2006. (The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are in their limousine on their way to attend the Royal Premiere of “Casino Royale”.)
The Duke: Damn it all, Elizabeth, I’m sure we’ve seen this one before.
The Queen: It is a new version, Philip, one is assured it is quite different.
The Duke: Hmph, they all look the same to me. Just like all those bloody-
The Queen: That’s enough, Philip, I have told you about that many times.
The Duke: Come to think of it, I’m sure I read the book of this back in the day. Not too bad, I thought. Who’s this new chap they’ve got playing Bond?
The Queen: His name’s Craig. One doesn’t know too much about him.
The Duke: I hear he’s a little fella.
The Queen: Well, don’t mention it if he is.
The Duke: I like that sexy young filly that’s acting in this.
The Queen: Eva Green?
The Duke: No, the other one- Judi Dench.
(The limousine draws up in front of the theatre and they step out.)
MGW: Thank you for attending, Your Majesty and Your Highness, it is wonderful to see you both again.
The Queen: Thank you, Mr Broccoli.
MGW: ...er… yes. (Decides against explaining, in view of what he’s about to say.) May I introduce my sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli?
The Queen: A pleasure.
BB: I do hope you enjoy our film, ma’am.
The Queen: I’m sure we shall.
BB: May I present the star of our film, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Duke: (Whispers.) He doesn’t look all that short.
The Queen: (Whispers.) Well, he is standing next to Judi Dench. (Aloud.) A pleasure to meet you, Mr Craig.
Craig: A privilege to meet you, ma’am.
The Duke: I read the book of this many years ago. Are you doing that bit where the bad guy ties you to a chair and whacks you in the-
The Queen: Philip!
Craig: Ah yes, that is in the film, sir.
BB: (Moving quickly along.) And you will know Dame Judi Dench, of course.
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: And you, ma’am.
The Queen: Have you played any more of my ancestors since last we met?
Dame Judi: I’m working my way through them, ma’am.
The Duke: I wouldn’t mind working my way through your-
The Queen: Philip!
MGW: This way, ma’am.
The Queen: One is looking forward to the scene in which Q gives James Bond the weapons and gadgets he will require for this mission.
BB: Ah, er, that won’t be happening in this film, ma’am.
The Queen: Really? Well, no matter. One is always pleased to see Miss Moneypenny, then.
MGW: Ah… Miss Moneypenny isn’t in the film either, ma’am.
The Duke: Did you forget to put them in or something?
MGW: Well, no, sir, we just thought-
The Duke: I hope you remembered to put in a car chase!
BB: Yes, sir, there is a car chase.
The Queen: And one is sure it will be a very good one, too. Shall we…?
MGW/BB: Yes, ma’am.
Thank you both very much!
I did try some writing long ago (and there is a story to that which I won't go into here) but found songwriting much more satisfying! These days of course I'm happily retired- up till 6 months ago I'd have said "semi-retired" but the pandemic put paid to that idea.
Boodles Club, London. December 1951. Noël Coward has invited Ian Fleming for dinner to meet someone.
Noël: Ah, there you are, old man. Come and sit down, this is Gary...
Gary: Sparrow, Gary Sparrow.
Ian: Pleased to meet you, Gary, Noël tells me you are a songwriter.
Noël: And like you was involved in the war effort, dear boy.
Ian: Secret missions and such, eh?
Gary: On a need to know basis, I’m sure you understand.
(Churchill sits down at another table close by and Gary nods to him)
Noël: Ian is off to Jamaica to write a novel, he’s finding impending marriage such a chore. Gary has the most wonderful girl, from the East End. But I told him how exceptionally perceptive you are, he’s helped me no end with my ditties, not that they are not there in the first place, you understand, but just a helpful nudge in the right direction here and there.
Ian: I’m going to write about a spy, a secret agent, going to be the first in a whole series and I want them turned into movies.
Gary: I KNOW it’s going to a great success, Ian, take my word for it.
Ian: I find it hard to think of character names so I just use names of people I know, I’m sure some of them are going to be aghast when they read about themselves! Blofeld, Goldfinger, Boothroyd, Leiter...they’re all going to be there sooner or later. Just can’t settle on a name for the hero, though, I want something dull and boring.
Gary: If you’re going to Jamaica, look at a book called Birds of the West Indies, all sorts of names can be taken from that book.
Noël: Oh, look, that Profumo fellow has just walked in, bit of a ladies man, by all accounts.
Gary: Yes, pussy galore.
(A waiter appears and begins slicing the roast beef from the trolley)
Ian: Just potato salad with mine.
Gary: You must have some broccoli, Ian.
Ian: You’re as bad as my doctor, eat this, eat that, don’t eat this, don’t drink that, don’t smoke...
