Fantasy Diamonds
chrisno1
LondonPosts: 3,631MI6 Agent
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Although Bond ’67 – ’71 works alright for me, I have many disappointments about the decisions to reverse the running order of the Spectre novels and of the quality of Diamonds Are Forever. My ideas go thus:
OHMSS follows TB. It has the same cast, except Connery replaces Lazenby. I am well aware that Gabriele Ferzetti was filming in Spain with Leone and that Diana Rigg was filming the Avengers 40 weeks a year, etc, but fantasy is fantasy. Other small changes to make would be the death of Irma Bunt during the stock car race (I know this goes against the run of the novels, but it allows me to retain more similarities in the other movies) and the removal of the very first scene where M and Q discuss Bond’s whereabouts. There would be a slightly more protracted car race between Bond and Tracy. I always felt Connery as Bond in this would be great; and a fitting end to his tenure.
YOLT follows OHMSS. Telly Savalas returns as Blofeld. The PTS begins as in the 1967 film, but after the UN debate there is a short scene where M is recalling 007 from Mexico. We next see a hang glider spiralling towards a villa on a tropical island. The flyer lands and approaches the villa, where a beautiful woman, Marie, is sunbathing. He introduces himself as Bond, James Bond, and for the first time we see his face – it is George Lazenby. Bond uses her bikini top to strangle her, and she says Blofeld is in Japan. Bond spares her life adding: “Tell Blofeld I will see him in hell.”
Bond is given his assignment in London. In Tokyo, Bond meets Dikko Henderson and Tanaka in the same fashion, but the relationship between Aki and Bond is chaste. At Tanaka’s house, he makes reference to Bond’s widowhood and they discuss Basho’s poetry, allowing Bond to create his haiku: “You only live twice, once when you are born, once when you look death in the face.”
The silly fake marriage is dispensed with. Kissy Suzuki is portrayed as the failed movie star Fleming imagined and she genuinely falls in love with Bond and him with her. The Spectre rocket lands in the sea like real rockets and is recovered by boat and taken through the lava tunnel into the volcano stronghold. Bond and Kissy climb the volcano, and while Kissy uses radio communications to notify the ninjas, Bond infiltrates the stronghold.
During Bond’s capture, Blofeld tires of his wisecracks and orders Osato and two guards to take him away and kill him. In the execution chamber, Bond tries to reason with Osato, and at that moment the ninja’s blow a hole in wall, fatally wounding Osato, who before he dies tells Bond there is a rocket destruction circuit and Blofeld has the key. Returning to Blofeld’s apartment, Bond meets his nemesis and the two of them fight. Blofeld is thrown into the piranha fish pool. Bond destroys the Spectre rocket. Meanwhile Blofeld, horribly disfigured has escaped the piranhas and sets off a volcanic eruption. The ninjas escape. Bond and Kissy stay afloat in a dingy and she asks him to stay with her on the island. He replies “For as long as I live.”
The cast changes for DAF are Lazenby as Bond, David Hedison as Felix, Keith and Robert Carradine as Jack and Serrafino Spang. Blofeld could still be played by Charles Gray, but in heavy make up. I actually fancy Vincent Price for this role. Curiously I have no place for Moneypenny or Q in this story. I have also removed the fake diamonds plot.
DAF opens with Bond in Bangkok watching an exotic fan-tan show. He gives the dancer a business card and later she joins him at The Chrysanthemum and The Sword floating restaurant. She is an informer who has some information for him. Before she can tell Bond anything, an assassin posing as a waiter poisons her drink. Bond chases the man through the kitchens and kills him in a fight, throwing his body overboard. When he returns to the girl, she whispers “Blofeld.”
M has a new assignment for Bond; his endless and fruitless search for Spectre has gone on too long. Bond travels to Amsterdam where he uses a local prostitute to occupy Peter Franks, while he makes contact with Tiffany Case. Back at his hotel, the call girl arrives for her money and Bond realises Franks will visit Tiffany. He rushes to confront him and kills him in a fight in the elevator. Meanwhile Wint and Kidd are systematically closing the diamond smuggling line.
When Bond arrives in Las Vegas, he is driven to the Slumber Crematorium by three stooges, one of whom, Shady Tree, is played by Sammy Davis Jr, who takes the urn full of diamonds. Bond is rescued from cremation by Felix Leither; the custodians of Slumber Inc have been murdered.
