maybe Annoying Little Alchemist can taunt Nomi with the fact he's gotten more lines in the Playe than she has, motivating her to pick him up by the scruff of his neck and toss him into the CessPool
I'll have a go at fleshing the Nomi-rant into a short dialog, to be inserted into whichever scene needs more laffs.
[I'm not sure what M should said to lead into this, but lets start with Bond..]
Bond: Dammit Mallory, I keep telling you I've been retired five years, this isn't my job anymore!
M: What? Are you sure? Well why do I keep signing paperwork for an Aught Aught Seven? Hmm? Got you there!
Nomi: ahem. Over here in the corner of the stage, sir. That's me, I've been the new Aught Aught Seven for five years now!
M: What? who's that? I'm sure I've never seen you before in my life! How'd you get in here? Aught Aught Seven, do you know anything about this?
Bond: Yes we met in Jamaica. She seemed competent, so I assumed she was telling the truth
Nomi: I am telling the truth! I am the new Aught Aught Seven!
M: Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: It's absolutely true sir, we've been paying her for five years now. She collects dental benefits, we covered her massage therapy. She comes into the office for eight hours every day, then goes home, She even took two weeks vacation, but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialog even in the office scenes.
Nomi: See? I keep telling y-
M: But how can this be? A brand new employee coming into work every day for five years and I didn't notice? What the hell was I doing?
Bond (snickers): Probably rearranging your liquor cabinet!! (makes glug glug glug pantomime gesture to fellow Players who all laugh at M's expense)
Nomi: Now hold on one damned minute here! I want some dialog! We're halfway though this Playe and I've barely got two lines so far! This self-referential rant is my first significant speech in the entire Playe!
M (shuffles through papers on desk): I cant find this part in the script...
Bond: No, she appears to be improvising sir, but it's more inspired than the confusing exposition we're supposed to be delivering in this scene, so let's see where she's going with this...
Nomi: (Steps to centre-stage, tears roll down cheek): How did it come to this? All those Advertising Broadsides for two years leading up to the Playe's debut stressed that I, Nomi, was to be the All-New All-Different Aught Aught Seven! All those Interviews I did with Town Criers promoting the upcoming Playe, explaining my hip new 17th century attitude and motivation! The Audience was led to believe I was going to be an interesting, edgy new character and yet...
Bond (bumps Nomi off centre-stage): I've got an idea, sir! How bout I go back to my nice house in Jamaica, and the All-New All-Different Aught Aught Seven can get the chance to save the world?
M: I don't know about that...
Bond: Sure, just give her some last minute training! In fact, someone was just telling me the Colonial intelligence Agency offers a really good three week crash course that teaches a rookie agent how to read without moving her lips, and kickbox in a slit skirt!
Q: ...and how bout she gets a lab scene with me, where I can show her some silly gadget and she says something witty and I say "Oh do pay attention Aught Aught Seven!"
Nomi: Well I'm not sure I can do funny dialog...
Q: Neither could the two fellows before Mr Grumpy over there, yet they managed to save the world!
M: Never mind all that, every body shut up! This Playe's already been dragging on for one and a half hours and we still have two major Actes to go, so there's no time for this character to get more dialog, but!!! ...she can stand in the background while the real Aught Aught Seven saves the world! Alright team, chop chop, let's get moving etc
@Barbel mentioned in post 2707 there might be another M's office meeting scene after the big Blofeld scene. I cant remember how the film went but there certainly had to be an exposition infodump to explain Blofeld's death, the sudden disappearance of Madeleine, and setting up the change of location to Norway for the next Act.
therefor Nomi's rant could happen there. leading into...
M: Right, now lets look at the proper Script to see what our next lines are. Ah yes, confusing exposition indeed. Something something Nano-Fleas, something something Blofeld, something something Madeleine, something something Norway. Everybody got that?
Bond: Madeleine!!! grrrr... I've got a tasty word or two to say about that one! (clenches fist and seethes)
M (re-examines script and raises eyebrows): Indeed you did! But that all got cut when Nomi started improvising. Phew! That's some sailor's vocabulary, lets hope you never have to deliver dialog in front of small children! Right, end of Third Acte everybody. Places for Fourth!
Act 3, Scene 6 hasn't been written yet (Sir James goes to see ye Comte de Blofeld, running into Apothecary Swann as he does). Following it, however can be caractacus' idea above, with some additions by me:
------------------------------------------
ACT 3, SCENE 7
------------------------------------------
Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Unaided by strong drink, he ist berating Sir James Bond before Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi.
M: Let me see if I have got this correct, Sir James- thou didst strangle ye Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Aye, but-
M: And thou wert yelling “Die, Blofeld, die” as thou wert doing so?
Sir James: Well, I would not say “yelling”, but-
M: And William Of Tanner here didst have to drag ye off in ye midst of this act?
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but-
M: And ye Comte did in fact die?
Sir James: This didst happen, but-
M: And all this, yet thou does deny killing ye Comte?
Sir James: This is true.
M: Oh well, that ist all right then.
Sir James: (Relieved.) Ah, is it?
M: (Rather loudly.) No of course it is bloody well not all right!!! Of all ye stupid, half-witted things to do ye had to go and do this?
Young Wizard: Aye, but mine liege-
M: Oh? Thou knowest better, Wizard?
Young Wizard: In fact, sire, in this case I do. We examined ye Comte’s body, and he did not die from strangulation. In fact, his skin wast covered in boils and his hair had turned blond. ‘Tis my opinion that in touching him, Sir James had in fact transferred some nano-fleas, specially bred to kill ye Comte and only ye Comte.
Moneypenny: Ye question ist, where did he get them from?
Tanner: There ist only one answer.
Sir James: Aye. Apothecary Madeleine Swann.
M: So…. Dost thou know where she can be found, Sir James?
Sir James: Dammit Mallory, I keep telling you I hast been retired five years, this is NOT my job any more!
M: What? Art thou sure? Well, why do I keep signing paperwork for a Naught Naught Seven? Hmm? Got you there!
Nomi: Ahem. Over here in ye corner of ye set, sire. That ist me, I've been ye new Naught Naught Seven for five years now!
