) ) ) Zombie Munchkins works for me! I was thinking about having the Munchkins constantly crossing the floor shouting "Order! Order!"?
TP, really really nice touch with the gold bricks marked with a small letter "Z". {[] {[] {[]
The above, edited and added to:
(Many dark clouds filter past, allowing the sun to shine through....... from a haze Sir James awakens ... )
Sir James : Where be’eth I? This looks unfamiliar... A wheat field, by a golden road, made of golden bricks marked with a small letter "Z"..... a .. a couple of large-chested, sizzling gypsy wenches about to disrobe and......... (There is a flash, and Lord Barbel the keeper of the dream world appears.)
Lord Barbel: This shall remain a pg 13 dream, Sir James, so none of such saucy doings!!!! (And with another flash he disappears.)
Sir James: Oh well, I did try. Reminds me of when I awoke of Crab Key… Somehow I feel I be on a quest to find my little dog, Felix. (A scarecrow in the field doth speak.)
Scarecrow: There hath been a great storm, called storm Theresa, we're expecting her to return twice more. Ah, wiff waff and nescio quid agam as the French say.
Sir James: I must find my travelling companion who hath transmogrified into man's best friend.
Scarecrow: Yes, a mate with an alibi, like when the wife asks about your latest girlfriend?
Sir James: ...er, nay, my dog Felix.
Scarecrow: I think he has gone ahead to find a place of great wisdom, tolerance and brotherly love, the castle known as… Parliament!!
Sir James: How can thee keep a straight face whenst saying that? No matter, I will also travel to this Parliament to rejoin my friend- if as you say there be’eth much wisdom there, perhaps I shall discover many answers!
Scarecrow: I never thought of that... my brain doesn't work good, I don't, er.… think good. In my family the clever kid became a doctor or lawyer, the real thicko became ......
Sir James: A politician?
Scarecrow :..... a scarecrow!
Sir James: Why not come with me? Perhaps Parliament and the wise people there could help you too.
Scarecrow: Why that's a whizz bang Idea, Amo valebat as the Italians say. I be Horace how be you known?
Sir James: I am he who ist known as Bo-
Scarecrow: BORIS, Not Horace, that be me AH ....Im 'omnis homo ad opus righ as my old Nanny would say.
Sir James: Oh Hell, ye can just call me Dorothy!
Boris: Let us away on the golden brick road… (They walk off arm in arm down ye yellow brick road, ignoring ye sound of Sir Elton John singing away. From some bushes they hear an attempt at a ferocious growl.)
Scarecrow: Oh, ‘tis most terrifying!
Sir James: No, it isn’t. (Sir James reaches into ye bushes and pulls out an elderly lion.)
Lion: Oh! Roar! Roar! (Pause.) Aren’t thee scared?
Sir James: Well, not overwhelmingly, I must admit.
Scarecrow: ‘Tis a lion!
Lion: Aye, I am a most scary lion… at least that is what I am supposed to be, if thou readest ye Daily Mail and Daily Express.
Sir James: Oh, boo! (Ye lion jumps back in terror and hides behind ye Scarecrow.)
Scarecrow: Thou art just a big girls’ blouse!
Lion: Aye, ‘tis so. Always have I been scared to do what I should do. If only I could find my courage.
Sir James: Then why not come with us? We art going to ye wise people of Parliament to find what we seek. I prithee, join with us!
Lion: Why not? Oh, and by the way thou can call me Jeremy.
( in an unrealistic grassy knoll Sir James and Boris are stopped by a scary Lion ..... )
Lion : ROAR !!!!, Hear me ROAR !!!
Sir James :Yes very Impressive, isn't he Boris ...
Boris : What ? Oh yes very scary... braccas dogmata virorum aliorum ego iustus meus !
Lion : Do you really think so ? Do you think I'm effective as a Leader ? I don't think
my Pride, think I'm very good even my good friend Chuka left to join another Pride........ Twice !!
Sir James : We are off to see the wonderful world of Parliament, why not come with us, they are
the most effective leadership in the world and could help you
Lion : would they help me ?
Sir James : if it helps them get some expenses monies, they'll be all over you.
Lion : I'll do that, I need lessons in being courageous and effective at leadership , how do we get to
Parliament ?
Sir James : We follow the golden brick road ahead, straight ahead.
Lion : I usually take the other, on the extreme left, but I'll come with thee on thine journey, .. I'm
Jeremy by the way.
Sir James : let us away.
