TP, that's great- a whole funny scene which wasn't there yesterday! Could we backtrack here to this scene?
Act 3, Scene 1. (A boudoir.)
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass.
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
There's a lot more could be done with this, ending with the "Bottoms Up" opportunity for jokes!
Btw, this isn't a private club- if anyone has any jokes, puns, one-liners etc please post them and we'll work them in.
Act 3, Scene 1. (A boudoir. A maid finishes her ablutions )
Sir James : Take care M'Lady, Bathrooms can be a dangerous place, just as Lord Pistorius !
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass, hates garlic and doesn't like the sun
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: On Reflection, ... Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: Legs ? most odd
Lady Andrea: nay, oval in shape
Sir James : Eyes ? ... explains his dislike of the sun and his markmanship.
Lady Andrea : Nay, He hath three ( Points to her bosom )
Sir James; He doth wear a pair of comedy devil's dumplings ?
Lady Andrea : Oh, Hell's breath, He hath three Nipples !!!
Sir James: Desist Thy bawdy tavern language, I be'ith a Gentleman .... ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
Though usless unless Scaramanga is a disrobing Tavern wench, ...... He's not is he ?.. when
he's not assassinating people ?... for a bit of money on the side ?
Lady Andrea : Nay, That time was just a one off, he'd been drinking and many didn't like
the the whole three nipples thing ........... But I know he has a liaison at a club this eve.
Sir James : Which one ?
Lady Andrea : It's opposite the Nikon sketch parchment workshop. Used to be a Teeth Whitening apothecary called " Cheeks Apart " but now be'ith a place of revelry known as Thee Arse Rise,.... ... or, Sorry It be Thee Bottoms Up Club.
Sir James : Does it take New Members ?
Lady Andrea : There's an entrance at the Back , It's a bit tight but They should be able
to fit you in.
Sir James : Then I too shall be in attendance, Now let us drink of this fine mead !
Lady Andrea: Bottoms up
Sir James : I thought you'd never ask.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
fighting master : Fist rule of Fight school ?
Student : We don't talk of Fight school !
( an arrow flies straight killing the student )
Fighting master : Look well, that's how serious we are about that rule...... that
and always washing your feet before lessons.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 1. (A boudoir. A maid finishes her ablutions )
Sir James : Take care M'Lady, Bathrooms can be a dangerous place, just as Lord Pistorius !
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass, hates garlic and doesn't like the sun
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: On Reflection, ... Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: Legs ? most odd
Lady Andrea: nay, oval in shape
Sir James : Eyes ? ... explains his dislike of the sun and his markmanship.
Lady Andrea : Nay, He hath three ( Points to her bosom )
Sir James; He doth wear a pair of comedy devil's dumplings ?
Lady Andrea : Oh, Hell's breath, He hath three Nipples !!!
Sir James: Desist Thy bawdy tavern language, I be'ith a Gentleman .... ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
Though usless unless Scaramanga is a disrobing Tavern wench, ...... He's not is he ?.. when
he's not assassinating people ?... for a bit of money on the side ?
Lady Andrea : Nay, That time was just a one off, he'd been drinking and many didn't like
the the whole three nipples thing ........... But I know he has a liaison at a club this eve.
Sir James : Which one ?
Lady Andrea : It's opposite the Nikon sketch parchment workshop. Used to be a Teeth Whitening apothecary called " Cheeks Apart " but now be'ith a place of revelry known as Thee Arse Rise,.... ... or, Sorry It be Thee Bottoms Up Club.
Sir James : Does it take New Members ?
Lady Andrea : There's an entrance at the Back , It's a bit tight but They should be able
to fit you in.
Sir James : Then I too shall be in attendance, Now let us drink of this fine mead !
Lady Andrea: Bottoms up
Sir James : I thought you'd never ask.
Very funny! But is it supposed to be "just as Lord Petorius" or just ASK Lord Petorius"?
(Outside ye Bottoms Up Club. Sir James skulks in ye shadows.)
Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon and not be'eth a
fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'eth he was more a night person (Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure assails one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him. )
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword! (Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword as two constables approach.)