M: What? Who ist that? Most certain I am that I hast never seen thee before in mine life! How did ye get in here? Naught Naught Seven, do you know anything about this?
Bond: Aye, we met in Jamaica. Most competent she seemed, so I assumed she was telling ye truth.
Nomi: I am telling ye truth! I am the new Naught Naught Seven!
M: Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: ‘Tis absolutely true sire, we have been paying her for five years now. She collects dental benefits, we covered her massage therapy. She comes into ye office for eight hours every day, then goes home. She even took two weeks vacation, but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialogue even in ye office scenes.
Nomi: See? I keep telling y-
M: But how can this be? A brand new employee coming into work every day for five years and I did notice not? What the hell was I doing?
Sir James: (Snickers.) Probably rearranging thine liquor cabinet!! (Makes glug glug glug pantomime gesture to fellow Players who all laugh at M's expense,)
Nomi: Now hold on one damned minute here! I want some dialogue! We art halfway though this Playe and I have barely got two lines so far! This self-referential rant is my first significant speech in ye entire Playe!
M: (Shuffles through papers on desk.) I cant find this part in the script...
Sir James: No, she appears to be improvising sire, but ‘tis more inspired than ye confusing exposition we art supposed to be delivering in this scene, so let us see where she ist going with this...
Nomi:(Steps to centre-stage, tears roll down cheek.) How did it come to this? All those Advertising Broadsides for two long years leading up to ye Playe's debut stressed that I, Nomi, was to be ye All-New All-Different Naught Naught Seven! All those Interviews I did with Town Criers promoting ye upcoming Playe, explaining my hip new 17th century attitude and motivation! Ye Audience was led to believe I was going to be an interesting, edgy new character and yet...
Sir James: (Bumps Nomi off centre-stage.) An idea I have, sire! Mayhap I go back to my nice house in Jamaica, and ye All-New All-Different Naught Naught Seven can get ye chance to save ye world?
M: I do not know about that...
Bond: Most certainly, just give her some last minute training! In fact, someone was just telling me ye Colonial Intelligence Agency offers a really good three week crash course that teaches a rookie agent how to read without moving her lips, and kickbox in a slit skirt!
Young Wizard: ...and mayhap she gets a lab scene with me, where I can show her some silly gadget and she says something witty and I say "Oh do pay attention Naught Naught Seven!"
Nomi: Well, I am not sure I can do funny dialogue...
Q: Neither could ye two fellows before Mr Grumpy over there, yet they managed to save ye world!
M: Never mind all that, silence everybody! This Playe hast already been dragging on for one and a half hours and we still have two major Acts to go, so there's no time for this character, whoever she ist, to get more dialogue, but!!! ...She can stand in ye background while ye real Naught Naught Seven saves ye world! Alright team, chop chop, let's get moving!
All: Aye, sire.
M: Right, now let us look at ye proper Script to see what our next lines are. Ah yes, confusing exposition indeed. Something something Nano-Fleas, something something Blofeld, something something Madeleine, something something Norway. Everybody got that?
Sir James: Madeleine!!! Grrrr... I have got a tasty word or two to say about that one! (Clenches fist and seethes.)
M: (Re-examines script and raises eyebrows.) Indeed you did! But that all got cut when Nomi started improvising. Phew! That ist some sailor's vocabulary, let us hope you never have to deliver dialogue in front of small children! Right, end of Third Act everybody. Places for Fourth!
Assuming you guys are happy with the above, that only leaves the above-mentioned Scene 6, in which Sir J goes to pay good ol'Ernst a visit and bumps into Madeleine en route. Literally bumps, cos she has to transfer the nano-fleas.
For the first bit, when Sir J and Tanner are walking down a corridor, we could do the "mad as a bag of bees" line. Perhaps this Imaginary Conversation may help?
2019. Eon HQ writers’ room, in a disused toilet at Eon HQ.
Purvis: Okay, so Tanner is telling Bond about Blofeld talking to himself. We need a snappy thing for him to say.
Wade: Tanner gets to say something snappy?
Purvis: Yeah, this time we need that. He has to emphasise how crazy everyone thinks Blofeld is, so they don’t realise he’s using his bionic eye to communicate with Spectre.
Waller-Bridge: He’s as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs?
Wade: Na, not that.
Fukunaga: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Purvis: Don’t like that much.
Wade: As potty as a purseful of puffins? A pocketful of pandas?
Apothecary Swann sits at the dining table and motions Sir James to join her.
Apothecary Swann: The villain you seek is named Safin. Zhafin?
Sir James: Sa-feen? Safe-in?
Apothecary Swann: He ist a man of mystery. No one knows how to pronounce his name.
His family wast murdered most horribly by mine father Squire White.
at the behest of Herr Oberhauser who stole his family’s fiefdom
and became the Comte de Blofeld. Safin desires back his birthright.
Sir James: His vengeance against Spectre ist just, but why endanger Creation?
Apothecary Swann: He is a villain from a family of villains.
Sir James (To the audience): Aye, tis motivation enough.
Apothecary Swann (Also toward the audience): It ist all we are getting.
The front door crashes open and three henchmen wielding swords rush in.
Apothecary Swann: Mathilde, hide!
The young girl hurries under the spiral staircase that connects to a loft where her bed abides.
Madeline goes to the cupboard. From a lower shelf she grabs a sword and tosses it to Sir James, who had been protecting himself from swinging swords by using a chair as a shield. Two henchmen fight Sir James, who more than holds his own. He slashes the wrist of the largest henchman who drops his sword. Sir James runs through the other who screams and expires on the floor. The large henchman throws a chair at Sir James causing him to lose his sword.
The Large Henchman: I need but one hand and no blade to kill thee.
An epic fist fight ensues.
Meanwhile the third henchman approaches Apothecary Swann but then spies Mathilde. He lunges for the girl only for Apothecary Swann to throw a knife into his back. He collapses and dies by the frightened child. Mathilde tries to run to her mother, only for Safin to enter the house and grab Mathilde as she runs past the front door. He has a flintlock in one hand.
Safin: Come, Madeline.
While the pistol is not pointed at anyone, the threat is unspoken but deafening. Safin leaves with Mathilde. Madeline bows her head and follows.
