I don't see how those meals will ruin any jokes, but they open up for new ones. I think using something other than hamburgers to make it about more than rewriting the movie scene with old fashiond English.
"A quarter pounder with cheese is called Hedgehog Surprise/Royal Surprise in Amsterdam"
Perhaps we should have a joke about Amsterdam and New Amsterdam since that was the name of NY around that time.
……. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have. Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
This is my version. It's up to you if you want to use any of it:
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James and Sir Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Sir Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper, pointing at Sir Felix: Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Sir Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
As Sir James and Sir Felix move to depart, Sir Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thyselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Sir Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Sir Felix from the tavern.
Sir Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Sir Felix.
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain
of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Sir Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard
of the Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Sir Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
Well, here is what we as a team have written recently. It's a bunch of good scenes (mainly stolen) in search of a plot! We do have a title song courtesy of N24, and as usual the M and Q scenes will be easy (I'd be happy to do those if no-one else wants to have a bash) but we need a plot to send Sir James off on his mission... any ideas?
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nil tolerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed known for being intolerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I know’est not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yucch!!
Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything. Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble. (As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties! (At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me. (Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us. (Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
Sir James chases a varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him.
Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet? (The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know... (Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch…
Villain: Take Sir James to the archery range, present him to ye man of arms Sir Brucie Forsyth (Sir James is placed in front of a target.)
Sir Brucie: Would'st thee wish for a blindfold, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, Thee only lives twice. Once when'st born and again when'st staring death in the face.
Sir Brucie: Twice eh? (Turns to ye archery yeomen.) Nothing in this game for a pair! (He walks back to his yeomen archers... )
Yeomen: Doth that be a new uniform, Sir Brucie?
Sir Brucie: Aye, shall I give thee a twirl?
Yeomen: Fantastic as always, we'd score that a 10. Shall we post that with the others on
your bedchamber entrance?
Sir Brucie: Aye, Let’s have a look at the scores on the doors.... later. Now men, Good aim, Good aim!
Sir James: Please do me the courtesy of aiming for my heart, for My love of Albion.
Sir Brucie: Very well, Higher,... Higher....... Lower, Good aim, Good aim!
I mean, since we have no other basic structure we take what we get. It's not completely unusable, is it? What would be a Dangerous new tecnology in ye olde times …...
Ok, but we did the "Felix calls James out of happy retirement with Madeleine", as well as the "James replaced by new 007" bit so let's just have him given a mission by M. (Like in the good times)
Hmm …...The printing press (led to protestantism, social unrest and war)
Heliosentrism (the elites knew and the church accepted the Earth is round, the controversial theory was that the Earth orbirts around the sun and not the other way round)
Wheel-Lock musket
Flush toilets
I can't think of any funny ways to use those technologies right now, but they have potential. but here's an idea: The Bloody Mary
The drink was invented much later, but let's imagine someone was thinking of it in Shakespear's time. Because the name references Mary Queen of Scots the authorities fear the drink will lead to Scotish nationalism and Papism (as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol, so sir Bond has to find the recipe and destroy it. Bond is torn between his duty and his instinct and values.
In his absence, I've come up with the following. It's based on Number24's ideas above, and leads into the scene where James meets Felix.
(Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Maid Moneypenny attends to her clerking. Enter Sir James Bond.)
Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.
Sir Gareth: Ah, Naught Naught Seven… at last.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink. (Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.
You beat me to it. But perhaps this could be worked in somewhere between Maid Moneypenny's lines and Sir James's exchange with Sir Gareth?
Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Bleauchamp escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - ''tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, ''tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.
(Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Maid Moneypenny attends to her clerking. Enter Sir James Bond.)
Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.
Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Blofeld escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - 'tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, 'tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink. (Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I knowest not of this.
Sir Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.
Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything. Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble. (As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties! (At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me. (Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us. (Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
We have to add James & Felix ordering two Bloody Marys, and some sort of reaction which leads to James chasing a varlet (leading into the next scene).
Good!
Here is a suggestion for a line?
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it. sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I know'st not of this.
Sire Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
There should also be possibilities for jokes about Scottish nationalism and referendums. Have you ever heard of this, Barbel? :v
Comments
"A quarter pounder with cheese is called Hedgehog Surprise/Royal Surprise in Amsterdam"
Perhaps we should have a joke about Amsterdam and New Amsterdam since that was the name of NY around that time.
……. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James and Sir Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Sir Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper, pointing at Sir Felix: Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Sir Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
As Sir James and Sir Felix move to depart, Sir Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thyselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Sir Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Sir Felix from the tavern.
Sir Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Sir Felix.
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain
of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Sir Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard
of the Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Sir Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
C&D,
Thank you ….. I think
A line worthy of Sir James.
A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.
Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nil tolerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed known for being intolerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I know’est not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yucch!!
Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
(As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
(At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
(Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
(Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
Sir James chases a varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him.
Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet?
(The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know...
(Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch…
Villain: Take Sir James to the archery range, present him to ye man of arms Sir Brucie Forsyth
(Sir James is placed in front of a target.)
Sir Brucie: Would'st thee wish for a blindfold, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, Thee only lives twice. Once when'st born and again when'st staring death in the face.
Sir Brucie: Twice eh? (Turns to ye archery yeomen.) Nothing in this game for a pair!
(He walks back to his yeomen archers... )
Yeomen: Doth that be a new uniform, Sir Brucie?
Sir Brucie: Aye, shall I give thee a twirl?
Yeomen: Fantastic as always, we'd score that a 10. Shall we post that with the others on
your bedchamber entrance?
Sir Brucie: Aye, Let’s have a look at the scores on the doors.... later. Now men, Good aim, Good aim!
Sir James: Please do me the courtesy of aiming for my heart, for My love of Albion.
Sir Brucie: Very well, Higher,... Higher....... Lower, Good aim, Good aim!
Era-appropriate tech- hmm, I've no ideas there.
Heliosentrism (the elites knew and the church accepted the Earth is round, the controversial theory was that the Earth orbirts around the sun and not the other way round)
Wheel-Lock musket
Flush toilets
I can't think of any funny ways to use those technologies right now, but they have potential. but here's an idea: The Bloody Mary
The drink was invented much later, but let's imagine someone was thinking of it in Shakespear's time. Because the name references Mary Queen of Scots the authorities fear the drink will lead to Scotish nationalism and Papism (as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol, so sir Bond has to find the recipe and destroy it. Bond is torn between his duty and his instinct and values.
In his absence, I've come up with the following. It's based on Number24's ideas above, and leads into the scene where James meets Felix.
(Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Maid Moneypenny attends to her clerking. Enter Sir James Bond.)
Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.
Sir Gareth: Ah, Naught Naught Seven… at last.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink.
(Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.
You beat me to it. But perhaps this could be worked in somewhere between Maid Moneypenny's lines and Sir James's exchange with Sir Gareth?
Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Bleauchamp escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - ''tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, ''tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.
Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.
Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Blofeld escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - 'tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, 'tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink.
(Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I knowest not of this.
Sir Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.
Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
(As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
(At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
(Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
(Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.
We have to add James & Felix ordering two Bloody Marys, and some sort of reaction which leads to James chasing a varlet (leading into the next scene).
Here is a suggestion for a line?
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol. I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I know'st not of this.
Sire Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
There should also be possibilities for jokes about Scottish nationalism and referendums. Have you ever heard of this, Barbel? :v
...but I've added those lines above.