( Sir James doth place a rose on a headstone, a Holy man approaches ..... )
Holy man: Rosa ! Of the family Rosaceae ( In a Scottish accent )
Sir James : Pardon Priest ?
Holy Man : thine Latin for " The name of the rose " I be William of Baskerville
Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed.
Holy man: Then bless you, now I must away and walk my hound.
(A winged chariot arrives and Sir James doth enter. Only to be attacked by a bald varlet )
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven, for thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: have at you knave ! ( They do battle , with Sir James, kicking his cat into his sandwich basket )
Not Blofeld : ( screaming ) Have you no respect for the bread !
Sir James : that be'ith a rye comment.
Not Blofeld : The last thee will hear !
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain.
(They struggle with Sir James getting the upper hand )
Not Blofeld : Please we can do'ith an arrangement, I'll buy you an eating place of metal.
( Sir James manoeuvres the winged chariot, to the near by church steeple , sending Not Blofeld falling
On to the spire ! )
Not Blofeld : Ahhh !!!!!!! I'm skewed !!!
Sir James: One sympathies, An eating-place of metal thou shalt not need. As that should keep thee pinned
Down !
( Below in the Church grounds the Holy man with his hound looks skyward .... )
Holy man : Ah, There is nothing like a challenge to bring out the best in man. Now for a fine
Single malt.
Obviously the holy man is good old Sir Sean , and I thought it might be an idea to keep everything tied in around
A church, hence a steeple instead of a chimney stack ? With the quote about a challenge is from Connery himself.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Yes, that works nicely {[] . In keeping with the church theme, I threw in a line about saintly behaviour and a reference to Connery's co-star in "Rose".
I can't think how to make the spy ship sinking + the Havelocks being killed funny, so went straight to the briefing scene:
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: This bouquet I doth bring thee, fair Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: I thank'ee, Sir James. William of Tanner shall give thee thine charge, since Sir Miles ist enjoying days of leisure.
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Our man Sir Timothy Havelock was sent to investigate, but alack he and his wife have been slain.
Sir James: So, Havelock did not have luck.
William of Tanner: Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this cargo to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
Sir James: But of course.
Act 2, Scene 1. The antechambe of throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: This bouquet I doth bring thee, fair Moneypenny.
Moneypenny : I see'ith these roses hath a Prick or two.
Sir James : Who hasn't M'Lady
( Sir James doth give a schoolboy grin )
Moneypenny: I thank'ee, Sir James. William of Tanner shall give thee thine charge, since Sir Miles ist enjoying days of leisure.
( Sir james enters The Throne room of Sir Miles )
William of Tanner : Ah, there you be Naught, Naught, Seven. What do you think of the
changes, I hath have made to the Throne room by the famous Designer .....
...... Lord Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Sir James : Tis, different.
William of Tanner : He say'th that Zebra prints, throw cushions and Bean Bags are'ith the
In thing this season.
Sir James : and thee, Dancing maid, gyrating on that pole ?
William of Tanner : Oh. that bring'ith the whole room together. Adds a sense of Class, or
so say'ith Lord Stringfellow.
Sir James : Truly the arbiter of good taste ! and doth explain thine attire of Orange
skin and leopard print thong.
Willaim of Tanner : Tis all the rage in court. The Colonies swear by them. In fact even
their leader hath Orange skin.
Sir James : I dare say you could Trump that.
( Sir James sits on a wobbly bean bag as William of Tanner unscrolls a parchment )
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Our man Sir Timothy Havelock was sent to investigate, but alack he and his wife have been slain.
Sir James: So, Havelock did not have luck.
William of Tanner: Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this cargo to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
( with difficultly Sir James manouvers off the bean bag )
Sir James: But of course. No double taking pigeons wilst be seen.
William of Tanner : Good man, on leaving could ye send in the scribe and artist from
the London Times. I'm having my portrait done to replace Sir Miles, and I have to give
an Interview on why I'll be'ith so much better than he at Modern espionage.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
For the ending, there should be a rope-climbing and arrow shooting bit (but I'm no good at those sequences) before this:
Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry! (Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee! (They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll.
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery.in Baby Dolls bed chamber .....
Viscounte Kristatos enters to find her using g a mirror to
Sketch herself ... )
Viscounte Kristatos : stop taking thine selfie I must speak with you.
