(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks. Even slower than Chriscoop's carriage.
Melina: Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks. Even slower than Chriscoop's carriage.
Melina: Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Tis a lowly carriage! Mine 180 horses may fare better with fodder of fairer quality? Thoust may hasten thy journey upon thine feet per se?
But I beseech thee to behold the fine silver livery akin to sterling of the purest and it bears the moniker of the cross of Saint George and the mythical crown-ed dragon that devoureth that of Man.
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales’ men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be- (Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. )
Sir James: Pardon, I shalt be...?
First Guard: My master said he was going to- (Ye guard ist slain by a second arrow.)
Sir James: What? Will no-one tell me?
Second Guard: Look at yon deadly shaft!
Sir James: Why, I thank’ee, my good man, many have admired it. (Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, apace. (Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah... (They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks, even slower than ye carriage of Chriscoop.
Chriscoop: (Off.) 'Tis a lowly carriage! Mine 180 horses may fare better with fodder of fairer quality? Thou may hasten thy journey upon thine feet per se? But I beseech thee to behold the fine silver livery akin to sterling of the purest and it bears the moniker of the cross of Saint George and the mythical crown-ed dragon that devoureth that of Man.
Melina: Pay no heed! Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James: (Raises eyebrow as only he can.) T'would be mine pleasure. (Before being struck, ye ass speeds up.)
Sir James: He be'eth a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: After dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
Any ideas on tarting up this scene? It's very basic, and not funny!
Act 5, Scene 1. A foreign place of sport.
Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea. (He notices she ist slain. Enter Count Scaramanga)
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed the lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: Stake? Wherefore....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave.
Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea.(He notices she ist slain.)
Shot through the heart ? .......
( Enter Count Scaramanga)
Sir James ; ....and you're to blame, you'll give love a bad name !
Count Scaramanga : A most difficult shot, but I am pleased,look'ith upon my score
( a group of pesants hold up score cards )
Sir James : three tens and a nine, ...... impressive.
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed the lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: Stake? Wherefore....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave. It would,st displease my man servant !
( Sir James doth lower his gaze )
Count Scaramanga : Nay , Look'ith behind
Sir James ; I'd rather you t'would keep Thine Manservant away from my Behind !
( Sir James looks to see a short varlet with a dagger )
Nick Nack : This be personal Sir James, earlier thee did push my nephew in to a canal!
( Exit Count Scaramanga )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 2. (Sir James and Baby Doll doth walk through through ye snow.)
Baby Doll: I love it here, the snow be'ith so white.
Sir James: Aye Better that the yellow kind favoured by Sir Hoyte van Hoytema
Baby Doll: I thank’ee, Sir James, for escorting me to ye concert. Was Sir Justin not wonderful? (Sir James keeps on walking.) I said, was not Sir Justin ye dreamiest? (Sir James does not reply.) Sir James!!!!
Sir James: Oh, thine pardon I crave. I did forget to take out mine earplugs- I think ‘tis safe now. or is't
Sir Jack white and Lady Alicia Keys performing ?
Baby Doll: Oh, look ye, ‘tis Erich von Kriegler, ye skiing champion of all Prussia! Is he not ye dreamiest?
Sir James:Good body, reminds me of Felix .. er. ...... Fickle thou art, Baby!
Baby Doll: He ist most fit! He does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love. Doesn't claim PPI,
does not understand the off side rule, does not wear horrible green footwear.
Sir James: Hm, what does he do?
Baby Doll: He does like the music of lady Kylie Minogue, musical theatre and east prussian men and the
single transferable vote system, puppies and the poetry of lord William McGonagall .......oh and a little
bit of torturing and killing.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
this may only be a UK thing but PPI ( Payment protection insurance ) was an extra charge the
Banks put on to customers ( who didn't need it ) and the Banks now have to pay back. UK tv
is full of adverts to claim that payment back from the Banks via various firms. they also cold call
people, so it's become a bit of a joke.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Visconte Kristatos: And what wouldst thou have to eat, Sir James? I recommend ye donkey balls, or ye chicken feet perhaps?
