Act 5, Scene 3. Ye chamber of Tania and Sir James. A knock ist heard.
Wagonmaster: Sir James, thou art ye friend of Kerim Bey?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Wagonmaster: Thou must come with me apace. (Ye wagonmaster leads Sir James to Bendz's chamber.)
I can Shakespearise the script, but I'm finding it hard to come up with anything funny for these scenes.
Act 5, Scene 3. Ye chamber of Tania and Sir James. A knock ist heard.
Wagonmaster: Sir James, thou art ye friend of Kerim Bey?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Wagonmaster: Thou must come with me apace.
(Ye wagonmaster leads Sir James to Bendz's chamber.)
Wagonmaster: look, I have heard of this before, men indulging in yodelling competitions, take it too far
And end up suffocating themselves through lack of breath !
Sir James: nay, they have talked themselves to death with long rambling stories ! Look at the dryness of
The mouth and the glazed over eyes. May have been when Kerim told of how he started as a traveling
Circumciser! The work had its draw backs but he got to keep the tips.
Wagonmaster: This must be reported
Sir James: here take this purse of coins, I'm certain Kermin's friends will also reward you. I shall be
Meeting one of his sons at the next stop.
( Sir James returns to his cabin and questions Tania about what she knows, but gets no answers. So
Waits for the wagontrain to stop ! Then alights to meet Kermin's son ........ )
Kermin's Son: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
( Sir James, looks down at a young boy in a pram, pushed by a comely wench )
Sir James: er ! ....I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Kermin's Son: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Kermin's Son: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Kermin's Son: Well then, mayst I have a match?
(Sir James, hands over some of Kermin's possessions, a pipe, tobacco pouch, flint,
A collection of Shakespeare novels, a camping tent, and a small goat )
Kermin's Son: t'is lucky I brought the pram !
Sir James: I need you to send a message to the nearest house of Albion, to send another
Good Knight to assist my quest.
Kermin's Son: I shall do as you ask ! ..... Come on Doll push on...... I have a meeting at seven
And I need changing !
( Sir James, climbs back on to the wagontrain, as it moves off )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(A man awaits ye wagon train. He ist wearing a bowler hat and a pinstripe doublet, whilst carrying a rolled up copy of "Ye Times" and a satchel like that of Sir James. Grant leaves ye wagon train and approaches ye man. What they say cannot be heard, but Grant doth display to him his balls then lead him to ye privy. A few moments later Grant returns, wearing ye bowler hat and carrying ye satchel. Sir James doth approach.)
Grant: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Grant: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Grant: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Grant: Thou must be Sir James Bond- thou may know me as Captain Gnorman Gnash, sent have I been by Sir Miles to assist thee.
Sir James: Apace, to mine chamber.
(Ye chamber of Sir James and Tania.)
Sir James: Tania, this be Captain Gnash who will aid us in our journey.
Tania: Greetings, Captain.
Grant: Old man, most hungry am I- may we go to ye dining chamber?
Sir James: But of course, let us make our way henceforth.
(Ye dining chamber.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.)
Sir James: ...and ye same for ye lady. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl. (Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken. (Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, and sees him slip something into Tania's drink.)
Later Bond could mention he was suspicious when Grant used a knife and fork, as the tradition
method of eating it was with both hands, like a viking warrior or zombie hungry for brains ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
The idea of my joke was that any man who eats smalahove sober must be ....... severely lacking in emotions. I should probably avoid that particular joke since you know my history with alcohol and smalahove.
Grant: See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are. (Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel. (Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me! (Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there. (Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
Grant: See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are.
(Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Not again, I was caught out once like this before in a Privy on Hampstead Heath !
Grant : hands in the pockets of thine hoes.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: have ye seen the drawings from Sir Miles's last Christmas party ?
Grant: Nay, but I have seen these etchings, ... Very revealing !
Sir James: er? ... I was young and needed the work ....
