Nomi: Wait aren't you going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, might as well!
M: Who are you again? if only you'd got some dialog in this play maybe I could consider you, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like theyve been auditioning for years
the door opens, the applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes, and named
Nomi turns to M and makes her case, and M dismisses her as above, cut to the applicants arguing over each others resumes
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword
Cavill: Oh yeh? Listen to this (stands and flexes chest) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" good eh?
Hiddleston: hahaha, that's terrible, not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!*" (*Journey into Mystery 115 April 1965) now that's the sort of dialog theyre looking for!
M: (watching, aside) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and theres even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner (tears off shirt): So lets settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
You guys are writing the wake scene easily. My only contribution is to have M drinking too much:
2 weeks later, M's office.
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
so boss, Fleming's epitaph or something silly? and anybody got an Elba joke?
westward's graphic should be included when M opens the door and the sees the candidates seated next to Moneypenny's desk
by the way, I know Hiddleston and Cavill made actual spy movies that are considered their unofficial auditions, I just think its funnier they argue about their better known comic book roles, which gives us yet another excuse to confuse the level of reality as they quote from the original comic books rather than the films
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
M: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
M: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
M: I heard that! Be quiet! Now....
caractacus sez
what bugs me in the film is M still has his job at this point, despite earlier saying "oh well I'd better tell the PM what I've been up to"
he could always begin this scene with an aside to the audience "the positive side of Bond being dead is now I've got a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!"
then turn to Moneypenny Q Nomi and Tanner and begin the toast in earnest as if he hadn't just said anything unusual
right after the toast...
Moneypenny: Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
M: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right thats done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (rubs hands, opens door to reveal lineup of applicants)
(outside the red door Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Henry Cavill and all the other usual suspects sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously doublechecking what they've claimed in their resumes! ("Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!" "better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword!" etc))
Nomi: Wait aren't you going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, might as well!
M: Who are you again? if only you'd got some dialog in this play maybe I could consider you, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like theyve been auditioning for years
the door opens, the applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes, and named
Nomi turns to M and makes her case, and M dismisses her as above, cut to the applicants arguing over each others resumes
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword
Cavill: Oh yeh? Listen to this (stands and flexes chest) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" good eh?
Hiddleston: hahaha, that's terrible, not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!*" (*Journey into Mystery 115 April 1965) now that's the sort of dialog theyre looking for!
M: (watching, aside) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and theres even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner (tears off shirt): So lets settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
M: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
M: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
M: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) The positive side of Sir James being dead is now I have a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
M: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
M: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (Rubs hands, opens door to reveal line up of applicants.)
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
M: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Ye door opens, ye applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes.Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill and all ye other usual suspects art sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously double-checking what they have claimed in their resumes.)
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? How ist that relevant? surely they art hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: Better than Man of Steel, that ist just a meaningless buzzword.
Cavill: So? Listen to this (Stands and flexes chest.) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" Good,eh?
Hiddleston: Hahaha, that ist terrible, Not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
Ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!” Now that's the sort of dialogue they art looking for!
M: (Watching, aside.) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and there ist even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner: (Tears off shirt.) So let us settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
Elba: I've been a gunslinger, a marksman, and a warrior-seer. (He turns to Hiddleston.) I've bested you more than once.
(Maid Moneypenny turns to a fifth candidate.)
Monneypenny: And thou art?
Ye Fifth Candidate: My name ist Bond, James Suzuki Bond.
(Ye door opens and an attractive, powerful-looking woman strides in, followed by an elderly man.)
BB: Thee can all stop right now! No-one but me shalt make ye decision-
MGW: Er, Barbara…
BB: All right, no-one but me and my brother shalt make ye decision! Now, get dressed and all go home… except perhaps thee, Turner, wait in mine carriage outside.
We are going from winking at the reader (nudge nudge wink wink) to full on Blazing Saddles/Monty Python and the Holy Grail ending here. That's fine, but then this is the end of the "playe". It's as if Eon's lawyers showed up with cease and desist orders. I would then relegate my epilogue and coda to an imaginary conversation or alternate ending because I cant see pulling back enough to get back to pseudo-Elizabeathan times.
caractacus potts, Gymkaya, and the rest may feel differently.
