The ending is too rushed (James has to use his cigar/pipe/whatever to get Tiger inside) , and Osato has to be killed by the Comte, but I don't know how! Also, some funny business with various people having to move aside so James can see Blofeld might be nice (Hans of course, but we could make Osato, the cat, and others do the same).
Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist brought before the Comte.
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er...
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But now, for tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee. (Enter the Tiger Prince with Lady Kissy and ye Ninjas. Much fighting ensues. Exit the Comte de Blofeld.)
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Just an idea for when Bond tells Kissy to take a message to Tiger .....
Sir James : Take a message to Tiger Prince tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down.
Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that ?
Lady Kissy : Aye, I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, T'will be much
quicker.
( Later in the Chamber of Tiger Prince a young maiden arrives to depart her message )
Tiger Prince : Unpart to me thine Message....
Tiger Prince's yeoman : Quickly Fair maiden !
Lady Snogg : Sir James is going down, ass rimming needs more men for lots of action !
Tiger Prince : So Sir james has found the volcano and the lair of his prey, We leave at
once, Prepare our equipment and supplies !
Tiger Prince's yeoman : How did'st thy understand that message lord ?
Tiger Prince : Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist brought before the Comte. In a chamber full of
scribes with abacus, parchments and quills. On a throne surrounded by his underlings in
shadow sat the Comte .....
Guard : Wait here, Albion spy.
Sir James : Dost I need an appointment ?
Guard : Nay, Today is a Visitor tour day The Comte is almost Finished.
Comte : And that beith about it. Please leave via the marked exit through thee gift
shop. There beith some nice T-shirts and T-towels, and in fact Tea, So please no more
etchings, Farewell.
( The crowd doth exit .... Leaving Hans standing between Sir James and the Comte )
Comte : Hans, Move thy posterior, I can not see our guest !
( Hans moves over to were Osato stands .. )
Osato : AHH!!! Hans, you great German Oaf, you've stood on my foot ! get away ...
( Hans takes a step backwards and stands on the Comte's cat ..)
Pussy : "MEOOOOOOOOOOOW !!!!!!!!! "
Comte : HANS !!
Hans : Sorry My Comte, ( again stepping back, Stepping on Osato, again !)
Osato : Forsooth, How dare you sir, how very dare you ! My Bunion ! ( Pushing him off his foot )
Sir James : Would'st thee like me to call back ?
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Osato : A dream no more soon a reality !
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again. All I ask is
one little thing, Kill Naught,Naught,Seven. Tis a modest request is it not Hans ?
Hans : Aye Comte.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er... well... with my Bunion, I .....
Comte : SILENCE !! Enough of foot related excuses.
(The Comte stands and moves forward to address Sir James )
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But now, for tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee. Hans here is the one
to see about some rough shag, or perhaps you like it ready rubbed ?, Either dost not matter.
( Hans places Sir James's pipe and small lighted candle beside him ... )
Sir James : ( between puffs, on lighing his pipe ) You intend to create a war, for treasure.
Comte : More treasue than you could imagine.
Sir James : and Nothing can stop that now, I take it ?
Comte : Aye, the only possible danger is that lever to your right wich opens sections of the
Great wall surrounding this Lair, allowing lots of attacking yeomen an easy entry.
Sir James : Intresting.. ( suddendly his pipe begings to sparkle and hiss which he slides across
the floor ) .... Miniture Cannon ball, you should get a Blast out of it.
( It explodes as Sir James operates thee lever letting tens of Tiger Prince's men in side along with
Tiger Prince with Lady Kissy and ye Ninjas. Much fighting ensues.)
Comte : Hans, Osato take Sir James with us ! ( To my secret, secret lair ) through here.
( In a secret chamber The Comte produces a short sword )
Comte : This beith thine price for failure Sir James !!! .... ( The comte quickly dispatches
Hans !)
Comte : I beith an animal lover, no one steps on my pussy and gets away with it !!!
Osato : Yegads !! Verily, I did think that I wouldst be punished !
