I'd like to touch base even vaguely with something Bond25-related if possible. The missing scientist could be brought up again maybe. I'm staying clear of the spoiler thread, which might have a pointer or two.
Ok, we could do that- perhaps following up on the ice scene. We should explain who the girl is (or who she grew up to be?) and give some details on what the missing scientist was doing, and why it would interest Sir Malik.
The scenes by/on the frozen lake and the scens getting filmed on the west coast in the next weeks are clearly not a part of the same sequence. We have covered the frozen lake scene, but not the fjord scenes.
Sir Gareth: Thou hast not had much success in finding ye alchemist, it must be said.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true, mine liege, but I do believe that the key lies with this fair maiden- Paloma, we were discussing Sir Malik.
Paloma: I didst hear talk of a great castle, in Norway.
Sir Gareth: Then to Norway thou must set sail. Maid Moneypenny, see to travel for Naught Naught Seven and his allies.
Maid Moneypenny: But of course, sire. Three single cabins on ye next boat I shalt arrange.
Sir James: Efficient as ever, I see.
Paloma: ‘Twas a castle overlooking one of ye fjords.
Lord Felix: I shalt contact mine superiors for further information.
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this….
Now, what ridiculous things can the Wizard have in store?
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this ring! Inside the jewel, it contains a magic potion to counteract the effects of smalahove.
Sir James: Smalahove? It seems I have heard of this before.
Young Wizard: Aye, and in Norway thou will struggle to avoid it. Here also I have a pair of skis, inside which a sail ist cleverly hidden to be deployed should thee find thineself skiing over ye edge of a cliff.
Sir James: We don’t go in for that any more.
Lord Felix: More’s the pity…
Young Wizard: Take ye this expanding elastic band, to be hidden in thine hose.
Sir James: In case mine hose suddenly fall down?
Young Wizard: And also I have- these! (Ye Young Wizard hands Naught Naught Seven two small objects.)
Sir James: And what might these be?
Young Wizard: Earplugs, in case he starts singing.
Sir James: Oh, I had heard he was rather good.
Lord Felix: ‘Twas dubbed, Sir James.
Sir James: I’m going slightly mad...
Act 5, Scene 1.A ship arrives in Oslo. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma disembark.
Lord Felix: I shall seek some transport for us and our luggage. (A street vendor approaches.)
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! What's in it?
Vendor: But then there would be no surprise, would there, madame?
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
Lord Felix: Over here! I have found a carriage. (Sir James and Paloma go to ye carriage.)
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this ring! Inside the jewel, it contains a magic potion to counteract the effects of smalahove.
Sir James: Smalahove? It seems I have heard of this before.
Young Wizard: Aye, and in Norway thou will struggle to avoid it. Here also I have a pair of skis, inside which a sail ist cleverly hidden to be deployed should thee find thineself skiing over ye edge of a cliff.
Sir James: We don’t go in for that any more.
Lord Felix: More’s the pity…
Young Wizard: And also I have- these! (Ye Young Wizard hands Naught Naught Seven two small objects.)
Sir James: And what might these be?
Young Wizard: Earplugs, in case he starts singing.
Sir James: Oh, I had heard he was rather good.
Lord Felix: ‘Twas dubbed, Sir James.
Sir James: I’m going slightly mad...
Maybe TP can think of some other gadgets.
I'm suggesting some changes:
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this ring! Inside the jewel, it contains a magic potion.
Sir James: A poison, I wager?
Young Wizard: Rather the oposite. The potion counters the ill effects of Smalahove, a vile tradition in Norway.
Sir James: A Norwegian poison. I thought the Norsemen only murder in plays and scriptures, and tax each other instead?
Young Wizard: The Norsemen have buildt a tolerance to it to such a degree it's considered a meal, not a poison.
Thou will struggle to avoid it. If you are forced to digest it you must use this potion to save thy health and sanity. Here also I have a pair of skis, inside which a sail ist cleverly hidden to be deployed should thee find thineself skiing over ye edge of a cliff.
Sir James: We don’t go in for that any more.