Sir Gareth: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
Sir Gareth: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
Sir Gareth: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
Sir Gareth: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) The positive side of Sir James being dead is now I have a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
Sir Gareth: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
Sir Gareth: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (Rubs hands, opens door to reveal line up of applicants.)
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
Sir Gareth: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Ye door opens, ye applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes.Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill and all ye other usual suspects art sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously double-checking what they have claimed in their resumes.)
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? How ist that relevant? surely they art hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: Better than Man of Steel, that ist just a meaningless buzzword.
Cavill: So? Listen to this (Stands and flexes chest.) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" Good,eh?
Hiddleston: Hahaha, that ist terrible, Not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
Ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!” Now that's the sort of dialogue they art looking for!
M: (Watching, aside.) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and there ist even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Cavill: How about this? "Toss a coin to your Witcher!"
Turner: (Tears off shirt.) So let us settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
Elba: I've been a gunslinger, a marksman, and a warrior-seer. (He turns to Hiddleston.) I've bested you more than once.
(Maid Moneypenny turns to a fifth candidate.)
Monneypenny: And thou art?
Ye Fifth Candidate: My name ist Bond, James Suzuki Bond.
Tanner: Perhaps we should delay interviews until thou art sober (Sir Gareth glares at Tanner.)...er, I mean we hast observed a respectful mourning period.
Sir Gareth: (Hic!) Aye.
Sir Gareth closes the office door and the curtain falls.
I dont get the James Suzuki joke: whose photo is that and why is he calling himself James Suzuki?
westward makes a fair point about the levels of reality peeling back, and in which order. we still have to return back to the level of reality where Madeleine and Mathilde have actually lost a husband and father, and then back to the audience leaving the theatre.
Maybe Mike and Babs would work better amongst the crowd leaving the theatre, but I cant imagine what they would say or what they were doing there. They didnt write this play the audience have just watched, that was the legendary Barb of avonjb007 who did all that fine work, and we've already got one counterclaimant in the audience, Maybe theyre employees, one working coatcheck and the other closing the concession stand, wishing they could be big playwrites one day. Could be a two line gag, but how to indicate theyre Mike n Babs in only two lines?
@caractacus potts It's Henry Golding from the films Crazy Rich Asians, The Gentlemen, and Snake Eyes and from BBC's The Travel Show. He's also been rumored for Bond. I'm just throwing in the name from John Pearson's short story "Blast From The Past" which introduced James Suzuki, Bond's adult son with Kissy Suzuki from YOLT. Honestly, I'm fine with removing the joke. It's rather esoteric, and the joke is getting belabored.
I can't see Mike and Babs here either in the play or the audience. I could change a line in my coda from rotting cabbage to rotting broccoli. Maybe the husband can be named Albert.
A thought. We left Nomi with Madeline in the life raft and made a joke about what happens between Bond and a woman at the end of the adventure. During the wake have Nomi mention she's helping Madeline through her grief. A perfectly innocent statement, more or less. In this case less.
Another, another thought, if we decide to lose the audition fighting....here's a shorter version where the photo is the punch line with the added Nomi line. It has a jokes but reins it in for the epilogue with Madeline.
Sir Gareth: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
Sir Gareth: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
Sir Gareth: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
Sir Gareth: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) With Sir James being dead a patsy he can be so that my position and power mayest remain!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
Sir Gareth: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Maid Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
Sir Gareth: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews!
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
Sir Gareth: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Sir Gareth opens the door to the outer office revealing ye applicants who art nervously checking their resumes.)
Nomi: As I am not needed I must go and meet with Apothecary Swann. (Off maid Moneypenny's inquisitive look.) Since our time in yon lifeboat I hast been...uh... helping her with her grief.
Sir Gareth: Now who ist the firsht...the fir...who art they again?
Tanner: Perhapst we should delay interviews until thou art sober (Sir Gareth glares at Tanner.)...er, I mean we hast observed a respectful mourning period.
Sir Gareth: (Hic!) Aye. Perhapst it ist best.
(Sir Gareth closes the office door and the curtain falls on Sir Gareth and his colleagues.)
I don't like to see my joke cut, but I got plenty in already.
and I did literally include a footnote when I wrote it up, and added a second post explaining what I thought was funny about it, both of which should be a big clue to me my idea of a joke wasn't actually funny! easy choice to cut.
