How about something along these lines? Feel free to add, amend or discard! -{
Sir James: I'll get this drink yet. Now, six measures of-
(There is yet another knock at ye door)
Sir James: Gadzooks! Who ist it this time?
(Sir James opens ye door. An elderly lady appears and curtsies).
Elderly lady: Good morrow, s'.
Sir James: Why, Maid May, my elderly Scottish treasure! ''Tis good to see thou finally appear in the story. Hast though come to prepare me a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs from French Marans he-
Maid May: No, s'. I hast come for mine package - mayhap it was delivered earlier in this scene?
(Sir James scrolls upward and recalls ye parcel from ye Wizard).
Sir James: Aye, May, ''tis true, a parcel was delivered, but it from mine colleague, ye Wizard. ''Tis marked "Open me not before November", and I believe ''tis for me. For what awaitest thou?
(Maid May seems somewhat crestfallen).
Maid May: A package from ye big apothecary store, s', Amazonia. It carries some tatties and neeps. A haggis. Some mars bars in ye batter. And some alcohol for double-cleaning the hands after washing. And some extra rolls of paper for ye toile-
Sir James: Alcohol thou sayest? Kina Lillet? When finally, I can enjoy the Vesper I hath been attempting to make all this scene, I'd like it dry.
Maid May: I'm afraid not, s'.
(Sir James sighs).
Sir James: It seems then, 'tis no time for dry.
Maid May: Since I am here s', I might as well clean the place up and make thee some food?
Sir James: Why, of course Maid May.
Maid May: I shall start in ye kitchen.
Sir James: (Puzzled.) Kitchen? I did not know we did have a kitchen! I knowest where ye bed ist, and ye bar, but where ist this kitchen ye speak of?
Maid May: (Long suffering.) In ye same place it hast always been, s'. Perhaps I should make a small fry up?
Sir James: Nay, Maid May, 'tis no time to fry. (A carrier pigeon doth arrive, cooing gently. Sir James unwraps ye message from its leg.)
Sir James: A message from Sir Gareth- he doth say... "I thought I told you to stop doing that."
(Sir James doth sigh loudly ... )
May : No time to sigh S' .... no comfort in a sigh.
Sir James : ye sound like a minstrel, surely.
May: Alack, I am not Shirley.
I'm thinking of having 2 varlets burst through the door to attack Sir James, one grabbing hold of May as hostage. Sir James is naturally infuriated by this and makes short work of the varlets.
Trouble is, making that funny.
Could start with a Dirty Harry homage..
With Sir James say May's been serving
Him coffee for years and knows he doesn't
Take sugar ? Possibly about the length of
Time to boil his eggs ?
After Sir James walks in to the kitchen, to
Prove to himself it exists , to find two knaves
With May ?
Perhaps with Sir James having trouble getting
His sword out so May goes in to Matrix mode ?
After the fight Sir James could ask is she's had any special combat training, with May saying No, I just do a little " Bouncer " work at the weekends ? And I used to be housekeeper to Sir Oliver Reed, t'was a regular occurrence most weekends.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Maid May: I shalt get to work in ye kitchen- ‘tis through that door there. (Maid May goes through ye door.)
Sir James: Oh, is that what that door ist for? Often have I wondered. (After a few moments Maid May returns and hands Sir James a cup.)
Maid May: Here, s’, some coffee while ye wait.
Sir James: I thank’ee. (Maid May returns to ye kitchen. Sir James takes a sip of ye coffee then spits it out in confusion and horror.)
Sir James: Sugar??? All these years Maid May hast been making mine coffee and she hands me one full of sugar??? (He goes into ye kitchen to find two varlets, one with Maid May in a neckhold.)
1st Varlet: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye had better hope that thou hath not hurt Maid May!
2nd Varlet: Oh? And what do ye propose to do about it?
Sir James: This. (Like lightning Sir James reaches for one of Maid May's patented eggs, hard-boiled for thirty-five minutes exactly, and unerringly throws it into ye First Varlet's face. Writhing in agony, ye First Varlet lets go of Maid May as ye Second Varlet makes to stab Sir James who expertly dodges his thrust and goes to draw his sword. It is stuck, and he struggles to draw it free from ye scabbard.)