Lord Felix: More’s the pity…
I'll get onto the above later unless beaten to it, but meanwhile...
Act 5, Scene 1.A ship arrives in Oslo. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma disembark.
Lord Felix: I shall seek some transport for us and our luggage. (A street vendor approaches.)
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! What's in it?
Vendor: But then there would be no surprise, would there, madame?
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
Lord Felix: Over here! I have found a carriage. (Sir James and Paloma go to ye carriage.)
Sir James: How far is it till we reach our destination?
Lord Felix: ‘Twill take us at least a day and a night.
Paloma: Then we must eat here before we start off.
Sir James: ‘Tis true. We must find a place to eat… Ah, over there I see “Ye Python Cafe”. Driver, I prithee stop there- and watch out for that man with- (Thump.) Never mind. (They enter ye cafe. One table ist occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on.)
Sir James: You sit here, dear Paloma.
Paloma: All right.
Lord Felix: (To waitress.) Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Sir James: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and smalahove; egg bacon and smalahove; egg bacon sausage and smalahove; smalahove bacon sausage and smalahove; smalahove egg smalahove smalahove bacon and smalahove; smalahove sausage smalahove smalahove bacon smalahove tomato and smalahove...
Vikings: (Starting to chant.) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove….
Waitress: ...smalahove smalahove smalahove egg and smalahove; smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove baked beans smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove...
Vikings: (Singing) Smalahove! Lovely smalahove! Lovely smalahove!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevette with a Mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top.... and smalahove.
Paloma: Have you got anything without smalahove?
Waitress: Well, there's smalahove egg sausage and smalahove, that's not got much smalahove in it.
Paloma: I don't want ANY smalahove!
Sir James: Why can't she have egg bacon smalahove and sausage?
Paloma: THAT'S got smalahove in it!
Lord Felix: Hasn't got as much smalahove in it as smalahove egg sausage and smalahove, has it?
Vikings: Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove (Crescendo through next few lines.)
Paloma: Could you do the egg bacon smalahove and sausage without the smalahove then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Paloma: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like smalahove!
Vikings: (Getting even louder.) Lovely smalahove! Wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: (Really loud.) Lovely smalahove! Wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop.) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon smalahove and sausage without the smalahove.
Paloma: (Shrieks) I don't like smalahove!
Sir James: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your smalahove. I love it. I'm having smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove baked beans smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove and smalahove!
Vikings: (Singing again.) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove, lovely smalhove, wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Sir James: Well could I have her smalahove instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove….(The Vikings begin to sing again and drown her words.)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove, lovely smalahove, wonderful smalahove! Smalahove smalahove...
Lord Felix: Mayhap, we should find somewhere else to dine…?
Sir James: Aye, let us find somewhere completely different. (They leave.)
That's great, I'll only offer a smalaho …. small change:
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! The artistic cook has taken great pains to make the dish look like a torched sheep's head. What is it really made of?
Vendor: The skin and fleece of the head of the sheep is torched. The head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The brain is cooked inside the skull and then eaten with a spoon or fried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and is served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Paloma: Really?
Sir James: Yes, many foreigners are surprised to learn the recipe ….
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
A clifftop, looking down over a spectacular view of water and mountains. A castle lies at the foot of ye cliff.
Sir James: So, this ist definitely the right fjord, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, most definitely.
Sir James: How canst ye be sure?
Lord Felix: I have received a message from mine superiors, by Norse code.
Sir James: Nothing to do with it being the last one on ye list then?
Paloma: Look below, there art guards at ye front entrance and a firm presence at ye rear.
Sir James: ‘Tis definitely his place then. Let us proceed carefully….
(They begin to climb carefully down the cliff.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis a steep one, take care.
Sir James: No problems, I am as sure footed as a mountain goat. (He promptly falls, his landing cushioned by a pile of soft snow, and finds himself outside ye castle main entrance. Brian, Roger and John look down at him.)
Brian: Well, what have we here?
Roger: We didst think thou wouldst… drop in.
