AVTAK Parody
Moonraker 5
Ayrshire, ScotlandPosts: 1,821MI6 Agent
While trawling through some old folders on my PC, I found this blast from the past. I posted it on here some good few years ago, but thought it might be worth another airing!
A View To A Kill
Abridged screenplay. Note from producers – lack of script not an error.
Fade to a pesky Russian helicopter flying over some ICEY, COLD PLACE. Cut to Bond wiping ice off a dead mans face. He finds the dead man’s locket and takes a microchip from it and we all feel a pang of sadness as we see the dead man’s wife and kids. A few seconds later and Bond is merrily snowboarding down hillsides to the tune of “California Girls”.
After dispatching the pesky Russian helicopter with a flare, he scrambles over the bright white ice to a dirty grey piece of Styrofoam with a Union Jack lid, which is invisible to Russian soldiers. Bond climbs in and…hold on a minute, that’s not the same youthful fit man we saw in the gunbarrell!! He’s old!! Still, moments later he’s having his way with the sexy, young, blonde MI6 agent who happens to pilot the Styrofoam.
Cut to poppy, catchy 80’s tune while nude women covered in Day-Glo paint fain skiing and writhe about on screen, unsmiling.
Fade to MONEYPENNY'S OFFICE.
BOND: I must say Moneypenny, you’re getting more haggard every movie!
MONEYPENNY: I haven’t had plastic surgery!
BOND: But of course you haven’t. <Gives startled look. It stays with him for the rest of the film>
M (through intercom): Omit the customary pleasantries Miss Moneypenny, like every other British government department we’re always running late.
Bond goes through to M’s office, where he greets Britain’s longest serving Defence Minister (crusty old devil well past retirement) and Q.
M: Those Russians have copied our new microchip; one that’s impervious to space-based radiation pulse weapons like the rumoured GoldenEye that the Russian’s have, which doesn’t pose any threat to us anymore. That guy Zorin took over our contractor and now all this has happened.
MINISTER: There’s obviously no connection with Zorin then.
BOND: I think there might be.
MINISTER: Don’t be stupid Bond! Have you not been listening?
M: Well, we’re going to investigate him anyway. That’s why we’re all dressed like prats. We’re going to the races.
Cut to ASCOT. Zorin is there, as are many pretty ladies in hats, and GRACE JONES!!! Dressed like Satan Himself, the Amazonian queen has “henchwoman” written all over her.
Zorin’s horse, Pegasus, wins and goes berserk, probably at the sight of Grace Jones. After much snarling and teeth gnashing, the crazed look in the animal’s eyes finally terrifies Pegasus into submission.
Patrick Macnee is introduced as Bond’s sidekick and suddenly Bond doesn’t look as old next to the octogenarian. He suggests a meeting with a French detective who’s investigating Zorin fixing races, as if he doesn’t have enough money, the spoiled brat.
Cut to PARIS, and the Eiffel Tower. The crappest entertainment of the decade seems to be taking place as some girl whistles at a bunch of creepy, annoying butterflies being swung round on a fishing rod by a mysterious black figure.
FRENCH STEREOTYPE: Hee-haw, hee-haw! Hee-haw hee-haw hee-haw, n’est pas? <pulls a lecherous face>
BOND: I’m not actually listening to you, as I, along with everyone else in the restaurant, have noticed that another mysterious black figure has just judo-chopped the first mysterious black figure in the windpipe.
FRENCH STEREOTYPE: Hee-haw hee-haw hee-haw! <Not noticing that the creepy butterflies are now whooshing round at breakneck speed> And now, I am going to make ze ‘I will be triumphant’ statement, which obviouzly means ‘am going to die! <Grins smugly>
As expected, one of the creepy butterflies gets him smack on the face, and even though it just appears to be a little pin prick, it kills him!
The mysterious black figure sprints up the stairs of the Eiffel Tower with superhuman-like prowess. Bond attempts to run after them, wheezing and panting.
The mysterious black figure jumps off Eiffel Tower, and no one in Paris notices as they float innocently down to earth.
Bond commandeers a taxicab from a moaning French taxi driver. No one gives a damn about his car because he’s a moaning Frenchy. After endangering the lives of everyone in central Paris by outrageously stupid driving, Renault executives are cheering Bond for making their car look a million times more reliable than the heap of junk actually is.