Sir James and the remaining henchman continue their fistfight into the cooking area until Sir James manages to get his arm around the large henchman’s neck and force his face into a water basin. Sir James holds him down until his foe ist drown.
Sir James grabs his fallen sword exits the house at a run only to reenter moments later.
Sir James: They hast maimed Sir George and Sir Pierce. I cannot follow.
Logan of Ash appears in the doorway, sword in hand.
Logan of Ash: The horses shalt live. No need to give their all
as glue, a violin bow, or la viande de cheval.
Logan lunges forward. He briefly holds the upper hand as Sir James falls backward over the body of a henchman he hast slain. Sir James dodges the downward swing of his adversary's sword. He quickly regains his feet.
The pair circle one another, swords at the ready. Sir James hurries up several stairs of the spiral stair case. Logan swings his sword but hits nothing but wrought iron.
Logan of Ash: Wrought iron shalt not preserve thee. It ist not a protective cage.
Sir James: A cage would be for thee, for
Thou art mere vermin like the MICE.
Money?
Ideology?
Compromise?
Ego?
Thine reasons for betrayal undefined
And in your aim imprecise.
I still breathe and in my determination
Will send you to a grave consigned.
Logan of Ash: I need no more motivation than My Lord, So Fine.
Sir James: Thou and your not-so-fine master shall die for reasons multifarious. The death of my brother ist just the first.
Logan of Ash: Sir James, I had no idea you held such love for your brother, The Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Nay, that swine was no brother of mine by either blood or nurture
I speak of Lord Felix, a brother made by both his deeds and his nature.
Logan of Ash: You shalt join your ‘brother’ from Virginia Colony anon.
Sir James: Thou art the son of a whore.
Thy mousy voice is but a squeak, not a roar.
Logan of Ash lunges at Sir James though the balusters. Sir James sees his chance and grabs a crossbeam with his free hand. He leaps and kicks Logan of Ash in the chest. The scoundrel drops his sword and stumbles backward while Sir James lands in a crouch. Sir James stands and with a backhand slams the hilt of his sword into Logan of Ash’s forehead, who falls backward and crashes into the cupboard. The containers therein shatter, raining ludefisk and pickled herring upon the traitor.
Sir James: Thine smell now reflects thine character.
Before Logan of Ash can react, Sir James slashes his leg with his sword. Logan of Ash falls onto the floor. Sir James grabs the cupboard and pulls it down onto his foe, pinning him amongst the herring and ludefisk.
Sir James: Where hast Sulpher taken Madeline and her daughter?
Logan of Ash: Her daughter? Art thou daft? If you wish to find them...ask your brother.
Logan of Ash spits in Sir James’s face. Sir James raises his sword with both hands and drives it down into his enemy’s chest. Logan of Ash ist slain.
The anger on Sir James’s face slowly changes to realization.
Nomi enters the house, sword at the ready.
Sir James: Thou art late, New Naught Naught Seven.
Nomi: With mine lack of dialogue I saw no reason for haste. The Young Wizard awaits on a Royal Navy ship at the shore to take us back to England.
Sir James: Nay. We must go to the Comte de Blofeld’s castle to stop Sarafin and his nefarious plan. This mewling scoundrel revealed more in his defiance than he intended.
Nomi; The Comte de Blofeld’s castle and lands are in Asia off Japan. The journey will take many months.
Sir James: Nay, tis but a simple scene transition.
Nomi: Come, mine carriage awaits.
The pair leave. Offstage, Nomi can still be heard improvising.
Nomi: Tally ho, Sir Barry! Allons-y Sir David!
The off stage harrumph of an irate Welshman echoes in the distance.
A Gaol. Sir James Bond and William Of Tanner walk down a corridor.
Tanner: I know not why thou shouldst want to see him anyway, Sir James. He is as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs.
Sir James: Come again?
Tanner: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Sir James: Surely you mean as potty as a purseful of puffins?
Tanner: Nay, as peculiar as a pocketful of pandas!
Sir James: As wacky as a walletful of wasps!
Tanner: As batty as a batch of beetles!
Together: As mad as a bag of bees!
Sir James: Phew, that took some doing to come up with an analogy as weak as that one.
Tanner: Ah, we art here. Now, I prithee, remember Sir James: Do not touch or approach him. Pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it.
Sir James: Relax, Tanner, I will not….
(Sir James spots Apothecary Swann, walking down an adjacent corridor with Nomi.)
Tanner: Aye?
Sir James: I…. I…..
(As Sir James dissolves into incoherence, Nomi sees her chance.)
Nomi: I think-
(Apothecary Swann slams a door in her face, as Sir James does ye same to William Of Tanner.)
Apothecary Swann: What art thou doing here?
Sir James: (At ye same time.) What art thou doing here?
(Now the Sir James/Madeleine dialogue which I'm struggling to write. All help appreciated! Followed by....)
(Sir James walks down ye corridor. Ye inmates there hiss at him and speak in total madness, one even quoting directly from ye speeches of Boris Johnson. Finally he arrives at ye cell of ye Comte de Blofeld. Ye Comte stands waiting.)
Comte: That ist ye same atrocious cologne thou did wear in court.
Sir James: Greetings, Comte, may I speak with thee?
Comte: Oh, so formal Sir James. There ist no-one else present, unless ye be dishonourable enough to have others listening through ye walls. Thou can call me “Ernst”.
Sir James: Never will that happen, unless Eon get things even more wrong than they have been doing recently.
Comte: Thou art once more owing allegiance to Sir Gareth, is that not the case?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Comte: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Most certainly.
(He holds out his credentials for ye Comte to see.)
Comte: Closer, I prithee. Closer. Hmmm, I see thou art no longer Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis so.
Comte: That must hurt thee very badly.
Sir James: We art not here to discuss me. Now-
Comte: You think that thee will dissect my mind? A Jason Bourne fan once tried to test me- I ate his liver with some fava beans and a vodka martini.
Sir James: Shaken, not stirred?
Comte: But of course. Most upset am I, Sir James, for I am ye real victim here!
Sir James: What? In what possible sense art thou ye real victim?