Comte : Yes, That reminds me " ( Osato is also stabbed )
Osato : Why my Comte ?
Comte : I'm an equal opportunities Villain, It wouldn't look good to the rest of the men if I
showed favourtism....... And Now You Sir James, will feel the length of my shaft in you ....
Sir James : ( raising an eye brow ) Well, enjoy yourself.
Comte : NO ! NO! no more sexual innuendos, " Goodbye Sir James "
( Suddendly a dagger flys through the air and knocks the sword from the Comte's hand and he
turns and runs away )
Sir James : I thank yee Tiger Prince but I must follow him
( Sir James persues The Comte )
..........................................................
..........................................................
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( Sir James persues The Comte )
Comte : Why doth this keep happening to me, I plan and scheme, Offer great employment
conditions But ....... T'is true, Bad things happen to good people. I must head to the Death
Garden to make my escape, just through this door...
Sir James : Not to fast Comte ! ( Sir james pushes him in the garden, and they doth fight )
Comte: Damn you,Damn you !!, I've only just watered and seeded this lawn !
Sir James : I thought you'd wet your Plants.
( Sir James reaches for some large fruit From an area marked as Helga's Garden
to beat the Comte about the head )
Comte : No, Not Helga's large Mellons !
Sir James : and to finish why not give peas a chance.......
( Sir James doth pour hundreds of peas in to the Comte's throat, untill he expires ! and
reaches for a rose to drop on the corpse !) ......... a prick by any other name.
Tiger Prince : He looks "Beet" Sir James.
Sir James : Aye, Should'st be soon pushing up the daisys.
( They run off and Sir James finds Lady kissy and they head for the shore ... )
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Sir James : Um!, I may just retire here.
Lady Kissy, But they'd never let you. How would'st Albion survive without you.
Sir James : True, but'st they would'st never find us.
( A shadow passes over the little boat, as a large ship anchors above them, its flag
displays the insignia " Sir Miles's Passion Wagon, if a rocking.... we're probably in a storm ". )
Sir Miles : Please welcome naught naught seven abord Fairest Moneypenny.
Moneypenny : Aye,Aye Sir. T'would be a pleasure.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I've edited that and the bit before into https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806790/#p806790 (and added a couple of jokes) despite laughing so much I could hardly type. TP, if I wore a hat I'd take it off to you- this was one of the weakest of Sir James's adventures and now I think it's one of the best (and craziest).
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Act 1, Scene 2. (In ye gambling tavern.)
Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want. I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er... no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell. Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- he ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning.
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game.
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second? (Sir Jimmy only smiles.)
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward : Or Me thinks, your Head attire ?
Sir Jimmy : Aye, ( Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward: Or methinks, your head attire?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, (Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head.) I did not think anyone could Tell...
Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want.Or some sort of "Loan Arranger" looking
For business. I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er... no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell. Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- With a couple of tramps ( Two beggars sit beside him )
He ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning. ( Some large stuffed animals also are
beside him, laughing he hands them to the beggers )
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game. After "Go Fish" and "Happy Families "
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy : Prey, what dost thee hold thyself ?
Lord Clarence: Thee Cards, Sir Jimmy
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second?
(Sir Jimmy only smiles.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 3. (In ye gambling tavern. A beauteous wench ist talking with Le Chiffre.)
Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy.
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Why, nay. Shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: I shalt tell thee when.
Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)
Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course. (In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time. (Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.
Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy. Good bone structure, Fantastic abs
an an arse to die for
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so. Here be some etchings of him in his younger Navy days.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Nay, except he used to have a slight Scottish accent, was about six inches taller
and left handed, with a Scotland forever tattoo .... nothing really ?
Le Chiffre: Once in Edinburgh I had a terrible time with Military Bands playing and
Marching, So I know what it be like to regret a Tattoo. Even fell down the steps of the castle.
Valerie : So thee are of Scottish desent
Le Chiffre: Aye.
Valerie: Why, Shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell thee when.
Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
( Sir Jimmy doth smack Lord Clarence on his bottom, who walks away giggling )
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Valerie : Oh ( Disappointed ) No Aston Martin Carriage then ?
Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)
Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course. And wouldst thee check under my bed, I'd sleep better
(In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time.
(Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: Bad loser eh ? He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
That's much better! This is unpromising source material, of course.
Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Le Chiffre.)
Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Thou hast heard.
Le Chiffre: Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.
Act 2, Scene 1. (Ye gambling tavern.)
Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain.
Clarence: Ah, ‘tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply. (Enter a steward.)
Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying? (Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately. (Lord Clarence exits, Enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name. Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy. (Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins. (Ye game continues. Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy ist beaten. An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco. (Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will- (Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees.
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.
Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Aye, Look upon this collection of Parchments from his chambre.
( She doth lay out a selection of parchment pages ... )
Valerie : Look how many times and ways he hath written Valerie, and James Hearts Valerie
Drawing of Us holding hands, with poems of love and admiration. Even a mix list of his
favourite minstrel love ballads.
Le Chiffre : Aye, He doth get a bit soppy ! Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Aye, Look upon this collection of Parchments from his chambre.
( She doth lay out a selection of parchment pages ... )
Valerie : Look how many times and ways he hath written Valerie, and James Hearts Valerie
Drawing of Us holding hands, with poems of love and admiration. Even a mix list of his
favourite minstrel love ballad. Most of them are composed by sir Justin of Bieber. Bond is clearly blinded and deafened by love.
Le Chiffre : Aye, He doth get a bit soppy ! Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.
Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain with a Slash !
Clarence: Ah," Slash for Gold " eh ? ‘tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply.
(Enter a steward.)
Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying?
(Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately.
(Lord Clarence exits, Enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name.
Sir Jimmy : Look Valerie, I'm wearing my best Hoes and that codpiece you commented on.
Valerie : I did say it t'was unusual.
Sir Jimmy : Aye, Not many could'st carry off, a Squirrel running in a wheel.
Le Chiffre: What about the Nuts.
Sir Jimmy : I do keep them well away from Him !
Le Chiffre:Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy : I makeith mine own luck.
Le Chiffre wins, I did think you had said Luck hath no memory ?
Sir Jimmy ; I don't remember saying that.
(Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins.
(Ye game continues. Le Chiffre full of smiles and Bon Ami, as Sir Jimmy occasionally, places
a peanut in his crotch .... Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy looks beaten ! )
Le Chiffre: You hath been Beaten !
Sir James : oft times, but so longith as there is a safe word, er? .. you mean this game. I
May suprise you yet, as I await word from my friends Lord Wonga and Lady QuickQuid.
( An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
(Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will-
(Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees, persued by an angry squirrel )
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 2.(Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Sir Jimmy searches his bag and finds a screwdriver labelled "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill". He hides his winnings behind the number on ye door just before Le Chiffre enters with Valerie and two henchmen, Basil and Zoltan.)
Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie: Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting...
Le Chiffre: Mayhap not, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him. Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)
Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these pliers, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money! (Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toenails with ye pliers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I do not like pain, but thou shalt get nothing out of me. Pain ist part of my job.
Le Chiffre: Mine too.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take these pliers and go ahead- do not restrain thineself. (Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s toes.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh!
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room. (Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful... (While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants. (Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.) Act 2, Scene 3.(Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Le Chiffre ist in a seat.)
Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil? (Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre. (Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables. (Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie. (Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Oh, Sir Jimmy! (They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)
Act 2, Scene 2. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Sir Jimmy searches his bag and finds a screwdriver labelled "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill". He hides his winnings behind the number on ye door just before Le Chiffre enters with Valerie and two henchmen, Basil and Zoltan.)
Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie:It was that or Stephanie Broadchest !... Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting... Saturday is usually Bath night.
Le Chiffre: Mayhap not, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him.
Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)
Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these Feathers and nail polish, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money!
(Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toenails with ye feathers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh! Ohh!! Ahh!!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I think you'l find we're made of stronger stuff.
