that is so much better than anything in the actual film
gymkata said:
I respectfully disagree on that point as I think NTTD is one of the very best Bond films, but there's a lot of gold in here. Barbel has been killing it.
I may mock the film for cheap laffs here, but I think its the best since Casino Royale: a bold What If type experiment, beautifully executed precredits, and finally a villains headquarters that blows up at the end
but for the sake of satire we do have to dig into its weaknesses, and one of them I think is the film's dialog. I think some of these recent bits Barbel has thought of are not just funny, but a more thoughtful summary of Bond's career than the dialog Craig got to speak. Bond in his last moments should look back and review the crazy career he's shared with all of us in the audience
It may or may not be in iambic pentameter, that remains to be seen. Just what emerges from my muse!
As stated above, I'm overloaded simply with trying to keep this rather larger than anticipated operation in some sense of order. We've already had duplication, ie two of us writing the same scene. One has been dealt with, the other I don't think anybody has noticed bar me.
I think I'll spend this evening editing etc, hopefully getting a straight timeline and identifying scenes still to be done rather than doing any writing myself.
The first two that I can think of are Sir J visits ye Comte, and Sir J goes to Norway to see Madeleine and meets Mata... I mean, Mathilde. I had hoped to do the first of those myself but that's unlikely now, at least for a while.
just had a proper read of the "God your thirsty today" scene post 2662
this is very good stuff, but as well as taking a drink every line, M could progressively start to slur his words, stumble as he moves, knock stuff over, miss his glass as he pours, eventually hold the bottle over his head withnail and i style and pour it over his face as he tries to get some in his mouth. Maybe even get belligerent "now l-look you, I, I, I'm the bosh here shee, urp, and wh-wh-what I shay goesh and wh-what i sh-shay, er, wh-what I sh-shay, ish... urp!" (faceplant onto desk)
Dench-M was a binge drinker too during the Brosnan years. Remember in TND she held the meeting in her car in traffic returning from somewhere, and she pulled out a bottle and was the only one drinking?
I had to look up Foster Brooks! so much homework on this project...
I'll give it a try when i get a moment. I realise for the last couple days all I'm contributing is cheap laffs, if the rest of us wish to keep it more sophisticated let me know and I'll stop that. but youre the one who wanted the poopee-cracker jokes!
from this point, I cant think of any full scenes, at least not for the ones Barbel has prioritised. I may just continue to contribute quick gags to insert in scenes others have drafted, to make it more zany, or raw ideas that we can expand upon as we look for an angle to build a joke around.
then once we get to the villain's headquarters, our big challenge is to sort out all the overlapping material we already have and look for gaps.
do we like the idea of zany? @Gymkata was the one who referenced airplane, and thats got a high density of jokes within jokes, many of them utterly stupid but the way they keep appearing while we're still processing a joke that works at another level is part of its genius. I think in terms of early MAD magazine and SCTV, both of which also have densely layered jokes. SCTV is more sophisticated and may be closer to what we're doing.
if we don't know SCTV, I once posted links to several seasons not available on dvd here , its John Candy's sketch comedy show from before he went Hollywood.
a good single episode that shows this multilayered thing is their Fantasy island parody. John Candy plays Hervé Villechaize and Eugene Levy plays Ricardo Montalbán. Watch the way they keep shifting in and out of various characters and how its justified by the concept of the plot. After a while it turns into a Hope and Crosby road movie and then into Casablanca and yet at no point have they left the logic of the basic premise. Of course you have to know the real Ricardo Montalbán was doing car commercials in the mid70s to get one recurring joke, but then its topped by a cheap zany "Boss! Boss! Snap out of it!" that's funny even if you didn't get the reference.
A garage. Sir James enters from stage right, nearing a carriage which ist covered by a tarpaulin. He reaches over and take the tarpaulin off, revealing an older style carriage (perhaps 30 years older, give or take, from current design).
Sir James: Truly, a vintage conveyance to serve my needs.
(As he nears it, an older Welshman enters ye garage. He is clearly weeping from distress.)
Welshman: Hold! That ist MINE carriage!
Sir James: At one time, perhaps it was. 'Tis mine now...you may leave.
Welshman: I call upon thee to watch thine tongue! I did this long before you did and you should be wise to give your elders more respect!
(Sir James laughs.)
Sir James: Thou wert unloved back then and doubly unloved now. Enjoy thine retirement with ye others.
(The Welshman harumphs and leaves. Sir James enters ye carriage and drives off.)
(Sir James drives his carriage to just outside ye building where Sir Gareth and his entourage await. He parks, casually.)
Warden: Hey, no parking here!
(Sir James rapidly dons a white wig and an eyepatch.)
Warden: Oh, pardon, Monsieur Largo.
(The warden wanders off and Sir James enters ye building, removing ye wig and eyepatch. He approaches ye desk.)
Attendant: Aye?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond.
(Ye attendant looks on blankly, obviously expecting more.)
Sir James: ….James Bond?
(There ist no reaction. Sir James addresses ye audience.)
It comes to this, I stand alone
My name no longer always known
From one too young to know the facts
Of how I saved the world from Drax
And Stromberg too, the list is long
In words and pictures, on and on
Great tales of battles, thrills and shocks
Inside volcanoes and Fort Knox
Of magic cars, and climbs and falls
And one who died to scratch my-
(Enter Maid Moneypenny.)
Moneypenny: ‘Tis all right, Higgins, he is expected.
(Moneypenny leads Sir James through ye corridors.)
Moneypenny: It has been a while, has it not?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Moneypenny: Didst thee enjoy thine fine retirement?
Sir James: Oh, do be silent.
(As they walk toward ye throne room of Sir Gareth, they are joined by Nomi.)
Nomi: So! Thou hast returned, as we have expected.
Sir James: ‘Twas ye only thing left to do.
Nomi: Pray, Sir James... where ist ye Annoying Little Alchemist?
Moneypenny: Most curious! I see that you have made fast friends, Sir James!
(Outside Sir Gareth’s door, a secretary awaits.)
Secretary: Good morrow, Naught Naught Seven.
Nomi: That must be troublesome to you, true? And my question remains unanswered... where ist ye Annoying Little Alchemist?
