Lord Felix: Thou art late as usual, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I didst meet a most interesting damsel- hast thou heard of a Hashtag MeOne?
Lord Felix: Nay, she ist not one of mine associates. Thou hast had a look at ye tower?
Sir James: Aye, it doth seem most formidable. Hast thou a plan to get us in?
Lord Felix: But of course. All we have to do ist- (Ye door ist thrust open and Yeoman Hinx enters apace. He doth seize Lord Felix and throw him at Sir James, sending both into a tangled heap in ye corner.)
Sir James: Why, Felix, of this moment I have dreamt-
Lord Felix: Later! (Lord Felix draws his dagger and lunges at Yeoman Hinx, but ist swatted aside. Sir James punches Hinx in ye stomach, to no avail, Yeoman Hinx brushing off strong blows that would fell any normal man. Lord Felix lashes out with his foot, tripping Hinx, and he and Sir James set upon him. It doth seem as if Yeoman Hinx ist gaining ye upper hand until...)
Sir James: There ist just one chance- now, in which pocket did I put it...? (Sir James searches ye pockets of his doublet until he doth find a boon from ye Young Wizard- a jet powered hoverboard- and proceeds to batter Yeoman Hinx with it, until he ist slain.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem that going low tech with a dose of tradecraft ist ye way to go...
Lord Felix: Sir James, art thee all right? Ist he slain?
Sir James: Aye, to both. Now, thou wert telling me about thine plan to get into ye tower?
Lord Felix: ‘Twould seem that events have come up with a better one...
Act 3, Scene 3. Outside ye Centre Point tower. What appears to be Yeoman Hinx doth approach.
Sir James: (Inside.) Stop fidgeting!
Lord Felix: Ssh! Stop talking!
Sir James: This was a crazy idea.
Lord Felix: Thou hast never heard of ye Trojan Horse? Now ssh!
Guard: Hail to thee, Yeoman Hinx. ("Hinx" nods. Ye guards step aside to let him enter.)
Lord Felix: We are inside now, almost there...
Sir James: Next time we do this, I get on top.
Lord Felix: In thine dreams, Sir James.
Sir James: ...er... ;%
Lord Felix: Turn about ist fair play. Now, let me see... Aye, let us head in this direction. (They start climbing ye stairs. A sign reads “Meeting room. Nothing special going on here.”)
Lord Felix: Aye, let us go in here. (In ye room, they quickly shed their grotesque disguise and begin searching.)
MeOne: Thee will find nothing here, boys, I have searched already.
Sir James: MeOne! So, thine tiger’s tail hast led thee here too.
MeOne: ‘Twould seem that thine quarry hast departed- though I did find this parchment...
Sir James: (Reading.)
Sir James: (Reading.) ‘Tis five naughts- three more than I. What can this mean?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis apparent thou art not a sporting man, Sir James, even when thou art at thine best. This is ye Olympic symbol.
MeOne: Aye, sent have I been by ye secret intelligence division of ye Olympic Committee since we didst hear that ye Comte de Blofeld was making plans involving our next games.
Sir James: And when do they commence?
MeOne: In less than two days- in London.
(Sir James groans.)
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again! (From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee! (Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before. (Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye! (Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me... (Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
MeOne: Too late....
(Sir James groans.)
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again!
(From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee!
Sir Felix : Do thee need a dress to go to a Ball ?
(Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before.
(Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
Lord Felix : Hey Sir James, where we're going I swear my nerves are showing
Sir James : Don't Set your hopes up way too high The living's in the way I drive.
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye!
(Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me...
(Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
The curtains for a Ballgown, is a play on Gone with the wind , where there is a Line
" Tear down the curtains, I shall go to the ball "
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Love it! The more film references we can slot in the better.
Act 4, Scene 1.Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Sir James ist greeted by William of Tanner.
Tanner: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. Maid Moneypenny ist so concerned, she has her worry balls out!
Sir James: Really, how long did she have them in for?
