QoS...a parody
Moonraker 5
Ayrshire, ScotlandPosts: 1,821MI6 Agent
After having watched QoS for the second time last night on DVD, and failing miserably to a) understand it, and most importantly b) enjoy it, I thought I’d have a pop at making it a bit more palatable in future by, well, taking the pee out of it. (It’s been a slow work afternoon…)
Quantum of Solace
Abridged screenplay.
Fade to glorious Italian lake scenery, while music builds tensely. Suddenly we’re in the middle of a HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE. No one knows why.
Cars spin and crash into each other, with lots of high revving engines and gun fire. Through nifty camera work, the audience believe they’re actually in the car chase, and are throwing up on the floor.
After simply shooting the driver of the car chasing him, Bond opens his car boot to reveal someone the audience is supposed to remember. They don’t.
Cut to screeching, wailing R’n’B-cum-alternative-punk-rock theme while the titles start spinning and spiralling and spinning and twirling.
BLOKE SINGER: Blinger gangsta Bond’s chillin’ with his homies…
GIRL SINGER: Yeah, woah, he’s like, doin’ it for his brovaz, yeah, woah…
As the titles spin and twirl faster, the audience are starting to feel sick again. To emphasise the rollercoaster feeling, the song starts reflecting the movement.
SINGERS: Woah, woah, WOAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!!!!!!!
Cut to SIENNA, ITALY. No one knows why. There’s an urban horse race going on, which is irrelevant and distracting to the plot.
BOND: I’m sure the audience remember you were the sinister one at the end of the last film. Are you going to tell us who you work for?
MAD MAN ON LAUGHING GAS: Whooooohoohahahahaha!! Heeeeeeheeheehee!! No!
Suddenly, one of M’s body guards shoots the other one. With lightning quick reactions, M dons her invisibility cloak and vanishes!
With superhuman like prowess, Bond sprints after the assailant across the roof tops of Sienna, leaping over the streets below. Several innocent bystanders get killed, but Bond doesn’t care. After a quick fight sequence, Bond kills him.
We’re suddenly in LONDON. No one knows why.
BOND: Where the hell did you disappear to?
M: Never mind that 007, check out this new prop we got from the set of Minority Report. <Drags dollar notes and pictures over a touch screen table> Weeee!!! It’s got Tetris too. Anyway, you’re going to Haiti, Bond.
We’re suddenly in HAITI. No one knows why.
Bond breaks into a hotel room and inexplicably sticks a knife in the guest, twisting it and holding it in him till his eyes glaze over. Bond then steals his jacket and his briefcase.
As he walks out of the hotel, a pretty girl who has found the latest model electric hybrid Ford in one of the world’s poorest nations suddenly drives up and demands he get in. No one knows why.
After losing a motorcycle pursuer, the pretty girl attempts to shoot Bond. No one knows why.
Bond follows the pretty girl to the docks.
CAMILLE: You tried to have me killed, you ba5tard!
DOMINIC GREENE: Yes, and you were stupid enough to come back. I could just shoot you in the head, but I’ve got another over-elaborate and easily escapable death situation for you, I’m going to give you to this mean-looking Latino General and he’ll kill you instead.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
DOMINC GREENE: Not that we’re being patronising to the Bolivians in the audience or suggesting that they’re a potential basket case waiting to happen, but we’re going to topple their government and put you in charge. I’m not quite sure why we’d want to do this.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
As the Latino General takes Camille away in his speedboat, Bond inexplicably rescues her! A HIGH SPEED BOAT CHASE ensues, and through nifty camera work the audience believe they’re on the boat with Bond. They throw up on the floor.
Bond is suddenly at an airfield where Greene is boarding a private jet, but Bond’s left the pretty girl behind. No one knows why.
BOND <To M, on phone>: Are you keeping up with what’s happening?
M: Not really, but I am enjoying this new prop! <Coloured bricks edge their way down the glass wall, being spun to fit in available spaces>
Cut to PRIVATE JET.
DOMINIC GREENE: Now that I’ve outlined my evil sinister plan to you, will you help? Oh, and I’m being chased by this guy <shows picture of Bond>. I don’t know why.