The Star Spangled Casino and hotel is run by the Spang brothers, Jack and Serrafino. But no-one has seen the eldest brother, Rufus, for two years. After meeting her at the craps table, Bond watches some of the Shady Tree’s show with Plenty O’Toole. This allows Sammy to show off and sing a jazz version of the DAF theme song. Tree is killed by Wint and Kidd. Bond meets Tiffany in his hotel suite and after they make love, he explains that everyone connected with the diamonds is being killed. Both of them are at risk. Tiffany doesn't think so; she collected the diamonds from Shady before he was killed and will off load them to Jack Spang tomorrow at Circus Circus. Bond arranges for them to follow, allowing him to infiltrate the research centre and see the Particle Beam Satellite being constructed. He escapes in a moon buggy and eventually meets a worried Tiffany. The following car chase ends with Jack Spang’s car being driven off the edge of the Hoover Dam.
Bond breaks into Rufus Spang’s penthouse at the top of the hotel and is confronted by a scarred and disfigured Blofeld, who explains SPECTRE’s latest plot, to use the PBS to hold the world’s nuclear powers to ransom. While Bond is gassed and left for dead in the pipeline, Serrafino Spang sends Tiffany to meet Rufus / Blofeld, who kidnaps her, escaping from the helipad atop the hotel. Bond visits Serrafino at his lodge, and they fight, the villain knocked unconscious after Bond throws him into a grand piano. Bond and Felix convince Serrafino of Blofeld’s foul play and he now understands the reason for the construction of a fake oil rig.
Bond and Felix blow the SPECTRE plot on the oil rig, but the battle is much better, involving frog men who parachute from the helicopter and use grappling irons and winches to assault the rig from the sea. Blofeld escapes in his aqua-sub and Bond pursues him to a deserted beach and latterly an abandoned salt mine, where Blofeld, cornered, attacks Bond with a diamond studded knuckle duster. Bond finally kills him by throwing him down a shaft. The cat is still alive. The final scenes on board the QE2 and the death of Wint and Kidd remain.
Not a bad effort. I can but dream……
OHMSS follows TB. It has the same cast, except Connery replaces Lazenby. I am well aware that Gabriele Ferzetti was filming in Spain with Leone and that Diana Rigg was filming the Avengers 40 weeks a year, etc, but fantasy is fantasy. Other small changes to make would be the death of Irma Bunt during the stock car race (I know this goes against the run of the novels, but it allows me to retain more similarities in the other movies) and the removal of the very first scene where M and Q discuss Bond’s whereabouts. There would be a slightly more protracted car race between Bond and Tracy. I always felt Connery as Bond in this would be great; and a fitting end to his tenure.
YOLT follows OHMSS. Telly Savalas returns as Blofeld. The PTS begins as in the 1967 film, but after the UN debate there is a short scene where M is recalling 007 from Mexico. We next see a hang glider spiralling towards a villa on a tropical island. The flyer lands and approaches the villa, where a beautiful woman, Marie, is sunbathing. He introduces himself as Bond, James Bond, and for the first time we see his face – it is George Lazenby. Bond uses her bikini top to strangle her, and she says Blofeld is in Japan. Bond spares her life adding: “Tell Blofeld I will see him in hell.”
Bond is given his assignment in London. In Tokyo, Bond meets Dikko Henderson and Tanaka in the same fashion, but the relationship between Aki and Bond is chaste. At Tanaka’s house, he makes reference to Bond’s widowhood and they discuss Basho’s poetry, allowing Bond to create his haiku: “You only live twice, once when you are born, once when you look death in the face.”
The silly fake marriage is dispensed with. Kissy Suzuki is portrayed as the failed movie star Fleming imagined and she genuinely falls in love with Bond and him with her. The Spectre rocket lands in the sea like real rockets and is recovered by boat and taken through the lava tunnel into the volcano stronghold. Bond and Kissy climb the volcano, and while Kissy uses radio communications to notify the ninjas, Bond infiltrates the stronghold.
During Bond’s capture, Blofeld tires of his wisecracks and orders Osato and two guards to take him away and kill him. In the execution chamber, Bond tries to reason with Osato, and at that moment the ninja’s blow a hole in wall, fatally wounding Osato, who before he dies tells Bond there is a rocket destruction circuit and Blofeld has the key. Returning to Blofeld’s apartment, Bond meets his nemesis and the two of them fight. Blofeld is thrown into the piranha fish pool. Bond destroys the Spectre rocket. Meanwhile Blofeld, horribly disfigured has escaped the piranhas and sets off a volcanic eruption. The ninjas escape. Bond and Kissy stay afloat in a dingy and she asks him to stay with her on the island. He replies “For as long as I live.”