Le Chiffre: Now the polish.. um ?... red Me Thinks.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
( Le Chiffre begins to paint Sir Jimmy's toes .... )
Sir Jimmy : No ! oh the shame of it all !
Le Chiffre : Give unto me thy winnings, or the Wig and dress wilst be next !!
Sir Jimmy : Ah !! To the right, to the right.... you've missed part of the cuticle
Le Chiffre : Don't force me to put you in Ladies under garments Sir Jimmy, TELL ME !!
Sir Jimmy : You beith an Animal ! you can't do this to me ... I'm British !
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take this lip stick, Mascara and go ahead- do not restrain thineself....... When Basil is done, even Valerie wilst not
recognise thee !
(Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s Face.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh! I doth have sensitive skin you beast !
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre : Could he hath purchased some furniture from the Lord Ikea ?
Valerie : Nay !
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room.
(Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee. That lipstick colour
just doesn't match your skin tone.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful...
(While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants.
(Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Le Chiffre ist in a seat.)
Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil?
(Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre.
(Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy : All right. I'm doing it, give me a chance,
Valerie : Sorry !
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables.
(Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie.
Sir James : Valerie thine shoe lace hath become undone.
(Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie:Hey, I beith wearing pumps ! .... Oh, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy : Come on over Valerie.
(They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Oh yes, and with this one that was I think harder than normal (ooh, er, missus) cos of the confined nature of the original.
Now..... (strokes white cat)....
IN SERVICE OF HER MAJESTY, MOST DISCREETLY
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James pulls a most comely wench from ye water.
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death. How may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila. (Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James. (They struggle, and Sir James overcomes the varlets. Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James.)
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers! (The carriage swerves and misses ye man.)
Sir James: Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.
Act 2, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
(Later, in ye casino.)
Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: In truth, thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Nothing more, nothing less.
This is another of the more unsatisfactory plays, with a lot of very short or missing scenes. Our standards have risen since this was written!
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James observers a most comely wench run in to the water.
Sir James : T'is a damsel in distress, I must make haste !
( Sir James doth quickly strip down to his red short swimming hoes , and runs "slowly"
in to thee water ) https://youtu.be/PldT2jq7ApM
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death. How may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(They struggle, and Sir James overcomes the varlets. Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and misses a man )
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa : Sorry Sir James !
( She quickly puts the carriage in reverse and hits the man )
Sir James:(aside) Good girl !....... Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
...
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
They move to a small boat.
First Varlet: Lie down!
Sir James: Wait... there’s no wench here.. unaccustomed I am to lying down unaccompanied, how doth it work?
Sir James lies down and the Varlet aims and throws his dagger. As the dagger speeds through the air, Sur James heaves the boat’s anchor and, with a mighty roar of “Waaay!” flings it at the Varlet’s Head.
Sir James: Verily thou should’st ne’er let a former naval commander ‘weigh!’ an anchor.
(They struggle, and Sir James flings the second varlet into a net.
Sir James: Hmm, unusually large thou art for a Nymphoris Polychlorus.
Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and misses a man )
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa : Sorry Sir James !
( She quickly puts the carriage in reverse. Slowly the horses back up, and in the fourteenth attempt, Contessa hits the man).
Sir James:(aside) Good girl !....... Verily, to the other fellow this ne’er happened.
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. From his carriage, Sir James observes a most comely wench run into ye water.
Sir James: ‘Tis a damsel in distress, I must make haste! (Sir James doth quickly strip down to his red short swimming hose, and runs "slowly" into ye water.) https://youtu.be/PldT2jq7ApM
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death- how may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: G'day- I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila. (Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James. (They move to a small boat.)
1st Varlet: Lie down!
Sir James: Wait... there’s no wench here... unaccustomed I am to lying down unaccompanied, how doth it work? (Sir James lies down and ye Varlet aims and throws his dagger. As the dagger speeds through the air, Sir James heaves ye boat’s anchor and, with a mighty roar of “Waaay!” flings it at the Varlet’s head.)
