(Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
Sir James: Drat, ye front gate ist well-guarded. There must be some other way out of this place. (Sir James drives left and right and up and down, pursued by Oddjob all the way.)
Sir James: Methinks there ist a way out beyond this waterfall- 'tis my only chance! (Sir James drives straight into ye waterfall, but alas there are two and he chooses the wrong one. His carriage smashes into a wall and he ist rendered uncon.. uncons... knocked out. Oddjob approaches and smiles.)
We'd need to set up the waterfall by rewriting and expanding this scene:
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here.")
Fortunately, there are other reasons for rewriting this, ie to include TP's smelt idea and to have GF meet Mr Ling and say "Ye Grande Slamme". First thought: since Mr Ling is played by Burt Kwouk, how about having him hide inside a cupboard and jump out on GF, like he did as Kato in the Pink Panther films...?
( Sir James, Turns his carriage to exit via the gate keeper, but She stands with a double barreled
cannonet ..... )
Gate Keeper : Say hello to my little friend ! ( and doth fire her weapon )
Sir James : Balls !, ( turning his carriage away he shouts at the wench )
Sir James : I hope thee Knits socks in hell !
( Oddjob and his blagards give chase, with Oddjob shouting at his men )
Oddjob: Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob has asked that half you men attack Sir James from behind
whilst the other half get in front to harass his front, and No Mr Oddjob would like to
point out that is not a sexual innuendo, as he frowns on bawdy humour.
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob would like to express his gratuide for all your hard work during
this busy time. He knows there have had to be scarafices for the operation , Once again
not an innuendo, but if we can Capture Sir James quickly. He put up a round of drinks at
the local tavern and will try and talk Lord Gilded Finger in to adding that dental plan to
the perks of working for his " Totally normal, nothing criminal goning on here organisation "
( They run and give chase to Sir James, who finds himself forced down an alleyway facing
two waterfalls..... )
Sir James : Two water falls, What is the old rhyme again.
" If waterfalls two is that what ye see, T'is left or Right is the question that be.
Quick ponder, on yonder the one's that guess you might, Then pull your reigns
from slackened to tight.
Gird thine loins, with all the power yee can master, Turn to the left so thee can
run Faster "
( as Sir James was say this he crashed in to the waterfall on the left and was thrown
unconscious from the carriage , Oddjob walks over )
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob say well done lads, Once again, you've done him proud by
hitting all targets met and it reminds him of the old saying.
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
so lets get Sir James inside, and he'll give his usual friendly One to One chat session.
as he values your imput, after all there's no I in team.
( Sir James is dragged away )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He sneaks in, finding himself at a window where he doth spy He of the Gilded Finger talking with one of his men.)
He of the Gilded Finger: ...but Kirsch, thou did say that Mr Ling would be waiting here for me.
Kirsch: Indeed, sir, I know not where he might be. (Mr Ling leaps out of a cupboard.)
Mr Ling: Ah-har!
He of the Gilded Finger: In heaven's name, Mr Ling, thou didst nearly give me a heart attack!
Mr Ling: A thousand apologies, He of the Gilded Finger, old habits die hard- mine previous employer did encourage me to attack him at any time.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most strange.
Mr Ling: He did say that it kept him at his peak.
He of the Gilded Finger: It sounds like a shot in the dark.
Mr Ling: Funny that thou should say that...
He of the Gilded Finger: Look ye at mine carriage, Mr Ling- 'tis made of sold gold, and I make three trips per year here to convey ye precious metal. Here, I smelt it.
Mr Ling: They do say that he who smelt it dealt it.
He of the Gilded Finger: Indeed, my dealings have made me rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Mr Ling: Mayhap 'twould be wiser to wait for the moment.
He of the Gilded Finger: I assure ye, Operation Grande Slamme willst have mine undivided attention. (Sir James silently departs.)
Sir James: Hmm, there ist an exit behind yon waterfall- it may be useful later.
( Sir James, Turns his carriage to exit via the gate keeper, but She stands with a double barreled
cannonet ..... )
Gate Keeper : Say hello to my little friend ! ( and doth fire her weapon )
Sir James : Balls !, ( turning his carriage away he shouts at the wench )
Sir James : I hope thee Knits socks in hell !
( Oddjob and his blagards give chase, with Oddjob shouting at his men )
Oddjob: Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob has asked that half you men attack Sir James from behind
whilst the other half get in front to harass his front, and No Mr Oddjob would like to
point out that is not a sexual innuendo, as he frowns on bawdy humour.
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob would like to express his gratuide for all your hard work during
this busy time. He knows there have had to be scarafices for the operation , Once again
not an innuendo, but if we can Capture Sir James quickly. He put up a round of drinks at
the local tavern and will try and talk Lord Gilded Finger in to adding that dental plan to
the perks of working for his " Totally normal, nothing criminal goning on here organisation "
( They run and give chase to Sir James, who finds himself forced down an alleyway facing
two waterfalls..... )
Sir James : Two water falls, What is the old rhyme again.
" If waterfalls two is that what ye see, T'is left or Right is the question that be.
