Has anyone got any ideas or jokes to add to this scene? As you know, it starts the whole thing off and I feel it's a bit understated.
Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Forsooth, matters doth become... interesting.
Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess.
At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a rube.
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. (Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe... (At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on... (Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me. (He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know... (Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Sir James: Excellent- mine address ist on ye card. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there, and ye address of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.
Perhaps someone would like to spice this one up a little?
Act 1, Scene 3. The bedchamber of Sir James.
Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not.
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately...
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond. Here givith him my card.
Steward: Barry's personal massage with guaranteed " Happy Ending " !
Man who will never be seen again: Sorry, this beith the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not. Verily mine balls hath not been better played with !
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Well handled, TP. {[]
That's this adventure and therefore our series off to a better start. I repeated your card joke at the end.
Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond. Here, giveth him my card.
Steward: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Man who will never be seen again: Sorry, this be'eth the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. (Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe... (At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on... (Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear and gives him a card.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me. (He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know... (Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Duchess Sylvia: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Sir James: Sorry, this be'eth the right card- mine address ist there. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there and back, and ye name of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.
If you guys are willing to continue, I originally compressed several scenes into one as below:
Act 2, Scene 3. A drinking house. A band plays "Good Morning Kingston Town".
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Lord Felix: I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, sent from across the sea. Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
Damsel Annabel: Thine likeness I doth seek, Sir James.
Sir James: Seize her, Quarrel! Now, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Ne'er shall I tell.
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, though mayhap another time.
Damsel Annabel: Thee be rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....
There's easily scope to spread this one scene out-
Act 2, Scene 1. A port.
Sir James arrives at Kingston, is picked up by Yeoman Jones & followed by Quarrel & Felix.
Act 2, Scene 2. A club
He meets Alchemist Dent, Pleydell-Smith, etc.
Act 2, Scene 3. A harbour.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
(Ends with meeting Felix.)
Act 2, Scene 4. A drinking place.
Lord Felix: Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
Damsel Annabel: Thine likeness I doth seek, Sir James.
Sir James: Seize her, Quarrel! Now, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Ne'er shall I tell.
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, though mayhap another time.
Damsel Annabel: Thee be rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....
I originally did this one myself, and it's kinda thin and unfunny compared to more recent ones where TP, C&D, etc have pitched in. I'm very grateful to them for their ideas above, and think it would be good to revise this one in particular since it's the first someone will read and at the moment doesn't really represent the crazy style we later evolved.
As ever, all ideas and suggestions welcome! And it doesn't have to be "Shakespearean" - just anything funny, and we'll work it in.
Act 2, Scene 1. A port.
Sir James arrives at Kingston, is picked up by Yeoman Jones & followed by Quarrel & Felix.
( Sir James doth saunter down the gangplank from the newly arrived ship , neatly sidestepping
A woman trying to to sketch his likeness, her parchment showing a man with a hat covering his
Face )
Driver: are you Sir James, I'm here to collect you.
Sir James: aye. To the Governor's house at once !
Driver: Certainly, ....... Do you have the directions ?
( Sir James, doubts the veracity of his driver, but decides to play along ...... )
Sir James: along the coast road, but I be'ith in no hurry, so just take'th me for a ride.
( With a whip crack, they away, .......... Followed by another carriage )
Driver: I think we're being followed Sire.
Sir James: Quickly at the next turn, go in there and stop, they should pass us.
( The Driver complies with Bond's instructions , turning to find Sir James pointing a dagger at him )
Sir James: Now some answers before your friends double back.
Driver: They're not my friends, I have a very small close group friends with shared Interests in literature,
The arts, line dancing and the history of Scottish cordon bleu cuisine.......
( While talking he reaches for his sword, only to be thrown from the carriage by Sir James.... )
Sir James: have at you Varlet !
( They do engage in battle with Sir James triumphant )
Driver: please stop, I'll talk.... You're just too much of a man for me ...
Sir James: as many a Lady has discovered, now talk !
Driver: first, may I smoke, .... My pipe, it whilst ease mine throat.
( Sir James allows him, but doth not notice the small vile of poison hidden within it, .. too late he grabs
At the Varlet, ....... )
Driver: To hell with You !
Sir James: Well, that's a bit rude, I must say.