Gary: You should call him, Doctor No. Trust me, Ian, you are GOING to need Broccoli.
Ian: Waiter, get me a martini, please;
Gary: Make mine three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, a half measure of Kina Lillet, shaken, not stirred and then a slice of lemon.
Ian: My God, I like the sound of that, what’s it called?
Gary: YOU will think of a name for that, Ian.
Noël: I must go, a nice young man has just walked into the bar, goodnight, Ian, dear boy, and goodnight darling, Gary.
Gary: Goodnight, sweetheart.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Bride: Now, are you sure you’ve got the flowers exactly the way I wanted them?
Wedding Planner: Yes, ma’am.
Bride: And the ice sculpture? You’ve got the ice sculpture ready?
Wedding Planner: Just as you wanted, ma’am.
Bride: The swans! I wanted swans!
Best Maid: Now calm down there, Cindy Lou, it’s all gonna be just fine.
Wedding Planner: We have the swans ready.
Bride: Are you sure that you followed the seating pattern? We can’t have my Auntie Ellen Sue sitting next to Uncle Billy Bob!
Best Maid: Billy Bob ain’t coming, he’s messing about with his boat.
Bride: What? But now we have to change the whole seating plan!
Best Maid: It’s all sorted, Cindy Lou, stop worrying.
Wedding Planner: And where would you like the cake, ma’am?
Bride: The cake! Four tiers, just like I said?
Wedding Planner: Of course, ma’am.
Bride: I want it on its own table- where it won’t be missed.
Wedding Planner: Oh certainly ma’am- it definitely will not be missed.
Publisher: Ah, good morning old boy, thanks for coming in.
Amis: But of course.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Amis: Three measures of Gordon's, one of...
Publisher: Yes, your, ah, predecessor kept us on our toes in that department. Well I certainly didn't expect to be having one of these discussions again so soon.
Amis: Nor did I.
Publisher: I must say this new one is very close to dear Ian's style. These villains are very much up to scratch..
Amis: Quite the old devils, eh?
Publisher: ... and the heroine, Ariadne, is quite the beauty and more than a match for Bond.
Amis: Yes - lucky Jim.
Publisher: I'm not sure how suitable some of these scenes may be for our friends at EON though, you know, so we may have trouble with the film rights. M being kidnapped for instance and having quite so large a role in a Bond story, I can't ever see that happening; that goes for the name too, Colonel Sun ...
Amis: Then you and I have something in common.
Publisher: And as for this torture scene...
Amis: Yes, it's a bit cuckoo, eh?
Publisher: Well, never mind, I enjoyed it and I look forward to your next one. In the meantime, we shall start to promote this: Kingsley Amis's new James Bond novel.
Amis: I'm afraid you can't use my name old boy. We'll have to find a pseudonym.
Publisher: Now that is a shame. We'd have made you a few bob if we'd been able to mark'em with your name. Any ideas?
Amis: Oh I'm sure we can come up with something - lunch at Scott's?...
Bride: Now, are you sure you’ve got the flowers exactly the way I wanted them?
Wedding Planner: Yes, ma’am.
Bride: And the ice sculpture? You’ve got the ice sculpture ready?
Wedding Planner: Just as you wanted, ma’am.
Bride: The swans! I wanted swans!
Best Maid: Now calm down there, Cindy Lou, it’s all gonna be just fine.
Wedding Planner: We have the swans ready.
Bride: Are you sure that you followed the seating pattern? We can’t have my Auntie Ellen Sue sitting next to Uncle Billy Bob!
Best Maid: Billy Bob ain’t coming, he’s messing about with his boat.
Bride: What? But now we have to change the whole seating plan!
Best Maid: It’s all sorted, Cindy Lou, stop worrying.
Wedding Planner: And where would you like the cake, ma’am?
Bride: The cake! Four tiers, just like I said?
Wedding Planner: Of course, ma’am.
Bride: I want it on its own table- where it won’t be missed.
Wedding Planner: Oh certainly ma’am- it definitely will not be missed.
) ) )
I said it would all end in tiers :v
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Publisher: Ah, good morning old boy, thanks for coming in.
Amis: But of course.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Amis: Three measures of Gordon's, one of...
Publisher: Yes, your, ah, predecessor kept us on our toes in that department. Well I certainly didn't expect to be having one of these discussions again so soon.
Amis: Nor did I.
Publisher: I must say this new one is very close to dear Ian's style. These villains are very much up to scratch..
Amis: Quite the old devils, eh?
Publisher: ... and the heroine, Ariadne, is quite the beauty and more than a match for Bond.
Amis: Yes - lucky Jim.