Sir James: Verily thou shouldst ne’er let a former naval commander ‘weigh!’ an anchor. (They struggle, and Sir James flings the second varlet into a net.)
Sir James: Hmm, unusually large thou art for a Nymphoris Polychlorus. (Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and narrowly misses a man studying his timepiece.)
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa: Sorry, Sir James! (She quickly puts the carriage in reverse. Slowly the horses back up, and on the fourteenth attempt, ye Contessa hits the man.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Good girl.......! Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.
Comments
The ending is too rushed (James has to use his cigar/pipe/whatever to get Tiger inside) , and Osato has to be killed by the Comte, but I don't know how! Also, some funny business with various people having to move aside so James can see Blofeld might be nice (Hans of course, but we could make Osato, the cat, and others do the same).
Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist brought before the Comte.
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er...
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But now, for tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee.
(Enter the Tiger Prince with Lady Kissy and ye Ninjas. Much fighting ensues. Exit the Comte de Blofeld.)
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Sir James : Take a message to Tiger Prince tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down.
Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that ?
Lady Kissy : Aye, I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, T'will be much
quicker.
( Later in the Chamber of Tiger Prince a young maiden arrives to depart her message )
Tiger Prince : Unpart to me thine Message....
Tiger Prince's yeoman : Quickly Fair maiden !
Lady Snogg : Sir James is going down, ass rimming needs more men for lots of action !
Tiger Prince : So Sir james has found the volcano and the lair of his prey, We leave at
once, Prepare our equipment and supplies !
Tiger Prince's yeoman : How did'st thy understand that message lord ?
Tiger Prince : Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.
scribes with abacus, parchments and quills. On a throne surrounded by his underlings in
shadow sat the Comte .....
Guard : Wait here, Albion spy.
Sir James : Dost I need an appointment ?
Guard : Nay, Today is a Visitor tour day The Comte is almost Finished.
Comte : And that beith about it. Please leave via the marked exit through thee gift
shop. There beith some nice T-shirts and T-towels, and in fact Tea, So please no more
etchings, Farewell.
( The crowd doth exit .... Leaving Hans standing between Sir James and the Comte )
Comte : Hans, Move thy posterior, I can not see our guest !
( Hans moves over to were Osato stands .. )
Osato : AHH!!! Hans, you great German Oaf, you've stood on my foot ! get away ...
( Hans takes a step backwards and stands on the Comte's cat ..)
Pussy : "MEOOOOOOOOOOOW !!!!!!!!! "
Comte : HANS !!
Hans : Sorry My Comte, ( again stepping back, Stepping on Osato, again !)
Osato : Forsooth, How dare you sir, how very dare you ! My Bunion ! ( Pushing him off his foot )
Sir James : Would'st thee like me to call back ?
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Osato : A dream no more soon a reality !
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again. All I ask is
one little thing, Kill Naught,Naught,Seven. Tis a modest request is it not Hans ?
Hans : Aye Comte.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er... well... with my Bunion, I .....
Comte : SILENCE !! Enough of foot related excuses.
(The Comte stands and moves forward to address Sir James )
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But now, for tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee. Hans here is the one
to see about some rough shag, or perhaps you like it ready rubbed ?, Either dost not matter.
( Hans places Sir James's pipe and small lighted candle beside him ... )
Sir James : ( between puffs, on lighing his pipe ) You intend to create a war, for treasure.
Comte : More treasue than you could imagine.
Sir James : and Nothing can stop that now, I take it ?
Comte : Aye, the only possible danger is that lever to your right wich opens sections of the
Great wall surrounding this Lair, allowing lots of attacking yeomen an easy entry.
Sir James : Intresting.. ( suddendly his pipe begings to sparkle and hiss which he slides across
the floor ) .... Miniture Cannon ball, you should get a Blast out of it.
( It explodes as Sir James operates thee lever letting tens of Tiger Prince's men in side along with
Tiger Prince with Lady Kissy and ye Ninjas. Much fighting ensues.)
Comte : Hans, Osato take Sir James with us ! ( To my secret, secret lair ) through here.