( The trio exit ..... )
Just trying to get a basic story set up, hopefully much can be added and changed
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I was thinking at the end when they meet, the great wizard Bercow ? he can explain that
Jeremy was always courageous as he gave responsibility to the lady Diane Abbott and
the lady Emily Thornberry, who no one else would let look after a Goldfish.
Boris always had a brain and could make great decisions, it was just that he just made
them in the wrong order, ....... and in Latin.
Mogg, is smiling waiting to to be told about his heart, only to be told that YES, he doesn't in fact
have one, so is handed one in a plastic bag ?
Zombie Munchkins can still shout Order, Order ( Instead of send more brains )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Assembled and next bit added. Please feel free to work on it.
(They walk off arm in arm down ye yellow brick road, ignoring ye sound of Sir Elton John singing away. From some bushes they hear an attempt at a ferocious growl.)
Boris: Oh, ‘tis most terrifying!
Sir James: No, it isn’t. (Sir James reaches behind an unrealistic grassy knoll and pulls out an elderly lion.)
Lion: Oh! Roar! Roar! (Pause.) Aren’t thee scared?
Sir James: Well, not overwhelmingly, I must admit.
Boris: ‘Tis a lion!
Sir James: Yes, very impressive, isn't he Boris?
Boris: What? Oh yes very scary... braccas dogmata virorum aliorum ego iustus meus !
Lion: Do you really think so? At least that is what I am supposed to be, if thou readest ye Daily Mail and Daily Express.
Sir James: Ye Express used to have a good comic strip, many years ago.
Lion: Do you think I'm effective as a leader? I don't think my pride think I'm very good- even my good friend Chuka left to join another pride........ Twice!!
Sir James: Oh, boo! (Ye lion jumps back in terror and hides behind Boris.)
Boris: Thou art just a big girls’ blouse!
Lion: Aye, ‘tis so. Always have I been scared to do what I should do. If only I could find my courage.
Sir James: We are off to see the wonderful world of Parliament, why not come with us, they are the most effective leadership in the world and could help you.
Lion: Would they help me?
Sir James: If it helps them get some expenses monies, they'll be all over you.
Lion: I'll do that, I need lessons in being courageous and effective at leadership. How do we get to Parliament?
Sir James: We follow the golden brick road ahead, straight ahead.
Lion: I usually take the other, on the extreme left, but I'll come with thee on thine journey. I'm Jeremy, by the way.
Sir James: Let us away. (The trio exit. Soon, they find a man made of tin, wearing old-fashioned spectacles and lounging on a bench.)
Sir James: Get up, man!
Tin Man: (Languidly.) I don't believe I care to.
Jeremy: Oh, go on- have a heart!
Tin Man: (Puzzled.) A heart? And what would that be?
Sir James: It is what makes thee care for other people, especially those less fortunate than thineself.
Tin Man: ...no, I do not understand. Care to run that past me one more time?
Boris: I must admit, I'm not understanding it either.
Jeremy: Well, there's a surprise. Tin Man, would thee not care if someone were to, say, lose their job and have to rely on a food bank?
Tin Man: Could they not simply adjust ye flow of money from their overseas accounts?
Sir James: Hmm, perhaps you should join us on our quest. How should we call thee?
Tin Man: Thou can call me Mogg. (The four set off down ye road, occasionally squabbling. Eventually they reach a large building with towers.)
Boris: Camelot!
Mogg: Camelot!
Jeremy: It's only a model.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis our destination: Parliament!
(As they walk towards ye building a crowd of small people walk slowly towards them, their arms held out in front.)
Jeremy: Oooh, they’re scary!
Mogg: ‘Tis nothing to be scared of, they art only Munchkins.
Munchkins: Order! Order!
Jeremy: But they are walking so strangely!
Boris: Aha! Wiffle waffle. They art Zombie Munchkins- they have been prorogued!
Sir James: Prorogued?
Mogg: Aye, 'tis a kind of living death when they cannot do what they are meant to do. They now wander around aimlessly.
Boris: (Innocent look.) Hmm, who could have done such a thing...?
Sir James: Indeed... (They carry on walking towards ye building.)
I was thinking at the end when they meet, the great wizard Bercow ? he can explain that
Jeremy was always courageous as he gave responsibility to the lady Diane Abbott and
the lady Emily Thornberry, who no one else would let look after a Goldfish.
Boris always had a brain and could make great decisions, it was just that he just made
them in the wrong order, ....... and in Latin.
Mogg, is smiling waiting to to be told about his heart, only to be told that YES, he doesn't in fact
have one, so is handed one in a plastic bag ?