Grant : Oh these etchings are of you and the girl in thy bedchamber. Such use of colour, lighting,
Prosthetics, ..... All very tasteful. You didn't seem as angry getting on your knees then !
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel.
(Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me!
(Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there.
(Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Ye dining chamber.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.) I be'ith not very hungry Sir James.
Sir James: why not try something light ?
Tania: well, I might try some soup, .... With some bread ..... Some boiled vegetables..... A little steak, ... Some
Roast beef, a portion of black pudding,. Some sausages, a slice of pork with a rich sauce ....... Perhaps
followed by a fish course, a rack of lamb and some ice-cream ?
Sir James: ... Sounds delicious. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl.
(Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, and sees him slip something into Tania's drink.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Your finest work Thunderpusshy.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Had me laughing for a long time ) .
You could've also said stuffed sheep's head. I'll be disappointed if Grant doesn't suck on its eye.
(Ye dining chamber.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.) I be'eth not very hungry, Sir James.
Sir James: Why not try something light ?
Tania: Well, I might try some soup, .... with some bread ..... some boiled vegetables..... a little steak, ... some roast beef, a portion of black pudding,. some sausages, a slice of pork with a rich sauce ....... perhaps followed by a fish course, a rack of lamb and some ice-cream ?
Sir James: ... Sounds delicious. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl and a stuffed sheep's head. (Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken. (Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, as they begin to eat.)
Grant: I do think I have an escape route for us, old man, and will show thee back in thine chamber. (Grant plucks out ye eye from ye sheep's head, and sucks on it hungrily. Sir James's own eyes almost pop out of his head, then do somersaults as Grant slips something into Tania's wine.)
Sir James: ....Fine.... (Tania eats happily then begins to slow down...)
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I feel so sleepy...
Grant: Lady's come over all queer.
Sir James: Must be ye food.
Grant: Let us help her back to ye chamber.
Act 5, Scene 5. Ye chamber of Tania and Sir James. Tania ist laid down on ye bed.
Sir James: And what did thee put in her drink, Captain Gnash?
Grant: Merely a sleeping draught, old man. See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are. (Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out. Grant doth go through Sir James's pockets, removing his purse of coins, sword & flintlock, tobacco case, painting of Jack Lord inscribed "From Felix with love", membership card for Ye Playboy Club, forty-three letters from ye Child Support Agency, a dartboard with Kevin McClory's face, and a stylus which transforms into a bow.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Not again, I was caught out once like this before in a privy on Hampstead Heath!
Grant: Hands in ye pockets of thine hose.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: Have ye seen the drawings from Sir Miles's last Christmas party then?
Grant: Nay, but I hast seen these etchings... very revealing!
Sir James: Er? ... I was young and needed the work....
Grant: Oh, these etchings are of thee and the girl in thy bedchamber. Such use of colour, lighting, prosthetics..... all very tasteful. You didn't seem as angry getting on your knees then!
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel. (Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me! (Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there- I willst get it.
Grant: Nay! Keep still, I shall get it. (Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
I'm not much good with the fight scenes- I'd just write something like "They do battle and Sir James emerges victorious". Anyone fancy having a bash?
(Sir James doth recover his belongings from Grant's body.)
Sir James: These thou shalt not need, "Old Man"... Tania! Wake up!
Tania: (Asleep.) ...oh yes, that feels wonderful... Felix... (Sir James does a double-take.)
Sir James: Tania! Thou must awake forthwith!
Tania: Wherefore...? Oh, Sir James, what hast happened?
Sir James: No time to explain, thou must come with me apace. (They grab their bags and leave ye chamber, then ye wagon train.)
Act 6, Scene 1. Sir James and Tania hide while ye wagon train moves off. A man with a carriage waits.
Man: Grant? Grant? Wherefore art thou, Grant? (Sir James creeps up behind and knocks ye man out, throwing him in ye back of ye carriage.)
Sir James: Quick, Tania, into ye carriage! (They move off into ye countryside, which doth look totally unlike Scotland, no sirree, definitely not.)