Sir James: If thou willst forgive me, I do find that a trifle slimy and scented for mine palate. I wil'st
have the soup in a basket and some Lutefisk
Visconte Kristatos: At yonder table, eating ye stuffed sheep's head, sits Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: And with him, yon most fair lady?
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, ye Contessa Lisl. Not sure about her- from ye colonies, never far from him.
I am thinking sir James, you may have to kill him, he has powerful friends, could you kill a man.?
Sir James : Eventually, but let us watch for a while.
( a waiter comes and changes the monkey holding a candkle on the table and takes it to Visconte
Columbo's office chamber, As he arrives )
Viscounte Columbo : Speak un to me Beast
Monkey : ( monkey gestures with his hands spelling words )
Viscounte Columbo : so, Sir James be interested in my affairs, um what ?
Monkey : again gestures, pointing at his mouth
Viscounet Columbo: Do'ith I look like I be'ith made of Bananas ? They be'ith hard to get
since Mr Romalez Banana emporium closed suspiciously here have some Pistachios.
( Sir James watches as Viscounte Columbo returns to his Contessa, and they begin to
argue )
Contessa Lisl: Thou art a disgusting man! Do not talk to me like that!
Visconte Columbo: To thee I shalt speak any way I doth please. I've bought you a
drink,even some chips and everthing !
(Ye Contessa leaves, pausing briefly to look upon Sir James.)
Sir James: A damsel in distress! My turf, I do believe.
Visconte Kristatos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
Sir James: If thou playest ye odds...
Viscounte Kristatos : Take my carriage .I'll play'ith a little Bingo, send the driver back for me.
(Sir James doth follow ye Contessa.)
Sir James: may I take you home, you look unsettled
Contessa Lisl : Oh I Travel a lot,never really settled.why not Thee looks like a Gentleman.
( interior of carriage )
Sir James : My name be;ith Bond, Sir James Bond. Perhaps you could help me, I'm writing a
parchment .....
Countess Lisl : Oh I know many positions and ways to ...
Sir James, Nay it be a parchment about , smugglers and Pirates ?
Countess Lisl :Oh I know now't of Pirated parchments.
Sir James : how about Smugglers ?
Countess Lisl: Oh there was a huge trade in Budgie Smugglers a while back but not much now
that's my villa there .
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
this may only be a UK thing but PPI ( Payment protection insurance ) was an extra charge the
Banks put on to customers ( who didn't need it ) and the Banks now have to pay back. UK tv
is full of adverts to claim that payment back from the Banks via various firms. they also cold call
people, so it's become a bit of a joke.
Thank. I bet our banks have/had the same thing, but under an other name.
That's those scenes inserted, thanks! If you fancy doing another....?
Act 4, Scene 2. An eating place.
(The Phuyuck scene, followed by)
(Ye chambers of Sir James.)
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been. (Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James. You be'ith just so much Man !
Sir James: T'is true, many have said so but Tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been.
(Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Sir James: Fancy meeting you here, Lady Andrea.
Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. As his duty is only performed once or twice
A year, I'm not getting as much as you'd think .
Sir James: His duty is that of assassin I fancy.
Lady Andrea: ah!, Thee fancy him too, understandable as he keeps a likeness of you
Sir James: for what intent ?
Lady Andrea: He thinks you have an equal skill as his own I've oft times felt his ardor.
Sir James: ( raising an eyebrow ) I'm sure you have. So now My ardor is to be felt ?
Lady Andrea: If thy wishes ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow, and am not unattractive.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
( They embrace as Sir James extinguishers a candle ..... Later Sir James awakes Good Knight )
Sir James: arise Good Knight.
Good Knight : How long be'ith I in hidding
Sir James: given foreplay and my very best act of love, I'd guess at at least ten or fifteen minutes.