YANKEE IMPERIALIST DUDE: Of course we’ll help you topple governments to get oil! Obviously that’s what we do. Listen, bud, I’m in the CIA, and everyone knows we’re the real bad guys around here. We’ll even stick a bullet in this MI6 agent to prove it ya!
We’re suddenly in AUSTRIA. No one knows why.
Bond follows Greene to an impressive looking OPERA SET PIECE. While the audience members arrive, they get goody bags. But for those members of the top secret sinister organisation that no one knows about, they get special goody bags that are not-at-all-inconspicuously hidden under the table. So that all the members of the top secret sinister organisation that no one knows about can spot other members, they get a special pin badge with a Q on it, which also gets them free entry into National Trust houses.
Bond steals one of these goody bags by sticking a knife into one of the members.
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #1 <through little mic/earphone thingy to the others>: So are the evil Yankee Imperialist Invaders onboard with our sinister evil plan?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #2: Why do we want water in Bolivia? Is it just me being thick, or does anyone else know?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #3: No, but then there wouldn’t be a plot, would there?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #4: There’s a plot?
BOND <through little mic/earphone thingy to the others>: Coo-ee!!
Suddenly Bond is pursued in slow motion through the restaurant of the opera arena, where lots of people are clearly more interested in having dinner than listening to the dirge on stage. Several innocent bystanders get killed in the gun fight. Bond doesn’t care. He pushes the last unarmed pursuer off the roof.
Cut to AUSTRIAN AIRPORT.
CHECK-IN GIRL: Sorry sir, I’m afraid your directors have copied from the Bourne films in more ways than one. They’ve cancelled all your credit cards and passports. I’m surprised you didn’t know that would happen?
BOND: I did. But while I’m going to Italy, you’re going to tell them I’m actually in Cairo! Hee hee!
CHECK-IN GIRL: OK, deal. I’m not sure why I’ve agreed to that without question though…
We’re suddenly in ITALY. No one knows why.
MATHIS: The audience clearly remember me, sì?
BOND: Weren’t you the double agent that ratted me up to the last villain?
MATHIS: Who knows? <smirks>
The audience don’t.
Cut to VIRGIN ATLANTIC FLIGHT. Bond gets hammered.
BOND: DRINK! ARSE! FECK! GIRLS! Huuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeey…
Bond and Mathis are suddenly in BOLIVIA. No one knows why.
FIELDS: Are you the psychotic rogue agent that’s killed 642 people in this film so far? I’m the filing clerk that’s been sent to wrestle you to the ground and man handle you back on to that plane.
BOND: Yeah.
After making the only lightly humorous comment in the film, Bond has his way with the filing clerk in POSH HOTEL.
MATHIS: You’ve been invited to Dominic Greene’s party!
BOND: We’ve just arrived, how is that possible?
MATHIS: I don’t know. <Neither do the audience>
Mathis is killed. Bond doesn’t care. The audience don’t care. Bond throws him in the bin after taking a few tenners from his wallet.
Cut to DESERT, where Bond is renting an old DC-3. No one knows why.
After getting shot up by a light aircraft, Bond demonstrates that not only can a 60 year old transport plane manoeuvre like a Eurofighter Typhoon, it can sit on its tail and climb sharply on one engine without stalling.
Bond and Camille JUMP from the burning plane, falling 5000ft and opening their parachute 10ft off the ground.
BOND: Break anything?
CAMILLE: No. Oh, look, something irrelevant and distracting to the plot! <Spies big underground reservoir>
BOND: There’s a plot?
Cut to BOLIVIAN BAR. No one knows why.
BOND: You’re the good CIA agent from the last film, right?
LEITER: Yeah. But this place is teaming with US Special Forces, which are always on hand wherever we are in the world.
BOND: How is that possible?
LEITER: I don’t know. <Neither do the audience>
The US Special Forces attempt to shoot Bond, but he escapes.
Cut back to POSH HOTEL.
CONCIERGE: Your wife left you a note, sir.
After running up to his room, Bond finds M there, and Fields, lying dead covered in crude oil.
M: Reminds you of that film, Goldfinger, doesn’t it?
BOND <puzzled>: But how did she possibly manage to write ‘Run’ on this note, and hand it to the concierge?