Sir James: If thou willst take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. Hey, you, cease forthwith! (Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Look ye upon mine credentials, I be a lieutenant with ye local constabulary.
Sir James: And a very hip one, too.
Hip: Thou shalt come with us forthwith- mount the Constabulary carriage. (They exit.)
(Ye hip lieutenant and his men lead Sir James to a harbour.)
Hip: Here we are. Jump into ye water, Sir James!
Sir James: What? Art thou going to drown me?
Hip: Jump! (Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James: (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way! (Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now! (Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)
(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see. (A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
(Outside ye Bottoms Up Club. Sir James skulks in ye shadows.)
Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon, and not be'ith a
fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'ith he was more a night person.
(Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure assails one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him. )
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword!
(Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword.)
Sir James: If thou will take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. hey, you, cease forthwith!
(Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Mount the Constabulary carriage.
( They exit )
I only added one little line, as I don't think there's much comedy in this scene ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Ye hip lieutenant and his men lead Sir James to a harbour.)
Hip: Here we are. Jump down, Sir James!
Sir James: What? T'is not a Boat there !
Hip: Jump!
Sir James : Art thou going to drown me? I hath see not your credentials?
Hip : Soon, now JUMP DOWN !
(Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James: (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way!
Sir James : Nay, I prefer the Breast stoke !
(Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now!
(Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)
(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see.
(A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James : A new slant on a certain creek without a paddle Sir ? Bit of a moisture problem, I'd suggest !
Sir Miles : Keeps ye fit Naught, Naught, Seven.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir James : There be'ith one chance sire. Whom ever paid Scaramanga must be able to
afford the £100 fee for his services ? If we could arrange a meeting, to see what occurs.
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I thank ye, have it sent to my boarding house. At least we now hath a
plan of action and be'ith No longer just treading water ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Jeff Geff: Thou must in here tarry for my master thy gold to earn. Only half dost thou receive henceforth.
Varlet: Most assuredly. I would'st hate to be Short changed, or recieve a
Short Fall in mine payment !
Jeff Geff : My Master will arrive in Short Order.
(Enter Count Scaramanga singing https://youtu.be/T9MuEA2eF8c )
Varlet: Thine doom prepare to meet, Count Scaramanga.
Count Scaramanga: Oh? Perchance thou dost carry a crucifix?
Varlet: A crucifix? and what's that Wicker man outside for ?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
(The varlet is slain.)
Jeff Geff : He was the best, so far !
Count Scaramanga : Yes, But still not as good as Me ! I be'ith the Best of the Best !
Jeff Geff : What about that British Knight, you have drawings, etchings, parchments
of his adventures, You joined that postal Forum " Absolutely Sir James Bond " sending
letters off every month, keeping sticker albums ....... is he not as Good ?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, He be an Amateur, I be'ith a Professional. If he were ever
to face me, with Nothing but the Night, to hide in He'd Scream and Scream Again,
( He turns quickly shooting an arrow in to a likness of Sir James Bond )
Jeff Geff : AAAAHHHHH !!!! That be'ith a collectable sire !!!
Count Scaramanga : Fear not, t'was out of its Box, and I hath another in Mint condition !
Thought I'd try and lengthen the PTS, with a few Christopher lee films
The Wicker Man, Nothing but the Night and Scream and Scream again.
Perhaps set up Scaramanga as an almost teenage obsessed fan of Sir James ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Absolutely, it works just fine! Great choice of film clip & song! {[] {[] {[]
(I slipped another couple of Lee film titles in before adding it to the thread)
This scene
must have a lot of scope for wordplay!
Act 2, Scene 2.(An exotic drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Beirut Town" as a belly dancer entertains. Sir James watches ye lady while a fat man sitting behind watches him.)
Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation. (Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Act 2, Scene 2. (An exotic drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Beirut Town" as a belly dancer entertains. Sir James watches ye lady while a fat man sitting behind watches him.)
Sir James : You dance magnificently
Dancer : Thank Yee kindly good sir. My Dance of the seven veils, usually goes down much better, there be'ith much clapping
When veils one to six came off, but silence with number seven ?
Sir James: A complement, fair maid, as't is hard to Applaud with but one hand free.
Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation.
(Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond and you speak'ith truly, I be'ith gorgeous ! .... . Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Saida: may a bell that name doth not ring !
Sir James: you were Lovers, making the beast with two backs ?
Saida : oh that Bill ! Yes that was a terrible night !
Sir James: he was assassinated ?
Sizes : Not just that, the meal wasn't great and the mead wasn't the best quality. The show we watched was quite
Lack luster, and I broke a nail !
Sir James: you poor thing, the yeomen found no evidence of any gilded arrow
Saida : I took the arrow head as a souvenir , it's only little . Now I never dance with out it. I call'ith it my little head !
Sir James : That's a charm Saida would've thee give me a little head ?
Saida : I usually only do'ith that after the show !
Sir James: later perhaps but , I wish your lucky charm
Saida: ( in an Irish accent ) They all be after me lucky charms !
Sir James: a little culturally insensitive, but funny non the less.
( Sir James, moves lower to Saida's abdomen, to closer spy the arrow head ......... When suddenly the fat man and other
Varlets enter, attacking Sir James. A fight ensues with Sir James being victorious, but having swallowed the arrow head )
Sir James: T'would seem thy Fan Club is Jealous.
Saida : Oh No, I've lost my Head !
Sir James, : Well not being British, you foreigners do tend to be quite excitable. As says Lord Farage of Brexit !
( Sir James doth exit ........ Entering on an alleyway and calling a carriage )
Driver : A local bawdy tavern ?
Sir James : Nay, Carriage Driver, the nearest apothecary
Driver: Ah, thee has already been to a bawdy tavern !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Earlier you started the kung-fu fight scene, I've added a bit more:
Act 4, Scene 1.(Sir James lies asleep, being softly washed by beauteous maidens.)
Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful... 'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see... (Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school! (An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons. (A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...? (Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or maybe ballet lessons? (One of ye students emerges to face Sir James.)
Act 4, Scene 1. (Sir James lies asleep, being softly washed by beauteous maidens.)
Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful... 'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see...
(Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school!
(An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons.
(A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...?
(Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or perhaps ballet lessons?
Master : Tula .
(One of ye students emerges to face Sir James. A beautiful woman .... )
Master : Apologies, wrong Tula, ( another student steps forward )
Tula: So sorry my English not good, but it is tradition to "dis" each other before fighting . So ...
Britain has terrible food, too many jokes about bodily functions and a weak manufacturing infrastructure.
Sir James: Bit harsh, .. How very dare you sir ! British cuisine it the talk of the world , and bodily function jokes, IS our
Culture !
Tula: if thee had a foster Brother, he'd be an evil genius, who T'would not wear stockings on his feet !
Sir James: Thy go too far sir, .... Have at you !
Tula : now no more insults, t'is time to lick your ass !
Sir James, Kick, it's kick mine ass .
Tula,: You soon find out, I fight dirty !
Master : play the traditional fight school music https://youtu.be/jhUkGIsKvn0
( Tula and Sir James do battle until Sir James looks defeated ..... )
Sir James : aside " I must not lose, I shall deploy my most deadly move
( Sir James doth lick his finger and stick it in Tula's ear !)
Tula: ah ! That be'ith disgusting, not cool ( releases Sir James, to wipe his ear )
(" With one mighty bound " sir James, crashes through a window to freedom )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(...Sir James crashes through a window to freedom, landing by one of ye staggering coincidences with which he is familiar in front of a carriage driven by ye hip lieutenant. In back of yon carriage sit two young maidens.)
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places. But no matter, look ye over there! (From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens. (With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them and assail the crowd of students. Using forearm smashes and head-butts, they doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
(...Sir James crashes through a window to freedom, landing by one of ye staggering coincidences with which he is familiar in front of a carriage driven by ye hip lieutenant. In back of yon carriage sit two young maidens.)
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places.
Hip : Also there be'ith a sign for todays Fight " Sir James Bond v's Tula 2pm" ....
"Tomorrow Demolition carriage racing .. bring thy kids "
Sir James : But no matter, look ye over there!
(From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens.
(With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them. To begin ferociously
attacking Using forearm smashes and head-butts, they doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
Sir James : Ah !, for a moment I thought they might be Extreme feminists
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Ye Fighting Master emerges from ye school, with a bunch of older, more experienced students.)