But be of Good Heart Good Knight, as thine time will come'ist.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( A tavern where local maids dance, Sir James enters to meet the lady Good Knight )
Sir James : I apologise for being late Good Knight, these water "Bourne" carriages can
really "Screw" with you.
( A waiter approches with wine )
Sir James: PhuYuck !
Waiter : 74 percent proof. Made by the Monks of Phuyuck abbey, it's a tonic wine Their
sister abbey make'ith Buckfast.
Sir James : Doth thee Monks drink it ?
Waiter: Sadly most of the monks are now Blind, with shaking hands and little in hand to
eye coordination, ............... so Yes, they do drink it, ....... lots of it !
Sir James: Then I approve, pour two tankards. That beith a beautiful Frock Good Knight.
Good Knight : This old thing, is standard equipment, But I added all my own touches.
Sir James : go on
Good Knight : I had a local tailor, add the shoulder pads, with Gold Aiguillete with little
models of the fleet flagship, and tasteful Embroidery of the sailors ravishing local maids
in a stem stich to keep the nautical theme and finished off with this hat featuring a brace
of pigeons in a gilded cage.
Sir James: I think all eyes must be on you right now
Good Knight : Because of my dress Sir James ?
Sir James: Nay, you still have some lavy paper on the heel of your shoe. Be those pigeons
purley decrative ?
Good Knight : Nay, the Old wizard had two homing pigeons reside within.
Sir James : momentoque temporis futuri huic
Good Night : Sorry, I don't speak Spanish
Sir James : To this moment and the one yet to come. We work for our country but
seldom have time for ourselves, so why not tonight, do we spend'ith it together
to give us at least a Quantum of Solace ?
Good Knight : That be'ith a tempting offer Sir James but Tonight I think You'll beith
the ..... "One Yet to come " ...... goodnight.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Please feel free to add or change any of my attempts at being Tom Mankiewicz )
on TMWTGG, it only occured to me tonight ( Rewatching for research ) that on
returning to Scaramanga after her time with Bond. Andrea says " It was a double feature ".
So that's how she goes dressed to watch a movie
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Not going to change a thing, apart from the usual editing! Would you like to pick a scene to improve? Or perhaps write one of the missing ones from scratch? I'm thinking about the bit where Sir James meets Hai Fat and Chew Mee, lots of scope for puns and jokes there!
Perhaps Chew Mee has a sister, Chew Yu? (Pinched from
which was pinched from this scene in the first place! ) ) And Hai Fat has a partner, Lo Fat (actually considered in the early stages!)?
( A walled Garden, a figure approches, T'is Sir James ..... )
Sir James : So much Topiary By George, Bush everywhere.
( a maiden swims in a near by pool )
Maiden : Hello fair Knight
Sir James: you'll find Maid, that I can be an exceptional knight, and how be'ith you known
maiden ?
Chew Mee : Chew Mee, I be'ith the Gardner
Sir James: Chew Yu ?
Chew Mee : Nay that be'ith my sister she helps keep my bush in order
Sir James : I hath been admiring the Bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest
in many Lady Gardens.
( Chew Yu enters with garden tool ... )
Chu Yu : I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian Bush, it now be'ith as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee : Good, the master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu : Good Sir, Have you any use for a well used hoe ?
( Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience !)
Sir James : I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
( From off stage a voice calls ) " Who are you, why are you here ?"
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Oh yes! (The eyebrow is perfect!) Let me work on that a few moments....
Edit:
(A walled Garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)
Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere. (A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Hmm... I do have a few special services for thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens. (Chew Yu enters with garden tool...)
Chu Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe? (Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here? (A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you, stranger. What ist thy business here? (Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two!
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now! (Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
(A walled Garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)
Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere. (A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Gardner, eh...?
Sir James: Hmm... I do have a few special services for thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens. (Chew Yu enters with garden tool...)