Sir James: Alas, he hath departed for greener pastures with someone else.
Moneypenny: Naught Naught Seven, he will see you now.
Sir James and Nomi: Thank you.
(Nomi and Sir James both make to enterat ye same time. They wedge shoulders against ye doorframe and each other so neither can move further, then exchange glares realising they are both stuck.)
Nomi: What makes you think he meant you, geriatric?
Sir James: What makes you think he meant you, whippersnapper?
Moneypenny: No, not thee, Naught Naught Seven- Sir James.
(Nomi quietly fumes as Sir James goes through ye door.)
The scene with the Welshman needs a line about attaching reins to some horses. How about Sir Pierce and Sir George. The Welshman can be upset there is no Sir Timothy.
Sir Gareth: 'Hold thine tongue! Thou art completely out of line! Or something. Thou art a part of the solution...no, a part of the problem...yesh, the problem, not a part of the solution. Shtay and help or leave now. Goodbye! Poneymenny! Shend in Aught Aught Aught Aughta remember it by now...Seven!' etc
yes, thats good! I laughed all the way through, and the fact Bond reads his lines straight as if theres nothing unusual right up til "ye gods thou art thirsty" just makes it all the better
just wanted to point out, when we get to the part where the Giant CannonBalls hit at the end and the stage goes white, over in this thread from pgs 6 through 8 various screenshots have been posted showing the whiteout in frame by frame detail.
we could maybe recycle some of these, say three in a row, to suggest what is happening on our Stage?
A quick note- I'm in the midst of a weekend off. The Bride and I are wandering in the mid-northern parts of Scotland, and came across (we weren't planning it) the location for Hagrid's hut in the Harry Potter movies. The James Bond link is that, of course, Robbie Coltrane played Hagrid as well as Valentin Zukovsky in two Bond movies. I'll be back soon.
Way back we were discussing Bond and Safin's battle needs to be a swordfight rather than gunplay, and that we could do good swashbuckly stuff with a swordfight. Also, we discussed the idea this not Safin's headquarters from the film, but rather Blofeld's castle from the book and should keep that setting in mind.
So I was looking in Fleming's book for descriptions of the castle and ended up more interested in this: Fleming wrote a swordfight, though to be precise Bond's weapon is a stave (whatever a stave is?). Ever since he first appeared Blofeld's been waving round this immense Samurai sword. I think we could quote literal passages from this to describe the stage action that would be recognised by those who know their Fleming, just Shakespear-imify the wording and make more silly. (this chapter actually starts with a classic Bond vs villain dialog that could also be paraphrased in place of what EON gave us)
... Blofeld was a big man, perhaps six foot three, and powerfully built. He placed the tip of the samurai sword, which has almost the blade of the scimitar, between his straddled feet, and rested his sinewy hands on its boss ....
...'So enough of this idle chatter. You have already kept us from our beds far too long. Do you want to be hacked about in a vulgar brawl, or will you offer your neck in the honourable fashion?' Blofeld took a step forward and raised his mighty sword in both hands and held it above his head. The light from the oil lamps shimmered on the blade and showed up the golden filigree engraving.
Bond knew what to do. He had known as soon as he had been led back into the room and had seen the wounded guard's stave still standing in the shadowed angle of the wall. But there was a bell-push near the woman [Irma Bunt]. She would have to be dealt with first! Had he learned enough of the thrusts and parries of bojutsu from the demonstration at the ninja training camp? Bond hurled himself to the left, seized the stave and leaped at the woman whose hand was already reaching upwards. The stave thudded into the side of her head and she sprawled grotesquely forward off her chair and lay still.
Blofeld's sword whistled down, inches from his shoulder. Bond twisted and lunged to his full extent, thrusting his stave forward in the groove of his left hand almost as if it had been a billiard cue. The tip caught Blofeld hard on the breastbone and flung him against the wall, but he hurtled back and came inexorably forward, swishing his sword like a scythe. Bond aimed at his right arm, missed and had to retreat. He was concentrating on keeping his weapon as well as his body away from the whirling steel, or his stave would be cut like a matchstick, and its extra length was his only hope of victory.
Blofeld suddenly lunged, expertly, his right knee bent forward. Bond feinted to the left, but he was inches too slow and the tip of the sword flicked his left ribs, drawing blood. But before Blofeld could withdraw, Bond had slashed two-handed, sideways, at his legs. His stave met bone. Blofeld cursed, and made an ineffectual stab at Bond's weapon.
Then he advanced again and Bond could only dodge and feint in the middle of the room and make quick short lunges to keep the enemy at bay. But he was losing ground in front of the whirling steel, and now Blofeld, scenting victory, took lightning steps and thrust forward like a snake. Bond leaped sideways, saw his chance and gave a mighty sweep of his stave. It caught Blofeld on his right shoulder and drew a curse from him. His main sword arm! Bond pressed forward, lancing again and again with his weapon and scoring several hits to the body, but one of Blofeld's parries caught the stave and cut off that one vital foot of extra length as if it had been a candle-end.
Blofeld saw his advantage and began attacking, making furious forward jabs that Bond could only parry by hitting at the flat of the sword to deflect it. But now the stave was slippery in the sweat of his hands and for the first time he felt the cold breath of defeat at his neck. And Blofeld seemed to smell it, for he suddenly executed one of his fast running lunges to get under Bond's guard. Bond guessed the distance of the wall behind him and leaped backwards against it. Even so he felt the sword-point fan across his stomach. But, hurled back by his impact with the wall, he counter-lunged, swept the sword aside with his stave and, dropping his weapon, made a dive for Blofeld's neck and got both hands to it.
For a moment the two sweating faces were almost up against each other. The boss of Blofeld's sword battered into Bond's side. Bond hardly felt the crashing blows. He pressed with his thumbs, and pressed and pressed and heard the sword clank to the floor and felt Blofeld's fingers and nails tearing at his face, trying to reach his eyes. Bond whispered through his gritted teeth, 'Die, Blofeld! Die!' And suddenly the tongue was out and the eyes rolled upwards and the body slipped down to the ground. But Bond followed it and knelt, his hands cramped round the powerful neck, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, in the terrible grip of blood lust.
the last paragraph of that extended Fleming quote would not be Safin's death scene. We have to figure out a different death for him (I had earlier suggested decapitation with one clean sword swing so that we may have a skull for Bond to use in the classic Hamlet pose a few lines later, see post 2499)
why cant we use it for Safin?
because its the actual basis for Blofeld's death scene earlier in our Playe, and by nice coincidence the capper to one of the scenes we're currently trying to prioritise!