Driver:, eh, sorry. I will merely wish you misfortune in your efforts ?
Sir James: yes, That's much better.
( Sir James, drives the carriage himself to the Governor's house, stopping to tell the Sargent of arms about
His now deceased passenger )
Sir James: You know, I'm beginning to think tobacco may just be bad for one's health !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Some ideas:
Bond should beat the spider to death with his shoe to the beat of some silly song.
The carriage that follows him later should be filled to the brim with leaky barrels of lamp oil. The men driving it are smoking their pipes, lighting them, knocking them on the barrels etc. For some reason the wagon explodes in a fireball when it crashes. Bond comments on the dangers of smoking again.
When Bond hands over miss Taro to the police she complains: "How can you do this now, after I have slept with you, washed your clothes, mended your hat, made you lunch and even polished your shoes?"
Bond: -Well I certainly wouldn't have done it before ....
Dr No's headquarters is very stylish and ahead of its time. Perhaps even a lot like a house several years after the age of the Bard? The doctor comments: "call me crazy, but I think this style will become popular some day!
Bond obviously calls him crazy in very colourful and inventive ways.
When Dr No encorages Bond to call him crazy, Bond really lets it rip:
-madder than a theft-prone Italian marbel factory
-less sane than the Bedlam asylum for the criminally insane
- crazier than her Majesty's Royal Zoo's infamous gin-parties
Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James returns to his hotel room.
Steward: Your mead, good sir. Shaken as thee said, and not stirred.
Sir James: I thank'ee, my good man. (Steward exits. Sir James drinks his mead, then doth open his satchel. From within he produces a bottle of strong beverage from ye land of ye Tsars, two bottles of wine, a flask of ouzo and one lemon. Mixing them all together, he doth drink ye lot and fall into bed.)
Sir James: (Drunkenly sings.) Three blind mice, in a row.... (Sir James falls asleep. A few hours later, he doth awake...)
Act 2, Scene 3. A harbour.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
Sir James: And what is thy name, yeoman?
Quarrel: Quarrel.
Sir James: I seek no fight with thee, yeoman, now what is thy name?
Quarrel: Sir James, I was named by my mother after my father, an argumentative man.
Sir James: Thou needst explain no further, yeoman Higgins. What did the Duke of Strangways do when thou took him into yonder Caribbean?
Quarrel: Fishing, sire?
Sir James: Mayhap I am, yeoman Higgins, but I'm the one asking the questions. I wish to charter thy vessel. I search for Crabs.
Quarrel: Thou shouldst venture to the local knocking shop, Sir James, the Flintlock and Doublet Strap, thou is bound to pick up a dose, 'tis 'men only' night tonight. Now please excuse me Sir James, I doth tarry too long. Puss Feller?
Sir James: More of a boobs man, actually, but any port in a storm.
Quarrel, to Puss Feller: Sir James and I need privacy, canst thou assist?
As Sir James and Quarrel move to a sheltered spot, Puss Feller wraps his arms around Sir James from behind and holds him tight. Quarrel produces a dagger from his hose and waves it threateningly under Naught Naught Seven's nose.
Quarrel: 'Tis no use struggling Sir James, Puss Feller wrestles alligators.
Sir James: Quite the grip he hast on me, the like of which I was not expecting until closing time at the Flintlock and Doublet Strap this eve...
At that, Sir James's tireless and deadly training takes over as he kicks the dagger from Quarrel's hand and throws Puss Feller over his shoulder. As the two men scrabble for purchase, Sir James backs away until he feels a hard protrusion in his back.
Sir James: Is this an advance booking for the Flintlock this evening?
Sir Felix: Easy, sire, let us not get excited. Yeoman Quarrel, frisk him.
As Yeoman Quarrel frisks Sir James, Sir Felix notes the concealed musket which the old wizard hath issued to Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Felix: Hast thou come from His Majesty's realm? Thine armour ist Savile Row. My name is Felix, Felix Lighter, or 'two flints' as they hath called me at Virginia. I take it thou art Sir James. Come, let us dine at Puss Feller's tavern and discuss thine problem with Crabs...
They depart
What! There was a discussion about Frump and I wasn't there? This is deeply tragic - now I have to go back to discussing the body parts of Bond girls. Both issues are important, but ....