M: I don’t know <Neither do the audience> but how did whoever kill her not manage to spill the oil anywhere else in this suite?
Cut to an (unsurprisingly, cause it’s in the middle of the desert) very empty ECO-HOTEL, powered by fuel cells, which meets the very latest in fire safety regulations. No one knows why we’re here.
WAITRESS: Your beer, señor.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
10 YEAR OLD BOY IN AUDIENCE: Daddy, what’s that bad man trying to do to that nice lady?
Camille breaks in and shoots the Latino General. The waitress dons M’s invisibility cloak and vanishes.
Meanwhile, a Land Rover accidentally backs into one of the highly protected fuel cells, which are in the underground car park where there’s little chance of them being damaged. The whole building suddenly EXPLODES in a colossal fireball.
Bond, Camille and Greene all escape. No one knows how.
We’re suddenly in RUSSIA. No one knows why.
BOND: You used to be Vesper’s boyfriend, didn’t you?
YOUNG NORTH AFRICAN MAN: Look, I’m really not sure <Neither are the audience> but just hurry up and shoot me, will you? The audience are pleading for the film to end.
M <Yes, she’s here too>: They found Greene in the middle of a Bolivian desert with two bullets in the back of his head. Did you shoot him?
BOND: No.
M: Well, who did?
BOND: I don’t know <Neither do the audience>
Just as the audience think they’ve reached the limit of their confusion, the TRADITIONAL BOND GUN BARREL suddenly rolls across the screen. Bond sprints flat out onto the screen and shoots.
James Bond will return in…Something Altogether Much Easier To Follow
Quantum of Solace
Abridged screenplay.
Fade to glorious Italian lake scenery, while music builds tensely. Suddenly we’re in the middle of a HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE. No one knows why.
Cars spin and crash into each other, with lots of high revving engines and gun fire. Through nifty camera work, the audience believe they’re actually in the car chase, and are throwing up on the floor.
After simply shooting the driver of the car chasing him, Bond opens his car boot to reveal someone the audience is supposed to remember. They don’t.
Cut to screeching, wailing R’n’B-cum-alternative-punk-rock theme while the titles start spinning and spiralling and spinning and twirling.
BLOKE SINGER: Blinger gangsta Bond’s chillin’ with his homies…
GIRL SINGER: Yeah, woah, he’s like, doin’ it for his brovaz, yeah, woah…
As the titles spin and twirl faster, the audience are starting to feel sick again. To emphasise the rollercoaster feeling, the song starts reflecting the movement.
SINGERS: Woah, woah, WOAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!!!!!!!
Cut to SIENNA, ITALY. No one knows why. There’s an urban horse race going on, which is irrelevant and distracting to the plot.
BOND: I’m sure the audience remember you were the sinister one at the end of the last film. Are you going to tell us who you work for?
MAD MAN ON LAUGHING GAS: Whooooohoohahahahaha!! Heeeeeeheeheehee!! No!
Suddenly, one of M’s body guards shoots the other one. With lightning quick reactions, M dons her invisibility cloak and vanishes!
With superhuman like prowess, Bond sprints after the assailant across the roof tops of Sienna, leaping over the streets below. Several innocent bystanders get killed, but Bond doesn’t care. After a quick fight sequence, Bond kills him.
We’re suddenly in LONDON. No one knows why.
BOND: Where the hell did you disappear to?
M: Never mind that 007, check out this new prop we got from the set of Minority Report. <Drags dollar notes and pictures over a touch screen table> Weeee!!! It’s got Tetris too. Anyway, you’re going to Haiti, Bond.
We’re suddenly in HAITI. No one knows why.
Bond breaks into a hotel room and inexplicably sticks a knife in the guest, twisting it and holding it in him till his eyes glaze over. Bond then steals his jacket and his briefcase.
As he walks out of the hotel, a pretty girl who has found the latest model electric hybrid Ford in one of the world’s poorest nations suddenly drives up and demands he get in. No one knows why.
After losing a motorcycle pursuer, the pretty girl attempts to shoot Bond. No one knows why.
Bond follows the pretty girl to the docks.