I'll have a go at rewriting that paragraph in a second. Do we still want Blofeld to turn into a BoJo at the end? I'll try to write it so theres some Bojo related lines we can easily include or leave out as we choose. but by the logic above, Blofeld is a target not a carrier so he should turn into a Bojo.
(Sir James has been left alone with the Comte, while Sir Mallory and the others observe through two way mirror.)
[much other dialog must go here, but lets include a variation of this gag]
Blofeld; I am really upset, Bond! I'm the real victim here!
Bond: what? in what possible sense are you the real victim?
Blofeld: This scene! the Playe is nearly three hours long and this is my only scene!
Bond: That's your own fault you fiend, for you stunk up the last Playe with your understated performance! "Inglorious Basterd" my arse, more like Insufferable Bore!
[Then comes yet more important dialog, to be written, finally we get to the big moment...]
(Blofeld has just said something to really piss off Bond, and Bond loses selfcontrol) [I will bold and italicize the authentic Fleming so we can keep track during rewrites]
(Bond makes a dive for Blofeld's neck and gets both hands round it).
Bond: Why you little...!!
Blofeld : glug! gak urpp!
(the two sweating faces are almost up against each other. With shackled hands Blofeld attempts to slap Bond's face.Bond presses with his thumbs, and presses and presses and feels Blofeld's fingers and nails tearing at his face, trying to reach his eyes.)
Bond(whispering through his gritted teeth): Die, Blofeld!!! Die!!!
(suddenly Blofeld's tongue is out and the eyes roll upwards and the body slips down to the ground. Bond follows it and kneels, his hands cramped round the powerful neck, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, in the terrible grip of blood lust.)
(but just then, Blofeld reopens eyes, he's still not quite dead, and tries to point at the back of Bond's hand. Bond looks down to see a nasty filthy giant mutant Flea has crawled out from under his sleeve, across the back of his hand, and now leaps onto Blofeld's nose! Blofeld is really scared now!)
Bond (comes to his senses and loosens grip) What now, Blofeld you old fraud?
(Flea bites Blofeld's nose)
Blofeld: Ouch!
(Blofeld begins sweating profusely, then coffs, then sneezes. Then his neck quickly grows goiter-sized Buboes pustules, and his extremities turn black)
Bond: yecch! Its those Symptoms, all over again!
(Blofeld rises slightly and makes a whoopee cushion sound effect, but more drawn out like his bum is pronouncing a six syllable word)
Blofeld: plll-ffttt--ffttt-toot-toot-toot!!!
Bond: hahaha! That was good!
Blofeld: its not funny Bond, I'm dying of Bubonic Plague over here!
Bond: I'm sorry Blofeld, but that sound effect is always funny.
Blofeld: gag, ulp, blarggghhh!! (vomits blood in Bond's face as they are still nose to nose)
Bond: Blofeld, thou didst not need to do that! (wipes eyes with handkerchief)
(but once Bond's eyes are cleared of blood and bile, he sees in the place of Blofeld, ...a somewhat chubby middle aged man with unruly blonde hair!!)
BoJoBlofeld (singing): Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin. Could have been three or four six-packs, I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in, My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die, Tell me, me oh me oh my, Wasn't that a party?
[if nobody knows the old Irish Rovers song, or its just not good enough, replace with something better, but we'll need a Bojo-the-Partier line here]
(Mallory et al enter)
Mallory: What the hell did you just do Bond? Oh, you're really in trouble this time! You're... fired!!!
Bond: You cant fire me you idiot, I retired five years ago, didn't you see the first two Actes of the Playe?
I'm going to take my time thinking that one through.
Meantime, as requested:
The first part is complete, unless anyone can find a part we’ve missed. This ends with the death of Felix.
Second part-
1) Sir J returns to London- he gets his carriage and goes to HQ. (Written.)
2) He visits M in his office. (Written.)
3) Sir J and Moneypenny call on ye Young Wizard. (Written.)
4) Safin visits Madeleine. (Written.)
5) Sir J and M talk on ye banks of ye Thames. (Written.)
(Here follows I think another office scene which we may or may not need. Things get awful stodgy here.)
6) Sir J goes to see ye Comte de Blofeld, running into Madeleine. (Not written, and possibly followed by yet another office scene, can’t remember- anyone?)
7) Sir J goes to Norway, visits Madeleine, meets Mathilde. (I’ve got this one planned, will write soon.)
8) The chase scene, Madeleine and Mathilde are kidnapped. (Not written.)
9) Sir J meets Nomi, is told where Safin’s HQ is, M tells them both to go there, Nomi asks for Sir J to be Naught Naught Seven again. (Not written.)
10) They go there with ye Young Wizard explaining that Sir J’s enchanted bracelet (which he gives him) will let his crystal ball know where they are. (Not written.)
Then we get into the whole end part. We have this mostly written (though it still needs some organisation which I haven't got to yet) until the THING (I can’t bring myself to say it) itself, where we only have the end part.
I mentioned above that we can get rid of the Norway chase. Have Safin and Logan attack at Madeline's house and kidnap her and the girl. We can crush Logan under some large piece of furniture. Something ignominious.
Okay, I'll do another action scene, this one more close quarters combat. I'll be interested in what you've put in the house for me to use. I'm already getting some ideas and callback dialogue.
I think we should have some dialog somewhere where Nomi complains she isnt getting any lines on this Playe. Nomi could mention her character was hyped in all the Broadsides as the All New Aught Aught Seven for two years leading up to the Playe's release, and now the actual Playe's halfway through she's gotten two lines at most. (she's right you know!) Mallory couldve forgotten hiring her "does anybody else recognise this woman?". Moneypenny could confirm Nomi's been on the payroll five years, even taken paid vacation time but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialog even when she's in the office. Bond could suggest Nomi could save the world then, and he can return to Jamaica, all she needs is a bit of last minute training and he knows the CIA has a 3 week crash course.