Tania: Sir James, watch out for yon man with... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: Canst thou see him?
Tania: (Looking hinter.) Nay, for his shoes hath merged with ye colour of ye grass.
Sir James: Then, no matter.
I was thinking instead of Bond being
Harrased by a helicopter, it could be a trained Eagle ? With Bond using an old wizard
Creation, a folding bow ? To kill the human handler not the bird of prey. Don't want
PETA all over us.
Tania: Sir James, look above! (A team of trained eagles ist hovering above their carriage. One doth swoop down and narrowly misses.)
Sir James: Tania, get below ye carriage! (Sir James leaps out of ye carriage and leads ye eagles into ye hills. From a rock he spies ye handler, instructing ye eagles. Apace, he doth pull ye stylus from his doublet and unfold it into a bow. Avoiding an eagle, he doth fire at ye handler. His aim ist true and ye handler ist slain. Leaderless, ye eagles fly away. Sir James returns to ye carriage, where ye driver ist now awakening.)
Sir James: I'd say their eagle hast landed. (He doth take ye reins and drive off. They arrive at a small jetty, where a boat awaits.)
Sir James: Now, Tania, into ye boat- you too, smiler! (All get into ye boat and Sir James casts off.)
Tania: But, Sir James, where shalt we go?
Sir James: Worry ye not, mine lady, these charts shalt guide us. Now, my friend, 'tis time for a bath- I doth hope thou canst swim! (Sir James throws ye driver into the water, where he curses furiously.)
Act 6, Scene 2. Ye boat of ye Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Alack, Grant hast been slain and Sir James doth possess ye Hannibal Lektor code. 'Twould seem that thou hast failed, Colonel Klebb...?
Klebb: Nay, Number One, I have followed Kronsteen's plan most faithfully.
Kronsteen: Mine plan wast perfect, 'twas Klebb's people who have failed. (Baron Morzeny enters quietly behind Klebb and Kronsteen.)
Comte: Thou art aware of ye price of failure, Colonel Klebb...
Klebb: (Nervous.) Aye, Number One.
Comte: Very simple our rules doth be- if thou dost fail... (Baron Morzeny kicks Kronsteen, who doth look confused until he sees what ye Baron ist wearing- green training shoes. Kronsteen doth expire from shock and horror.)
Comte: Hmm, these art more effective than I had thought. Colonel Klebb, thou hast one more chance, and do not fail me!
Klebb: Most certainly, Number One.
Act 6, Scene 3. Baron Morzeny and his men approach ye boat of Sir James and Tania.
Tania: Sir James, look hinter!
Baron Morzeny: Ahoy, Sir James! Splice ye mainbrace and avast ye swabs! Prepare to be boarded, ah-har!
Tania: Ist he a pirate?
Sir James: Nay, only a pirate copy- take ye wheel, Tania! (Sir James throws some barrels of gunpowder onto ye water.)
Baron Morzeny: Hm, seize ye these barrels, men.
Henchman: But Baron, should we not pursue Sir James all the more quickly and not waste our time?
Baron Morzeny: Do not argue, seize them!
Henchman: (Doubrful.) Aye aye, Captain...
Baron Morzeny: Heave to, Sir James, or we shalt sink thee! (Sir James doth take aim with his flintlock at ye barrels, one after another, and fires. Great sheets of flame engulf ye boats pursuing Sir James.)
Sir James: Now, let us make speed away from here.
Act 6, Scene 4. A boarding house.
Sir James: Safe we are at last, Tania.
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I didst think this moment would never come.
Sir James: I shalt arrange for our transport to Albion. (Enter Colonel Klebb, dressed as a maid.)
Klebb: I shalt take thine bags, good sir.
Sir James: Nay nay, I can manage. (Tania doth recognize Klebb.)
Tania: Sir James! Take heed!
