1st Barker: Over here, lady! Test thine luck with mine water balloons!
2nd Barker: Nay, play at yon cards! (Lady Tiffany looks around at ye stalls and assorted acts, and settles on ye water balloons.)
1st Barker: Here we go, a winner every time! (Distributes water pistols.) Here ist a little lady, here ist a little man, and here ist... hmm, a big lady!
Lady Tiffany: Watch who thou art calling big, sunshine. (They fire their water pistols- the boy intently, Lady Tiffany carelessly. Surprisingly, she wins.)
1st Barker: A winner every time! Here ist thine prize. (He hands Lady Tiffany a stuffed toy, with an expensive timepiece and green shoes.)
Boy: Hey, that ist not fair! (Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit.)
If nobody has a good idea to replace the girl-turning-into-gorilla scene, then just straight to:
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.
Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.
Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh... (In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
If nobody has a good idea to replace the girl-turning-into-gorilla scene
This just occured to me....
(Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit. In a dimly-lit chamber, a crowd listens to a wizard, behind whom ist a steel cage.)
Wizard: Please be thee very quiet, ladies and gentlemen, very quiet. This ferocious 450lb gorilla was captured near Nairobi, South Africa, and ist believed to be part of a cruel inhuman experiment. This gorilla willst be locked into a steel cage and will change very slowly into... (Ye candles become dim and ye eager audience watches with horror.)
Roseanne Barr!
(Ye crowd runs shrieking to ye exits, except for a large sandy-haired man in a checked shirt who bounds joyously forward, and in ye confusion Lady Tiffany gives Lord Felix’s men ye slip.)
(Later...)
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.
Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.
Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh... (In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
Sir James: 'Tis poor Plenty. Methinks 'twas meant to be thee.
Lady Tiffany: Thou sounds like a constable! (Sir James casually slaps her across her face.)
Sir James; And thou art not ye type to turn ye other cheek- now, where wert thou told to take ye gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: ...I willst tell ye.
Lady Tiffany: Ye gemstones I have placed in yon strongbox there. I know not what happens to them thereafter.
Sir James: Then let us sit in thine carriage and see. (After a while, Yeoman Saxby arrives and collects ye contents of the strongbox. Sir James and Lady Tiffany follow his carriage as he rides to ye next waystation, where he stops to water and feed his horse.)
Sir James: ‘Tis Yeoman Saxby, I have met him before.
Lady Tiffany: Look, Sir James! (A distinguished-looking man pays the bill as Yeoman Saxby wanders off. Sir James quickly hides at ye back of the carriage before ye man drives off with Lady Tiffany following. Ye man drives ye carriage towards a far castle, with Sir James hiding at the rear. Lady Tiffany stops as ye carriage enters ye castle. The man ties ye carriage up in ye castle’s yard and enters through a door. After a moment, Sir James follows inside but ist met by some guards.)
Guard: Hey, stop there! Let me see thine parchments.
Sir James: (Waving his hand.) Thou dost not need to see mine parchments.
Guard: ...I dost not need to see thine parchments.
Sir James: This ist not ye man thou art looking for.
Guard: ...This ist not ye man we art looking for.
Sir James: He can go about his business.
Guard: ...He can go about his business. (Ye guards depart.)
Sir James: Hmm, ‘twould seem hanging about with ye Old Wizard hast taught me a trick or two- and given me a new hope.
Next, James meets a pleasant fellow called Klaus Herge.. Hergerschie... anyway, he's called Klaus but he can't be checking radiation shields and I don't know how to get round that.
Then Dr Metz who is definitely not attaching diamonds to a laser and I'm stuck here, too.
Could he be checking shields. In case of a sneak attack ? Or
Cod Pieces ?
" why are you not wearing yours ? "
" I've been waiting for you guys to find one big enough "
Or the fashion police.
Might the diamonds be used to make super hardened
Battering rams and weapons, giving superiority to the
Highest bidder ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Sir James continues down a corridor until he comes to a locked door as a man approaches, holding a key.)
Sir James: Greetings, I have not seen thee here before. Art thee new here?
Klaus: Three years have I toiled here- I be Klaus Hergerscheimer, from P Section. (Klaus unlocks ye door and Sir James follows him through.)
Sir James: And how are things in P Section?
Klaus: ‘Tis always ye same, checking on codpieces. Speaking of which, where ist thine?
Sir James: Er... I have been waiting for you guys to find one big enough.
Klaus: Thou should always wear one, in case of a sneak attack. Here, take this one meantime- ‘tis fortunate I carry spares.
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Klaus: Let me put it on for thee (Prepares to kneel before Sir James.).
Sir James: Nay, I can manage. (Klaus exits. Sir James walks to a door with a sign "Nothing going on here. Perfectly normal stuff. Keep walking", peers inside, then enters boldly. Ye man from ye carriage ist talking to a messenger.)
Distinguished Man:... tell him I now have enough gemstones for completion. (He spots Sir James inspecting a large wooden dragon's head, encrusted with gemstones.) Why art thou here?
Sir James: Everybody's got to be somewhere.
