(cont)
Sir James: It doth sound like a trap, sire.
Sir Miles: Aye, but we must get yon code. Our man in Istanbul, Kerim Bey, awaits your arrival.
Sir James: Aye mine liege, I shall depart forthwith.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted satchel! See how carefully hidden are ye gold pieces, note where these knives are secreted. Most of all, look at ye knots where ye opening ist tied- a most unexpected surprise awaits one who doth open it ye wrong way.
Sir James: I thank'ee, Old Wizard.
Moneypenny: How lucky thou art, Sir James, ne'er to Istanbul hath I been.
Sir James: Ne'er hast thou eaten kebabs by ye Bosphorus? Ne'er got drunk on raki?
Moneypenny: Wouldst thee like to get me drunk, Sir James? Arranged this could easily be!
Sir James: Alas, I must go to see places, faces and smile for a moment- but oh, thou will haunt me so....
Act 3, Scene 2. the throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Moneypenny: Thou wert summoned some time ago, Sir James.
Sir James: An old case I had to go into.
Moneypenny: Aye, and most thoroughly too I wouldst imagine.
Sir James: aye, so much so, that I doubt it will ever appear again.
Moneypenny: apace Sir James, Sir Miles awaits .
Sir Miles: A most curious situation hast arisen, Naught Naught Seven, in Istanbul.
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Sir Miles: Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople, so if you've a case in Constantinople it'll be in Istanbul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG7xMTMdaLA It doth concern a Tatiana Romanova.
Sir James: I hast never heard of a Tatiana Romanova. She not beith from the Child Support Agency ?
Sir Miles: Mayhap, but she hast heard of thee. Thine likeness on a scroll she hast seen, and for thee she now bears great affection- great enough that she ist willing to impart unto us the Tsars' most secret Hannibal Lektor code.
Sir James: A most precious code!
Sir Miles: Aye, but she doth insist that thou must come to Istanbul to meet, and bring both her and ye code back to Albion
Sir James: It doth sound like a trap, sire.
Sir Miles: Aye, but we must get yon code. Our man in Istanbul, Kerim Bey, awaits your arrival.
Sir James: Aye mine liege, I shall depart forthwith.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted satchel! See how carefully hidden are ye gold pieces, note where these knives are secreted. Along with this new compact, folding bow. Most of all, look at ye knots where ye opening ist tied- a most unexpected surprise awaits one who doth open it ye wrong way. As this purse of snuff will be expelled upon
Them.
Sir James: nothing to be sniffed at, thenst ?
Old Wizard: you do'ist seem to have a nose for trouble.
Sir James: I thank'ee, Old Wizard.
Moneypenny: How lucky thou art, Sir James, ne'er to Istanbul hath I been.
Sir James: Ne'er hast thou eaten kebabs by ye Bosphorus? Ne'er got drunk on raki?
Moneypenny: Wouldst thee like to get me drunk, Sir James? Arranged this could easily be!
Sir James: Alas, I must go to see places, faces and smile for a moment- but oh, thou will haunt me so....
( I've only added a couple of lines )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James is met by a young man who turns out to be Kerim's son and taken to meet Kerim.
Include a line about how Kerim hopes his son may be President some day?
What's stopping me from starting this scene is that we need a funny version of the "Can I borrow a match" etc recognition routine, and I can't think of one!
) Yes, I've been thinking about a candle V Flint ? People used to use "Tapers" rolled up bits of paper
To light fires etc, but this may need too much explanation ? Possibly go for something new ? But crazy.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Small clay bottles with Greek Fire inside? It's basically ye olde version of nitroglycerine.
Throw it on the ground if you want to start a cozy little fire or light a match
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use a small clay bottle with Greek Fire inside.
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they go wrong.
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir
( He doth display two glass orbs)
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 1. A port in Istanbul (not Constantinople).
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Chauffeur: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Chauffeur: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Chauffeur: Well then, mayst I have a match?