Sir James: Klebb! (Klebb makes to kick Sir James with her vile green trainers. Sir James grabs a chair and pins her to ye wall.)
Sir James: Tania, thine help, I prithee! (Tania hesitantly takes Sir James's flintlock and slays Klebb.)
Tania: Horrible old woman...
Sir James: Aye, and such terrible taste in footwear.
The baron should order his boats to stop by the barrels instead of pursuing Bond, maybe even ordering them to tie the barrels to their ships. A members of his crew might argue against him by using logic, but the Baron wins.
Comments
Oops, think I might have drifted into Amish there
www.justgiving.com/inMemoryOfLewisCollins
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
Wagonmaster: Sir James, thou art ye friend of Kerim Bey?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Wagonmaster: Thou must come with me apace.
(Ye wagonmaster leads Sir James to Bendz's chamber.)
I can Shakespearise the script, but I'm finding it hard to come up with anything funny for these scenes.
Wagonmaster: Sir James, thou art ye friend of Kerim Bey?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Wagonmaster: Thou must come with me apace.
(Ye wagonmaster leads Sir James to Bendz's chamber.)
Wagonmaster: look, I have heard of this before, men indulging in yodelling competitions, take it too far
And end up suffocating themselves through lack of breath !
Sir James: nay, they have talked themselves to death with long rambling stories ! Look at the dryness of
The mouth and the glazed over eyes. May have been when Kerim told of how he started as a traveling
Circumciser! The work had its draw backs but he got to keep the tips.
Wagonmaster: This must be reported
Sir James: here take this purse of coins, I'm certain Kermin's friends will also reward you. I shall be
Meeting one of his sons at the next stop.
( Sir James returns to his cabin and questions Tania about what she knows, but gets no answers. So
Waits for the wagontrain to stop ! Then alights to meet Kermin's son ........ )
Kermin's Son: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
( Sir James, looks down at a young boy in a pram, pushed by a comely wench )
Sir James: er ! ....I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Kermin's Son: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Kermin's Son: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Kermin's Son: Well then, mayst I have a match?
(Sir James, hands over some of Kermin's possessions, a pipe, tobacco pouch, flint,
A collection of Shakespeare novels, a camping tent, and a small goat )
Kermin's Son: t'is lucky I brought the pram !
Sir James: I need you to send a message to the nearest house of Albion, to send another
Good Knight to assist my quest.
Kermin's Son: I shall do as you ask ! ..... Come on Doll push on...... I have a meeting at seven
And I need changing !
( Sir James, climbs back on to the wagontrain, as it moves off )
(A man awaits ye wagon train. He ist wearing a bowler hat and a pinstripe doublet, whilst carrying a rolled up copy of "Ye Times" and a satchel like that of Sir James. Grant leaves ye wagon train and approaches ye man. What they say cannot be heard, but Grant doth display to him his balls then lead him to ye privy. A few moments later Grant returns, wearing ye bowler hat and carrying ye satchel. Sir James doth approach.)
Grant: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Grant: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Grant: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Grant: Thou must be Sir James Bond- thou may know me as Captain Gnorman Gnash, sent have I been by Sir Miles to assist thee.
Sir James: Apace, to mine chamber.
(Ye chamber of Sir James and Tania.)
Sir James: Tania, this be Captain Gnash who will aid us in our journey.
Tania: Greetings, Captain.
Grant: Old man, most hungry am I- may we go to ye dining chamber?
Sir James: But of course, let us make our way henceforth.
(Ye dining chamber.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.)
Sir James: ...and ye same for ye lady. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl.
(Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, and sees him slip something into Tania's drink.)
method of eating it was with both hands, like a viking warrior or zombie hungry for brains ?
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are.
(Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel.
(Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me!
(Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there.
(Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
Grant: See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are.
(Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Not again, I was caught out once like this before in a Privy on Hampstead Heath !
Grant : hands in the pockets of thine hoes.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: have ye seen the drawings from Sir Miles's last Christmas party ?