A while back, I wrote a joke in the Imaginary Conversations thread and then gave a footnote explaining what was going on with it. Higgins tore a strip off me for doing that, and quite right too.
The audience applauds the Royal premiere production of Nay Time to Die as the cast give their bows. However, some stand silently, stunned at the preceding playe.
Heated discussions commence both among the Commoners at ground level and among the Nobility in the levels above.
On the ground of the Globe Theatre two rowdy Liverpudlians can’t believe the ending.
Liverpudlian #1: Woah, that was one messed up Playe. It made no sense, I actually thought I saw Sir James die at the end! But of course that never happens in any of these Playes, does it?
Liverpudlian #2: Y'know, that’s what I thought happened too! That can’t be right, must be us who got too messed up. I tell you one thing, I am never eating mouldy bread before one of these Playes again!
Liverpudlian #1: Mouldy bread makes the action better. I could have sworn I was in Italy.
Nearby are a husband and wife.
Husband: Two dozen adventures led to this? I should throw my last bunch of rotting cabbage at the stage.
Wife: Well, I thought it was a great love story. Sir James sacrifices himself for his Lady Love and their Daughter. Even ye Young Wizard found love with Tanner. However, I was shocked to find out Tanner was a woman.
Husband: Tanner wasn’t a woman.
Wife: That’s just the beard throwing you off. When men play all the female parts you’re going to get some that aren’t very convincing. Having a woman as Sir Garth’s Right Hand was a brave choice by the Author.
Husband: (Sigh.) His name is Sir Gareth.
Above the fray a trio of noblemen in their box have their own discussion.
Nobleman #1: I thought it was fantastic.
Nobleman #2: Poppycock. The ending ruined it for me. I expected a lighthearted romp for the whole family. Nay Time to Die? He bloody well did die. This was The Tragic End of Sir James Bond. We didn’t get that in the title or the handbills.
Nobleman #2 hands over a handbill.
Nobleman #1: Fair point. However, thematically….
Nobleman #3 (who looks suspiciously like the ‘deceased’ Christopher Marlowe): Thematically my arse. That damned Stratfordian made up so many new words and odd allusions it will take over four hundred years to sort it all out. I could have done bet-- (He suddenly stops himself as if he has revealed too much.) --er, I loved the character of Paloma.
Nobleman #1: Oh yes, I too loved her.
Nobleman #2: Of that we can all agree. I also have the desire to purchase a corduroy doublet for my upcoming travel to the Continent.
Nobleman #1: As much as I loved the Playe, I felt the costumes were questionable.
Nobleman #3: I hear the ‘Bard of Avon’ is just an actor hired by Squires Purvis and Wade.
The other noblemen stare at the one who looks suspiciously like the ‘deceased’ Christopher Marlowe for several seconds before resuming their conversation.
Nobleman #1: So we can all agree to have differing opinions?
Nobleman #2: Absolutely not. Only one can proclaim the success or failure of Nay Time to Die.
The noblemen, along with the entire audience, turn toward the Royal Booth.
Queen Elizabeth stands and clears her throat.
Queen Elizabeth: We desire a Dou Dou. (An advisor whispers in her ear.) What? Of course. This production was quite satisfactory, although one must admit they haven’t been the same since they killed Dame Miles.
And so we come full circle, ending at the Globe where we started. Our imaginations have taken us to Norway, Cuba, Japan and Jamaica. We've travelled in time as well.
We've had parody and pastiche, farce and flatulence. We've had truly, really terrible jokes and truly, really clever ones.
Moving this over from the Imaginary Conversations thread:
I've added to the titles of Shakespeare's CR and QoS, making them officially parts 1 and 2.
I envision that Avengers tale to be the third in the series after The Avenging Lord Steed and Lord Doctor Keel and The Avenging Lord Steed and Lady Gale.
Comments
The applicants
You need a Nomi comment about being passed over as the capper.
Nomi: Wait aren't you going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, might as well!
M: Who are you again? if only you'd got some dialog in this play maybe I could consider you, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like theyve been auditioning for years
And by opposing, be ended. DouDou - to sleep.
(He sees ye approaching fire from ye warships, tucks Dou Dou into his doublet and stands to face them.)