Bond jumps off a bridge and straight through the roof of a Bateaux-mouche, landing on a wedding cake on a table. Amazingly, he’s not only unharmed, but there’s no cake on his suit!
No one has noticed billionaire Max Zorin picking up his Amazonian girlfriend, the only woman visible from space, and jetting down the Seine in his speedboat.
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!!
GRACE JONES: A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!
Cut to BIG CHATEAUX
SCARPINE:. …<Long pause>…Mr St John Smythe! Your old chauffer can stay the night in the servant’s quarters.
BOND: Oh, is that it?
SCARPINE:……………...<long pause>…………….<long pause>………….<audience shuffle uncomfortably and look at their feet, so does Bond>………..No, that’s it over there. Let me escort you to the chateaux.
Girl in jodhpurs appears at the door of the chateaux
JENNY FLEX: Hi, I’m Jenny Flex. I’m sure there’s a pun in my name somewhere, but not a very good one. I’m the second token bad girl you’ve just met; bet you don’t even remember the one at the front gate, do you?
BOND: No, I don’t. But I’d like to trade some sleazy innuendos with you.
JENNY FLEX: I love an early morning ride.
BOND: I’m an early riser myself.
(Marketing analysts at Pfizer kick themselves for not thinking of product placement at this point)
A helicopter arrives and a sexy, blonde girl gets out to shake hands with Zorin. With hundreds of other people at the stud sales, she’s immediately a suspect...
Cut to POSH PARTY. Many ladies reject Bond’s lecherous glances, clever sound editing removes “P!ss off, granddad!” from final cut. After meeting some lazy-eyed, mad German professor and Zorin, who seems like a nice bloke, Bond spots the sexy, blonde girl and goes over to try his luck.
BOND: Hi, I’m English!
STACEY SUTTON: No sh*t Sherlock, get lost and leave me alone, granddad.
GRACE JONES (appearing from nowhere, making the audience crap themselves. She has horns!): <Says something, but the audience are too afraid to watch. She gives Bond an evil stare, but breaks it off before his eyes bleed.>
Cut to SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB. Bond and his octogenarian sidekick discover something uninteresting and distracting to the plot. Two guards find them, but miraculously Bond and old bloke manage to knock them out, even though the largest guard seems to get on the conveyer belt voluntarily.
Cut to GYM. Grace Jones and Max Zorin roll about on the floor, animal like grunting and gnashing of teeth can be heard, but most of the audience are covering their eyes. When they are interrupted and told two old codgers have broke into the secret lab, Grace dons the carcass of some late animal in a sort of fashion statement. No one sees because they’re still covering their eyes.
GRACE JONES: HE WAS THE WHEEZING OLD PENSIONER AT THE EFFIEL TOWER!!! I’ll get dressed into something hideous and dazzling.
Grace enters room to find an old wrinkly in her bed. Inexplicably, Bond and Grace Jones sleep with each other!! The audience all agree that being boiled to death would have been a preferable option had they been in that situation.
Next Morning
ZORIN: Did you sleep well? Ha ha ha!!
BOND: Are you kidding me? You knew fine well I was rolling about in bed with that…that…thing. I can’t even crack the “I got off eventually” comment, as it’s not humanly possible!
ZORIN: Good, good. Ha ha ha!! Look up into that mirror there, will you? I’m just going to check to see if you’re on my Secret Agent Database. And what do you know, you are! Ha ha ha!! Dangerous, too, apparently! Ha ha ha!! I could just shoot you in the head, but lets go and ride some horses. Ha ha ha!!
A steeplechase takes place. That old cad Zorin has it rigged, obviously for all the undercover secret agents that happen to drop in. Bond’s horse goes mental (at the approaching presence of Grace Jones…see below) and darts off into the woods.
He runs along side his old sidekick’s Rolls-Royce, but finds Grace Jones at the wheel, looking absolutely terrifying in the dead chauffeur’s hat. After an over-elaborate and easily escapable death situation, we’re suddenly in SAN FRANCISCO. No one knows why.
CIA AGENT: Hi, I’m your token ally!
BOND: Who?
CIA AGENT: <He’s been killed. Bond doesn’t care. The audience doesn’t care.>
Of all the coincidences…Stacey Sutton is Sate Geologist (no, seriously) and Bond bumps into her at City Hall
STACEY SUTTON: (sobbing) I’ve been fired!
BOND: I’m amazed you were ever hired in the first place, you dizzy bint, there’s more to a State Geologist’s role than reading your technical lines from cue cards you know.