Sir James: Oh, shi- (Maid May kicks out at ye First Varlet's legs, sending him to ye floor. Instantly, she leaps into ye air and, seemingly in slow motion, thrusts both feet into ye Second Varlet's chest causing him to crash into ye wall, dazed. She then picks up a pot and smashes it into ye First Varlet's skull rendering him unconsc... uncon.. knocked out.)
Sir James: Maid May! Hast thee had any special combat training?
Maid May: Nay, I just do a little Bouncer work at the weekends. And I used to be housekeeper to Sir Oliver Reed, this was a regular occurrence most weekends.
Sir James: Now, where did that pigeon go…? Ah, here it is. (Sir James quickly writes a note and attaches it to ye pigeon’s leg before carrying it to ye window and setting it free.)
Maid May: What art thou doing, s’?
Sir James: I have asked mine liege Sir Gareth to send some men round to pick up these varlets. Now that I know where ye kitchen is, I do not want to step over them every time I go in there.
Maid May: Hmm, I doubt if that shalt be often.
Sir James: Now, I do believe it ist most definitely time for a drink! Three measures of- (There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: That was fast!
(He opens ye door to find ye Young Wizard, carrying a satchel and accompanied by four of Sir Gareth's men.)
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. We have received thine message- this team will take ye varlets away for questioning.
Sir James: Most efficient. (Ye varlets are dragged away.)
Maid May: Methinks I shalt go as well, s', all this excitement ist too much for me.
Sir James: But of course. Fare thee well, Maid May. (Maid May exits, leaving Sir James alone with ye Young Wizard.)
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this-
Now we need a bunch of gadgets, the sillier the better.
No, scratch that, I've had a better idea (saving Q till later)-
(He opens ye door to find a most comely young maiden, accompanied by four of Sir Gareth's men.)
Maiden: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven, sent have we been by Sir Gareth.
Sir James: And very quickly, too.
Maiden: We have received thine message- this team will take ye varlets away for questioning.
Sir James: Most efficient. (Ye varlets are dragged away.)
Maid May: Methinks I shalt go as well, s', all this excitement ist too much for me.
Sir James: But of course. Fare thee well, Maid May. (Maid May exits.)
Maiden: I thought I should stay, in case ye need help finding ye... stationery.
Maid May: (Walking away.) Stationery? He cannot even find ye kitchen!
Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Maiden: Enchanted? May I see? (Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Maiden: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Maiden: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Maiden: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka- (There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. And I am Diane.
Sir James: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Sir James: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Aye, but please do not hold it against me.
Sir James: That was not what I was thinking of holding against thee...
Diane: Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Diane: Enchanted? May I see? (Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Diane: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Diane: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka- (There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
(He opens ye door to find ye Young Wizard, carrying a satchel..)
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. Sent have I been by Sir Gareth to equip thee for thine mission.
Sir James: (Looking longingly at both Diane and ye bar.) Most efficient.
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this-
Now, we need some gadgets for him to supply Sir James with, the sillier the better.
Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Sir James: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Wizard?
Diane: It appears to have something written on it- let me see...
"Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue"
Sir James: Is this some sort of secret magic spell?
Young Wizard: Merely good advice in these beleaguered times, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Well, since thou art here, Young Wizard, would thee care for a drink?
Young Wizard: Well, 'tis lovely to see thee, Naught Naught Seven. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Sir James: (Shaking his head.) I do not think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Young Wizard: Well, what would thee suggest?
Sir James: I know just ye thing... (Sir James turns to ye bar.)
Sir James: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-
(Two black-clad figures crash through ye window.)
1st Varlet: Right, nobody move!
Diane: What ist this?
Second Varlet: Cover them, Mitchell.
1st Varlet: Aye, Webb. Hand over ye toilet roll, apace!
Young Wizard: No fear!
Sir James: Ye toilet roll? But of course. (Sir James throws ye toilet roll at ye 1st Varlet, then throws ye contents of the drink he was preparing into the eyes of ye 2nd Varlet. A brutal swordfight erupts, and Sir James throws both ye varlets out of ye window through which they entered.)
Diane: Oh look, one of them has landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine.
Sir James: What a piercing bore.
Young Wizard: "Piercing bore"? There ist no such expression!
Diane: Well, ye railing ist right next to a crusher and 'tis pretty clear Sir James wanted to say "crushing bore" but he missed, so ist making ye best of a bad job.
Sir James: Enough! Now I must send out to have my window fixed. Young Wizard, I prithee, send workmen to fix mine windows.
Young Wizard: I think I should do this apace. (Ye Young Wizard exits.)