Comments
Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Forsooth, matters doth become... interesting.
Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess.
At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a rube.
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
Thank you!
Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe...
(At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
(Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me.
(He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know...
(Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Sir James: Excellent- mine address ist on ye card. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there, and ye address of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.
Act 1, Scene 3. The bedchamber of Sir James.
Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not.
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately...
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond. Here givith him my card.
Steward: Barry's personal massage with guaranteed " Happy Ending " !
Man who will never be seen again: Sorry, this beith the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not. Verily mine balls hath not been better played with !
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately
That's this adventure and therefore our series off to a better start. I repeated your card joke at the end.
Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond. Here, giveth him my card.
Steward: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Man who will never be seen again: Sorry, this be'eth the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.
(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe...
(At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs.
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
(Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear and gives him a card.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me.
(He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know...
(Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Duchess Sylvia: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Sir James: Sorry, this be'eth the right card- mine address ist there. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there and back, and ye name of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.
Act 2, Scene 3. A drinking house. A band plays "Good Morning Kingston Town".
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Lord Felix: I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, sent from across the sea. Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
Damsel Annabel: Thine likeness I doth seek, Sir James.
Sir James: Seize her, Quarrel! Now, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Ne'er shall I tell.
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, though mayhap another time.
Damsel Annabel: Thee be rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....
There's easily scope to spread this one scene out-
Act 2, Scene 1. A port.
Sir James arrives at Kingston, is picked up by Yeoman Jones & followed by Quarrel & Felix.
Act 2, Scene 2. A club
He meets Alchemist Dent, Pleydell-Smith, etc.
Act 2, Scene 3. A harbour.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
(Ends with meeting Felix.)
Act 2, Scene 4. A drinking place.
Lord Felix: Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
Damsel Annabel: Thine likeness I doth seek, Sir James.
Sir James: Seize her, Quarrel! Now, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Ne'er shall I tell.
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, though mayhap another time.
Damsel Annabel: Thee be rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....
I originally did this one myself, and it's kinda thin and unfunny compared to more recent ones where TP, C&D, etc have pitched in. I'm very grateful to them for their ideas above, and think it would be good to revise this one in particular since it's the first someone will read and at the moment doesn't really represent the crazy style we later evolved.
As ever, all ideas and suggestions welcome! And it doesn't have to be "Shakespearean" - just anything funny, and we'll work it in.
Sir James arrives at Kingston, is picked up by Yeoman Jones & followed by Quarrel & Felix.
( Sir James doth saunter down the gangplank from the newly arrived ship , neatly sidestepping
A woman trying to to sketch his likeness, her parchment showing a man with a hat covering his
Face )
Driver: are you Sir James, I'm here to collect you.
Sir James: aye. To the Governor's house at once !
Driver: Certainly, ....... Do you have the directions ?
( Sir James, doubts the veracity of his driver, but decides to play along ...... )
Sir James: along the coast road, but I be'ith in no hurry, so just take'th me for a ride.
( With a whip crack, they away, .......... Followed by another carriage )
Driver: I think we're being followed Sire.
Sir James: Quickly at the next turn, go in there and stop, they should pass us.
( The Driver complies with Bond's instructions , turning to find Sir James pointing a dagger at him )
Sir James: Now some answers before your friends double back.
Driver: They're not my friends, I have a very small close group friends with shared Interests in literature,
The arts, line dancing and the history of Scottish cordon bleu cuisine.......
( While talking he reaches for his sword, only to be thrown from the carriage by Sir James.... )
Sir James: have at you Varlet !
( They do engage in battle with Sir James triumphant )
Driver: please stop, I'll talk.... You're just too much of a man for me ...
Sir James: as many a Lady has discovered, now talk !
Driver: first, may I smoke, .... My pipe, it whilst ease mine throat.
( Sir James allows him, but doth not notice the small vile of poison hidden within it, .. too late he grabs
At the Varlet, ....... )
Driver: To hell with You !
Sir James: Well, that's a bit rude, I must say.
Driver:, eh, sorry. I will merely wish you misfortune in your efforts ?
Sir James: yes, That's much better.