ZORIN: Boo! Ha ha ha!! I’m a psychopath! Watch! <shoots Stacey’s old boss in the chest> Ha ha ha!!
BOND: You really are a nutter, aren’t you?
ZORIN: By using some big words I’m going to prove to you that I’m actually very intelligent indeed. Ha ha ha!!
BOND: Go for it.
ZORIN: Intuitive improvisation is the key to genius. Ha ha ha!!
BOND: That’s a pointless line. But by now everyone in the audience has noticed that there’s not really much of a script, so it doesn’t matter.
ZORIN: OK, get in the elevator; we’re going to burn the place down. Ha ha ha!!
Seconds later and Bond and Stacey are trapped in the elevator of a burning building.
STAC…
Audience lose consciousness. A piercing, unbearable screech has filled the cinema
Cut to FIRE TRUCK CHASE. Stacey has the wonderful idea of switching on the fire truck’s siren, and seems really pleased with herself for doing so. Moments later, the siren is drowned out by the ear splitting screams of Stacey Sutton as she demonstrates that driving an articulated, rear-steer fire truck is actually no different to driving a Jeep Cherokee.
BOND: Whoa!!! Oooooh!!! Whoa!!!
Audience are convinced that it is actually the old Bond holding on to the fire truck and not a stunt double. Bond and Stacey head for an old mine after losing half of the city police force in the most conspicuous vehicle they could have chosen.
Cut to MAINSTRIKE MINE.
STACEY: Wow, I’ve found something really interesting! I’m going to attempt to explain it. It’s got something to do with earthquakes, hold on. <reads cue card> Oh yeah, if an earthquake happens, then it could be quite bad for the area, as the ground shakes and stuff!
BOND: But wouldn’t that destroy Silicon Valley?
STACEY: Why, yes! And all of Zorin’s customers, gone forever!
GRACE JONES (appearing from nowhere, causing the audience to crap themselves): …snarl… …gnash…grunt…drool…urgh…yaaa…
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bond and Stacey head for an air vent in the mineshaft and start climbing, with Grace sprinting along behind, snarling and grunting. She's traded her horns for a shark fin. In complete coincidence the music cue at this point resembles the theme tune to Jaws.
BOND: STACEY!! KEEP CLIMBING!!
No other person would really need to be told this with Grace Jones in pursuit, but we’ve realised that Stacey Sutton needs instructions. Although climbing as fast as she can, Grace Jones grabs Stacey's dress! The audience crap themselves and decide not to watch, expecting Stacey's leg to be ripped off any minute. Stacey's screams appear to have stopped, but all the dogs in a one-mile radius of the cinema are dead. After much snorting and gnashing, a tearing noise can be heard, the audience (still not watching) assumes it's Stacey's leg, but it's just her skirt. A HUGE EXPLOSION goes off, and Bond and Grace Jones fall into rushing water below. Miraculously, Stacey Sutton has managed what Grace Jones and James Bond Super Spy couldn't do, hold on!
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!! <machine-gunning hundreds of his workers> Ha ha ha!! Let's get into our high-powered, discreet escape vehicle, Scarpine! Ha ha ha!! <they head for an enormous blimp, which is easily and conveniently packed into a garden shed>
The water level subsides...
GRACE JONES: AND I THOUGHT THAT CREEP LOVED ME!
BOND: Are you kidding me? No one could love you, you androgynous freak! And we're supposed to think Zorin was a genetic mistake? Geez.
Jenny Flex and someone else that we're supposed to remember float by, dead.
GRACE JONES: JENNNNNNNYYYYYY!!!!! UUUURGGH!!!
BOND: Who's that other one, there? <points to other token bad girl's body>
GRACE JONES (puzzled): I don't remember... (neither do the audience) C’mon, let’s go and stop the big bomb!
Grace Jones and Bond head for what looks like hell, a place Grace Jones is very familiar with.
GRACE JONES: Get on the rig, I’ll lower you down!
BOND: I’m supposed to convince the audience that it might be too heavy for you, but I seriously doubt it.
GRACE JONES: GET ON, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! <chunks of rock fall from the ceiling as she shouts>
Bond is suddenly glad of his old age; if he hadn’t been wearing incontinence pants his reaction to Grace’s command would have been very embarrassing indeed. The audience are covering their eyes again.
