Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Sir James: Yon white carriage outside- it seems more fitting for a lady.
Steward: You know a lot about carriages?
Sir James: Nay, I know a little about ladies.
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
(Later, in ye casino.)
Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa. (Ye Contessa flounces off. Sir James pays the croupier some money and follows her to the bar.)
Steward: A drink, sir?
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be but not stirred.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, Contessa Theresa.
Contessa Theresa: I am named for a saint, yet no saint am I.
Sir James: Nor I... yet. How art thee known to thine friends?
Contessa Theresa: Thou may call me “Tracy”, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, in truth thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Nothing more, nothing less.
Contessa Theresa: Come to mine chambers in five minutes- thou will find me in room Number 24. (Exit ye Contessa. Sir James waits five minutes then goes to room Number 24.)
Sir James: (Entering.) Tracy? (Alas, no fair lady ist there and Sir James ist assailed by a large formidable man. They do battle, Sir James breaking ye man’s nose before knocking him unconscious. Sir James makes to leave ye chambers but notices a tray by the door.)
Sir James: Hmm, deep-fried Mars bars- from north of ye Clyde! (He helps himself to one as he leaves, and returns to his own chambers only to find ye Contessa waiting there.)
Sir James: Full of surprises thou art!
Contessa Theresa: No more than thee, Sir James. (They embrace. After a discreet interval, Sir James awakes to find himself alone.)
Act 2 Scene 3. A hotel.
(Sir James is accosted by some familiar-looking varlets.)
1st Varlet: Sir James, thou shalt ride with us at once.
Sir James: Sorry, thou art not my type.
2nd Varlet: (Displaying a dagger.) Into our carriage, apace.
Sir James: Hmm, I see your point. (Sir James ist led to their carriage outside ye hotel.)
1st Varlet: In ye back shalt thou be seated, Sir James.
2nd Varlet: 'Tis a lot smoother ride in ye back, Sir James.
Sir James: Verily, in ye back shall I sit. (Sir James enters ye carriage.)
2nd Varlet: Hast thee a brother, Sir James? A brother have I. (Ye 1st Varlet rolls his eyes.)
Sir James: Nay, and most definitely no foster brother either. (They set off, ye 3rd Varlet driving.)
1st Varlet: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. To where art we headed? (There ist no reply.)
Sir James: Um, a mystery tour then?
1st Varlet: Aye, 'tis a magical mystery tour. I shalt be John, Chi-Chi here ist Paul, and this ist Ringo.
Sir James: Then I would have to be... oh, right. Hast thee brought any sandwiches?
1st Varlet: Thou shalt remain sandwiched between Chi-Chi and myself. Now, remain silent.
Sir James: But of course.
Prince Draco: I am ye father of Tracy, ye Contessa Theresa. I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: And here I stand.
Prince Draco: (Doubtful.) Hmm, art thou convinced of this?
Sir James: (Resignedly.) Verily, I am he. Truly.
Prince Draco: Sup with me, Sir James. Perhaps some XXXX or Fosters?
Sir James: Nay, I prefer mead- stir it not, though shaken it may be.
Prince Draco: It is my wish that thou shouldst take my daughter to wife. A dowry of one million pieces of gold shalt be thine.
Sir James: Nay, this sum I need not.
Prince Draco: I shalt buy thee an elephant for thine room!
Sir James: I thank'ee, most kind!
Prince Draco: Do not mention it...
Sir James: Mayhap, however, thee wouldst know where the Comte de Blofeld can be found?
Prince Draco: To a discreet servant of Her Majesty I would not speak though to mine kinsman I might. Next week ist mine birthday- Tracy will be there, may I suggest thou ist there also?
Sir James: Hmm... on this idea I shalt sleep.
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Sir James : Perhaps some shrimp and a Barbie, and some Fosters mead
Steward : An excellent choice ?
Sir James: Yon white carriage outside- it seems more fitting for a lady.
Steward: You know a lot about carriages?
Sir James: Nay, I know a little about ladies. And that it be parked in the lobby !
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
... an out ladies. And that it be parked in the lobby !
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
Sir James: Verily, I canst tell. A pair of green trainers are embedded in ye rear of you carriage.
Steward: Aye sire. Contessa Emmapeela ist staying at the inn, and stabled nearby is her trusty steed, named John, I believe.
Next week ist mine birthday, and each year on this day mine daughter visits me. Come join us, for we make merry sport. Tracey and some of mine varlets.. ahem, mine lords... shalt be sporting with bulls in a ring.
Sir James: How canst I turn down such an offer, sport?
Prince Draco: I am Prince Marc-Ange Draco, head of ye biggest crime syndicate in Europe.