Tanner: I neglected to ask...
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James, thou art safe! ...er... I mean, I do hope thou hast brought me something back from thine trip.
Sir James: Only mine heart for thee, fair Moneypenny, for thou knowest I never look at another woman. (Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: Sir James, time ist of ye essence!
Maid Moneypenny: (Frostily.) Sir Gareth willst see thee now.
Sir Gareth: So, Naught Naught Seven, thou hast heard tell that ye Comte de Blofeld hast schemes involving ye Olympic Games?
Sir James: Aye, mine liege, thou I know not what these plans may be.
Sir Gareth: Thou knowest that Her Majesty hast stated her intent to attend these games in person and present ye medals?
Sir James: Of this I had not heard tell- we must ensure that she ist not in danger. Canst thou ask her not to be present?
Sir Gareth: Nay, she ist very firm on this.
Sir James: Then we most certainly have a job to do.
Act 2, Scene 3. A grand boarding house in a foreign place.
Steward: And how may I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: A room thou hast for me, I doth believe. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
( Sir James is shown his room .... )
Sir James : Um ! very nice, ( But doth search for listening devices ) I'll just try this window
( Outside sits a small man with an ear horn )
Steward : Tis the window cleaner
Sir James : at Night ?
Steward : He be cheaper at night and there be no streaks !
( Sir James : Opens his bathroom door to find a woman with a glass to her ear at the door )
Sir James : What be'ith this wench doing ?
Steward : To keep our high standards,we not ony clean our glasses but we listen for cracks too
( Sir James returns to his bedroom, to find another midget in his wardrobe looking through a
knot hole, holding a parchment and quill ! )
Sir James : Explain this ?
Steward : He doth draw most intricate, sexy drawings of guests, ...... as a Souvenir, Look you
well he hath been most generous with your ......
Sir James : This room is not to my liking, we shall depart to thine vestibule, where thee shall find
me something more suitable ( They return to the stewards table )
Steward : Only the Honeymoon suite is avilable ?
Sir James : Nay !
Steward : at no extra charge ?
Sir James : T'is perfect !
(A most beautiful damsel doth overhear and approaches Sir James. She does appear intelligent, brave, fierce and charming, as well as witty and skilful.)
Damsel: So, thou art Sir James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true. Thine English ist very fluent- be thou from ye land of ye Tsars, mayhap? Or can I suggest from ye Balkans or similar?
Damsel: Thou hast a good ear.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis perfectly formed and part of a set. What wouldst thou say to a little drink?
Damsel: Hello, little drink, methinks.
(They walk through to ye bar, inside ye neighbouring casino.)
A Different Steward: And how can I help thee, sir and madam?
Sir James: A mead I shalt have- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Damsel: For me, an Americano – ‘tis the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks. Bitter Campari, Cinzano, a large slice of lemon peel and soda.
Sir James: For ye soda, I always stipulate Perrier. Expensive soda water ist the cheapest way to improve a poor drink.
Damsel: This I shalt remember.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. I prithee, art thou sleeping in this boarding house tonight?
Damsel: That, Sir James, ist for me to know and thee to find out.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 4.Ye Olympic Games in London. Her Majesty doth observe as ye teams march past. Sir James and Lord Felix look on from a vantage point.
Lord Felix: All seems to be in order so far.
Sir James: Aye... so far. (Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: I have found nothing out of order, hast thee seen anything?
Sir James: (Looking through telescope.) Nay. Her Majesty ist there, with her son and heir and of course his wife-
Lord Felix and MeOne: Brrr!
Sir James: -and his son and heir, too, and his wife.
Lord Felix: Ist, er, her sister there as well?
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, why do you ask?
Lord Felix: Oh, ah, no reason...
MeOne: Look ye, 'tis time for ye first event.
Lord Felix: What ist ye first event, MeOne?
MeOne: 'Tis archery, but with a twist- ye archers art blindfolded!
Lord Felix: Hmm, most interesting. (Sir James focusses his telescope on ye archers.)
