I need to write (and perform) a speech about Bond...

i expect u2 die

I know that this can be annoying (especially the classic "I'm writing an essay - how has the presentation of Bond girls changed over time?"), but I know I can trust my fellow AJB companions!

Basically, I've been roped into a 'public speaking competition', in a local hotel. The audience is quite middle-aged. The speech must be around 5 minutes.

I've chosen to talk about Bond, of course.

I've got a few ideas, such as talking about my embarrassment when the whole restaurant turned to see me receive a Casino Royale birthday cake on my 17th birthday, and I'll make a few gags about the annoyance of somebody getting Bond facts wrong ("I love Pierce Connery in The Man With The Goldfinger!")
I want to also make some quite serious points about how Craig has reinvented the franchise.

My main problem at the moment, is making an entrance - I need to grab the audience with a joke. Any ideas?
My original plan was "I am going to talk about something very close to my heart. Something... very real. Something I find it hard to discuss... my life as a James Bond fan."
But better suggestions are more than welcome )

Napoleon Plural

Well, it's been five days...


http://www.newmexiconuts.net/catalog/tumbleweed.jpg


When you get up to make those jokes, i expect u2Die!


More constructively, I suggest gags about how Bond never gets taken short, ie you never see directions to the WC in a villain's lair. Or a water cooler. Imagine what a Blofeld stooge would talk about to another over the water cooler. Clerks type stuff. Do they get promised a bonus if the mission is successful? Or have arguments over what colour jumpsuits they have to wear. "Oh, I don't want a red one like we did with Stromberg..."

Where do they hire the staff from anyway, is there a temping outfit you can go to, Office Devils perhaps? No loos means no condom machine there, I mean shame as Bond would need it for the final scene... (tailor that to the audience mind).

If you're in your 30s you can joke about how your life hasn't measured up to that of 007. Unlike a Star Wars fan, who isn't really expected to drive a Millennium Falcon, a Bond fan knows he's fallen short by not driving an Aston Martin DB5.

jetsetwilly

Self-deprecating is good; but never forget, Bond fandom is not as "niche" as, say, Star Trek or Doctor Who. An audience of middle aged people has grown up with Bond so doesn't see liking the films/books as anything too bizarre.

Perhaps a better approach would be to go for it being your secret fantasy. I know this probably isn't true (ahem), but how about implying that you escape from your humdrum world through fantasies of leaping off cliff edges to land at the bottom of hollowed out volcanos, there to seduce busty Soviet agents who melt to your touch? And to continue with that as a theme ("Roger Moore? Pah! He's older than my grand dad. And at least I have the right colour hair, Mr Craig").

That sort of arrogance/fantasy/self-deprecation could be a winning combo if you do it right. And it gives you an "in" into the world of devotion to Bond.

However, you could make the "I'm a Secret Bond Fan" thing really work if you ramp it right up. Look shifty, and embarrassed. Complain that your mates are all into hip-hop and taking e's (yes, I am down with tha kids) while you skulk in your room with a dirty secret. Basically, make them think you're talking about masturbating, then reveal that instead of knocking one out, you're actually watching The Living Daylights under the covers with the lights out.

Best of luck anyway, and let us know how it turned out!

i expect u2 die

Well, the speech is tonight, and I'm a little nervous!

Great ideas above - I love the "why is Bond never caught short" idea.
And Jetset - that 'knocking one off' opening is a gem!
I'm considering working these into it


Rather than based on jokes, its very much to do with the delivery. I've gone for a Steve Coogan style (he's a massive Bond fan), and I'm pretty confident in front of people - I auditioned for the National Youth Theatre last week and I'm really interesting in going into acting


The opening is meant to give the impression of a sort of alcoholics-anonymous meeting.

Here it is:

Hi. My... name is Daniel. And, erm, I have an addiction. It started when I was 9 and... got worse. It affects my day-to-day life, and often leaves me dismissed my society.

I... am a James Bond fan.
I've actually brought someone with me, for moral support, somebody who has been in my shoes. He's also a Daniel.
Let me introduce... Daniel Craig. (Look behind curtain) Daniel! Come on, say hello! (bring out an almost-full-size cardboard cutout of Daniel Craig as James Bond.

(If he falls over, which is likely, make a joke such as "I told him not to drink before coming out.")

From now on, the piece is really animated and lively throughout:

In fact, this piece of 'Bond memorabilia', if you will, epitomizes the extent of my Bond fandom, and its a very interesting story how I came to be in possession of it. It was a normal school lunchtime, and I was in Tesco, buying a 'full breakfast sandwich', which is a full English breakfast... in a sandwich. Its amazing. Well, then my phone vibrates. I receive an anonymous tip-off that the school library has recently acquired a Casino Royale cardboard cutout. The sandwich is abandoned, and I dart back to school to ensure that the cutout is mine. And I got there just in time, I managed to beat the school's entire english and theatre department, and Mrs Wedgewood (my drama teacher, who will be in the audience) is no doubt still bitter that I am holding Daniel in my arms to this very day.

As you see, an interesting story (quite dry and sarcastic there)

But, being a Bond fan is not without its pitfalls. You develop a sort of 'OCD', an obsessive streak. I'll be walking along, minding my own business, thinking about continuity errors in Octopussy, when 'wham', I hear the words. "James Bond". Instantly I tune into the conversation, its like I have some kind of bluetooth detector in my head. But thats not the worst part, then I hear them make... a FACTUAL ERROR. God, its awful! "I really like Pierce Connery in The Man With The Goldfinger". What?! You fool! Stop getting Bond wrong! At this point, I often recieve a punch in the face.