Diane: A cold wind doth blow through thine window now, Sir James. What shalt thou do to keep me warm...?
Sir James: I know just ye thing. Now, three measures of...
Comments
I bet it's not easy to translate on google.
Sir James: I'll get this drink yet. Now, six measures of-
(There is yet another knock at ye door)
Sir James: Gadzooks! Who ist it this time?
(Sir James opens ye door. An elderly lady appears and curtsies).
Elderly lady: Good morrow, s'.
Sir James: Why, Maid May, my elderly Scottish treasure! ''Tis good to see thou finally appear in the story. Hast though come to prepare me a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs from French Marans he-
Maid May: No, s'. I hast come for mine package - mayhap it was delivered earlier in this scene?
(Sir James scrolls upward and recalls ye parcel from ye Wizard).
Sir James: Aye, May, ''tis true, a parcel was delivered, but it from mine colleague, ye Wizard. ''Tis marked "Open me not before November", and I believe ''tis for me. For what awaitest thou?
(Maid May seems somewhat crestfallen).
Maid May: A package from ye big apothecary store, s', Amazonia. It carries some tatties and neeps. A haggis. Some mars bars in ye batter. And some alcohol for double-cleaning the hands after washing. And some extra rolls of paper for ye toile-
Sir James: Alcohol thou sayest? Kina Lillet? When finally, I can enjoy the Vesper I hath been attempting to make all this scene, I'd like it dry.
Maid May: I'm afraid not, s'.
(Sir James sighs).
Sir James: It seems then, 'tis no time for dry.
Sir James: Why, of course Maid May.
Maid May: I shall start in ye kitchen.
Sir James: (Puzzled.) Kitchen? I did not know we did have a kitchen! I knowest where ye bed ist, and ye bar, but where ist this kitchen ye speak of?
Maid May: (Long suffering.) In ye same place it hast always been, s'. Perhaps I should make a small fry up?
Sir James: Nay, Maid May, 'tis no time to fry.
(A carrier pigeon doth arrive, cooing gently. Sir James unwraps ye message from its leg.)
Sir James: A message from Sir Gareth- he doth say... "I thought I told you to stop doing that."
May : No time to sigh S' .... no comfort in a sigh.
Sir James : ye sound like a minstrel May
May : No time to sigh S' .... no comfort in a sigh.
Sir James : ye sound like a minstrel, surely.
May: Alack, I am not Shirley.
Love the S' the closest she ever got to Sir -{
Trouble is, making that funny.
With Sir James say May's been serving
Him coffee for years and knows he doesn't
Take sugar ? Possibly about the length of
Time to boil his eggs ?
After Sir James walks in to the kitchen, to
Prove to himself it exists , to find two knaves
With May ?
Perhaps with Sir James having trouble getting
His sword out so May goes in to Matrix mode ?
After the fight Sir James could ask is she's had any special combat training, with May saying No, I just do a little " Bouncer " work at the weekends ? And I used to be housekeeper to Sir Oliver Reed, t'was a regular occurrence most weekends.
Maid May: I shalt get to work in ye kitchen- ‘tis through that door there.
(Maid May goes through ye door.)
Sir James: Oh, is that what that door ist for? Often have I wondered.
(After a few moments Maid May returns and hands Sir James a cup.)
Maid May: Here, s’, some coffee while ye wait.
Sir James: I thank’ee.
(Maid May returns to ye kitchen. Sir James takes a sip of ye coffee then spits it out in confusion and horror.)
Sir James: Sugar??? All these years Maid May hast been making mine coffee and she hands me one full of sugar???
(He goes into ye kitchen to find two varlets, one with Maid May in a neckhold.)
1st Varlet: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye had better hope that thou hath not hurt Maid May!
2nd Varlet: Oh? And what do ye propose to do about it?
Sir James: This.
(Like lightning Sir James reaches for one of Maid May's patented eggs, hard-boiled for thirty-five minutes exactly, and unerringly throws it into ye First Varlet's face. Writhing in agony, ye First Varlet lets go of Maid May as ye Second Varlet makes to stab Sir James who expertly dodges his thrust and goes to draw his sword. It is stuck, and he struggles to draw it free from ye scabbard.)