Quick ponder, on yonder the one's that guess you might, Then pull your reigns
from slackened to tight.
Gird thine loins, with all the power yee can master, Turn to the left so thee can
run Faster "
( as Sir James was say this he crashed in to the waterfall on the left and was thrown
unconscious from the carriage , Oddjob walks over )
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob say well done lads, Once again, you've done him proud by
hitting all targets met and it reminds him of the old saying.
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
so lets get Sir James inside, and he'll give his usual friendly One to One chat session.
as he values your imput, after all there's no I in team.
( Sir James is dragged away )
Sir James: Well, hello.
Fiona: Art thou not in ye wrong room, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, I did ask for a room with a view, and I can think of nothing better.
Fiona: Mayhap thou should get out of thine wet things.
Sir James: Oh, the things I do for Albion...
(A discreet interval later...)
Fiona: 'Tis time to attend ye festival, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and mayhap thou should meet mine friends ye Largos, dost thou know them?
Fiona: Questions, questions, all I get ist questions!
Sir James: Come, let us depart. (He opens the door to find Yeoman Vargas and Yeoman Janni.)]
Main reason for wanting to do this scene (well, apart from the "room with a view" line) is Fiona's big speech ("I forgot your ego Mr Bond") which must have some possibilities.
Sir James: Well, hello.
Fiona: Art thou not in ye wrong room, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, I did ask for a room with a view, and I can think of nothing better. With
My profession, I'm used to being in Hot Water.
Fiona: Mayhap thou should get out of thine wet things.
Sir James: Oh, the things I do for Albion...
(A discreet interval later...)
Fiona: 'Tis time to attend ye festival, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and mayhap thou should meet mine friends ye Largos, dost thou know them?
Fiona: Questions, questions, all I get ist questions!
Sir James : How about the Blofelds,... McClory's or Fanny Chmelar
Fiona : Nay to all.
Sir James: Come, let us depart, and some discourse we can have as we travel.
(He opens the door to find Yeoman Vargas and Yeoman Janni.)
Sir James : Friends of yours I believe, Please make haste and enter Gentlemen.
( Sir James is searched and his dagger removed )
Fiona : I did not notice thine small weapon
Sir James : A bit Hurtful, Many would'st marvel at the size of my ...
Fiona : Thine Dagger Sir James, But Vanity has its Dangers.
Sir James : Don't flatter yourself Dear maiden, What I did tonight was for King and country.....
...... and that I was Horny ! Horny, Horny Horny (#)
Fiona : Ah Yes, Your ego Sir James, Her Majesties loyal stud muffin, who has't only to
make love to a woman, for her to hear heavenly choirs singing......
Sir James : Yes, that's pretty much what happens !
Fiona : ... She repents from being a wicked lady and returns to the side of right and virtue.
Sir James : As I said, Aye, that's what usually happens. They are attracted to the well of Good
inside me and about ten minutes later I'm usually well inside ...........
Fiona : ( Loudly ) But Not this One. I'm proud of my Ring ....
Sir James : Aye, I've seen it, it's Very impressive, you obviously work out.
Fiona : .... and the organisation it represents ! .... What a blow for You ....
Sir James : What another, Infront of the staff ? .
Fiona : ... To have a Failure !
Sir James : Well ye cannot winith them all..... Although I do think the lady doth protest
too much, .......... I think you like me, ... you Really Like ME !
( They exit, with Sir James )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Having just returned from a weekend of singing around the Scottish islands, hence any delay)
Yup, that hits the mark!
Now, when they go down to the carriage I think they should be approached by a succession of tourists offering them drinks- a Scotsman (holding a double bass?) offers them whisky, an Irishman (guess who?) pooh-poohs that and says no, they must drink whiskey, a Norwegian offers them schnapps (or whatever- expert advice required).... before James makes his escape and is chased by Fiona & her men. Obviously any men in green trainers must be run over.
Fiona: Into this carriage, Sir James, and do not try anything clever.
Sir James: ‘Tis a pity, I had been wanting to play with my Rubik’s cube, do Ye Times crossword then read a parchment by Alchemist Stephen Hawking- and understand it! (They are approached by a tourist waving a bottle.)
1st Tourist: I prithee, try mine drink.
Fiona: Nay, go away!
1st Tourist: ‘Tis most pleasant, ‘tis Coke Zero, I have brought it here from far Norway.
Fiona: I said no!
1st Tourist: Some Aquavit then?
Vargas: Thou hast heard ye lady, go away! (Ye tourist exists, grumbling that he has 23 more cars to try, and ist quickly followed by a 2nd Tourist, with a bottle in one hand and a double bass in ye other.)
2nd Tourist: Hey, you in ye carriage, try some whisky.
Fiona: Another one!
2nd Tourist: Don’t mind if I do! (Drinks.) Here, have some.
Vargas: Begone this instant! (Ye 2nd Tourist stumbles off, but ist replaced by a third.)
3rd Tourist:
) (Fiona begins to light some tobacco.)
Sir James: Excellent, exhilarating, exuberant! (Sir James kicks ye bottle, causing the whiskey to spill and Fiona's flame to set it alight. In ye confusion he darts from ye carriage into ye festival.)