( In a secret chamber The Comte produces a short sword )
Comte : This beith thine price for failure Sir James !!! .... ( The comte quickly dispatches
Hans !)
Comte : I beith an animal lover, no one steps on my pussy and gets away with it !!!
Osato : Yegads !! Verily, I did think that I wouldst be punished !
Comte : Yes, That reminds me " ( Osato is also stabbed )
Osato : Why my Comte ?
Comte : I'm an equal opportunities Villain, It wouldn't look good to the rest of the men if I
showed favourtism....... And Now You Sir James, will feel the length of my shaft in you ....
Sir James : ( raising an eye brow ) Well, enjoy yourself.
Comte : NO ! NO! no more sexual innuendos, " Goodbye Sir James "
( Suddendly a dagger flys through the air and knocks the sword from the Comte's hand and he
turns and runs away )
Sir James : I thank yee Tiger Prince but I must follow him
( Sir James persues The Comte )
..........................................................
..........................................................
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Oh, yes.
Comte : Why doth this keep happening to me, I plan and scheme, Offer great employment
conditions But ....... T'is true, Bad things happen to good people. I must head to the Death
Garden to make my escape, just through this door...
Sir James : Not to fast Comte ! ( Sir james pushes him in the garden, and they doth fight )
Comte: Damn you,Damn you !!, I've only just watered and seeded this lawn !
Sir James : I thought you'd wet your Plants.
( Sir James reaches for some large fruit From an area marked as Helga's Garden
to beat the Comte about the head )
Comte : No, Not Helga's large Mellons !
Sir James : and to finish why not give peas a chance.......
( Sir James doth pour hundreds of peas in to the Comte's throat, untill he expires ! and
reaches for a rose to drop on the corpse !) ......... a prick by any other name.
Tiger Prince : He looks "Beet" Sir James.
Sir James : Aye, Should'st be soon pushing up the daisys.
( They run off and Sir James finds Lady kissy and they head for the shore ... )
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Sir James : Um!, I may just retire here.
Lady Kissy, But they'd never let you. How would'st Albion survive without you.
Sir James : True, but'st they would'st never find us.
( A shadow passes over the little boat, as a large ship anchors above them, its flag
displays the insignia " Sir Miles's Passion Wagon, if a rocking.... we're probably in a storm ". )
Sir Miles : Please welcome naught naught seven abord Fairest Moneypenny.
Moneypenny : Aye,Aye Sir. T'would be a pleasure.
YE ROYAL GAMBLING TAVERN
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Act 1, Scene 2. (In ye gambling tavern.)
Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want. I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er... no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell. Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- he ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning.
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game.
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second?
(Sir Jimmy only smiles.)
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward : Or Me thinks, your Head attire ?
Sir Jimmy : Aye, ( Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head )
Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)
Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward: Or methinks, your head attire?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, (Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head.) I did not think anyone could Tell...
Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want.Or some sort of "Loan Arranger" looking
For business. I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er... no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell. Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- With a couple of tramps ( Two beggars sit beside him )
He ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning. ( Some large stuffed animals also are
beside him, laughing he hands them to the beggers )
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game. After "Go Fish" and "Happy Families "
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy : Prey, what dost thee hold thyself ?
Lord Clarence: Thee Cards, Sir Jimmy
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second?
(Sir Jimmy only smiles.)
Act 1, Scene 3. (In ye gambling tavern. A beauteous wench ist talking with Le Chiffre.)
Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy.
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Why, nay. Shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: I shalt tell thee when.
Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)
Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course.
(In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time.
(Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.
https://s7.postimg.cc/7vtrvs97r/AA_OLD_MAN_3.jpg
Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy. Good bone structure, Fantastic abs
an an arse to die for
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so. Here be some etchings of him in his younger Navy days.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Nay, except he used to have a slight Scottish accent, was about six inches taller
and left handed, with a Scotland forever tattoo .... nothing really ?
Le Chiffre: Once in Edinburgh I had a terrible time with Military Bands playing and
Marching, So I know what it be like to regret a Tattoo. Even fell down the steps of the castle.