CAMILLE: You tried to have me killed, you ba5tard!
DOMINIC GREENE: Yes, and you were stupid enough to come back. I could just shoot you in the head, but I’ve got another over-elaborate and easily escapable death situation for you, I’m going to give you to this mean-looking Latino General and he’ll kill you instead.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
DOMINC GREENE: Not that we’re being patronising to the Bolivians in the audience or suggesting that they’re a potential basket case waiting to happen, but we’re going to topple their government and put you in charge. I’m not quite sure why we’d want to do this.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
As the Latino General takes Camille away in his speedboat, Bond inexplicably rescues her! A HIGH SPEED BOAT CHASE ensues, and through nifty camera work the audience believe they’re on the boat with Bond. They throw up on the floor.
Bond is suddenly at an airfield where Greene is boarding a private jet, but Bond’s left the pretty girl behind. No one knows why.
BOND <To M, on phone>: Are you keeping up with what’s happening?
M: Not really, but I am enjoying this new prop! <Coloured bricks edge their way down the glass wall, being spun to fit in available spaces>
Cut to PRIVATE JET.
DOMINIC GREENE: Now that I’ve outlined my evil sinister plan to you, will you help? Oh, and I’m being chased by this guy <shows picture of Bond>. I don’t know why.
YANKEE IMPERIALIST DUDE: Of course we’ll help you topple governments to get oil! Obviously that’s what we do. Listen, bud, I’m in the CIA, and everyone knows we’re the real bad guys around here. We’ll even stick a bullet in this MI6 agent to prove it ya!
We’re suddenly in AUSTRIA. No one knows why.
Bond follows Greene to an impressive looking OPERA SET PIECE. While the audience members arrive, they get goody bags. But for those members of the top secret sinister organisation that no one knows about, they get special goody bags that are not-at-all-inconspicuously hidden under the table. So that all the members of the top secret sinister organisation that no one knows about can spot other members, they get a special pin badge with a Q on it, which also gets them free entry into National Trust houses.
Bond steals one of these goody bags by sticking a knife into one of the members.
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #1 <through little mic/earphone thingy to the others>: So are the evil Yankee Imperialist Invaders onboard with our sinister evil plan?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #2: Why do we want water in Bolivia? Is it just me being thick, or does anyone else know?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #3: No, but then there wouldn’t be a plot, would there?
TOP SECRET SINISTER ORGANISATION THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT MEMBER #4: There’s a plot?
BOND <through little mic/earphone thingy to the others>: Coo-ee!!
Suddenly Bond is pursued in slow motion through the restaurant of the opera arena, where lots of people are clearly more interested in having dinner than listening to the dirge on stage. Several innocent bystanders get killed in the gun fight. Bond doesn’t care. He pushes the last unarmed pursuer off the roof.
Cut to AUSTRIAN AIRPORT.
CHECK-IN GIRL: Sorry sir, I’m afraid your directors have copied from the Bourne films in more ways than one. They’ve cancelled all your credit cards and passports. I’m surprised you didn’t know that would happen?
BOND: I did. But while I’m going to Italy, you’re going to tell them I’m actually in Cairo! Hee hee!
CHECK-IN GIRL: OK, deal. I’m not sure why I’ve agreed to that without question though…
We’re suddenly in ITALY. No one knows why.
MATHIS: The audience clearly remember me, sì?
BOND: Weren’t you the double agent that ratted me up to the last villain?
MATHIS: Who knows? <smirks>
The audience don’t.
Cut to VIRGIN ATLANTIC FLIGHT. Bond gets hammered.
BOND: DRINK! ARSE! FECK! GIRLS! Huuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeey…
Bond and Mathis are suddenly in BOLIVIA. No one knows why.
FIELDS: Are you the psychotic rogue agent that’s killed 642 people in this film so far? I’m the filing clerk that’s been sent to wrestle you to the ground and man handle you back on to that plane.
BOND: Yeah.
After making the only lightly humorous comment in the film, Bond has his way with the filing clerk in POSH HOTEL.
MATHIS: You’ve been invited to Dominic Greene’s party!
BOND: We’ve just arrived, how is that possible?