Sir James: What! Ye third archer, his crossbow ist marked with an octopus symbol! This symbol I hast seen before! Quickly, we must go down there! (They leave their vantage point and run apace over to ye archers. Ye first archer takes aim at his target and hits a bullseye, to roaring applause from ye crowd. Ye second archer tries the same, but misses. Ye third archer begins to take aim, then swivels slowly so that his bow ist pointing straight at her Majesty.)
Lord Felix: We won't make it in time!
Sir James: There ist just one chance...(Sir James shouts to a brigade of the Queen's Guard, all wearing bearskin hats, standing below ye podium on which she stands.) Queen's Guard! Ye archer! Apace! (Ye guards kneel down, sending their hats scurrying like a pack of trained dogs at ye archer, bringing him down before he can loosen off a shot.)
MeOne: 'Tis amazing!
Sir James: Not too amazing- after all they've been trained to sit on soldiers heads for hours.
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
With the archery theme could we have the villain challenge Bond
To a display as in Thunderball but having Bond do a Robin Hood
By splitting the arrow to win ? ( after or during the gaming tables ) ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Ist this a private game, or may I join in?
Man: I prithee, join us, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Man: So! Of thee I have heard tell from mine boon companions. Thou may know me as Mann, Hench Mann.
Sir James: Then let us play! I shalt have ten thousand on ye next game. (There ist an audible drawing of breath from ye spectators. Yeoman Mann doth look at ye croupier, who gives an almost imperceptible nod.)
Yeoman Mann: Most confident thou art, Sir James.
Damsel: Hench, mine darling, thou didst promise me there wouldst be dancing and merriment tonight.
Yeoman Mann: Hush, Sacrificia, I must make sport. (Sir James notices a familiar-looking ring on Yeoman Mann's hand, a ring with an octopus symbol. He also notices an extra red piece concealed in Mann’s sleeve.)
Sir James: Mayhap thou wouldst have no objection to... raising ye limit?
Yeoman Mann: But of course- double! (They play, Sir James using ye changeable colour piece supplied to him by ye Young Wizard, and naturally winning.)
Croupier: Twenty thousand to Sir James.
Yeoman Mann: Perhaps I may have more luck at a different game.
Sir James: Aye, mayhap- what didst thou have in mind?
Yeoman Mann: Come, I shalt show thee. (He leads Sir James to another part of ye room, where archery targets hang on ye walls.)
Sir James: So, thou art a bowman, Yeoman?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis mine passion- shall we play double or quits?
Sir James: But of course. (Yeoman Mann picks up a crossbow and an arrow, takes aim, and unerringly shoots straight into ye bullseye.)
Yeoman Mann: I fancy thou shalt find that figure hard to match.
Sir James: Aye, it seems terribly difficult... (Without even looking, Sir James fires his arrow and splits Mann’s in twain. Yeoman Mann looks on aghast.)
Sir James: No, it isn’t, is it?
Yeoman Mann: (With difficulty.) I believe I owe thee forty thousand.
Sir James: I wouldst settle for being permitted to dance with Sacrificia and show her some merriment.
Yeoman Mann: Most grateful I am to thee, Sir James. (Sir James leads Sacrificia to ye dance floor.)
Sacrificia: Thine dancing ist sublime, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art not too bad thineself. Tell me, how dost thee know Yeoman Mann?
Sacrificia: I didst meet him but a few weeks ago. Most attractive I didst find him, until I met you....
Sir James: Aye, with this I am familiar.
Sacrificia: Must we talk about him?
Sir James: Why, nay- I wouldst much rather talk about ye Comte de Blofeld. (Sacrificia gasps.)
Sir James: Thou hast heard ye name?
Sacrificia: Aye, 'tis so- of him Hench Mann hast much fear.
Sir James: And canst thou tell me where he can be found?