Baby Doll : impart thine news quickly.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
Viscounte Kristatos : Nay, t'will be a plesant distraction, I fancy.
Baby Doll : I know'ith what thee fancies and you be'ith too ancient for me.
Viscounte Kristatos : Again Nay, mine apothecary hath given me a course of
leeches, swallow two each morning and a little blue pill which will transform
My ardor to that of a Teenager again! In fact I hath just taken One.
Baby Doll : So I've noticed.
Viscounte Kristatos : Thee will obey Me !
Baby Doll : I be'ith off ! with mine posse to the shopping centre, for drinks and
annoyance of the ancient ones. Also Cuba, where do thee expect to find a
skating rink in a tropical Island........... Laters !
(Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee!
(They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Viscounte Colombo : Look Sir James his Codpiece, Rigor mortis hath Begun ?
Sir James : Aye, They have'ith a job getting thine lid on his coffin.
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll..... and These
( Viscounte Colombo pockets some blue pills he's found )
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery. Outside, Sir James dangles from a rope, playing with his shoelaces. Meanwhile, inside....
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby Doll, 'twill be a pleasant distraction, I fancy.
Baby Doll: I know'eth what thee fancies and thou be'eth too ancient for me.
Visconte Kristatos: Again nay, for mine apothecary hath given me a course of leeches- merely swallow two each morning and a little blue pill which will transform mine ardour to that of a teenager again! In fact I hath just taken one.
Baby Doll: (Looks down.) So I've noticed.
Visconte Kristatos: Thou will obey me!
Baby Doll: I be'eth off! With mine posse to the shopping centre, for drinks and annoyance of ye ancient ones. Also Cuba, where dost thee expect to find a skating rink on a tropical island? ....Laters! (Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee, Kristatos! (They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Visconte Colombo: Look ye, Sir James, at his codpiece: Rigor mortis hath begun?
Sir James: Aye, they’ll have'eth a job getting ye lid on his coffin. (Raises eyebrow.)
Visconte Colombo: I see Roger Moortis hast also begun.
Sir James: But of course.
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll..... and these, too. (Visconte Colombo pockets some blue pills he hath found.)
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
Perhaps we could start work on improving this one...?
ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
Act 1, Scene 1. A place of business.
Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin.
Banker: Of this I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: Though here I have three men, also a maid with a cigar? (Sir James overcomes three varlets with ease.)
Sir James: Count again, banker, thine fortunes be reversed.
Banker: Verily, the assassin is... (The Banker ist slain by an unknown assassin. Sir James makes his escape.)
http://s13.postimg.cc/rpiqwu4xv/AA_OLD_MAN_3.jpg
Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James.
As well as't the Swiss cheese and Swiss chocolate she did request.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin.
Although, I wilst take thine cheese and chocolates on pain of death from
Dame Miles.
Banker: Of this assassin I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: The Odds be'ith not on thine side !
Though here I have three men, also a maid with a cigar?
Sir James: That be'ith true, only if thee plays thine odds.
(Sir James overcomes three varlets with ease.)
Sir James: Count again, banker, thine fortunes be reversed.
Banker: Thee must protect me.
Sir James: aye, I shalt.
Banker : Thee must place me in witness protection.
Sir James: aye, this too shalt be done.
Banker : Thee must promise to visit me, for drinks and some of Dame Miles chocolates.
Of perchance heat thine cheese for dipping like'ith at mine last Party ?
Sir James: doth sound a Fun do.
( Sir James stiffens ....... His sinew and doth speak with authority )
Sir James: enough, A name varlet. .......... And No chocolates can I promise.
Verily, the assassin is...
( A horse back fires drowning out the Bankers voice )
Sir James : Pardon ?
Banker : the assassin is .....
( An old lady's crate of tomatoes crashes in the stairway, with much noise )
Sir James : again varlet, the name .
Banker : the assassin ist ......
( A local Band begins to play out side ....... )
Sir James : who ?
Banker : THE ASSASSIN, IS ............
(The Banker ist slain by an unknown assassin. Before expiring doth gesticulate with his arms, at the knife in his back )
Sir James: one word ? Is it a book? ....... Is it by Shakespeare ? Something about a fox ? It involves thumbs ?
Ah ! He hath expired. .......... I must away.