Valerie : So thee are of Scottish desent
Le Chiffre: Aye.
Valerie: Why, Shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell thee when.
Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
( Sir Jimmy doth smack Lord Clarence on his bottom, who walks away giggling )
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Valerie : Oh ( Disappointed ) No Aston Martin Carriage then ?
Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)
Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course. And wouldst thee check under my bed, I'd sleep better
(In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time.
(Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: Bad loser eh ? He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.
Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Le Chiffre.)
Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Thou hast heard.
Le Chiffre: Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.
Act 2, Scene 1. (Ye gambling tavern.)
Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain.
Clarence: Ah, ‘tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply.
(Enter a steward.)
Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying?
(Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately.
(Lord Clarence exits, Enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name. Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy.
(Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins.
(Ye game continues. Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy ist beaten. An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
(Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will-
(Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees.
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.
Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Aye, Look upon this collection of Parchments from his chambre.
( She doth lay out a selection of parchment pages ... )
Valerie : Look how many times and ways he hath written Valerie, and James Hearts Valerie
Drawing of Us holding hands, with poems of love and admiration. Even a mix list of his
favourite minstrel love ballads.
Le Chiffre : Aye, He doth get a bit soppy ! Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.
What do you think of my changes?
Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain with a Slash !
Clarence: Ah," Slash for Gold " eh ? ‘tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply.
(Enter a steward.)
Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying?
(Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately.
(Lord Clarence exits, Enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name.
Sir Jimmy : Look Valerie, I'm wearing my best Hoes and that codpiece you commented on.
Valerie : I did say it t'was unusual.
Sir Jimmy : Aye, Not many could'st carry off, a Squirrel running in a wheel.
Le Chiffre: What about the Nuts.
Sir Jimmy : I do keep them well away from Him !
Le Chiffre:Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy : I makeith mine own luck.
Le Chiffre wins, I did think you had said Luck hath no memory ?
Sir Jimmy ; I don't remember saying that.
(Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins.
(Ye game continues. Le Chiffre full of smiles and Bon Ami, as Sir Jimmy occasionally, places
a peanut in his crotch .... Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy looks beaten ! )
Le Chiffre: You hath been Beaten !
Sir James : oft times, but so longith as there is a safe word, er? .. you mean this game. I
May suprise you yet, as I await word from my friends Lord Wonga and Lady QuickQuid.
( An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
(Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will-
(Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees, persued by an angry squirrel )
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.
Act 2, Scene 2. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Sir Jimmy searches his bag and finds a screwdriver labelled "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill". He hides his winnings behind the number on ye door just before Le Chiffre enters with Valerie and two henchmen, Basil and Zoltan.)
Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie: Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting...
Le Chiffre: Mayhap not, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him.
Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)
Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these pliers, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money!
(Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toenails with ye pliers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I do not like pain, but thou shalt get nothing out of me. Pain ist part of my job.
Le Chiffre: Mine too.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take these pliers and go ahead- do not restrain thineself.
(Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s toes.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh!
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room.
(Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful...
(While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants.
(Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.)
Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Le Chiffre ist in a seat.)
Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil?
(Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre.
(Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables.
(Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie.
(Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Oh, Sir Jimmy!
(They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)
Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie:It was that or Stephanie Broadchest !... Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting... Saturday is usually Bath night.
Le Chiffre: Mayhap not, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him.
Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)
Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these Feathers and nail polish, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money!
(Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toenails with ye feathers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh! Ohh!! Ahh!!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I think you'l find we're made of stronger stuff.
Le Chiffre: Now the polish.. um ?... red Me Thinks.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
( Le Chiffre begins to paint Sir Jimmy's toes .... )
Sir Jimmy : No ! oh the shame of it all !
Le Chiffre : Give unto me thy winnings, or the Wig and dress wilst be next !!
Sir Jimmy : Ah !! To the right, to the right.... you've missed part of the cuticle
Le Chiffre : Don't force me to put you in Ladies under garments Sir Jimmy, TELL ME !!
