Thanks guys, but you were doing perfectly well without me {[] I haven't been following
the story leaks on plot etc, so am a bit in the dark. One thought could the knave in white
have some green trainers, left floating at his body sinks ?
with the young Maiden looking away in disgust .....
Young Maiden : I hath seen little horrors in this world, But I hope there be a place in Hades
for anyone who would'st do such crimes against Fashion and good taste !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I have seen that axe before, in ye Pale King's dungeon. The king must be my father Young Maiden: He has a powerful weapon, He charges, ....... again
I have seen that axe before, in ye Pale King's dungeon. The king must be my father - and he really cares!
(Ye Young Maiden smiles and sprints faster with great optimism.) !
Sir James and Lord Felix approach a small dwelling.
Lord Felix: So, this is where thine Young Wizard doth dwell?
Sir James: Aye, at least it used to be- it has been some time. (Sir James knocks on ye door. After a moment, ye Young Wizard appears with a few cats at his feet.)
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! Most surprised I am to see thee.
Sir James: Thou know’est mine friend, Felix Lord of Leiter?
Lord Felix: A good day to thee.
Young Wizard: Of thee I have heard, thou never we have met. I prithee, do enter. (All go into a room, surrounded by cats. Sir James looks around at ye shelves containing crystal balls, strange gadgets, and many other items.)
Lord Felix: Thou do seem to like cats, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Aye, pussies galore.
Lord Felix: How many art here?
Young Wizard: Why, I do have eight of them.
Sir James: I feel that there is a pun I should make here, though I shall struggle mightily to avoid doing so.
Lord Felix: What ist this here, Young Wizard? (He points to a small bear wearing a hat and duffel coat, carrying a battered briefcase.)
Young Wizard: ...Er, that ist for a friend ....Er... Now, what doth bring thee to mine abode, Sir James? For thou art not active in the service of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Gareth knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James. (Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Gareth to enter.)
Sir Gareth: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: One moment- Tanner! (William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
War And Peace plus The Lord Of The Rings could both have been finished in the time it has taken them to make this movie.
To continue:
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Gareth: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er, have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
(Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.)
Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too. (They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, it roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a Flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Towards West-a-world?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former alchemist, though, for insight. I believeth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed- look out! (A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
I'm no good at writing the chase sequences. They have to end up on a boat as per the BTS pics above. Anyone want to have a go?
( Just an idea, please feel free to replace/change re-write etc )
Sir James : Make haste Good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix : The island Beans Kicking in again eh ?
Sir James : Nay, Varlets and knaves by the chariot full !
( Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching
a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by )
Lord Felix : Sir James, there be'ith a knight who doth look like you but "Hunkier" than thee ?
Sir James : Aye, Tell me about it that bloody Daily Mail parchement, never gives me a break.
( Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses .... )
Sir James : With that manouver, you've proved "We are the champions " now to the left after
that group of "Fat bottomed girls"
Lord Felix : That may be sexist Sir James ?
Sir James : Nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out
( Sir James waves at the ladies ... )
Ladies : Oh Sir James, you coming around later ?
Sir james : Nay good ladies, " Too much love will kill you "
( Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend dow a cobbled hill .... )
Lord Felix : I hath never come this way before.
Sir James : Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will
take us to the docks, where can lose our persurers and ....
( several more arrows whizz by them )
sir James : ..... pick up some soft shell crabs. I'm sick of Crab paste
Lord Felix : Crab paste ? which fishmonger supplies that ?
Sir James : Fishmonger ? nay, from the local appothacry.... Now to the right, to the right
Lord Felix : Do you have that little ich again ? ...... Down there ?
( turning sharply, they enter the harbour area ...... )
Sir James : Now make haste up that hill, so whe we release the horses, we can ram them !
expose your weapon Felix.
Lord Felix : What here ? in front of all these people ? oh. I see you mean my sword .
( pulling out the pin to release the horses the chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix
swinging their swords and shouting " Have at you Sirs ". Shocked the Knaves try and pull up but
crash in to a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high in to the sky .... Lord Felix tries
to jump from the charriot and fight on foot, Sir James pulls him back )
Lord Felix : "Don't stop me now "
Sir James : We may have a bigger problem ...