( Sir James recovers the treasure, cheese with chocolates and doth make his escape ... )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Hast thou brought me a gift from thine travels?
Sir James: For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I do bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know.
Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.
King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
Sir James: Mayhap, but I do have a licence to drill... (King Robert ist slain by a maid without a cigar. Sir James gives chase, but to no avail.)
Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Hast thou brought me a gift from thine travels?
Sir James: For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I do bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know. ( And doth toss it away, missing thee rubbish basket )
Sir James : ah close but no cigar. Would'st have better aim, if directed at mine shoulder, perhaps ?
Moneypenny :Thee always have to have a shot. Thou are to enter Dame Miles's throne room with haste
Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.
King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
Sir James: Mayhap, but I do have a licence to drill........ Although perhaps a part time position ? If thee hath got
A decent health plan.......
(Suddenly King Robert ist slain by a maid without a cigar. Sir James gives chase, but to no avail. As the Maid prepares to
Kill herself before Sir James )
Sir James: Halt fair maid, I can protect thee !
Maid : like thee did protect the Swiss Banker ?
Sir James : Anyone can have an off day ...... I'll do better with thee. With thee I'd be'ist all over you.
Maid: I be'ith lost, no one can protect me from Him ! Farewell !
( The maid doth jump to her death ..... As Sir James rubs his wounded shoulder and exits .... )
Sadly, not many jokes in this one
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Agreed, not too much to be done here though you've certainly brightened it up!
Perhaps the next two scenes might offer more material to work with? I've put in some John Cleese references, but that was about all I could think of. Possibly add the scene where 007 seduces the doctor?
Act 2, Scene 2. A castle.
Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls, except for thee Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.
Act 2, Scene 2. Ye Old Wizard’s lair.
Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for mine restful days of dotage.
Sir James: ‘Tis mine hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor.
New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He hath ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls,..... for everyone in the Audience ! ......
( All the double "O"s whoop and cheer, like a Lady Oprah audience )
........except for thee Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.
( Sir James waits outside the physician's chamber ......The Doctor is seen talking with two Arab
Gentelmen )
Physician Warmflesh : Good morrow Sir James, I'll be with you in a couple of sheikhs !
( Sir James enters the physician's chamber )
Physician : Sit ye down Sir james,.... un less thine old problem with " The Farmer" hath
returned ?
Sir James : Nay, I need a clean parchment of health for Dame Miles, so I can again
crusade for the realm.
Physician : Thee did forget to correspond with me after our last ...... consultation !
Sir James : I do promise to ( as Sir James removes the lady's head dress )
Physician : So this be'ith how my reputation ends, not with a roar ......
Sir James : ....... but with a Wimple !
( The two sheikhs line is taken directly from Christopher Wood's The Spy Who Loved Me, and
I liked the name Warmflesh insted of Warmflash )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for mine restful days of dotage. Fishing and growing Butternut Squash,
cuecumbers and Kabocha.
Sir James: Well, you always were " Marrow Minded " .................
.......... ‘Tis mine hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard : Nay, but oft'times my wife sits among the Cabbages and peas .....
Sir James : I doth remember telling you to have that Privy mended !
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor. He be'ith sent from the Ministry of silly walks.
New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He hath ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
New Wizard : Aye, and I hath discovered why naught, naught, seven's new carriage is slow
when commuting ......T'is full of tins of cooked meat .
Sir James : Commuter Spam eh ?
New Wizard : Spam, Spam, Spam , Spam !!! I should hath become a Lumberjack as Mommy wanted.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I only had time for a quick reply earlier. "Warmflesh" is inspired, and the puns are hilarious. {[]
I've slipped this one in to "Gilded Crossbow"after hearing Paul Merton say it in a different context:
Count Scaramanga: Dine with us, Sir James. JeffGeff, set the table for three!
JeffGeff: Three? I am not happy.
Sir James: Then which one art thee? Grumpy, perhaps?
Here's my all-too-brief version of James meeting Elektra. Only 4 lines, no jokes , no ski chase.
Act 3, Scene 1. Another place of business.
Sir James: From Albion I doth come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt, in thine protection was mine father when he was slain.
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
Sir James: From Albion I doth come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt, in thine protection was mine father when he was slain, and Both the Swiss
Banker and thee cigar girl .....