Sir James: Of course, good sir - thine face and my ass? (He pointeth to the handsome mule which draws his carriage.). Sent have I been by Kerim Bey to meet thee, Sir James. I prithee, mine carriage awaits. (They drive off, and art followed by another carriage. Grant, in an ill-fitting suit by Sir Tomas of Ford, doth follow ye second carriage.)
Sir James: 'Tis normal for us to be followed, here?
Chauffeur: Aye, sir, today 'tis ye Prussians- thou canst tell by their outrageous footwear. Tomorrow I shalt no doubt be following them. (They arrive at a carpet shop.) Thou shouldst go straight in, Sir James, Kerim Bey awaits.
Sir James: I thank'ee. (Sir James enters ye chambers of Kerim Bey. A beauteous wench departs quickly, adjusting her garb.)
Kerim: Ah... Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (Again he doth display two glass orbs.)
Kerim: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Kerim: Sir James, I welcome thee to Istanbul!
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Kerim: Nay, 'tis Istanbul not Constantinople.
Sir James: By Zantium, I doth believe thou art correct. Thine driver ist a most intelligent youngblood.
Kerim: He ist mine son! And I doth hope that one day he shalt be President.
Sir James: ...to bicker with German jesters?
Kerim: Nay, not President of here- some country abroad. President for life, mayhap.
Sir James: Then he would need permission to stay.
Kerim: Mine friend, sure I am that this situation ist naught but a trap. Mine nose doth tell me so.
Sir James: Mayhap, but Sir Miles hath decreed that ye code ist most vital and we must make all effort to obtain it.
Kerim: Thee should spend a few pleasant days here with us, then thou shouldst go home.
Sir James: I shalt return to see ye later, Kerim Bey, but now I must go check mine lodgings. (Exits.)
Next, do we do Sir James checking the hotel room or just go straight back to Kerim's chambers (bomb attack, then the sewers)?
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, mayst I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir
( He doth display two glass orbs)
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt !
Chauffeur: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Chauffeur: Well then, mayst I have a match?
Sir James: Of course, good sir - thine face and my ass? (He pointeth to the handsome mule which draws his wagon-train).
And later on:
Kerim: Sir James, I welcome thee to Istanbul!
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Kerim: Nay, 'tis Istanbul not Constantinople.
Sir James: By Zantium, I doth believe thou art correct. Thine driver ist a most ...
Act 4, Scene 3. Ye chambers of Kerim Bey. (Kerim sits reading a scroll. Ye beauteous wench lies on a divan.)
Beauteous Wench: ...Kerim...?
Kerim: (Reading.) Hmmm?
Beauteous Wench: Oh Kerim....
Kerim: Later, mine sweet, I must work.
Beauteous Wench: Thou dost not love me any more...
Kerim: Overjoyed I am to be with thee! Oh, very well. (Kerim doth join ye wench on ye divan just before a huge bang.)
(Later, enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou must have had a hell of a party, Kerim Bey!
Kerim: ‘Twas gunpowder placed under mine desk exactly at ye time I should have been working there- fortunately I wast busy on ye divan.
Sir James: I doth hope ye wench ist all right.
Kerim: Alas, she doth think mine technique too violent. Sir James, ‘tis time we took a small trip.
When Kerim Bey and Bond visit the underground water reservoir..... should we make it the sewage?
And what should we use instead of the periscope? Is Bond sticking his head up the privy?
Needs more, plus jokes! Also I've made this Scene 3 in case someone wants to write a Scene 2 (Sir James goes to a boarding house and doesn't like the room).
Sir James: I believe you hath a chamber for me.
Manager: indeed good sir, sadly not the one requested, as a Spanish trader was
Imposed on us from another tavern, very unexpected.
Sir James: well, no one expects the Spanish imposition !, Let me see this new room.
( Sir James is escorted upstairs to a bed chamber )
Manager: I hope this meets with your pleasure.?
Sir James: restful chartreuse curtains and Angel's Breath gold trim, very nice, just the sort
Of thing I likeith.
Manager: so glad to hear that, as the only other room is our honeymoon suite, which now
Sadly overlooks the local bawdy house, and the maidens can be seen washing and changing
From thee balcony.