Zombie Munchkins can still shout Order, Order ( Instead of send more brains )
TP, do you want to expand on your funny idea above? I'd rather enjoy you do it!
( They arrive at the huge doors of Parliament .... with a horde of shuffling munchkins following
calling out " Order, Order !" a man in tights and a wig approaches them ... )
Mogg : these portals of resistance are of an imposing mammoth-isty !
Boris : Eh ?
Corbyn : He said there're Big doors.
Mogg: ( Monocle falling from his eye ) Good lord, don't you know the Queen's English !
Sir James : Aren't we all ?
Boris : Well actually, I was born in The Colonies !
( The man approaches closer ... )
Man : I be know as Black rod, what is your business here ?
Sir James : We wish an audience with the great wizard Bercow of Parliament may we pass ?
Black Rod : The door can only be opened with a terrific banging
Boris : Banging eh ? Sounds like my territory, stand aside .....
Black Rod: Nay, I must use my great staff
Corbyn : I hope they're being paid a living wage and have been allowed to form a Trades Union and
are free from bullying or sexual harassment.
( Ignoring them Black Rod picks up his staff and bangs on the doors commanding them to open )
Sir James : I've seen some big knockers before but .....
( The doors open to reveal a large room with benches on both sides and a large green chair at the rear,
a deep and booming voice fills the chamber ....... )
Voice : Sit down. Why have you disobeyed my strictest rule and come in daylight?
Black Rod: with Parliament suspended, I thought it safe to do so.
voice : Don't let me interrupt you..................................It's funny.
All that excitement on the golden brick road rang a distant bell. And now,
suddenly, this evening, it makes perfect sense. Welcome, Sir James..... Cuckoo !
Sir James : ( Clapping ) That's awfully good, a Cuckoo, sounds just right do you do any others ?
Voice : Tu-wit-ta-woo , That's an Owl
Sir James : Splendid, splendid
Voice : and look at this........ ( a light casts a shadow on the wall, as two hands form animal shapes )
a rabbit, an elephant, and look here, an Aston martin db10 carriage ...... why is that man
slouching on the bench ?
Sir James : Oh that's Mogg, he's very eh ? Languid
Voice : Nothing goes limp while I'm performing !.... well not for ages, anyway.
Boris : Yes stiffen the sinews old Moggy.
Corbyn : This is all the proof we need, he really is a wiz of a wiz, if ever there was.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( From behind the speakers chair, comes the sound of a scuffle and barking ...... a white haired
man in a colourful tie falls out on the floor followed by Felix the dog ... )
Boris : Who be-ith He, Sir James ?
Sir James : He is the Wiz, I fancy
Mogg : I don't agree with that sort of thing, Old man. I'm very traditional in my ways. A marriage is
between one man and .... several off shore banking accounts.
Corbyn: But He sounds nothing like the Wizard Bercow
Sir James : A voice box, Jeremy. Science was never my strong suit,
but the principle is easy enough, a loud haler cone, to make him sound
louder and more impressive.
Corbyn : I must get one of those.
The Wiz : Please call your dog off, Bloody hell he'll try and shag anything
Sir James : Felix !!
( Felix rushes to Sir James and magically returned to human form )
Sir James : Who's a good boy. who loves his Daddy ?...
Lord Felix : Good to see you again Sir James , ......... Please Sir James stop rubbing my
Tummy and patting my head.
Sir James : Sorry, Felix. Why don't you lie down and let me give you a Blow............. by blow
account.
The Wiz : Why have you come here ? and upset my chilling mood.
Sir James : We have come with requests ....
The Wiz : Nay no Songs, ........ well maybe a Queen medley but none of that Ed Sheeran sh1te !
Sir James : Requests of a magical nature, as you are in control of Parliament, so have great power.
The Wiz : We must make haste, I can hear the zombie munchkins at the doors,
Sir James : This be Boris, a scarecrow of limited means who would like to be, in his words
" Gooder at doing stuff "
( The Wiz, looks Boris over and produces a small pouch, which he passes to Boris )
The Wiz : Look upon your work, the white make-up in this bag with the other colourful
make-up. Your best calling has always been your first. Be a Clown, all the world loves a
Clown. That's why you make bad decisions, you should be making custard pies !!
Boris : Thank-you Wiz, I shall change my ways.
Thwe Wiz : This fellow ?
Sir James : Corbyn, a lion who hath no courage, so would like some.
