"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

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Comments

  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Yeah he's ok but is less clever than he thinks. A few moments of genius though.

    Ever heard him go on about rappers? :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • JarvioJarvio EnglandPosts: 4,241MI6 Agent
    Out of all the characters that have ever appeared on the bond films, the most developed and finely acted is General Chang.
    1 - LALD, 2 - AVTAK, 3 - LTK, 4 - OP, 5 - NTTD, 6 - FYEO, 7 - SF, 8 - DN, 9 - DAF, 10 - TSWLM, 11 - OHMSS, 12 - TMWTGG, 13 - GE, 14 - MR, 15 - TLD, 16 - YOLT, 17 - GF, 18 - DAD, 19 - TWINE, 20 - SP, 21 - TND, 22 - FRWL, 23 - TB, 24 - CR, 25 - QOS

    1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    Jarvio wrote:
    Out of all the characters that have ever appeared on the bond films, the most developed and finely acted is General Chang.

    Now that's just deadpan hilarious! :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • JarvioJarvio EnglandPosts: 4,241MI6 Agent
    Glad you enjoyed it :D
    1 - LALD, 2 - AVTAK, 3 - LTK, 4 - OP, 5 - NTTD, 6 - FYEO, 7 - SF, 8 - DN, 9 - DAF, 10 - TSWLM, 11 - OHMSS, 12 - TMWTGG, 13 - GE, 14 - MR, 15 - TLD, 16 - YOLT, 17 - GF, 18 - DAD, 19 - TWINE, 20 - SP, 21 - TND, 22 - FRWL, 23 - TB, 24 - CR, 25 - QOS

    1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    What's the fattest computer? A Dell

    What are mice? Fag rats.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    What's DNA stand for?
    National Dyslexic Association
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • MANDY1MANDY1 TISPosts: 2,608MI6 Agent
    Dentist to a man: It seems that ya have been stimulating someone's genitals with ya mouth.

    Man: Huh? Do i have f@nny furs between me teeth?

    Dentist to a man: No, ya got sh1t on your forehead.
    Knowing who to trust is Everything in this business.

    TIS - "The moment you think you got it figured - you're wrong"

    Formerly known as Teppo
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Jewish kid goes to his dad "dad, can I borrow a fiver?"

    "4 pounds, what do you need 3 quid for?"
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    Did you know that you can avoid Type-2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena? {[]

    No, well where have you been all your life?

    Hence, it's a joke. -{
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    Did you know that you can avoid Type-2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena? {[]

    No, well where have you been all your life?

    Hence, it's a joke. -{

    If you have to tell people it's funny, it's not. :))
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    Did you know that you can avoid Type-2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena? {[]

    No, well where have you been all your life?

    Hence, it's a joke. -{

    If you have to tell people it's funny, it's not. :))

    Yes, it be a joke of German extraction.

    Hence, it is what ve call ze funnies, yes?

    --Stage German accent ends... :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    Did you know that you can avoid Type-2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena? {[]

    No, well where have you been all your life?

    Hence, it's a joke. -{

    If you have to tell people it's funny, it's not. :))

    Yes, it be a joke of German extraction.

    Hence, it is what ve call ze funnies, yes?

    --Stage German accent ends... :))

    Zatz eet!! Yor naym shal alzo go on ZEE LIZT!!
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    Feldman's Casino Royale in 1967 was a very faithful film adapation of Ian Fleming's first James Bond novel, much more so than the 2006 film version starring Daniel Craig.

    True story.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    The overbaked sarcasm approach is wearing a little thin... 8-)
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    My grandfather always said that "Charity begins at home", but then he would say that, my grandfather, because my grandfather was a Chelsea Pensioner who lived in a nest that he'd constructed entirely from discarded Remembrance Day poppies. ;)
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    My grandfather always said that "Charity begins at home", but then he would say that, my grandfather, because my grandfather was a Chelsea Pensioner who lived in a nest that he'd constructed entirely from discarded Remembrance Day poppies. ;)

    5697807.jpg

    Queeny ain't laughing bud.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    My grandfather always said that "Charity begins at home", but then he would say that, my grandfather, because my grandfather was a Chelsea Pensioner who lived in a nest that he'd constructed entirely from discarded Remembrance Day poppies. ;)

    5697807.jpg

    Queeny ain't laughing bud.

    It's a Stewart Lee joke - it being unfunny being the whole point. 8-)
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    My grandfather always said that "Charity begins at home", but then he would say that, my grandfather, because my grandfather was a Chelsea Pensioner who lived in a nest that he'd constructed entirely from discarded Remembrance Day poppies. ;)

    5697807.jpg

    Queeny ain't laughing bud.

    It's a Stewart Lee joke - it being unfunny being the whole point. 8-)

    Yeah..... these kinda jokes don't really work in text alone. It's the way this kinda joke is delivered that makes it funny.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    minigeff wrote:

    5697807.jpg

    Queeny ain't laughing bud.