Sir James: how dare you show me this "pig sty " of a room when this Charming Honeymoon
Suite is available !, Place my bags there at once !
( They exit, to go to Sir James's new Chamber )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Thou must have had a hell of a party, Kerim Bey!
Kerim: ‘Twas gunpowder placed under mine desk exactly at ye time I should have been working there- fortunately I wast busy on ye divan.
Sir James: I doth hope ye wench ist all right.
Kerim: Alas, she doth think mine technique too violent. Sir James, ‘tis time we took a small trip- follow me! (Kerim opens a door and Sir James doth follow him.)
Sir James: Kerim, 'tis ye privy. I doth hope thou hast not got ye wrong idea...
Kerim: Have patience, mine friend, and faith. Now, see yonder trapdoor? Let us proceed... (Kerim leads Sir James down ye hatch, carrying a lighted torch.)
Sir James: Phew, ye smell here ist awful, Kerim, where art we heading?
Kerim: These ancient sewers doth lie under ye entire city. I know ye path to ye embassy of ye Tsars,and there we shalt hear if there ist anything interesting for us.
Kerim : .....This leads to a tunnel system, under the city. My son's keep their pets down here, so
Be not alarmed, if thee seeith rats, dogs or giraffes.
Sir James: giraffes ?
Kerim: aye, they must stoop over, I think it's a little cruel but you know kids and their pets !
( They get into a small punt and make their way across the small pond of water )
Sir James: I was recently in another punt...... With a slightly better view
Kerim: What about the smell ?
Sir James: old Sylvia, ? Le Bleu can be a bit heady.
Kerim: people dump any unwanted or tasteless items down here. Look at those
Awful green trainers floating by, even the rats fear to go near.
( They move further along )
Kerim: this is my daily exercise, along with some weight lifting and a quick Sumba class or two.
( They leave the punt and walk up a short tunnel, to another trapdoor, in the roof of the tunnel )
Kerim: we are now under the Russia House. This door leads up to their privy. Where over the years
I have seen much ! ...... Too much at times !
Sir James: can yee learn much from this ?
Kerim: oh yes, all the gossip is spoken of there. That's how I discovered Ken was cheating on Deirdre !
Now quickly, step up and push thy head through , it beith quite tight, you may have to use a little force.
Sir James: the things I do'ith for Albion !
( Sir James, pushes his head up the small opening , with much grunting ..... )
Stranger in nearby stall : go for it my friend, perhaps, with with a better crop harvest, we can get some more fiber Yes ?
( At last Sir James's head emerges from the privy, giving a view into the room across the vestibule )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Kerim Bey: At ye table's head is General Vaseline, of ye maritimers. He's quite a slippery customer, Sir James. He uses the back door to this privy but somehow squeezes in and out. Next to him ist his security chief, Baron Over, and finally, Bendz.
Sir James: Bendz, Over with another man with Vaseline. Look at the size of them! That shalt being a tear to the eye of any knave unlucky enough to be caught with his britches down, as the saying goes.
Kerim Bey: How they wouldst get in and out so smoothly -tis a mystery. That Vaseline is a powerful man.
Sir James: Now General Vaseline is shouting at Bendz. Giving him a hell of a blowing up. Must be quite a mouthful. Tell me, dost our lady Romanova ever come here?
Kerim Bey: Sometimes. Now I doth see the face of the other man! Krilenku - he ist a Bulging. Take a look - thou shouldst remember his visage, Sir James. He doth kill for pleasure.
Sir James: Lord Vaseline, Bendz, Over, the other man Bulging, in a privy - Tis quite a sweaty sight, Kerim. Aha! The girl, she comes now. Romanova! She ist shaping up quite nicely...
Kerim Bey: At ye table's head is General Vaseline, of ye maritimers. He's quite a slippery customer, Sir James. He uses the back door to this privy but somehow squeezes in and out. Next to him ist his security chief, Baron Over, and finally, Bendz.