Comte: This scene! Ye Playe ist nearly three hours long and this is mine only scene!
Sir James: That ist thine own fault, you fiend, for you stunk up ye last Playe with your understated performance! "Inglorious Basterd" my arse, more like Insufferable Bore!
Comte: But I did not wish to ham it up.
Sir James: Bond villains art supposed to ham it up! Hast thou not seen Toby Stephens?
Comte: Nay, that I could not bear.
Sir James: Now, I wish to ask thee-
Comte: Nothing will I tell thee, except that I continue to be ye author of thine pain. Thou hast ne’er worked out ye secret of Apothecary Swann, is this not so?
Sir James: In time I shalt-
Comte: (Mocking.) “In time”. Ha! When her secret doth find its way out, and it shalt, ‘twill be ye death of thee.
(Sir James, enraged, throws himself upon ye Comte, his hands encircling his neck.)
Sir James: Die, Blofeld, die!
(Alarmed, William Of Tanner bursts in and drags Sir James away from ye Comte.)
Tanner: James, what do ye think thou art doing?
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis nothing. All ist fine.
Tanner: What? I heard thee saying “Die, Blofeld, die!”
Sir James: Nay, nay, I was speaking German. “The, Blofeld, the”, ‘twas all.
Tanner: Then why ist he dead?
(Sir James turns, horrified, to see ye Comte de Blofeld dead. His skin ist covered with boils and his hair hast turned blond.)
I will! 😁 Can you handle the Sir James/Madeleine dialogue in the middle of my scene while I insert your stuff (if you'll pardon the expression)? I can't get a handle on that part.
all that mushy relationship stuff? not my strength, my characters are like living cartoons. but maybe if I get a chance later I'll give it a try. These other people are making me do real work at the moment, which is more boring but they pay me.
How bout a few more rounds of "you again! after all these years! you with the secrets, thou dost too have a secret!"
@Barbel you should tell us your bass is demanding you devote time to musical practice for a change. If me and @Gymkata can use paid work as an excuse to shirk our Shakespeare duties, you can play that game too!
😁 Retired bass player, these days. Sorry for driving you all so hard. The good news is that the hardest part is over. Most of the next act has been written, all we have to do is link it up.
Busy editing etc in response to the PMs. No time to write (sorry for that one). Next scene is on a ship heading for Safin's island. Sir James, Nomi, Young Wizard who gives Sir J an enchanted bracelet.
A ship. Sir James and Nomi are paying attention, Naught Naught Seven, to ye Young Wizard as he pores over a map.
Captain’s Voice: (Off stage.) Land ho! Island ahead!
Sir James: See, Nomi, I told thee it would not take long to reach Zacefron’s base.
Nomi: It ist SAFIN! How many times do I need to-
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven… both of thee. Ye base is a maze inside a castle, and most easy it would be to get lost inside.
I have therefore crafted for thee an enchanted bracelet which will keep ye in constant touch with mine crystal ball here and I shalt guide ye through ye castle.
Sir James: Where ist this enchanted bracelet, Young Wizard?
Young Wizard: Here!
(Ye Wizard opens a drawer to reveal a 24-piece tea service. Quickly he closes ye drawer and opens another to reveal ye bracelet.)
Young Wizard: Here it is!
(Nomi and Sir James both reach for it together, with Sir James taking possession first.)
Nomi: But-
Sir James: Sorry. You’re just too late.
Young Wizard: Now, thou art going to need transport to get there. Follow me.
(They go on deck.)
Young Wizard: Here we have a most stealthy vessel, thou might call it a “stealth boat”. Take it to ye landing bay of ye castle, then speak with me through ye enchanted bracelet.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carrier pigeon flutters overhead, landing on Nomi’s shoulder.)
Nomi: Ah, this will be ye reply to a missive I sent to Sir Gareth.
(She takes ye message from ye pigeon’s leg.)
Sir James: What does it say?
Nomi: Sir Gareth has replied to my request that thee, Sir James, shalt once more be Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: (Visibly swelling with pride.) I shalt once more be Naught Naught Seven?
Nomi: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Then, Nomi, I have but one thing to say to thee.
Nomi: And what ist that, Sir Ja… I mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Thine pigeon hast also left a different kind of message on thine shoulder. You might want to clean it before we get into ye boat.
well Acte 3 turned out better than I thought it would! other than the big Blofeld scene I though it would be very dry and exposition-y, yet our version is full of laffs!
I like the graphics, and they should hopefully help us keep track of the space of Safin's headquarters for this final Acte. Other than what Fleming described, there should be bubbling green cesspools somewhere on the castle grounds that Nomi and Bond have to pass on their way in and out.
Comments
Yes! I'll fit a few of those in.
maybe Annoying Little Alchemist can taunt Nomi with the fact he's gotten more lines in the Playe than she has, motivating her to pick him up by the scruff of his neck and toss him into the CessPool
😁😁😁
I'll have a go at fleshing the Nomi-rant into a short dialog, to be inserted into whichever scene needs more laffs.
[I'm not sure what M should said to lead into this, but lets start with Bond..]
Bond: Dammit Mallory, I keep telling you I've been retired five years, this isn't my job anymore!
M: What? Are you sure? Well why do I keep signing paperwork for an Aught Aught Seven? Hmm? Got you there!
Nomi: ahem. Over here in the corner of the stage, sir. That's me, I've been the new Aught Aught Seven for five years now!
M: What? who's that? I'm sure I've never seen you before in my life! How'd you get in here? Aught Aught Seven, do you know anything about this?
Bond: Yes we met in Jamaica. She seemed competent, so I assumed she was telling the truth
Nomi: I am telling the truth! I am the new Aught Aught Seven!
M: Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: It's absolutely true sir, we've been paying her for five years now. She collects dental benefits, we covered her massage therapy. She comes into the office for eight hours every day, then goes home, She even took two weeks vacation, but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialog even in the office scenes.
Nomi: See? I keep telling y-
M: But how can this be? A brand new employee coming into work every day for five years and I didn't notice? What the hell was I doing?