Fiona: Apace, after him!
3rd Tourist: Me too#?
Fiona: If thou like'est!
(Ye parade ist full of dancers and singers, all watching a dog pee. Vargas, Janni and company pursue Sir James with Fiona coming from behind, much to ye 3rd Tourist's delight.)
Fiona: Over there! (Sir James takes cover behind a display of sundials, elbowing aside a man in green trainers attempting to present them to ye public. As Fiona's men approach he sneaks off the back of ye display and out through ye crowd towards a drinking place where a band play "Good Morning Nassau Town" while a maiden dances into ye fire, needing a fatal kiss.)
When They leave could they see three tourists leaving a pub
Obviously a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Norwegian. To which
Fiona could say " What ! Is this some sort of joke !"
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Ye 2nd Tourist stumbles off, but ist replaced by a third as Fiona begins to light some tobacco.)
3rd Tourist: Try’eth some of mine, it be whisky but (Aside.) I've put an E in it.
Sir James: Excellent, exhilarating, exuberant! (Sir James kicks ye bottle, causing the whiskey to spill and Fiona's flame to set it alight. In ye confusion he darts from ye carriage into ye festival.)
Fiona: Apace, after him!
3rd Tourist: Me too#?
Fiona: If thou like'est! (Ye parade ist full of dancers and singers, all watching a dog pee. Vargas, Janni and company pursue Sir James with Fiona coming from behind, much to ye 3rd Tourist's delight as he enters a pub.)
Fiona: Over there! (Sir James takes cover behind a display of sundials, elbowing aside a man in green trainers attempting to present them to ye public. As Fiona's men approach he sneaks off the back of ye display and out through ye crowd towards a drinking place where a maiden dances into ye fire, needing a fatal kiss.)
Fiona: In there, follow him! (As they approach they see three tourists leaving a pub, obviously a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Norwegian.)
Fiona: What? Is this some sort of joke! (Sir James sees Fiona, Vargas and company approach and quickly grabs ye hand of a young maiden.)
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden:
(Sir James sees Fiona, Vargas and company approach and quickly grabs ye hand of a young maiden.)
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden: But thou art mad!
Sir James: 'Tis a fine madness. (As they dance, Fiona sends one of her men behind ye band then walks up behind ye maiden.)
Fiona:
Act 5, Scene 5. A beach. Sir James and Dominetta emerge from ye water.
Sir James: ...and doth thee approve of mine breast stroke?
Duenna Dominetta: Most certainly, ‘tis very practiced and accomplished... Ow!!
Sir James: What ails thee, sweet Domino?
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis mine foot- ‘twould seem stuck in something in ye sand.
Sir James: Let me see.. oh, nay! ‘Tis that most dreaded of all foot complaints.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, not that! Thou canst not mean...?
Sir James: Aye- thine foot hast got caught inside a green training shoe.
Duenna Dominetta: Help me, Sir James, thou must help me!
Sir James: Of course- lie down, I prithee, in ye sand... now just relax.... (Carefully Sir James removes ye questionable item and tosses it onto ye sand.)
Duenna Dominetta: Most grateful I am to thee that it is gone before anyone else did see me in it!
Sir James: ‘Tis fortunate ‘twas only one- if thine feet had got stuck in two of them who knows what might have happened?
Duenna Dominetta: Sir James, I must tell thee that Baron Largo ist gathering all his men together tonight for a secret mission.... but Vargas ist watching us.
Sir James: Ist he now...? (Quickly Sir James picks up ye green shoe and with unerring aim throws it at Vargas, striking him dead.)
Sir James: May his sole rest in peace.
Act 5, Scene 5. A beach. Sir James and Dominetta emerge from ye water.
Duenna Dominetta: ...and doth thee approve of mine breast stroke?
Sir James: Most certainly,(aside) verily, there beith nothing I like to stroke more
.... ‘tis very practiced and accomplished, thine swims lieith a Man !
Duenna Dominetta : I do many things likeith a Man, I smoke, Know the off side rule and
sometimes do pee standing up ! ... Ow!!
Sir James: What ails thee, sweet Domino?
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis mine foot- ‘twould seem stuck in something in ye sand.
Sir James: Let me see.. oh, nay! ‘Tis that most dreaded of all foot complaints.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, not that! Thou canst not mean...?
Sir James: Aye- thine foot hast got caught inside a green training shoe.
Duenna Dominetta: Help me, Sir James, thou must help me!
Sir James: Of course- lie down, I prithee, in ye sand... now just relax....
(Carefully Sir James removes ye questionable item and tosses it onto ye sand.)
Duenna Dominetta: Most grateful I am to thee that it is gone before anyone else did see me in it!
Sir James: ‘Tis fortunate ‘twas only one- if thine feet had got stuck in two of them who knows what might have happened?
Duenna Dominetta: Sir James, I must tell thee that Baron Largo ist gathering all his men together tonight for a secret mission.... but Vargas ist watching us.
Sir James: Ist he now...?