The Wiz : Fear is nothing to be feared...... just controlled. Look at those who you employ.
the lady Diane Abbott and the lady Emily Thornberry ? Most wouldn't leave them in charge
of a bucket of poo, But you do. You're not frightened of the derision, ..... You already have
all the courage you need !
Corbyn : Yes, I can see it now " I am Invincible "
Boris : Up for an election ?
Corbyn : We're gonna need a bigger Vote !
Sir James : Lastly we have Mogg here. Who needs a heart.
The Wiz : From what I've seen I can do nothing for Mogg, he really is Heartless.
Mogg : Can you not facilitate such an acquisition ?
The Wiz: Here take this.
( He passes another pouch to Mogg )
The Wiz : This pouch contains a heart, ...... some kidney, bacon, beef sausage, lamb chops and mushrooms, topped off with a fried egg. It's a Mixed grill .
Sir James : Hooray, we have all got our wishes granted ....
Mogg : Well I haven't .......
( Sir James pushes him back on to a bench )
Sir James : We have ALL had our wishes granted, Courage, Brains, my Old Friend Back and a
slap up mixed grill for afters. Listen even the munchkins sound different. They sound Happy
( From outside comes a chant from a lone bystander )
man : STOP BREXIT !!!
Mogg : Is HE STILL HERE !!
The Wiz : The doors, UNlock the doors.
Lord Felix : Listen they're singing, about licking and sucking on a hard, ..... Brexit ?
Sir James : Nay, It's about the Lollipop guild.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: ….so that ist what happened, sire.
Sir Gareth: Thou have been given a mission by this anonymous woman and her cohorts to give their message to our Prime Minister?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so. Do you think he will listen?
Sir Gareth: ‘Tis worth a try.
Sir James: ‘Tis no time to-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Naught Naught Seven! But be thou aware, Sir Guy Fawkes hath escaped from ye Tower Of London- methinks thou may come across him in thine mission.
(Outside ye Houses of Parliament. Sir James finds his way blocked by a large crowd of people, shouting and waving placards saying “Stop ye Coup”.)
Sir James: What ist going on here?
Protestor: We art protesting against what hath been happening to our government!
Sir James: Good luck with that. (Sir James continues, coming next to a smaller crowd of people, shouting and waving placards.)
Sir James: Art thee protesting against what hath happened to our government, too?
Ex-Minister: Nay, we ARE the government! Or at least we used to be… (Sir James next fights his way past hordes of reporters, all frantically seeking someone to interview.)
Reporter: You there! Have you been prorogued?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just these tights- I must get a better tailor. (Outside No.10, Sir James speaks to one of ye constables on duty.)
Sir James: ‘Tis most important that I have a word with ye Prime Minister.
Constable: Alack, he ist in Aberdeen wrestling with a bull.
2nd Constable: Nay, he ist in Ireland, being ignored by their Taois… Taiose… er, their leader.
Sir James: ‘Tis madness! I must get out of here. (Sir James hides beneath Westminster Bridge. There, he spies a familiar figure in ye shadows, struggling with a fuse and two flints.)
Sir James: Greetings, Sir Guy.
Guy Fawkes: What? Sir James! I suppose thou have been sent to bring me back into gaol.
Sir James: Nay, I have a better idea. (Produces a box of matches.) Would you like a light?
Guy Fawkes: Most certainly.
Sir James: ‘Tis definitely time to Guy!
If we get round to doing another one along similar lines (you never know, though I haven't any ideas right now), then at least we have a title courtesy of Her Majesty's Government:
Villain : Take sir James to the archery range, present him to the man of arms Sir Brucie Forsyth
( Sir James is placed in front of a target )
Sir Brucie : Would'st thee wish for a blind fold, Sir James
Sir James : Nay, Thee only lives twice. Once when'st born and Again when'st staring Death in the Face.
Sir Brucie : Twice eh ? ( Turns to archery yeomen ) Nothing in this game for a pair
( He walks back to his yeomen archers .... )
Yeomen : Doth that be a new uniform Sir Brucie ?
Sir Brucie : Aye, Shall I give you a twirl
Yeomen : Fantastic as always, we'd score that a 10,shall we post that with the others on
your Bed chamber entrance ?
Sir Brucie :Aye, Lets have a look at the scores on the doors .. later , Now men, Good aim, Good aim
Sir James : Please do me the courtesy of aiming for my Heart, for My love of Albion
Sir Brucie : Very well, Higher,... Higher....... Lower, Good aim, Good aim !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James chases a varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him.
Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet? (The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know... (Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch...
{[] Glad you liked it guys.