    Agreed, a case of "I guess you just had to be there..."

    It's a Stewart Lee joke - it being unfunny being the whole point. 8-)

    Yeah..... these kinda jokes don't really work in text alone. It's the way this kinda joke is delivered that makes it funny.

    Yes, a case of "I guess that you just had to be there..."
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Silhouette Man wrote:
    minigeff wrote:
    Silhouette Man wrote:

    Agreed, a case of "I guess you just had to be there..."

    It's a Stewart Lee joke - it being unfunny being the whole point. 8-)

    Yeah..... these kinda jokes don't really work in text alone. It's the way this kinda joke is delivered that makes it funny.

    Yes, a case of "I guess that you just had to be there..."

    Indeed.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    After a harrowing mission Bond is resting in a Hospital.
    Walking in the Hospital gardens he sees an attractive
    Nurse, He tries his charms on her and goes in for a Kiss.
    Sadly he fails as she Knocks back his advances.
    It's the first time he's been refused on Medical grounds.

    I'm available for writting christmas cracker jokes. ;)
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    edited December 2012
    Paddy the Irishman decided he would build a rocket to fly up to the sun so that he could see it better. I asked him, "But would that not be very hot?" "Oh, don't worry", says he, "Sure, I'm going at night."
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    Thunderpussy wrote:
    After a harrowing mission Bond is resting in a Hospital.
    Walking in the Hospital gardens he sees an attractive
    Nurse, He tries his charms on her and goes in for a Kiss.
    Sadly he fails as she Knocks back his advances.
    It's the first time he's been refused on Medical grounds.

    I'm available for writting christmas cracker jokes. ;)


    Yes, I think that you might even be aiming a little bit too high, there! :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    Did you ever hear of the little old lady who couldn't sleep for worrying about the fact that she had only one match left with which to light the fire to keep herself warm and to cook her meals on. Well, she went downstairs through the middle of the night and struck the match - it lit perfectly on the first strike. Satisfied that it had worked, she went upstairs against and went to bed where she had a very restful and good night's sleep safe in the knowledge that the match had struck. -{
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    My wife; "I think I might get my dad some slippers for Christmas"

    Me; "know what size he is?"

    Wife; "9"

    Me; "zen vee shal haz to gez vot zize he ist zen!"

    True story, erm.... bro?
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    A guy wearing a wooly hat and threadbare wooly jumper walks into a tool shop. After pulling a battered looking shopping list out of his pocket, he asks the rather short shop keeper for the first item.

    "Four candles"

    Hilarity ensues with a repeat showing during the 'Christmas special' guaranteed for at least the next 40 years.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    edited March 2013
    Cracker joke that will crack your ribs with laughter:

    Q. What does a clock do when it is still hungry?

    A. Go back 4 seconds

    :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman come into a pub. The bartender says to them "Is this some kind of joke?" :p
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Four guys are sat round a table in a bar, one guy excuses himself to go to the karsi.

    The three remaining guys get talking about their sons.

    The first guy boasts "my son is now a CEO of a marketing firm, he earns a fortune, has a great wife and I got 3 lovely grandkids and he is so generous, that for this christmas he gave his best friend a boat!"

    The others look impressed, eager to out do each other the second guy chips in.
    "My son is a top lawer, has a penthouse in New York AND he has properties in London, LA and Paris. He's such a kind guy that this year, he gave his best friend a 3 story town house!"

    The third guy chuckled. "That's nothing, my son started as a waiter, got to be partner in the bar he worked, then bought the place outright, expanded the business and now has a whole chain of bars across the states. Next year he's gonna marry this stunning blonde model, I'm sure their kids are gonna look great! He donates half his profit to charity and he's such a good guy that he's treated his best buddy to his own bar to look after."

    The three guys all nodded approvingly just as their friend returned from the head.

    "We were all just saying how great and successful our boys are, what is it your son does?" Asked one of the guys.

    The forth guy twiddled his thumbs and looked at his feet, then nervously came out with it.

    "Ah well, erm, well he's a great kid and if he's happy then that's what's important to me, but erm, well he works downtown as a drag queen in some club, he's a raving poof, queer as a 9 dollar bill and has pretty much no morales, but hey he's my kid and I gotta love him".

    "Gee, that's pretty erm, different pal." Says one of the guys.

    "Well it's not all that bad" replies the forth guy. "He's giving all the drag stuff up this year cos his customers have treated him real well. He's gonna run this bar one 'client' GAVE him for a bit, save up some spending money and then go sailing in a boat another customer GAVE to him, then he's gonna have us all up to his new house his partner GIFTED to him."
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,845MI6 Agent
    The Daily Express (or should that be Daily Heil!) always has really joyful, hopeful and happy-go-lucky headlines.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
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