dalton took over/that double taking pigeon. I've read all the books and seen all the films/seen some of the films/played a videogame/rented this by mistake and I have to say that Daniel Craig is the closest the series has ever come to Fleming's Bond/Mr Potatohead.
Right from the first moment I was gripped/repulsed. The lack of a gun barrel was inspired/nauseating and the black and white sequence was gripping/confusing/rubbish. After that came the titles, which were fantastic/sadly lacking in naked ladies/putrid, and Chris Cornell's theme tune was terrible/terrible/really terrible.
The African action sequence took my breath away/made me want to vomit, and I am in awe of Sebastian Foucault's gymnastics/Daniel Craig's potato head. The best bit was when they fought on top of the crane/crashed through the embassy/showed something that wasn't Daniel Craig's potato head.
Next of course, we saw Judi Dench's M, whose appearances in this film were superb/chronologically incorrect/superb and chronologically incorrect/a pain in the rear. She confronts Bond in her apartment, and then the action moves to the Bahamas.
Here we meet the first Bond Girl, Solange, who is stunning/stunning. She is spotted by Bond as he rises from the sea in an homage to Ursula Andress/The Creature From The Black Lagoon, a moment which showcases Daniel Craig's impressive body/basket/potato head. Bond ends up winning an Aston Martin DB5 from Solange's husband at cards, a moment which is sweet/silly/completely illogical as it is a left hand drive car. Bond then proceeds to roll around on the floor with Solange, a moment which is erotic/sickening/going to cause them great regret in the morning when they see the carpet burns.
The action shifts to Miami, and we get a great/dull action sequence involving breathtaking action/interminable action/too much Richard Branson in which Bond prevents an aeroplane from being blown up/gets his ugly face smashed about and made even uglier.
The lack of exploding aeroplane is bad news for the villain/waste of space Le Chiffre, who had gambled on it with terrorist money. This means that Bond must now battle him for the money at the poker table in Montenegro. The replacement of poker for baccarat is a refreshing update/blasphemy/dull either way. Bond meets Vesper Lynd, the beautiful/demonic emissary from the Treasury/of the Undead. Vesper says that she will give Bond the money/eternal life so that he can beat Le Chiffre/join with her in Hades as ruler of the underworld. There is some banter between the two of them which is amusing/trite, until finally they arrive at the hotel.
Vesper gives Bond his very first tuxedo, which she had specially made because she had sized him up/from the flesh of her victims, and then the two of them go downstairs for the poker game to begin.
The game goes on for ever/a few nights, broken up by the occasional action sequence/moment of dialogue/daft bit involving a handy defibrilator. I'm sure I'm not giving too much away by saying that Bond wins/has a potato shaped head, which causes anxiety in Le Chriffre because he will now be killed/he is much better looking and has to play second fiddle to this freak.
Bond and Vesper celebrate with dinner and champagne/the blood of a virgin, until Vesper is called away by a fake text message/a contrived plot moment/the howl of a baying wolf, summoning her to feast upon the hordes. Bond gets suspicious, and arrives outside to see her being bundled into a car/turning into a bat. He gives chase, but crashes his car when his headlights bounce off Vesper's prone body/undead white skin.
Le Chiffre takes Bond to a rusting hulk and then strips him, causing fear/revulsion to ripple through the audience. Bond is tortured with a knotted rope/mirror, and unlike any other Bond, this one suffers/is hideous/has no genitals. Le Chiffre is finally shot by Mr White.
Bond recuperates, though he is affected by the experience/they couldn't do anything about his potato head and he and Vesper go off on a boat to Venice/across the River Styx. Vesper becomes worried however when she spots a mysterious one eyed man/Van Helsing in the crowds. She disappears the next day, and through great deduction/a ridiculous contrivance/God knows how he realises that she was a traitor/creature from the pit all along and must be destroyed/destroyed. It all boils down to a magnificent/pointless action sequence where a building collapses and Vesper drowns/becomes even paler than before/bides her time for when she can return to Earth and rule it with her Satanic hordes.
The final scene sees Bond taking his revenge on Mr White, leading to him uttering the legendary final line Bond, James Bond/I don't look bad in this light/I used to be a serious actor you know/Head, Potato Head.
Overall, ten/seven/minus forty out of ten, and I can't wait for Bond 22/Barbara Broccoli to be burned at the stake/Eva Green to take her rightful place amongst the legions of the dead/the James Bond Mr Potatohead.
Comments
You have no idea how tempting that set-up is...
Eva Green Empress of the Undead! (Not really, she's stunning)
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I have run out of superlatives to describe jetset's unbelievably brilliant wit and originality...I simply do not know what to say to this except, once again...THANKS!
Here's my favorite bit: A great change of pace, and oh so true!
Great review! {[]
However, be careful Jetset. Some of your material may be copyrighted over at CnB.
All this review is missing is Rougue's portrait of Eva as The Joker.
-Roger Moore
My fave is the potato head lines, dads still laughing at the van Helsing bit.
"I am not an entrant in the Shakespeare Stakes." - Ian Fleming
"Screw 'em." - Daniel Craig, The Best James Bond EverTM
You mean it hasn't already?
I'm sure you could make that argument Night. I was just trying to be diplomatic.
...and Chris Cornell's theme tune was terrible/terrible/really terrible.
That's a classic. A couple of tweaks and you'll be ready for Bond 22.