MATHIS: I don’t know. <Neither do the audience>
Mathis is killed. Bond doesn’t care. The audience don’t care. Bond throws him in the bin after taking a few tenners from his wallet.
Cut to DESERT, where Bond is renting an old DC-3. No one knows why.
After getting shot up by a light aircraft, Bond demonstrates that not only can a 60 year old transport plane manoeuvre like a Eurofighter Typhoon, it can sit on its tail and climb sharply on one engine without stalling.
Bond and Camille JUMP from the burning plane, falling 5000ft and opening their parachute 10ft off the ground.
BOND: Break anything?
CAMILLE: No. Oh, look, something irrelevant and distracting to the plot! <Spies big underground reservoir>
BOND: There’s a plot?
Cut to BOLIVIAN BAR. No one knows why.
BOND: You’re the good CIA agent from the last film, right?
LEITER: Yeah. But this place is teaming with US Special Forces, which are always on hand wherever we are in the world.
BOND: How is that possible?
LEITER: I don’t know. <Neither do the audience>
The US Special Forces attempt to shoot Bond, but he escapes.
Cut back to POSH HOTEL.
CONCIERGE: Your wife left you a note, sir.
After running up to his room, Bond finds M there, and Fields, lying dead covered in crude oil.
M: Reminds you of that film, Goldfinger, doesn’t it?
BOND <puzzled>: But how did she possibly manage to write ‘Run’ on this note, and hand it to the concierge?
M: I don’t know <Neither do the audience> but how did whoever kill her not manage to spill the oil anywhere else in this suite?
Cut to an (unsurprisingly, cause it’s in the middle of the desert) very empty ECO-HOTEL, powered by fuel cells, which meets the very latest in fire safety regulations. No one knows why we’re here.
WAITRESS: Your beer, señor.
LATINO GENERAL: Viva La Revolución!!
10 YEAR OLD BOY IN AUDIENCE: Daddy, what’s that bad man trying to do to that nice lady?
Camille breaks in and shoots the Latino General. The waitress dons M’s invisibility cloak and vanishes.
Meanwhile, a Land Rover accidentally backs into one of the highly protected fuel cells, which are in the underground car park where there’s little chance of them being damaged. The whole building suddenly EXPLODES in a colossal fireball.
Bond, Camille and Greene all escape. No one knows how.
We’re suddenly in RUSSIA. No one knows why.
BOND: You used to be Vesper’s boyfriend, didn’t you?
YOUNG NORTH AFRICAN MAN: Look, I’m really not sure <Neither are the audience> but just hurry up and shoot me, will you? The audience are pleading for the film to end.
M <Yes, she’s here too>: They found Greene in the middle of a Bolivian desert with two bullets in the back of his head. Did you shoot him?
BOND: No.
M: Well, who did?
BOND: I don’t know <Neither do the audience>
Just as the audience think they’ve reached the limit of their confusion, the TRADITIONAL BOND GUN BARREL suddenly rolls across the screen. Bond sprints flat out onto the screen and shoots.
James Bond will return in…Something Altogether Much Easier To Follow
Comments
but I am afraid, that you have left out the ridiculous scene where 007 hngs on the rope after a 50ft-fall thru a glass roof.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
That was hilarious! Puts the film into complete context for me, especially:
the boat chase and M's Apple Mac IPod environment Upgrades.- That will look so dated in a couple of years!
By the way - you bought the DVD?
As to a Confused.com audience, that was me. I managed to fill in most of the blanks, but in the end after the final scene, (second time round) I thought 'Oh whats the point?! Far too much bloody effort on my part!' - The storyline shuld not feel like a Soduku!
... do you seriously suggest AVTAK to be a benchmark for all future Bonds?
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Moonraker 5 buys the rubbish QoS even though he hates it. No one knows why...
Still, spot on. Sums up the queasy confusion of the film very well.
Roger Moore 1927-2017
Oh dear, looks like the s**t on a paper plate one got copied somehow onto DVD as well....:))
Moonraker 5 buys the DVD to create a plot.
Bond, M, CAMMILLE, LEITER, The Audience / The Narrator (me) - Altogether now...
: Theres a plot?!!
Roger Moore 1927-2017
That made me LOL pretty hard