Sir James: Bendz, Over with another man with Vaseline. Look at the size of them! That shalt being a tear to the eye of any knave unlucky enough to be caught with his britches down, as the saying goes.
Kerim Bey: How they wouldst get in and out so smoothly -tis a mystery. That Vaseline is a powerful man.
Sir James: Now General Vaseline is shouting at Bendz. Giving him a hell of a blowing up. Must be quite a mouthful. Tell me, dost our lady Romanova ever come here?
Kerim Bey: Sometimes. Now I doth see the face of the other man! Krilenku - he ist a Bulging. Take a look - thou shouldst remember his visage, Sir James. He doth kill for pleasure.
Sir James: Lord Vaseline, Bendz, Over, the other man Bulging, in a privy - Tis quite a sweaty sight, Kerim. Aha! The girl, she comes now. Romanova! She ist shaping up quite nicely...
Being a foreigner I don't see a single joke here
I actually insist on not seeing any jokes here ....
Comments
Sir James: It doth sound like a trap, sire.
Sir Miles: Aye, but we must get yon code. Our man in Istanbul, Kerim Bey, awaits your arrival.
Sir James: Aye mine liege, I shall depart forthwith.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted satchel! See how carefully hidden are ye gold pieces, note where these knives are secreted. Most of all, look at ye knots where ye opening ist tied- a most unexpected surprise awaits one who doth open it ye wrong way.
Sir James: I thank'ee, Old Wizard.
Moneypenny: How lucky thou art, Sir James, ne'er to Istanbul hath I been.
Sir James: Ne'er hast thou eaten kebabs by ye Bosphorus? Ne'er got drunk on raki?
Moneypenny: Wouldst thee like to get me drunk, Sir James? Arranged this could easily be!
Sir James: Alas, I must go to see places, faces and smile for a moment- but oh, thou will haunt me so....
Sir James is met by a young man who turns out to be Kerim's son and taken to meet Kerim.
Include a line about how Kerim hopes his son may be President some day?
Moneypenny: Thou wert summoned some time ago, Sir James.
Sir James: An old case I had to go into.
Moneypenny: Aye, and most thoroughly too I wouldst imagine.
Sir James: aye, so much so, that I doubt it will ever appear again.
Moneypenny: apace Sir James, Sir Miles awaits .
Sir Miles: A most curious situation hast arisen, Naught Naught Seven, in Istanbul.
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Sir Miles: Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople, so if you've a case in Constantinople it'll be in Istanbul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG7xMTMdaLA It doth concern a Tatiana Romanova.
Sir James: I hast never heard of a Tatiana Romanova. She not beith from the Child Support Agency ?
Sir Miles: Mayhap, but she hast heard of thee. Thine likeness on a scroll she hast seen, and for thee she now bears great affection- great enough that she ist willing to impart unto us the Tsars' most secret Hannibal Lektor code.
Sir James: A most precious code!
Sir Miles: Aye, but she doth insist that thou must come to Istanbul to meet, and bring both her and ye code back to Albion
Sir James: It doth sound like a trap, sire.
Sir Miles: Aye, but we must get yon code. Our man in Istanbul, Kerim Bey, awaits your arrival.
Sir James: Aye mine liege, I shall depart forthwith.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted satchel! See how carefully hidden are ye gold pieces, note where these knives are secreted. Along with this new compact, folding bow. Most of all, look at ye knots where ye opening ist tied- a most unexpected surprise awaits one who doth open it ye wrong way. As this purse of snuff will be expelled upon
Them.
Sir James: nothing to be sniffed at, thenst ?
Old Wizard: you do'ist seem to have a nose for trouble.
Sir James: I thank'ee, Old Wizard.
Moneypenny: How lucky thou art, Sir James, ne'er to Istanbul hath I been.
Sir James: Ne'er hast thou eaten kebabs by ye Bosphorus? Ne'er got drunk on raki?
Moneypenny: Wouldst thee like to get me drunk, Sir James? Arranged this could easily be!
Sir James: Alas, I must go to see places, faces and smile for a moment- but oh, thou will haunt me so....