Sacrificia: He ist everywhere! He ist in ye pub talking to thine mates, he ist in ye market when thou doth buy thine groceries, he ist with thine children at school, he ist with Sir Boris of Johnson discussing Brexit!
Sir James: Could you be a bit more precise?
Sacrificia: He's in Dubrovnik.
Sir James: And of his plans hath ye heard tell?
Sacrificia: 'Tis very exciting. I’m not going to talk about it but I can’t remember being so excited. It’s going to be very, very special... Think ye Olympics.
Sir James: Olympics, eh? (Sir James notices Yeoman Mann approaching with two others. They do not appear pleased. One of Mann's men carries a crossbow, marked with ye octopus symbol.)
Sir James: Methinks it may be time to go...
Sacrificia: I will see thee again?
Sir James: 'Tis possible! (Sir James exits swiftly, making for his carriage outside.)
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
Lord Felix: Something thou wants to tell us, Sir James...?
Sir James: Why, Lord Felix, surely thou knows that I am on Her Majesty's secret service!
MeOne: Mayhap she wants to give thee a medal?
Sir James: Mayhap later I can give you one, MeOne?
ER: Forgive me, I must attend to some regal matters.
(Sir James groggily rises and goes to ye bed, where he doth find ye body of Sacrificia buried under a mound of Connect4 pieces. There ist a note on top.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “
Sir Gareth: 'Twould seem, Naught Naught Seven, that ye attack on Her Majesty was only a diversion.
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend!
Sir James: What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.
Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything.
Sir Gareth: 'Twould seem, Naught Naught Seven, that ye attack on Her Majesty was only a diversion.
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend! What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.
Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything. So, Sweden... knowing me, knowing you as Her Majesty's Super Trouper I have a dream you'll take a chance on me?
Sir James: Is that the name of the game?
Maid Moneypenny: If thou hast money, money, money.
Sir James: Oh I do, I do, I do, I do! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC7uzalG5rU
(Next Sir James lands in Sweden where he is met by MeOne. They go for a drink but are attacked by the Comte's men and we have a chase scene. I might start on that tomorrow unless I get beaten to it!)
Comments
Lord Felix: Thou art late as usual, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I didst meet a most interesting damsel- hast thou heard of a Hashtag MeOne?
Lord Felix: Nay, she ist not one of mine associates. Thou hast had a look at ye tower?
Sir James: Aye, it doth seem most formidable. Hast thou a plan to get us in?
Lord Felix: But of course. All we have to do ist-
(Ye door ist thrust open and Yeoman Hinx enters apace. He doth seize Lord Felix and throw him at Sir James, sending both into a tangled heap in ye corner.)
Sir James: Why, Felix, of this moment I have dreamt-
Lord Felix: Later!
(Lord Felix draws his dagger and lunges at Yeoman Hinx, but ist swatted aside. Sir James punches Hinx in ye stomach, to no avail, Yeoman Hinx brushing off strong blows that would fell any normal man. Lord Felix lashes out with his foot, tripping Hinx, and he and Sir James set upon him. It doth seem as if Yeoman Hinx ist gaining ye upper hand until...)
Sir James: There ist just one chance- now, in which pocket did I put it...?
(Sir James searches ye pockets of his doublet until he doth find a boon from ye Young Wizard- a jet powered hoverboard- and proceeds to batter Yeoman Hinx with it, until he ist slain.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem that going low tech with a dose of tradecraft ist ye way to go...
Lord Felix: Sir James, art thee all right? Ist he slain?
Sir James: Aye, to both. Now, thou wert telling me about thine plan to get into ye tower?
Lord Felix: ‘Twould seem that events have come up with a better one...
Sir James: (Inside.) Stop fidgeting!
Lord Felix: Ssh! Stop talking!
Sir James: This was a crazy idea.
Lord Felix: Thou hast never heard of ye Trojan Horse? Now ssh!
Guard: Hail to thee, Yeoman Hinx.
("Hinx" nods. Ye guards step aside to let him enter.)
Lord Felix: We are inside now, almost there...