Bond (snickers): Probably rearranging your liquor cabinet!! (makes glug glug glug pantomime gesture to fellow Players who all laugh at M's expense)
Nomi: Now hold on one damned minute here! I want some dialog! We're halfway though this Playe and I've barely got two lines so far! This self-referential rant is my first significant speech in the entire Playe!
M (shuffles through papers on desk): I cant find this part in the script...
Bond: No, she appears to be improvising sir, but it's more inspired than the confusing exposition we're supposed to be delivering in this scene, so let's see where she's going with this...
Nomi: (Steps to centre-stage, tears roll down cheek): How did it come to this? All those Advertising Broadsides for two years leading up to the Playe's debut stressed that I, Nomi, was to be the All-New All-Different Aught Aught Seven! All those Interviews I did with Town Criers promoting the upcoming Playe, explaining my hip new 17th century attitude and motivation! The Audience was led to believe I was going to be an interesting, edgy new character and yet...
Bond (bumps Nomi off centre-stage): I've got an idea, sir! How bout I go back to my nice house in Jamaica, and the All-New All-Different Aught Aught Seven can get the chance to save the world?
M: I don't know about that...
Bond: Sure, just give her some last minute training! In fact, someone was just telling me the Colonial intelligence Agency offers a really good three week crash course that teaches a rookie agent how to read without moving her lips, and kickbox in a slit skirt!
Q: ...and how bout she gets a lab scene with me, where I can show her some silly gadget and she says something witty and I say "Oh do pay attention Aught Aught Seven!"
Nomi: Well I'm not sure I can do funny dialog...
Q: Neither could the two fellows before Mr Grumpy over there, yet they managed to save the world!
M: Never mind all that, every body shut up! This Playe's already been dragging on for one and a half hours and we still have two major Actes to go, so there's no time for this character to get more dialog, but!!! ...she can stand in the background while the real Aught Aught Seven saves the world! Alright team, chop chop, let's get moving etc
The Poet Barbel sez:
Apothecary Swann: Look yonder, out ye window.
Sir James: What is it?
Apothecary Swann: ‘Tis Westward_Drift coming to write ye rest of this scene.
No pressure or anything.
Thank you for including Sir George, Sir Pierce, the ludefisk and pickled herring. I have jokes requiring these elements be set up.
I have the outline. Some of my planned dialog still seems a little dramatic. I will work on it.
@Barbel mentioned in post 2707 there might be another M's office meeting scene after the big Blofeld scene. I cant remember how the film went but there certainly had to be an exposition infodump to explain Blofeld's death, the sudden disappearance of Madeleine, and setting up the change of location to Norway for the next Act.
therefor Nomi's rant could happen there. leading into...
M: Right, now lets look at the proper Script to see what our next lines are. Ah yes, confusing exposition indeed. Something something Nano-Fleas, something something Blofeld, something something Madeleine, something something Norway. Everybody got that?
Bond: Madeleine!!! grrrr... I've got a tasty word or two to say about that one! (clenches fist and seethes)
M (re-examines script and raises eyebrows): Indeed you did! But that all got cut when Nomi started improvising. Phew! That's some sailor's vocabulary, lets hope you never have to deliver dialog in front of small children! Right, end of Third Acte everybody. Places for Fourth!
(curtain falls)
Act 3, Scene 6 hasn't been written yet (Sir James goes to see ye Comte de Blofeld, running into Apothecary Swann as he does). Following it, however can be caractacus' idea above, with some additions by me:
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ACT 3, SCENE 7
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Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Unaided by strong drink, he ist berating Sir James Bond before Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi.
M: Let me see if I have got this correct, Sir James- thou didst strangle ye Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Aye, but-
M: And thou wert yelling “Die, Blofeld, die” as thou wert doing so?
Sir James: Well, I would not say “yelling”, but-
M: And William Of Tanner here didst have to drag ye off in ye midst of this act?
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but-
M: And ye Comte did in fact die?
Sir James: This didst happen, but-
M: And all this, yet thou does deny killing ye Comte?
Sir James: This is true.
M: Oh well, that ist all right then.
Sir James: (Relieved.) Ah, is it?
M: (Rather loudly.) No of course it is bloody well not all right!!! Of all ye stupid, half-witted things to do ye had to go and do this?
Young Wizard: Aye, but mine liege-
M: Oh? Thou knowest better, Wizard?
Young Wizard: In fact, sire, in this case I do. We examined ye Comte’s body, and he did not die from strangulation. In fact, his skin wast covered in boils and his hair had turned blond. ‘Tis my opinion that in touching him, Sir James had in fact transferred some nano-fleas, specially bred to kill ye Comte and only ye Comte.
Moneypenny: Ye question ist, where did he get them from?
Tanner: There ist only one answer.
Sir James: Aye. Apothecary Madeleine Swann.
M: So…. Dost thou know where she can be found, Sir James?
Sir James: Dammit Mallory, I keep telling you I hast been retired five years, this is NOT my job any more!
M: What? Art thou sure? Well, why do I keep signing paperwork for a Naught Naught Seven? Hmm? Got you there!
Nomi: Ahem. Over here in ye corner of ye set, sire. That ist me, I've been ye new Naught Naught Seven for five years now!
M: What? Who ist that? Most certain I am that I hast never seen thee before in mine life! How did ye get in here? Naught Naught Seven, do you know anything about this?
Bond: Aye, we met in Jamaica. Most competent she seemed, so I assumed she was telling ye truth.
Nomi: I am telling ye truth! I am the new Naught Naught Seven!
M: Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: ‘Tis absolutely true sire, we have been paying her for five years now. She collects dental benefits, we covered her massage therapy. She comes into ye office for eight hours every day, then goes home. She even took two weeks vacation, but nobody noticed because she never gets any dialogue even in ye office scenes.
Nomi: See? I keep telling y-
M: But how can this be? A brand new employee coming into work every day for five years and I did notice not? What the hell was I doing?
Sir James: (Snickers.) Probably rearranging thine liquor cabinet!! (Makes glug glug glug pantomime gesture to fellow Players who all laugh at M's expense,)
Nomi: Now hold on one damned minute here! I want some dialogue! We art halfway though this Playe and I have barely got two lines so far! This self-referential rant is my first significant speech in ye entire Playe!