(Quickly Sir James picks up ye green shoe and with unerring aim throws it at Vargas, striking him dead.)
Sir James: May his sole rest in peace.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Sir James sees Fiona, Vargas and company approach and quickly grabs ye hand of a young maiden.)
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden: But thou art mad!
Sir James: 'Tis a fine madness.
(As they dance, Fiona sends one of her men behind ye band then walks up behind ye maiden.)
Fiona: Do you mind if I cut In ?
Maiden : I did not know your wife was here ! ( and exits )
Sir James : You pick your moments, I was in there.
Fiona : Ah, Thine funky farm fowl, my favourite. ( the music continues )
Sir James : I know from experience thee certainly has rhythm,..... and stamina
Ow!! .... Ow!! and apparently two left feet.
Fiona : I'll have you know I studied at the london Pineapple dance studios
Sir James : what at Crushing grapes ?, Killing Cockroaches ? ..... Ow !!
( The yeoman of Fiona, hides behind the Minstrels stage winces and draws out a crossbow )
Fiona : You can not escape Sir james, I have many men, in many positions
Sir James : so the writing on the privy wall wouldst attest to. ..... Ow !!
Wouldst thee try and put thine feet on the dance floor Once and awhile !
( The hidden yeoman winces again at Fiona's dancing .... )
Fiona : You do enjoy Thine dancing Sir James.
Sir James : Ow !! Usually. I have been complemented on my Ballatino before. Ow !!
( The Hidden yeoman, winces again and can take no more. He fires his Crossbow, the
arrow striking Fiona, He loved Dance too much to see her butcher it. Sir James moves
the body of Fiona to a near by table )
Sir james : Rest here Darling, You've been giving it large! perhaps a Grave Error ?
Drunk : She a light weight ?
Sir James : More of a Dead weight !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Baron Largo assembles his men. Unbeknownst to him, Sir James slays one of them and takes his place.)
Baron Largo: 'Tis time to depart on our mission, mine friends. Most proud am I of thine efforts thus far, and ye Comte de Blofeld sends his best wishes from back in Paris.
(His ears perking up, Sir James produces a quill and parchment and writes down "Comte de Blofeld, Paris" thinking that Sir Miles will be very pleased with this on his return.)
Baron Largo: Only one more task awaits, to retrieve ye great weapons and put them in place. Now, let us go! And, remember- no smoking.
(Baron Largo leads his men into ye ocean, Sir James among them. Sadly, ye parchment is soaked and the ink runs off- later Sir Miles is very unimpressed when Sir James shows it to him.)
(Much swimming and fighting beneath the sea.) - this is the bit I'm struggling with.
(Much swimming and fighting beneath the sea- excerpts available on ye tapestry on display at Castle McClory. Sir James pursues Baron Largo to ye Disco Volante.)
Unless you (or anyone else of course) wants to work on the Shrublands sequence or anything else that isn't included at http://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806789/#p806789, I think that's about it for TB.
Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And then?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.
(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg)
Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips... er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
Lord Henderson: Of a great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him and... (Lord Henderson ist slain)
...followed by the whole sequence where James chases the assassin to Osato's HQ, fights him, steals stuff from the safe, and runs out to where Aki is waiting. Since there isn't much dialogue I didn't work on this and would be very happy to see someone take it up.
(Sir James does battle with Baron Largo and his men, defeating all but ending up with Baron Largo holding him at swordpoint.)
Baron Largo: Now I have thee at mine mercy, Sir James. To quote the Minstrels
Thine red hot Chilli peppers, I've got something I want to put in ya.. This Blade!!
Sir James: Well, enjoy thineself. I notice thine blade is one of those new fangled
Wilkinson twin blades ?
Baron Largo : To double My pleasure !
(Duenna Dominetta comes up behind Baron Largo and stabs him in ye back with an arrow)
Largo : A shaft at mine Back, now that takes me back to my boarding school days, I fell so cold,
hath death brought its cold sting.
Sir james : Nay. thee hast thine hand in the ice bucket, next to thine cigars.
( Baron Largo uses his sword to destroy the ships wheel before he dies )
Duenna Dominetta: In faith, that I have slain him doth please me.
Sir James: No more than it doth please me. Now make haste Time to leave.
( They both jump in to the sea )
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Just had a thought in the Bond dance with Fiona
After he says he has two left feet, could we add
" Then, Guilty feet have got no rhythm " the classic
George Michael song.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And then?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.
(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave.
(Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg)
Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips... er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
( secretly Sir James pours the drink out in to a plant pot )
Lord Henderson:Thee has never been to Japan before.?
Sir James : Once with Sir Miles but he has sworn Me to secrecy, all I can say it involves
Karaoke, a potters wheel, a Liverpool tunic, some Geisha girls and about three pounds of
Potato salad.
Lord Henderson: Interesting, I hath lived here almost all my life, Oh you couldn't just
witness this, It beith my last will and testament, doesn't do to put thses things off. You
never know ... I'm just canceling my Parchement of the month club and Asian Maiden of
the Month subscriptions.
Sir James : aye, ( Sir james doth sign the document ) What knowith you of this business ?