I like the idea of putting Sir James into iconic scenes or plots (like in the last one we had "The Wizard Of Oz" and "Silence Of The Lambs").
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale with Cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Lord Felix: A Big Mac ist a Big Mac, but they call it Le Big Mac.
Sir James: Le Big Mac. What do they call a Whopper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Burgers. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yuccch!
the New scene is good, but I think the lines about hamburgers should be changed. Change the hamburger to something more ye olde (and preferably funny) and the same thing should be done with the names of the different hamburgers. What do you think?
I'll try to come up with some ideas.
Comments
TP, really really nice touch with the gold bricks marked with a small letter "Z". {[] {[] {[]
The above, edited and added to:
(Many dark clouds filter past, allowing the sun to shine through....... from a haze Sir James awakens ... )
Sir James : Where be’eth I? This looks unfamiliar... A wheat field, by a golden road, made of golden bricks marked with a small letter "Z"..... a .. a couple of large-chested, sizzling gypsy wenches about to disrobe and.........
(There is a flash, and Lord Barbel the keeper of the dream world appears.)
Lord Barbel: This shall remain a pg 13 dream, Sir James, so none of such saucy doings!!!!
(And with another flash he disappears.)
Sir James: Oh well, I did try. Reminds me of when I awoke of Crab Key… Somehow I feel I be on a quest to find my little dog, Felix.
(A scarecrow in the field doth speak.)
Scarecrow: There hath been a great storm, called storm Theresa, we're expecting her to return twice more. Ah, wiff waff and nescio quid agam as the French say.
Sir James: I must find my travelling companion who hath transmogrified into man's best friend.
Scarecrow: Yes, a mate with an alibi, like when the wife asks about your latest girlfriend?
Sir James: ...er, nay, my dog Felix.
Scarecrow: I think he has gone ahead to find a place of great wisdom, tolerance and brotherly love, the castle known as… Parliament!!
Sir James: How can thee keep a straight face whenst saying that? No matter, I will also travel to this Parliament to rejoin my friend- if as you say there be’eth much wisdom there, perhaps I shall discover many answers!
Scarecrow: I never thought of that... my brain doesn't work good, I don't, er.… think good. In my family the clever kid became a doctor or lawyer, the real thicko became ......
Sir James: A politician?
Scarecrow :..... a scarecrow!
Sir James: Why not come with me? Perhaps Parliament and the wise people there could help you too.
Scarecrow: Why that's a whizz bang Idea, Amo valebat as the Italians say. I be Horace how be you known?
Sir James: I am he who ist known as Bo-
Scarecrow: BORIS, Not Horace, that be me AH ....Im 'omnis homo ad opus righ as my old Nanny would say.
Sir James: Oh Hell, ye can just call me Dorothy!
Boris: Let us away on the golden brick road…
(They walk off arm in arm down ye yellow brick road, ignoring ye sound of Sir Elton John singing away. From some bushes they hear an attempt at a ferocious growl.)
Scarecrow: Oh, ‘tis most terrifying!
Sir James: No, it isn’t.
(Sir James reaches into ye bushes and pulls out an elderly lion.)
Lion: Oh! Roar! Roar! (Pause.) Aren’t thee scared?
Sir James: Well, not overwhelmingly, I must admit.
Scarecrow: ‘Tis a lion!
Lion: Aye, I am a most scary lion… at least that is what I am supposed to be, if thou readest ye Daily Mail and Daily Express.
Sir James: Oh, boo!
(Ye lion jumps back in terror and hides behind ye Scarecrow.)
Scarecrow: Thou art just a big girls’ blouse!
Lion: Aye, ‘tis so. Always have I been scared to do what I should do. If only I could find my courage.
Sir James: Then why not come with us? We art going to ye wise people of Parliament to find what we seek. I prithee, join with us!
Lion: Why not? Oh, and by the way thou can call me Jeremy.
Lion : ROAR !!!!, Hear me ROAR !!!
Sir James :Yes very Impressive, isn't he Boris ...
Boris : What ? Oh yes very scary... braccas dogmata virorum aliorum ego iustus meus !
Lion : Do you really think so ? Do you think I'm effective as a Leader ? I don't think
my Pride, think I'm very good even my good friend Chuka left to join another Pride........ Twice !!
Sir James : We are off to see the wonderful world of Parliament, why not come with us, they are
the most effective leadership in the world and could help you
Lion : would they help me ?
Sir James : if it helps them get some expenses monies, they'll be all over you.