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage! (He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!! (Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars! (From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
(Ye Fighting Master emerges from ye school, with a bunch of older, more experienced students.)
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage! The girls hath seen a shoe sale ! and I too need to
be away, as I be an Uber carriage driver at night.
(He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!!
(Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars!
(From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
Boy : I be selling this beautiful model of an Elephant a bargin for only 100 baht !
( Sir James looks behind him at the approaching fight students )
Boy : You are a very hansome man, ..... 40 baht !
Sir James : You speak the truth as I am indeed gorgeous. but I need an Oar ?
Boy : My older sister has some reasonable rates and .....
Sir James : Nay an OAR ! , I'd pay 20,000 Baht for one
Boy : Like this one here, under thine seat ? oh .... 20,000 baht !
Sir James : The gods be praised, Sorry sonny, I wilst have to Owe you !
( Sir James, pushes the boy in the water, as he moves at apace .... )
Boy : Bloody Tourists !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Moving with greater speed, Sir James pulls ahead but splashes water on ye tourist, who ist none other than The Sheriff Of Pepper.)
Sheriff: Take care, varlet! If thou wert in mine territory I wouldst have thee arrested.
Sheriff's Wife: Look ye at these wonderful carved elephants, JW, I wouldst have one forthwith.
Sheriff: Nay, 'tis not worth 20,000 baht. (On ye canal, Sir James steers his boat straight through ye middle of the pursuing boat then calmly makes off. Ye Sheriff looks after him thoughtfully...)
Well, that doesn't leave much undone! Any ideas to beef up the ending?
Act 6, Scene 1. (An island.)
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James. Perchance, dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James. Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Count Scaramanga: To a duel I thee challenge, Sir James! (Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.) Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.
Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.
Sir James : A bit off the beaten track ...
Count Scaramanga : Quite, children of the night !
(Sir James turns ........ )
Sir James : SIT !!!!!!
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
The wolves guard mine castle, but can be loud
Sir James : Well we all have our cross to bear.
Count Scaramanga : Cross ? Perchance, dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James. Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me? um ! slightly reminiscent of carriage brake fluid.
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Sir James: (aside) I intend to get you off
Good Knight : Oh, I'll move my chair a little closer Sir James.
Count Scaramanga : Please enjoy the repast Jeff Geff hath prepared for us
...... Blood Pudding, and from our local Bull ring, a brace of roasted Bulls Balls !
Sir James : I hath had this meal before but the Balls were much bigger ?
Count Scaramanga : Ah, but sometimes the Bull wins the fight !
Count Scaramanga: To a duel I thee challenge !
Good Knight : That be'ith not fair, I doubt I would'st be any Match for ......
Count Scaramanga : I was addressing Sir James !
Sir James : a duel is't usually between two gentlemen, ...... So I wilst lower my
standards and Agree !
(Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.)
Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.
Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: I think'ith you wil'st have no fear of " Cometh Not "
( They Embrace )
Sir James : Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I don't know about you, but I've throughly enjoyed this! Would you like to pick the next one to revamp, or perhaps we could return to FYEO which needs some more done?
Holy Man: Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed. (A winged chariot arrives and Sir James doth enter.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven, for thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain. (They struggle.Sir James drops his opponent down a chimney stack.)
Sir James: An eating-place of metal thou shalt not need.
Comments
Act 3, Scene 1. (A boudoir.)
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass.
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
There's a lot more could be done with this, ending with the "Bottoms Up" opportunity for jokes!
Btw, this isn't a private club- if anyone has any jokes, puns, one-liners etc please post them and we'll work them in.
Sir James : Take care M'Lady, Bathrooms can be a dangerous place, just as Lord Pistorius !
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. No reflection doth he cast in a looking-glass, hates garlic and doesn't like the sun
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: On Reflection, ... Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: Legs ? most odd
Lady Andrea: nay, oval in shape
Sir James : Eyes ? ... explains his dislike of the sun and his markmanship.
Lady Andrea : Nay, He hath three ( Points to her bosom )
Sir James; He doth wear a pair of comedy devil's dumplings ?