Sir James: You run FIFA???
Prince Draco: ....second biggest then. I am ye head of the Union Corse.
Sir James: Ah, where Jim Davidson gets his jokes from.
Prince Draco: Nay, that would be the Union Coarse.
(If Jim D is too old fashioned, someone please come up with a more modern name)
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
(He enters Moneypenny's office, they banter and he pinches her bum. "Same old James only more so" or some variation)
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege, thou did send for me?
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to Sir Miles.
Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do. (Exit Sir James.)
Sir Miles: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Maid Moneypenny sits at her desk. The door opens and, from off, a cap doth spin across the chamber to land upon a cap stand.
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James! A nice new cap thou hast.
Sir James (from off): In truth, Maid Moneypenny, doth this likest the corks which artfully hang from its brim? I sewed them myself.
Sir James enters Moneypenny's office pinches her bum.
Maid Moneypenny: Same old Sir James... only more sew.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege...
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
(He enters Moneypenny's office, they banter and he pinches her bum. "Same old James only more so" or some variation)
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege, thou did send for me?
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James : Hath thee lost faith in mine abilities ?
Sir Miles : Nay, but thine unique skills art usless unless a target can be found !
Sir James : Struth Cobber ! Fair suck of the sav
Sir Miles : Be gone Naught Naught Seven.
( Sir James, Opens a tankard of Fosters mead and Imbibes )
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to That, That
... Wombat of a Drongo in there !
Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Sir James : Thee means " Pull a sikie ?" “fair dinkum” !
Moneypenny : ( looks Confused )
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.........
....... But thee couldn't walk after wards ! ( Winks ) Ripper .
(Exit Sir James.)
Sir Miles: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.
(All ideas to expand the above welcome)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 2. Ye birthday celebrations of Prince Draco.
(Contessa Theresa arrives and ist greeted by Olympe, Prince Draco's consort)
Olympe: 'Tis good thou art here, Tracy, thine father will be happy to see thee.
Contessa Theresa: I didst notice a familiar carriage outside, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin- perchance ist Sir James Bond here?
Olympe: Why yes, he ist with thine father.
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, I suspect mine father ist up to something- Olympe, thou must tell me all!
Olympe: Why, nay.
Contessa Theresa: Come with me...
Prince Draco: Ah, Sir James, most pleased am I to see you! Would thee like something to eat? We have fried bacon, fried sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes...
Sir James: A bit of everything, please, I'm a big fry spy guy.
Prince Draco: I am sure that Tracy willst be here soon. Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
(Bullfighting jokes?)
(Enter Contessa Theresa and Olympe. Olympe has a black eye.)
Prince Draco: Tracy, how glad am I to see thee! Look who ist here.
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Tracy.
Contessa Theresa: Drop dead, scumbag.
Prince Draco: Ah, she likes you! I can tell/I can see/I am sure (something along these lines to set up the line below)
Sir James: (Some play on "You must give me the name of your oculist")
Contessa Theresa: Olympe hast told me all, mine father. I demand that thee tell Sir James what he wishes to know.
Prince Draco: But Tracy...
Contessa Theresa: Tell him!
Prince Draco: (Resignedly.) Sir James... ye lottery numbers for Saturday will be 1, 7, 24...
Contessa Theresa: Not that!
Prince Draco: Okay, okay- ye Comte de Blofeld hast been corresponding with ye College of Arms in London. Thou should make enquiries there.
Sir James: Hmm, ye College of Arms...
Contessa Theresa: And now, Sir James, thou may go! Thou hast what thou wants! (Ye Contessa stomps off, hastily followed by Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art mistaken, Tracy. 'Tis thee that I want. (They kiss and make up. A famed trumpeter sings.)
Do your worst, gentlemen!
(I'm thinking of leaving out the Gumbold sequence and jumping straight to the College of Arms next, unless anyone has a good idea for it)
Prince Draco: ...Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
Sir James: Nay, I have seen that before. 'Tis yesterday's moos.
Prince Draco: And it would give you deja moo?
Sir James: I have no beef with that.
Act 3, Scene 2. Ye birthday celebrations of Prince Draco.
(Contessa Theresa arrives and ist greeted by Olympe, Prince Draco's consort)
Olympe: 'Tis good thou art here, Tracy, thine father will be happy to see thee. Where art thee parked
Contessa Theresa: Um ? .....It was very wet..... and Deep ?
Olympe : Ah yes, The Moat !
Contessa Theresa: I didst notice a familiar carriage outside, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin- perchance ist Sir James Bond here?
Olympe: Why yes, he ist with thine father. He's showing him a special stick, It comes back when
you throw it away !
Contessa Theresa: Amazing what these old wizards can do these days.