Nomi: "this self-referential rant is my first significant speech in the entire Playe!" Mallory: "I cant find it in the script..." Bond: "no but its more inspired than the exposition we're supposed to be delivering in this scene, lets see where she's going with this"
also I have no ideas about the action scenes, but pwease give Mathilde some dialog in the Norway scenes
maybe something like Mathilde: "hewwo mummy! is this your new Uncle Fwend who'll be sweeping over? Hewwo new Uncle Fwend, mummy's wast Uncle Fwend brought me wots of toys and candy, heew's a wist of my favouwite toys and candy you can bwing to gain my favour!" Bond "those bright blue eyes are freaking me out"!
to be precise I suggested a gag to immediately follow the wake, the wake itself remains to be written
the toast itself is another quote from Fleming, so best to keep that line somewhat recognisable. Maybe Moneypenny could ask "didnt we already use this Fleming quote two Playes ago when everybody thought he was dead after I'd shot him?" M and/or Q and/or Tanner: "probably, who can even keep track how many times this one's been thought dead or retired or gone rogue?" Q: "speaking of which, still no word on that missing Weather Balloon sir, but theres this island of Japanese fishing girls who keep giggling and winking at each other whenever we mention Bond's name"
Norway. Sir James drives his carriage down a coastal road. Spying a house, he draws up and goes to ye door. Ye sound of girls laughing and giggling ist heard from inside. A man answers, fastening his robe.
Man: Aye?
Young Lady’s Voice: (From inside.) Who is it, mine darling?
2nd Young Lady’s Voice: (From inside.) Tell him to go away!
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave, I seek Number 22 Frozen Lake Lane.
Man: Ye next house- I am Number 24.
Sir James: Ah, I see. I thank’ee.
Number 24: No problem. Coming, girls….
(Sir James goes back to his carriage and drives on. At ye next house, he tethers his horses and fetches their nosebags, giving them a swift shake but not a stir.)
Sir James: Wait here, Sir George, Sir Pierce.
(He goes to ye house and enters through ye open door to find Madeleine awaiting.)
Apothecary Swann: Why hast ye come, Sir James?
Sir James: Thou must tell me who gave ye the nano-fleas, Madeleine.
Apothecary Swann: Ist ye Comte de Blofeld dead?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Apothecary Swann: Good.
Sir James: He didst tell me that you did not betray me.
Apothecary Swann: Thou art not built to trust people.
Sir James: I know not why thou didst try to kill ye Comte, or who gave thee ye means, but I do know that for what felt like five minutes of mine life I wanted everything with thee.
Apothecary Swann: And not because I did not trust ye.
(There ist a soft noise from ye stairs. Sir James looks up to find a young girl, perhaps four years old.)
Apothecary Swann: This ist Mathilde.
Sir James: (Alarmed.) Mata?
Apothecary Swann: Nay, Mathilde.
Mathilde: (Showing her toy.) And thith ith Dou Dou.
Sir James: Ahhh… Er…. I bid thee greetings. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Apothecary Swann: And she ist not thine.
Sir James: (Doing some swift mental calculations, and noting the familiar blue eyes.) But of course….
(Ye next morning, Mathilde enters ye bedroom, bringing Dou Dou, to find Madeleine and Sir James in bed together.)
Mathilde: (Wide eyed.) J’ai faim.
Sir James: Er…. Hungry! Aye, of course.
(He gets out of bed and starts toward ye kitchen.)
Sir James: Let us see what we can do about that.
Mathilde: Merci.
(She takes his hand as they walk. Sir James at first looks uncomfortable, then starts to smile as they enter ye kitchen.)
Sir James: Now, let us see…. bacon?
(Mathilde smiles as he opens a cupboard. Yepantry shelves are filled with containers of Ludefisk and Pickled Herring.)
Sir James: Ah… Perhaps not. Eggs! I know a very good recipe for scrambled eggs. I... er... read it in a book once.
(He looks around in vain for eggs. Mathilde giggles and whispers to Dou Dou.)
Sir James: Well, not eggs then. Bread?
(He opens a cupboard.)
Sir James: Ah…
(Madeleine enters ye kitchen.)
Apothecary Swann: Having a problem, Sir James?
Sir James: No, I….
Apothecary Swann: Give her an apple.
James: An apple. Of course.
(He produces a knife and begins to peel ye apple…)
Apothecary Swann: Look yonder, out ye window.
Sir James: What is it?
Apothecary Swann: ‘Tis Westward_Drift coming to write ye rest of this scene.
Comments
I said:
that is so much better than anything in the actual film
gymkata said:
I respectfully disagree on that point as I think NTTD is one of the very best Bond films, but there's a lot of gold in here. Barbel has been killing it.
I may mock the film for cheap laffs here, but I think its the best since Casino Royale: a bold What If type experiment, beautifully executed precredits, and finally a villains headquarters that blows up at the end
but for the sake of satire we do have to dig into its weaknesses, and one of them I think is the film's dialog. I think some of these recent bits Barbel has thought of are not just funny, but a more thoughtful summary of Bond's career than the dialog Craig got to speak. Bond in his last moments should look back and review the crazy career he's shared with all of us in the audience
Dou or Dou not, there is no try.
Sorry, I'll get my hat.
It may or may not be in iambic pentameter, that remains to be seen. Just what emerges from my muse!
As stated above, I'm overloaded simply with trying to keep this rather larger than anticipated operation in some sense of order. We've already had duplication, ie two of us writing the same scene. One has been dealt with, the other I don't think anybody has noticed bar me.
I think I'll spend this evening editing etc, hopefully getting a straight timeline and identifying scenes still to be done rather than doing any writing myself.