Grace Jones lowers Bond into hell, snorting and groaning as she does so. Bond obviously feels he’s far enough away from her to give her orders. Thankfully, she can’t hear him. They lower the big bomb onto a trolley and start pushing it
GRACE JONES: I’ll hold the brake on! A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
BOND: I don’t know why I’m about to say this, but… JUMP!!!
GRACE JONES: GET ZORIN FOR MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
The trolley goes whizzing outside the mineshaft after what seems like about 5 minutes, but according to the clock on the bomb has only been 30 seconds all in.
ZORIN: Only seconds more, you stereotypical German loon!! Ha ha ha!! The greatest cataclysm in history!! Ha ha ha!! And all my microchip-buying customers will be gone forever!! Ha ha… <spies Grace Jones hurtling along the track with his big bomb > GRACE!!
On seeing the inconspicuous massive blimp with “ZORIN INDUSTRIES” plastered along the side hovering unsuspiciously over Silicon Valley, Grace suddenly stops laughing and gives a look that kills some of the audience. Sadly, she EXPLODES before she could attempt firing lightening bolts from her eyes.
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMES!!
BOND: Oh god, there’s no losing you, is there?
Stacey runs toward Bond. In just a few seconds of screen time, Zorin’s massive airship has descended about 500 feet and advanced half a mile
BOND: Stacey, you stupid cow! Behind you! The blimp!!
STACEY: Huh? <keeps running, oblivious to the high revving of the huge balloon’s propellers 2 feet behind her>
Zorin grabs Stacey, for reasons unknown, but not Bond. The super intelligent psychopath has not thought to shoot them both with the gun that Hitler’s old mate has in his hand. Bond grabs onto the mooring rope of the blimp
BOND: Ooooh!! Whoa!!! Ooooh!!
Audience are once again convinced through clever sound editing that it is actually old Bond holding onto the blimp. No one thinks about how possible it would be for a youthful fit stuntman to hold onto a blimp for the ultra-slow journey over San Francisco, never mind a senior citizen, because screen time cleverly makes us think the journey only takes 5 minutes.
After countless opportunities to smack Bond off a skyscraper, super-intelligent psychopath Zorin heads for an obscure, out of town bridge where no one will notice Bond’s death. Bond smacks against the bridge with the force of a marshmallow against a feather duster. He has the clever idea of tying the mooring rope round the bridge pillar, because that will be strong enough to hold an airship at full throttle in place.
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMESS!!
BOND: Don’t jump you idiot, you could kill us both!
Stacey jumps!!
ZORIN: Here I come, ready or not!! Ha ha ha!! I thought the film’s climax would be more exciting if I came after you with an axe!! Ha ha ha!! Old Himmler up there has a gun, but that would be too easy!! Ha ha ha!! <swishes axe at Bond>
BOND: Oh, for god’s sake, just die, will you? The audience are pleading for the film to end. <pushes Zorin off the bridge>
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!! AAAIIIIEEEEE!!! <splash>
Mad German Professor shoots several rounds at Bond and Stacey, before having the brilliant idea of lighting a huge stick of dynamite and waving it at them.
GERMAN NUT: Coo-ee!!
Unsurprisingly, it EXPLODES. No one in San Francisco has noticed the stricken airship stuck on top of the Golden Gate Bridge, never mind its dramatic destruction. Traffic continues calmly on the road below.
BOND: Stacey, damn, you’re still there!
STACEY: <breathless and hoarse, from all the screaming> You betcha!
BOND: Well, I hope I’m getting a shag out of this.
STACEY: Do I really have to? Like, you’re old enough to be my grandpa!
Cut to poppy, catchy 80’s tune while we see that neither traffic nor shipping has been disturbed at the Golden Gate Bridge despite several hundred gallons of helium exploding just a few feet above.
JAMES BOND WILL RETURN, 30 YEARS YOUNGER, IN THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS
A View To A Kill
Abridged screenplay. Note from producers – lack of script not an error.
Fade to a pesky Russian helicopter flying over some ICEY, COLD PLACE. Cut to Bond wiping ice off a dead mans face. He finds the dead man’s locket and takes a microchip from it and we all feel a pang of sadness as we see the dead man’s wife and kids. A few seconds later and Bond is merrily snowboarding down hillsides to the tune of “California Girls”.