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, I suspect mine father ist up to something- Olympe, thou must tell me all!
Olympe: Why, nay.
Contessa Theresa: Come with me.......
Prince Draco: Ah, Sir James, most pleased am I to see you! Would thee like something to eat? We have fried bacon, fried sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes...
Sir James: A bit of everything, please, I'm a big fry spy guy.
Prince Draco: I am sure that Tracy willst be here soon. Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
I breed Bulls here, The Best the most ferocious, they know when it's feeding time.
( Prince Draco, thows a handful of hay in to the ring, a school of bulls swarm around forming
a feeding frenzy !)
Prince Draco : They can strip a man to the bones in minutes ! and smell a handful of hay from
half a mile away, These of course hath been trained.
Sir James : What about a barbecue ?
Prince Draco : No good, they cannot hold the utensils in their hoofs, But come the first fight is
about to begin. You should find this interesting, We art trying something new !
( They move to the main ring, where the rest of the guests had gathered...... )
Sir James : Why is't that bull on stilts,
Prince Draco : The steaks hath been raised with that one.
Sir James : That hyper Bull ?
Prince Draco : From the Tsar of Russia..
Sir James : Ah ! Red Bull.
Prince Draco : Please take this present, a special quill with a little bull on it .
Sir James : Ah, a Bull Pen.
Prince Draco : I'll admit it's not a stick, but twas short notice.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Hilary: Sir Hilary Bray am I, and I must impart to thee that the Comte de Blofeld doth command my services.
Sir James: Then in thine stead I must proceed.
Sir Hilary: Most surely. Thou canst borrow mine name, mine garments, and mine voice.
Sir James: Thine voice?
Sir Hilary: ....I think it would be best. Thou must go to Switzerland to meet the Comte. Do ye like Switzerland?
Sir James: Well, their flag is a big plus.
Could Draco say that a local Devil worshiper had told him Tracy was deeply in
love with James, to which he replies You must give me the name of your
"Occultist"
Dennis Wheatley be his name
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( Sir James alights a carriage, as Prince Draco and Contessa Theresa drive on )
Contessa Theresa: What could'st be better than being in love ?
Prince Draco : Sir James is't in love with thee ?
Contessa Theresa: Perhaps but even Friends with benifits wilst do for now.
( In the office of Lawyer Gumbold, Sir James, signals to an emissary of Albion, who doth
with use of block and tackle deposits a large case, which Sir James opens .... )
Sir James : G'day Mate ! if it isn't Paddy O Doors the famous Leprechaun burglar.
Dwarf : I be Happy to work with thee again Sir James ?
Sir James : Aye tis me. Make haste, we must be quick.
Dwarf : This be an Deadlock strong box, twill take me no time at all.
( Sir James waits looking trough some parchments in the chamber, finding some saucey
lithograph prints, of scantily clad maidens as the dwarf works on opening the strong box )
Dwarf : We're in Sir James
Sir James : Good work, now quickly scribe these interesting looking parchements
( The dwarf quickly scribes the parchments for Sir James )
Sir James : Now place them back and lock it again, we must make haste ! then back in the box
Dwarf : I don't wanna go back in the box
Sir James : You gotta go back in the box
Dwarf : I don't wanna....
( Sir James forces the dwarf in to the Box and sends it quickly down vis the block and tackle )
Sir James : Well, He made short work of that. ( Exits )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Oh dear God, that was so insane I feel obliged to continue!
Act 4, Scene 3. Sir James arrives at ye country estate of Sir Miles, Quartergill, and ist greeted by ye butler, Hammond.)
Hammond: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. How long is it now?
Sir James: (This is definitely a Thunderpussy reply.)
Hammond: I shalt take ye to the Admiral. Walk this way.
Sir James: If I could walk that way-
Hammond: Behave, now. (Hammond takes Sir James to ye study of Sir Miles, where ye Admiral ist indulging in his hobby.)
Now, what sort of hobby does Sir Miles have? Not butterflies....
Sir Miles: Anyway, I did think that thou were enjoying days of leisure. What brings thee here?
Sir James: Mine liege, new information I do have about ye whereabouts of the Comte de Blofeld- parchments found in ye offices of a lawyer called Gumbold, from ye Comte to ye College of Arms.
Sir Miles: Thou wert relieved of that case, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, sire, ‘tis true, but I now know where he can be found. He ist in Switzerland, on a mountain named Pizza Gloria.
Sir Miles: Hmm, good work. Thou can pursue this lead forthwith.
Act 4, Scene 3. Sir James arrives at ye country estate of Sir Miles, Quartergill, and ist greeted by ye butler, Hammond.)
Hammond: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. How long is it now?