Another problem I face, is the matter of www.ajb007.co.uk.
This stands for 'Absolutely James Bond' .co.uk, and is my second home. It is here that I converse with fellow geeks about matters of great contention, of great importance, such as... the model of Bond's watch in Goldeneye. However, one day, I made a terrible mistake. If I could turn back the time, then believe me, I would. I introduced a friend to this website. (If they laugh - "you're laughing because I have a friend, aren't you"). Suddenly, the hidden side of my personality was exposed, my alter ego, the part of me that argues online about the tone of Daniel Craig's voice. Now, I'm open to all sorts of blackmail. Say, for example, I meet a girl. (If they laugh - "just try to imagine it!"), he'll come up to me:

"I want some money"
"no"
"I'll show her AJB"
"how much do you want..."


Of course, there are positives. I think that its great to have an idol, and what better idol than James Bond? Whilst most teenagers my age aspire to be the next big rapper, the next "50 Percent" (hopefully they'll get that joke), I've got the world's most famous spy!
Now this is a series that has run for over 50 years. However, admittedly, in at least the 1980's, it started to show signs of age. In 1985's 'A View To A Kill', Roger Moore is so old, that he's only in 10% of the film. The rest is his stuntman. Now, I love Roger Moore, I think he's a fantastic actor, but in the summer holiday of this year, a friend and I completed a 45-hour James Bond Marathon, watching all 21 films back-to-back. And I specifically remember, during a close-up of Roger's face, my friend turned to me, and said... "he looks like a teabag".

Now, when the books came out in the 1950's, they did quite well. But this was a different character to the one we were seeing in the films. This was a cold-blooded assassin who wakes up every morning to a cold shower. Thats one reason why I could never be Bond, if I go near a cold shower then I scream like a girl. But he wasn't the same man as this 'superman' we were seeing in the films, who, whenever he ended up in a bad situation, had a gadget to help him out. That was, until Casino Royale...

When Daniel Craig was cast, he wasn't a popular choice, he sparked controversy, there were nay-sayers. "He's not right!" they exclaimed. "He's too short!" (At this point I will hold the cut-out next to me, because it is slightly smaller than real-life, its down to my shoulder, and say "maybe they had a point there"). "He's too blonde" "too ugly!" "He can't swim" "can't drive!".... "He sunburns to easily!"... That was actually a complaint! I mean, how dare an actor playing James Bond not have completely impenetrable skin!? But when the film came out, he silenced them. Daniel Craig gave us what was missing, he gave us depth. This was a vulnerable character. He falls in love. She dies. He ACTUALLY gets upset. (appear spontaneous:) sorry, I've just ruined the film for you.

Until now, there were films that saw themselves as 'usurpers to the throne', more 'relevant' to our times. Bourne, for example. Its about a spy with amnesia. I can't see that series lasting 50 years. Imagine this: (adopt deep trailer voice) "In the 21st Bourne film... Jason Bourne... still has no idea who he is."

(note: I love Bourne, but I couldn't resist the dig )

Now I'm going to leave you with a final though. 7th November this year sees the release of Quantum of Solace. I'm going to give you a lesson now, so you at least feel that you can walk away from my rambling having gained something.

(explain what Quantum of Solace means)

Take heed of my words... go and see the film

And there you have it! Wish me luck

Pendragon

best of luck, IEU2D!!! that seems like a really promising speech...wish the talks I had to sit through in class were as interesting as yours...

~Pen -{

bondaholic007

wow, good speech

i expect u2 die

Well, guys, I came 2nd

I hadn't anticipated that the audience would be quite so old - it was the local rotary club, and most were in their 70's or 80's.

However, they seemed to enjoy it, and laughed often. And it was lovely talking to some, er... 'older' Bond fans, many of whom had an impressive knowledge of the novels.

Alas, the winner spoke about his experiences during a school trip to Auschwitz, which was highly appropriate for the audience there. It was a good speech, seemingly heartfelt, but a little superficial.

I'm not bitter... |)

Barbel

Excellent speech, ieu2d, well thought-out. 2nd is no problem, especially given the circumstances.

Hardyboy

Look at it this way, Expectant One--you didn't take Second, you won a Silver! So congratulations on your speech, and thanks for giving a shout-out to your fellow "geeks" here at your second home! -{

i expect u2 die

Hardyboy wrote:

Look at it this way, Expectant One--you didn't take Second, you won a Silver! So congratulations on your speech, and thanks for giving a shout-out to your fellow "geeks" here at your second home! -{

Ah yes! A few understood what I meant by 'website' )

Pendragon

that's awesome, IEU2D! coming in 2nd is sweet

congrats! {[]

~Pen -{

Strangeways

I thought that was lovely. Well done mate. I only wish I had seen that thread last week. Sorry about that.

I think it is great to have a passion for something, be it Bond, Star Wars or Dr Who. Nothing wrong with it. So why do people still poke fun at me when I introduce myself surname first?

Oh, then there's my partner who, erm, well is hugely ino Erovision. Oh well!

Congrats on 2nd. Well done indeed. {[]