After dispatching the pesky Russian helicopter with a flare, he scrambles over the bright white ice to a dirty grey piece of Styrofoam with a Union Jack lid, which is invisible to Russian soldiers. Bond climbs in and…hold on a minute, that’s not the same youthful fit man we saw in the gunbarrell!! He’s old!! Still, moments later he’s having his way with the sexy, young, blonde MI6 agent who happens to pilot the Styrofoam.
Cut to poppy, catchy 80’s tune while nude women covered in Day-Glo paint fain skiing and writhe about on screen, unsmiling.
Fade to MONEYPENNY'S OFFICE.
BOND: I must say Moneypenny, you’re getting more haggard every movie!
MONEYPENNY: I haven’t had plastic surgery!
BOND: But of course you haven’t. <Gives startled look. It stays with him for the rest of the film>
M (through intercom): Omit the customary pleasantries Miss Moneypenny, like every other British government department we’re always running late.
Bond goes through to M’s office, where he greets Britain’s longest serving Defence Minister (crusty old devil well past retirement) and Q.
M: Those Russians have copied our new microchip; one that’s impervious to space-based radiation pulse weapons like the rumoured GoldenEye that the Russian’s have, which doesn’t pose any threat to us anymore. That guy Zorin took over our contractor and now all this has happened.
MINISTER: There’s obviously no connection with Zorin then.
BOND: I think there might be.
MINISTER: Don’t be stupid Bond! Have you not been listening?
M: Well, we’re going to investigate him anyway. That’s why we’re all dressed like prats. We’re going to the races.
Cut to ASCOT. Zorin is there, as are many pretty ladies in hats, and GRACE JONES!!! Dressed like Satan Himself, the Amazonian queen has “henchwoman” written all over her.
Zorin’s horse, Pegasus, wins and goes berserk, probably at the sight of Grace Jones. After much snarling and teeth gnashing, the crazed look in the animal’s eyes finally terrifies Pegasus into submission.
Patrick Macnee is introduced as Bond’s sidekick and suddenly Bond doesn’t look as old next to the octogenarian. He suggests a meeting with a French detective who’s investigating Zorin fixing races, as if he doesn’t have enough money, the spoiled brat.
Cut to PARIS, and the Eiffel Tower. The crappest entertainment of the decade seems to be taking place as some girl whistles at a bunch of creepy, annoying butterflies being swung round on a fishing rod by a mysterious black figure.
FRENCH STEREOTYPE: Hee-haw, hee-haw! Hee-haw hee-haw hee-haw, n’est pas? <pulls a lecherous face>
BOND: I’m not actually listening to you, as I, along with everyone else in the restaurant, have noticed that another mysterious black figure has just judo-chopped the first mysterious black figure in the windpipe.
FRENCH STEREOTYPE: Hee-haw hee-haw hee-haw! <Not noticing that the creepy butterflies are now whooshing round at breakneck speed> And now, I am going to make ze ‘I will be triumphant’ statement, which obviouzly means ‘am going to die! <Grins smugly>
As expected, one of the creepy butterflies gets him smack on the face, and even though it just appears to be a little pin prick, it kills him!
The mysterious black figure sprints up the stairs of the Eiffel Tower with superhuman-like prowess. Bond attempts to run after them, wheezing and panting.
The mysterious black figure jumps off Eiffel Tower, and no one in Paris notices as they float innocently down to earth.
Bond commandeers a taxicab from a moaning French taxi driver. No one gives a damn about his car because he’s a moaning Frenchy. After endangering the lives of everyone in central Paris by outrageously stupid driving, Renault executives are cheering Bond for making their car look a million times more reliable than the heap of junk actually is.
Bond jumps off a bridge and straight through the roof of a Bateaux-mouche, landing on a wedding cake on a table. Amazingly, he’s not only unharmed, but there’s no cake on his suit!
No one has noticed billionaire Max Zorin picking up his Amazonian girlfriend, the only woman visible from space, and jetting down the Seine in his speedboat.
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!!
GRACE JONES: A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!
Cut to BIG CHATEAUX
SCARPINE:. …<Long pause>…Mr St John Smythe! Your old chauffer can stay the night in the servant’s quarters.
BOND: Oh, is that it?
SCARPINE:……………...<long pause>…………….<long pause>………….<audience shuffle uncomfortably and look at their feet, so does Bond>………..No, that’s it over there. Let me escort you to the chateaux.