Lord Henderson: It involves a great trader..
Sir James : eh?
Lord Henderson: Sorry Sir james it beith not multi choice. A great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him and I knowith Tiger, he's the head of the local Secret Samurai
clan. He will set up a meeting But first I'd like to .....
Sir James : Yes, go on.
Lord Henderson: .......................................
Sir James : Please don't stand on ceremony
Lord Henderson: .....................................
Sir james : ( doth mover across to Lord Henderson, to see a dagger in his Back and ist slain )
..... They do have some strange customs in Japan.
( Sir james gives chase and kills the assassin, Finding a parchment on him.... )
Sir James : What beith this ?, an Employee parchment card. For Osato Apothecary Potions
Name : Stin Ki Pu, Occupation : Assassin and General Underling
Special Interests : Cooking Sushi, Growing giant Bonsai trees and May pole dancing.
..... Um! some other interesting items.
( A small sports carriage arrives and Lady Aki gestures for Sir James to Join her )
I thought we could leave out the fight at the office ( Unless anyone can write something
funny about it ) and have Bond find some documents on the assassin.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Sir James: Drat, ye front gate ist well-guarded. There must be some other way out of this place.
(Sir James drives left and right and up and down, pursued by Oddjob all the way.)
Sir James: Methinks there ist a way out beyond this waterfall- 'tis my only chance!
(Sir James drives straight into ye waterfall, but alas there are two and he chooses the wrong one. His carriage smashes into a wall and he ist rendered uncon.. uncons... knocked out. Oddjob approaches and smiles.)
We'd need to set up the waterfall by rewriting and expanding this scene:
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here.")
Fortunately, there are other reasons for rewriting this, ie to include TP's smelt idea and to have GF meet Mr Ling and say "Ye Grande Slamme". First thought: since Mr Ling is played by Burt Kwouk, how about having him hide inside a cupboard and jump out on GF, like he did as Kato in the Pink Panther films...?
cannonet ..... )
Gate Keeper : Say hello to my little friend ! ( and doth fire her weapon )
Sir James : Balls !, ( turning his carriage away he shouts at the wench )
Sir James : I hope thee Knits socks in hell !
( Oddjob and his blagards give chase, with Oddjob shouting at his men )
Oddjob: Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob has asked that half you men attack Sir James from behind
whilst the other half get in front to harass his front, and No Mr Oddjob would like to
point out that is not a sexual innuendo, as he frowns on bawdy humour.
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob would like to express his gratuide for all your hard work during
this busy time. He knows there have had to be scarafices for the operation , Once again
not an innuendo, but if we can Capture Sir James quickly. He put up a round of drinks at
the local tavern and will try and talk Lord Gilded Finger in to adding that dental plan to
the perks of working for his " Totally normal, nothing criminal goning on here organisation "
( They run and give chase to Sir James, who finds himself forced down an alleyway facing
two waterfalls..... )
Sir James : Two water falls, What is the old rhyme again.
" If waterfalls two is that what ye see, T'is left or Right is the question that be.
Quick ponder, on yonder the one's that guess you might, Then pull your reigns
from slackened to tight.
Gird thine loins, with all the power yee can master, Turn to the left so thee can
run Faster "
( as Sir James was say this he crashed in to the waterfall on the left and was thrown
unconscious from the carriage , Oddjob walks over )
Oddjob : Ah Har !
Oddjob's PA : Mr Oddjob say well done lads, Once again, you've done him proud by
hitting all targets met and it reminds him of the old saying.
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
so lets get Sir James inside, and he'll give his usual friendly One to One chat session.
as he values your imput, after all there's no I in team.
( Sir James is dragged away )
He of the Gilded Finger: ...but Kirsch, thou did say that Mr Ling would be waiting here for me.
Kirsch: Indeed, sir, I know not where he might be.
(Mr Ling leaps out of a cupboard.)
Mr Ling: Ah-har!
He of the Gilded Finger: In heaven's name, Mr Ling, thou didst nearly give me a heart attack!
Mr Ling: A thousand apologies, He of the Gilded Finger, old habits die hard- mine previous employer did encourage me to attack him at any time.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most strange.
Mr Ling: He did say that it kept him at his peak.
He of the Gilded Finger: It sounds like a shot in the dark.
Mr Ling: Funny that thou should say that...
He of the Gilded Finger: Look ye at mine carriage, Mr Ling- 'tis made of sold gold, and I make three trips per year here to convey ye precious metal. Here, I smelt it.
Mr Ling: They do say that he who smelt it dealt it.
He of the Gilded Finger: Indeed, my dealings have made me rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Mr Ling: Mayhap 'twould be wiser to wait for the moment.
He of the Gilded Finger: I assure ye, Operation Grande Slamme willst have mine undivided attention.
(Sir James silently departs.)
Sir James: Hmm, there ist an exit behind yon waterfall- it may be useful later.
PMSL!!!
See: https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806788/#p806788 for assembled version.
Act 5, Scene 3. A boarding house.
(Sir James enters to find Fiona in ye bath.)
Sir James: Well, hello.