Lady Andrea : Oh, Hell's breath, He hath three Nipples !!!
Sir James: Desist Thy bawdy tavern language, I be'ith a Gentleman .... ‘Tis a titillating titbit.
Though usless unless Scaramanga is a disrobing Tavern wench, ...... He's not is he ?.. when
he's not assassinating people ?... for a bit of money on the side ?
Lady Andrea : Nay, That time was just a one off, he'd been drinking and many didn't like
the the whole three nipples thing ........... But I know he has a liaison at a club this eve.
Sir James : Which one ?
Lady Andrea : It's opposite the Nikon sketch parchment workshop. Used to be a Teeth Whitening apothecary called " Cheeks Apart " but now be'ith a place of revelry known as Thee Arse Rise,.... ... or, Sorry It be Thee Bottoms Up Club.
Sir James : Does it take New Members ?
Lady Andrea : There's an entrance at the Back , It's a bit tight but They should be able
to fit you in.
Sir James : Then I too shall be in attendance, Now let us drink of this fine mead !
Lady Andrea: Bottoms up
Sir James : I thought you'd never ask.
( Bond awakes at a fighting school .... )
fighting master : Fist rule of Fight school ?
Student : We don't talk of Fight school !
( an arrow flies straight killing the student )
Fighting master : Look well, that's how serious we are about that rule...... that
and always washing your feet before lessons.
Very funny! But is it supposed to be "just as Lord Petorius" or just ASK Lord Petorius"?
"ASK, and ye shall receive Mrs Whistler "
Am just back from exhausting gigs, ferry-hopping, etc, and going for a snooze- will get onto this later! Meantime: Bottoms Up!
Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon and not be'eth a
fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'eth he was more a night person
(Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure assails one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him. )
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword!
(Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword as two constables approach.)
Sir James: If thou willst take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. Hey, you, cease forthwith!
(Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Look ye upon mine credentials, I be a lieutenant with ye local constabulary.
Sir James: And a very hip one, too.
Hip: Thou shalt come with us forthwith- mount the Constabulary carriage.
(They exit.)
(Ye hip lieutenant and his men lead Sir James to a harbour.)
Hip: Here we are. Jump into ye water, Sir James!
Sir James: What? Art thou going to drown me?
Hip: Jump!
(Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James: (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way!
(Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now!
(Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)
(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see.
(A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon, and not be'ith a
fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'ith he was more a night person.
(Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure assails one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him. )
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword!
(Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword.)
Sir James: If thou will take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. hey, you, cease forthwith!
(Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Mount the Constabulary carriage.
( They exit )
I only added one little line, as I don't think there's much comedy in this scene ?
Hip: Here we are. Jump down, Sir James!
Sir James: What? T'is not a Boat there !
Hip: Jump!
Sir James : Art thou going to drown me? I hath see not your credentials?
Hip : Soon, now JUMP DOWN !
(Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James: (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way!
Sir James : Nay, I prefer the Breast stoke !
(Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now!
(Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)
(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see.
(A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James : A new slant on a certain creek without a paddle Sir ? Bit of a moisture problem, I'd suggest !
Sir Miles : Keeps ye fit Naught, Naught, Seven.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir James : There be'ith one chance sire. Whom ever paid Scaramanga must be able to
afford the £100 fee for his services ? If we could arrange a meeting, to see what occurs.
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I thank ye, have it sent to my boarding house. At least we now hath a
plan of action and be'ith No longer just treading water ?
Do you want to pick a scene yourself? Or work on an existing one?
Jeff Geff: Thou must in here tarry for my master thy gold to earn. Only half dost thou receive henceforth.
Varlet: Most assuredly. I would'st hate to be Short changed, or recieve a
Short Fall in mine payment !
Jeff Geff : My Master will arrive in Short Order.
(Enter Count Scaramanga singing https://youtu.be/T9MuEA2eF8c )
Varlet: Thine doom prepare to meet, Count Scaramanga.
Count Scaramanga: Oh? Perchance thou dost carry a crucifix?
Varlet: A crucifix? and what's that Wicker man outside for ?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
(The varlet is slain.)
Jeff Geff : He was the best, so far !