Girl in jodhpurs appears at the door of the chateaux
JENNY FLEX: Hi, I’m Jenny Flex. I’m sure there’s a pun in my name somewhere, but not a very good one. I’m the second token bad girl you’ve just met; bet you don’t even remember the one at the front gate, do you?
BOND: No, I don’t. But I’d like to trade some sleazy innuendos with you.
JENNY FLEX: I love an early morning ride.
BOND: I’m an early riser myself.
(Marketing analysts at Pfizer kick themselves for not thinking of product placement at this point)
A helicopter arrives and a sexy, blonde girl gets out to shake hands with Zorin. With hundreds of other people at the stud sales, she’s immediately a suspect...
Cut to POSH PARTY. Many ladies reject Bond’s lecherous glances, clever sound editing removes “P!ss off, granddad!” from final cut. After meeting some lazy-eyed, mad German professor and Zorin, who seems like a nice bloke, Bond spots the sexy, blonde girl and goes over to try his luck.
BOND: Hi, I’m English!
STACEY SUTTON: No sh*t Sherlock, get lost and leave me alone, granddad.
GRACE JONES (appearing from nowhere, making the audience crap themselves. She has horns!): <Says something, but the audience are too afraid to watch. She gives Bond an evil stare, but breaks it off before his eyes bleed.>
Cut to SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB. Bond and his octogenarian sidekick discover something uninteresting and distracting to the plot. Two guards find them, but miraculously Bond and old bloke manage to knock them out, even though the largest guard seems to get on the conveyer belt voluntarily.
Cut to GYM. Grace Jones and Max Zorin roll about on the floor, animal like grunting and gnashing of teeth can be heard, but most of the audience are covering their eyes. When they are interrupted and told two old codgers have broke into the secret lab, Grace dons the carcass of some late animal in a sort of fashion statement. No one sees because they’re still covering their eyes.
GRACE JONES: HE WAS THE WHEEZING OLD PENSIONER AT THE EFFIEL TOWER!!! I’ll get dressed into something hideous and dazzling.
Grace enters room to find an old wrinkly in her bed. Inexplicably, Bond and Grace Jones sleep with each other!! The audience all agree that being boiled to death would have been a preferable option had they been in that situation.
Next Morning
ZORIN: Did you sleep well? Ha ha ha!!
BOND: Are you kidding me? You knew fine well I was rolling about in bed with that…that…thing. I can’t even crack the “I got off eventually” comment, as it’s not humanly possible!
ZORIN: Good, good. Ha ha ha!! Look up into that mirror there, will you? I’m just going to check to see if you’re on my Secret Agent Database. And what do you know, you are! Ha ha ha!! Dangerous, too, apparently! Ha ha ha!! I could just shoot you in the head, but lets go and ride some horses. Ha ha ha!!
A steeplechase takes place. That old cad Zorin has it rigged, obviously for all the undercover secret agents that happen to drop in. Bond’s horse goes mental (at the approaching presence of Grace Jones…see below) and darts off into the woods.
He runs along side his old sidekick’s Rolls-Royce, but finds Grace Jones at the wheel, looking absolutely terrifying in the dead chauffeur’s hat. After an over-elaborate and easily escapable death situation, we’re suddenly in SAN FRANCISCO. No one knows why.
CIA AGENT: Hi, I’m your token ally!
BOND: Who?
CIA AGENT: <He’s been killed. Bond doesn’t care. The audience doesn’t care.>
Of all the coincidences…Stacey Sutton is Sate Geologist (no, seriously) and Bond bumps into her at City Hall
STACEY SUTTON: (sobbing) I’ve been fired!
BOND: I’m amazed you were ever hired in the first place, you dizzy bint, there’s more to a State Geologist’s role than reading your technical lines from cue cards you know.
ZORIN: Boo! Ha ha ha!! I’m a psychopath! Watch! <shoots Stacey’s old boss in the chest> Ha ha ha!!
BOND: You really are a nutter, aren’t you?
ZORIN: By using some big words I’m going to prove to you that I’m actually very intelligent indeed. Ha ha ha!!
BOND: Go for it.
ZORIN: Intuitive improvisation is the key to genius. Ha ha ha!!
BOND: That’s a pointless line. But by now everyone in the audience has noticed that there’s not really much of a script, so it doesn’t matter.
ZORIN: OK, get in the elevator; we’re going to burn the place down. Ha ha ha!!
Seconds later and Bond and Stacey are trapped in the elevator of a burning building.