Chu Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe? (Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here? (A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you also, stranger. What ist thy business here? (Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two! (Chew Yu and Chew Mee titter.)
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now! And take thine hairy tobacco chewing sister with you.
Chew Mee: Aye, master. Come, Chew Bacca.
Chew Bacca: Bwaarargh!
Chew Yu: Boy, you said it, Chewie. (Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that!
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more. (Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected. (Sir James walks through ye garden.)
Hai Fat: Phew Yuck, that be awful, thy hast ....
Sir James : three nip.....
Hai Fat: Nay, such a hairy chest, yuck! Three nipples I can live with.
Sir James: I once said Bird never make nest in bare tree.
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that! And I can use the disabled carriage parking.
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Only my younger brother
Lo fat or my mother Polly Unsaturate visit me, I guard my privacy.
Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond
Hai Fat: This be'ith my mausoleum, which I will be laid in, when the Chew Mee finishes
Gardening, this be'ilth my office which I'll get laid in with Chew Yu after cleaning her
Tools, so A useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I don't intend to let Sir James
Bond Shorten it.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gate keeper: I'll just check the list, um ..... ok........
( Guard looks at Sir James's footwear )
.... no trainers, especially green ones, so... you're OK, go in .just keep
This wrist band on. It gets you one free mead.
(Sir James walks through ye garden............. )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Hai Fat: Phew Yuck, that be awful, thou hast ....
Sir James: Three nip...
Hai Fat: Nay, such a hairy chest, yuck! Three nipples I can live with.
Sir James: I once said “bird never make nest in bare tree”.
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that! And I can use the disabled carriage parking.
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Only my younger brother Lo Fat or my mother Polly Unsaturate visit me, I guard my privacy. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more. (Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga reading a list of local bloodbanks.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: This be'eth mine mausoleum in which I will be laid, when Chew Mee finishes gardening. This be'eth mine office in which I shalt get laid with Chew Yu after cleaning her tools. So a useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I do not intend to let Sir James Bond shorten it.
(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gatekeeper: I shalt just check the list.... um..... ok........ (Ye guard looks at Sir James's footwear and reads from ye list.) .... “no trainers, especially green ones”.... so... you're OK, go in. Just keep this wristband on- it gets you one free mead. (Sir James walks through ye garden and ist knocked unconscious by Jeff Geff, disguised as a statue.)
Hai Fat: Do not slay him here- take Sir James to school..............
Comments
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks. Even slower than Chriscoop's carriage.
Melina: Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
But I beseech thee to behold the fine silver livery akin to sterling of the purest and it bears the moniker of the cross of Saint George and the mythical crown-ed dragon that devoureth that of Man.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. )
Sir James: Pardon, I shalt be...?
First Guard: My master said he was going to-
(Ye guard ist slain by a second arrow.)
Sir James: What? Will no-one tell me?
Second Guard: Look at yon deadly shaft!
Sir James: Why, I thank’ee, my good man, many have admired it.
(Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, apace.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks, even slower than ye carriage of Chriscoop.
Chriscoop: (Off.) 'Tis a lowly carriage! Mine 180 horses may fare better with fodder of fairer quality? Thou may hasten thy journey upon thine feet per se? But I beseech thee to behold the fine silver livery akin to sterling of the purest and it bears the moniker of the cross of Saint George and the mythical crown-ed dragon that devoureth that of Man.
Melina: Pay no heed! Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James: (Raises eyebrow as only he can.) T'would be mine pleasure.
(Before being struck, ye ass speeds up.)
Sir James: He be'eth a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: After dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
Act 5, Scene 1. A foreign place of sport.
Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea. (He notices she ist slain. Enter Count Scaramanga)
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed the lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: Stake? Wherefore....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave.
Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea.(He notices she ist slain.)
Shot through the heart ? .......
( Enter Count Scaramanga)
Sir James ; ....and you're to blame, you'll give love a bad name !