Publisher: I'm not sure how suitable some of these scenes may be for our friends at EON though, you know, so we may have trouble with the film rights. M being kidnapped for instance and having quite so large a role in a Bond story, I can't ever see that happening; that goes for the name too, Colonel Sun ...
Amis: Then you and I have something in common.
Publisher: And as for this torture scene...
Amis: Yes, it's a bit cuckoo, eh?
Publisher: Well, never mind, I enjoyed it and I look forward to your next one. In the meantime, we shall start to promote this: Kingsley Amis's new James Bond novel.
Amis: I'm afraid you can't use my name old boy. We'll have to find a pseudonym.
Publisher: Now that is a shame. We'd have made you a few bob if we'd been able to mark'em with your name. Any ideas?
Amis: Oh I'm sure we can come up with something - lunch at Scott's?...
{[] I love the Lucky Jim and mark’em references
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Galore there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Galore. First name Pussy.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Pussy! Pussy Galore! (Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Pussy Galore! (The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you rat fink creep, when I get holda you I'm gonna smash your head in! (In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Broccoli: So, Michael, we gotta change our plans.
MGW: How’s that, Cubby?
Broccoli: We announced that our film next year would be “For Your Eyes Only” but then this “Star Wars” film’s been a huge success and everyone’s making science fiction movies.
MGW: So you want to change the title then?
Broccoli: Yeah, I think we should use “Moonraker” instead. It sounds more like the kinda thing we should be making. Outer space stuff.
MGW: Hmm, I see what you mean.
Broccoli: We should get Lewis Gilbert to direct again.
MGW: Sure, he did a good job on our last one.
Broccoli: And John Glen to do the editing again.
MGW: Get Ken Adam to do the sets again?
Broccoli: Of course. Christopher Wood to write the script again- tell him to bring that big guy back, what’s his name, Jaws.
MGW: Have you come to a deal with Roger yet?
Broccoli: Yeah, he’ll do it.
MGW: And of course the supporting cast- M, Q, Miss Moneypenny, General Gogol, Rublevitch?
Broccoli: Of course.
MGW: So, basically, what you’re saying is you want to hire more or less exactly the same people who made “The Spy Who Loved Me” for us and tell them to do it again but in outer space?
Broccoli: That sounds about right.
MGW: Sure, I don’t think anyone will notice. I’ll start the phone calls right away.
Mario: Hey, Luigi, have a look.
Luigi: (Lifts head from working on a car engine.) What is it?
Mario: Look who’s coming.
Luigi: Oh no, it’s Giovanni again!
Mario: I bet he’s been drinking again, and crashed his car.
Luigi: Probably.
Mario: I wonder what story he’ll have for us this time. A car came out of the ocean?
Luigi: A steel-toothed giant fell out of the sky? (Both laugh.)
Giovanni: Ciao, boys.
Mario: Ciao, Giovanni. What’s the problem this time?
Giovanni: It is very strange.
Mario: Like the time you were on holiday in Korea and a bunch of cars fell from the sky?
Giovanni: No, not that.
Luigi: Or the time you saw an Aston Martin with one door being chased near Sienna?
Giovanni: It is odd that you should mention that- I was driving home in my Fiat, nice and safely, when an Aston Martin came up behind me very quickly, pushing me faster and faster. I was forced into a parking slot and my airbag went off.
Luigi: Was your friend Victor Tourjansky with you, perhaps?
Giovanni: No, just me.
Mario: Giovanni, it is not that we don’t want your business but maybe you should start to think about taking a taxi home after another of your drinking evenings?
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian. Would you-
Fleming: But of course. I believe you know the recipe by now?
Publisher: Yes, yes I do. (Mixes, pours.)
Fleming: So, you’ve read my new manuscript then?
Publisher: Oh yes, of course. So, as you said the last time, you’ve kept James within England this time?
Fleming: Indeed. I thought it would be an interesting change of pace.
Publisher: And so it is. I must admit, I did miss the exotic locales though.
Fleming: Where were you thinking of?
Publisher: Oh, I don’t know- Brazil? Venice?
Fleming: Not what I was aiming for.
Publisher: And this card game- bridge?
Fleming: That’s right.
Publisher: Not everyone plays bridge you know. There are pages after pages discussing a game of bridge!
Fleming: Well, you didn’t complain two books ago when I had pages after pages discussing a game of baccarat in “Casino Royale”!
Publisher: That was different- baccarat is easy to understand and you explained all about it in the text. Also it was a major part of the plot.
Fleming: What, do you want me to change it to Texas Hold’em Poker?
Publisher: That might work.
Fleming: Maybe in another fifty or sixty years! No, I had baccarat in “Casino Royale” and I’m having bridge here.