( the chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge )
Lord Felix : You seem to be back in the navy Sir James .
Sir James : Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the .......
Lord Felix : I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James : I was about to say, .... the opportunities for travel. Oh Look soft shell crabs.
( as they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea .... )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Perhaps we could squeeze this in before TP’s brilliant piece?
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left - with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David of Blond-Experience. A fellow Colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
Act 2, Scene 2.Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.
Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too. (They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, I’m in love with my chariot. It roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a Flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Towards West-a-world?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former alchemist, though, for insight. I believe’eth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left- with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David of Blond-Experience. A fellow Colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, not him- look there! (A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
Sir James: Make haste, good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix: The island beans kicking in again, eh?
Sir James: Nay, varlets and knaves by the chariot full! (Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, there be'eth a knight who doth look like you but "hunkier" than thee?
Sir James: Aye, tell me about it! That bloody Daily Mail parchment never gives me a break.Hey, Felix, watch out for you man with green trainers!
Lord Felix: What? (Thump.)
Sir James: Never mind.... (Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses...)
Sir James: With that manoeuvre, you've proved we are the champions- now to the left after that group of fat bottomed girls.
Lord Felix: That may be sexist Sir James?
Sir James: Oh nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out. (Sir James waves at the ladies.)
Ladies: Oh Sir James, you coming around later?
Sir James: Nay, good ladies, too much love will kill you. (Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend down a cobbled hill.)
Lord Felix: I hath never come this way before.
Sir James: Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will take us to the docks, where can lose our pursuers and... (Several more arrows whizz by them.)
Sir James: ...pick up some soft shell crabs. I am sick of crab paste.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) Crab paste? Which fishmonger supplies that?
Sir James: Fishmonger? Nay, from the local apothecary.... Now, to the right, to the right!
Lord Felix: Do you have that little itch again...…? Down there? (Turning sharply, they enter the harbour area.)
Sir James: Now make haste up that hill, so when we release the horses, we can ram them! Prepare to expose your weapon, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: What, here? In front of all these people? Oh, I see- you mean my sword. (He pulls out the pin to release the horses. Ye chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix swinging their swords and shouting "Have at you Sirs". Shocked, the knaves try and pull up but crash into a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high into the sky... Lord Felix tries to jump from the chariot and fight on foot, but Sir James pulls him back.)
Lord Felix: Don't stop me now, I’m having such a good time.
Sir James: We may have a bigger problem- look! (Ye chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge.)
Lord Felix: You seem to be back in the navy, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.)I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James: I was about to say the opportunities for travel.
Lord Felix: But of course.
Sir James: Oh look what ist here- soft shell crabs.
(As they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea...)
Love the levitations.
We'd need to have another scene to work those guys into, and there's no more info as yet. Of course, we could just carry on regardless....? I do have an idea (more of a guess as to the next step of the plot).
Something like this (please amend, add, alter at will):
(I'll backtrack a bit for context)
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Gareth knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James. (Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Gareth to enter.)
Sir Gareth: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: One moment- Tanner! (William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Gareth: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er, have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
Lord Felix: With thine permission, Sir Gareth, let me explain. I have been charged to find a missing alchemist, and I have asked Sir James to accompany me on mine task.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Gareth: A missing alchemist, eh? What makes thee think that we have not been engaged upon the very same task?
Sir James: Well, sire..
Lord Felix: Ah, you see..
Sir Gareth: Enough. Both of you shalt come back with me. I have assigned our best agent to undertake this task.
Sir James: (Bristling suspiciously.) Thine best agent?
Sir Gareth: Aye. Sir James, I do believe ‘tis time for thee to meet Naught Naught Seven… (Lord Felix picks Sir James's jaw up from ye floor and re-attaches it to his face.) Act 3, Scene 1.
Sir James is introduced to the new Naught Naught Seven, who tells him to call her Lashana. They compete at archery, swordfighting, etc, and she beats him easily. (The trick here is to avoid it seeming like the re-training sequence in SF)
Plus, of course, Sir James has to get a new number....
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since Lashana is now Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well,. Number 24 is vacant...
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since Lashana is now Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number? Maid Moneypenny: Well,. Number 24 is vacant...