Count Scaramanga : A most difficult shot, but I am pleased,look'ith upon my score
( a group of pesants hold up score cards )
Sir James : three tens and a nine, ...... impressive.
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed the lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: Stake? Wherefore....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave. It would,st displease my man servant !
( Sir James doth lower his gaze )
Count Scaramanga : Nay , Look'ith behind
Sir James ; I'd rather you t'would keep Thine Manservant away from my Behind !
( Sir James looks to see a short varlet with a dagger )
Nick Nack : This be personal Sir James, earlier thee did push my nephew in to a canal!
( Exit Count Scaramanga )
Baby Doll: I love it here, the snow be'ith so white.
Sir James: Aye Better that the yellow kind favoured by Sir Hoyte van Hoytema
Baby Doll: I thank’ee, Sir James, for escorting me to ye concert. Was Sir Justin not wonderful? (Sir James keeps on walking.) I said, was not Sir Justin ye dreamiest? (Sir James does not reply.) Sir James!!!!
Sir James: Oh, thine pardon I crave. I did forget to take out mine earplugs- I think ‘tis safe now. or is't
Sir Jack white and Lady Alicia Keys performing ?
Baby Doll: Oh, look ye, ‘tis Erich von Kriegler, ye skiing champion of all Prussia! Is he not ye dreamiest?
Sir James:Good body, reminds me of Felix .. er. ...... Fickle thou art, Baby!
Baby Doll: He ist most fit! He does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love. Doesn't claim PPI,
does not understand the off side rule, does not wear horrible green footwear.
Sir James: Hm, what does he do?
Baby Doll: He does like the music of lady Kylie Minogue, musical theatre and east prussian men and the
single transferable vote system, puppies and the poetry of lord William McGonagall .......oh and a little
bit of torturing and killing.
Banks put on to customers ( who didn't need it ) and the Banks now have to pay back. UK tv
is full of adverts to claim that payment back from the Banks via various firms. they also cold call
people, so it's become a bit of a joke.
Visconte Kristatos: And what wouldst thou have to eat, Sir James? I recommend ye donkey balls, or ye chicken feet perhaps?
Sir James: If thou willst forgive me, I do find that a trifle slimy and scented for mine palate. I wil'st
have the soup in a basket and some Lutefisk
Visconte Kristatos: At yonder table, eating ye stuffed sheep's head, sits Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: And with him, yon most fair lady?
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, ye Contessa Lisl. Not sure about her- from ye colonies, never far from him.
I am thinking sir James, you may have to kill him, he has powerful friends, could you kill a man.?
Sir James : Eventually, but let us watch for a while.
( a waiter comes and changes the monkey holding a candkle on the table and takes it to Visconte
Columbo's office chamber, As he arrives )
Viscounte Columbo : Speak un to me Beast
Monkey : ( monkey gestures with his hands spelling words )
Viscounte Columbo : so, Sir James be interested in my affairs, um what ?
Monkey : again gestures, pointing at his mouth
Viscounet Columbo: Do'ith I look like I be'ith made of Bananas ? They be'ith hard to get
since Mr Romalez Banana emporium closed suspiciously here have some Pistachios.
( Sir James watches as Viscounte Columbo returns to his Contessa, and they begin to
argue )
Contessa Lisl: Thou art a disgusting man! Do not talk to me like that!
Visconte Columbo: To thee I shalt speak any way I doth please. I've bought you a
drink,even some chips and everthing !
(Ye Contessa leaves, pausing briefly to look upon Sir James.)
Sir James: A damsel in distress! My turf, I do believe.
Visconte Kristatos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
Sir James: If thou playest ye odds...
Viscounte Kristatos : Take my carriage .I'll play'ith a little Bingo, send the driver back for me.
(Sir James doth follow ye Contessa.)
Sir James: may I take you home, you look unsettled
Contessa Lisl : Oh I Travel a lot,never really settled.why not Thee looks like a Gentleman.
