James Bond Deletes His Twitter Account
Napoleon Plural
LondonPosts: 10,467MI6 Agent
British superspy last night deleted his Twitter account following widespread condemnation of his 'sexist' and 'inappropriate' comments. His tweets only came to light during an upcoming reissue of his films on Blu Ray, scheduled for later this year.
The dirty double-oh enjoyed full access to a Twitter prototype as early as the 1960s. 'It was the main way by which agents communicated with each other,' reveals a media and MI6 expert.
The sleazy sleuth's tweets have provoked a barrage of criticism from MPs and feminists. One such offering, dating from 1969, headed 'Kudos to the baldy man' read 'Surrounded by snow - I could hoover it up! There's all kinds of hot international totty in THIS pussy penthouse - they put the UN into clUNge lol...'
Labour's Harriet Harman commented 'Irrespective of the times, this kind of talk is appalling. In the late 60s and 70s, he should have been making the case for paedophile organisations, as I was...'
Further tweets from 1973 prove too racist to print here, but the sexism continues in a similar vein. "You say she's a virgin, I'm gonna be the first in! #WhoseFirst" is thought to refer to his first encounter with Solitaire. One 1979 post, seemingly directed at a fully qualified NASA woman astronaut, read 'In space, no one's gonna hear you scream baby!' and 'If you see this shuttle rocking, don't come knocking!'
Prime Minister May announced last night that she was 'disappointed' in the posts but refused to confirm if she was asking him to step down. President Trump was unable to be reached for a comment, though one Tweet in the early hours of a vodka martini and a smile seemed to refer approvingly to the errant agent.
The spy's last Tweet appeared to reference the Nationwide Bank advertisement, featuring a picture of Flo & Joan with the caption 'Sisters? You wouldn't have to be doing it to yourselves if I was around!' but this has been subsequently blamed on Russian interference.
In similar news, Bond producer Barbara Broccoli has vetoed the use of women 'walk ons' during upcoming films and, controversially, the entire back catalogue. 'The Bond franchise has always moved with the times, and this is no exception,' she commented.
The series is to undergo urgent remastering. 'The Goldfinger scene in Miami will be reedited to eliminate sashaying bikini bottoms and instead plump for frolicking families with picnicking kids. We aim to present James Bond in a family-friendly atmosphere.'
In Octopussy, a similar scene at a hotel will also play on Bond's use of the word 'asp' but instead cutting to a woman's derriere, it will show a donkey-like animal being led by a starving peasant to the hotel pool for its daily draught of water. 'This will serve to underline the discrepancy between the riches of Kamal Khan and the poverty of everyday life in India,' said the producer.
'Octopussy's girl troupe may be digitally remastered and replaced with a gang of navvies.'
Michael G Wilson was said to be unavailable for comment.
The dirty double-oh enjoyed full access to a Twitter prototype as early as the 1960s. 'It was the main way by which agents communicated with each other,' reveals a media and MI6 expert.
The sleazy sleuth's tweets have provoked a barrage of criticism from MPs and feminists. One such offering, dating from 1969, headed 'Kudos to the baldy man' read 'Surrounded by snow - I could hoover it up! There's all kinds of hot international totty in THIS pussy penthouse - they put the UN into clUNge lol...'
Labour's Harriet Harman commented 'Irrespective of the times, this kind of talk is appalling. In the late 60s and 70s, he should have been making the case for paedophile organisations, as I was...'
Further tweets from 1973 prove too racist to print here, but the sexism continues in a similar vein. "You say she's a virgin, I'm gonna be the first in! #WhoseFirst" is thought to refer to his first encounter with Solitaire. One 1979 post, seemingly directed at a fully qualified NASA woman astronaut, read 'In space, no one's gonna hear you scream baby!' and 'If you see this shuttle rocking, don't come knocking!'
Prime Minister May announced last night that she was 'disappointed' in the posts but refused to confirm if she was asking him to step down. President Trump was unable to be reached for a comment, though one Tweet in the early hours of a vodka martini and a smile seemed to refer approvingly to the errant agent.
The spy's last Tweet appeared to reference the Nationwide Bank advertisement, featuring a picture of Flo & Joan with the caption 'Sisters? You wouldn't have to be doing it to yourselves if I was around!' but this has been subsequently blamed on Russian interference.
In similar news, Bond producer Barbara Broccoli has vetoed the use of women 'walk ons' during upcoming films and, controversially, the entire back catalogue. 'The Bond franchise has always moved with the times, and this is no exception,' she commented.
The series is to undergo urgent remastering. 'The Goldfinger scene in Miami will be reedited to eliminate sashaying bikini bottoms and instead plump for frolicking families with picnicking kids. We aim to present James Bond in a family-friendly atmosphere.'
In Octopussy, a similar scene at a hotel will also play on Bond's use of the word 'asp' but instead cutting to a woman's derriere, it will show a donkey-like animal being led by a starving peasant to the hotel pool for its daily draught of water. 'This will serve to underline the discrepancy between the riches of Kamal Khan and the poverty of everyday life in India,' said the producer.
'Octopussy's girl troupe may be digitally remastered and replaced with a gang of navvies.'
Michael G Wilson was said to be unavailable for comment.
"This is where we leave you Mr Bond."
Roger Moore 1927-2017
Roger Moore 1927-2017
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