Publisher: Have it your way. Now, I liked this character Hugo Drax. Great villain.
Fleming: Yes, I was rather pleased with him.
Publisher: But I was a bit disappointed with your leading lady, Gala Brand. She just doesn’t match up with your earlier examples, Vesper Lynd and Solitaire.
Fleming: How so?
Publisher: Well… how can I put this…? James isn’t, er, successful with her.
Fleming: You mean he doesn’t go to bed with her?
Publisher: Er, yes, that’s what I mean.
Fleming: Well, I thought that was a touch towards realism when compared to the fantastic story. A man doesn’t go to bed with every woman he meets, you know.
Publisher: Yes, but this is James Bond!
Fleming: Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Goodhead there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Goodhead. First name Holly.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Goodhead! Holly Goodhead! (Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Goodhead! (The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you bullshit merchant, when I get holda you I'm gonna crush your balls! (In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Bond: Good evening, sir.
M (snorts): Is it, 007? I'm not at all happy to be taking part in this affair.
Bond: I'm rather looking forward to it, sir.
M: Well it strikes me as utterly ridiculous. And dangerous. I'm surprised that Dulles of the CIA, General Grossin of the Deuxieme, General Semichastny of the KGB, with this man Tanaka behind the scenes, agreed to take part in this madness.
Bond: But sir, the reputation of the West is at stake.
M: Reputation?! (snorting more loudly). To find out if Russian and Japanese girls really are as exciting as all those Western girls? Utter tosh. A Geisha wriggles past and pouts at Bond.
General Semichastny: Her mouth - too big!
Bond: No, it's the right size... for me that is.
M (snorting again): Ridiculous.
-{ and as a tribute to your inspired Springfield imaginary conversations, Barbel:
1955. (Moe's Tavern, Springfield.)
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: I'm not sure of his name, but I'm looking for an acquaintance of Mr Krebs.
Moe: Who?
Voice: Krebs - it's someone with him I'm after.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, is anyone with Krebs here? (Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: Anyone, anyone with Krebs? (The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you little punk ass, when I get holda you I'm gonna drop those crabs down your jockey shorts! (In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Disclaimer: Yes, I know this isn’t an accurate depiction with regard to time and place. Or indeed very much else.
1971. (Royal Premiere of “Diamonds Are Forever”.)
Cubby: Right, here they come now. Everyone ready? (General murmurs of assent.)
Cubby: You know what to do, Harry?
Harry: Ok, yes, I’ll behave. (The Queen and the Duke step out of their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Broccoli and Mr Saltzman.
Cubby/Harry: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I must say I am looking forward to seeing your film.
Harry: That’s very kind of you to say so, ma’am.
Cubby: May I present our star, Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: Very pleashant to shee you too, ma’am.
The Duke: I thought you were done being James Bond.
Sean: Ah yesh, but I was offered a deal I could not refushe. Ishn’t that sho, Cubby and Harry?
Harry: A deal? You call that a deal? I’d like to-
Cubby: Harry! Yes, ma’am, we did come to an arrangement. (Glowers at Sean and Harry.) Now, may I present our leading lady, Miss Jill St John?
The Queen: Of course. What beautiful red hair you have!
Jill: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: As long as the collars and cuffs match, eh?
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: And next, Miss Lana Wood.
The Duke: Whoa, that’s a huge pair of-
The Queen: PHILIP!
Lana: A pleasure to meet you, ma’am. (Jill “accidentally” steps on Lana’s foot. Lana “accidentally” elbows Jill in the ribs.)
Cubby: And I believe you already know Miss Shirley Bassey?
The Queen: But yes, we have had the pleasure of hearing Miss Bassey sing many times.
Shirley: Very kind of you, ma’am. (Jill tugs harshly on Lana’s hair. Lana slaps Jill hard.)
The Queen: And what is the song in this film about, Miss Bassey?
Shirley: Er, diamonds ma’am. (Further down the line, John Barry and Don Black snigger to each other.)
Cubby: This way, ma’am. (Lana pulls a set of knuckledusters from her handbag. Jill draws a baseball bat.)
The Queen: And who do we have here? (Next are Jacqueline Saltzman with her children and Dana Broccoli with her children, including 29-year old MGW and 11-year old BB.)
Harry: Our families, ma’am.
The Queen: Hello again, Miss Broccoli. How you’ve grown!
BB: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: I haven’t forgotten what you said, and I look forward to seeing the films you make in the future.
Cubby: That’s exactly what we have planned, ma’am. (From further up the line, the sound of submachine guns is heard.)
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Maybe not, but it jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: .44 Magnum. Most powerful handgun in the world. With a delivery like... well, it'll blow your head clean off. The San Franciscan PD swear by them.