Sir James: Almost five inches !
Hammond : Verily much longer, T'is a fine thick shaft as well.
Sir James : Aye, ..... Mine Highland Dirk has is a fine blade.
Hammond: I shalt take ye to the Admiral. Walk this way.
Sir James: If I could walk that way-
Hammond: Behave, now.
( They enter the private chamber of Sir Miles, as he examines a small painting )
Sir James : Unusually small for a Nymph's phallus and Polly curious ?
Sir Miles : I didn't know your expertise extended unto Nymph amd Parrot etchings
Naught,Naught,Seven ?
Sir James : Aye, I recently found an interesting example ( Sir James doth produce a parchment )
Sir Miles : A scantily clad young Maiden, um ?
Sir James : I did think it would add to your collection of er?.... ART ? and specialist gentlemen's
literature.
Sir Miles : Thank yee Sir James
Sir Miles : It would look good beside thine fine portrait of Dame Judi, after her tennis game.
as she walks away from the artist scratching her bottom, but unaware she hath not properly
put on her under garments.
Sir Miles : T'is a classic !
( Sir Miles places the Parchment on his desk )
Sir Miles: Anyway, I did think that thou were enjoying days of leisure. What brings thee here?
Sir James: Mine liege, new information I do have about ye whereabouts of the Comte de Blofeld- parchments found in ye offices of a lawyer called Gumbold, from ye Comte to ye College of Arms.
Sir Miles: Thou wert relieved of that case, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, sire, ‘tis true, but I now know where he can be found. He ist in Switzerland, on a mountain named Pizza Gloria.
Sir Miles: Hmm, good work. Thou can pursue this lead forthwith.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Of course it was DJD, when she was young and needed the work.
Next, Sir James heads to Pizza Gloria- it's open all four seasons- disguised (yeah, disguised...) as Sir Hilary Bray.
Act 4, Scene 2. In Switzerland, Sir James disguised as Sir Hilary ist met by Fraulein Irma Bunt.
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ?:) (She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein. (They set off through ye snow towards a high berg.)
Later, atop ye high berg.
Maybe Fraulein Irma can show Sir Hilary to his room? Then later he meets the girls at dinner.
1st Maiden: Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called B... er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: Hence thou ist an inferior Baron?
Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: With that accent????!!
Sir James: Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
(food fun? Someone could order a Pizza Pizza Gloria?).
Act 4, Scene 2. In Switzerland, Sir James disguised as Sir Hilary ist met by Fraulein Irma Bunt.
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ajb007/confused
(She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
(They set off through ye snow towards a high berg.)
Fraulein Irma: Sprichst du Deutsch ? Sir Hilary
( Sir James Smiles " It's about a quarter past ten I think " )
Fraulein Irma: I asked do you speak German ?
Sir James : Nein
Fraulein Irma: French perhaps ?
Sir James : Non, but I do Kiss that way.
Fraulein Irma: Then I shall address you in English, This entire Alp belongs to the Count, From
Base to ...... The top
Sir James : Count Basie is here, with the four tops ?
Fraulein Irma: Nein !!! please remove your ear muffs.
Sir James : Sorry dear lady your accent is rather difficult for me, what with my own, It be from
the south of Scotland.
Fraulein Irma: How far south ?
Sir James : About three thousand miles south.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( They arrive at the Castle........and enter the main vestibule )
Sir James : I must warn you Fraulein all these armed muscular men make me feel ......
Fraulein Irma: Sexually aroused, willing to give yourself up for nights of passion and wild
abandon ?
Sir James : I was going to say nervous.
Fraulein Irma: Oh ! ... just me then. The guards are needed, there are many bandits in the
mountains. They look for goats to steal and force tourists to listen to their close harmony
Yodeling ! look over there what do you see.
Sir James : High on a hill stands a lonley goatherd, Loud is the voice of the lonely goatherd
singing Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo ...... Aye I can hear how that could get irritating, the Hills
being alive with the sound of music.
Fraulein Irma: But not for long GUNTHER !!
( Herr Gunther fires his crossbow and the goatherd falls silent )
Fraulein Irma: Follow me Sir James, I shall show you your chambre, Gunther wilst carry thine
bags.
( The walk along many hallways until the reach a door )
Fraulein Irma: In here Sir James, I hope you approve
Sir James : Aye, I will give it a good review on AirBnB.
Fraulein Irma: I hath picked and placed all the decorations. I hath placed the rugs and Hung the
pictures. Like the great count, .... He is well hung No ?
Sir James : Sorry Fraulein, You probably know him better than I.
Fraulein Irma: You must ring this little bell if you wish to leave as the door will be locked at all times.