Man: Who art thee? What dost thee want?
Sir James: Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section. Checking on codpieces. And thou art...?
Man: Apothecary Wizard Metz- now go away!
Sir James: Metz... how doth thee spell that?
Metz: M, E.... Depart, thou irritating little man!
Sir James: Now, Apothecary Wizard Metz, there ist no need for such!
Metz: Go now!
Sir James: But of course. (Sir James exits. Through another door Klaus Hergerschiemer enters.)
Klaus: Greetings, I be Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section. (Apothecary Wizard Metz and his men turn to stare.)
Klaus: (Uncomfortable.) ....checking on codpieces?
(Outside ye castle, Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James runs out ye exit, with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.
I missed out the moonscape scene and moonbuggy chase, of course, and am now planning to skip the car chase (although there's room for a good joke when the car(riage) enters an alley on its right and emerges on its left) unless someone wants to have a go at writing those.
Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house.
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity. (Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must. (Sir James exits by ye window.)
For the moon buggy scene .... could sir James run through
A fake snow landscape, two men can't stop him as they can
Only move slowly because of the big snow shoes they're
Wearing.
He crosses to a newly developed NASA
Norwegian Advance sledging Association the N24
A Canon powered sledge, Bond pulls a lever marked fuse
Firing the Canon to make his escape ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(As Sir James makes his way to ye exit, ye alarm ist raised and he ist pursued by guards. He dives through ye nearest door, to find himself in a snowy landscape where soldiers are being trained in winter warfare.)
Guard: There he ist, stop him! (Ye soldiers in training move to apprehend Sir James, but art hampered by their ungainly snowshoes. Sir James leaps on board their sledge.)
Sir James: Hmm, ye latest from NASA- the Norwegian Advanced Sledging Association! ‘Tis the N24, a cannon powered sledge... (Sir James pulls a lever marked “fuse” as ye guards approach.)
Instructor: Get him off that, ‘tis not a toy! (Ye cannon fires, propelling the sledge and Sir James at lightning speed and through ye nearest wall to outside ye castle where Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James leaps from ye sledge and runs to ye carriage with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.
(They drive into ye city.)
Lady Tiffany: Thou canst drop me at ye next corner- goodbye and good luck.
Sir James: Relax, Lady Tiffany, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, I didst hear thou say that when thou wert asleep last night- at least I think it was "fix"...
Sir James: Ah... ;% (Their car ist accosted by some constables, signalling them to stop. Instead, Sir James doth steer down an alley with ye constables in pursuit.)
Lady Tiffany: Nay, 'tis too narrow!
Sir James: Worry not, I am accustomed to fitting big things into tight spaces.
Lady Tiffany: Only our horse could get through ahead!
Sir James: Lean over, apace, to thine right! (Sir James and Lady Tiffany lean to their right, causing ye carriage to tip over at just ye right angle to get through ye narrow passage ahead. Ye constables try also, but their carriage falls over, and Sir James and Lady Tiffany's carriage emerges from ye alley. On its left...)
Lady Tiffany: Er... how didst thou manage to enter on ye right and come out on ye left?
Sir James: 'Tis a trick I learned from observing many politicians.
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity. (Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must. (Sir James exits by ye window.) Act 4, Scene 4. A room atop a boarding house.
Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James : How can you both look so alike ? what magic is this.
Comte de Blofeld: Merely contouring make up and seductive lighting.
( a cat passes by sir James, he with speed Kicks it violently in to the face of "Another Comte de Blofeld" who
chokes to death on it )
Sir James : Death by Pussy ! ........ that be'ith how I want to go !
Comte De Blofeld : Enough !! Sir James, yet another mock heroic moment
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house
.
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: I hath yeomanry positioned all around.
Sir James : It be known you know ,many positions.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany : Tis a swich the three little pigs guarding the Wolf.
Sir James : Aye, and Hamilton is outside thee door, he be'ist very out of shape...... ye can hear him
huffing and a puffing.
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form, and we get complimentary tickets to see Sir Sammy Davis Jr
the famous Balladeer.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee,Lady Tiffany With Bars, bad food and Manacles !....
Lady Tiffany : .. .. The house of Commons ?
Sir James : .... though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Next, Kidd & Wint should try to kill James by burying him in a pipe, but he escapes with the help of a friendly rat...
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here... (Yeoman Wint knocks Sir James out, and the two drag him off...)
(Later, Sir James lies unconscious in a surprisingly well-lit pipe.)
Sir James: ....yes, Felix, just a little lower... oh, that's it.... (Awakes.) Where am I? What ist this? (He ist approached by a friendly rat.)
Sir James: One of us smells like Liberace's handkerchief... (Sniffs.) Oh, that would be me- mine apologies. (Sir James looks around.)
Sir James: I don't suppose thou knowest ye way to ye exit? (Ye rat scurries off. Sir James follows.)
(Ye rat scurries off, Sir James follows as he leads down ye tunnel, first turning right and then left.)
Sir James: Um, mayhap thou should enter politics... (Deeper into ye tunnel they go, till ye rat stops outside a door, indicating that Sir James should enter. He open ye door, to find ye Old Wizard and Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: Late as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas a bit of a rat race out there.