He's taken the doublet off, so it'll have to be the waistband of his trousers or tights.
how bout this
the door opens, the applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes, and named
Nomi turns to M and makes her case, and M dismisses her as above, cut to the applicants arguing over each others resumes
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword
Cavill: Oh yeh? Listen to this (stands and flexes chest) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" good eh?
Hiddleston: hahaha, that's terrible, not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!*" (*Journey into Mystery 115 April 1965) now that's the sort of dialog theyre looking for!
M: (watching, aside) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and theres even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner (tears off shirt): So lets settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
gymkata said:
Gotta have Elba come in.
I dont know enough about him to make an Elba joke, but true he's the name that keeps coming up more than all the others combined.
someone else got a good Elba gag that would fit?
I know he was in Thor alongside Hiddleston but didnt get more than two quick lines
Duly amended. 😀
You guys are writing the wake scene easily. My only contribution is to have M drinking too much:
2 weeks later, M's office.
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
so boss, Fleming's epitaph or something silly? and anybody got an Elba joke?
westward's graphic should be included when M opens the door and the sees the candidates seated next to Moneypenny's desk
by the way, I know Hiddleston and Cavill made actual spy movies that are considered their unofficial auditions, I just think its funnier they argue about their better known comic book roles, which gives us yet another excuse to confuse the level of reality as they quote from the original comic books rather than the films
speaking of having to explain a joke, here's SCTV's commercial for a K-Tel type album of Shakespeare's Greatest Jokes,
order now and you'll also receive a free a volume of FootNotes, to help you get the jokes you get
Something silly, of course!
No wonder Nahum Tate edited out The Fool from King Lear.
2 weeks later, M's office.
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
M: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
M: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
M: I heard that! Be quiet! Now....
caractacus sez
what bugs me in the film is M still has his job at this point, despite earlier saying "oh well I'd better tell the PM what I've been up to"
he could always begin this scene with an aside to the audience "the positive side of Bond being dead is now I've got a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!"
then turn to Moneypenny Q Nomi and Tanner and begin the toast in earnest as if he hadn't just said anything unusual
right after the toast...
Moneypenny: Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
M: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right thats done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (rubs hands, opens door to reveal lineup of applicants)
(outside the red door Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Henry Cavill and all the other usual suspects sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously doublechecking what they've claimed in their resumes! ("Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!" "better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword!" etc))
Nomi: Wait aren't you going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, might as well!
M: Who are you again? if only you'd got some dialog in this play maybe I could consider you, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like theyve been auditioning for years
the door opens, the applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes, and named
Nomi turns to M and makes her case, and M dismisses her as above, cut to the applicants arguing over each others resumes
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? how's that relevant? surely they're hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: better than Man of Steel, that's just a meaningless buzzword
Cavill: Oh yeh? Listen to this (stands and flexes chest) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" good eh?
Hiddleston: hahaha, that's terrible, not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!*" (*Journey into Mystery 115 April 1965) now that's the sort of dialog theyre looking for!
M: (watching, aside) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and theres even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner (tears off shirt): So lets settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
And now over to you to join all that up!
Elba: I've been a gunslinger, a marksman, and a warrior-seer. (He turn to Hiddleston.) I've bested you more than once.
Maid Moneypenny turns to a fifth candidate.
Monneypenny: And thou art?
The fifth candidate: My name ist Bond, James Suzuki Bond.
2 weeks later, M's office.
M: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
M: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
M: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
M: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) The positive side of Sir James being dead is now I have a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
M: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
M: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (Rubs hands, opens door to reveal line up of applicants.)
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
M: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Ye door opens, ye applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes. Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill and all ye other usual suspects art sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously double-checking what they have claimed in their resumes.)
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? How ist that relevant? surely they art hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: Better than Man of Steel, that ist just a meaningless buzzword.
Cavill: So? Listen to this (Stands and flexes chest.) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" Good,eh?
Hiddleston: Hahaha, that ist terrible, Not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
Ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!” Now that's the sort of dialogue they art looking for!
M: (Watching, aside.) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and there ist even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Turner: (Tears off shirt.) So let us settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
Elba: I've been a gunslinger, a marksman, and a warrior-seer. (He turns to Hiddleston.) I've bested you more than once.