M: (Shuffles through papers on desk.) I cant find this part in the script...
Sir James: No, she appears to be improvising sire, but ‘tis more inspired than ye confusing exposition we art supposed to be delivering in this scene, so let us see where she ist going with this...
Nomi: (Steps to centre-stage, tears roll down cheek.) How did it come to this? All those Advertising Broadsides for two long years leading up to ye Playe's debut stressed that I, Nomi, was to be ye All-New All-Different Naught Naught Seven! All those Interviews I did with Town Criers promoting ye upcoming Playe, explaining my hip new 17th century attitude and motivation! Ye Audience was led to believe I was going to be an interesting, edgy new character and yet...
Sir James: (Bumps Nomi off centre-stage.) An idea I have, sire! Mayhap I go back to my nice house in Jamaica, and ye All-New All-Different Naught Naught Seven can get ye chance to save ye world?
M: I do not know about that...
Bond: Most certainly, just give her some last minute training! In fact, someone was just telling me ye Colonial Intelligence Agency offers a really good three week crash course that teaches a rookie agent how to read without moving her lips, and kickbox in a slit skirt!
Young Wizard: ...and mayhap she gets a lab scene with me, where I can show her some silly gadget and she says something witty and I say "Oh do pay attention Naught Naught Seven!"
Nomi: Well, I am not sure I can do funny dialogue...
Q: Neither could ye two fellows before Mr Grumpy over there, yet they managed to save ye world!
M: Never mind all that, silence everybody! This Playe hast already been dragging on for one and a half hours and we still have two major Acts to go, so there's no time for this character, whoever she ist, to get more dialogue, but!!! ...She can stand in ye background while ye real Naught Naught Seven saves ye world! Alright team, chop chop, let's get moving!
All: Aye, sire.
M: Right, now let us look at ye proper Script to see what our next lines are. Ah yes, confusing exposition indeed. Something something Nano-Fleas, something something Blofeld, something something Madeleine, something something Norway. Everybody got that?
Sir James: Madeleine!!! Grrrr... I have got a tasty word or two to say about that one! (Clenches fist and seethes.)
M: (Re-examines script and raises eyebrows.) Indeed you did! But that all got cut when Nomi started improvising. Phew! That ist some sailor's vocabulary, let us hope you never have to deliver dialogue in front of small children! Right, end of Third Act everybody. Places for Fourth!
Assuming you guys are happy with the above, that only leaves the above-mentioned Scene 6, in which Sir J goes to pay good ol'Ernst a visit and bumps into Madeleine en route. Literally bumps, cos she has to transfer the nano-fleas.
For the first bit, when Sir J and Tanner are walking down a corridor, we could do the "mad as a bag of bees" line. Perhaps this Imaginary Conversation may help?
2019. Eon HQ writers’ room, in a disused toilet at Eon HQ.
Purvis: Okay, so Tanner is telling Bond about Blofeld talking to himself. We need a snappy thing for him to say.
Wade: Tanner gets to say something snappy?
Purvis: Yeah, this time we need that. He has to emphasise how crazy everyone thinks Blofeld is, so they don’t realise he’s using his bionic eye to communicate with Spectre.
Waller-Bridge: He’s as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs?
Wade: Na, not that.
Fukunaga: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Purvis: Don’t like that much.
Wade: As potty as a purseful of puffins? A pocketful of pandas?
Waller-Bridge: As wacky as a walletful of wasps?
Purvis: That’s closer!
Fukunaga: As batty as a batch of beetles?
Wade: We’re getting there…
Purvis: As mad as a bag of bees!
Fukunaga: That’s it!
Wade: Yeah, well done, Neal!
Waller-Bridge: But what does that mean?
Purvis: Doesn’t matter- that’s the one!
Here's my conclusion to the Norway Scene.
Writing it was rather fun.
*************************************************************************************
Apothecary Swann sits at the dining table and motions Sir James to join her.
Apothecary Swann: The villain you seek is named Safin. Zhafin?
Sir James: Sa-feen? Safe-in?
Apothecary Swann: He ist a man of mystery. No one knows how to pronounce his name.
His family wast murdered most horribly by mine father Squire White.
at the behest of Herr Oberhauser who stole his family’s fiefdom
and became the Comte de Blofeld. Safin desires back his birthright.
Sir James: His vengeance against Spectre ist just, but why endanger Creation?
Apothecary Swann: He is a villain from a family of villains.
Sir James (To the audience): Aye, tis motivation enough.
Apothecary Swann (Also toward the audience): It ist all we are getting.
The front door crashes open and three henchmen wielding swords rush in.
Apothecary Swann: Mathilde, hide!
The young girl hurries under the spiral staircase that connects to a loft where her bed abides.
Madeline goes to the cupboard. From a lower shelf she grabs a sword and tosses it to Sir James, who had been protecting himself from swinging swords by using a chair as a shield. Two henchmen fight Sir James, who more than holds his own. He slashes the wrist of the largest henchman who drops his sword. Sir James runs through the other who screams and expires on the floor. The large henchman throws a chair at Sir James causing him to lose his sword.
The Large Henchman: I need but one hand and no blade to kill thee.
An epic fist fight ensues.
Meanwhile the third henchman approaches Apothecary Swann but then spies Mathilde. He lunges for the girl only for Apothecary Swann to throw a knife into his back. He collapses and dies by the frightened child. Mathilde tries to run to her mother, only for Safin to enter the house and grab Mathilde as she runs past the front door. He has a flintlock in one hand.
Safin: Come, Madeline.
While the pistol is not pointed at anyone, the threat is unspoken but deafening. Safin leaves with Mathilde. Madeline bows her head and follows.
Sir James and the remaining henchman continue their fistfight into the cooking area until Sir James manages to get his arm around the large henchman’s neck and force his face into a water basin. Sir James holds him down until his foe ist drown.
Sir James grabs his fallen sword exits the house at a run only to reenter moments later.
Sir James: They hast maimed Sir George and Sir Pierce. I cannot follow.
Logan of Ash appears in the doorway, sword in hand.
Logan of Ash: The horses shalt live. No need to give their all
as glue, a violin bow, or la viande de cheval.