Bond: And where exactly am I supposed to holster that?
Richard Maibaum: So this, Puss-feller, how did he get his name in the book?
Johanna Harwood: He wrestled and beat an octopus.
Richard: Puss-feller he wrestles octopus - is that right? Doesn’t flow well.
Berkeley Mather: I think it’s octopi.
Johanna: He wrestles octopi, doesn’t sound right.
Richard: Is it octopuses? He wrestles octopuses. No, doesn’t sound right.
Johanna: I think it might be octopodes. He wrestles octopodes.
Richard: Doesn’t sound right. Let’s phone, Ian.
(Dials number)
Richard: Ah, Ian, it’s Dickie....tell me is it octopus, octopuses, octopi or octopodes to explain Puss-feller’s name?
Ian: Octopuses is correct, dear boy.
Richard: Are you sure it’s not octopussy? (Laughs)
Ian: Hmmmmmm (Replaces phone)
Richard: He says octopuses. Doesn’t flow well.
Johanna: Let’s just say he wrestles alligators, who’s going to care?
(Everybody nods in agreement)
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Maybe not, but it jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: A .45 long slide with laser sighting. These are new. We just got them in. That's a good gun. The beam comes on - you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss.
M: Any more comments, 007?
Bond: How about a 12 gauge auto-loader, Uzi 9 millimetre, and Plasma rifle in ze 40-watt range?
Armourer: Hey, just what you see, pal. Bond turns to leave with the Beretta tucked under the 45 box.
M: Just where do you think you're going with that, 007?
Bond: Crab Key, sir. But I'll be back...
Comments
The Duke: Damn it all, Elizabeth, I’m sure we’ve seen this one before.
The Queen: It is a new version, Philip, one is assured it is quite different.
The Duke: Hmph, they all look the same to me. Just like all those bloody-
The Queen: That’s enough, Philip, I have told you about that many times.
The Duke: Come to think of it, I’m sure I read the book of this back in the day. Not too bad, I thought. Who’s this new chap they’ve got playing Bond?
The Queen: His name’s Craig. One doesn’t know too much about him.
The Duke: I hear he’s a little fella.
The Queen: Well, don’t mention it if he is.
The Duke: I like that sexy young filly that’s acting in this.
The Queen: Eva Green?
The Duke: No, the other one- Judi Dench.
(The limousine draws up in front of the theatre and they step out.)
MGW: Thank you for attending, Your Majesty and Your Highness, it is wonderful to see you both again.
The Queen: Thank you, Mr Broccoli.
MGW: ...er… yes. (Decides against explaining, in view of what he’s about to say.) May I introduce my sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli?
The Queen: A pleasure.
BB: I do hope you enjoy our film, ma’am.
The Queen: I’m sure we shall.
BB: May I present the star of our film, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Duke: (Whispers.) He doesn’t look all that short.
The Queen: (Whispers.) Well, he is standing next to Judi Dench. (Aloud.) A pleasure to meet you, Mr Craig.
Craig: A privilege to meet you, ma’am.
The Duke: I read the book of this many years ago. Are you doing that bit where the bad guy ties you to a chair and whacks you in the-
The Queen: Philip!
Craig: Ah yes, that is in the film, sir.
BB: (Moving quickly along.) And you will know Dame Judi Dench, of course.
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: And you, ma’am.
The Queen: Have you played any more of my ancestors since last we met?
Dame Judi: I’m working my way through them, ma’am.
The Duke: I wouldn’t mind working my way through your-
The Queen: Philip!
MGW: This way, ma’am.
The Queen: One is looking forward to the scene in which Q gives James Bond the weapons and gadgets he will require for this mission.
BB: Ah, er, that won’t be happening in this film, ma’am.
The Queen: Really? Well, no matter. One is always pleased to see Miss Moneypenny, then.
MGW: Ah… Miss Moneypenny isn’t in the film either, ma’am.
The Duke: Did you forget to put them in or something?
MGW: Well, no, sir, we just thought-
The Duke: I hope you remembered to put in a car chase!
BB: Yes, sir, there is a car chase.
The Queen: And one is sure it will be a very good one, too. Shall we…?
MGW/BB: Yes, ma’am.
I totally agree! Every time the Queen says "Philip" I hear the spitting image puppet say it!
I did try some writing long ago (and there is a story to that which I won't go into here) but found songwriting much more satisfying! These days of course I'm happily retired- up till 6 months ago I'd have said "semi-retired" but the pandemic put paid to that idea.
Noël: Ah, there you are, old man. Come and sit down, this is Gary...
Gary: Sparrow, Gary Sparrow.
Ian: Pleased to meet you, Gary, Noël tells me you are a songwriter.