STAC…
Audience lose consciousness. A piercing, unbearable screech has filled the cinema
Cut to FIRE TRUCK CHASE. Stacey has the wonderful idea of switching on the fire truck’s siren, and seems really pleased with herself for doing so. Moments later, the siren is drowned out by the ear splitting screams of Stacey Sutton as she demonstrates that driving an articulated, rear-steer fire truck is actually no different to driving a Jeep Cherokee.
BOND: Whoa!!! Oooooh!!! Whoa!!!
Audience are convinced that it is actually the old Bond holding on to the fire truck and not a stunt double. Bond and Stacey head for an old mine after losing half of the city police force in the most conspicuous vehicle they could have chosen.
Cut to MAINSTRIKE MINE.
STACEY: Wow, I’ve found something really interesting! I’m going to attempt to explain it. It’s got something to do with earthquakes, hold on. <reads cue card> Oh yeah, if an earthquake happens, then it could be quite bad for the area, as the ground shakes and stuff!
BOND: But wouldn’t that destroy Silicon Valley?
STACEY: Why, yes! And all of Zorin’s customers, gone forever!
GRACE JONES (appearing from nowhere, causing the audience to crap themselves): …snarl… …gnash…grunt…drool…urgh…yaaa…
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bond and Stacey head for an air vent in the mineshaft and start climbing, with Grace sprinting along behind, snarling and grunting. She's traded her horns for a shark fin. In complete coincidence the music cue at this point resembles the theme tune to Jaws.
BOND: STACEY!! KEEP CLIMBING!!
No other person would really need to be told this with Grace Jones in pursuit, but we’ve realised that Stacey Sutton needs instructions. Although climbing as fast as she can, Grace Jones grabs Stacey's dress! The audience crap themselves and decide not to watch, expecting Stacey's leg to be ripped off any minute. Stacey's screams appear to have stopped, but all the dogs in a one-mile radius of the cinema are dead. After much snorting and gnashing, a tearing noise can be heard, the audience (still not watching) assumes it's Stacey's leg, but it's just her skirt. A HUGE EXPLOSION goes off, and Bond and Grace Jones fall into rushing water below. Miraculously, Stacey Sutton has managed what Grace Jones and James Bond Super Spy couldn't do, hold on!
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!! <machine-gunning hundreds of his workers> Ha ha ha!! Let's get into our high-powered, discreet escape vehicle, Scarpine! Ha ha ha!! <they head for an enormous blimp, which is easily and conveniently packed into a garden shed>
The water level subsides...
GRACE JONES: AND I THOUGHT THAT CREEP LOVED ME!
BOND: Are you kidding me? No one could love you, you androgynous freak! And we're supposed to think Zorin was a genetic mistake? Geez.
Jenny Flex and someone else that we're supposed to remember float by, dead.
GRACE JONES: JENNNNNNNYYYYYY!!!!! UUUURGGH!!!
BOND: Who's that other one, there? <points to other token bad girl's body>
GRACE JONES (puzzled): I don't remember... (neither do the audience) C’mon, let’s go and stop the big bomb!
Grace Jones and Bond head for what looks like hell, a place Grace Jones is very familiar with.
GRACE JONES: Get on the rig, I’ll lower you down!
BOND: I’m supposed to convince the audience that it might be too heavy for you, but I seriously doubt it.
GRACE JONES: GET ON, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! <chunks of rock fall from the ceiling as she shouts>
Bond is suddenly glad of his old age; if he hadn’t been wearing incontinence pants his reaction to Grace’s command would have been very embarrassing indeed. The audience are covering their eyes again.
Grace Jones lowers Bond into hell, snorting and groaning as she does so. Bond obviously feels he’s far enough away from her to give her orders. Thankfully, she can’t hear him. They lower the big bomb onto a trolley and start pushing it
GRACE JONES: I’ll hold the brake on! A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
BOND: I don’t know why I’m about to say this, but… JUMP!!!
GRACE JONES: GET ZORIN FOR MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
The trolley goes whizzing outside the mineshaft after what seems like about 5 minutes, but according to the clock on the bomb has only been 30 seconds all in.
ZORIN: Only seconds more, you stereotypical German loon!! Ha ha ha!! The greatest cataclysm in history!! Ha ha ha!! And all my microchip-buying customers will be gone forever!! Ha ha… <spies Grace Jones hurtling along the track with his big bomb > GRACE!!