Sir James: AS I HAVE ALREADY SPOKEN " ANYONE CAN HAVE AN OFF DAY !"
Princess Elektra: Dame Mile's and her yeomen hath failed me before !
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: I must inspect my lands on the high ground. It be good for my yeomen's morale.
Sir James: So it be'ith the Moral High Ground ? I love'ith the High ground, I shall accompany thee !
Princess Elektra: no music do I need.
Sir James: I hath my Skis as Winter Sports are so wholesome.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
( A top the high ground, they look across Princess Elektra's lands....... )
Sir James: Thine Father's monument
Princess Elektra: My Families monument ! In a carriage it T'would take three days to cover these lands.
Sir James: oh, I did have an old carriage like that once. Sold it for a new Aston Martin. ?
Princess Elektra: DB ten !
Sir James: nay, Mine goes up to Eleven.
( Suddenly they be attacked by varlets. Sir James doth battle with them and rises victorious, they run off leaving
Sir James holding a small piece of a fallen Knights tunic . )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
{[] Good stuff, that's much better now. I've carried on a bit then moved to the next scene.
(Later, at ye Castle of Princess Elektra.)
Princess Elektra: Most afraid I was earlier. Thou didst save my life, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas mine pleasure.
Princess Elektra: Thine pleasure we shalt discuss soon, but first thee must tell who is trying to slay me.
Sir James: This I cannot tell, but I shalt find out.
Princess Elektra: Nay, do not leave- stay with me.
Sir James: Alack, I cannot.
Princess Elektra: And now ‘tis thee who ist afraid...
Act 3, Scene 2. A gaming house. Sir James approaches a guard who ist wearing gold jewellery.
Sir James: I seek an audience with Tsar Valentin.
Guard: (When he speaks Sir James sees that his teeth are encrusted with gold also.) None may see Tsar Valentin.
Sir James: Impart unto him ‘tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Guard: Didst thou not hear me? None may see- (Swiftly Sir James doth disarm ye guard and bring him to his knees.)
Sir James: Now! (Sir James ist led to a chamber where Tsar Valentin sits with two beauteous maidens.)
Tsar Valentin: Bond James Bond! What doth bring thee here?
Sir James: I wouldst speak with thee, Tsar Valentin, and alone.
Tsar Valentin: Sayest thou not “hello”? And on mine life I shouldst more security carry.
Sir James: Alone.
Tsar Valentin: Yeoman Bull, I prithee, take ye young maidens to ye gaming room.
Yeoman Bull: I shalt remember this, Sir James. (Yeoman Bull and ye maidens exit.)
Sir James: The Princess Elektra I wouldst discuss with thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou art tardy, Sir James, for here she stands.
Princess Elektra: With thee I wouldst play cards, Tsar Valentin, for one million pieces of gold.
Tsar Valentin: Such sums exceed mine coffers, Princess, and wouldst take all mine gold. Lucky would I be to find work... perhaps in a school somewhere.
Sir James: This game I canst not play.
Princess Elektra: Thou ist afraid again, Sir James. (Cards are played. Tsar Valentin emerges victorious.)
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife.)
(The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny:
Sir James:
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James:
Moneypenny: - To where are you going hence, sir James?
Bond: - I have been sent to stop French inflammations/blights/disorders
Moneypenny: - Do be carefull, James!
Q: - Good to see you back, sir. We look forward to more bloodshed and fornication
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)
Act 1,Scene 2 (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean...?
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Sir James: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Act 1, Scene 3. Shrublands. (Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
(Sir James is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain:
(Nice Q line, N24, hopefully we slip that one in when we get there)
Domino should eat (and possibly many other things) blindfolded. She has done so for 9 1/2 weeks ....
Bond should comment that his nought- nought- seven seal on the docoments has changed from the usual. Also, the minstrels do not play the usual melody when he walks into a room.
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)
Act 1,Scene 2 (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean...?
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Sir James: I have been sent to stop French disorders.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Act 1, Scene 3. Shrublands. (Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
(Sir James is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain:
(Nice Q line, N24, hopefully we slip that one in when we get there)
Perhaps "French inflamations" works better because it suggests both actual fires and STD's )
Agreed, the deja vu is a great idea (and can work with the getting old jokes- he can't remember if he's done something before perhaps) and at one point he has to wonder where his usual tune is!
