Bond couldn't cope with this...

thesecretagent

I think sometimes the hardest thing to do is occupy two children (2 yr boy/4yr girl) on a cold rainy day. I spend hours with them normally, walking, cycling, playing ball, swimming, cooking, painting - you name it. But today with torrential rain, under-the-weather wife, and what can only be described as "niggles" (the kids, not my wife, well actually, yes her as well...) I could easily have, well lets just say I can see why tigers eat their young...
I have finally beaten off their tag-wrestling and got them in front of a cartoon. Great parenting I know, but picture two children each wanting the opposite all day long.
"I want to paint."
"NOOOOO! Me hate painting!!!! Me want Mickey!"
"I hate Mickey, I want to paint!"
Paint comes out. Aprons come out. Kitchen table is cleared. In the meantime I've done a nappy, taken drink up to wife, and picked up girl who has somehow fallen off the chair in this time and hurt every single part of her body.
"I don't want to paint now. I want Dora."
"No Dora! Mickey!"
Ten minutes of WWF style battling for the remote. Boy takes girl down hard. Girl cries for twenty minutes without breathing. Boy now doesn't want the remote or Mickey Mouse and wants to paint. This, for a 2 year old boy is an exercise in containment and paint, glue and felt tip is now just too much to go up against. I have faced off PIRA, Iraqi Republican Guard, Serbians, The Taliban, some more Iraqis, but this is different. There's no support here, I'm on my own and the boy has a temper....
In the end, we settle for the painting to end, the TV off and a jigsaw. I swear I was out the room one and a half minutes tops and both children are bleeding with a jig stuck in my son's earhole. More tears, more tantrums - that's just me by now. Then comes lunch. Which is prepared, served and thrown on the floor and up part of the wall in an instant. Girl is great though and eats it all. Boy has taken himself off. Albeit with a felt tip pen and has now drawn on a newly decorated wall. Pen is taken off boy, boy cries. Crying lasts an hour. My head hurts. Mainly from the crying, but I suspect more from the headbutt to the banister. It really actually hurts a lot.
Wife is loving the fact we live in a big house now, and can use the excuse she can't hear any of this. I know she can because I usually ignore it as well...
The afternoon had a bit more blood, a lot more crying. I lovely little song and dance show, which I loved because they were laying off me for a while. Fighting over the Sky remote, Mickey, Dora and some little tw*t called Jake who is pirate.
And then, as if God, Allah, Buddah and all the others combined had decided to help out - the heavens cleared, the rain stopped and ten minutes ago they went outside and played in the sand pit. They're still there. I have vented through writing this, have an hour until they are locked up... I mean put to bed. And my God, there is a cold beer with my name on it and unless poorly wife makes a miraculous recovery when they are asleep, a Bond is going in the DVD and a little sanity will be mine once more. )

pyrat

Bond's good, but he ain't that good, he'd be screaming for Moneypenny or May in short order.

Napoleon Plural

Yes, but think how nicely they'll turn out...

Pendragon

reason number 800 why Pen will never have children: rainy days.

Napoleon Plural

Hey Pen! Lots of people with masks like you hanging around St Paul's in London these days! Are they anti-Scientologists or is it a broader thing?

Pendragon

not being a Londoner, I have no idea :P

last I saw of a Guy Fawks mask was some vigilanties who broke up a child porno thing, and wanted to be anonymous about it :P

thesecretagent

And there you are. Today the sun was shining. Wife is much better. Indeed, life is much better. The boy and the girl are best friends and all day long has been a laugh. I put this solely down to the fact that I showed weakness yesterday and they moved in for the kill... )

Napoleon Plural

Why don't you get them a book of Gingerbread Willie, tsa? Bedtime reading, with a bit of smut thrown in - just the ticket.

thesecretagent

I scare my little girl with my own sequel to Goldilocks and the Three Bears - The Day the Bears Fought Back... )

Pendragon

and I'm sure those will be treasured childhood memories that she will carry with her forever :P