Logan lunges forward. He briefly holds the upper hand as Sir James falls backward over the body of a henchman he hast slain. Sir James dodges the downward swing of his adversary's sword. He quickly regains his feet.
The pair circle one another, swords at the ready. Sir James hurries up several stairs of the spiral stair case. Logan swings his sword but hits nothing but wrought iron.
Logan of Ash: Wrought iron shalt not preserve thee. It ist not a protective cage.
Sir James: A cage would be for thee, for
Thou art mere vermin like the MICE.
Money?
Ideology?
Compromise?
Ego?
Thine reasons for betrayal undefined
And in your aim imprecise.
I still breathe and in my determination
Will send you to a grave consigned.
Logan of Ash: I need no more motivation than My Lord, So Fine.
Sir James: Thou and your not-so-fine master shall die for reasons multifarious. The death of my brother ist just the first.
Logan of Ash: Sir James, I had no idea you held such love for your brother, The Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Nay, that swine was no brother of mine by either blood or nurture
I speak of Lord Felix, a brother made by both his deeds and his nature.
Logan of Ash: You shalt join your ‘brother’ from Virginia Colony anon.
Sir James: Thou art the son of a whore.
Thy mousy voice is but a squeak, not a roar.
Logan of Ash lunges at Sir James though the balusters. Sir James sees his chance and grabs a crossbeam with his free hand. He leaps and kicks Logan of Ash in the chest. The scoundrel drops his sword and stumbles backward while Sir James lands in a crouch. Sir James stands and with a backhand slams the hilt of his sword into Logan of Ash’s forehead, who falls backward and crashes into the cupboard. The containers therein shatter, raining ludefisk and pickled herring upon the traitor.
Sir James: Thine smell now reflects thine character.
Before Logan of Ash can react, Sir James slashes his leg with his sword. Logan of Ash falls onto the floor. Sir James grabs the cupboard and pulls it down onto his foe, pinning him amongst the herring and ludefisk.
Sir James: Where hast Sulpher taken Madeline and her daughter?
Logan of Ash: Her daughter? Art thou daft? If you wish to find them...ask your brother.
Logan of Ash spits in Sir James’s face. Sir James raises his sword with both hands and drives it down into his enemy’s chest. Logan of Ash ist slain.
The anger on Sir James’s face slowly changes to realization.
Nomi enters the house, sword at the ready.
Sir James: Thou art late, New Naught Naught Seven.
Nomi: With mine lack of dialogue I saw no reason for haste. The Young Wizard awaits on a Royal Navy ship at the shore to take us back to England.
Sir James: Nay. We must go to the Comte de Blofeld’s castle to stop Sarafin and his nefarious plan. This mewling scoundrel revealed more in his defiance than he intended.
Nomi; The Comte de Blofeld’s castle and lands are in Asia off Japan. The journey will take many months.
Sir James: Nay, tis but a simple scene transition.
Nomi: Come, mine carriage awaits.
The pair leave. Offstage, Nomi can still be heard improvising.
Nomi: Tally ho, Sir Barry! Allons-y Sir David!
The off stage harrumph of an irate Welshman echoes in the distance.
End Scene
Gymkata said:
Yes! glad to see my inclusion of 'the Welshman' in that earlier scene has paid off.
I'm a big believer in callbacks and running jokes. Your Welshman fits very well with my running joke about the horse names.
Well done there, Westward. I enjoyed reading that!
The beginning of the Blofeld in gaol scene.
A Gaol. Sir James Bond and William Of Tanner walk down a corridor.
Tanner: I know not why thou shouldst want to see him anyway, Sir James. He is as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs.
Sir James: Come again?
Tanner: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Sir James: Surely you mean as potty as a purseful of puffins?
Tanner: Nay, as peculiar as a pocketful of pandas!
Sir James: As wacky as a walletful of wasps!
Tanner: As batty as a batch of beetles!
Together: As mad as a bag of bees!
Sir James: Phew, that took some doing to come up with an analogy as weak as that one.
Tanner: Ah, we art here. Now, I prithee, remember Sir James: Do not touch or approach him. Pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it.
Sir James: Relax, Tanner, I will not….
(Sir James spots Apothecary Swann, walking down an adjacent corridor with Nomi.)
Tanner: Aye?
Sir James: I…. I…..
(As Sir James dissolves into incoherence, Nomi sees her chance.)
Nomi: I think-
(Apothecary Swann slams a door in her face, as Sir James does ye same to William Of Tanner.)
Apothecary Swann: What art thou doing here?
Sir James: (At ye same time.) What art thou doing here?
Both: What art thou-
(They stop and stare.)
Apothecary Swann: You first.
Sir James: Nay, nay, thee first.
(Now the Sir James/Madeleine dialogue which I'm struggling to write. All help appreciated! Followed by....)
(Sir James walks down ye corridor. Ye inmates there hiss at him and speak in total madness, one even quoting directly from ye speeches of Boris Johnson. Finally he arrives at ye cell of ye Comte de Blofeld. Ye Comte stands waiting.)
Comte: That ist ye same atrocious cologne thou did wear in court.
Sir James: Greetings, Comte, may I speak with thee?
Comte: Oh, so formal Sir James. There ist no-one else present, unless ye be dishonourable enough to have others listening through ye walls. Thou can call me “Ernst”.
Sir James: Never will that happen, unless Eon get things even more wrong than they have been doing recently.
Comte: Thou art once more owing allegiance to Sir Gareth, is that not the case?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Comte: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Most certainly.
(He holds out his credentials for ye Comte to see.)
Comte: Closer, I prithee. Closer. Hmmm, I see thou art no longer Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis so.
Comte: That must hurt thee very badly.
Sir James: We art not here to discuss me. Now-
Comte: You think that thee will dissect my mind? A Jason Bourne fan once tried to test me- I ate his liver with some fava beans and a vodka martini.
Sir James: Shaken, not stirred?
Comte: But of course. Most upset am I, Sir James, for I am ye real victim here!
Sir James: What? In what possible sense art thou ye real victim?
Comte: This scene! Ye Playe ist nearly three hours long and this is mine only scene!