Sir James: I assure you, my presence here is naught but a coincidence. I was out walking my rat and I seem to have lost my way.
Roger: Come inside, tell it to Sir Malik.
Sir James: Why nay, I shall go on my way.
Brian: We think it not. This way, or we shalt guide ye in by throwing these large stones here.
Sir James: Large stones? You will not do that.
Brian, Roger & John: We will, we will rock you! (Sir James makes a run for it but ist hit by several stones and ist knocked out.)
(Sir James lies unconscious on ye floor of ye throne room of Sir Malik Mercury.)
Sir James: (Waking up.) No, Felix, use thine real hand, I’ve told you about this before… (Awakes.) Ah… I see.
Sir Malik: This is the real life, Sir James- that was just fantasy.
Sir James: I suppose there is no use saying I just dropped in to say hello?
Sir Malik: Nay, for thine purpose ist known to me.
Sir James: I am but an innocent tourist.
Sir Malik: Thou art an agent of discretion in ye service of Her Majesty, and thou art known as 69.
Sir James: (Indignant.) No longer! I am once more Naught Naught Seven! ...er...whoops.
Sir Malik: Indeed, and no doubt thou wishes to know what ist mine purpose here. Come this way….
Good. I have a suggestion however. (please reject or change as you please, some days my sense of humor isn't working)
Sir James: So, this ist definitely the right fjord, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, most definitely.
Sir James: Last time you were sure it was the right fjord we only found a widow dressed in black ….
I still marvel at how snug her dress of mourning was. How canst ye be sure?
Lord Felix: I have received a message from mine superiors, by Norse code.
Sir Malik leads Sir James to a chamber full of strange-looking machines, with bubbling test-tubes and burning flames. A man sits working at a table, under heavy guard.
Sir Malik: I have no doubt thou hast been set to find this man, an alchemist of great renown.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Malik: He hast been busy working for me in ye creation of the means by which I shalt take mine revenge upon ye world!
Sir James: But thou hast amassed great riches, Sir Malik, by thine own hard work.
Sir Malik: Aye, I’ve paid my dues time after time. But more do I desire! Mine fleet of ships lies hidden in this fjord, ready to strike against all ye ports in the world. Here in frozen Norway, they sit safe whilst all ye other oceans will rise in temperature, making all the wooden galleons burst into flame leaving me the only naval power in ye known world.
Sir James: Thine alchemist ist truly a genius if he can make all ye oceans rise in temperature- by how much, may I ask?
Sir Malik: Two hundred degrees, that’s why they call him Mr Fahrenheit.
Sir James: And how hast thou persuaded him to join thine service?
Sir Malik: Most simple- his daughter lies captive in another chamber. But enough! For thee, Sir James, I have planned a most amusing death...
Ye throne room of Sir Malik. Sir James ist tied to a chair.
Sir Malik: This ist an experience thou wouldst never have had at ye hands of Sir Gareth.
Sir James: Well, he never tied me to a chair.
Sir Malik: His loss. Now, Sir James, thou hast perhaps noticed that this room is a cleverly-designed echo chamber. I shalt sit in another room, and thou shalt hear mine amplified singing! Amplified to a volume no human can bear.
Sir James: Pretty much like a U2 concert then?
Sir Malik: Nay, much more than that! I bid thee farewell, Sir James. (Sir Malik departs. After a moment, his amplified voice ist heard and Sir James begins to struggle. Apace, his experience allows him to wriggle out of his Bonds James Bonds).
Sir James: Again I have to thank ye Young Wizard for his foresight. (Sir James uses ye earplugs provided by ye Young Wizard, and runs to ye next chamber where Lord Fahrenheit ist being held. He quickly overcomes ye guards.)
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine saviour thou art! But free I cannot be until thou hast freed mine daughter also.
Sir James: It’s about ten past three, I think.
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine daughter! Thou must free mine daughter!
Sir James: Oh, excuse me, wait a moment. (Removes ye earplugs.) What didst thou say?
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine daughter! She ist being held captive within this castle.
Sir James: Then find her we must. (Sir James searches through ye castle, defeating any guards he doth find, until discovering the daughter of Lord Fahrenheit.)