Old Wizard: Look ye into mine crystal ball, Naught Naught Seven. ‘Twould seem that ye Comte de Blofeld hast assumed ye identity of ye Whyte Duke, Willard, and ist controlling his empire while keeping ye Duke hostage at his summer mansion.
Lord Felix: (Aside.) ‘Tis on a ridge, about ten miles outside of town.
Old Wizard: We doth know that Yeoman Saxby hast been sent to slay ye Duke.
Sir James: Then go there we must, apace. Old Wizard, thou hast surpassed thineself this time.
Old Wizard: Nay, this trick I doth do for mine children at Yuletide.
Sir James: Would this be before or after ye turkey?
Old Wizard: Turkey? We prefer waterfowl.
Sir James: Waterfowl? Thou must be jesting!
old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my duck, Naught Naught Seven.
Act 4, Scene 5.(A palatial mansion of stone and glass. Sir James enters, and ist greeted by a most comely wench.)
Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi. (A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball! (Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper! (Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger! (Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I.
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening?
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all. (An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!
I can't help but think that TP would be much better with this scene- Bambi, Thumper, Willie, balls, breast stroke...
Act 4, Scene 5. (A palatial mansion of stone and glass. Sir James enters, and ist greeted by a most comely wench.)
Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi.
(A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.... The should call next door to Sir John Barrowman's abode, He too looks for...
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place. For thee this Duke could prove a Hazzard !
Sir James : I'll Mark Hazard, as noted.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball!
(Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Sir James : Damn, I should have kept Klaus's codpiece !
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper!
(Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger!
(Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I. British Intelligence
WW : Isn't that an oxymoron ?
Sir James : Cheeky git !! I ought to ....
Sir Felix : Steady James !!
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening? I see thee hast met my Friends Bambi and Thumper .
Sir James : Aye, Lovely girls, I bet once they hath found the right man, they'll soon settle down from
their wild ways. To do their wifely duties, of cooking, cleaning and seeing to the needs of a Man
WW : But they do not like men, Sir James !
Sir James : Tis true they seemed to dislike me. ( Sir James rubs his crotch )
WW : Any swelling ?
Sir James : Not for a while me thinks.
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all.
(An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I loved the Mark Hazard line, plus all the other improvements- I knew that scene was right up your street.
Act 4, Scene 7. A gaming house.
Lady Tiffany: Hail to thee, Old Wizard, hast thou heard tell of mine future from Lord Felix or Sir James?
Old Wizard: Nay, milady, of thee I have heard no tell.
Lady Tiffany: Thou hast good fortune with thine games, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: For this I have borne much anticipation. I crave thine attention! Now...
Lady Tiffany: (Aside.) Surely, yonder stands the Comte de Blofeld in feminine attire. Follow I must.
Comte de Blofeld: Caesar, I mean seize her, 2nd Naughty Man! Thine presence brings great pleasure, Lady Tiffany, for I had much dread of this tedious journey being a solitary one.
In ye room atop ye boarding house.
WW: So, I prithee, tell me what thou didst see, Sir James.
Sir James: Why, 'twas like ye head of a dragon, encrusted with many gemstones and...
WW: Canst thou draw it for me?
Sir James: But of course- I do have a licence to quill. (Sir James takes up pen and paper.)
Lord Felix: And what of Apothecary Wizard Metz, Whyte Duke?
WW: A most accomplished wizard in ye arts of warfare, though dedicated to peace. And how ye Comte de Blofeld got his hooks in him I shalt never know.
Lord Felix: Give me thine paper, Sir James... why, this ist disgusting! And probably anatomically impossible.
Sir James: Not that paper, Felix!
Lord Felix: Oh, sorry.
Sir James: It did look like this. (Displays his drawing.)
WW: Hmm, this would appear to be a great battering ram- encrusted with gemstones, ‘twould be impossible for any castle door to stand against it.
Lord Felix: And whomsoever didst possess this would gain victory in any siege.
WW: If Metz doth deserve one tenth of his reputation, ye power of that thing could be incredible.
Lord Felix: Mine men have found a tunnel, we shalt search it forthwith.
Sir James: And what of Lady Tiffany?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis better we find ye Comte de Blofeld first! (Lord Felix and his men depart.)
WW: ‘Twill be an auction, with supremacy in warfare going to ye highest bidder.
Sir James: Ye Comte must be using thine empire as a cover- he could be anywhere on this tapestry, from Memphis to Mobile, from Timbuctoo to Tennessee, from Russia with love, from Northern Ireland to Norway...
WW: Norway...? I have nothing in Norway!
Sir James: Ye tapestry says though dost have thine 24th installation there.
WW: Number 24 is in Norway?
Sir James: Either that, or I hath been grossly misinformed.
Well, next scene as follows. It's very short, could be expanded.
Act 4, Scene 8. All at sea.
Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger.
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand. (Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven. (Exit the Comte.)
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger.
I wouldst have thought a king at least would have been sent unto me.