Lion : I'll do that, I need lessons in being courageous and effective at leadership , how do we get to
Parliament ?
Sir James : We follow the golden brick road ahead, straight ahead.
Lion : I usually take the other, on the extreme left, but I'll come with thee on thine journey, .. I'm
Jeremy by the way.
Sir James : let us away.
( The trio exit ..... )
Just trying to get a basic story set up, hopefully much can be added and changed
Jeremy was always courageous as he gave responsibility to the lady Diane Abbott and
the lady Emily Thornberry, who no one else would let look after a Goldfish.
Boris always had a brain and could make great decisions, it was just that he just made
them in the wrong order, ....... and in Latin.
Mogg, is smiling waiting to to be told about his heart, only to be told that YES, he doesn't in fact
have one, so is handed one in a plastic bag ?
Zombie Munchkins can still shout Order, Order ( Instead of send more brains )
(They walk off arm in arm down ye yellow brick road, ignoring ye sound of Sir Elton John singing away. From some bushes they hear an attempt at a ferocious growl.)
Boris: Oh, ‘tis most terrifying!
Sir James: No, it isn’t.
(Sir James reaches behind an unrealistic grassy knoll and pulls out an elderly lion.)
Lion: Oh! Roar! Roar! (Pause.) Aren’t thee scared?
Sir James: Well, not overwhelmingly, I must admit.
Boris: ‘Tis a lion!
Sir James: Yes, very impressive, isn't he Boris?
Boris: What? Oh yes very scary... braccas dogmata virorum aliorum ego iustus meus !
Lion: Do you really think so? At least that is what I am supposed to be, if thou readest ye Daily Mail and Daily Express.
Sir James: Ye Express used to have a good comic strip, many years ago.
Lion: Do you think I'm effective as a leader? I don't think my pride think I'm very good- even my good friend Chuka left to join another pride........ Twice!!
Sir James: Oh, boo!
(Ye lion jumps back in terror and hides behind Boris.)
Boris: Thou art just a big girls’ blouse!
Lion: Aye, ‘tis so. Always have I been scared to do what I should do. If only I could find my courage.
Sir James: We are off to see the wonderful world of Parliament, why not come with us, they are the most effective leadership in the world and could help you.
Lion: Would they help me?
Sir James: If it helps them get some expenses monies, they'll be all over you.
Lion: I'll do that, I need lessons in being courageous and effective at leadership. How do we get to Parliament?
Sir James: We follow the golden brick road ahead, straight ahead.
Lion: I usually take the other, on the extreme left, but I'll come with thee on thine journey. I'm Jeremy, by the way.
Sir James: Let us away.
(The trio exit. Soon, they find a man made of tin, wearing old-fashioned spectacles and lounging on a bench.)
Sir James: Get up, man!
Tin Man: (Languidly.) I don't believe I care to.
Jeremy: Oh, go on- have a heart!
Tin Man: (Puzzled.) A heart? And what would that be?
Sir James: It is what makes thee care for other people, especially those less fortunate than thineself.
Tin Man: ...no, I do not understand. Care to run that past me one more time?
Boris: I must admit, I'm not understanding it either.
Jeremy: Well, there's a surprise. Tin Man, would thee not care if someone were to, say, lose their job and have to rely on a food bank?
Tin Man: Could they not simply adjust ye flow of money from their overseas accounts?
Sir James: Hmm, perhaps you should join us on our quest. How should we call thee?
Tin Man: Thou can call me Mogg.
(The four set off down ye road, occasionally squabbling. Eventually they reach a large building with towers.)
Boris: Camelot!
Mogg: Camelot!
Jeremy: It's only a model.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis our destination: Parliament!
Jeremy: Oooh, they’re scary!
Mogg: ‘Tis nothing to be scared of, they art only Munchkins.
Munchkins: Order! Order!
Jeremy: But they are walking so strangely!
Boris: Aha! Wiffle waffle. They art Zombie Munchkins- they have been prorogued!
Sir James: Prorogued?
Mogg: Aye, 'tis a kind of living death when they cannot do what they are meant to do. They now wander around aimlessly.
Boris: (Innocent look.) Hmm, who could have done such a thing...?
Sir James: Indeed...
(They carry on walking towards ye building.)
TP, do you want to expand on your funny idea above? I'd rather enjoy you do it!
Go here at the minute.
+ of course please add to mine above if you want.
calling out " Order, Order !" a man in tights and a wig approaches them ... )
Mogg : these portals of resistance are of an imposing mammoth-isty !
Boris : Eh ?