The first two that I can think of are Sir J visits ye Comte, and Sir J goes to Norway to see Madeleine and meets Mata... I mean, Mathilde. I had hoped to do the first of those myself but that's unlikely now, at least for a while.
if you cant find time to write the Blofeld scene, can you share with us your intended jokes or other vague ideas?
its a big scene, it could maybe justify a bit more collaboration and rewrites before its done
just had a proper read of the "God your thirsty today" scene post 2662
this is very good stuff, but as well as taking a drink every line, M could progressively start to slur his words, stumble as he moves, knock stuff over, miss his glass as he pours, eventually hold the bottle over his head withnail and i style and pour it over his face as he tries to get some in his mouth. Maybe even get belligerent "now l-look you, I, I, I'm the bosh here shee, urp, and wh-wh-what I shay goesh and wh-what i sh-shay, er, wh-what I sh-shay, ish... urp!" (faceplant onto desk)
Dench-M was a binge drinker too during the Brosnan years. Remember in TND she held the meeting in her car in traffic returning from somewhere, and she pulled out a bottle and was the only one drinking?
I had to look up Foster Brooks! so much homework on this project...
I'll give it a try when i get a moment. I realise for the last couple days all I'm contributing is cheap laffs, if the rest of us wish to keep it more sophisticated let me know and I'll stop that. but youre the one who wanted the poopee-cracker jokes!
from this point, I cant think of any full scenes, at least not for the ones Barbel has prioritised. I may just continue to contribute quick gags to insert in scenes others have drafted, to make it more zany, or raw ideas that we can expand upon as we look for an angle to build a joke around.
then once we get to the villain's headquarters, our big challenge is to sort out all the overlapping material we already have and look for gaps.
do we like the idea of zany? @Gymkata was the one who referenced airplane, and thats got a high density of jokes within jokes, many of them utterly stupid but the way they keep appearing while we're still processing a joke that works at another level is part of its genius. I think in terms of early MAD magazine and SCTV, both of which also have densely layered jokes. SCTV is more sophisticated and may be closer to what we're doing.
if we don't know SCTV, I once posted links to several seasons not available on dvd here , its John Candy's sketch comedy show from before he went Hollywood.
a good single episode that shows this multilayered thing is their Fantasy island parody. John Candy plays Hervé Villechaize and Eugene Levy plays Ricardo Montalbán. Watch the way they keep shifting in and out of various characters and how its justified by the concept of the plot. After a while it turns into a Hope and Crosby road movie and then into Casablanca and yet at no point have they left the logic of the basic premise. Of course you have to know the real Ricardo Montalbán was doing car commercials in the mid70s to get one recurring joke, but then its topped by a cheap zany "Boss! Boss! Snap out of it!" that's funny even if you didn't get the reference.
Just tell me if I'm working on the right lines here or heading in the wrong direction.
The last speech of Sir James, on an island near Asia.
At last death comes, in gentle irony
When now I have a… family
As darkness looms and life is done
I know I didn’t stand alone
I won’t regret the lips I’ve kissed
Rather, those I had to miss
The friends I made, the places seen
The Queen’s man I have always been
At least I know I’ll meet anew
My mother Monique, my father Andrew
For those who grieve, let this suffice
As a wise man said, you only live-
(There is a sudden explosion and Sir James disappears from view. It ist impossible to tell if he hast been blown into ye sea or into little pieces.)
I'll have to see what ideas appear. Now, back to ye editing...
Gymkata, me, caractacus
Act 3, Scene 1
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A garage. Sir James enters from stage right, nearing a carriage which ist covered by a tarpaulin. He reaches over and take the tarpaulin off, revealing an older style carriage (perhaps 30 years older, give or take, from current design).
Sir James: Truly, a vintage conveyance to serve my needs.
(As he nears it, an older Welshman enters ye garage. He is clearly weeping from distress.)
Welshman: Hold! That ist MINE carriage!
Sir James: At one time, perhaps it was. 'Tis mine now...you may leave.
Welshman: I call upon thee to watch thine tongue! I did this long before you did and you should be wise to give your elders more respect!
(Sir James laughs.)
Sir James: Thou wert unloved back then and doubly unloved now. Enjoy thine retirement with ye others.
(The Welshman harumphs and leaves. Sir James enters ye carriage and drives off.)
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Act 3, Scene 2
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(Sir James drives his carriage to just outside ye building where Sir Gareth and his entourage await. He parks, casually.)
Warden: Hey, no parking here!
(Sir James rapidly dons a white wig and an eyepatch.)
Warden: Oh, pardon, Monsieur Largo.
(The warden wanders off and Sir James enters ye building, removing ye wig and eyepatch. He approaches ye desk.)
Attendant: Aye?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond.
(Ye attendant looks on blankly, obviously expecting more.)
Sir James: ….James Bond?
(There ist no reaction. Sir James addresses ye audience.)
It comes to this, I stand alone
My name no longer always known
From one too young to know the facts
Of how I saved the world from Drax
And Stromberg too, the list is long
In words and pictures, on and on
Great tales of battles, thrills and shocks
Inside volcanoes and Fort Knox
Of magic cars, and climbs and falls
And one who died to scratch my-
(Enter Maid Moneypenny.)
Moneypenny: ‘Tis all right, Higgins, he is expected.
(Moneypenny leads Sir James through ye corridors.)
Moneypenny: It has been a while, has it not?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Moneypenny: Didst thee enjoy thine fine retirement?
Sir James: Oh, do be silent.
(As they walk toward ye throne room of Sir Gareth, they are joined by Nomi.)
Nomi: So! Thou hast returned, as we have expected.
Sir James: ‘Twas ye only thing left to do.
Nomi: Pray, Sir James... where ist ye Annoying Little Alchemist?
Moneypenny: Most curious! I see that you have made fast friends, Sir James!
(Outside Sir Gareth’s door, a secretary awaits.)
Secretary: Good morrow, Naught Naught Seven.
Nomi: That must be troublesome to you, true? And my question remains unanswered... where ist ye Annoying Little Alchemist?
Sir James: Alas, he hath departed for greener pastures with someone else.
Moneypenny: Naught Naught Seven, he will see you now.
Sir James and Nomi: Thank you.
(Nomi and Sir James both make to enter at ye same time. They wedge shoulders against ye doorframe and each other so neither can move further, then exchange glares realising they are both stuck.)
Nomi: What makes you think he meant you, geriatric?
Sir James: What makes you think he meant you, whippersnapper?
Moneypenny: No, not thee, Naught Naught Seven- Sir James.
(Nomi quietly fumes as Sir James goes through ye door.)