Sir James: Next time we do this, I get on top.
Lord Felix: In thine dreams, Sir James.
Sir James: ...er... ;%
Lord Felix: Turn about ist fair play. Now, let me see... Aye, let us head in this direction.
(They start climbing ye stairs. A sign reads “Meeting room. Nothing special going on here.”)
Lord Felix: Aye, let us go in here.
(In ye room, they quickly shed their grotesque disguise and begin searching.)
MeOne: Thee will find nothing here, boys, I have searched already.
Sir James: MeOne! So, thine tiger’s tail hast led thee here too.
MeOne: ‘Twould seem that thine quarry hast departed- though I did find this parchment...
Sir James: (Reading.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis apparent thou art not a sporting man, Sir James, even when thou art at thine best. This is ye Olympic symbol.
MeOne: Aye, sent have I been by ye secret intelligence division of ye Olympic Committee since we didst hear that ye Comte de Blofeld was making plans involving our next games.
Sir James: And when do they commence?
MeOne: In less than two days- in London.
"Moneypenny is so concerned, she has her worry balls out !"
" Really, How long did she have them in for ? "
Once Sir James is back in London, that's going in!
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again!
(From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee!
(Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before.
(Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye!
(Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me...
(Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
MeOne: Too late....
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again!
(From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee!
Sir Felix : Do thee need a dress to go to a Ball ?
(Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before.
(Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
Lord Felix : Hey Sir James, where we're going I swear my nerves are showing
Sir James : Don't Set your hopes up way too high The living's in the way I drive.
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye!
(Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me...
(Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
The curtains for a Ballgown, is a play on Gone with the wind , where there is a Line
" Tear down the curtains, I shall go to the ball "
Act 4, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Sir James ist greeted by William of Tanner.
Tanner: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. Maid Moneypenny ist so concerned, she has her worry balls out!
Sir James: Really, how long did she have them in for?
Tanner: I neglected to ask...
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James, thou art safe! ...er... I mean, I do hope thou hast brought me something back from thine trip.
Sir James: Only mine heart for thee, fair Moneypenny, for thou knowest I never look at another woman.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: Sir James, time ist of ye essence!
Maid Moneypenny: (Frostily.) Sir Gareth willst see thee now.
Sir Gareth: So, Naught Naught Seven, thou hast heard tell that ye Comte de Blofeld hast schemes involving ye Olympic Games?
Sir James: Aye, mine liege, thou I know not what these plans may be.
Sir Gareth: Thou knowest that Her Majesty hast stated her intent to attend these games in person and present ye medals?
Sir James: Of this I had not heard tell- we must ensure that she ist not in danger. Canst thou ask her not to be present?
Sir Gareth: Nay, she ist very firm on this.
Sir James: Then we most certainly have a job to do.
Steward: And how may I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: A room thou hast for me, I doth believe. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
( Sir James is shown his room .... )
Sir James : Um ! very nice, ( But doth search for listening devices ) I'll just try this window
( Outside sits a small man with an ear horn )
Steward : Tis the window cleaner
Sir James : at Night ?
Steward : He be cheaper at night and there be no streaks !
( Sir James : Opens his bathroom door to find a woman with a glass to her ear at the door )
Sir James : What be'ith this wench doing ?
Steward : To keep our high standards,we not ony clean our glasses but we listen for cracks too
( Sir James returns to his bedroom, to find another midget in his wardrobe looking through a
knot hole, holding a parchment and quill ! )
Sir James : Explain this ?
Steward : He doth draw most intricate, sexy drawings of guests, ...... as a Souvenir, Look you
well he hath been most generous with your ......
Sir James : This room is not to my liking, we shall depart to thine vestibule, where thee shall find
me something more suitable ( They return to the stewards table )
Steward : Only the Honeymoon suite is avilable ?
Sir James : Nay !
Steward : at no extra charge ?
Sir James : T'is perfect !