( I've only added a couple of lines )
I especially like the one about Sylvia not appearing again.
What's stopping me from starting this scene is that we need a funny version of the "Can I borrow a match" etc recognition routine, and I can't think of one!
To light fires etc, but this may need too much explanation ? Possibly go for something new ? But crazy.
Throw it on the ground if you want to start a cozy little fire or light a match
To do the same thing ?
Sir James: I use a small clay bottle with Greek Fire inside.
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they go wrong.
Not sure about that....
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir
( He doth display two glass orbs)
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt !
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Chauffeur: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Chauffeur: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Chauffeur: Well then, mayst I have a match?
Sir James: Of course, good sir - thine face and my ass? (He pointeth to the handsome mule which draws his carriage.). Sent have I been by Kerim Bey to meet thee, Sir James. I prithee, mine carriage awaits.
(They drive off, and art followed by another carriage. Grant, in an ill-fitting suit by Sir Tomas of Ford, doth follow ye second carriage.)
Sir James: 'Tis normal for us to be followed, here?
Chauffeur: Aye, sir, today 'tis ye Prussians- thou canst tell by their outrageous footwear. Tomorrow I shalt no doubt be following them. (They arrive at a carpet shop.) Thou shouldst go straight in, Sir James, Kerim Bey awaits.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James enters ye chambers of Kerim Bey. A beauteous wench departs quickly, adjusting her garb.)
Kerim: Ah... Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (Again he doth display two glass orbs.)
Kerim: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Kerim: Sir James, I welcome thee to Istanbul!
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Kerim: Nay, 'tis Istanbul not Constantinople.
Sir James: By Zantium, I doth believe thou art correct. Thine driver ist a most intelligent youngblood.
Kerim: He ist mine son! And I doth hope that one day he shalt be President.
Sir James: ...to bicker with German jesters?
Kerim: Nay, not President of here- some country abroad. President for life, mayhap.
Sir James: Then he would need permission to stay.
Kerim: Mine friend, sure I am that this situation ist naught but a trap. Mine nose doth tell me so.
Sir James: Mayhap, but Sir Miles hath decreed that ye code ist most vital and we must make all effort to obtain it.
Kerim: Thee should spend a few pleasant days here with us, then thou shouldst go home.
Sir James: I shalt return to see ye later, Kerim Bey, but now I must go check mine lodgings. (Exits.)
Next, do we do Sir James checking the hotel room or just go straight back to Kerim's chambers (bomb attack, then the sewers)?
Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, mayst I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir
( He doth display two glass orbs)
Chauffeur; Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt !
Chauffeur: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Chauffeur: Well then, mayst I have a match?
Sir James: Of course, good sir - thine face and my ass? (He pointeth to the handsome mule which draws his wagon-train).
And later on:
Kerim: Sir James, I welcome thee to Istanbul!
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Kerim: Nay, 'tis Istanbul not Constantinople.
Sir James: By Zantium, I doth believe thou art correct. Thine driver ist a most ...
(Kerim sits reading a scroll. Ye beauteous wench lies on a divan.)
Beauteous Wench: ...Kerim...?
Kerim: (Reading.) Hmmm?
Beauteous Wench: Oh Kerim....
Kerim: Later, mine sweet, I must work.
Beauteous Wench: Thou dost not love me any more...
Kerim: Overjoyed I am to be with thee! Oh, very well.
(Kerim doth join ye wench on ye divan just before a huge bang.)
(Later, enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou must have had a hell of a party, Kerim Bey!
Kerim: ‘Twas gunpowder placed under mine desk exactly at ye time I should have been working there- fortunately I wast busy on ye divan.
Sir James: I doth hope ye wench ist all right.
Kerim: Alas, she doth think mine technique too violent. Sir James, ‘tis time we took a small trip.
Needs more, plus jokes! Also I've made this Scene 3 in case someone wants to write a Scene 2 (Sir James goes to a boarding house and doesn't like the room).
Sir James: I believe you hath a chamber for me.