(Maid Moneypenny turns to a fifth candidate.)
Monneypenny: And thou art?
Ye Fifth Candidate: My name ist Bond, James Suzuki Bond.
(Ye door opens and an attractive, powerful-looking woman strides in, followed by an elderly man.)
BB: Thee can all stop right now! No-one but me shalt make ye decision-
MGW: Er, Barbara…
BB: All right, no-one but me and my brother shalt make ye decision! Now, get dressed and all go home… except perhaps thee, Turner, wait in mine carriage outside.
Is that too crazy?
Honestly, it is a bit.
We are going from winking at the reader (nudge nudge wink wink) to full on Blazing Saddles/Monty Python and the Holy Grail ending here. That's fine, but then this is the end of the "playe". It's as if Eon's lawyers showed up with cease and desist orders. I would then relegate my epilogue and coda to an imaginary conversation or alternate ending because I cant see pulling back enough to get back to pseudo-Elizabeathan times.
caractacus potts, Gymkaya, and the rest may feel differently.
Only too happy to dial back the craziness. At which point do you want the above rewritten? Or perhaps rewrite it yourself? No worries
A quick rewrite:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-
Act __ Scene __
--------------------------------------------------
2 weeks later, Sir Gareth's office.
Sir Gareth: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
Sir Gareth: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
Sir Gareth: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
Sir Gareth: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) The positive side of Sir James being dead is now I have a patsy to pin this mess on and can keep my job!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
Sir Gareth: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
Sir Gareth: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews! (Rubs hands, opens door to reveal line up of applicants.)
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
Sir Gareth: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Ye door opens, ye applicants are revealed nervously checking their resumes. Aiden Turner, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill and all ye other usual suspects art sitting in a row next to Moneypenny's desk, nervously double-checking what they have claimed in their resumes.)
Cavill: Norse God of Mischief? How ist that relevant? surely they art hiring good guys!
Hiddleston: Better than Man of Steel, that ist just a meaningless buzzword.
Cavill: So? Listen to this (Stands and flexes chest.) "Great Krypton! Lois has figured out my secret identity yet again!" Good,eh?
Hiddleston: Hahaha, that ist terrible, Not even remotely pseudo-Shakespearian! Now you listen and learn!
Ahem "At last, despised half-brother, you have made your most fatal blunder! You have stupidly chosen to battle me on my home grounds! My enchanted sword against your enchanted hammer! Though their power be equal, my cunning brain gives me the advantage!” Now that's the sort of dialogue they art looking for!
M: (Watching, aside.) That is pretty good pseudo-Shakespearian and there ist even a half-brother reference, but much too smug!
Cavill: How about this? "Toss a coin to your Witcher!"
Turner: (Tears off shirt.) So let us settle this like real men! Who looks best without a shirt? We all know that was the most important criteria when they hired the last fellow!
Elba: I've been a gunslinger, a marksman, and a warrior-seer. (He turns to Hiddleston.) I've bested you more than once.
(Maid Moneypenny turns to a fifth candidate.)
Monneypenny: And thou art?
Ye Fifth Candidate: My name ist Bond, James Suzuki Bond.
Tanner: Perhaps we should delay interviews until thou art sober (Sir Gareth glares at Tanner.)...er, I mean we hast observed a respectful mourning period.
Sir Gareth: (Hic!) Aye.
Sir Gareth closes the office door and the curtain falls.
well I like it cuz all my lines got used!
I dont get the James Suzuki joke: whose photo is that and why is he calling himself James Suzuki?
westward makes a fair point about the levels of reality peeling back, and in which order. we still have to return back to the level of reality where Madeleine and Mathilde have actually lost a husband and father, and then back to the audience leaving the theatre.
Maybe Mike and Babs would work better amongst the crowd leaving the theatre, but I cant imagine what they would say or what they were doing there. They didnt write this play the audience have just watched, that was the legendary Barb of avonjb007 who did all that fine work, and we've already got one counterclaimant in the audience, Maybe theyre employees, one working coatcheck and the other closing the concession stand, wishing they could be big playwrites one day. Could be a two line gag, but how to indicate theyre Mike n Babs in only two lines?