Grant: Nay, but I have seen these etchings, ... Very revealing !
Sir James: er? ... I was young and needed the work ....
Grant : Oh these etchings are of you and the girl in thy bedchamber. Such use of colour, lighting,
Prosthetics, ..... All very tasteful. You didn't seem as angry getting on your knees then !
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel.
(Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me!
(Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there.
(Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.) I be'ith not very hungry Sir James.
Sir James: why not try something light ?
Tania: well, I might try some soup, .... With some bread ..... Some boiled vegetables..... A little steak, ... Some
Roast beef, a portion of black pudding,. Some sausages, a slice of pork with a rich sauce ....... Perhaps
followed by a fish course, a rack of lamb and some ice-cream ?
Sir James: ... Sounds delicious. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl.
(Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, and sees him slip something into Tania's drink.)
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Had me laughing for a long time
You could've also said stuffed sheep's head. I'll be disappointed if Grant doesn't suck on its eye.
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I willst have ye scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.) I be'eth not very hungry, Sir James.
Sir James: Why not try something light ?
Tania: Well, I might try some soup, .... with some bread ..... some boiled vegetables..... a little steak, ... some roast beef, a portion of black pudding,. some sausages, a slice of pork with a rich sauce ....... perhaps followed by a fish course, a rack of lamb and some ice-cream ?
Sir James: ... Sounds delicious. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl and a stuffed sheep's head.
(Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, as they begin to eat.)
Grant: I do think I have an escape route for us, old man, and will show thee back in thine chamber.
(Grant plucks out ye eye from ye sheep's head, and sucks on it hungrily. Sir James's own eyes almost pop out of his head, then do somersaults as Grant slips something into Tania's wine.)
Sir James: ....Fine....
(Tania eats happily then begins to slow down...)
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I feel so sleepy...
Grant: Lady's come over all queer.
Sir James: Must be ye food.
Grant: Let us help her back to ye chamber.
Sir James: And what did thee put in her drink, Captain Gnash?
Grant: Merely a sleeping draught, old man. See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are.
(Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out. Grant doth go through Sir James's pockets, removing his purse of coins, sword & flintlock, tobacco case, painting of Jack Lord inscribed "From Felix with love", membership card for Ye Playboy Club, forty-three letters from ye Child Support Agency, a dartboard with Kevin McClory's face, and a stylus which transforms into a bow.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Not again, I was caught out once like this before in a privy on Hampstead Heath!
Grant: Hands in ye pockets of thine hose.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: Have ye seen the drawings from Sir Miles's last Christmas party then?
Grant: Nay, but I hast seen these etchings... very revealing!
Sir James: Er? ... I was young and needed the work....
Grant: Oh, these etchings are of thee and the girl in thy bedchamber. Such use of colour, lighting, prosthetics..... all very tasteful. You didn't seem as angry getting on your knees then!
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel.
(Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me!
(Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there- I willst get it.
Grant: Nay! Keep still, I shall get it.
(Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)
I'm not much good with the fight scenes- I'd just write something like "They do battle and Sir James emerges victorious". Anyone fancy having a bash?
(Sir James doth recover his belongings from Grant's body.)
Sir James: These thou shalt not need, "Old Man"... Tania! Wake up!
Tania: (Asleep.) ...oh yes, that feels wonderful... Felix...
(Sir James does a double-take.)
Sir James: Tania! Thou must awake forthwith!
Tania: Wherefore...? Oh, Sir James, what hast happened?
Sir James: No time to explain, thou must come with me apace.
(They grab their bags and leave ye chamber, then ye wagon train.)
Man: Grant? Grant? Wherefore art thou, Grant?
(Sir James creeps up behind and knocks ye man out, throwing him in ye back of ye carriage.)
Sir James: Quick, Tania, into ye carriage!
(They move off into ye countryside, which doth look totally unlike Scotland, no sirree, definitely not.)