The scene with the Welshman needs a line about attaching reins to some horses. How about Sir Pierce and Sir George. The Welshman can be upset there is no Sir Timothy.
No problem
Sir James: Thou wert unloved back then and doubly unloved now. Enjoy thine retirement with ye others.
(Sir James attaches two horses to ye reins.)
Sir James: Hey there, Sir George. Hold fast, Sir Pierce.
Welshman: What? No Sir Timothy?
(The Welshman harumphs and leaves. Sir James enters ye carriage and drives off.)
I assume CIA stands for Colonial Investigation Agency, headquartered in Jamestown or Williamsburg, Virginia.
To lengthen the last speech-
The last speech of Sir James, on an island near Asia.
At last death comes, in gentle irony
When now I have a… family
As darkness looms and life is done
I know I didn’t stand alone
I won’t regret the lips I’ve kissed
Rather, those I had to miss
The friends I made, the places seen
The Queen’s man I have always been
I fought below the ocean blue
In Egypt, Russia, Jamaica too
I saved more damsels than one can know
On boats, on horseback, and on a cello
Villains foul, both thin and fat
With daggers, knives, and a white cat
I faced them all, did never run
From bowler hat or golden gun
At least I know I'll meet anew
My mother Monique, my father Andrew
For those who grieve, let this suffice
As a wise man said, you only live-
(There ist a sudden explosion and Sir James disappears from view. It ist impossible to tell if he has been blown into ye sea or to little pieces.)
gymkata sez:
Sir Gareth: 'Hold thine tongue! Thou art completely out of line! Or something. Thou art a part of the solution...no, a part of the problem...yesh, the problem, not a part of the solution. Shtay and help or leave now. Goodbye! Poneymenny! Shend in Aught Aught Aught Aughta remember it by now...Seven!' etc
yes, thats good! I laughed all the way through, and the fact Bond reads his lines straight as if theres nothing unusual right up til "ye gods thou art thirsty" just makes it all the better
just wanted to point out, when we get to the part where the Giant CannonBalls hit at the end and the stage goes white, over in this thread from pgs 6 through 8 various screenshots have been posted showing the whiteout in frame by frame detail.
we could maybe recycle some of these, say three in a row, to suggest what is happening on our Stage?
A quick note- I'm in the midst of a weekend off. The Bride and I are wandering in the mid-northern parts of Scotland, and came across (we weren't planning it) the location for Hagrid's hut in the Harry Potter movies. The James Bond link is that, of course, Robbie Coltrane played Hagrid as well as Valentin Zukovsky in two Bond movies. I'll be back soon.
Way back we were discussing Bond and Safin's battle needs to be a swordfight rather than gunplay, and that we could do good swashbuckly stuff with a swordfight. Also, we discussed the idea this not Safin's headquarters from the film, but rather Blofeld's castle from the book and should keep that setting in mind.
So I was looking in Fleming's book for descriptions of the castle and ended up more interested in this: Fleming wrote a swordfight, though to be precise Bond's weapon is a stave (whatever a stave is?). Ever since he first appeared Blofeld's been waving round this immense Samurai sword. I think we could quote literal passages from this to describe the stage action that would be recognised by those who know their Fleming, just Shakespear-imify the wording and make more silly. (this chapter actually starts with a classic Bond vs villain dialog that could also be paraphrased in place of what EON gave us)
... Blofeld was a big man, perhaps six foot three, and powerfully built. He placed the tip of the samurai sword, which has almost the blade of the scimitar, between his straddled feet, and rested his sinewy hands on its boss ....
...'So enough of this idle chatter. You have already kept us from our beds far too long. Do you want to be hacked about in a vulgar brawl, or will you offer your neck in the honourable fashion?' Blofeld took a step forward and raised his mighty sword in both hands and held it above his head. The light from the oil lamps shimmered on the blade and showed up the golden filigree engraving.
Bond knew what to do. He had known as soon as he had been led back into the room and had seen the wounded guard's stave still standing in the shadowed angle of the wall. But there was a bell-push near the woman [Irma Bunt]. She would have to be dealt with first! Had he learned enough of the thrusts and parries of bojutsu from the demonstration at the ninja training camp? Bond hurled himself to the left, seized the stave and leaped at the woman whose hand was already reaching upwards. The stave thudded into the side of her head and she sprawled grotesquely forward off her chair and lay still.
Blofeld's sword whistled down, inches from his shoulder. Bond twisted and lunged to his full extent, thrusting his stave forward in the groove of his left hand almost as if it had been a billiard cue. The tip caught Blofeld hard on the breastbone and flung him against the wall, but he hurtled back and came inexorably forward, swishing his sword like a scythe. Bond aimed at his right arm, missed and had to retreat. He was concentrating on keeping his weapon as well as his body away from the whirling steel, or his stave would be cut like a matchstick, and its extra length was his only hope of victory.
Blofeld suddenly lunged, expertly, his right knee bent forward. Bond feinted to the left, but he was inches too slow and the tip of the sword flicked his left ribs, drawing blood. But before Blofeld could withdraw, Bond had slashed two-handed, sideways, at his legs. His stave met bone. Blofeld cursed, and made an ineffectual stab at Bond's weapon.
Then he advanced again and Bond could only dodge and feint in the middle of the room and make quick short lunges to keep the enemy at bay. But he was losing ground in front of the whirling steel, and now Blofeld, scenting victory, took lightning steps and thrust forward like a snake. Bond leaped sideways, saw his chance and gave a mighty sweep of his stave. It caught Blofeld on his right shoulder and drew a curse from him. His main sword arm! Bond pressed forward, lancing again and again with his weapon and scoring several hits to the body, but one of Blofeld's parries caught the stave and cut off that one vital foot of extra length as if it had been a candle-end.
Blofeld saw his advantage and began attacking, making furious forward jabs that Bond could only parry by hitting at the flat of the sword to deflect it. But now the stave was slippery in the sweat of his hands and for the first time he felt the cold breath of defeat at his neck. And Blofeld seemed to smell it, for he suddenly executed one of his fast running lunges to get under Bond's guard. Bond guessed the distance of the wall behind him and leaped backwards against it. Even so he felt the sword-point fan across his stomach. But, hurled back by his impact with the wall, he counter-lunged, swept the sword aside with his stave and, dropping his weapon, made a dive for Blofeld's neck and got both hands to it.