( Sir James was not concerned as he had seen the latch, and knew it could be easily unlocked )
Sir James : Thank you dear lady.
Fraulein Irma: Please dine with me tonight Sir James, I shall order you something special.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Sir James: Yon white carriage outside- it seems more fitting for a lady.
Steward: You know a lot about carriages?
Sir James: Nay, I know a little about ladies.
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
(Later, in ye casino.)
Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa.
(Ye Contessa flounces off. Sir James pays the croupier some money and follows her to the bar.)
Steward: A drink, sir?
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be but not stirred.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, Contessa Theresa.
Contessa Theresa: I am named for a saint, yet no saint am I.
Sir James: Nor I... yet. How art thee known to thine friends?
Contessa Theresa: Thou may call me “Tracy”, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, in truth thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Nothing more, nothing less.
Contessa Theresa: Come to mine chambers in five minutes- thou will find me in room Number 24.
(Exit ye Contessa. Sir James waits five minutes then goes to room Number 24.)
Sir James: (Entering.) Tracy?
(Alas, no fair lady ist there and Sir James ist assailed by a large formidable man. They do battle, Sir James breaking ye man’s nose before knocking him unconscious. Sir James makes to leave ye chambers but notices a tray by the door.)
Sir James: Hmm, deep-fried Mars bars- from north of ye Clyde!
(He helps himself to one as he leaves, and returns to his own chambers only to find ye Contessa waiting there.)
Sir James: Full of surprises thou art!
Contessa Theresa: No more than thee, Sir James.
(They embrace. After a discreet interval, Sir James awakes to find himself alone.)
Act 2 Scene 3. A hotel.
(Sir James is accosted by some familiar-looking varlets.)
1st Varlet: Sir James, thou shalt ride with us at once.
Sir James: Sorry, thou art not my type.
2nd Varlet: (Displaying a dagger.) Into our carriage, apace.
Sir James: Hmm, I see your point.
(Sir James ist led to their carriage outside ye hotel.)
1st Varlet: In ye back shalt thou be seated, Sir James.
2nd Varlet: 'Tis a lot smoother ride in ye back, Sir James.
Sir James: Verily, in ye back shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
2nd Varlet: Hast thee a brother, Sir James? A brother have I.
(Ye 1st Varlet rolls his eyes.)
Sir James: Nay, and most definitely no foster brother either.
(They set off, ye 3rd Varlet driving.)
1st Varlet: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. To where art we headed?
(There ist no reply.)
Sir James: Um, a mystery tour then?
1st Varlet: Aye, 'tis a magical mystery tour. I shalt be John, Chi-Chi here ist Paul, and this ist Ringo.
Sir James: Then I would have to be... oh, right. Hast thee brought any sandwiches?
1st Varlet: Thou shalt remain sandwiched between Chi-Chi and myself. Now, remain silent.
Sir James: But of course.
As always, all ideas welcome!
Prince Draco: I am ye father of Tracy, ye Contessa Theresa. I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: And here I stand.
Prince Draco: (Doubtful.) Hmm, art thou convinced of this?
Sir James: (Resignedly.) Verily, I am he. Truly.
Prince Draco: Sup with me, Sir James. Perhaps some XXXX or Fosters?
Sir James: Nay, I prefer mead- stir it not, though shaken it may be.
Prince Draco: It is my wish that thou shouldst take my daughter to wife. A dowry of one million pieces of gold shalt be thine.
Sir James: Nay, this sum I need not.
Prince Draco: I shalt buy thee an elephant for thine room!
Sir James: I thank'ee, most kind!
Prince Draco: Do not mention it...
Sir James: Mayhap, however, thee wouldst know where the Comte de Blofeld can be found?
Prince Draco: To a discreet servant of Her Majesty I would not speak though to mine kinsman I might. Next week ist mine birthday- Tracy will be there, may I suggest thou ist there also?
Sir James: Hmm... on this idea I shalt sleep.
Much room for expansion.
Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber. Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Sir James : Perhaps some shrimp and a Barbie, and some Fosters mead
Steward : An excellent choice ?
Sir James: Yon white carriage outside- it seems more fitting for a lady.
Steward: You know a lot about carriages?
Sir James: Nay, I know a little about ladies. And that it be parked in the lobby !
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
Act 2, Scene 1. A hotel.
... an out ladies. And that it be parked in the lobby !
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
Sir James: Verily, I canst tell. A pair of green trainers are embedded in ye rear of you carriage.
Steward: Aye sire. Contessa Emmapeela ist staying at the inn, and stabled nearby is her trusty steed, named John, I believe.
Sir James: How canst I turn down such an offer, sport?