( interior of carriage )
Sir James : My name be;ith Bond, Sir James Bond. Perhaps you could help me, I'm writing a
parchment .....
Countess Lisl : Oh I know many positions and ways to ...
Sir James, Nay it be a parchment about , smugglers and Pirates ?
Countess Lisl :Oh I know now't of Pirated parchments.
Sir James : how about Smugglers ?
Countess Lisl: Oh there was a huge trade in Budgie Smugglers a while back but not much now
that's my villa there .
Thank. I bet our banks have/had the same thing, but under an other name.
You've been busy, Pussy!
Act 4, Scene 2. An eating place.
(The Phuyuck scene, followed by)
(Ye chambers of Sir James.)
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been.
(Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
There's a line to that effect when Gonzales captures Sir James, adapted from the similar line he says in the film.
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James. You be'ith just so much Man !
Sir James: T'is true, many have said so but Tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been.
(Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Sir James: Fancy meeting you here, Lady Andrea.
Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. As his duty is only performed once or twice
A year, I'm not getting as much as you'd think .
Sir James: His duty is that of assassin I fancy.
Lady Andrea: ah!, Thee fancy him too, understandable as he keeps a likeness of you
Sir James: for what intent ?
Lady Andrea: He thinks you have an equal skill as his own I've oft times felt his ardor.
Sir James: ( raising an eyebrow ) I'm sure you have. So now My ardor is to be felt ?
Lady Andrea: If thy wishes ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow, and am not unattractive.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
( They embrace as Sir James extinguishers a candle ..... Later Sir James awakes Good Knight )
Sir James: arise Good Knight.
Good Knight : How long be'ith I in hidding
Sir James: given foreplay and my very best act of love, I'd guess at at least ten or fifteen minutes.
But be of Good Heart Good Knight, as thine time will come'ist.
Would you like to try the scene just prior to that, as Sir James and Good Knight have dinner & Phuyuck, and she spurns his advances?
Sir James : I apologise for being late Good Knight, these water "Bourne" carriages can
really "Screw" with you.
( A waiter approches with wine )
Sir James: PhuYuck !
Waiter : 74 percent proof. Made by the Monks of Phuyuck abbey, it's a tonic wine Their
sister abbey make'ith Buckfast.
Sir James : Doth thee Monks drink it ?
Waiter: Sadly most of the monks are now Blind, with shaking hands and little in hand to
eye coordination, ............... so Yes, they do drink it, ....... lots of it !
Sir James: Then I approve, pour two tankards. That beith a beautiful Frock Good Knight.
Good Knight : This old thing, is standard equipment, But I added all my own touches.
Sir James : go on
Good Knight : I had a local tailor, add the shoulder pads, with Gold Aiguillete with little
models of the fleet flagship, and tasteful Embroidery of the sailors ravishing local maids
in a stem stich to keep the nautical theme and finished off with this hat featuring a brace
of pigeons in a gilded cage.
Sir James: I think all eyes must be on you right now
Good Knight : Because of my dress Sir James ?
Sir James: Nay, you still have some lavy paper on the heel of your shoe. Be those pigeons
purley decrative ?
Good Knight : Nay, the Old wizard had two homing pigeons reside within.
Sir James : momentoque temporis futuri huic
Good Night : Sorry, I don't speak Spanish
Sir James : To this moment and the one yet to come. We work for our country but
seldom have time for ourselves, so why not tonight, do we spend'ith it together
to give us at least a Quantum of Solace ?
Good Knight : That be'ith a tempting offer Sir James but Tonight I think You'll beith
the ..... "One Yet to come " ...... goodnight.
on TMWTGG, it only occured to me tonight ( Rewatching for research ) that on
returning to Scaramanga after her time with Bond. Andrea says " It was a double feature ".
So that's how she goes dressed to watch a movie
Not going to change a thing, apart from the usual editing! Would you like to pick a scene to improve? Or perhaps write one of the missing ones from scratch? I'm thinking about the bit where Sir James meets Hai Fat and Chew Mee, lots of scope for puns and jokes there!