@caractacus potts It's Henry Golding from the films Crazy Rich Asians, The Gentlemen, and Snake Eyes and from BBC's The Travel Show. He's also been rumored for Bond. I'm just throwing in the name from John Pearson's short story "Blast From The Past" which introduced James Suzuki, Bond's adult son with Kissy Suzuki from YOLT. Honestly, I'm fine with removing the joke. It's rather esoteric, and the joke is getting belabored.
I can't see Mike and Babs here either in the play or the audience. I could change a line in my coda from rotting cabbage to rotting broccoli. Maybe the husband can be named Albert.
A thought. We left Nomi with Madeline in the life raft and made a joke about what happens between Bond and a woman at the end of the adventure. During the wake have Nomi mention she's helping Madeline through her grief. A perfectly innocent statement, more or less. In this case less.
Another, another thought, if we decide to lose the audition fighting....here's a shorter version where the photo is the punch line with the added Nomi line. It has a jokes but reins it in for the epilogue with Madeline.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
2 weeks later, Sir Gareth's office.
Sir Gareth: (56 bottles of booze later.) Thang you all very mush for (hic!) atte... at... coming here.
(Moneypenny, ye Young Wizard, William Of Tanner, and Nomi nod carefully, watching to make sure Sir Gareth doesn't stagger into any of ye furniture.... again.)
Sir Gareth: We have gathered here today to remember.... remember.... (Attempts a whisper, fails drastically.) Moneypenny, what wash I to remember?
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James Bond, sire.
Sir Gareth: Oh, ish that who it ish? (Hic!) I have not sheen him for a while.
Tanner: (Aside, to Young Wizard.) I would be surprised if he hast seen anything for a while.
Sir Gareth: I heard that! Be quiet! Now.… (Aside.) With Sir James being dead a patsy he can be so that my position and power mayest remain!
(Ye MI6 staff turn and look at each other.)
Sir Gareth: Right, has everyone got a drink? Well, there art some words I would like to say on behalf of Sir James.
There are places I never saw, which fact I regret
There are people I never knew, who I wish I had met
Adventures I never had, dangers which I have ducked
But most of all, there are women I never-
Maid Moneypenny: (Hurriedly.) Wait, didn't we do this one already? Back when I shot him two plays ago maybe?
Sir Gareth: With the number of times this fellow's been thought dead, retired, or gone rogue, who can remember any more?
Right that ist done, back to work everybody, now for the interviews!
Nomi: Wait- art thou not going to assign me his name too, as well as his number? All those rude people shouting at me whenever I go out in public already think I'm the new James Bond, thou might as well!
Sir Gareth: Who art thee again? If only you'd got some dialogue in this play maybe I could consider thee, but all these applicants here have most impressive resumes, like they have been auditioning for years.
(Sir Gareth opens the door to the outer office revealing ye applicants who art nervously checking their resumes.)
Nomi: As I am not needed I must go and meet with Apothecary Swann. (Off maid Moneypenny's inquisitive look.) Since our time in yon lifeboat I hast been...uh... helping her with her grief.
Sir Gareth: Now who ist the firsht...the fir...who art they again?
Tanner: Perhapst we should delay interviews until thou art sober (Sir Gareth glares at Tanner.)...er, I mean we hast observed a respectful mourning period.
Sir Gareth: (Hic!) Aye. Perhapst it ist best.
(Sir Gareth closes the office door and the curtain falls on Sir Gareth and his colleagues.)
I like that last version, it stays more within our take on reality (which is loose at best).
Unless Gymkata has anything to add, I think we're done here and moving on to ...
I don't like to see my joke cut, but I got plenty in already.
and I did literally include a footnote when I wrote it up, and added a second post explaining what I thought was funny about it, both of which should be a big clue to me my idea of a joke wasn't actually funny! easy choice to cut.
A while back, I wrote a joke in the Imaginary Conversations thread and then gave a footnote explaining what was going on with it. Higgins tore a strip off me for doing that, and quite right too.
Then in it goes!
Westward, over to you.
Epilogue:
(Apothecary Swann walks onto the stage carrying Mathilde in her arms.)
Apothecary Swann: Remember at the curtain call
That stories need not end,
Whatever tragic fate befell
Our valiant and courageous friend.