(A most beautiful damsel doth overhear and approaches Sir James. She does appear intelligent, brave, fierce and charming, as well as witty and skilful.)
Damsel: So, thou art Sir James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true. Thine English ist very fluent- be thou from ye land of ye Tsars, mayhap? Or can I suggest from ye Balkans or similar?
Damsel: Thou hast a good ear.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis perfectly formed and part of a set. What wouldst thou say to a little drink?
Damsel: Hello, little drink, methinks.
(They walk through to ye bar, inside ye neighbouring casino.)
A Different Steward: And how can I help thee, sir and madam?
Sir James: A mead I shalt have- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Damsel: For me, an Americano – ‘tis the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks. Bitter Campari, Cinzano, a large slice of lemon peel and soda.
Sir James: For ye soda, I always stipulate Perrier. Expensive soda water ist the cheapest way to improve a poor drink.
Damsel: This I shalt remember.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. I prithee, art thou sleeping in this boarding house tonight?
Damsel: That, Sir James, ist for me to know and thee to find out.
Lord Felix: All seems to be in order so far.
Sir James: Aye... so far.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: I have found nothing out of order, hast thee seen anything?
Sir James: (Looking through telescope.) Nay. Her Majesty ist there, with her son and heir and of course his wife-
Lord Felix and MeOne: Brrr!
Sir James: -and his son and heir, too, and his wife.
Lord Felix: Ist, er, her sister there as well?
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, why do you ask?
Lord Felix: Oh, ah, no reason...
MeOne: Look ye, 'tis time for ye first event.
MeOne: 'Tis archery, but with a twist- ye archers art blindfolded!
Lord Felix: Hmm, most interesting.
(Sir James focusses his telescope on ye archers.)
Sir James: What! Ye third archer, his crossbow ist marked with an octopus symbol! This symbol I hast seen before! Quickly, we must go down there!
(They leave their vantage point and run apace over to ye archers. Ye first archer takes aim at his target and hits a bullseye, to roaring applause from ye crowd. Ye second archer tries the same, but misses. Ye third archer begins to take aim, then swivels slowly so that his bow ist pointing straight at her Majesty.)
Lord Felix: We won't make it in time!
Sir James: There ist just one chance...(Sir James shouts to a brigade of the Queen's Guard, all wearing bearskin hats, standing below ye podium on which she stands.) Queen's Guard! Ye archer! Apace!
(Ye guards kneel down, sending their hats scurrying like a pack of trained dogs at ye archer, bringing him down before he can loosen off a shot.)
MeOne: 'Tis amazing!
Sir James: Not too amazing- after all they've been trained to sit on soldiers heads for hours.
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
(I've made some changes to earlier scenes to set up the archer- https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/915713/#p915713 )
To a display as in Thunderball but having Bond do a Robin Hood
By splitting the arrow to win ? ( after or during the gaming tables ) ?
Sir James: Ist this a private game, or may I join in?
Man: I prithee, join us, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Man: So! Of thee I have heard tell from mine boon companions. Thou may know me as Mann, Hench Mann.
Sir James: Then let us play! I shalt have ten thousand on ye next game.
(There ist an audible drawing of breath from ye spectators. Yeoman Mann doth look at ye croupier, who gives an almost imperceptible nod.)
Yeoman Mann: Most confident thou art, Sir James.
Damsel: Hench, mine darling, thou didst promise me there wouldst be dancing and merriment tonight.
Yeoman Mann: Hush, Sacrificia, I must make sport.
(Sir James notices a familiar-looking ring on Yeoman Mann's hand, a ring with an octopus symbol. He also notices an extra red piece concealed in Mann’s sleeve.)
Sir James: Mayhap thou wouldst have no objection to... raising ye limit?
Yeoman Mann: But of course- double!
(They play, Sir James using ye changeable colour piece supplied to him by ye Young Wizard, and naturally winning.)
Croupier: Twenty thousand to Sir James.
Yeoman Mann: Perhaps I may have more luck at a different game.