Noël: And like you was involved in the war effort, dear boy.
Ian: Secret missions and such, eh?
Gary: On a need to know basis, I’m sure you understand.
(Churchill sits down at another table close by and Gary nods to him)
Noël: Ian is off to Jamaica to write a novel, he’s finding impending marriage such a chore. Gary has the most wonderful girl, from the East End. But I told him how exceptionally perceptive you are, he’s helped me no end with my ditties, not that they are not there in the first place, you understand, but just a helpful nudge in the right direction here and there.
Ian: I’m going to write about a spy, a secret agent, going to be the first in a whole series and I want them turned into movies.
Gary: I KNOW it’s going to a great success, Ian, take my word for it.
Ian: I find it hard to think of character names so I just use names of people I know, I’m sure some of them are going to be aghast when they read about themselves! Blofeld, Goldfinger, Boothroyd, Leiter...they’re all going to be there sooner or later. Just can’t settle on a name for the hero, though, I want something dull and boring.
Gary: If you’re going to Jamaica, look at a book called Birds of the West Indies, all sorts of names can be taken from that book.
Noël: Oh, look, that Profumo fellow has just walked in, bit of a ladies man, by all accounts.
Gary: Yes, pussy galore.
(A waiter appears and begins slicing the roast beef from the trolley)
Ian: Just potato salad with mine.
Gary: You must have some broccoli, Ian.
Ian: You’re as bad as my doctor, eat this, eat that, don’t eat this, don’t drink that, don’t smoke...
Gary: You should call him, Doctor No. Trust me, Ian, you are GOING to need Broccoli.
Ian: Waiter, get me a martini, please;
Gary: Make mine three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, a half measure of Kina Lillet, shaken, not stirred and then a slice of lemon.
Ian: My God, I like the sound of that, what’s it called?
Gary: YOU will think of a name for that, Ian.
Noël: I must go, a nice young man has just walked into the bar, goodnight, Ian, dear boy, and goodnight darling, Gary.
Gary: Goodnight, sweetheart.
Bride: Now, are you sure you’ve got the flowers exactly the way I wanted them?
Wedding Planner: Yes, ma’am.
Bride: And the ice sculpture? You’ve got the ice sculpture ready?
Wedding Planner: Just as you wanted, ma’am.
Bride: The swans! I wanted swans!
Best Maid: Now calm down there, Cindy Lou, it’s all gonna be just fine.
Wedding Planner: We have the swans ready.
Bride: Are you sure that you followed the seating pattern? We can’t have my Auntie Ellen Sue sitting next to Uncle Billy Bob!
Best Maid: Billy Bob ain’t coming, he’s messing about with his boat.
Bride: What? But now we have to change the whole seating plan!
Best Maid: It’s all sorted, Cindy Lou, stop worrying.
Wedding Planner: And where would you like the cake, ma’am?
Bride: The cake! Four tiers, just like I said?
Wedding Planner: Of course, ma’am.
Bride: I want it on its own table- where it won’t be missed.
Wedding Planner: Oh certainly ma’am- it definitely will not be missed.
Publisher: Ah, good morning old boy, thanks for coming in.
Amis: But of course.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Amis: Three measures of Gordon's, one of...
Publisher: Yes, your, ah, predecessor kept us on our toes in that department. Well I certainly didn't expect to be having one of these discussions again so soon.
Amis: Nor did I.
Publisher: I must say this new one is very close to dear Ian's style. These villains are very much up to scratch..
Amis: Quite the old devils, eh?
Publisher: ... and the heroine, Ariadne, is quite the beauty and more than a match for Bond.
Amis: Yes - lucky Jim.
Publisher: I'm not sure how suitable some of these scenes may be for our friends at EON though, you know, so we may have trouble with the film rights. M being kidnapped for instance and having quite so large a role in a Bond story, I can't ever see that happening; that goes for the name too, Colonel Sun ...
Amis: Then you and I have something in common.
Publisher: And as for this torture scene...
Amis: Yes, it's a bit cuckoo, eh?
Publisher: Well, never mind, I enjoyed it and I look forward to your next one. In the meantime, we shall start to promote this: Kingsley Amis's new James Bond novel.
Amis: I'm afraid you can't use my name old boy. We'll have to find a pseudonym.
Publisher: Now that is a shame. We'd have made you a few bob if we'd been able to mark'em with your name. Any ideas?
Amis: Oh I'm sure we can come up with something - lunch at Scott's?...
I said it would all end in tiers :v
{[] I love the Lucky Jim and mark’em references
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Galore there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Galore. First name Pussy.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Pussy! Pussy Galore!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Pussy Galore!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you rat fink creep, when I get holda you I'm gonna smash your head in!