Prince Draco: I am Prince Marc-Ange Draco, head of ye biggest crime syndicate in Europe.
Sir James: You run FIFA???
Prince Draco: ....second biggest then. I am ye head of the Union Corse.
Sir James: Ah, where Jim Davidson gets his jokes from.
Prince Draco: Nay, that would be the Union Coarse.
(If Jim D is too old fashioned, someone please come up with a more modern name)
Next, Sir James goes back to London.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
(He enters Moneypenny's office, they banter and he pinches her bum. "Same old James only more so" or some variation)
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege, thou did send for me?
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to Sir Miles.
Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.
(Exit Sir James.)
Sir Miles: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.
(All ideas to expand the above welcome)
Maid Moneypenny sits at her desk. The door opens and, from off, a cap doth spin across the chamber to land upon a cap stand.
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James! A nice new cap thou hast.
Sir James (from off): In truth, Maid Moneypenny, doth this likest the corks which artfully hang from its brim? I sewed them myself.
Sir James enters Moneypenny's office pinches her bum.
Maid Moneypenny: Same old Sir James... only more sew.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege...
Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.
(He enters Moneypenny's office, they banter and he pinches her bum. "Same old James only more so" or some variation)
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege, thou did send for me?
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James : Hath thee lost faith in mine abilities ?
Sir Miles : Nay, but thine unique skills art usless unless a target can be found !
Sir James : Struth Cobber ! Fair suck of the sav
Sir Miles : Be gone Naught Naught Seven.
( Sir James, Opens a tankard of Fosters mead and Imbibes )
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to That, That
... Wombat of a Drongo in there !
Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Sir James : Thee means " Pull a sikie ?" “fair dinkum” !
Moneypenny : ( looks Confused )
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.........
....... But thee couldn't walk after wards ! ( Winks ) Ripper .
(Exit Sir James.)
Sir Miles: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.
(All ideas to expand the above welcome)
Next, Sir James goes to...
Act 3, Scene 2. Ye birthday celebrations of Prince Draco.
(Contessa Theresa arrives and ist greeted by Olympe, Prince Draco's consort)
Olympe: 'Tis good thou art here, Tracy, thine father will be happy to see thee.
Contessa Theresa: I didst notice a familiar carriage outside, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin- perchance ist Sir James Bond here?
Olympe: Why yes, he ist with thine father.
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, I suspect mine father ist up to something- Olympe, thou must tell me all!
Olympe: Why, nay.
Contessa Theresa: Come with me...
Prince Draco: Ah, Sir James, most pleased am I to see you! Would thee like something to eat? We have fried bacon, fried sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes...
Sir James: A bit of everything, please, I'm a big fry spy guy.
Prince Draco: I am sure that Tracy willst be here soon. Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
(Bullfighting jokes?)
(Enter Contessa Theresa and Olympe. Olympe has a black eye.)
Prince Draco: Tracy, how glad am I to see thee! Look who ist here.
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Tracy.
Contessa Theresa: Drop dead, scumbag.
Prince Draco: Ah, she likes you! I can tell/I can see/I am sure (something along these lines to set up the line below)
Sir James: (Some play on "You must give me the name of your oculist")
Contessa Theresa: Olympe hast told me all, mine father. I demand that thee tell Sir James what he wishes to know.
Prince Draco: But Tracy...
Contessa Theresa: Tell him!
Prince Draco: (Resignedly.) Sir James... ye lottery numbers for Saturday will be 1, 7, 24...
Contessa Theresa: Not that!
Prince Draco: Okay, okay- ye Comte de Blofeld hast been corresponding with ye College of Arms in London. Thou should make enquiries there.
Sir James: Hmm, ye College of Arms...
Contessa Theresa: And now, Sir James, thou may go! Thou hast what thou wants!
(Ye Contessa stomps off, hastily followed by Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art mistaken, Tracy. 'Tis thee that I want.
(They kiss and make up. A famed trumpeter sings.)
Do your worst, gentlemen!
(I'm thinking of leaving out the Gumbold sequence and jumping straight to the College of Arms next, unless anyone has a good idea for it)
Prince Draco: ...Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
Sir James: Nay, I have seen that before. 'Tis yesterday's moos.
Prince Draco: And it would give you deja moo?
Sir James: I have no beef with that.
(Contessa Theresa arrives and ist greeted by Olympe, Prince Draco's consort)
Olympe: 'Tis good thou art here, Tracy, thine father will be happy to see thee. Where art thee parked
Contessa Theresa: Um ? .....It was very wet..... and Deep ?
Olympe : Ah yes, The Moat !
Contessa Theresa: I didst notice a familiar carriage outside, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin- perchance ist Sir James Bond here?
Olympe: Why yes, he ist with thine father. He's showing him a special stick, It comes back when
you throw it away !
Contessa Theresa: Amazing what these old wizards can do these days.
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, I suspect mine father ist up to something- Olympe, thou must tell me all!
Olympe: Why, nay.
Contessa Theresa: Come with me.......
Prince Draco: Ah, Sir James, most pleased am I to see you! Would thee like something to eat? We have fried bacon, fried sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes...
Sir James: A bit of everything, please, I'm a big fry spy guy.
Prince Draco: I am sure that Tracy willst be here soon. Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
I breed Bulls here, The Best the most ferocious, they know when it's feeding time.
( Prince Draco, thows a handful of hay in to the ring, a school of bulls swarm around forming
a feeding frenzy !)
Prince Draco : They can strip a man to the bones in minutes ! and smell a handful of hay from
half a mile away, These of course hath been trained.
Sir James : What about a barbecue ?
Prince Draco : No good, they cannot hold the utensils in their hoofs, But come the first fight is
about to begin. You should find this interesting, We art trying something new !
( They move to the main ring, where the rest of the guests had gathered...... )
Sir James : Why is't that bull on stilts,
Prince Draco : The steaks hath been raised with that one.
Sir James : That hyper Bull ?
Prince Draco : From the Tsar of Russia..
Sir James : Ah ! Red Bull.
Prince Draco : Please take this present, a special quill with a little bull on it .
Sir James : Ah, a Bull Pen.
Prince Draco : I'll admit it's not a stick, but twas short notice.
That's much better than my "bull" ideas!
Missing out the Gumbold scene, next up is...
Act 4, Scene 1. The College Of Arms.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Hilary: Sir Hilary Bray am I, and I must impart to thee that the Comte de Blofeld doth command my services.
Sir James: Then in thine stead I must proceed.
Sir Hilary: Most surely. Thou canst borrow mine name, mine garments, and mine voice.
Sir James: Thine voice?
Sir Hilary: ....I think it would be best. Thou must go to Switzerland to meet the Comte. Do ye like Switzerland?
Sir James: Well, their flag is a big plus.
love with James, to which he replies You must give me the name of your
"Occultist"
Dennis Wheatley be his name
( Sir James alights a carriage, as Prince Draco and Contessa Theresa drive on )
Contessa Theresa: What could'st be better than being in love ?
Prince Draco : Sir James is't in love with thee ?
Contessa Theresa: Perhaps but even Friends with benifits wilst do for now.
( In the office of Lawyer Gumbold, Sir James, signals to an emissary of Albion, who doth
with use of block and tackle deposits a large case, which Sir James opens .... )
Sir James : G'day Mate ! if it isn't Paddy O Doors the famous Leprechaun burglar.
Dwarf : I be Happy to work with thee again Sir James ?
Sir James : Aye tis me. Make haste, we must be quick.
Dwarf : This be an Deadlock strong box, twill take me no time at all.
( Sir James waits looking trough some parchments in the chamber, finding some saucey
lithograph prints, of scantily clad maidens as the dwarf works on opening the strong box )
Dwarf : We're in Sir James
Sir James : Good work, now quickly scribe these interesting looking parchements
( The dwarf quickly scribes the parchments for Sir James )
Sir James : Now place them back and lock it again, we must make haste ! then back in the box
Dwarf : I don't wanna go back in the box
Sir James : You gotta go back in the box
Dwarf : I don't wanna....
( Sir James forces the dwarf in to the Box and sends it quickly down vis the block and tackle )
Sir James : Well, He made short work of that. ( Exits )
Act 4, Scene 3. Sir James arrives at ye country estate of Sir Miles, Quartergill, and ist greeted by ye butler, Hammond.)
Hammond: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. How long is it now?
Sir James: (This is definitely a Thunderpussy reply.)
Hammond: I shalt take ye to the Admiral. Walk this way.
Sir James: If I could walk that way-
Hammond: Behave, now.
(Hammond takes Sir James to ye study of Sir Miles, where ye Admiral ist indulging in his hobby.)
Now, what sort of hobby does Sir Miles have?
Sir Miles: Anyway, I did think that thou were enjoying days of leisure. What brings thee here?
Sir James: Mine liege, new information I do have about ye whereabouts of the Comte de Blofeld- parchments found in ye offices of a lawyer called Gumbold, from ye Comte to ye College of Arms.
Sir Miles: Thou wert relieved of that case, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, sire, ‘tis true, but I now know where he can be found. He ist in Switzerland, on a mountain named Pizza Gloria.
Sir Miles: Hmm, good work. Thou can pursue this lead forthwith.
Hammond: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. How long is it now?
Sir James: Almost five inches !
Hammond : Verily much longer, T'is a fine thick shaft as well.
Sir James : Aye, ..... Mine Highland Dirk has is a fine blade.
Hammond: I shalt take ye to the Admiral. Walk this way.
Sir James: If I could walk that way-
Hammond: Behave, now.
( They enter the private chamber of Sir Miles, as he examines a small painting )
Sir James : Unusually small for a Nymph's phallus and Polly curious ?
Sir Miles : I didn't know your expertise extended unto Nymph amd Parrot etchings
Naught,Naught,Seven ?
Sir James : Aye, I recently found an interesting example ( Sir James doth produce a parchment )
Sir Miles : A scantily clad young Maiden, um ?
Sir James : I did think it would add to your collection of er?.... ART ? and specialist gentlemen's
literature.
Sir Miles : Thank yee Sir James
Sir Miles : It would look good beside thine fine portrait of Dame Judi, after her tennis game.
as she walks away from the artist scratching her bottom, but unaware she hath not properly
put on her under garments.
Sir Miles : T'is a classic !
( Sir Miles places the Parchment on his desk )
Sir Miles: Anyway, I did think that thou were enjoying days of leisure. What brings thee here?
Sir James: Mine liege, new information I do have about ye whereabouts of the Comte de Blofeld- parchments found in ye offices of a lawyer called Gumbold, from ye Comte to ye College of Arms.
Sir Miles: Thou wert relieved of that case, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, sire, ‘tis true, but I now know where he can be found. He ist in Switzerland, on a mountain named Pizza Gloria.
Sir Miles: Hmm, good work. Thou can pursue this lead forthwith.
Of course it was DJD, when she was young and needed the work.
Next, Sir James heads to Pizza Gloria- it's open all four seasons- disguised (yeah, disguised...) as Sir Hilary Bray.
Act 4, Scene 2. In Switzerland, Sir James disguised as Sir Hilary ist met by Fraulein Irma Bunt.
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ?:)
(She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
(They set off through ye snow towards a high berg.)
Later, atop ye high berg.
Maybe Fraulein Irma can show Sir Hilary to his room? Then later he meets the girls at dinner.
1st Maiden: Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called B... er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: Hence thou ist an inferior Baron?
Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: With that accent????!!
Sir James: Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
(food fun? Someone could order a Pizza Pizza Gloria?).
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ajb007/confused
(She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
(They set off through ye snow towards a high berg.)
Fraulein Irma: Sprichst du Deutsch ? Sir Hilary
( Sir James Smiles " It's about a quarter past ten I think " )
Fraulein Irma: I asked do you speak German ?
Sir James : Nein
Fraulein Irma: French perhaps ?
Sir James : Non, but I do Kiss that way.
Fraulein Irma: Then I shall address you in English, This entire Alp belongs to the Count, From
Base to ...... The top
Sir James : Count Basie is here, with the four tops ?
Fraulein Irma: Nein !!! please remove your ear muffs.
Sir James : Sorry dear lady your accent is rather difficult for me, what with my own, It be from
the south of Scotland.
Fraulein Irma: How far south ?
Sir James : About three thousand miles south.
Sir James : I must warn you Fraulein all these armed muscular men make me feel ......
Fraulein Irma: Sexually aroused, willing to give yourself up for nights of passion and wild
abandon ?
Sir James : I was going to say nervous.
Fraulein Irma: Oh ! ... just me then. The guards are needed, there are many bandits in the
mountains. They look for goats to steal and force tourists to listen to their close harmony
Yodeling ! look over there what do you see.
Sir James : High on a hill stands a lonley goatherd, Loud is the voice of the lonely goatherd
singing Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo ...... Aye I can hear how that could get irritating, the Hills
being alive with the sound of music.
Fraulein Irma: But not for long GUNTHER !!
( Herr Gunther fires his crossbow and the goatherd falls silent )
Fraulein Irma: Follow me Sir James, I shall show you your chambre, Gunther wilst carry thine
bags.
( The walk along many hallways until the reach a door )
Fraulein Irma: In here Sir James, I hope you approve
Sir James : Aye, I will give it a good review on AirBnB.
Fraulein Irma: I hath picked and placed all the decorations. I hath placed the rugs and Hung the
pictures. Like the great count, .... He is well hung No ?
Sir James : Sorry Fraulein, You probably know him better than I.
Fraulein Irma: You must ring this little bell if you wish to leave as the door will be locked at all times.
( Sir James was not concerned as he had seen the latch, and knew it could be easily unlocked )
Sir James : Thank you dear lady.
Fraulein Irma: Please dine with me tonight Sir James, I shall order you something special.
I don't see why not though. :007)