On seeing the inconspicuous massive blimp with “ZORIN INDUSTRIES” plastered along the side hovering unsuspiciously over Silicon Valley, Grace suddenly stops laughing and gives a look that kills some of the audience. Sadly, she EXPLODES before she could attempt firing lightening bolts from her eyes.
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMES!!
BOND: Oh god, there’s no losing you, is there?
Stacey runs toward Bond. In just a few seconds of screen time, Zorin’s massive airship has descended about 500 feet and advanced half a mile
BOND: Stacey, you stupid cow! Behind you! The blimp!!
STACEY: Huh? <keeps running, oblivious to the high revving of the huge balloon’s propellers 2 feet behind her>
Zorin grabs Stacey, for reasons unknown, but not Bond. The super intelligent psychopath has not thought to shoot them both with the gun that Hitler’s old mate has in his hand. Bond grabs onto the mooring rope of the blimp
BOND: Ooooh!! Whoa!!! Ooooh!!
Audience are once again convinced through clever sound editing that it is actually old Bond holding onto the blimp. No one thinks about how possible it would be for a youthful fit stuntman to hold onto a blimp for the ultra-slow journey over San Francisco, never mind a senior citizen, because screen time cleverly makes us think the journey only takes 5 minutes.
After countless opportunities to smack Bond off a skyscraper, super-intelligent psychopath Zorin heads for an obscure, out of town bridge where no one will notice Bond’s death. Bond smacks against the bridge with the force of a marshmallow against a feather duster. He has the clever idea of tying the mooring rope round the bridge pillar, because that will be strong enough to hold an airship at full throttle in place.
STACEY: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMESS!!
BOND: Don’t jump you idiot, you could kill us both!
Stacey jumps!!
ZORIN: Here I come, ready or not!! Ha ha ha!! I thought the film’s climax would be more exciting if I came after you with an axe!! Ha ha ha!! Old Himmler up there has a gun, but that would be too easy!! Ha ha ha!! <swishes axe at Bond>
BOND: Oh, for god’s sake, just die, will you? The audience are pleading for the film to end. <pushes Zorin off the bridge>
ZORIN: Ha ha ha!! AAAIIIIEEEEE!!! <splash>
Mad German Professor shoots several rounds at Bond and Stacey, before having the brilliant idea of lighting a huge stick of dynamite and waving it at them.
GERMAN NUT: Coo-ee!!
Unsurprisingly, it EXPLODES. No one in San Francisco has noticed the stricken airship stuck on top of the Golden Gate Bridge, never mind its dramatic destruction. Traffic continues calmly on the road below.
BOND: Stacey, damn, you’re still there!
STACEY: <breathless and hoarse, from all the screaming> You betcha!
BOND: Well, I hope I’m getting a shag out of this.
STACEY: Do I really have to? Like, you’re old enough to be my grandpa!
Cut to poppy, catchy 80’s tune while we see that neither traffic nor shipping has been disturbed at the Golden Gate Bridge despite several hundred gallons of helium exploding just a few feet above.
JAMES BOND WILL RETURN, 30 YEARS YOUNGER, IN THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS
Comments
The bit with Bond being winched down by Mayday reminds me- in that scene Bond is going on about how it's too heavy for her, but he quite happily stands on it right until she puts it down again; he doesn't bother hopping off as soon as he can to make the last bit a little easier for her!
I wathce A View to a Kill and I was reminded of just how much fo a ruddy good laugh the thing is. Utter codswallop, you understand, but great fun.
Yes, I noticed that especially this last time. The bizarre look in Moore's eyes was evident before, however the Ultimate Edition appears to have sharpened up this aspect of his performance. When talking to someone he looks like a serial killer.
I can also see that you too are a fan of Grace Jones' Mayday.
That is quite true. I don't know what he was thinking: who the hell wants to get on the wrong side of Grace Jones?
Heh! See if you can see his trademark mole- presumably it's behind his ear!
@merseytart
Still here, I was busy at school with finals and extracurricular activities but mark my words, you aren't rid of me forever.
Moonie, I must say, though I'm the diehard AVTAK fan that I am, I can't resist a good parody and yours was hilarious! I didn't agree with all of it obviously, but that doesn't mean it wasn't side-splittingly funny!!! Great job and thanks for posting!
Guess I'm in the AVTAK fan club. Shoot me...