For a moment the two sweating faces were almost up against each other. The boss of Blofeld's sword battered into Bond's side. Bond hardly felt the crashing blows. He pressed with his thumbs, and pressed and pressed and heard the sword clank to the floor and felt Blofeld's fingers and nails tearing at his face, trying to reach his eyes. Bond whispered through his gritted teeth, 'Die, Blofeld! Die!' And suddenly the tongue was out and the eyes rolled upwards and the body slipped down to the ground. But Bond followed it and knelt, his hands cramped round the powerful neck, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, in the terrible grip of blood lust.
from chapter 20 Blood and Thunder
A stave is a staff. A long stick. Think Little John in Robin Hood.
@caractacus potts excellent idea. I have not read YOLT since high school so completely forgot the actual fight details.
Once Barbel is back from his weekend I think it's time for an Act and Scene list/description to quickly see where we are.
the last paragraph of that extended Fleming quote would not be Safin's death scene. We have to figure out a different death for him (I had earlier suggested decapitation with one clean sword swing so that we may have a skull for Bond to use in the classic Hamlet pose a few lines later, see post 2499)
why cant we use it for Safin?
because its the actual basis for Blofeld's death scene earlier in our Playe, and by nice coincidence the capper to one of the scenes we're currently trying to prioritise!
I'll have a go at rewriting that paragraph in a second. Do we still want Blofeld to turn into a BoJo at the end? I'll try to write it so theres some Bojo related lines we can easily include or leave out as we choose. but by the logic above, Blofeld is a target not a carrier so he should turn into a Bojo.
(Sir James has been left alone with the Comte, while Sir Mallory and the others observe through two way mirror.)
[much other dialog must go here, but lets include a variation of this gag]
Blofeld; I am really upset, Bond! I'm the real victim here!
Bond: what? in what possible sense are you the real victim?
Blofeld: This scene! the Playe is nearly three hours long and this is my only scene!
Bond: That's your own fault you fiend, for you stunk up the last Playe with your understated performance! "Inglorious Basterd" my arse, more like Insufferable Bore!
[Then comes yet more important dialog, to be written, finally we get to the big moment...]
(Blofeld has just said something to really piss off Bond, and Bond loses selfcontrol) [I will bold and italicize the authentic Fleming so we can keep track during rewrites]
(Bond makes a dive for Blofeld's neck and gets both hands round it).
Bond: Why you little...!!
Blofeld : glug! gak urpp!
(the two sweating faces are almost up against each other. With shackled hands Blofeld attempts to slap Bond's face. Bond presses with his thumbs, and presses and presses and feels Blofeld's fingers and nails tearing at his face, trying to reach his eyes.)
Bond (whispering through his gritted teeth): Die, Blofeld!!! Die!!!
(suddenly Blofeld's tongue is out and the eyes roll upwards and the body slips down to the ground. Bond follows it and kneels, his hands cramped round the powerful neck, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, in the terrible grip of blood lust.)
(but just then, Blofeld reopens eyes, he's still not quite dead, and tries to point at the back of Bond's hand. Bond looks down to see a nasty filthy giant mutant Flea has crawled out from under his sleeve, across the back of his hand, and now leaps onto Blofeld's nose! Blofeld is really scared now!)
Bond (comes to his senses and loosens grip) What now, Blofeld you old fraud?
(Flea bites Blofeld's nose)
Blofeld: Ouch!
(Blofeld begins sweating profusely, then coffs, then sneezes. Then his neck quickly grows goiter-sized Buboes pustules, and his extremities turn black)
Bond: yecch! Its those Symptoms, all over again!
(Blofeld rises slightly and makes a whoopee cushion sound effect, but more drawn out like his bum is pronouncing a six syllable word)
Blofeld: plll-ffttt--ffttt-toot-toot-toot!!!
Bond: hahaha! That was good!
Blofeld: its not funny Bond, I'm dying of Bubonic Plague over here!
Bond: I'm sorry Blofeld, but that sound effect is always funny.
Blofeld: gag, ulp, blarggghhh!! (vomits blood in Bond's face as they are still nose to nose)
Bond: Blofeld, thou didst not need to do that! (wipes eyes with handkerchief)
(but once Bond's eyes are cleared of blood and bile, he sees in the place of Blofeld, ...a somewhat chubby middle aged man with unruly blonde hair!!)
BoJoBlofeld (singing): Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin. Could have been three or four six-packs, I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in, My head is like a football, I think I'm gonna die, Tell me, me oh me oh my, Wasn't that a party?
[if nobody knows the old Irish Rovers song, or its just not good enough, replace with something better, but we'll need a Bojo-the-Partier line here]
(Mallory et al enter)
Mallory: What the hell did you just do Bond? Oh, you're really in trouble this time! You're... fired!!!
Bond: You cant fire me you idiot, I retired five years ago, didn't you see the first two Actes of the Playe?
I'm going to take my time thinking that one through.
Meantime, as requested:
The first part is complete, unless anyone can find a part we’ve missed. This ends with the death of Felix.
Second part-
1) Sir J returns to London- he gets his carriage and goes to HQ. (Written.)
2) He visits M in his office. (Written.)
3) Sir J and Moneypenny call on ye Young Wizard. (Written.)
4) Safin visits Madeleine. (Written.)
5) Sir J and M talk on ye banks of ye Thames. (Written.)
(Here follows I think another office scene which we may or may not need. Things get awful stodgy here.)
6) Sir J goes to see ye Comte de Blofeld, running into Madeleine. (Not written, and possibly followed by yet another office scene, can’t remember- anyone?)
7) Sir J goes to Norway, visits Madeleine, meets Mathilde. (I’ve got this one planned, will write soon.)
8) The chase scene, Madeleine and Mathilde are kidnapped. (Not written.)
9) Sir J meets Nomi, is told where Safin’s HQ is, M tells them both to go there, Nomi asks for Sir J to be Naught Naught Seven again. (Not written.)