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Gary was right about the broccoli! Loved this one CHB
Broccoli: So, Michael, we gotta change our plans.
MGW: How’s that, Cubby?
Broccoli: We announced that our film next year would be “For Your Eyes Only” but then this “Star Wars” film’s been a huge success and everyone’s making science fiction movies.
MGW: So you want to change the title then?
Broccoli: Yeah, I think we should use “Moonraker” instead. It sounds more like the kinda thing we should be making. Outer space stuff.
MGW: Hmm, I see what you mean.
Broccoli: We should get Lewis Gilbert to direct again.
MGW: Sure, he did a good job on our last one.
Broccoli: And John Glen to do the editing again.
MGW: Get Ken Adam to do the sets again?
Broccoli: Of course. Christopher Wood to write the script again- tell him to bring that big guy back, what’s his name, Jaws.
MGW: Have you come to a deal with Roger yet?
Broccoli: Yeah, he’ll do it.
MGW: And of course the supporting cast- M, Q, Miss Moneypenny, General Gogol, Rublevitch?
Broccoli: Of course.
MGW: So, basically, what you’re saying is you want to hire more or less exactly the same people who made “The Spy Who Loved Me” for us and tell them to do it again but in outer space?
Broccoli: That sounds about right.
MGW: Sure, I don’t think anyone will notice. I’ll start the phone calls right away.
Mario: Hey, Luigi, have a look.
Luigi: (Lifts head from working on a car engine.) What is it?
Mario: Look who’s coming.
Luigi: Oh no, it’s Giovanni again!
Mario: I bet he’s been drinking again, and crashed his car.
Luigi: Probably.
Mario: I wonder what story he’ll have for us this time. A car came out of the ocean?
Luigi: A steel-toothed giant fell out of the sky?
(Both laugh.)
Giovanni: Ciao, boys.
Mario: Ciao, Giovanni. What’s the problem this time?
Giovanni: It is very strange.
Mario: Like the time you were on holiday in Korea and a bunch of cars fell from the sky?
Giovanni: No, not that.
Luigi: Or the time you saw an Aston Martin with one door being chased near Sienna?
Giovanni: It is odd that you should mention that- I was driving home in my Fiat, nice and safely, when an Aston Martin came up behind me very quickly, pushing me faster and faster. I was forced into a parking slot and my airbag went off.
Luigi: Was your friend Victor Tourjansky with you, perhaps?
Giovanni: No, just me.
Mario: Giovanni, it is not that we don’t want your business but maybe you should start to think about taking a taxi home after another of your drinking evenings?
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian. Would you-
Fleming: But of course. I believe you know the recipe by now?
Publisher: Yes, yes I do. (Mixes, pours.)
Fleming: So, you’ve read my new manuscript then?
Publisher: Oh yes, of course. So, as you said the last time, you’ve kept James within England this time?
Fleming: Indeed. I thought it would be an interesting change of pace.
Publisher: And so it is. I must admit, I did miss the exotic locales though.
Fleming: Where were you thinking of?
Publisher: Oh, I don’t know- Brazil? Venice?
Fleming: Not what I was aiming for.
Publisher: And this card game- bridge?
Fleming: That’s right.
Publisher: Not everyone plays bridge you know. There are pages after pages discussing a game of bridge!
Fleming: Well, you didn’t complain two books ago when I had pages after pages discussing a game of baccarat in “Casino Royale”!
Publisher: That was different- baccarat is easy to understand and you explained all about it in the text. Also it was a major part of the plot.
Fleming: What, do you want me to change it to Texas Hold’em Poker?
Publisher: That might work.
Fleming: Maybe in another fifty or sixty years! No, I had baccarat in “Casino Royale” and I’m having bridge here.
Publisher: Have it your way. Now, I liked this character Hugo Drax. Great villain.
Fleming: Yes, I was rather pleased with him.
Publisher: But I was a bit disappointed with your leading lady, Gala Brand. She just doesn’t match up with your earlier examples, Vesper Lynd and Solitaire.
Fleming: How so?
Publisher: Well… how can I put this…? James isn’t, er, successful with her.
Fleming: You mean he doesn’t go to bed with her?
Publisher: Er, yes, that’s what I mean.
Fleming: Well, I thought that was a touch towards realism when compared to the fantastic story. A man doesn’t go to bed with every woman he meets, you know.
Publisher: Yes, but this is James Bond!
Fleming: Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Goodhead there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Goodhead. First name Holly.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Goodhead! Holly Goodhead!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Goodhead!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you bullshit merchant, when I get holda you I'm gonna crush your balls!
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Bond: Good evening, sir.
M (snorts): Is it, 007? I'm not at all happy to be taking part in this affair.