Now, perhaps Sir James can keep having a sense of deja vu about this mission?
Domino should eat (and possibly many other things) blindfolded. She has done so for 9 1/2 weeks ....
Bond should comment that his nought- nought- seven seal on the docoments has changed from the usual. Also, the minstrels do not play the usual melody when he walks into a room.
Could Shrublands be called "Busharea" or "BushGarden" as it's a copy or ripoff of the original ?
with Disco Volante ( The flying saucer ) something like Unidentified Disc or fidget spinner ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
and
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath. He ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James:
Comments
( Sir James doth place a rose on a headstone, a Holy man approaches ..... )
Holy man: Rosa ! Of the family Rosaceae ( In a Scottish accent )
Sir James : Pardon Priest ?
Holy Man : thine Latin for " The name of the rose " I be William of Baskerville
Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed.
Holy man: Then bless you, now I must away and walk my hound.
(A winged chariot arrives and Sir James doth enter. Only to be attacked by a bald varlet )
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven, for thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: have at you knave ! ( They do battle , with Sir James, kicking his cat into his sandwich basket )
Not Blofeld : ( screaming ) Have you no respect for the bread !
Sir James : that be'ith a rye comment.
Not Blofeld : The last thee will hear !
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain.
(They struggle with Sir James getting the upper hand )
Not Blofeld : Please we can do'ith an arrangement, I'll buy you an eating place of metal.
( Sir James manoeuvres the winged chariot, to the near by church steeple , sending Not Blofeld falling
On to the spire ! )
Not Blofeld : Ahhh !!!!!!! I'm skewed !!!
Sir James: One sympathies, An eating-place of metal thou shalt not need. As that should keep thee pinned
Down !
( Below in the Church grounds the Holy man with his hound looks skyward .... )
Holy man : Ah, There is nothing like a challenge to bring out the best in man. Now for a fine
Single malt.
Obviously the holy man is good old Sir Sean , and I thought it might be an idea to keep everything tied in around
A church, hence a steeple instead of a chimney stack ? With the quote about a challenge is from Connery himself.
I can't think how to make the spy ship sinking + the Havelocks being killed funny, so went straight to the briefing scene:
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir James: This bouquet I doth bring thee, fair Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: I thank'ee, Sir James. William of Tanner shall give thee thine charge, since Sir Miles ist enjoying days of leisure.
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Our man Sir Timothy Havelock was sent to investigate, but alack he and his wife have been slain.
Sir James: So, Havelock did not have luck.
William of Tanner: Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this cargo to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
Sir James: But of course.
Sir James: This bouquet I doth bring thee, fair Moneypenny.
Moneypenny : I see'ith these roses hath a Prick or two.
Sir James : Who hasn't M'Lady
( Sir James doth give a schoolboy grin )
Moneypenny: I thank'ee, Sir James. William of Tanner shall give thee thine charge, since Sir Miles ist enjoying days of leisure.
( Sir james enters The Throne room of Sir Miles )
William of Tanner : Ah, there you be Naught, Naught, Seven. What do you think of the
changes, I hath have made to the Throne room by the famous Designer .....
...... Lord Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Sir James : Tis, different.
William of Tanner : He say'th that Zebra prints, throw cushions and Bean Bags are'ith the
In thing this season.
Sir James : and thee, Dancing maid, gyrating on that pole ?
William of Tanner : Oh. that bring'ith the whole room together. Adds a sense of Class, or
so say'ith Lord Stringfellow.
Sir James : Truly the arbiter of good taste ! and doth explain thine attire of Orange
skin and leopard print thong.
Willaim of Tanner : Tis all the rage in court. The Colonies swear by them. In fact even
their leader hath Orange skin.
Sir James : I dare say you could Trump that.
( Sir James sits on a wobbly bean bag as William of Tanner unscrolls a parchment )
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Our man Sir Timothy Havelock was sent to investigate, but alack he and his wife have been slain.
Sir James: So, Havelock did not have luck.
William of Tanner: Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this cargo to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
( with difficultly Sir James manouvers off the bean bag )
Sir James: But of course. No double taking pigeons wilst be seen.
William of Tanner : Good man, on leaving could ye send in the scribe and artist from
the London Times. I'm having my portrait done to replace Sir Miles, and I have to give
an Interview on why I'll be'ith so much better than he at Modern espionage.
