The jokes thread

Number24

A dedicated thread for (the non-political) jokes. I'll start.


I like sex just like my Wi-Fi - slow and unprotected.

Number24

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
-"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"



It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Norwegian dog goes voff, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.


“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.


My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.


A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
Nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?”

always shaken

The finest ships of NATO Navies ,meet up in Portsmouth harbour ,
The captain of the French ship ,proudly boasts ," i have the bravest sailors in the fleet" Pierre he shouts, i want you to jump off the deck, oiu captain ,and Pierre duly jumps off into the sea .Nonsense says the Italian captain ,i have the bravest men in the fleet ,Luigi ,jump off the deck onto the quay ,Sailor Luigi duly jumps off deck and splats all over the quay. Thats nothing booms the American captain , and orders a sailor to climb up to the top of the yard arm ,and jump into the sea , There you guys ,i have the bravest sailors in the fleet .Not to be out done ,the British captain ,calls a able seaman over,Able seaman Jones ,i want you to climb uo to the top of the funnel ,and dive in into the sea ," no bloody way sir "came the suprised reply ,are you disobeying my order jones? yes sir came Jones reply ,There proudly boasts the British captain ,i told you my sailors are the bravest ,

Number24

Paralell lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they're never meet.


I threw a boomerang earlier today.
Now I live in constant fear.


To the person who stole my Microsoft Office I'd like to say I'm coming for you.
You have my Word.

Number24

The wife phoned her husband who was on his way home from work: "Promise me you'll be extra careful driving today, honey. The radio says soem lunatic is driving in the wrong lane on the highway."
The shouted back: "One? There are hundreds of them!!!"

Number24

If you relly need to follow the tweets of some famous person, follow TheTweetOfGod@

Silhouette Man

Here was my earlier iteration:

https://www.ajb007.co.uk/topic/39470/ejector-seat-youre-joking-the-ajb-jokes-thread/

Number24

Sorry, I didn't remember. Should we let the Mods rule on this or should we just move over to the older thread?

Sir Miles

Number24 wrote:

Sorry, I didn't remember. Should we let the Mods rule on this or should we just move over to the older thread?

Move to the original thread...