Daughter: Kidnap or slay?
Sir James: Neither- rescue!
Daughter: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Sir James: Huh? I am he who is called Bond, James Bond- I'm here to rescue you! (They rejoin her father.)
Lord Fahrenheit: Now we can make our escape.
Sir James: Not quite yet… (He returns to ye chamber containing ye strange-looking machines, and smashes them all to pieces.)
Sir James: And now methinks we can leave! (From a cleverly concealed pocket of his doublet, Sir James produces ye skis supplied by ye Young Wizard and dons them. Grabbing Lord Fahrenheit and his daughter, he leaps from a castle window. As they fall, a sail bearing ye Union Jack appears and cushions their fall. Most remarkable, since it would be another couple of centuries before ye Union Jack was created.)
Below ye castle, Lord Felix and Paloma await anxiously.
Paloma: It hast been so long, I do hope Sir James ist all right.
Lord Felix: Worry ye not, my dear, Sir James hast got out of tougher spots than this one: erupting volcanoes, exploding oil rigs, MGM takeovers- he always survives.
Paloma: Look up there! (They look up to see Sir James carrying Lord Fahrenheit and his daughter, suspended under a Union Jack sail.)
Lord Felix: Nobody does it better… (Sir James lands beside Paloma and Lord Felix, who help his companions.)
Lord Felix: Thou hast rescued ye alchemist and his daughter, Sir James! Our mission ist completed!
Sir James: Not quite- watch this! (Ye castle explodes, for some undefined reason.)
Sir James: And that puts an end to his evil schemes.
Lord Felix: But what of Sir Malik?
Paloma: Look there, yon ship! (A speedy ship sets sail into ye fjord.)
Paloma: He ist getting away!
Sir James: Lord Felix- thine hook, apace!
Lord Felix: Mine hook? But surely thou canst not throw it to yon ship?
Sir James: Who said anything about throwing? (Sir James quickly unravels ye collapsible elastic band ye Young Wizard hast given him, and uses it to send ye hook through the air towards the ship. It catches in their mainsail, causing ye ship to overturn and sink in the freezing waters of ye fjord.)
Sir James: Sure I am that they will not keep themselves alive.
Lord Felix: 'Tis time to return home, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and most hungry am I. A pity we have nothing to eat here.
Lord Fahrenheit: No problem, they kept me well fed and I brought some food with me- here, help thineselves. (He produces a bag of fruit.)
Paloma: Ah, good- coconuts!
Daughter: I love coconuts!
Lord Felix: For a moment I was afraid it might be smalahove, but most glad am I to see you have coconuts.
Sir James: (Suspiciously.) Art thou sure they are not mangoes?
All: Coconuts!!!!
Comments
Where shall we send Sir James next?
something Queen related, " Highlander" or " Flash Gordon "
Or rather "push it"
Apart from that, no problems.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true, mine liege, but I do believe that the key lies with this fair maiden- Paloma, we were discussing Sir Malik.
Paloma: I didst hear talk of a great castle, in Norway.
Sir Gareth: Then to Norway thou must set sail. Maid Moneypenny, see to travel for Naught Naught Seven and his allies.
Maid Moneypenny: But of course, sire. Three single cabins on ye next boat I shalt arrange.
Sir James: Efficient as ever, I see.
Paloma: ‘Twas a castle overlooking one of ye fjords.
Lord Felix: I shalt contact mine superiors for further information.
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this….
Now, what ridiculous things can the Wizard have in store?
Just joshing. Both of those will go in!
Sir James: Smalahove? It seems I have heard of this before.
Young Wizard: Aye, and in Norway thou will struggle to avoid it. Here also I have a pair of skis, inside which a sail ist cleverly hidden to be deployed should thee find thineself skiing over ye edge of a cliff.
Sir James: We don’t go in for that any more.
Lord Felix: More’s the pity…
Young Wizard: Take ye this expanding elastic band, to be hidden in thine hose.
Sir James: In case mine hose suddenly fall down?