Sir James : Sadly thee King, ist giving a performance twice nightly, at the castle with his rendering of many popular ballads.
Although he sends his regards in an Aloha from Hawaii.
Comte Blofeld : Oh ! "Don't be cruel."
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand. And Lady Tiffany has been most accommodating. Lets be borrow some items of lady's clothing which really suit me ......
..... Even helping with mine balloon modelling practice. Look upon my work
Naught, Naught, Seven.
Sir James : Well this be a snake obviously !
Comte Blofeld : I hath not started that one yet !! Behold here, A dog, a giraffe ....
Sir James : Or just another dog, with a long neck ?.... I think thee may hath Inflated, ........ thy skill levels ?
Although this Parrot looks well sick, .. as the youth wouldst put it.
( Sir James, releases the Balloon Parrot, with a loud Farting noise out of a window )
Comte Blofeld : Why didst thee do that ?
Sir James : He looked to be pinning for the fjords !
Comte Blofeld : Enough of this, I win, I hold all the Cards, the jokers and even those extra ones with the adverts on !
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte Blofeld : Bollocks !! and Double Poo !! Why du'st bad things happen to good people ?
( Sir James joins with Lord Felix in the fighting .... )
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
(Exit the Comte.)
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
( A crane begins to lower Comte Blofeld's small dingy in to the sea, Sir James, quickly dispatches the operator and takes command
of the control wheel )
Lady Tiffany : Where be'ith the Comte Sir James ?
Sir James : He's going down on the Dingy.
Lady Tiffany : Same with his Balloons, he was always happiest with something in his mouth to blow on !
Sir James : Move thine ass
Lady Tiffany : Pardon Sir James ?
Sir James : Encourage thine ass to pull the Comte's dingy upward. So I can place him over his Burning citadel
( with a slapped bottom the ass pulls the crane rope upwards as Sir James, swings it across the flames )
Lady Tiffany : I think a smart remake is called for Sir James ..
Sir James : Vey well, .... Um ? ..... Looks like he's gone to blazes !
Lady Tiffany : He's now just an Old Flame.
Sir James : Quickly now lets us rendezvous with Lord Felix and make our escape.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 9. A port. Sir James and Lady Tiffany prepare to board a ship.
Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised...
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest. I thank’ee, Whyte Duke. (Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin. Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear!
Act 4, Scene 9. A port. Sir James and Lady Tiffany prepare to board a ship.
Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised... BFFs Felix
( They have a goodbye embrace, and Sir James raises his left leg ... )
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest. I thank’ee, Whyte Duke.
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin. Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear! Thine Balls look enormous.
Yeoman Wint : Why thankee M'Lady nice of you to notice, we both work out and eat.....
Sir James : Faggots !
Yeoman Wint : How dare you sir, just because a man has an interest in musical theater you think ...
Sir James :Nay, in the Midlands of our great realm , those meat balls be called Faggots.
Yeoman Wint: Ah! I see, they are various meats, mainly a specially coloured liver, which we call " liver let dye "
we shall quickly prepare them, by lighting these small bundles of kindling to ...
Sir James : Faggots !
Yeoman Wint : How dare you sir just because a man takes a pride in his appearance, you assume ....
Sir James : Nay, a small bundle of sticks be know as a Faggot
Yeoman Wint : Really, most interesting !
Yeoman Kidd : and a favourite of all those from Albion, especially after a night of revelry . A curry !
with this huge white Ferrero Rocher , with added high class sparkler.
Lady Tiffany : Wonderful !and Mead ?
Yeoman Wint : Yes the finest , would'st you smell this Sir James
Sir James : Whom ever smelt it dealt it !
Yeoman Wint : Nay, My Cork
Sir James : Your what ?
Yeoman Wint : the mead cork,
Sir James : Oh Yes, although for such a meal, I hath expected some red mead.
Yeoman Wint : Alas only white doth we have, the wine cellar on ship is very far down and very damp.
Sir James : Buckfast abbey mead is RED ! and thine toilet water I hath smelled before
Yeoman Wint : Kidd doth like my smells and that toilet water be hard to come by, as the seat can oft times fall
on my head ! Have at you sir !
( He attacks Sir James, with a privy toilet chain hidden in his hoes )
Lady Tiffany : Oh be brave Sir James, ( as she sees Yeoman kidd approach Sir James )
Sir James : Have a drink Yeoman kidd ( He doth throw the bottle of mead at him, sending him falling back
in to the fire under his meaty balls, and jumps off ship to douse the flames )
Lady Tiffany : Look, Sir James, the curry has taken the white colour from the dessert, It be'ith not a big
white chocolate Ferraro rocher, with a sparkler in it, but a big BOMB with a lit fuse !!!
( Sir James grabs the bomb and uses the toilet chain to attach it to Yeoman Wint, Throwing him overboard
just before it explodes !)
Lady Tiffany : Good lord Sir James, what do we do now.
Sir James : Eat out I suppose.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
{[] And with that blast of inspired insanity, we're done! Thanks, TP, as ever it's been a pleasure writing with you.