Sir James: That ist thine own fault, you fiend, for you stunk up ye last Playe with your understated performance! "Inglorious Basterd" my arse, more like Insufferable Bore!
Comte: But I did not wish to ham it up.
Sir James: Bond villains art supposed to ham it up! Hast thou not seen Toby Stephens?
Comte: Nay, that I could not bear.
Sir James: Now, I wish to ask thee-
Comte: Nothing will I tell thee, except that I continue to be ye author of thine pain. Thou hast ne’er worked out ye secret of Apothecary Swann, is this not so?
Sir James: In time I shalt-
Comte: (Mocking.) “In time”. Ha! When her secret doth find its way out, and it shalt, ‘twill be ye death of thee.
(Sir James, enraged, throws himself upon ye Comte, his hands encircling his neck.)
Sir James: Die, Blofeld, die!
(Alarmed, William Of Tanner bursts in and drags Sir James away from ye Comte.)
Tanner: James, what do ye think thou art doing?
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis nothing. All ist fine.
Tanner: What? I heard thee saying “Die, Blofeld, die!”
Sir James: Nay, nay, I was speaking German. “The, Blofeld, the”, ‘twas all.
Tanner: Then why ist he dead?
(Sir James turns, horrified, to see ye Comte de Blofeld dead. His skin ist covered with boils and his hair hast turned blond.)
@Barbel borrow some lines from my post 2706, theres even a Simpsons gag in there as well as authentic Fleming content in the stage directions
I will! 😁 Can you handle the Sir James/Madeleine dialogue in the middle of my scene while I insert your stuff (if you'll pardon the expression)? I can't get a handle on that part.
I've added some of 2706 to 2731. The rest I've left to run closer to the original.
I've also made amendments to 2713 and 2724 as asked.
all that mushy relationship stuff? not my strength, my characters are like living cartoons. but maybe if I get a chance later I'll give it a try. These other people are making me do real work at the moment, which is more boring but they pay me.
How bout a few more rounds of "you again! after all these years! you with the secrets, thou dost too have a secret!"
Perhaps Gymkata might like to have a go, then....? 😃
(Sighs heavily) Oh well, I'll just have to swallow a couple of whiskies and do it myself. Probably use caractacus' idea above.
How's this?
Apothecary Swann: What art thou doing here?
Sir James: (At ye same time.) What art thou doing here?
Both: What art thou-
(They stop and stare.)
Apothecary Swann: You first.
Sir James: Nay, nay, thee first.
Apothecary Swann: After all these years, thee again!
Sir James: Tell me!
Apothecary Swann: Nay, you tell me!
Sir James: Willst thee ever tell me thine secret?
(Sir James grabs Madeleine by ye arm. She shakes him off, angrily, but not before a flea has crossed over between them.)
Apothecary Swann: Secrets! Always with thee it is secrets!
Sir James: Well, I am a secret agent- ye clue ist in ye name.
Apothecary Swann: Secrets may be strong enough for a man, but they are made for a woman.
Sir James: Is this always so?
Apothecary Swann: Enough! Go see ye Comte thineself!
(Madeleine angrily stomps off.)
I've edited the above to include that!
Ok guys, PM time again!
@Barbel you should tell us your bass is demanding you devote time to musical practice for a change. If me and @Gymkata can use paid work as an excuse to shirk our Shakespeare duties, you can play that game too!
We've got bosses, you got basses.
😁 Retired bass player, these days. Sorry for driving you all so hard. The good news is that the hardest part is over. Most of the next act has been written, all we have to do is link it up.
Busy editing etc in response to the PMs. No time to write (sorry for that one). Next scene is on a ship heading for Safin's island. Sir James, Nomi, Young Wizard who gives Sir J an enchanted bracelet.
Please, feel free to change anything.
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ACT 4, SCENE 2
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A ship. Sir James and Nomi are paying attention, Naught Naught Seven, to ye Young Wizard as he pores over a map.
Captain’s Voice: (Off stage.) Land ho! Island ahead!
Sir James: See, Nomi, I told thee it would not take long to reach Zacefron’s base.
Nomi: It ist SAFIN! How many times do I need to-
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven… both of thee. Ye base is a maze inside a castle, and most easy it would be to get lost inside.
I have therefore crafted for thee an enchanted bracelet which will keep ye in constant touch with mine crystal ball here and I shalt guide ye through ye castle.
Sir James: Where ist this enchanted bracelet, Young Wizard?
Young Wizard: Here!
(Ye Wizard opens a drawer to reveal a 24-piece tea service. Quickly he closes ye drawer and opens another to reveal ye bracelet.)
Young Wizard: Here it is!
(Nomi and Sir James both reach for it together, with Sir James taking possession first.)
Nomi: But-
Sir James: Sorry. You’re just too late.
Young Wizard: Now, thou art going to need transport to get there. Follow me.
(They go on deck.)
Young Wizard: Here we have a most stealthy vessel, thou might call it a “stealth boat”. Take it to ye landing bay of ye castle, then speak with me through ye enchanted bracelet.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carrier pigeon flutters overhead, landing on Nomi’s shoulder.)
Nomi: Ah, this will be ye reply to a missive I sent to Sir Gareth.
(She takes ye message from ye pigeon’s leg.)
Sir James: What does it say?
Nomi: Sir Gareth has replied to my request that thee, Sir James, shalt once more be Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: (Visibly swelling with pride.) I shalt once more be Naught Naught Seven?
Nomi: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Then, Nomi, I have but one thing to say to thee.
Nomi: And what ist that, Sir Ja… I mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Thine pigeon hast also left a different kind of message on thine shoulder. You might want to clean it before we get into ye boat.
A quick kudos to Westward_Drift for the illustrations, and more which will be in the finished version.
well Acte 3 turned out better than I thought it would! other than the big Blofeld scene I though it would be very dry and exposition-y, yet our version is full of laffs!
I like the graphics, and they should hopefully help us keep track of the space of Safin's headquarters for this final Acte. Other than what Fleming described, there should be bubbling green cesspools somewhere on the castle grounds that Nomi and Bond have to pass on their way in and out.
Yes, I remember that you wanted cesspools. I'll insert them if they’re not there.