Tania: Sir James, watch out for yon man with... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: Canst thou see him?
Tania: (Looking hinter.) Nay, for his shoes hath merged with ye colour of ye grass.
Sir James: Then, no matter.
Tania: Sir James, look above!
(A team of trained eagles ist hovering above their carriage. One doth swoop down and narrowly misses.)
Sir James: Tania, get below ye carriage!
(Sir James leaps out of ye carriage and leads ye eagles into ye hills. From a rock he spies ye handler, instructing ye eagles. Apace, he doth pull ye stylus from his doublet and unfold it into a bow. Avoiding an eagle, he doth fire at ye handler. His aim ist true and ye handler ist slain. Leaderless, ye eagles fly away. Sir James returns to ye carriage, where ye driver ist now awakening.)
Sir James: I'd say their eagle hast landed.
(He doth take ye reins and drive off. They arrive at a small jetty, where a boat awaits.)
Sir James: Now, Tania, into ye boat- you too, smiler!
(All get into ye boat and Sir James casts off.)
Tania: But, Sir James, where shalt we go?
Sir James: Worry ye not, mine lady, these charts shalt guide us. Now, my friend, 'tis time for a bath- I doth hope thou canst swim!
(Sir James throws ye driver into the water, where he curses furiously.)
Act 6, Scene 2. Ye boat of ye Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Alack, Grant hast been slain and Sir James doth possess ye Hannibal Lektor code. 'Twould seem that thou hast failed, Colonel Klebb...?
Klebb: Nay, Number One, I have followed Kronsteen's plan most faithfully.
Kronsteen: Mine plan wast perfect, 'twas Klebb's people who have failed.
(Baron Morzeny enters quietly behind Klebb and Kronsteen.)
Comte: Thou art aware of ye price of failure, Colonel Klebb...
Klebb: (Nervous.) Aye, Number One.
Comte: Very simple our rules doth be- if thou dost fail...
(Baron Morzeny kicks Kronsteen, who doth look confused until he sees what ye Baron ist wearing- green training shoes. Kronsteen doth expire from shock and horror.)
Comte: Hmm, these art more effective than I had thought. Colonel Klebb, thou hast one more chance, and do not fail me!
Klebb: Most certainly, Number One.
Tania: Sir James, look hinter!
Baron Morzeny: Ahoy, Sir James! Splice ye mainbrace and avast ye swabs! Prepare to be boarded, ah-har!
Tania: Ist he a pirate?
Sir James: Nay, only a pirate copy- take ye wheel, Tania!
(Sir James throws some barrels of gunpowder onto ye water.)
Baron Morzeny: Hm, seize ye these barrels, men.
Henchman: But Baron, should we not pursue Sir James all the more quickly and not waste our time?
Baron Morzeny: Do not argue, seize them!
Henchman: (Doubrful.) Aye aye, Captain...
Baron Morzeny: Heave to, Sir James, or we shalt sink thee!
(Sir James doth take aim with his flintlock at ye barrels, one after another, and fires. Great sheets of flame engulf ye boats pursuing Sir James.)
Sir James: Now, let us make speed away from here.
Act 6, Scene 4. A boarding house.
Sir James: Safe we are at last, Tania.
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I didst think this moment would never come.
Sir James: I shalt arrange for our transport to Albion.
(Enter Colonel Klebb, dressed as a maid.)
Klebb: I shalt take thine bags, good sir.
Sir James: Nay nay, I can manage.
(Tania doth recognize Klebb.)
Tania: Sir James! Take heed!
Sir James: Klebb!
(Klebb makes to kick Sir James with her vile green trainers. Sir James grabs a chair and pins her to ye wall.)
Sir James: Tania, thine help, I prithee!
(Tania hesitantly takes Sir James's flintlock and slays Klebb.)
Tania: Horrible old woman...
Sir James: Aye, and such terrible taste in footwear.
Edit- I just went for the green shoes, in the absence of anything better.