For the ending, there should be a rope-climbing and arrow shooting bit (but I'm no good at those sequences) before this:
Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
(Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee!
(They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll.
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
which is very compressed and not very funny.
Viscounte Kristatos enters to find her using g a mirror to
Sketch herself ... )
Viscounte Kristatos : stop taking thine selfie I must speak with you.
Baby Doll : impart thine news quickly.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
Viscounte Kristatos : Nay, t'will be a plesant distraction, I fancy.
Baby Doll : I know'ith what thee fancies and you be'ith too ancient for me.
Viscounte Kristatos : Again Nay, mine apothecary hath given me a course of
leeches, swallow two each morning and a little blue pill which will transform
My ardor to that of a Teenager again! In fact I hath just taken One.
Baby Doll : So I've noticed.
Viscounte Kristatos : Thee will obey Me !
Baby Doll : I be'ith off ! with mine posse to the shopping centre, for drinks and
annoyance of the ancient ones. Also Cuba, where do thee expect to find a
skating rink in a tropical Island........... Laters !
(Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee!
(They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Viscounte Colombo : Look Sir James his Codpiece, Rigor mortis hath Begun ?
Sir James : Aye, They have'ith a job getting thine lid on his coffin.
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll..... and These
( Viscounte Colombo pockets some blue pills he's found )
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
Your pick what to do next!
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby Doll, 'twill be a pleasant distraction, I fancy.
Baby Doll: I know'eth what thee fancies and thou be'eth too ancient for me.
Visconte Kristatos: Again nay, for mine apothecary hath given me a course of leeches- merely swallow two each morning and a little blue pill which will transform mine ardour to that of a teenager again! In fact I hath just taken one.
Baby Doll: (Looks down.) So I've noticed.
Visconte Kristatos: Thou will obey me!
Baby Doll: I be'eth off! With mine posse to the shopping centre, for drinks and annoyance of ye ancient ones. Also Cuba, where dost thee expect to find a skating rink on a tropical island? ....Laters!
(Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee, Kristatos!
(They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Visconte Colombo: Look ye, Sir James, at his codpiece: Rigor mortis hath begun?
Sir James: Aye, they’ll have'eth a job getting ye lid on his coffin. (Raises eyebrow.)
Visconte Colombo: I see Roger Moortis hast also begun.
Sir James: But of course.
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll..... and these, too.
(Visconte Colombo pockets some blue pills he hath found.)
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....
ORBIS NON SUFFICIT
Act 1, Scene 1. A place of business.
Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin.
Banker: Of this I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: Though here I have three men, also a maid with a cigar?
(Sir James overcomes three varlets with ease.)
Sir James: Count again, banker, thine fortunes be reversed.
Banker: Verily, the assassin is...
(The Banker ist slain by an unknown assassin. Sir James makes his escape.)
http://s13.postimg.cc/rpiqwu4xv/AA_OLD_MAN_3.jpg
Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James.
As well as't the Swiss cheese and Swiss chocolate she did request.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin.
Although, I wilst take thine cheese and chocolates on pain of death from
Dame Miles.
Banker: Of this assassin I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: The Odds be'ith not on thine side !
Though here I have three men, also a maid with a cigar?
Sir James: That be'ith true, only if thee plays thine odds.
(Sir James overcomes three varlets with ease.)
Sir James: Count again, banker, thine fortunes be reversed.
Banker: Thee must protect me.
Sir James: aye, I shalt.
Banker : Thee must place me in witness protection.
Sir James: aye, this too shalt be done.
Banker : Thee must promise to visit me, for drinks and some of Dame Miles chocolates.
Of perchance heat thine cheese for dipping like'ith at mine last Party ?
Sir James: doth sound a Fun do.
( Sir James stiffens ....... His sinew and doth speak with authority )
Sir James: enough, A name varlet. .......... And No chocolates can I promise.
Verily, the assassin is...
( A horse back fires drowning out the Bankers voice )
Sir James : Pardon ?
Banker : the assassin is .....
( An old lady's crate of tomatoes crashes in the stairway, with much noise )
Sir James : again varlet, the name .
Banker : the assassin ist ......
( A local Band begins to play out side ....... )
Sir James : who ?
Banker : THE ASSASSIN, IS ............