Our sadness shall quell
As we relive his life
Awed by stories of heroic deeds
Overcoming villains and strife.
Not only in past glories must we revel.
For there are lucrative opportunities in
Sequels, Prequels,
Spin-offs, Reboots and Re-quels.
A time will come to recommence
When our coffers are bare of what we hold most fond.
Thus in another four to six years hence
We will again tell the tale of he who ist named
Bond, Sir James Bond.
(Apothecary Swann and Mathilde exeunt stage right, Mathilde giving the audience a smile and a wave.)
===================================================================================================
CODA:
The audience applauds the Royal premiere production of Nay Time to Die as the cast give their bows. However, some stand silently, stunned at the preceding playe.
Heated discussions commence both among the Commoners at ground level and among the Nobility in the levels above.
On the ground of the Globe Theatre two rowdy Liverpudlians can’t believe the ending.
Liverpudlian #1: Woah, that was one messed up Playe. It made no sense, I actually thought I saw Sir James die at the end! But of course that never happens in any of these Playes, does it?
Liverpudlian #2: Y'know, that’s what I thought happened too! That can’t be right, must be us who got too messed up. I tell you one thing, I am never eating mouldy bread before one of these Playes again!
Liverpudlian #1: Mouldy bread makes the action better. I could have sworn I was in Italy.
Nearby are a husband and wife.
Husband: Two dozen adventures led to this? I should throw my last bunch of rotting cabbage at the stage.
Wife: Well, I thought it was a great love story. Sir James sacrifices himself for his Lady Love and their Daughter. Even ye Young Wizard found love with Tanner. However, I was shocked to find out Tanner was a woman.
Husband: Tanner wasn’t a woman.
Wife: That’s just the beard throwing you off. When men play all the female parts you’re going to get some that aren’t very convincing. Having a woman as Sir Garth’s Right Hand was a brave choice by the Author.
Husband: (Sigh.) His name is Sir Gareth.
Above the fray a trio of noblemen in their box have their own discussion.
Nobleman #1: I thought it was fantastic.
Nobleman #2: Poppycock. The ending ruined it for me. I expected a lighthearted romp for the whole family. Nay Time to Die? He bloody well did die. This was The Tragic End of Sir James Bond. We didn’t get that in the title or the handbills.
Nobleman #2 hands over a handbill.
Nobleman #1: Fair point. However, thematically….
Nobleman #3 (who looks suspiciously like the ‘deceased’ Christopher Marlowe): Thematically my arse. That damned Stratfordian made up so many new words and odd allusions it will take over four hundred years to sort it all out. I could have done bet-- (He suddenly stops himself as if he has revealed too much.) --er, I loved the character of Paloma.
Nobleman #1: Oh yes, I too loved her.
Nobleman #2: Of that we can all agree. I also have the desire to purchase a corduroy doublet for my upcoming travel to the Continent.
Nobleman #1: As much as I loved the Playe, I felt the costumes were questionable.
Nobleman #3: I hear the ‘Bard of Avon’ is just an actor hired by Squires Purvis and Wade.
The other noblemen stare at the one who looks suspiciously like the ‘deceased’ Christopher Marlowe for several seconds before resuming their conversation.
Nobleman #1: So we can all agree to have differing opinions?
Nobleman #2: Absolutely not. Only one can proclaim the success or failure of Nay Time to Die.
The noblemen, along with the entire audience, turn toward the Royal Booth.
Queen Elizabeth stands and clears her throat.
Queen Elizabeth: We desire a Dou Dou. (An advisor whispers in her ear.) What? Of course. This production was quite satisfactory, although one must admit they haven’t been the same since they killed Dame Miles.
And so we come full circle, ending at the Globe where we started. Our imaginations have taken us to Norway, Cuba, Japan and Jamaica. We've travelled in time as well.
We've had parody and pastiche, farce and flatulence. We've had truly, really terrible jokes and truly, really clever ones.
But above all we've had fun.
Thank you.
Moving this over from the Imaginary Conversations thread:
I've added to the titles of Shakespeare's CR and QoS, making them officially parts 1 and 2.
I envision that Avengers tale to be the third in the series after The Avenging Lord Steed and Lord Doctor Keel and The Avenging Lord Steed and Lady Gale.