Sir James: Oh, shi-
(Maid May kicks out at ye First Varlet's legs, sending him to ye floor. Instantly, she leaps into ye air and, seemingly in slow motion, thrusts both feet into ye Second Varlet's chest causing him to crash into ye wall, dazed. She then picks up a pot and smashes it into ye First Varlet's skull rendering him unconsc... uncon.. knocked out.)
Sir James: Maid May! Hast thee had any special combat training?
Maid May: Nay, I just do a little Bouncer work at the weekends. And I used to be housekeeper to Sir Oliver Reed, this was a regular occurrence most weekends.
(Sir James quickly writes a note and attaches it to ye pigeon’s leg before carrying it to ye window and setting it free.)
Maid May: What art thou doing, s’?
Sir James: I have asked mine liege Sir Gareth to send some men round to pick up these varlets. Now that I know where ye kitchen is, I do not want to step over them every time I go in there.
Maid May: Hmm, I doubt if that shalt be often.
Sir James: Now, I do believe it ist most definitely time for a drink! Three measures of-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: That was fast!
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. We have received thine message- this team will take ye varlets away for questioning.
Sir James: Most efficient.
(Ye varlets are dragged away.)
Maid May: Methinks I shalt go as well, s', all this excitement ist too much for me.
Sir James: But of course. Fare thee well, Maid May.
(Maid May exits, leaving Sir James alone with ye Young Wizard.)
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this-
Now we need a bunch of gadgets, the sillier the better.
(He opens ye door to find a most comely young maiden, accompanied by four of Sir Gareth's men.)
Maiden: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven, sent have we been by Sir Gareth.
Sir James: And very quickly, too.
Maiden: We have received thine message- this team will take ye varlets away for questioning.
Sir James: Most efficient.
(Ye varlets are dragged away.)
Maid May: Methinks I shalt go as well, s', all this excitement ist too much for me.
Sir James: But of course. Fare thee well, Maid May.
(Maid May exits.)
Maiden: I thought I should stay, in case ye need help finding ye... stationery.
Maid May: (Walking away.) Stationery? He cannot even find ye kitchen!
But we need a suitable name for the maiden...
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Maiden: Enchanted? May I see?
(Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Maiden: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Maiden: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Maiden: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
Tamara NeverDies, Diane Otherday,
Connie Lingus, ( he only pays lip service
To her )...... miss B Having ?
Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. And I am Diane.
Sir James: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Sir James: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Aye, but please do not hold it against me.
Sir James: That was not what I was thinking of holding against thee...
Diane: Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Diane: Enchanted? May I see?
(Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Diane: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Diane: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. Sent have I been by Sir Gareth to equip thee for thine mission.
Sir James: (Looking longingly at both Diane and ye bar.) Most efficient.
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this-
Now, we need some gadgets for him to supply Sir James with, the sillier the better.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue.
Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Sir James: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Wizard?
Diane: It appears to have something written on it- let me see...
"Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue"
Sir James: Is this some sort of secret magic spell?
Young Wizard: Merely good advice in these beleaguered times, Naught Naught Seven.
Young Wizard: Well, 'tis lovely to see thee, Naught Naught Seven. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Sir James: (Shaking his head.) I do not think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Young Wizard: Well, what would thee suggest?
Sir James: I know just ye thing...
(Sir James turns to ye bar.)
Sir James: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-
(Two black-clad figures crash through ye window.)
1st Varlet: Right, nobody move!
Diane: What ist this?
Second Varlet: Cover them, Mitchell.
1st Varlet: Aye, Webb. Hand over ye toilet roll, apace!
Young Wizard: No fear!
Sir James: Ye toilet roll? But of course.
(Sir James throws ye toilet roll at ye 1st Varlet, then throws ye contents of the drink he was preparing into the eyes of ye 2nd Varlet. A brutal swordfight erupts, and Sir James throws both ye varlets out of ye window through which they entered.)
Diane: Oh look, one of them has landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine.
Sir James: What a piercing bore.
Young Wizard: "Piercing bore"? There ist no such expression!
Diane: Well, ye railing ist right next to a crusher and 'tis pretty clear Sir James wanted to say "crushing bore" but he missed, so ist making ye best of a bad job.
Sir James: Enough! Now I must send out to have my window fixed. Young Wizard, I prithee, send workmen to fix mine windows.
Young Wizard: I think I should do this apace.
(Ye Young Wizard exits.)
Diane: A cold wind doth blow through thine window now, Sir James. What shalt thou do to keep me warm...?
Sir James: I know just ye thing. Now, three measures of...