Perhaps Chew Mee has a sister, Chew Yu? (Pinched from
which was pinched from this scene in the first place!
( A walled Garden, a figure approches, T'is Sir James ..... )
Sir James : So much Topiary By George, Bush everywhere.
( a maiden swims in a near by pool )
Maiden : Hello fair Knight
Sir James: you'll find Maid, that I can be an exceptional knight, and how be'ith you known
maiden ?
Chew Mee : Chew Mee, I be'ith the Gardner
Sir James: Chew Yu ?
Chew Mee : Nay that be'ith my sister she helps keep my bush in order
Sir James : I hath been admiring the Bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest
in many Lady Gardens.
( Chew Yu enters with garden tool ... )
Chu Yu : I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian Bush, it now be'ith as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee : Good, the master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu : Good Sir, Have you any use for a well used hoe ?
( Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience !)
Sir James : I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
( From off stage a voice calls ) " Who are you, why are you here ?"
Edit:
(A walled Garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)
Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere.
(A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Hmm... I do have a few special services for thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens.
(Chew Yu enters with garden tool...)
Chu Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe?
(Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here?
(A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you, stranger. What ist thy business here?
(Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two!
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now!
(Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
and "Chew bacca ?"
"Take that hairy tobacco chewing sister with you too "
" Come Chew Bacca"
(A walled Garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)
Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere.
(A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Gardner, eh...?
Sir James: Hmm... I do have a few special services for thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens.
(Chew Yu enters with garden tool...)
Chu Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chu Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe?
(Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here?
(A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you also, stranger. What ist thy business here?
(Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two!
(Chew Yu and Chew Mee titter.)
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now! And take thine hairy tobacco chewing sister with you.
Chew Mee: Aye, master. Come, Chew Bacca.
Chew Bacca: Bwaarargh!
Chew Yu: Boy, you said it, Chewie.
(Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that!
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
(Sir James walks through ye garden.)
Hai Fat: Phew Yuck, that be awful, thy hast ....
Sir James : three nip.....
Hai Fat: Nay, such a hairy chest, yuck! Three nipples I can live with.
Sir James: I once said Bird never make nest in bare tree.
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that! And I can use the disabled carriage parking.
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Only my younger brother
Lo fat or my mother Polly Unsaturate visit me, I guard my privacy.
Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond
Hai Fat: This be'ith my mausoleum, which I will be laid in, when the Chew Mee finishes
Gardening, this be'ilth my office which I'll get laid in with Chew Yu after cleaning her
Tools, so A useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I don't intend to let Sir James
Bond Shorten it.
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gate keeper: I'll just check the list, um ..... ok........
( Guard looks at Sir James's footwear )
.... no trainers, especially green ones, so... you're OK, go in .just keep
This wrist band on. It gets you one free mead.
(Sir James walks through ye garden............. )
Sir James: Three nip...
Hai Fat: Nay, such a hairy chest, yuck! Three nipples I can live with.
Sir James: I once said “bird never make nest in bare tree”.
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that! And I can use the disabled carriage parking.
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Only my younger brother Lo Fat or my mother Polly Unsaturate visit me, I guard my privacy. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn you of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga reading a list of local bloodbanks.)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: This be'eth mine mausoleum in which I will be laid, when Chew Mee finishes gardening. This be'eth mine office in which I shalt get laid with Chew Yu after cleaning her tools. So a useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I do not intend to let Sir James Bond shorten it.
(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gatekeeper: I shalt just check the list.... um..... ok........ (Ye guard looks at Sir James's footwear and reads from ye list.) .... “no trainers, especially green ones”.... so... you're OK, go in. Just keep this wristband on- it gets you one free mead.
(Sir James walks through ye garden and ist knocked unconscious by Jeff Geff, disguised as a statue.)
Hai Fat: Do not slay him here- take Sir James to school..............