Corbyn : He said there're Big doors.
Mogg: ( Monocle falling from his eye ) Good lord, don't you know the Queen's English !
Sir James : Aren't we all ?
Boris : Well actually, I was born in The Colonies !
( The man approaches closer ... )
Man : I be know as Black rod, what is your business here ?
Sir James : We wish an audience with the great wizard Bercow of Parliament may we pass ?
Black Rod : The door can only be opened with a terrific banging
Boris : Banging eh ? Sounds like my territory, stand aside .....
Black Rod: Nay, I must use my great staff
Corbyn : I hope they're being paid a living wage and have been allowed to form a Trades Union and
are free from bullying or sexual harassment.
( Ignoring them Black Rod picks up his staff and bangs on the doors commanding them to open )
Sir James : I've seen some big knockers before but .....
( The doors open to reveal a large room with benches on both sides and a large green chair at the rear,
a deep and booming voice fills the chamber ....... )
Voice : Sit down. Why have you disobeyed my strictest rule and come in daylight?
Black Rod: with Parliament suspended, I thought it safe to do so.
voice : Don't let me interrupt you..................................It's funny.
All that excitement on the golden brick road rang a distant bell. And now,
suddenly, this evening, it makes perfect sense. Welcome, Sir James..... Cuckoo !
Sir James : ( Clapping ) That's awfully good, a Cuckoo, sounds just right do you do any others ?
Voice : Tu-wit-ta-woo , That's an Owl
Sir James : Splendid, splendid
Voice : and look at this........ ( a light casts a shadow on the wall, as two hands form animal shapes )
a rabbit, an elephant, and look here, an Aston martin db10 carriage ...... why is that man
slouching on the bench ?
Sir James : Oh that's Mogg, he's very eh ? Languid
Voice : Nothing goes limp while I'm performing !.... well not for ages, anyway.
Boris : Yes stiffen the sinews old Moggy.
Corbyn : This is all the proof we need, he really is a wiz of a wiz, if ever there was.
Can't wait to see the rest! I've assembled what we have so far at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/957984/#p957984
man in a colourful tie falls out on the floor followed by Felix the dog ... )
Boris : Who be-ith He, Sir James ?
Sir James : He is the Wiz, I fancy
Mogg : I don't agree with that sort of thing, Old man. I'm very traditional in my ways. A marriage is
between one man and .... several off shore banking accounts.
Corbyn: But He sounds nothing like the Wizard Bercow
Sir James : A voice box, Jeremy. Science was never my strong suit,
but the principle is easy enough, a loud haler cone, to make him sound
louder and more impressive.
Corbyn : I must get one of those.
The Wiz : Please call your dog off, Bloody hell he'll try and shag anything
Sir James : Felix !!
( Felix rushes to Sir James and magically returned to human form )
Sir James : Who's a good boy. who loves his Daddy ?...
Lord Felix : Good to see you again Sir James , ......... Please Sir James stop rubbing my
Tummy and patting my head.
Sir James : Sorry, Felix. Why don't you lie down and let me give you a Blow............. by blow
account.
The Wiz : Why have you come here ? and upset my chilling mood.
Sir James : We have come with requests ....
The Wiz : Nay no Songs, ........ well maybe a Queen medley but none of that Ed Sheeran sh1te !
Sir James : Requests of a magical nature, as you are in control of Parliament, so have great power.
The Wiz : We must make haste, I can hear the zombie munchkins at the doors,
Sir James : This be Boris, a scarecrow of limited means who would like to be, in his words
" Gooder at doing stuff "
( The Wiz, looks Boris over and produces a small pouch, which he passes to Boris )
The Wiz : Look upon your work, the white make-up in this bag with the other colourful
make-up. Your best calling has always been your first. Be a Clown, all the world loves a
Clown. That's why you make bad decisions, you should be making custard pies !!
Boris : Thank-you Wiz, I shall change my ways.
Thwe Wiz : This fellow ?
Sir James : Corbyn, a lion who hath no courage, so would like some.
The Wiz : Fear is nothing to be feared...... just controlled. Look at those who you employ.
the lady Diane Abbott and the lady Emily Thornberry ? Most wouldn't leave them in charge
of a bucket of poo, But you do. You're not frightened of the derision, ..... You already have
all the courage you need !
Corbyn : Yes, I can see it now " I am Invincible "
Boris : Up for an election ?
Corbyn : We're gonna need a bigger Vote !
Sir James : Lastly we have Mogg here. Who needs a heart.