10) They go there with ye Young Wizard explaining that Sir J’s enchanted bracelet (which he gives him) will let his crystal ball know where they are. (Not written.)
Then we get into the whole end part. We have this mostly written (though it still needs some organisation which I haven't got to yet) until the THING (I can’t bring myself to say it) itself, where we only have the end part.
Caractacus has an idea for the wake.
Westward has the ending rather nicely sewn up.
I mentioned above that we can get rid of the Norway chase. Have Safin and Logan attack at Madeline's house and kidnap her and the girl. We can crush Logan under some large piece of furniture. Something ignominious.
Yes, that works well. Tell you what, I'll write it up to the point the bad guys appear and you take over from there?
Okay, I'll do another action scene, this one more close quarters combat. I'll be interested in what you've put in the house for me to use. I'm already getting some ideas and callback dialogue.
I think we should have some dialog somewhere where Nomi complains she isnt getting any lines on this Playe. Nomi could mention her character was hyped in all the Broadsides as the All New Aught Aught Seven for two years leading up to the Playe's release, and now the actual Playe's halfway through she's gotten two lines at most. (she's right you know!) Mallory couldve forgotten hiring her "does anybody else recognise this woman?". Moneypenny could confirm Nomi's been on the payroll five years, even taken paid vacation time but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialog even when she's in the office. Bond could suggest Nomi could save the world then, and he can return to Jamaica, all she needs is a bit of last minute training and he knows the CIA has a 3 week crash course.
Nomi: "this self-referential rant is my first significant speech in the entire Playe!" Mallory: "I cant find it in the script..." Bond: "no but its more inspired than the exposition we're supposed to be delivering in this scene, lets see where she's going with this"
also I have no ideas about the action scenes, but pwease give Mathilde some dialog in the Norway scenes
maybe something like Mathilde: "hewwo mummy! is this your new Uncle Fwend who'll be sweeping over? Hewwo new Uncle Fwend, mummy's wast Uncle Fwend brought me wots of toys and candy, heew's a wist of my favouwite toys and candy you can bwing to gain my favour!" Bond "those bright blue eyes are freaking me out"!
barbel said:
Caractacus has an idea for the wake.
to be precise I suggested a gag to immediately follow the wake, the wake itself remains to be written
the toast itself is another quote from Fleming, so best to keep that line somewhat recognisable. Maybe Moneypenny could ask "didnt we already use this Fleming quote two Playes ago when everybody thought he was dead after I'd shot him?" M and/or Q and/or Tanner: "probably, who can even keep track how many times this one's been thought dead or retired or gone rogue?" Q: "speaking of which, still no word on that missing Weather Balloon sir, but theres this island of Japanese fishing girls who keep giggling and winking at each other whenever we mention Bond's name"
Norway. Sir James drives his carriage down a coastal road. Spying a house, he draws up and goes to ye door. Ye sound of girls laughing and giggling ist heard from inside. A man answers, fastening his robe.
Man: Aye?
Young Lady’s Voice: (From inside.) Who is it, mine darling?
2nd Young Lady’s Voice: (From inside.) Tell him to go away!
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave, I seek Number 22 Frozen Lake Lane.
Man: Ye next house- I am Number 24.
Sir James: Ah, I see. I thank’ee.
Number 24: No problem. Coming, girls….
(Sir James goes back to his carriage and drives on. At ye next house, he tethers his horses and fetches their nosebags, giving them a swift shake but not a stir.)
Sir James: Wait here, Sir George, Sir Pierce.
(He goes to ye house and enters through ye open door to find Madeleine awaiting.)
Apothecary Swann: Why hast ye come, Sir James?
Sir James: Thou must tell me who gave ye the nano-fleas, Madeleine.
Apothecary Swann: Ist ye Comte de Blofeld dead?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Apothecary Swann: Good.
Sir James: He didst tell me that you did not betray me.
Apothecary Swann: Thou art not built to trust people.
Sir James: I know not why thou didst try to kill ye Comte, or who gave thee ye means, but I do know that for what felt like five minutes of mine life I wanted everything with thee.
Apothecary Swann: And not because I did not trust ye.
(There ist a soft noise from ye stairs. Sir James looks up to find a young girl, perhaps four years old.)
Apothecary Swann: This ist Mathilde.
Sir James: (Alarmed.) Mata?
Apothecary Swann: Nay, Mathilde.
Mathilde: (Showing her toy.) And thith ith Dou Dou.
Sir James: Ahhh… Er…. I bid thee greetings. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Apothecary Swann: And she ist not thine.
Sir James: (Doing some swift mental calculations, and noting the familiar blue eyes.) But of course….
(Ye next morning, Mathilde enters ye bedroom, bringing Dou Dou, to find Madeleine and Sir James in bed together.)
Mathilde: (Wide eyed.) J’ai faim.
Sir James: Er…. Hungry! Aye, of course.
(He gets out of bed and starts toward ye kitchen.)
Sir James: Let us see what we can do about that.
Mathilde: Merci.
(She takes his hand as they walk. Sir James at first looks uncomfortable, then starts to smile as they enter ye kitchen.)
Sir James: Now, let us see…. bacon?
(Mathilde smiles as he opens a cupboard. Ye pantry shelves are filled with containers of Ludefisk and Pickled Herring.)
Sir James: Ah… Perhaps not. Eggs! I know a very good recipe for scrambled eggs. I... er... read it in a book once.
(He looks around in vain for eggs. Mathilde giggles and whispers to Dou Dou.)
Sir James: Well, not eggs then. Bread?
(He opens a cupboard.)
Sir James: Ah…
(Madeleine enters ye kitchen.)
Apothecary Swann: Having a problem, Sir James?
Sir James: No, I….
Apothecary Swann: Give her an apple.
James: An apple. Of course.
(He produces a knife and begins to peel ye apple…)
Apothecary Swann: Look yonder, out ye window.
Sir James: What is it?
Apothecary Swann: ‘Tis Westward_Drift coming to write ye rest of this scene.
You're right, we should do exactly that. We could fit it into one of the office scenes, liven them up a bit.
thats OK just throwing out the cheaplaffs as they come to me to see what sticks
Agent TwoFour should enjoy his cameo as a Hugh Hefner type.