Count Scaramanga : Yes, But still not as good as Me ! I be'ith the Best of the Best !
Jeff Geff : What about that British Knight, you have drawings, etchings, parchments
of his adventures, You joined that postal Forum " Absolutely Sir James Bond " sending
letters off every month, keeping sticker albums ....... is he not as Good ?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, He be an Amateur, I be'ith a Professional. If he were ever
to face me, with Nothing but the Night, to hide in He'd Scream and Scream Again,
( He turns quickly shooting an arrow in to a likness of Sir James Bond )
Jeff Geff : AAAAHHHHH !!!! That be'ith a collectable sire !!!
Count Scaramanga : Fear not, t'was out of its Box, and I hath another in Mint condition !
Thought I'd try and lengthen the PTS, with a few Christopher lee films
The Wicker Man, Nothing but the Night and Scream and Scream again.
Perhaps set up Scaramanga as an almost teenage obsessed fan of Sir James ?
(I slipped another couple of Lee film titles in before adding it to the thread)
This scene
must have a lot of scope for wordplay!
Act 2, Scene 2. (An exotic drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Beirut Town" as a belly dancer entertains. Sir James watches ye lady while a fat man sitting behind watches him.)
Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation.
(Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Sir James : You dance magnificently
Dancer : Thank Yee kindly good sir. My Dance of the seven veils, usually goes down much better, there be'ith much clapping
When veils one to six came off, but silence with number seven ?
Sir James: A complement, fair maid, as't is hard to Applaud with but one hand free.
Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation.
(Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond and you speak'ith truly, I be'ith gorgeous ! .... . Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Saida: may a bell that name doth not ring !
Sir James: you were Lovers, making the beast with two backs ?
Saida : oh that Bill ! Yes that was a terrible night !
Sir James: he was assassinated ?
Sizes : Not just that, the meal wasn't great and the mead wasn't the best quality. The show we watched was quite
Lack luster, and I broke a nail !
Sir James: you poor thing, the yeomen found no evidence of any gilded arrow
Saida : I took the arrow head as a souvenir , it's only little . Now I never dance with out it. I call'ith it my little head !
Sir James : That's a charm Saida would've thee give me a little head ?
Saida : I usually only do'ith that after the show !
Sir James: later perhaps but , I wish your lucky charm
Saida: ( in an Irish accent ) They all be after me lucky charms !
Sir James: a little culturally insensitive, but funny non the less.
( Sir James, moves lower to Saida's abdomen, to closer spy the arrow head ......... When suddenly the fat man and other
Varlets enter, attacking Sir James. A fight ensues with Sir James being victorious, but having swallowed the arrow head )
Sir James: T'would seem thy Fan Club is Jealous.
Saida : Oh No, I've lost my Head !
Sir James, : Well not being British, you foreigners do tend to be quite excitable. As says Lord Farage of Brexit !
( Sir James doth exit ........ Entering on an alleyway and calling a carriage )
Driver : A local bawdy tavern ?
Sir James : Nay, Carriage Driver, the nearest apothecary
Driver: Ah, thee has already been to a bawdy tavern !
Earlier you started the kung-fu fight scene, I've added a bit more:
Act 4, Scene 1. (Sir James lies asleep, being softly washed by beauteous maidens.)
Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful... 'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see...
(Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school!
(An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons.
(A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...?
(Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or maybe ballet lessons?
(One of ye students emerges to face Sir James.)
Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful... 'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see...
(Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school!
(An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons.
(A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...?
(Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or perhaps ballet lessons?
Master : Tula .
(One of ye students emerges to face Sir James. A beautiful woman .... )
Master : Apologies, wrong Tula, ( another student steps forward )
Tula: So sorry my English not good, but it is tradition to "dis" each other before fighting . So ...
Britain has terrible food, too many jokes about bodily functions and a weak manufacturing infrastructure.
Sir James: Bit harsh, .. How very dare you sir ! British cuisine it the talk of the world , and bodily function jokes, IS our
Culture !
Tula: if thee had a foster Brother, he'd be an evil genius, who T'would not wear stockings on his feet !
Sir James: Thy go too far sir, .... Have at you !
Tula : now no more insults, t'is time to lick your ass !