Fiona: Art thou not in ye wrong room, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, I did ask for a room with a view, and I can think of nothing better.
Fiona: Mayhap thou should get out of thine wet things.
Sir James: Oh, the things I do for Albion...
(A discreet interval later...)
Fiona: 'Tis time to attend ye festival, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and mayhap thou should meet mine friends ye Largos, dost thou know them?
Fiona: Questions, questions, all I get ist questions!
Sir James: Come, let us depart.
(He opens the door to find Yeoman Vargas and Yeoman Janni.)]
Main reason for wanting to do this scene (well, apart from the "room with a view" line) is Fiona's big speech ("I forgot your ego Mr Bond") which must have some possibilities.
(Sir James enters to find Fiona in ye bath.)
Sir James: Well, hello.
Fiona: Art thou not in ye wrong room, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, I did ask for a room with a view, and I can think of nothing better. With
My profession, I'm used to being in Hot Water.
Fiona: Mayhap thou should get out of thine wet things.
Sir James: Oh, the things I do for Albion...
(A discreet interval later...)
Fiona: 'Tis time to attend ye festival, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and mayhap thou should meet mine friends ye Largos, dost thou know them?
Fiona: Questions, questions, all I get ist questions!
Sir James : How about the Blofelds,... McClory's or Fanny Chmelar
Fiona : Nay to all.
Sir James: Come, let us depart, and some discourse we can have as we travel.
(He opens the door to find Yeoman Vargas and Yeoman Janni.)
Sir James : Friends of yours I believe, Please make haste and enter Gentlemen.
( Sir James is searched and his dagger removed )
Fiona : I did not notice thine small weapon
Sir James : A bit Hurtful, Many would'st marvel at the size of my ...
Fiona : Thine Dagger Sir James, But Vanity has its Dangers.
Sir James : Don't flatter yourself Dear maiden, What I did tonight was for King and country.....
...... and that I was Horny ! Horny, Horny Horny (#)
Fiona : Ah Yes, Your ego Sir James, Her Majesties loyal stud muffin, who has't only to
make love to a woman, for her to hear heavenly choirs singing......
Sir James : Yes, that's pretty much what happens !
Fiona : ... She repents from being a wicked lady and returns to the side of right and virtue.
Sir James : As I said, Aye, that's what usually happens. They are attracted to the well of Good
inside me and about ten minutes later I'm usually well inside ...........
Fiona : ( Loudly ) But Not this One. I'm proud of my Ring ....
Sir James : Aye, I've seen it, it's Very impressive, you obviously work out.
Fiona : .... and the organisation it represents ! .... What a blow for You ....
Sir James : What another, Infront of the staff ? .
Fiona : ... To have a Failure !
Sir James : Well ye cannot winith them all..... Although I do think the lady doth protest
too much, .......... I think you like me, ... you Really Like ME !
( They exit, with Sir James )
Now, when they go down to the carriage I think they should be approached by a succession of tourists offering them drinks- a Scotsman (holding a double bass?) offers them whisky, an Irishman (guess who?) pooh-poohs that and says no, they must drink whiskey, a Norwegian offers them schnapps (or whatever- expert advice required).... before James makes his escape and is chased by Fiona & her men. Obviously any men in green trainers must be run over.
Sir James: ‘Tis a pity, I had been wanting to play with my Rubik’s cube, do Ye Times crossword then read a parchment by Alchemist Stephen Hawking- and understand it!
(They are approached by a tourist waving a bottle.)
1st Tourist: I prithee, try mine drink.
Fiona: Nay, go away!
1st Tourist: ‘Tis most pleasant, ‘tis Coke Zero, I have brought it here from far Norway.
Fiona: I said no!
1st Tourist: Some Aquavit then?
Vargas: Thou hast heard ye lady, go away!
(Ye tourist exists, grumbling that he has 23 more cars to try, and ist quickly followed by a 2nd Tourist, with a bottle in one hand and a double bass in ye other.)
2nd Tourist: Hey, you in ye carriage, try some whisky.
Fiona: Another one!
2nd Tourist: Don’t mind if I do! (Drinks.) Here, have some.
Vargas: Begone this instant!
(Ye 2nd Tourist stumbles off, but ist replaced by a third.)
3rd Tourist:
Third tourist's dialogue all yours, TP!!!
( aside ) I've put an E in it.
(Fiona begins to light some tobacco.)
Sir James: Excellent, exhilarating, exuberant!
(Sir James kicks ye bottle, causing the whiskey to spill and Fiona's flame to set it alight. In ye confusion he darts from ye carriage into ye festival.)
Fiona: Apace, after him!
3rd Tourist: Me too#?
Fiona: If thou like'est!
Fiona: Over there!
(Sir James takes cover behind a display of sundials, elbowing aside a man in green trainers attempting to present them to ye public. As Fiona's men approach he sneaks off the back of ye display and out through ye crowd towards a drinking place where a band play "Good Morning Nassau Town" while a maiden dances into ye fire, needing a fatal kiss.)
Obviously a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Norwegian. To which
Fiona could say " What ! Is this some sort of joke !"