Sir James: Aye, mayhap- what didst thou have in mind?
Yeoman Mann: Come, I shalt show thee.
(He leads Sir James to another part of ye room, where archery targets hang on ye walls.)
Sir James: So, thou art a bowman, Yeoman?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis mine passion- shall we play double or quits?
Sir James: But of course.
(Yeoman Mann picks up a crossbow and an arrow, takes aim, and unerringly shoots straight into ye bullseye.)
Yeoman Mann: I fancy thou shalt find that figure hard to match.
Sir James: Aye, it seems terribly difficult...
(Without even looking, Sir James fires his arrow and splits Mann’s in twain. Yeoman Mann looks on aghast.)
Sir James: No, it isn’t, is it?
Yeoman Mann: (With difficulty.) I believe I owe thee forty thousand.
Sir James: I wouldst settle for being permitted to dance with Sacrificia and show her some merriment.
Yeoman Mann: Most grateful I am to thee, Sir James.
(Sir James leads Sacrificia to ye dance floor.)
Sacrificia: Thine dancing ist sublime, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art not too bad thineself. Tell me, how dost thee know Yeoman Mann?
Sacrificia: I didst meet him but a few weeks ago. Most attractive I didst find him, until I met you....
Sir James: Aye, with this I am familiar.
Sacrificia: Must we talk about him?
Sir James: Why, nay- I wouldst much rather talk about ye Comte de Blofeld.
(Sacrificia gasps.)
Sir James: Thou hast heard ye name?
Sacrificia: Aye, 'tis so- of him Hench Mann hast much fear.
Sir James: And canst thou tell me where he can be found?
Sacrificia: He ist everywhere! He ist in ye pub talking to thine mates, he ist in ye market when thou doth buy thine groceries, he ist with thine children at school, he ist with Sir Boris of Johnson discussing Brexit!
Sir James: Could you be a bit more precise?
Sacrificia: He's in Dubrovnik.
Sir James: And of his plans hath ye heard tell?
Sacrificia: 'Tis very exciting. I’m not going to talk about it but I can’t remember being so excited. It’s going to be very, very special... Think ye Olympics.
Sir James: Olympics, eh?
(Sir James notices Yeoman Mann approaching with two others. They do not appear pleased. One of Mann's men carries a crossbow, marked with ye octopus symbol.)
Sir James: Methinks it may be time to go...
Sacrificia: I will see thee again?
Sir James: 'Tis possible!
(Sir James exits swiftly, making for his carriage outside.)
Feel free to change any of that!
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
Lord Felix: Something thou wants to tell us, Sir James...?
Sir James: Why, Lord Felix, surely thou knows that I am on Her Majesty's secret service!
MeOne: Mayhap she wants to give thee a medal?
Sir James: Mayhap later I can give you one, MeOne?
ER: Forgive me, I must attend to some regal matters.
(Sir James groggily rises and goes to ye bed, where he doth find ye body of Sacrificia buried under a mound of Connect4 pieces. There ist a note on top.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “
Any ideas?
She died from a crushing debt
I told you gambling would be the death of her
She stole from me to help her Chinese nephew, so I
helped her with her " Youth in Asia "
Like a Russian doll, she was full of Herself
She was dealt a blow
She's had her chips
She always wanted to go out on a pile
She loosened her lips, now she's had her chips? ?:)
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend!
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/926375/#p926375
Sir James: What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.
Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything.
I have a dream, you'll take a chance on me ?
Sweden and ABBA songs
Sir Gareth: 'Twould seem, Naught Naught Seven, that ye attack on Her Majesty was only a diversion.
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend! What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.
Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything. So, Sweden... knowing me, knowing you as Her Majesty's Super Trouper I have a dream you'll take a chance on me?
Sir James: Is that the name of the game?
Maid Moneypenny: If thou hast money, money, money.
Sir James: Oh I do, I do, I do, I do! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC7uzalG5rU
Now to get a backing track so Brosnan can sing it.