( Sir James, drives the carriage himself to the Governor's house, stopping to tell the Sargent of arms about
His now deceased passenger )
Sir James: You know, I'm beginning to think tobacco may just be bad for one's health !
That hitsh the shpot, Trebek!
PS Especially the "Scottish cordon bleu cuisine"... short course, then?
Some ideas:
Bond should beat the spider to death with his shoe to the beat of some silly song.
The carriage that follows him later should be filled to the brim with leaky barrels of lamp oil. The men driving it are smoking their pipes, lighting them, knocking them on the barrels etc. For some reason the wagon explodes in a fireball when it crashes. Bond comments on the dangers of smoking again.
When Bond hands over miss Taro to the police she complains: "How can you do this now, after I have slept with you, washed your clothes, mended your hat, made you lunch and even polished your shoes?"
Bond: -Well I certainly wouldn't have done it before ....
Dr No's headquarters is very stylish and ahead of its time. Perhaps even a lot like a house several years after the age of the Bard? The doctor comments: "call me crazy, but I think this style will become popular some day!
Bond obviously calls him crazy in very colourful and inventive ways.
Looking forward to incorporating those other ideas as well.
-madder than a theft-prone Italian marbel factory
-less sane than the Bedlam asylum for the criminally insane
- crazier than her Majesty's Royal Zoo's infamous gin-parties
"Itsy bitsy spider climbed ....."
Steward: Your mead, good sir. Shaken as thee said, and not stirred.
Sir James: I thank'ee, my good man.
(Steward exits. Sir James drinks his mead, then doth open his satchel. From within he produces a bottle of strong beverage from ye land of ye Tsars, two bottles of wine, a flask of ouzo and one lemon. Mixing them all together, he doth drink ye lot and fall into bed.)
Sir James: (Drunkenly sings.) Three blind mice, in a row....
(Sir James falls asleep. A few hours later, he doth awake...)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
Sir James: And what is thy name, yeoman?
Quarrel: Quarrel.
Sir James: I seek no fight with thee, yeoman, now what is thy name?
Quarrel: Sir James, I was named by my mother after my father, an argumentative man.
Sir James: Thou needst explain no further, yeoman Higgins. What did the Duke of Strangways do when thou took him into yonder Caribbean?
Quarrel: Fishing, sire?
Sir James: Mayhap I am, yeoman Higgins, but I'm the one asking the questions. I wish to charter thy vessel. I search for Crabs.
Quarrel: Thou shouldst venture to the local knocking shop, Sir James, the Flintlock and Doublet Strap, thou is bound to pick up a dose, 'tis 'men only' night tonight. Now please excuse me Sir James, I doth tarry too long. Puss Feller?
Sir James: More of a boobs man, actually, but any port in a storm.
Quarrel, to Puss Feller: Sir James and I need privacy, canst thou assist?
As Sir James and Quarrel move to a sheltered spot, Puss Feller wraps his arms around Sir James from behind and holds him tight. Quarrel produces a dagger from his hose and waves it threateningly under Naught Naught Seven's nose.
Quarrel: 'Tis no use struggling Sir James, Puss Feller wrestles alligators.
Sir James: Quite the grip he hast on me, the like of which I was not expecting until closing time at the Flintlock and Doublet Strap this eve...
At that, Sir James's tireless and deadly training takes over as he kicks the dagger from Quarrel's hand and throws Puss Feller over his shoulder. As the two men scrabble for purchase, Sir James backs away until he feels a hard protrusion in his back.
Sir James: Is this an advance booking for the Flintlock this evening?
Sir Felix: Easy, sire, let us not get excited. Yeoman Quarrel, frisk him.
As Yeoman Quarrel frisks Sir James, Sir Felix notes the concealed musket which the old wizard hath issued to Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Felix: Hast thou come from His Majesty's realm? Thine armour ist Savile Row. My name is Felix, Felix Lighter, or 'two flints' as they hath called me at Virginia. I take it thou art Sir James. Come, let us dine at Puss Feller's tavern and discuss thine problem with Crabs...
They depart
However, I can't help but wonder if using a certain name in there is a Freudian slip or a deliberate joke...?
Oh please no- never enough of those jokes!
I take one night off AJB and something happens, and I don't even know what happened ......