Collected together at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/867471/#p867471 as "Long Live The Gemstones" but always open for more ideas, jokes etc to get incorporated into that or any other of our Shakespearian Bond parodies.
One thought has just crossed my mind (not a long journey, of course). One of the things that I have always loved about the Bond stories, especially Fleming, has been the evocative titles and some fun has been had converting them into Fakespeare. Thunderball becomes Ye Ball Of Thunder and The Spy Who Loved Me is here Ye Agent Of Discretion Who Held Me In Great Affection, for example. Full list at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/topic/47380/ajb-presents-william-shakespeares-james-bond-in/
For the life of me I couldn't come up with a good Fakespeare title for Die Another Day so it's just called Sir James 20, which of course is a reference to its working title. If anyone has any ideas please throw them in. And of course, if anyone has any better ideas for the other titles as well.
Comments
2nd Barker: Nay, play at yon cards!
(Lady Tiffany looks around at ye stalls and assorted acts, and settles on ye water balloons.)
1st Barker: Here we go, a winner every time! (Distributes water pistols.) Here ist a little lady, here ist a little man, and here ist... hmm, a big lady!
Lady Tiffany: Watch who thou art calling big, sunshine.
(They fire their water pistols- the boy intently, Lady Tiffany carelessly. Surprisingly, she wins.)
1st Barker: A winner every time! Here ist thine prize.
(He hands Lady Tiffany a stuffed toy, with an expensive timepiece and green shoes.)
Boy: Hey, that ist not fair!
(Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.
Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.
Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh...
(In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
This just occured to me....
(Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit. In a dimly-lit chamber, a crowd listens to a wizard, behind whom ist a steel cage.)
Wizard: Please be thee very quiet, ladies and gentlemen, very quiet. This ferocious 450lb gorilla was captured near Nairobi, South Africa, and ist believed to be part of a cruel inhuman experiment. This gorilla willst be locked into a steel cage and will change very slowly into...
(Ye candles become dim and ye eager audience watches with horror.)
(Ye crowd runs shrieking to ye exits, except for a large sandy-haired man in a checked shirt who bounds joyously forward, and in ye confusion Lady Tiffany gives Lord Felix’s men ye slip.)
(Later...)
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.
Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.
Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh...
(In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
Sir James: 'Tis poor Plenty. Methinks 'twas meant to be thee.
Lady Tiffany: Thou sounds like a constable!
(Sir James casually slaps her across her face.)
Sir James; And thou art not ye type to turn ye other cheek- now, where wert thou told to take ye gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: ...I willst tell ye.
Lady Tiffany: Ye gemstones I have placed in yon strongbox there. I know not what happens to them thereafter.
Sir James: Then let us sit in thine carriage and see.
(After a while, Yeoman Saxby arrives and collects ye contents of the strongbox. Sir James and Lady Tiffany follow his carriage as he rides to ye next waystation, where he stops to water and feed his horse.)
Sir James: ‘Tis Yeoman Saxby, I have met him before.
Lady Tiffany: Look, Sir James!
(A distinguished-looking man pays the bill as Yeoman Saxby wanders off. Sir James quickly hides at ye back of the carriage before ye man drives off with Lady Tiffany following. Ye man drives ye carriage towards a far castle, with Sir James hiding at the rear. Lady Tiffany stops as ye carriage enters ye castle. The man ties ye carriage up in ye castle’s yard and enters through a door. After a moment, Sir James follows inside but ist met by some guards.)
Guard: Hey, stop there! Let me see thine parchments.
Sir James: (Waving his hand.) Thou dost not need to see mine parchments.
Guard: ...I dost not need to see thine parchments.
Sir James: This ist not ye man thou art looking for.
Guard: ...This ist not ye man we art looking for.
Sir James: He can go about his business.
Guard: ...He can go about his business.
(Ye guards depart.)
Sir James: Hmm, ‘twould seem hanging about with ye Old Wizard hast taught me a trick or two- and given me a new hope.
Then Dr Metz who is definitely not attaching diamonds to a laser and I'm stuck here, too.
Cod Pieces ?
" why are you not wearing yours ? "
" I've been waiting for you guys to find one big enough "
Or the fashion police.
Might the diamonds be used to make super hardened
Battering rams and weapons, giving superiority to the
Highest bidder ?
(Sir James continues down a corridor until he comes to a locked door as a man approaches, holding a key.)
Sir James: Greetings, I have not seen thee here before. Art thee new here?
Klaus: Three years have I toiled here- I be Klaus Hergerscheimer, from P Section.
(Klaus unlocks ye door and Sir James follows him through.)
Sir James: And how are things in P Section?
Klaus: ‘Tis always ye same, checking on codpieces. Speaking of which, where ist thine?
Sir James: Er... I have been waiting for you guys to find one big enough.
Klaus: Thou should always wear one, in case of a sneak attack. Here, take this one meantime- ‘tis fortunate I carry spares.
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Klaus: Let me put it on for thee (Prepares to kneel before Sir James.).
Sir James: Nay, I can manage.
