"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread
Silhouette Man
The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,870MI6 Agent
To lighten the mood on AJB, I thought that a Jokes Thread would be a great idea that I don't think has ever been suggested here before.
Here are a few (ironic) jokes to start with:
My friend John was rushed into hospital after swallowing a sponge. He's going to be alright, it's just that he's always thirsty! (A German joke)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think that I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Well, that seems to me to be a mental health problem and I only deal with physical ailments
What wobbles when it flies?
A Jellycopter
A man forgets his tie on a night out to a nightclub. He takes the crocodile clip starters from his car and ties them around his neck instead. At the door to the nightclub the bouncer says to him "Alright, I'll let you in, but don't be starting anything!"
Can AJB members come up with some original jokes hopefully better than these (won't be too hard)?! )
Here are a few (ironic) jokes to start with:
My friend John was rushed into hospital after swallowing a sponge. He's going to be alright, it's just that he's always thirsty! (A German joke)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think that I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Well, that seems to me to be a mental health problem and I only deal with physical ailments
What wobbles when it flies?
A Jellycopter
A man forgets his tie on a night out to a nightclub. He takes the crocodile clip starters from his car and ties them around his neck instead. At the door to the nightclub the bouncer says to him "Alright, I'll let you in, but don't be starting anything!"
Can AJB members come up with some original jokes hopefully better than these (won't be too hard)?! )
"The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
Comments
Would you like us to tell you a joke?
Roger Moore 1927-2017
what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
Ha! Ha! Truly sick as always, minigeff! )
And, Mr Plural - you're not serious enough here, I'd say!
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
They're hardcore
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
minigeff, you are a comic genius!
I can just hear the church bell chiming in the distance!
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!
confused.com
Rhymes with 'mucker'. )
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
Naughty, naughty!
A man flashes his private parts in front of three old women. Two of them have a stroke. The other one just can't reach.
Two rats are in the sewer. One says "I'm sick of eating **** all day". The other one replies "I agree, let's go on the piss".
1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Guns don't kill people... but they sure make it easy.
One night, johny needs to pee, so off he goes to the craphouse. He walks in on his mum just as she gets out the bath. "Mummy, what's the furry thing between your legs?" Asks johny.
Johny's mum is a bit startled, panics a bit and replies "oh, that's erm... that just my little hedgehog". "Oh, ok" says johny, he has his piss and buggers off.
The next night johny goes to the loo once more, only this time he walks in on his gran as she's getting out the shower. Gran is a bit shocked and freezes. "Don't worry gran" johny beams "I know exactly what that is between your legs!" States johny proudly.
"It's your hedgehog isn't it?" Queries johny. Taken aback by the situation, johny's gran agrees. "Er, yes, that's right, it's my erm... hedgehog".
"I know gran, AND i think it must be dead"
"What makes you think that johny?" Asks gran.
"We'll it's guts are all hanging out."
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
True Story. -{
Roger Moore 1927-2017
flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.
That's nothing, google 'blue waffle'.
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:
Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',
The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'
Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco
Made me laugh anyway...
Wow! Another Stewart Lee fan on here - that makes two of us!
)
The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.
However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.
MG
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?
He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.
I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. )
Roy Chubby Brown?
I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?
I'd rather rip the other ball out and swap it for a hand grenade
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org
OK. How about Stewart Lee, then?
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org