Manager: indeed good sir, sadly not the one requested, as a Spanish trader was
Imposed on us from another tavern, very unexpected.
Sir James: well, no one expects the Spanish imposition !, Let me see this new room.
( Sir James is escorted upstairs to a bed chamber )
Manager: I hope this meets with your pleasure.?
Sir James: restful chartreuse curtains and Angel's Breath gold trim, very nice, just the sort
Of thing I likeith.
Manager: so glad to hear that, as the only other room is our honeymoon suite, which now
Sadly overlooks the local bawdy house, and the maidens can be seen washing and changing
From thee balcony.
Sir James: how dare you show me this "pig sty " of a room when this Charming Honeymoon
Suite is available !, Place my bags there at once !
( They exit, to go to Sir James's new Chamber )
Kerim: ‘Twas gunpowder placed under mine desk exactly at ye time I should have been working there- fortunately I wast busy on ye divan.
Sir James: I doth hope ye wench ist all right.
Kerim: Alas, she doth think mine technique too violent. Sir James, ‘tis time we took a small trip- follow me!
(Kerim opens a door and Sir James doth follow him.)
Sir James: Kerim, 'tis ye privy. I doth hope thou hast not got ye wrong idea...
Kerim: Have patience, mine friend, and faith. Now, see yonder trapdoor? Let us proceed...
(Kerim leads Sir James down ye hatch, carrying a lighted torch.)
Sir James: Phew, ye smell here ist awful, Kerim, where art we heading?
Kerim: These ancient sewers doth lie under ye entire city. I know ye path to ye embassy of ye Tsars,and there we shalt hear if there ist anything interesting for us.
Be not alarmed, if thee seeith rats, dogs or giraffes.
Sir James: giraffes ?
Kerim: aye, they must stoop over, I think it's a little cruel but you know kids and their pets !
( They get into a small punt and make their way across the small pond of water )
Sir James: I was recently in another punt...... With a slightly better view
Kerim: What about the smell ?
Sir James: old Sylvia, ? Le Bleu can be a bit heady.
Kerim: people dump any unwanted or tasteless items down here. Look at those
Awful green trainers floating by, even the rats fear to go near.
( They move further along )
Kerim: this is my daily exercise, along with some weight lifting and a quick Sumba class or two.
( They leave the punt and walk up a short tunnel, to another trapdoor, in the roof of the tunnel )
Kerim: we are now under the Russia House. This door leads up to their privy. Where over the years
I have seen much ! ...... Too much at times !
Sir James: can yee learn much from this ?
Kerim: oh yes, all the gossip is spoken of there. That's how I discovered Ken was cheating on Deirdre !
Now quickly, step up and push thy head through , it beith quite tight, you may have to use a little force.
Sir James: the things I do'ith for Albion !
( Sir James, pushes his head up the small opening , with much grunting ..... )
Stranger in nearby stall : go for it my friend, perhaps, with with a better crop harvest, we can get some more fiber Yes ?
( At last Sir James's head emerges from the privy, giving a view into the room across the vestibule )
Sir James: Bendz, Over with another man with Vaseline. Look at the size of them! That shalt being a tear to the eye of any knave unlucky enough to be caught with his britches down, as the saying goes.
Kerim Bey: How they wouldst get in and out so smoothly -tis a mystery. That Vaseline is a powerful man.
Sir James: Now General Vaseline is shouting at Bendz. Giving him a hell of a blowing up. Must be quite a mouthful. Tell me, dost our lady Romanova ever come here?
Kerim Bey: Sometimes. Now I doth see the face of the other man! Krilenku - he ist a Bulging. Take a look - thou shouldst remember his visage, Sir James. He doth kill for pleasure.
Sir James: Lord Vaseline, Bendz, Over, the other man Bulging, in a privy - Tis quite a sweaty sight, Kerim. Aha! The girl, she comes now. Romanova! She ist shaping up quite nicely...
(Keep going, guys!)
Being a foreigner I don't see a single joke here
I actually insist on not seeing any jokes here ....