(Klaus exits. Sir James walks to a door with a sign "Nothing going on here. Perfectly normal stuff. Keep walking", peers inside, then enters boldly. Ye man from ye carriage ist talking to a messenger.)
Distinguished Man:... tell him I now have enough gemstones for completion. (He spots Sir James inspecting a large wooden dragon's head, encrusted with gemstones.) Why art thou here?
Sir James: Everybody's got to be somewhere.
Man: Who art thee? What dost thee want?
Sir James: Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section. Checking on codpieces. And thou art...?
Man: Apothecary Wizard Metz- now go away!
Sir James: Metz... how doth thee spell that?
Metz: M, E.... Depart, thou irritating little man!
Sir James: Now, Apothecary Wizard Metz, there ist no need for such!
Metz: Go now!
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James exits. Through another door Klaus Hergerschiemer enters.)
Klaus: Greetings, I be Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section.
(Apothecary Wizard Metz and his men turn to stare.)
Klaus: (Uncomfortable.) ....checking on codpieces?
(Outside ye castle, Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James runs out ye exit, with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.
Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house.
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)
A fake snow landscape, two men can't stop him as they can
Only move slowly because of the big snow shoes they're
Wearing.
He crosses to a newly developed NASA
Norwegian Advance sledging Association the N24
A Canon powered sledge, Bond pulls a lever marked fuse
Firing the Canon to make his escape ?
(As Sir James makes his way to ye exit, ye alarm ist raised and he ist pursued by guards. He dives through ye nearest door, to find himself in a snowy landscape where soldiers are being trained in winter warfare.)
Guard: There he ist, stop him!
(Ye soldiers in training move to apprehend Sir James, but art hampered by their ungainly snowshoes. Sir James leaps on board their sledge.)
Sir James: Hmm, ye latest from NASA- the Norwegian Advanced Sledging Association! ‘Tis the N24, a cannon powered sledge...
(Sir James pulls a lever marked “fuse” as ye guards approach.)
Instructor: Get him off that, ‘tis not a toy!
(Ye cannon fires, propelling the sledge and Sir James at lightning speed and through ye nearest wall to outside ye castle where Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James leaps from ye sledge and runs to ye carriage with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.
(They drive into ye city.)
Lady Tiffany: Thou canst drop me at ye next corner- goodbye and good luck.
Sir James: Relax, Lady Tiffany, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, I didst hear thou say that when thou wert asleep last night- at least I think it was "fix"...
Sir James: Ah... ;%
(Their car ist accosted by some constables, signalling them to stop. Instead, Sir James doth steer down an alley with ye constables in pursuit.)
Lady Tiffany: Nay, 'tis too narrow!
Sir James: Worry not, I am accustomed to fitting big things into tight spaces.
Lady Tiffany: Only our horse could get through ahead!
Sir James: Lean over, apace, to thine right!
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany lean to their right, causing ye carriage to tip over at just ye right angle to get through ye narrow passage ahead. Ye constables try also, but their carriage falls over, and Sir James and Lady Tiffany's carriage emerges from ye alley. On its left...)
Lady Tiffany: Er... how didst thou manage to enter on ye right and come out on ye left?
Sir James: 'Tis a trick I learned from observing many politicians.
All ideas welcome!
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)
Act 4, Scene 4. A room atop a boarding house.
Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James : How can you both look so alike ? what magic is this.
Comte de Blofeld: Merely contouring make up and seductive lighting.
( a cat passes by sir James, he with speed Kicks it violently in to the face of "Another Comte de Blofeld" who
chokes to death on it )
Sir James : Death by Pussy ! ........ that be'ith how I want to go !
Comte De Blofeld : Enough !! Sir James, yet another mock heroic moment
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
.
Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: I hath yeomanry positioned all around.
Sir James : It be known you know ,many positions.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany : Tis a swich the three little pigs guarding the Wolf.
Sir James : Aye, and Hamilton is outside thee door, he be'ist very out of shape...... ye can hear him
huffing and a puffing.
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for!
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form, and we get complimentary tickets to see Sir Sammy Davis Jr
the famous Balladeer.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee,Lady Tiffany With Bars, bad food and Manacles !....
Lady Tiffany : .. .. The house of Commons ?
Sir James : .... though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)
Next, Kidd & Wint should try to kill James by burying him in a pipe, but he escapes with the help of a friendly rat...
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
(Yeoman Wint knocks Sir James out, and the two drag him off...)
(Later, Sir James lies unconscious in a surprisingly well-lit pipe.)
Sir James: ....yes, Felix, just a little lower... oh, that's it.... (Awakes.) Where am I? What ist this?
(He ist approached by a friendly rat.)
Sir James: One of us smells like Liberace's handkerchief... (Sniffs.) Oh, that would be me- mine apologies.
(Sir James looks around.)
Sir James: I don't suppose thou knowest ye way to ye exit?
(Ye rat scurries off. Sir James follows.)
Sir James: Um, mayhap thou should enter politics...
(Deeper into ye tunnel they go, till ye rat stops outside a door, indicating that Sir James should enter. He open ye door, to find ye Old Wizard and Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: Late as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas a bit of a rat race out there.