The cast changes for DAF are Lazenby as Bond, David Hedison as Felix, Keith and Robert Carradine as Jack and Serrafino Spang. Blofeld could still be played by Charles Gray, but in heavy make up. I actually fancy Vincent Price for this role. Curiously I have no place for Moneypenny or Q in this story. I have also removed the fake diamonds plot.
DAF opens with Bond in Bangkok watching an exotic fan-tan show. He gives the dancer a business card and later she joins him at The Chrysanthemum and The Sword floating restaurant. She is an informer who has some information for him. Before she can tell Bond anything, an assassin posing as a waiter poisons her drink. Bond chases the man through the kitchens and kills him in a fight, throwing his body overboard. When he returns to the girl, she whispers “Blofeld.”
M has a new assignment for Bond; his endless and fruitless search for Spectre has gone on too long. Bond travels to Amsterdam where he uses a local prostitute to occupy Peter Franks, while he makes contact with Tiffany Case. Back at his hotel, the call girl arrives for her money and Bond realises Franks will visit Tiffany. He rushes to confront him and kills him in a fight in the elevator. Meanwhile Wint and Kidd are systematically closing the diamond smuggling line.
When Bond arrives in Las Vegas, he is driven to the Slumber Crematorium by three stooges, one of whom, Shady Tree, is played by Sammy Davis Jr, who takes the urn full of diamonds. Bond is rescued from cremation by Felix Leither; the custodians of Slumber Inc have been murdered.
The Star Spangled Casino and hotel is run by the Spang brothers, Jack and Serrafino. But no-one has seen the eldest brother, Rufus, for two years. After meeting her at the craps table, Bond watches some of the Shady Tree’s show with Plenty O’Toole. This allows Sammy to show off and sing a jazz version of the DAF theme song. Tree is killed by Wint and Kidd. Bond meets Tiffany in his hotel suite and after they make love, he explains that everyone connected with the diamonds is being killed. Both of them are at risk. Tiffany doesn't think so; she collected the diamonds from Shady before he was killed and will off load them to Jack Spang tomorrow at Circus Circus. Bond arranges for them to follow, allowing him to infiltrate the research centre and see the Particle Beam Satellite being constructed. He escapes in a moon buggy and eventually meets a worried Tiffany. The following car chase ends with Jack Spang’s car being driven off the edge of the Hoover Dam.
Bond breaks into Rufus Spang’s penthouse at the top of the hotel and is confronted by a scarred and disfigured Blofeld, who explains SPECTRE’s latest plot, to use the PBS to hold the world’s nuclear powers to ransom. While Bond is gassed and left for dead in the pipeline, Serrafino Spang sends Tiffany to meet Rufus / Blofeld, who kidnaps her, escaping from the helipad atop the hotel. Bond visits Serrafino at his lodge, and they fight, the villain knocked unconscious after Bond throws him into a grand piano. Bond and Felix convince Serrafino of Blofeld’s foul play and he now understands the reason for the construction of a fake oil rig.
Bond and Felix blow the SPECTRE plot on the oil rig, but the battle is much better, involving frog men who parachute from the helicopter and use grappling irons and winches to assault the rig from the sea. Blofeld escapes in his aqua-sub and Bond pursues him to a deserted beach and latterly an abandoned salt mine, where Blofeld, cornered, attacks Bond with a diamond studded knuckle duster. Bond finally kills him by throwing him down a shaft. The cat is still alive. The final scenes on board the QE2 and the death of Wint and Kidd remain.
Not a bad effort. I can but dream……
Comments
Most of that sounds good, especially the Carradines as the Spangs- but Vincent Price would be too similar to his Dr Phibes.
It starts thus: OHMSS ends with Bond and Tracy's wedding. In the finished movie there is a crane shot that shows the couple driving off in their car. This is the happy ending an audience may want to see.
The PTS of DAF starts with wedding scene replayed, except it continues with the death scene of Tracy (as filmed in 1969). The movie proper could then have evolved as a much darker revenge story.
Hunt's suggestion is that this version would only have worked if Lazenby's services were being retained. As soon as it was clear this wasn't going to happen the sad ending was used in full.
Alas now we will never know how different those diamonds could be....