(The Banker ist slain by an unknown assassin. Before expiring doth gesticulate with his arms, at the knife in his back )
Sir James: one word ? Is it a book? ....... Is it by Shakespeare ? Something about a fox ? It involves thumbs ?
Ah ! He hath expired. .......... I must away.
( Sir James recovers the treasure, cheese with chocolates and doth make his escape ... )
Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Dame Miles.
Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Hast thou brought me a gift from thine travels?
Sir James: For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I do bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know.
Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.
King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
Sir James: Mayhap, but I do have a licence to drill...
(King Robert ist slain by a maid without a cigar. Sir James gives chase, but to no avail.)
Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Hast thou brought me a gift from thine travels?
Sir James: For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I do bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know. ( And doth toss it away, missing thee rubbish basket )
Sir James : ah close but no cigar. Would'st have better aim, if directed at mine shoulder, perhaps ?
Moneypenny :Thee always have to have a shot. Thou are to enter Dame Miles's throne room with haste
Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.
King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
Sir James: Mayhap, but I do have a licence to drill........ Although perhaps a part time position ? If thee hath got
A decent health plan.......
(Suddenly King Robert ist slain by a maid without a cigar. Sir James gives chase, but to no avail. As the Maid prepares to
Kill herself before Sir James )
Sir James: Halt fair maid, I can protect thee !
Maid : like thee did protect the Swiss Banker ?
Sir James : Anyone can have an off day ...... I'll do better with thee. With thee I'd be'ist all over you.
Maid: I be'ith lost, no one can protect me from Him ! Farewell !
( The maid doth jump to her death ..... As Sir James rubs his wounded shoulder and exits .... )
Sadly, not many jokes in this one
Perhaps the next two scenes might offer more material to work with? I've put in some John Cleese references, but that was about all I could think of. Possibly add the scene where 007 seduces the doctor?
Act 2, Scene 2. A castle.
Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls, except for thee Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.
Act 2, Scene 2. Ye Old Wizard’s lair.
Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for mine restful days of dotage.
Sir James: ‘Tis mine hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor.
New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He hath ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls,..... for everyone in the Audience ! ......
( All the double "O"s whoop and cheer, like a Lady Oprah audience )
........except for thee Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.
( Sir James waits outside the physician's chamber ......The Doctor is seen talking with two Arab
Gentelmen )
Physician Warmflesh : Good morrow Sir James, I'll be with you in a couple of sheikhs !
( Sir James enters the physician's chamber )
Physician : Sit ye down Sir james,.... un less thine old problem with " The Farmer" hath
returned ?
Sir James : Nay, I need a clean parchment of health for Dame Miles, so I can again
crusade for the realm.
Physician : Thee did forget to correspond with me after our last ...... consultation !
Sir James : I do promise to ( as Sir James removes the lady's head dress )
Physician : So this be'ith how my reputation ends, not with a roar ......
Sir James : ....... but with a Wimple !
( The two sheikhs line is taken directly from Christopher Wood's The Spy Who Loved Me, and
I liked the name Warmflesh insted of Warmflash )
Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for mine restful days of dotage. Fishing and growing Butternut Squash,
cuecumbers and Kabocha.
Sir James: Well, you always were " Marrow Minded " .................
.......... ‘Tis mine hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard : Nay, but oft'times my wife sits among the Cabbages and peas .....
Sir James : I doth remember telling you to have that Privy mended !
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor. He be'ith sent from the Ministry of silly walks.
New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He hath ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
New Wizard : Aye, and I hath discovered why naught, naught, seven's new carriage is slow
when commuting ......T'is full of tins of cooked meat .
Sir James : Commuter Spam eh ?
New Wizard : Spam, Spam, Spam , Spam !!! I should hath become a Lumberjack as Mommy wanted.
I've slipped this one in to "Gilded Crossbow"after hearing Paul Merton say it in a different context:
Count Scaramanga: Dine with us, Sir James. JeffGeff, set the table for three!
JeffGeff: Three? I am not happy.
Sir James: Then which one art thee? Grumpy, perhaps?
Here's my all-too-brief version of James meeting Elektra. Only 4 lines, no jokes
Act 3, Scene 1. Another place of business.
Sir James: From Albion I doth come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt, in thine protection was mine father when he was slain.
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
Sir James: From Albion I doth come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt, in thine protection was mine father when he was slain, and Both the Swiss
Banker and thee cigar girl .....