The Wiz : From what I've seen I can do nothing for Mogg, he really is Heartless.
Mogg : Can you not facilitate such an acquisition ?
The Wiz: Here take this.
( He passes another pouch to Mogg )
The Wiz : This pouch contains a heart, ...... some kidney, bacon, beef sausage, lamb chops and mushrooms, topped off with a fried egg. It's a Mixed grill .
Sir James : Hooray, we have all got our wishes granted ....
Mogg : Well I haven't .......
( Sir James pushes him back on to a bench )
Sir James : We have ALL had our wishes granted, Courage, Brains, my Old Friend Back and a
slap up mixed grill for afters. Listen even the munchkins sound different. They sound Happy
( From outside comes a chant from a lone bystander )
man : STOP BREXIT !!!
Mogg : Is HE STILL HERE !!
The Wiz : The doors, UNlock the doors.
Lord Felix : Listen they're singing, about licking and sucking on a hard, ..... Brexit ?
Sir James : Nay, It's about the Lollipop guild.
All edited and assembled at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/957984/#p957984 plus a few more lines & jokes that occurred while putting it all together.
Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir James: ….so that ist what happened, sire.
Sir Gareth: Thou have been given a mission by this anonymous woman and her cohorts to give their message to our Prime Minister?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so. Do you think he will listen?
Sir Gareth: ‘Tis worth a try.
Sir James: ‘Tis no time to-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Naught Naught Seven! But be thou aware, Sir Guy Fawkes hath escaped from ye Tower Of London- methinks thou may come across him in thine mission.
(Outside ye Houses of Parliament. Sir James finds his way blocked by a large crowd of people, shouting and waving placards saying “Stop ye Coup”.)
Sir James: What ist going on here?
Protestor: We art protesting against what hath been happening to our government!
Sir James: Good luck with that.
(Sir James continues, coming next to a smaller crowd of people, shouting and waving placards.)
Sir James: Art thee protesting against what hath happened to our government, too?
Ex-Minister: Nay, we ARE the government! Or at least we used to be…
(Sir James next fights his way past hordes of reporters, all frantically seeking someone to interview.)
Reporter: You there! Have you been prorogued?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just these tights- I must get a better tailor.
(Outside No.10, Sir James speaks to one of ye constables on duty.)
Sir James: ‘Tis most important that I have a word with ye Prime Minister.
Constable: Alack, he ist in Aberdeen wrestling with a bull.
2nd Constable: Nay, he ist in Ireland, being ignored by their Taois… Taiose… er, their leader.
Sir James: ‘Tis madness! I must get out of here.
(Sir James hides beneath Westminster Bridge. There, he spies a familiar figure in ye shadows, struggling with a fuse and two flints.)
Sir James: Greetings, Sir Guy.
Guy Fawkes: What? Sir James! I suppose thou have been sent to bring me back into gaol.
Sir James: Nay, I have a better idea. (Produces a box of matches.) Would you like a light?
Guy Fawkes: Most certainly.
Sir James: ‘Tis definitely time to Guy!
The whole thing at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/957984/#p957984
YELLOWHAMMER
Villain : Take sir James to the archery range, present him to the man of arms Sir Brucie Forsyth
( Sir James is placed in front of a target )
Sir Brucie : Would'st thee wish for a blind fold, Sir James
Sir James : Nay, Thee only lives twice. Once when'st born and Again when'st staring Death in the Face.
Sir Brucie : Twice eh ? ( Turns to archery yeomen ) Nothing in this game for a pair
( He walks back to his yeomen archers .... )
Yeomen : Doth that be a new uniform Sir Brucie ?
Sir Brucie : Aye, Shall I give you a twirl
Yeomen : Fantastic as always, we'd score that a 10,shall we post that with the others on
your Bed chamber entrance ?
Sir Brucie :Aye, Lets have a look at the scores on the doors .. later , Now men, Good aim, Good aim
Sir James : Please do me the courtesy of aiming for my Heart, for My love of Albion
Sir Brucie : Very well, Higher,... Higher....... Lower, Good aim, Good aim !
Nice to see that, to see that nice.
Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet?
(The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know...
(Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch...
I like the idea of putting Sir James into iconic scenes or plots (like in the last one we had "The Wizard Of Oz" and "Silence Of The Lambs").
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale with Cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Lord Felix: A Big Mac ist a Big Mac, but they call it Le Big Mac.
Sir James: Le Big Mac. What do they call a Whopper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Burgers. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yuccch!
I'll try to come up with some ideas.
Apropos of nothing-