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: -Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee. Sir James: - I knowest nothing of that account in the Cayman Islands, my Liege!
Comments
....and that surely demonstrates why I wasn't the right guy to write this scene. Bravo, TP!
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/915713/#p915713 for what we have so far.
the story leaks on plot etc, so am a bit in the dark. One thought could the knave in white
have some green trainers, left floating at his body sinks ?
with the young Maiden looking away in disgust .....
Young Maiden : I hath seen little horrors in this world, But I hope there be a place in Hades
for anyone who would'st do such crimes against Fashion and good taste !
I have seen that axe before, in ye Pale King's dungeon. The king must be my father - and he really cares!
(Ye Young Maiden smiles and sprints faster with great optimism.) !
Sir James and Lord Felix approach a small dwelling.
Lord Felix: So, this is where thine Young Wizard doth dwell?
Sir James: Aye, at least it used to be- it has been some time.
(Sir James knocks on ye door. After a moment, ye Young Wizard appears with a few cats at his feet.)
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! Most surprised I am to see thee.
Sir James: Thou know’est mine friend, Felix Lord of Leiter?
Lord Felix: A good day to thee.
Young Wizard: Of thee I have heard, thou never we have met. I prithee, do enter.
(All go into a room, surrounded by cats. Sir James looks around at ye shelves containing crystal balls, strange gadgets, and many other items.)
Lord Felix: Thou do seem to like cats, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Aye, pussies galore.
Lord Felix: How many art here?
Young Wizard: Why, I do have eight of them.
Sir James: I feel that there is a pun I should make here, though I shall struggle mightily to avoid doing so.
Lord Felix: What ist this here, Young Wizard? (He points to a small bear wearing a hat and duffel coat, carrying a battered briefcase.)
Young Wizard: ...Er, that ist for a friend ....Er... Now, what doth bring thee to mine abode, Sir James? For thou art not active in the service of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Gareth knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James.
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Gareth to enter.)
Sir Gareth: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: One moment- Tanner!
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
To continue:
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Gareth: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er, have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
(Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.)
Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too.
(They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, it roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a Flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Towards West-a-world?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former alchemist, though, for insight. I believeth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed- look out!
(A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
I'm no good at writing the chase sequences. They have to end up on a boat as per the BTS pics above. Anyone want to have a go?
Sir James : Make haste Good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix : The island Beans Kicking in again eh ?
Sir James : Nay, Varlets and knaves by the chariot full !
( Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching
a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by )
Lord Felix : Sir James, there be'ith a knight who doth look like you but "Hunkier" than thee ?
Sir James : Aye, Tell me about it that bloody Daily Mail parchement, never gives me a break.
( Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses .... )
Sir James : With that manouver, you've proved "We are the champions " now to the left after
that group of "Fat bottomed girls"
Lord Felix : That may be sexist Sir James ?
Sir James : Nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out
( Sir James waves at the ladies ... )
Ladies : Oh Sir James, you coming around later ?
Sir james : Nay good ladies, " Too much love will kill you "
( Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend dow a cobbled hill .... )
Lord Felix : I hath never come this way before.
Sir James : Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will
take us to the docks, where can lose our persurers and ....
( several more arrows whizz by them )
sir James : ..... pick up some soft shell crabs. I'm sick of Crab paste
Lord Felix : Crab paste ? which fishmonger supplies that ?
Sir James : Fishmonger ? nay, from the local appothacry.... Now to the right, to the right
Lord Felix : Do you have that little ich again ? ...... Down there ?
( turning sharply, they enter the harbour area ...... )
Sir James : Now make haste up that hill, so whe we release the horses, we can ram them !
expose your weapon Felix.
Lord Felix : What here ? in front of all these people ? oh. I see you mean my sword .
( pulling out the pin to release the horses the chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix
swinging their swords and shouting " Have at you Sirs ". Shocked the Knaves try and pull up but
crash in to a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high in to the sky .... Lord Felix tries
to jump from the charriot and fight on foot, Sir James pulls him back )
Lord Felix : "Don't stop me now "
Sir James : We may have a bigger problem ...
( the chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge )
Lord Felix : You seem to be back in the navy Sir James .
Sir James : Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the .......