Old Wizard: Look ye into mine crystal ball, Naught Naught Seven. ‘Twould seem that ye Comte de Blofeld hast assumed ye identity of ye Whyte Duke, Willard, and ist controlling his empire while keeping ye Duke hostage at his summer mansion.
Lord Felix: (Aside.) ‘Tis on a ridge, about ten miles outside of town.
Old Wizard: We doth know that Yeoman Saxby hast been sent to slay ye Duke.
Sir James: Then go there we must, apace. Old Wizard, thou hast surpassed thineself this time.
Old Wizard: Nay, this trick I doth do for mine children at Yuletide.
Sir James: Would this be before or after ye turkey?
Old Wizard: Turkey? We prefer waterfowl.
Sir James: Waterfowl? Thou must be jesting!
old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my duck, Naught Naught Seven.
And next Sir James meets Bambi + Thumper!
Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi.
(A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball!
(Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper!
(Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger!
(Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I.
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening?
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all.
(An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!
I can't help but think that TP would be much better with this scene- Bambi, Thumper, Willie, balls, breast stroke...
Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi.
(A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.... The should call next door to Sir John Barrowman's abode, He too looks for...
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place. For thee this Duke could prove a Hazzard !
Sir James : I'll Mark Hazard, as noted.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball!
(Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Sir James : Damn, I should have kept Klaus's codpiece !
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper!
(Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger!
(Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I. British Intelligence
WW : Isn't that an oxymoron ?
Sir James : Cheeky git !! I ought to ....
Sir Felix : Steady James !!
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening? I see thee hast met my Friends Bambi and Thumper .
Sir James : Aye, Lovely girls, I bet once they hath found the right man, they'll soon settle down from
their wild ways. To do their wifely duties, of cooking, cleaning and seeing to the needs of a Man
WW : But they do not like men, Sir James !
Sir James : Tis true they seemed to dislike me. ( Sir James rubs his crotch )
WW : Any swelling ?
Sir James : Not for a while me thinks.
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all.
(An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!
Sir James : ( on tasting ) I'm getting wood ...
Sir Donald : It's never got me that excited !
Sir James : ... and Forest fruits, definitely.
Act 4, Scene 7. A gaming house.
Lady Tiffany: Hail to thee, Old Wizard, hast thou heard tell of mine future from Lord Felix or Sir James?
Old Wizard: Nay, milady, of thee I have heard no tell.
Lady Tiffany: Thou hast good fortune with thine games, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: For this I have borne much anticipation. I crave thine attention! Now...
Lady Tiffany: (Aside.) Surely, yonder stands the Comte de Blofeld in feminine attire. Follow I must.
Comte de Blofeld: Caesar, I mean seize her, 2nd Naughty Man! Thine presence brings great pleasure, Lady Tiffany, for I had much dread of this tedious journey being a solitary one.
WW: So, I prithee, tell me what thou didst see, Sir James.
Sir James: Why, 'twas like ye head of a dragon, encrusted with many gemstones and...
WW: Canst thou draw it for me?
Sir James: But of course- I do have a licence to quill.
(Sir James takes up pen and paper.)
Lord Felix: And what of Apothecary Wizard Metz, Whyte Duke?
WW: A most accomplished wizard in ye arts of warfare, though dedicated to peace. And how ye Comte de Blofeld got his hooks in him I shalt never know.
Lord Felix: Give me thine paper, Sir James... why, this ist disgusting! And probably anatomically impossible.
Sir James: Not that paper, Felix!
Lord Felix: Oh, sorry.
Sir James: It did look like this. (Displays his drawing.)
WW: Hmm, this would appear to be a great battering ram- encrusted with gemstones, ‘twould be impossible for any castle door to stand against it.
Lord Felix: And whomsoever didst possess this would gain victory in any siege.
WW: If Metz doth deserve one tenth of his reputation, ye power of that thing could be incredible.
Lord Felix: Mine men have found a tunnel, we shalt search it forthwith.
Sir James: And what of Lady Tiffany?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis better we find ye Comte de Blofeld first!
(Lord Felix and his men depart.)
WW: ‘Twill be an auction, with supremacy in warfare going to ye highest bidder.
Sir James: Ye Comte must be using thine empire as a cover- he could be anywhere on this tapestry, from Memphis to Mobile, from Timbuctoo to Tennessee, from Russia with love, from Northern Ireland to Norway...
WW: Norway...? I have nothing in Norway!
Sir James: Ye tapestry says though dost have thine 24th installation there.
WW: Number 24 is in Norway?
Sir James: Either that, or I hath been grossly misinformed.
Act 4, Scene 8. All at sea.
Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger.
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand.
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
(Exit the Comte.)
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger.
I wouldst have thought a king at least would have been sent unto me.
Sir James : Sadly thee King, ist giving a performance twice nightly, at the castle with his rendering of many popular ballads.
Although he sends his regards in an Aloha from Hawaii.
Comte Blofeld : Oh ! "Don't be cruel."