(Ye 2nd Tourist stumbles off, but ist replaced by a third as Fiona begins to light some tobacco.)
3rd Tourist: Try’eth some of mine, it be whisky but (Aside.) I've put an E in it.
Sir James: Excellent, exhilarating, exuberant!
(Sir James kicks ye bottle, causing the whiskey to spill and Fiona's flame to set it alight. In ye confusion he darts from ye carriage into ye festival.)
Fiona: Apace, after him!
3rd Tourist: Me too#?
Fiona: If thou like'est!
(Ye parade ist full of dancers and singers, all watching a dog pee. Vargas, Janni and company pursue Sir James with Fiona coming from behind, much to ye 3rd Tourist's delight as he enters a pub.)
Fiona: Over there!
(Sir James takes cover behind a display of sundials, elbowing aside a man in green trainers attempting to present them to ye public. As Fiona's men approach he sneaks off the back of ye display and out through ye crowd towards a drinking place where a maiden dances into ye fire, needing a fatal kiss.)
Fiona: In there, follow him!
(As they approach they see three tourists leaving a pub, obviously a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Norwegian.)
Fiona: What? Is this some sort of joke!
(Sir James sees Fiona, Vargas and company approach and quickly grabs ye hand of a young maiden.)
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden:
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden: But thou art mad!
Sir James: 'Tis a fine madness.
(As they dance, Fiona sends one of her men behind ye band then walks up behind ye maiden.)
Fiona:
So, I moved on to the next scene:
Act 5, Scene 5. A beach. Sir James and Dominetta emerge from ye water.
Sir James: ...and doth thee approve of mine breast stroke?
Duenna Dominetta: Most certainly, ‘tis very practiced and accomplished... Ow!!
Sir James: What ails thee, sweet Domino?
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis mine foot- ‘twould seem stuck in something in ye sand.
Sir James: Let me see.. oh, nay! ‘Tis that most dreaded of all foot complaints.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, not that! Thou canst not mean...?
Sir James: Aye- thine foot hast got caught inside a green training shoe.
Duenna Dominetta: Help me, Sir James, thou must help me!
Sir James: Of course- lie down, I prithee, in ye sand... now just relax....
(Carefully Sir James removes ye questionable item and tosses it onto ye sand.)
Duenna Dominetta: Most grateful I am to thee that it is gone before anyone else did see me in it!
Sir James: ‘Tis fortunate ‘twas only one- if thine feet had got stuck in two of them who knows what might have happened?
Duenna Dominetta: Sir James, I must tell thee that Baron Largo ist gathering all his men together tonight for a secret mission.... but Vargas ist watching us.
Sir James: Ist he now...?
(Quickly Sir James picks up ye green shoe and with unerring aim throws it at Vargas, striking him dead.)
Sir James: May his sole rest in peace.
Duenna Dominetta: ...and doth thee approve of mine breast stroke?
Sir James: Most certainly,(aside) verily, there beith nothing I like to stroke more
.... ‘tis very practiced and accomplished, thine swims lieith a Man !
Duenna Dominetta : I do many things likeith a Man, I smoke, Know the off side rule and
sometimes do pee standing up ! ... Ow!!
Sir James: What ails thee, sweet Domino?
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis mine foot- ‘twould seem stuck in something in ye sand.
Sir James: Let me see.. oh, nay! ‘Tis that most dreaded of all foot complaints.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, not that! Thou canst not mean...?
Sir James: Aye- thine foot hast got caught inside a green training shoe.
Duenna Dominetta: Help me, Sir James, thou must help me!
Sir James: Of course- lie down, I prithee, in ye sand... now just relax....
(Carefully Sir James removes ye questionable item and tosses it onto ye sand.)
Duenna Dominetta: Most grateful I am to thee that it is gone before anyone else did see me in it!
Sir James: ‘Tis fortunate ‘twas only one- if thine feet had got stuck in two of them who knows what might have happened?
Duenna Dominetta: Sir James, I must tell thee that Baron Largo ist gathering all his men together tonight for a secret mission.... but Vargas ist watching us.
Sir James: Ist he now...?
(Quickly Sir James picks up ye green shoe and with unerring aim throws it at Vargas, striking him dead.)
Sir James: May his sole rest in peace.
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden: But thou art mad!
Sir James: 'Tis a fine madness.
(As they dance, Fiona sends one of her men behind ye band then walks up behind ye maiden.)
Fiona: Do you mind if I cut In ?
Maiden : I did not know your wife was here ! ( and exits )
Sir James : You pick your moments, I was in there.
Fiona : Ah, Thine funky farm fowl, my favourite. ( the music continues )
Sir James : I know from experience thee certainly has rhythm,..... and stamina
Ow!! .... Ow!! and apparently two left feet.
Fiona : I'll have you know I studied at the london Pineapple dance studios
Sir James : what at Crushing grapes ?, Killing Cockroaches ? ..... Ow !!
( The yeoman of Fiona, hides behind the Minstrels stage winces and draws out a crossbow )
Fiona : You can not escape Sir james, I have many men, in many positions
Sir James : so the writing on the privy wall wouldst attest to. ..... Ow !!