Sir James: AS I HAVE ALREADY SPOKEN " ANYONE CAN HAVE AN OFF DAY !"
Princess Elektra: Dame Mile's and her yeomen hath failed me before !
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: I must inspect my lands on the high ground. It be good for my yeomen's morale.
Sir James: So it be'ith the Moral High Ground ? I love'ith the High ground, I shall accompany thee !
Princess Elektra: no music do I need.
Sir James: I hath my Skis as Winter Sports are so wholesome.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
( A top the high ground, they look across Princess Elektra's lands....... )
Sir James: Thine Father's monument
Princess Elektra: My Families monument ! In a carriage it T'would take three days to cover these lands.
Sir James: oh, I did have an old carriage like that once. Sold it for a new Aston Martin. ?
Princess Elektra: DB ten !
Sir James: nay, Mine goes up to Eleven.
( Suddenly they be attacked by varlets. Sir James doth battle with them and rises victorious, they run off leaving
Sir James holding a small piece of a fallen Knights tunic . )
(Later, at ye Castle of Princess Elektra.)
Princess Elektra: Most afraid I was earlier. Thou didst save my life, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas mine pleasure.
Princess Elektra: Thine pleasure we shalt discuss soon, but first thee must tell who is trying to slay me.
Sir James: This I cannot tell, but I shalt find out.
Princess Elektra: Nay, do not leave- stay with me.
Sir James: Alack, I cannot.
Princess Elektra: And now ‘tis thee who ist afraid...
Act 3, Scene 2. A gaming house. Sir James approaches a guard who ist wearing gold jewellery.
Sir James: I seek an audience with Tsar Valentin.
Guard: (When he speaks Sir James sees that his teeth are encrusted with gold also.) None may see Tsar Valentin.
Sir James: Impart unto him ‘tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Guard: Didst thou not hear me? None may see-
(Swiftly Sir James doth disarm ye guard and bring him to his knees.)
Sir James: Now!
(Sir James ist led to a chamber where Tsar Valentin sits with two beauteous maidens.)
Tsar Valentin: Bond James Bond! What doth bring thee here?
Sir James: I wouldst speak with thee, Tsar Valentin, and alone.
Tsar Valentin: Sayest thou not “hello”? And on mine life I shouldst more security carry.
Sir James: Alone.
Tsar Valentin: Yeoman Bull, I prithee, take ye young maidens to ye gaming room.
Yeoman Bull: I shalt remember this, Sir James.
(Yeoman Bull and ye maidens exit.)
Sir James: The Princess Elektra I wouldst discuss with thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou art tardy, Sir James, for here she stands.
Princess Elektra: With thee I wouldst play cards, Tsar Valentin, for one million pieces of gold.
Tsar Valentin: Such sums exceed mine coffers, Princess, and wouldst take all mine gold. Lucky would I be to find work... perhaps in a school somewhere.
Sir James: This game I canst not play.
Princess Elektra: Thou ist afraid again, Sir James.
(Cards are played. Tsar Valentin emerges victorious.)
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife.)
(The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny:
Sir James:
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James:
Anyone fancy taking this up?
Bond: - I have been sent to stop French inflammations/blights/disorders
Moneypenny: - Do be carefull, James!
Q: - Good to see you back, sir. We look forward to more bloodshed and fornication
NE’ER SAY NE’ER AGAIN
Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place.
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)
Act 1,Scene 2 (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean...?
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Sir James: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Act 1, Scene 3. Shrublands.
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
(Sir James is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain:
(Nice Q line, N24, hopefully we slip that one in when we get there)
Bond should comment that his nought- nought- seven seal on the docoments has changed from the usual. Also, the minstrels do not play the usual melody when he walks into a room.
Perhaps "French inflamations" works better because it suggests both actual fires and STD's
Sir James keep having a sense of deja vu about this mission ?
Agreed, the deja vu is a great idea (and can work with the getting old jokes- he can't remember if he's done something before perhaps) and at one point he has to wonder where his usual tune is!
Now, perhaps Sir James can keep having a sense of deja vu about this mission?
I have an idea about bond's usual tune ....
with Disco Volante ( The flying saucer ) something like Unidentified Disc or fidget spinner ?
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
and
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath. He ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: