Act 4, Scene 3. Sir James arrives in Switzerland, and is greeted by ye baggy or swollen parts of a sail. On closer inspection, he realises it is a woman holding a card with "Sir Hilary Bray" written on it.
Sir James: Greetings, thou art looking for me?
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ?:) (She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Und Pass auf diesen Mann mit grünen Schuhen auf! (Schlag.) Zu spät.
Gunther: Entschuldigung, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Vergiss es. Sprichst du Deutsch, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: (Smiles.) It's about a quarter past ten, I think.
Fraulein Irma: I asked, do you speak German?
Sir James: I know a little German- wears green trainers and is obsessed with time.
Fraulein Irma: French perhaps?
Sir James: Non, but I do kiss that way.
Fraulein Irma: Then I shall address you in English. I am Fraulein Irma Bunt.
Sir James: (Looking even more confused.) My voice sounds a little strange today, perhaps ‘tis ye altitude.
Fraulein Irma: This entire alp belongs to the Count, base to the top.
Sir James: Count Basie is here, with the Four Tops?
Fraulein Irma: Nein!!! Please remove your ear muffs.
Sir James: Sorry, dear lady, your accent is rather difficult for me, what with my own being from ye south of Scotland.
Fraulein Irma: How far south?
Sir James: About three thousand miles south. (They arrive at an impressive castle castle on top of the berg.)
Sir James: I shalt be glad to have mine feet upon ye ground. (Sir James alights from ye sleigh and immediately slips.)
Sir James: 'Struth- I mean, oh dear!
Fraulein Irma: Not ground- ice!
Sir James: What a magnificent castle.
Fraulein Irma: It ist ye home of ye Comte de Blofeld. (They enter the heavily guarded main vestibule.)
Sir James: I must warn you, Fraulein, all these armed muscular men make me feel......
Fraulein Irma: Sexually aroused, willing to give yourself up for nights of passion and wild abandon?
Sir James: ...I was going to say nervous.
Fraulein Irma: Oh! ...just me then. Ye guards are needed, for there are many bandits in the mountains. They look for goats to steal and force tourists to listen to their close harmony yodelling- look over there, what do you see?
Sir James: High on a hill stands a lonely goatherd, loud is the voice of the lonely goatherd singing lay-ee-odl-ay-ee-odl-oo...... Aye, I can hear how that could get irritating, the hills being alive with the sound of music.
Fraulein Irma: But not for long- GUNTHER!!! (Herr Gunther fires his crossbow and the goatherd falls silent.)
Fraulein Irma: Follow me Sir Hilary, I shall show thee your chamber. Gunther willst carry thine bags. (They walk along many hallways until they reach a door labelled "007".)
Fraulein Irma: In here Sir Hilary, I hope you approve.
Sir James: Aye, I will give it a good review on AirBnB.
Fraulein Irma: I hath picked and placed all the decorations. I hath placed the rugs and hung the pictures. Like that of the great Count.... he is well hung, no?
Sir James: Sorry Fraulein, you probably know him better than I.
Fraulein Irma: You must ring this little bell if you wish to leave as the door will be locked at all times. (Sir James ist unconcerned, having seen ye latch and knowing it could be easily unlocked.)
Sir James: Thank you, dear lady.
Fraulein Irma: Please dine with me tonight, Sir Hilary, I shall order you something special.
Sir James: ‘Twill be mine pleasure.
(Later, Sir James in full Highland dress ist shown to a luxurious dining area where many most beautiful young maidens art seated.)
1st Maiden: (Scandinavian accent.) Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called B... er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: (Southern English accent.) Ah, hence thou ist an inferior Baron?
Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: (Northern English accent.) With that accent????!!
Sir James: (Aside.) Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
Fraulein Irma: Come, maidens, ‘tis time for dining. Sir Hilary please, sit here. I have ordered you a piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria.
Sir James: Sounds wonderful. (Sir James watches with interest as ye maidens receive their meals.)
Southern English Maiden: Mmm, delicious!
Sir James: Thine meal looks most interesting.
Southern English Maiden: ‘Tis ye new vegetable Sir Walter Raleigh did bring back from ye colonies across the sea- potatoes! They can be boiled or mashed or fried or chipped or baked, and I have some of each!
Sir James: And what do you have there, fair maiden?
Scandinavian Maiden: Ah, this is most delicious smalahove, which I now love. I have been working my way through ye different varieties- this ist Number 24.
Northern English Maiden: For me, ‘tis chicken. Strange, ne'er did I like it till I came here.
Sir James: And what ist thine name?
Northern English Maiden: I be called Ruby, Ruby Ba-
Fraulein Irma: No last names here, bitte! It is the rule of ye Count!
Sir James: But of course. (Ruby reaches under Sir James' kilt and writes her room number on his leg with a piece of woad. Sir James sits back in his chair, a strange expression on his face.)
Fraulein Irma: Ist anything ye matter, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: (Definitely TP's territory) (Sir James surreptitiously makes mental note of what he can judge about ye maidens. One ist from Australia, one from India, one from Japan, one from Scandinavia, one from Germany. There is one each from Scotland, Ireland and Wales. There is one from NW England, one from NE England, one from SE England, one from SW England, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the east, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the west, and so on- Sir James begins to suspect the BBC of being involved.)
Fraulein Irma: And now, Sir Hilary, 'tis time for the Count.
Sir James: Certainly! 1,2,3.... there are twenty of them, aren't there?
Fraulein Irma: What a quick study thou art. Gunther, take Sir Hilary to ye Comte.
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte:
We have to include a line about not recognising each other despite having met in YOLT.
A line for here..... ( Although I think "A slight stiffening coming on " ) is a classic )
and would just use it, but if not then here's my feebel schoolboy attempt.
"Anything the Matter Sir Hilary ?"
" A deep throbbing ! ....... In my hand. Dear lady "
"Can I offer some relief "
" No, I think my relief is already ... In Hand "
Could Sir James's kilt be very short so when he leaves the table he gives them a
"Basic Instinct " view. with one maiden saying " Um ... Bezants ! "
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld. A dark chamber, with shadows cast on its walls...
Sir James, quickly looks around at the tapestries and parchments on his desk )
Sir James : Designs for an alchemist's secret Laboratory, housed in a Volcano. Some Periodicals
for pampered Persian Pussies, and a motivational pamphlet on getting ye best from ye yeomen.
( Back light in a doorway comes a voice .... )
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte : Only to Confirm it, ( He crosses to a shelf with body parts in jars ) I feel it
in my Blood and in my Bones, in my Knees, toes and my perineum !
( Sir James, believes it to be a trick of the fire light But the Comte's shadow hadn't moved )
Sir James : Aye t'is strong evidence but we shalt need much more.
Comte : That yee shalt have in abundance, also I hath no ear lobes, a smug expression and
an overriding sense of self importance, all marks of the Aristocracy.
( The Comte lights more candles on his desk... )
Comte : Hath we met before, Yee Face is't familiar, Like trying to remember a life from a dream.
Sir James : I getith that all the time. When young I did'st some modeling for the Bayeux Tapestry.
For we could'st never hath met, as you are atop the world, Whilst I come from a land Down Under.
Comte: Very well, it is of no import. Take these parchments and scrolls and begin your work
Sir James : You may not be the reigning Comte......
Comte : I be. as I hath Killed all ........ I mean I believe that I an the only Surviving Member of
the line. After all those tragic accidents, involving many means of transport with no witnesses.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Nice, dark tone. Have added a little more Dracula:
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld. A dark chamber, with shadows cast on its walls. Sir James quickly looks around at the tapestries and parchments on ye desk.
Sir James: Hmmm... designs for an alchemist's secret laboratory, housed in a volcano... some periodicals for pampered Persian pussies.... tickets to Las Vegas... and a motivational pamphlet on getting ye best from ye yeomen. (From a doorway lit from behind comes a voice....)
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte: Only to confirm it! (He crosses to a shelf with body parts in jars.) I feel it in my blood and in my bones, in my knees, my toes and my perineum! (Sir James believes it to be a trick of the firelight, but the Comte's shadow hasn't moved.)
Comte: Some wine, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: Aye, to be sure. Won’t thee join me?
Comte: I never drink... wine. Lo, please examine these parchments.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis strong evidence but we shalt need much more.
Comte: That ye shalt have in abundance. And also I hath no ear lobes, a smug expression and an overriding sense of self importance, all marks of the aristocracy. (Ye Comte lights more candles on his desk for a clearer look at Sir James.)
Comte: Hath we met before, Sir Hilary? Thine face ist familiar, like trying to remember a life from a dream.
Sir James: I get’eth that all the time- when young, I didst some modeling for the Bayeux Tapestry. For we couldst never hath met, as you are atop the world whilst I come from a land Down Under.
Comte: Very well, it is of no import. Take these parchments and scrolls and begin thine work.
Sir James: You realise thee may not be the reigning Comte......
Comte: I most surely be, as I hath killed all...... I mean, I believe that I am the only surviving member of the line. After all those tragic accidents, involving many means of transport with no witnesses.
A line for here..... ( Although I think "A slight stiffening coming on " ) is a classic )
and would just use it, but if not then here's my feebel schoolboy attempt.
"Anything the Matter Sir Hilary ?"
" A deep throbbing ! ....... In my hand. Dear lady "
"Can I offer some relief "
" No, I think my relief is already ... In Hand "
Could Sir James's kilt be very short so when he leaves the table he gives them a
"Basic Instinct " view. with one maiden saying " Um ... Bezants ! "
Act 4, Scene 5. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Ye door silently opens and Sir James enters to find Ruby in bed.
Ruby: Sir Hilary, thou did find my... little message.
Sir James: Aye, ‘twas an uplifting idea thou did have- a true inspiration.
Ruby: Knowing that thee ist from ye College of Arms, I didst think thou could find out more about me.
Sir James: What a coincidence, for such ist mine plan! (Begins to disrobe.)
Ruby: I was wondering, is anything worn beneath thine kilt?
Sir James: Thou can be ye judge of that!
(A discreet interval later, as they lie asleep, the sound of a lute ist heard through a vent in a wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...again, Felix? Well, okay, but this time ‘tis my turn to get on t-
Ruby: Be silent, Sir Hilary, for this ist part of mine treatment. (Ye lute continues to play, as the voice of ye Comte ist heard singing through the vent.)
Comte: Oh chickens they are beautiful
Chickens they are swell
They are so sweet and pretty
And they taste good as well
They sound so pure and lovely
They’re everything to me
I love tandoori chicken
Or a chicken fricassee!
(Sir James sees that Ruby hast fallen into a deep sleep, and he quietly gets up and dresses.)
Sir James: (Exiting.) Give me Louis Armstrong any day...
(Back in his own bedchamber, Sir James prepares to disrobe again.)
German Maiden: Good evening, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: 'Struth, Sheila! Thou hast just about given me a heart attack!
German Maiden: Oh, I am most sorry. But, Sir Hilary, thine voice sounds different.
Sir James: Oh. (Adopts Sir Hilary's voice again.) Ahem, 'twas merely that thou didst startle me, fair maiden.
German Maiden: I didst come to ask thee about ye College.
Sir James: Thou coming here was a true inspiration. (Aside.) 'Twill need to be...
Act 4, Scene 6. Ye battlements of ye castle. Ye maidens make sport on the ice, watched over by Fraulein Irma, as Sir James enters.
Sir James: Good morning, everyone!
Fraulein Irma: Ah, good morning, Sir Hilary- thine stiffness, it ist gone?
Sir James: Oh definitely, thank you.
Ruby: Come join us, Sir Hilary! (Sir James joins ye maidens at their play. He doth notice ye Comte talking to a yeoman surrounded by guards.)
Yeoman: ...but I wast only climbing ye berg!
Comte: ‘Tis private property, thou canst not climb here. (Sir James recognises ye yeoman as in ye employ of Sir Miles, but ist unable to intervene.)
Comte: Take him away, apace! (Ye guards lead ye yeoman below.) Act 4, Scene 7. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Sir James enters quietly.
Sir James: Oh, Ruby.... (There ist a giggle from ye bed.)
Sir James: Ruby, ‘tis me, Hilly.... (Sir James draws back the cover to reveal ‘tis Fraulein Irma, rather than Ruby.)
Sir James: Aw, shi- (Gunther knocks Sir James unconscious.)
(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: ....I prithee, do not do that again Felix, ‘tis too sore... (Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen. Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens. Thine colleague did tell me all... before he left us.
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now I shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.
The end of Scene 6 must somehow be made funny. Bond denying knowing the Mi6-agent, much like he would deny knowing an illegitimate child or the mother? It's difficult....
Yes, I don't know what to do here. Also, there should be more talk between James and Blofeld (and possibly some fun with james joining the girls at their game).
Act 4, Scene 5. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Ye door silently opens and Sir James enters to find Ruby in bed.
Ruby: Sir Hilary, thou did find my... little message.
Sir James: Aye, ‘twas an uplifting idea thou did have- a true inspiration.
Ruby: Knowing that thee ist from ye College of Arms, I didst think thou could find out more about me.
Sir James: What a coincidence, for such ist mine plan! (Begins to disrobe.)
Ruby: I was wondering, is anything worn beneath thine kilt?
Sir James: Thou can be ye judge of that!
Ruby : Aye, All looks to be in working order !
(A discreet interval later, as they lie asleep, the sound of a lute ist heard through a vent in a wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...again, Felix? Well, okay, but this time ‘tis my turn to get on t-
Ruby: Be silent, Sir Hilary, for this ist part of mine treatment.
(Ye lute continues to play, as the voice of ye Comte ist heard singing through the vent.)
Comte: Oh chickens they are beautiful
Chickens they are swell
They are so sweet and pretty
And they taste good as well
They sound so pure and lovely
They’re everything to me
I love tandoori chicken
Or a chicken fricassee!
( Overheard in the Vent is another voice at the end ..... )
Yeoman : You really do hath a lovely voice Comte.
Comte : Nay, for the shower perhaps but ......
Yeoman : Nay my Comte, it Lord Simon of Cowell was't to hear thine voice, he make a boy Band around yee. All the Men sayith so.
Comte : Do they, um ! maybeith I should attend their Karaoke night,
Yeoman : You'd win for sure my leige, your version of "I wilst always love thee" you makeith that
ballad thine own.
(Sir James sees that Ruby hast fallen into a deep sleep, and he quietly gets up and dresses.)
Sir James: (Exiting.) Give me Louis Armstrong any day...
(Back in his own bedchamber, Sir James prepares to disrobe again.)
German Maiden: Good evening, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: 'Struth, Sheila! Thou hast just about given me a heart attack!
German Maiden: Oh, I am most sorry. But, Sir Hilary, thine voice sounds different.
Sir James: Oh. (Adopts Sir Hilary's voice again.) Ahem, 'twas merely that thou didst startle me, fair maiden. At such times, I use my old regimental accent.
German Maiden: I didst come to ask thee about ye College.
Sir James : I did a course on Media studies and ... Oh you mean the college of arms.
German Maiden : Truly.
Sir James: Thou coming here was a true inspiration. (Aside.) 'Twill need to be...
........ If you give me One's name, I could see if thee be related to a royal Household....
German Maiden : I'll give you my name in the morning, First I'd like to give you One now !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 6. Ye battlements of ye castle. Ye maidens make sport on the ice, watched over by Fraulein Irma, as Sir James enters.
Sir James: Good morning, everyone!
Fraulein Irma: Ah, good morning, Sir Hilary- thine stiffness, it ist gone?
Sir James: Oh definitely, thank you.
Ruby: Come join us, Sir Hilary! We art playing curling. ( She doth push her curl across the ice and
watch it stop )
Irish Maiden: You're a foot in Front.
Ruby : What did you call me you Bi'ach
(Sir James joins ye maidens at their play. He doth notice ye Comte talking to a yeoman surrounded by guards.)
Yeoman: ...but I wast only climbing ye berg!
Comte: ‘Tis private property, thou canst not climb here. I care not what Trip advisor states !
You shalt be sent down to the village below and wilst not return.
Yeoman : The Mayor shall hear of this how you treat tourists.
Comte : T'is of no concern, Of't the Mayor and villagers come up her, with torches and pitch forks
over one or other of my experiments, I hath grown weary of it
(Sir James recognises ye yeoman as in ye employ of Sir Miles, but ist unable to intervene.)
Comte: Take him away, apace!
(Ye guards lead ye yeoman below.)
Sir James : Comte, as I think I can say. If you're sending a carriage to the village I'd like to go.
I hath yet to send any post cards or bought a Toblerone.
Comte : No need there be plenty of Toblerones in our gift shop.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Yeoman: You'd win for sure mine leige, your version of "I Willst Always Love Thee" you make’eth that ballad thine own.
Comte: I wast thinking more of doing this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0
Yeoman: Hmm... not so sure about that.
C&D, would you mind giving a thought to the ski chase? You're good at those bits, and it's coming up just after this:
Act 4, Scene 7.Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Sir James enters quietly.
Sir James: Oh, Ruby.... (There ist a giggle from ye bed.)
Sir James: Ruby, ‘tis me, Hilly.... (Sir James draws back the cover to reveal ‘tis Fraulein Irma, rather than Ruby.)
Sir James: Aw, shi- (Sir James falls unconscious in shock, at the prospect of being in bed with Fraulein Irma.)
(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: (Mumbling.) ....hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix....(Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte de Blofeld: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen.
Sir James: Well, it works for Sir Clark of Kent.
Comte: Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens.
Sir James: And what art thou up to here, Comte?
(He discusses his evil scheme- any thoughts? The sillier the better- chickens hypnotised to take over farms? Exploding potatoes? Edible smalahove?)
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte de Blofeld: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now my men shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.
I think sir James should simply faint from the horrible shock of seing Bunt in bed, no Gunter needed.
Perhaps a mild heart attack would be in order, too.
And I when Bond wakes up he mumbles: "Hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix...."
Perhaps the Angels of Death have been hypnotized to speak their own mind and demand a say their lives? Can you you imagine...... society would unravel, kingdoms would fall, morals as we know it would disapear {[]
Pens and papers has been cunningly hidden in their makeup box. In the hands of a woman these are objects of Church mass destruction!
The hypnosis could kick in after the ladies rescieve a messenger pidgon, but I think the trigger should be church bells and cannon fire. The count will of course make sure the hypnosis doesn't kick in anywhere near himself.
(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: (Mumbling.) ....hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix....(Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte de Blofeld: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen.
Sir James: Well, it works for Sir Clark of Kent.
Comte : ..and how thee occasionally slips in to a fake Antipodean accent.
( Sir James looks hurt )
Comte: Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens. Also thine Climbing colleague hast been most fortright in his announcments
of the geart naught, naught ,seven !
Sir James : Did'st he really say I was great ? that's really nice of him.... er I mean I know naught
of this Campbell person....... but he will report my whereabouts.
Comte : I think not, Before letting him go. I did make him swear he would'st not tell a soul. Even
shook pinkies on it. So NO! help will be forthcoming for yee.
( Sir James looks taken aback at the news )
Comte : So you see nothing shalt interfere with my plans,....... This Time !
Sir James: And what art thou up to here, Comte?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Well, the "Scandinavian girl" was later killed (in a movie) just across the fjord from me - I'm looking at the house right now...
Sir James: Greetings, thou art looking for me?
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ?:)
(She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Und Pass auf diesen Mann mit grünen Schuhen auf! (Schlag.) Zu spät.
Gunther: Entschuldigung, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Vergiss es. Sprichst du Deutsch, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: (Smiles.) It's about a quarter past ten, I think.
Fraulein Irma: I asked, do you speak German?
Sir James: I know a little German- wears green trainers and is obsessed with time.
Fraulein Irma: French perhaps?
Sir James: Non, but I do kiss that way.
Fraulein Irma: Then I shall address you in English. I am Fraulein Irma Bunt.
Sir James: (Looking even more confused.) My voice sounds a little strange today, perhaps ‘tis ye altitude.
Fraulein Irma: This entire alp belongs to the Count, base to the top.
Sir James: Count Basie is here, with the Four Tops?
Fraulein Irma: Nein!!! Please remove your ear muffs.
Sir James: Sorry, dear lady, your accent is rather difficult for me, what with my own being from ye south of Scotland.
Fraulein Irma: How far south?
Sir James: About three thousand miles south.
(They arrive at an impressive castle castle on top of the berg.)
Sir James: I shalt be glad to have mine feet upon ye ground.
(Sir James alights from ye sleigh and immediately slips.)
Sir James: 'Struth- I mean, oh dear!
Fraulein Irma: Not ground- ice!
Sir James: What a magnificent castle.
Fraulein Irma: It ist ye home of ye Comte de Blofeld.
(They enter the heavily guarded main vestibule.)
Sir James: I must warn you, Fraulein, all these armed muscular men make me feel......
Fraulein Irma: Sexually aroused, willing to give yourself up for nights of passion and wild abandon?
Sir James: ...I was going to say nervous.
Fraulein Irma: Oh! ...just me then. Ye guards are needed, for there are many bandits in the mountains. They look for goats to steal and force tourists to listen to their close harmony yodelling- look over there, what do you see?
Sir James: High on a hill stands a lonely goatherd, loud is the voice of the lonely goatherd singing lay-ee-odl-ay-ee-odl-oo...... Aye, I can hear how that could get irritating, the hills being alive with the sound of music.
Fraulein Irma: But not for long- GUNTHER!!!
(Herr Gunther fires his crossbow and the goatherd falls silent.)
Fraulein Irma: Follow me Sir Hilary, I shall show thee your chamber. Gunther willst carry thine bags.
(They walk along many hallways until they reach a door labelled "007".)
Fraulein Irma: In here Sir Hilary, I hope you approve.
Sir James: Aye, I will give it a good review on AirBnB.
Fraulein Irma: I hath picked and placed all the decorations. I hath placed the rugs and hung the pictures. Like that of the great Count.... he is well hung, no?
Sir James: Sorry Fraulein, you probably know him better than I.
Fraulein Irma: You must ring this little bell if you wish to leave as the door will be locked at all times.
(Sir James ist unconcerned, having seen ye latch and knowing it could be easily unlocked.)
Sir James: Thank you, dear lady.
Fraulein Irma: Please dine with me tonight, Sir Hilary, I shall order you something special.
Sir James: ‘Twill be mine pleasure.
(Later, Sir James in full Highland dress ist shown to a luxurious dining area where many most beautiful young maidens art seated.)
1st Maiden: (Scandinavian accent.) Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called B... er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: (Southern English accent.) Ah, hence thou ist an inferior Baron?
Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: (Northern English accent.) With that accent????!!
Sir James: (Aside.) Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
Fraulein Irma: Come, maidens, ‘tis time for dining. Sir Hilary please, sit here. I have ordered you a piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria.
Sir James: Sounds wonderful.
(Sir James watches with interest as ye maidens receive their meals.)
Southern English Maiden: Mmm, delicious!
Sir James: Thine meal looks most interesting.
Southern English Maiden: ‘Tis ye new vegetable Sir Walter Raleigh did bring back from ye colonies across the sea- potatoes! They can be boiled or mashed or fried or chipped or baked, and I have some of each!
Sir James: And what do you have there, fair maiden?
Scandinavian Maiden: Ah, this is most delicious smalahove, which I now love. I have been working my way through ye different varieties- this ist Number 24.
Northern English Maiden: For me, ‘tis chicken. Strange, ne'er did I like it till I came here.
Sir James: And what ist thine name?
Northern English Maiden: I be called Ruby, Ruby Ba-
Fraulein Irma: No last names here, bitte! It is the rule of ye Count!
Sir James: But of course.
(Ruby reaches under Sir James' kilt and writes her room number on his leg with a piece of woad. Sir James sits back in his chair, a strange expression on his face.)
Fraulein Irma: Ist anything ye matter, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: (Definitely TP's territory)
(Sir James surreptitiously makes mental note of what he can judge about ye maidens. One ist from Australia, one from India, one from Japan, one from Scandinavia, one from Germany. There is one each from Scotland, Ireland and Wales. There is one from NW England, one from NE England, one from SE England, one from SW England, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the east, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the west, and so on- Sir James begins to suspect the BBC of being involved.)
Fraulein Irma: And now, Sir Hilary, 'tis time for the Count.
Sir James: Certainly! 1,2,3.... there are twenty of them, aren't there?
Fraulein Irma: What a quick study thou art. Gunther, take Sir Hilary to ye Comte.
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld.
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte:
We have to include a line about not recognising each other despite having met in YOLT.
Definitely!
Do you speak French Non but I do kiss that way
German ? ... I know a little German. ... wears green trainers
And is obsessed with time.
( little is for comedy purposes only )
It helps if you know a little German...
and would just use it, but if not then here's my feebel schoolboy attempt.
"Anything the Matter Sir Hilary ?"
" A deep throbbing ! ....... In my hand. Dear lady "
"Can I offer some relief "
" No, I think my relief is already ... In Hand "
Could Sir James's kilt be very short so when he leaves the table he gives them a
"Basic Instinct " view.
Sir James, quickly looks around at the tapestries and parchments on his desk )
Sir James : Designs for an alchemist's secret Laboratory, housed in a Volcano. Some Periodicals
for pampered Persian Pussies, and a motivational pamphlet on getting ye best from ye yeomen.
( Back light in a doorway comes a voice .... )
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte : Only to Confirm it, ( He crosses to a shelf with body parts in jars ) I feel it
in my Blood and in my Bones, in my Knees, toes and my perineum !
( Sir James, believes it to be a trick of the fire light But the Comte's shadow hadn't moved )
Sir James : Aye t'is strong evidence but we shalt need much more.
Comte : That yee shalt have in abundance, also I hath no ear lobes, a smug expression and
an overriding sense of self importance, all marks of the Aristocracy.
( The Comte lights more candles on his desk... )
Comte : Hath we met before, Yee Face is't familiar, Like trying to remember a life from a dream.
Sir James : I getith that all the time. When young I did'st some modeling for the Bayeux Tapestry.
For we could'st never hath met, as you are atop the world, Whilst I come from a land Down Under.
Comte: Very well, it is of no import. Take these parchments and scrolls and begin your work
Sir James : You may not be the reigning Comte......
Comte : I be. as I hath Killed all ........ I mean I believe that I an the only Surviving Member of
the line. After all those tragic accidents, involving many means of transport with no witnesses.
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld. A dark chamber, with shadows cast on its walls. Sir James quickly looks around at the tapestries and parchments on ye desk.
Sir James: Hmmm... designs for an alchemist's secret laboratory, housed in a volcano... some periodicals for pampered Persian pussies.... tickets to Las Vegas... and a motivational pamphlet on getting ye best from ye yeomen.
(From a doorway lit from behind comes a voice....)
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte: Only to confirm it! (He crosses to a shelf with body parts in jars.) I feel it in my blood and in my bones, in my knees, my toes and my perineum!
(Sir James believes it to be a trick of the firelight, but the Comte's shadow hasn't moved.)
Comte: Some wine, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: Aye, to be sure. Won’t thee join me?
Comte: I never drink... wine. Lo, please examine these parchments.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis strong evidence but we shalt need much more.
Comte: That ye shalt have in abundance. And also I hath no ear lobes, a smug expression and an overriding sense of self importance, all marks of the aristocracy.
(Ye Comte lights more candles on his desk for a clearer look at Sir James.)
Comte: Hath we met before, Sir Hilary? Thine face ist familiar, like trying to remember a life from a dream.
Sir James: I get’eth that all the time- when young, I didst some modeling for the Bayeux Tapestry. For we couldst never hath met, as you are atop the world whilst I come from a land Down Under.
Comte: Very well, it is of no import. Take these parchments and scrolls and begin thine work.
Sir James: You realise thee may not be the reigning Comte......
Comte: I most surely be, as I hath killed all...... I mean, I believe that I am the only surviving member of the line. After all those tragic accidents, involving many means of transport with no witnesses.
All now in (plus another couple of lines I just thought of) at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806792/#p806792 And yes, the "stiffening" line is so good it had to stay!
Next bit, Sir James goes to Ruby's room. If I get the chance will start it off later, but feel free to beat me to that.
Ruby: Sir Hilary, thou did find my... little message.
Sir James: Aye, ‘twas an uplifting idea thou did have- a true inspiration.
Ruby: Knowing that thee ist from ye College of Arms, I didst think thou could find out more about me.
Sir James: What a coincidence, for such ist mine plan! (Begins to disrobe.)
Ruby: I was wondering, is anything worn beneath thine kilt?
Sir James: Thou can be ye judge of that!
(A discreet interval later, as they lie asleep, the sound of a lute ist heard through a vent in a wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...again, Felix? Well, okay, but this time ‘tis my turn to get on t-
Ruby: Be silent, Sir Hilary, for this ist part of mine treatment.
(Ye lute continues to play, as the voice of ye Comte ist heard singing through the vent.)
Comte: Oh chickens they are beautiful
Chickens they are swell
They are so sweet and pretty
And they taste good as well
They sound so pure and lovely
They’re everything to me
I love tandoori chicken
Or a chicken fricassee!
(Sir James sees that Ruby hast fallen into a deep sleep, and he quietly gets up and dresses.)
Sir James: (Exiting.) Give me Louis Armstrong any day...
(Back in his own bedchamber, Sir James prepares to disrobe again.)
German Maiden: Good evening, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: 'Struth, Sheila! Thou hast just about given me a heart attack!
German Maiden: Oh, I am most sorry. But, Sir Hilary, thine voice sounds different.
Sir James: Oh. (Adopts Sir Hilary's voice again.) Ahem, 'twas merely that thou didst startle me, fair maiden.
German Maiden: I didst come to ask thee about ye College.
Sir James: Thou coming here was a true inspiration. (Aside.) 'Twill need to be...
Sir James: Good morning, everyone!
Fraulein Irma: Ah, good morning, Sir Hilary- thine stiffness, it ist gone?
Sir James: Oh definitely, thank you.
Ruby: Come join us, Sir Hilary!
(Sir James joins ye maidens at their play. He doth notice ye Comte talking to a yeoman surrounded by guards.)
Yeoman: ...but I wast only climbing ye berg!
Comte: ‘Tis private property, thou canst not climb here.
(Sir James recognises ye yeoman as in ye employ of Sir Miles, but ist unable to intervene.)
Comte: Take him away, apace!
(Ye guards lead ye yeoman below.)
Act 4, Scene 7. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Sir James enters quietly.
Sir James: Oh, Ruby....
(There ist a giggle from ye bed.)
Sir James: Ruby, ‘tis me, Hilly....
(Sir James draws back the cover to reveal ‘tis Fraulein Irma, rather than Ruby.)
Sir James: Aw, shi-
(Gunther knocks Sir James unconscious.)
(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: ....I prithee, do not do that again Felix, ‘tis too sore... (Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen. Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens. Thine colleague did tell me all... before he left us.
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now I shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.
This is just functional, and needs jokes.
Ruby: Sir Hilary, thou did find my... little message.
Sir James: Aye, ‘twas an uplifting idea thou did have- a true inspiration.
Ruby: Knowing that thee ist from ye College of Arms, I didst think thou could find out more about me.
Sir James: What a coincidence, for such ist mine plan! (Begins to disrobe.)
Ruby: I was wondering, is anything worn beneath thine kilt?
Sir James: Thou can be ye judge of that!
Ruby : Aye, All looks to be in working order !
(A discreet interval later, as they lie asleep, the sound of a lute ist heard through a vent in a wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...again, Felix? Well, okay, but this time ‘tis my turn to get on t-
Ruby: Be silent, Sir Hilary, for this ist part of mine treatment.
(Ye lute continues to play, as the voice of ye Comte ist heard singing through the vent.)
Comte: Oh chickens they are beautiful
Chickens they are swell
They are so sweet and pretty
And they taste good as well
They sound so pure and lovely
They’re everything to me
I love tandoori chicken
Or a chicken fricassee!
( Overheard in the Vent is another voice at the end ..... )
Yeoman : You really do hath a lovely voice Comte.
Comte : Nay, for the shower perhaps but ......
Yeoman : Nay my Comte, it Lord Simon of Cowell was't to hear thine voice, he make a boy Band around yee. All the Men sayith so.
Comte : Do they, um ! maybeith I should attend their Karaoke night,
Yeoman : You'd win for sure my leige, your version of "I wilst always love thee" you makeith that
ballad thine own.
(Sir James sees that Ruby hast fallen into a deep sleep, and he quietly gets up and dresses.)
Sir James: (Exiting.) Give me Louis Armstrong any day...
(Back in his own bedchamber, Sir James prepares to disrobe again.)
German Maiden: Good evening, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: 'Struth, Sheila! Thou hast just about given me a heart attack!
German Maiden: Oh, I am most sorry. But, Sir Hilary, thine voice sounds different.
Sir James: Oh. (Adopts Sir Hilary's voice again.) Ahem, 'twas merely that thou didst startle me, fair maiden. At such times, I use my old regimental accent.
German Maiden: I didst come to ask thee about ye College.
Sir James : I did a course on Media studies and ... Oh you mean the college of arms.
German Maiden : Truly.
Sir James: Thou coming here was a true inspiration. (Aside.) 'Twill need to be...
........ If you give me One's name, I could see if thee be related to a royal Household....
German Maiden : I'll give you my name in the morning, First I'd like to give you One now !
Sir James: Good morning, everyone!
Fraulein Irma: Ah, good morning, Sir Hilary- thine stiffness, it ist gone?
Sir James: Oh definitely, thank you.
Ruby: Come join us, Sir Hilary! We art playing curling. ( She doth push her curl across the ice and
watch it stop )
Irish Maiden: You're a foot in Front.
Ruby : What did you call me you Bi'ach
(Sir James joins ye maidens at their play. He doth notice ye Comte talking to a yeoman surrounded by guards.)
Yeoman: ...but I wast only climbing ye berg!
Comte: ‘Tis private property, thou canst not climb here. I care not what Trip advisor states !
You shalt be sent down to the village below and wilst not return.
Yeoman : The Mayor shall hear of this how you treat tourists.
Comte : T'is of no concern, Of't the Mayor and villagers come up her, with torches and pitch forks
over one or other of my experiments, I hath grown weary of it
(Sir James recognises ye yeoman as in ye employ of Sir Miles, but ist unable to intervene.)
Comte: Take him away, apace!
(Ye guards lead ye yeoman below.)
Sir James : Comte, as I think I can say. If you're sending a carriage to the village I'd like to go.
I hath yet to send any post cards or bought a Toblerone.
Comte : No need there be plenty of Toblerones in our gift shop.
Yeoman: You'd win for sure mine leige, your version of "I Willst Always Love Thee" you make’eth that ballad thine own.
Comte: I wast thinking more of doing this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0
Yeoman: Hmm... not so sure about that.
C&D, would you mind giving a thought to the ski chase? You're good at those bits, and it's coming up just after this:
Act 4, Scene 7.Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Sir James enters quietly.
Sir James: Oh, Ruby....
(There ist a giggle from ye bed.)
Sir James: Ruby, ‘tis me, Hilly....
(Sir James draws back the cover to reveal ‘tis Fraulein Irma, rather than Ruby.)
Sir James: Aw, shi-
(Sir James falls unconscious in shock, at the prospect of being in bed with Fraulein Irma.)
(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: (Mumbling.) ....hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix....(Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte de Blofeld: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen.
Sir James: Well, it works for Sir Clark of Kent.
Comte: Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens.
Sir James: And what art thou up to here, Comte?
(He discusses his evil scheme- any thoughts? The sillier the better- chickens hypnotised to take over farms? Exploding potatoes? Edible smalahove?)
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte de Blofeld: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now my men shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.
Perhaps a mild heart attack would be in order, too.
Pens and papers has been cunningly hidden in their makeup box. In the hands of a woman these are objects of Church mass destruction!
Sir James: (Mumbling.) ....hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix....(Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte de Blofeld: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen.
Sir James: Well, it works for Sir Clark of Kent.
Comte : ..and how thee occasionally slips in to a fake Antipodean accent.
( Sir James looks hurt )
Comte: Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens. Also thine Climbing colleague hast been most fortright in his announcments
of the geart naught, naught ,seven !
Sir James : Did'st he really say I was great ? that's really nice of him.... er I mean I know naught
of this Campbell person....... but he will report my whereabouts.
Comte : I think not, Before letting him go. I did make him swear he would'st not tell a soul. Even
shook pinkies on it. So NO! help will be forthcoming for yee.
( Sir James looks taken aback at the news )
Comte : So you see nothing shalt interfere with my plans,....... This Time !
Sir James: And what art thou up to here, Comte?