Wouldst thee try and put thine feet on the dance floor Once and awhile !
( The hidden yeoman winces again at Fiona's dancing .... )
Fiona : You do enjoy Thine dancing Sir James.
Sir James : Ow !! Usually. I have been complemented on my Ballatino before. Ow !!
( The Hidden yeoman, winces again and can take no more. He fires his Crossbow, the
arrow striking Fiona, He loved Dance too much to see her butcher it. Sir James moves
the body of Fiona to a near by table )
Sir james : Rest here Darling, You've been giving it large! perhaps a Grave Error ?
Drunk : She a light weight ?
Sir James : More of a Dead weight !
Act 6, Scene 1. Another beach.
(Baron Largo assembles his men. Unbeknownst to him, Sir James slays one of them and takes his place.)
Baron Largo: 'Tis time to depart on our mission, mine friends. Most proud am I of thine efforts thus far, and ye Comte de Blofeld sends his best wishes from back in Paris.
(His ears perking up, Sir James produces a quill and parchment and writes down "Comte de Blofeld, Paris" thinking that Sir Miles will be very pleased with this on his return.)
Baron Largo: Only one more task awaits, to retrieve ye great weapons and put them in place. Now, let us go! And, remember- no smoking.
(Baron Largo leads his men into ye ocean, Sir James among them. Sadly, ye parchment is soaked and the ink runs off- later Sir Miles is very unimpressed when Sir James shows it to him.)
(Much swimming and fighting beneath the sea.) - this is the bit I'm struggling with.
it being shown on the Tapestry on display at Castle McClory ?
Unless you (or anyone else of course) wants to work on the Shrublands sequence or anything else that isn't included at http://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806789/#p806789, I think that's about it for TB.
Fancy some YOLT...?
Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And then?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.
(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave.
(Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg)
Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips... er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
Lord Henderson: Of a great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him and...
(Lord Henderson ist slain)
...followed by the whole sequence where James chases the assassin to Osato's HQ, fights him, steals stuff from the safe, and runs out to where Aki is waiting. Since there isn't much dialogue I didn't work on this and would be very happy to see someone take it up.
Baron Largo: Now I have thee at mine mercy, Sir James. To quote the Minstrels
Thine red hot Chilli peppers, I've got something I want to put in ya.. This Blade!!
Sir James: Well, enjoy thineself. I notice thine blade is one of those new fangled
Wilkinson twin blades ?
Baron Largo : To double My pleasure !
(Duenna Dominetta comes up behind Baron Largo and stabs him in ye back with an arrow)
Largo : A shaft at mine Back, now that takes me back to my boarding school days, I fell so cold,
hath death brought its cold sting.
Sir james : Nay. thee hast thine hand in the ice bucket, next to thine cigars.
( Baron Largo uses his sword to destroy the ships wheel before he dies )
Duenna Dominetta: In faith, that I have slain him doth please me.
Sir James: No more than it doth please me. Now make haste Time to leave.
( They both jump in to the sea )
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)
(Useless information department- my band was once on a compilation CD with "The Red Hot Chili Pipers"
Just had a thought in the Bond dance with Fiona
After he says he has two left feet, could we add
" Then, Guilty feet have got no rhythm " the classic
George Michael song.
Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And then?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.
(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave.
(Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg)
Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips... er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
( secretly Sir James pours the drink out in to a plant pot )
Lord Henderson:Thee has never been to Japan before.?
Sir James : Once with Sir Miles but he has sworn Me to secrecy, all I can say it involves
Karaoke, a potters wheel, a Liverpool tunic, some Geisha girls and about three pounds of
Potato salad.
Lord Henderson: Interesting, I hath lived here almost all my life, Oh you couldn't just
witness this, It beith my last will and testament, doesn't do to put thses things off. You
never know ... I'm just canceling my Parchement of the month club and Asian Maiden of
the Month subscriptions.
Sir James : aye, ( Sir james doth sign the document ) What knowith you of this business ?
Lord Henderson: It involves a great trader..
Sir James : eh?
Lord Henderson: Sorry Sir james it beith not multi choice. A great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him and I knowith Tiger, he's the head of the local Secret Samurai
clan. He will set up a meeting But first I'd like to .....
Sir James : Yes, go on.
Lord Henderson: .......................................
Sir James : Please don't stand on ceremony
Lord Henderson: .....................................
Sir james : ( doth mover across to Lord Henderson, to see a dagger in his Back and ist slain )
..... They do have some strange customs in Japan.
( Sir james gives chase and kills the assassin, Finding a parchment on him.... )
Sir James : What beith this ?, an Employee parchment card. For Osato Apothecary Potions
Name : Stin Ki Pu, Occupation : Assassin and General Underling
Special Interests : Cooking Sushi, Growing giant Bonsai trees and May pole dancing.
..... Um! some other interesting items.
( A small sports carriage arrives and Lady Aki gestures for Sir James to Join her )
I thought we could leave out the fight at the office ( Unless anyone can write something
funny about it ) and have Bond find some documents on the assassin.