Young Wizard: And also I have- these!
(Ye Young Wizard hands Naught Naught Seven two small objects.)
Sir James: And what might these be?
Young Wizard: Earplugs, in case he starts singing.
Sir James: Oh, I had heard he was rather good.
Lord Felix: ‘Twas dubbed, Sir James.
Sir James: I’m going slightly mad...
Maybe TP can think of some other gadgets.
Lord Felix: I shall seek some transport for us and our luggage.
(A street vendor approaches.)
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! What's in it?
Vendor: But then there would be no surprise, would there, madame?
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
Lord Felix: Over here! I have found a carriage.
(Sir James and Paloma go to ye carriage.)
I'm suggesting some changes:
Young Wizard: But first, Naught Naught Seven, thine attention I crave. Behold, this ring! Inside the jewel, it contains a magic potion.
Sir James: A poison, I wager?
Young Wizard: Rather the oposite. The potion counters the ill effects of Smalahove, a vile tradition in Norway.
Sir James: A Norwegian poison. I thought the Norsemen only murder in plays and scriptures, and tax each other instead?
Young Wizard: The Norsemen have buildt a tolerance to it to such a degree it's considered a meal, not a poison.
Thou will struggle to avoid it. If you are forced to digest it you must use this potion to save thy health and sanity. Here also I have a pair of skis, inside which a sail ist cleverly hidden to be deployed should thee find thineself skiing over ye edge of a cliff.
Sir James: We don’t go in for that any more.
Lord Felix: More’s the pity…
Act 5, Scene 1. A ship arrives in Oslo. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma disembark.
Lord Felix: I shall seek some transport for us and our luggage.
(A street vendor approaches.)
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! What's in it?
Vendor: But then there would be no surprise, would there, madame?
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
Lord Felix: Over here! I have found a carriage.
(Sir James and Paloma go to ye carriage.)
Sir James: How far is it till we reach our destination?
Lord Felix: ‘Twill take us at least a day and a night.
Paloma: Then we must eat here before we start off.
Sir James: ‘Tis true. We must find a place to eat… Ah, over there I see “Ye Python Cafe”. Driver, I prithee stop there- and watch out for that man with- (Thump.) Never mind.
(They enter ye cafe. One table ist occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on.)
Sir James: You sit here, dear Paloma.
Paloma: All right.
Lord Felix: (To waitress.) Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Sir James: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and smalahove; egg bacon and smalahove; egg bacon sausage and smalahove; smalahove bacon sausage and smalahove; smalahove egg smalahove smalahove bacon and smalahove; smalahove sausage smalahove smalahove bacon smalahove tomato and smalahove...
Vikings: (Starting to chant.) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove….
Waitress: ...smalahove smalahove smalahove egg and smalahove; smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove baked beans smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove...
Vikings: (Singing) Smalahove! Lovely smalahove! Lovely smalahove!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevette with a Mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top.... and smalahove.
Paloma: Have you got anything without smalahove?
Waitress: Well, there's smalahove egg sausage and smalahove, that's not got much smalahove in it.
Paloma: I don't want ANY smalahove!
Sir James: Why can't she have egg bacon smalahove and sausage?
Paloma: THAT'S got smalahove in it!
Lord Felix: Hasn't got as much smalahove in it as smalahove egg sausage and smalahove, has it?
Vikings: Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove (Crescendo through next few lines.)
Paloma: Could you do the egg bacon smalahove and sausage without the smalahove then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Paloma: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like smalahove!
Vikings: (Getting even louder.) Lovely smalahove! Wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: (Really loud.) Lovely smalahove! Wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop.) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon smalahove and sausage without the smalahove.
Paloma: (Shrieks) I don't like smalahove!
Sir James: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your smalahove. I love it. I'm having smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove baked beans smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove and smalahove!
Vikings: (Singing again.) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove, lovely smalhove, wonderful smalahove!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Sir James: Well could I have her smalahove instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove….(The Vikings begin to sing again and drown her words.)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately) Smalahove smalahove smalahove smalahove, lovely smalahove, wonderful smalahove! Smalahove smalahove...