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand. And Lady Tiffany has been most accommodating. Lets be borrow some items of lady's clothing which really suit me ......
..... Even helping with mine balloon modelling practice. Look upon my work
Naught, Naught, Seven.
Sir James : Well this be a snake obviously !
Comte Blofeld : I hath not started that one yet !! Behold here, A dog, a giraffe ....
Sir James : Or just another dog, with a long neck ?.... I think thee may hath Inflated, ........ thy skill levels ?
Although this Parrot looks well sick, .. as the youth wouldst put it.
( Sir James, releases the Balloon Parrot, with a loud Farting noise out of a window )
Comte Blofeld : Why didst thee do that ?
Sir James : He looked to be pinning for the fjords !
Comte Blofeld : Enough of this, I win, I hold all the Cards, the jokers and even those extra ones with the adverts on !
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte Blofeld : Bollocks !! and Double Poo !! Why du'st bad things happen to good people ?
( Sir James joins with Lord Felix in the fighting .... )
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
(Exit the Comte.)
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
( A crane begins to lower Comte Blofeld's small dingy in to the sea, Sir James, quickly dispatches the operator and takes command
of the control wheel )
Lady Tiffany : Where be'ith the Comte Sir James ?
Sir James : He's going down on the Dingy.
Lady Tiffany : Same with his Balloons, he was always happiest with something in his mouth to blow on !
Sir James : Move thine ass
Lady Tiffany : Pardon Sir James ?
Sir James : Encourage thine ass to pull the Comte's dingy upward. So I can place him over his Burning citadel
( with a slapped bottom the ass pulls the crane rope upwards as Sir James, swings it across the flames )
Lady Tiffany : I think a smart remake is called for Sir James ..
Sir James : Vey well, .... Um ? ..... Looks like he's gone to blazes !
Lady Tiffany : He's now just an Old Flame.
Sir James : Quickly now lets us rendezvous with Lord Felix and make our escape.
Great stuff, TP! Almost finished now.
Act 4, Scene 9. A port. Sir James and Lady Tiffany prepare to board a ship.
Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised...
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest. I thank’ee, Whyte Duke.
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin. Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear!
Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised... BFFs Felix
( They have a goodbye embrace, and Sir James raises his left leg ... )
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest. I thank’ee, Whyte Duke.
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin. Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear! Thine Balls look enormous.
Yeoman Wint : Why thankee M'Lady nice of you to notice, we both work out and eat.....
Sir James : Faggots !
Yeoman Wint : How dare you sir, just because a man has an interest in musical theater you think ...
Sir James :Nay, in the Midlands of our great realm , those meat balls be called Faggots.
Yeoman Wint: Ah! I see, they are various meats, mainly a specially coloured liver, which we call " liver let dye "
we shall quickly prepare them, by lighting these small bundles of kindling to ...
Sir James : Faggots !
Yeoman Wint : How dare you sir just because a man takes a pride in his appearance, you assume ....
Sir James : Nay, a small bundle of sticks be know as a Faggot
Yeoman Wint : Really, most interesting !
Yeoman Kidd : and a favourite of all those from Albion, especially after a night of revelry . A curry !
with this huge white Ferrero Rocher , with added high class sparkler.
Lady Tiffany : Wonderful !and Mead ?
Yeoman Wint : Yes the finest , would'st you smell this Sir James
Sir James : Whom ever smelt it dealt it !
Yeoman Wint : Nay, My Cork
Sir James : Your what ?
Yeoman Wint : the mead cork,
Sir James : Oh Yes, although for such a meal, I hath expected some red mead.
Yeoman Wint : Alas only white doth we have, the wine cellar on ship is very far down and very damp.
Sir James : Buckfast abbey mead is RED ! and thine toilet water I hath smelled before
Yeoman Wint : Kidd doth like my smells and that toilet water be hard to come by, as the seat can oft times fall
on my head ! Have at you sir !
( He attacks Sir James, with a privy toilet chain hidden in his hoes )
Lady Tiffany : Oh be brave Sir James, ( as she sees Yeoman kidd approach Sir James )
Sir James : Have a drink Yeoman kidd ( He doth throw the bottle of mead at him, sending him falling back
in to the fire under his meaty balls, and jumps off ship to douse the flames )
Lady Tiffany : Look, Sir James, the curry has taken the white colour from the dessert, It be'ith not a big
white chocolate Ferraro rocher, with a sparkler in it, but a big BOMB with a lit fuse !!!
( Sir James grabs the bomb and uses the toilet chain to attach it to Yeoman Wint, Throwing him overboard
just before it explodes !)
Lady Tiffany : Good lord Sir James, what do we do now.
Sir James : Eat out I suppose.
Collected together at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/867471/#p867471 as "Long Live The Gemstones" but always open for more ideas, jokes etc to get incorporated into that or any other of our Shakespearian Bond parodies.
For the life of me I couldn't come up with a good Fakespeare title for Die Another Day so it's just called Sir James 20, which of course is a reference to its working title. If anyone has any ideas please throw them in. And of course, if anyone has any better ideas for the other titles as well.