Lord Felix : I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James : I was about to say, .... the opportunities for travel. Oh Look soft shell crabs.
( as they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea .... )
Perfect!
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left - with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David of Blond-Experience. A fellow Colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
I wonder if David will ever read this, I hope he does!
Act 2, Scene 2. Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.
Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too.
(They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, I’m in love with my chariot. It roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a Flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Towards West-a-world?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former alchemist, though, for insight. I believe’eth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left- with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David of Blond-Experience. A fellow Colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, not him- look there!
(A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
Sir James: Make haste, good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix: The island beans kicking in again, eh?
Sir James: Nay, varlets and knaves by the chariot full!
(Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, there be'eth a knight who doth look like you but "hunkier" than thee?
Sir James: Aye, tell me about it! That bloody Daily Mail parchment never gives me a break.Hey, Felix, watch out for you man with green trainers!
Lord Felix: What? (Thump.)
Sir James: Never mind....
(Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses...)
Sir James: With that manoeuvre, you've proved we are the champions- now to the left after that group of fat bottomed girls.
Lord Felix: That may be sexist Sir James?
Sir James: Oh nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out.
(Sir James waves at the ladies.)
Ladies: Oh Sir James, you coming around later?
Sir James: Nay, good ladies, too much love will kill you.
(Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend down a cobbled hill.)
Lord Felix: I hath never come this way before.
Sir James: Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will take us to the docks, where can lose our pursuers and...
(Several more arrows whizz by them.)
Sir James: ...pick up some soft shell crabs. I am sick of crab paste.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) Crab paste? Which fishmonger supplies that?
Sir James: Fishmonger? Nay, from the local apothecary.... Now, to the right, to the right!
Lord Felix: Do you have that little itch again...…? Down there?
(Turning sharply, they enter the harbour area.)
Sir James: Now make haste up that hill, so when we release the horses, we can ram them! Prepare to expose your weapon, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: What, here? In front of all these people? Oh, I see- you mean my sword.
(He pulls out the pin to release the horses. Ye chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix swinging their swords and shouting "Have at you Sirs". Shocked, the knaves try and pull up but crash into a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high into the sky... Lord Felix tries to jump from the chariot and fight on foot, but Sir James pulls him back.)
Lord Felix: Don't stop me now, I’m having such a good time.
Sir James: We may have a bigger problem- look!
(Ye chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge.)
Lord Felix: You seem to be back in the navy, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.)I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James: I was about to say the opportunities for travel.
Lord Felix: But of course.
Sir James: Oh look what ist here- soft shell crabs.
(As they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea...)
A man's gotta know his limitations.
A man's got to know his Levitations !
How can JBR and/or Calvin Dyson be worked into the story in a funny way?
We'd need to have another scene to work those guys into, and there's no more info as yet. Of course, we could just carry on regardless....? I do have an idea (more of a guess as to the next step of the plot).
(I'll backtrack a bit for context)
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Gareth knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James.
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Gareth to enter.)
Sir Gareth: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: One moment- Tanner!
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Gareth: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er, have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
Lord Felix: With thine permission, Sir Gareth, let me explain. I have been charged to find a missing alchemist, and I have asked Sir James to accompany me on mine task.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Gareth: A missing alchemist, eh? What makes thee think that we have not been engaged upon the very same task?
Sir James: Well, sire..
Lord Felix: Ah, you see..
Sir Gareth: Enough. Both of you shalt come back with me. I have assigned our best agent to undertake this task.
Sir James: (Bristling suspiciously.) Thine best agent?
Sir Gareth: Aye. Sir James, I do believe ‘tis time for thee to meet Naught Naught Seven…
(Lord Felix picks Sir James's jaw up from ye floor and re-attaches it to his face.)
Act 3, Scene 1.
Sir James is introduced to the new Naught Naught Seven, who tells him to call her Lashana. They compete at archery, swordfighting, etc, and she beats him easily. (The trick here is to avoid it seeming like the re-training sequence in SF)
Plus, of course, Sir James has to get a new number....
Of " Dinner for two " ?
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since Lashana is now Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well,. Number 24 is vacant...
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: -Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
Sir James: - I knowest nothing of that account in the Cayman Islands, my Liege!