Lord Felix: Mayhap, we should find somewhere else to dine…?
Sir James: Aye, let us find somewhere completely different.
(They leave.)
Vendor: Good day, gentlemen and madame! May I offer you some smalahove surprise?
Paloma: Mmm, that looks fantastic! The artistic cook has taken great pains to make the dish look like a torched sheep's head. What is it really made of?
Vendor: The skin and fleece of the head of the sheep is torched. The head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The brain is cooked inside the skull and then eaten with a spoon or fried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and is served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Paloma: Really?
Sir James: Yes, many foreigners are surprised to learn the recipe ….
Sir James: Er, no, thank you.
It certainly is, and always was! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bW4vEo1F4E
Have added your changes to https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/915713/#p915713
Sir James: So, this ist definitely the right fjord, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, most definitely.
Sir James: How canst ye be sure?
Lord Felix: I have received a message from mine superiors, by Norse code.
Sir James: Nothing to do with it being the last one on ye list then?
Paloma: Look below, there art guards at ye front entrance and a firm presence at ye rear.
Sir James: ‘Tis definitely his place then. Let us proceed carefully….
(They begin to climb carefully down the cliff.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis a steep one, take care.
Sir James: No problems, I am as sure footed as a mountain goat.
(He promptly falls, his landing cushioned by a pile of soft snow, and finds himself outside ye castle main entrance. Brian, Roger and John look down at him.)
Brian: Well, what have we here?
Roger: We didst think thou wouldst… drop in.
Sir James: I assure you, my presence here is naught but a coincidence. I was out walking my rat and I seem to have lost my way.
Roger: Come inside, tell it to Sir Malik.
Sir James: Why nay, I shall go on my way.
Brian: We think it not. This way, or we shalt guide ye in by throwing these large stones here.
Sir James: Large stones? You will not do that.
Brian, Roger & John: We will, we will rock you!
(Sir James makes a run for it but ist hit by several stones and ist knocked out.)
(Sir James lies unconscious on ye floor of ye throne room of Sir Malik Mercury.)
Sir James: (Waking up.) No, Felix, use thine real hand, I’ve told you about this before… (Awakes.) Ah… I see.
Sir Malik: This is the real life, Sir James- that was just fantasy.
Sir James: I suppose there is no use saying I just dropped in to say hello?
Sir Malik: Nay, for thine purpose ist known to me.
Sir James: I am but an innocent tourist.
Sir Malik: Thou art an agent of discretion in ye service of Her Majesty, and thou art known as 69.
Sir James: (Indignant.) No longer! I am once more Naught Naught Seven! ...er...whoops.
Sir Malik: Indeed, and no doubt thou wishes to know what ist mine purpose here. Come this way….
Sir James: So, this ist definitely the right fjord, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, most definitely.
Sir James: Last time you were sure it was the right fjord we only found a widow dressed in black ….
I still marvel at how snug her dress of mourning was. How canst ye be sure?
Lord Felix: I have received a message from mine superiors, by Norse code.
Sir Malik: I have no doubt thou hast been set to find this man, an alchemist of great renown.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Malik: He hast been busy working for me in ye creation of the means by which I shalt take mine revenge upon ye world!
Sir James: But thou hast amassed great riches, Sir Malik, by thine own hard work.
Sir Malik: Aye, I’ve paid my dues time after time. But more do I desire! Mine fleet of ships lies hidden in this fjord, ready to strike against all ye ports in the world. Here in frozen Norway, they sit safe whilst all ye other oceans will rise in temperature, making all the wooden galleons burst into flame leaving me the only naval power in ye known world.
Sir James: Thine alchemist ist truly a genius if he can make all ye oceans rise in temperature- by how much, may I ask?
Sir Malik: Two hundred degrees, that’s why they call him Mr Fahrenheit.
Sir James: And how hast thou persuaded him to join thine service?
Sir Malik: Most simple- his daughter lies captive in another chamber. But enough! For thee, Sir James, I have planned a most amusing death...
Sir Malik: This ist an experience thou wouldst never have had at ye hands of Sir Gareth.
Sir James: Well, he never tied me to a chair.
Sir Malik: His loss. Now, Sir James, thou hast perhaps noticed that this room is a cleverly-designed echo chamber. I shalt sit in another room, and thou shalt hear mine amplified singing! Amplified to a volume no human can bear.
Sir James: Pretty much like a U2 concert then?
Sir Malik: Nay, much more than that! I bid thee farewell, Sir James.
(Sir Malik departs. After a moment, his amplified voice ist heard and Sir James begins to struggle. Apace, his experience allows him to wriggle out of his Bonds James Bonds).
Sir James: Again I have to thank ye Young Wizard for his foresight.
(Sir James uses ye earplugs provided by ye Young Wizard, and runs to ye next chamber where Lord Fahrenheit ist being held. He quickly overcomes ye guards.)
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine saviour thou art! But free I cannot be until thou hast freed mine daughter also.
Sir James: It’s about ten past three, I think.
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine daughter! Thou must free mine daughter!
Sir James: Oh, excuse me, wait a moment. (Removes ye earplugs.) What didst thou say?
Lord Fahrenheit: Mine daughter! She ist being held captive within this castle.
Sir James: Then find her we must.
(Sir James searches through ye castle, defeating any guards he doth find, until discovering the daughter of Lord Fahrenheit.)
Daughter: Kidnap or slay?
Sir James: Neither- rescue!
Daughter: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Sir James: Huh? I am he who is called Bond, James Bond- I'm here to rescue you!
(They rejoin her father.)
Lord Fahrenheit: Now we can make our escape.
Sir James: Not quite yet…
(He returns to ye chamber containing ye strange-looking machines, and smashes them all to pieces.)
Sir James: And now methinks we can leave!
(From a cleverly concealed pocket of his doublet, Sir James produces ye skis supplied by ye Young Wizard and dons them. Grabbing Lord Fahrenheit and his daughter, he leaps from a castle window. As they fall, a sail bearing ye Union Jack appears and cushions their fall. Most remarkable, since it would be another couple of centuries before ye Union Jack was created.)
Paloma: It hast been so long, I do hope Sir James ist all right.
Lord Felix: Worry ye not, my dear, Sir James hast got out of tougher spots than this one: erupting volcanoes, exploding oil rigs, MGM takeovers- he always survives.
Paloma: Look up there!
(They look up to see Sir James carrying Lord Fahrenheit and his daughter, suspended under a Union Jack sail.)
Lord Felix: Nobody does it better…
(Sir James lands beside Paloma and Lord Felix, who help his companions.)
Lord Felix: Thou hast rescued ye alchemist and his daughter, Sir James! Our mission ist completed!
Sir James: Not quite- watch this!
(Ye castle explodes, for some undefined reason.)
Sir James: And that puts an end to his evil schemes.
Lord Felix: But what of Sir Malik?
Paloma: Look there, yon ship!
(A speedy ship sets sail into ye fjord.)
Paloma: He ist getting away!
Sir James: Lord Felix- thine hook, apace!
Lord Felix: Mine hook? But surely thou canst not throw it to yon ship?
Sir James: Who said anything about throwing?
(Sir James quickly unravels ye collapsible elastic band ye Young Wizard hast given him, and uses it to send ye hook through the air towards the ship. It catches in their mainsail, causing ye ship to overturn and sink in the freezing waters of ye fjord.)
Sir James: Sure I am that they will not keep themselves alive.
Lord Felix: 'Tis time to return home, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and most hungry am I. A pity we have nothing to eat here.
Lord Fahrenheit: No problem, they kept me well fed and I brought some food with me- here, help thineselves.
(He produces a bag of fruit.)
Paloma: Ah, good- coconuts!
Daughter: I love coconuts!
Lord Felix: For a moment I was afraid it might be smalahove, but most glad am I to see you have coconuts.
Sir James: (Suspiciously.) Art thou sure they are not mangoes?
All: Coconuts!!!!
(Exeunt omnes.)