Sir James, Kick, it's kick mine ass .
Tula,: You soon find out, I fight dirty !
Master : play the traditional fight school music
https://youtu.be/jhUkGIsKvn0
( Tula and Sir James do battle until Sir James looks defeated ..... )
Sir James : aside " I must not lose, I shall deploy my most deadly move
( Sir James doth lick his finger and stick it in Tula's ear !)
Tula: ah ! That be'ith disgusting, not cool ( releases Sir James, to wipe his ear )
(" With one mighty bound " sir James, crashes through a window to freedom )
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places. But no matter, look ye over there!
(From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens.
(With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them and assail the crowd of students. Using forearm smashes and head-butts, they doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places.
Hip : Also there be'ith a sign for todays Fight " Sir James Bond v's Tula 2pm" ....
"Tomorrow Demolition carriage racing .. bring thy kids "
Sir James : But no matter, look ye over there!
(From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens.
(With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them. To begin ferociously
attacking Using forearm smashes and head-butts, they doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
Sir James : Ah !, for a moment I thought they might be Extreme feminists
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage!
(He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!!
(Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars!
(From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
(The boy will show Sir James the second oar)
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage! The girls hath seen a shoe sale ! and I too need to
be away, as I be an Uber carriage driver at night.
(He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!!
(Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars!
(From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
Boy : I be selling this beautiful model of an Elephant a bargin for only 100 baht !
( Sir James looks behind him at the approaching fight students )
Boy : You are a very hansome man, ..... 40 baht !
Sir James : You speak the truth as I am indeed gorgeous. but I need an Oar ?
Boy : My older sister has some reasonable rates and .....
Sir James : Nay an OAR ! , I'd pay 20,000 Baht for one
Boy : Like this one here, under thine seat ? oh .... 20,000 baht !
Sir James : The gods be praised, Sorry sonny, I wilst have to Owe you !
( Sir James, pushes the boy in the water, as he moves at apace .... )
Boy : Bloody Tourists !
Sheriff: Take care, varlet! If thou wert in mine territory I wouldst have thee arrested.
Sheriff's Wife: Look ye at these wonderful carved elephants, JW, I wouldst have one forthwith.
Sheriff: Nay, 'tis not worth 20,000 baht.
(On ye canal, Sir James steers his boat straight through ye middle of the pursuing boat then calmly makes off. Ye Sheriff looks after him thoughtfully...)
Act 6, Scene 1. (An island.)
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James. Perchance, dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James. Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Count Scaramanga: To a duel I thee challenge, Sir James!
(Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.)
Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.
Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.
The Count Himself, as some wolves begin howling .... )
http://s27.postimg.cc/fi2080x9b/aa_old_man_4.jpg
Sir James : A bit off the beaten track ...
Count Scaramanga : Quite, children of the night !
(Sir James turns ........ )
Sir James : SIT !!!!!!
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
The wolves guard mine castle, but can be loud
Sir James : Well we all have our cross to bear.
Count Scaramanga : Cross ? Perchance, dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James. Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me? um ! slightly reminiscent of carriage brake fluid.
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Sir James: (aside) I intend to get you off
Good Knight : Oh, I'll move my chair a little closer Sir James.
Count Scaramanga : Please enjoy the repast Jeff Geff hath prepared for us
...... Blood Pudding, and from our local Bull ring, a brace of roasted Bulls Balls !
Sir James : I hath had this meal before but the Balls were much bigger ?
Count Scaramanga : Ah, but sometimes the Bull wins the fight !
Count Scaramanga: To a duel I thee challenge !
Good Knight : That be'ith not fair, I doubt I would'st be any Match for ......
Count Scaramanga : I was addressing Sir James !
Sir James : a duel is't usually between two gentlemen, ...... So I wilst lower my
standards and Agree !
(Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.)
Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.
Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: I think'ith you wil'st have no fear of " Cometh Not "
( They Embrace )
Sir James : Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.
Act 1, Scene 1. A graveyard.
Holy Man: Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed.
(A winged chariot arrives and Sir James doth enter.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven, for thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain.
(They struggle.Sir James drops his opponent down a chimney stack.)
Sir James: An eating-place of metal thou shalt not need.