Sir Jimmy : You beith an Animal ! you can't do this to me ... I'm British !
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take this lip stick, Mascara and go ahead- do not restrain thineself....... When Basil is done, even Valerie wilst not
recognise thee !
(Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s Face.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh! I doth have sensitive skin you beast !
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre : Could he hath purchased some furniture from the Lord Ikea ?
Valerie : Nay !
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room.
(Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee. That lipstick colour
just doesn't match your skin tone.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful...
(While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants.
(Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.)
Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil?
(Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre.
(Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy : All right. I'm doing it, give me a chance,
Valerie : Sorry !
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables.
(Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie.
Sir James : Valerie thine shoe lace hath become undone.
(Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie:Hey, I beith wearing pumps ! .... Oh, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy : Come on over Valerie.
(They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)
Now..... (strokes white cat)....
IN SERVICE OF HER MAJESTY, MOST DISCREETLY
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James pulls a most comely wench from ye water.
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death. How may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(They struggle, and Sir James overcomes the varlets. Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James.)
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
(The carriage swerves and misses ye man.)
Sir James: Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.
Act 2, Scene 1. A gaming house.
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
(Later, in ye casino.)
Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: In truth, thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Nothing more, nothing less.
This is another of the more unsatisfactory plays, with a lot of very short or missing scenes. Our standards have risen since this was written!
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James observers a most comely wench run in to the water.
Sir James : T'is a damsel in distress, I must make haste !
( Sir James doth quickly strip down to his red short swimming hoes , and runs "slowly"
in to thee water )
https://youtu.be/PldT2jq7ApM
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death. How may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(They struggle, and Sir James overcomes the varlets. Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and misses a man )
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa : Sorry Sir James !
( She quickly puts the carriage in reverse and hits the man )
Sir James:(aside) Good girl !....... Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.
Sir James doesn't miss the man in green trainers, but many do.
For reference: https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806792/#p806792 is where the evolving version of this can be read.
+1
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
They move to a small boat.
First Varlet: Lie down!
Sir James: Wait... there’s no wench here.. unaccustomed I am to lying down unaccompanied, how doth it work?
Sir James lies down and the Varlet aims and throws his dagger. As the dagger speeds through the air, Sur James heaves the boat’s anchor and, with a mighty roar of “Waaay!” flings it at the Varlet’s Head.
Sir James: Verily thou should’st ne’er let a former naval commander ‘weigh!’ an anchor.
(They struggle, and Sir James flings the second varlet into a net.
Sir James: Hmm, unusually large thou art for a Nymphoris Polychlorus.
Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and misses a man )
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa : Sorry Sir James !
( She quickly puts the carriage in reverse. Slowly the horses back up, and in the fourteenth attempt, Contessa hits the man).
Sir James:(aside) Good girl !....... Verily, to the other fellow this ne’er happened.
Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. From his carriage, Sir James observes a most comely wench run into ye water.
Sir James: ‘Tis a damsel in distress, I must make haste!
(Sir James doth quickly strip down to his red short swimming hose, and runs "slowly" into ye water.)
https://youtu.be/PldT2jq7ApM
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death- how may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: G'day- I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(They move to a small boat.)
1st Varlet: Lie down!
Sir James: Wait... there’s no wench here... unaccustomed I am to lying down unaccompanied, how doth it work?
(Sir James lies down and ye Varlet aims and throws his dagger. As the dagger speeds through the air, Sir James heaves ye boat’s anchor and, with a mighty roar of “Waaay!” flings it at the Varlet’s head.)
Sir James: Verily thou shouldst ne’er let a former naval commander ‘weigh!’ an anchor.
(They struggle, and Sir James flings the second varlet into a net.)
Sir James: Hmm, unusually large thou art for a Nymphoris Polychlorus.
(Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and narrowly misses a man studying his timepiece.)
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa: Sorry, Sir James!
(She quickly puts the carriage in reverse. Slowly the horses back up, and on the fourteenth attempt, ye Contessa hits the man.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Good girl.......! Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.