Bond: I'm rather looking forward to it, sir.
M: Well it strikes me as utterly ridiculous. And dangerous. I'm surprised that Dulles of the CIA, General Grossin of the Deuxieme, General Semichastny of the KGB, with this man Tanaka behind the scenes, agreed to take part in this madness.
Bond: But sir, the reputation of the West is at stake.
M: Reputation?! (snorting more loudly). To find out if Russian and Japanese girls really are as exciting as all those Western girls? Utter tosh.
A Geisha wriggles past and pouts at Bond.
General Semichastny: Her mouth - too big!
Bond: No, it's the right size... for me that is.
M (snorting again): Ridiculous.
1955. (Moe's Tavern, Springfield.)
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: I'm not sure of his name, but I'm looking for an acquaintance of Mr Krebs.
Moe: Who?
Voice: Krebs - it's someone with him I'm after.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, is anyone with Krebs here?
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: Anyone, anyone with Krebs?
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you little punk ass, when I get holda you I'm gonna drop those crabs down your jockey shorts!
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
"Once when I was with M in Tokyo...."
1971. (Royal Premiere of “Diamonds Are Forever”.)
Cubby: Right, here they come now. Everyone ready?
(General murmurs of assent.)
Cubby: You know what to do, Harry?
Harry: Ok, yes, I’ll behave.
(The Queen and the Duke step out of their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Broccoli and Mr Saltzman.
Cubby/Harry: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I must say I am looking forward to seeing your film.
Harry: That’s very kind of you to say so, ma’am.
Cubby: May I present our star, Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: Very pleashant to shee you too, ma’am.
The Duke: I thought you were done being James Bond.
Sean: Ah yesh, but I was offered a deal I could not refushe. Ishn’t that sho, Cubby and Harry?
Harry: A deal? You call that a deal? I’d like to-
Cubby: Harry! Yes, ma’am, we did come to an arrangement. (Glowers at Sean and Harry.) Now, may I present our leading lady, Miss Jill St John?
The Queen: Of course. What beautiful red hair you have!
Jill: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: As long as the collars and cuffs match, eh?
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: And next, Miss Lana Wood.
The Duke: Whoa, that’s a huge pair of-
The Queen: PHILIP!
Lana: A pleasure to meet you, ma’am.
(Jill “accidentally” steps on Lana’s foot. Lana “accidentally” elbows Jill in the ribs.)
Cubby: And I believe you already know Miss Shirley Bassey?
The Queen: But yes, we have had the pleasure of hearing Miss Bassey sing many times.
Shirley: Very kind of you, ma’am.
(Jill tugs harshly on Lana’s hair. Lana slaps Jill hard.)
The Queen: And what is the song in this film about, Miss Bassey?
Shirley: Er, diamonds ma’am.
(Further down the line, John Barry and Don Black snigger to each other.)
Cubby: This way, ma’am.
(Lana pulls a set of knuckledusters from her handbag. Jill draws a baseball bat.)
The Queen: And who do we have here?
(Next are Jacqueline Saltzman with her children and Dana Broccoli with her children, including 29-year old MGW and 11-year old BB.)
Harry: Our families, ma’am.
The Queen: Hello again, Miss Broccoli. How you’ve grown!
BB: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: I haven’t forgotten what you said, and I look forward to seeing the films you make in the future.
Cubby: That’s exactly what we have planned, ma’am.
(From further up the line, the sound of submachine guns is heard.)
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Maybe not, but it jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: .44 Magnum. Most powerful handgun in the world. With a delivery like... well, it'll blow your head clean off. The San Franciscan PD swear by them.
Bond: And where exactly am I supposed to holster that?
Cool Hand Bond - Please do some more Fawlty Towers and Gary Sparrow ones.
Richard Maibaum: So this, Puss-feller, how did he get his name in the book?
Johanna Harwood: He wrestled and beat an octopus.
Richard: Puss-feller he wrestles octopus - is that right? Doesn’t flow well.
Berkeley Mather: I think it’s octopi.
Johanna: He wrestles octopi, doesn’t sound right.
Richard: Is it octopuses? He wrestles octopuses. No, doesn’t sound right.
Johanna: I think it might be octopodes. He wrestles octopodes.
Richard: Doesn’t sound right. Let’s phone, Ian.
(Dials number)
Richard: Ah, Ian, it’s Dickie....tell me is it octopus, octopuses, octopi or octopodes to explain Puss-feller’s name?
Ian: Octopuses is correct, dear boy.
Richard: Are you sure it’s not octopussy? (Laughs)
Ian: Hmmmmmm (Replaces phone)
Richard: He says octopuses. Doesn’t flow well.
Johanna: Let’s just say he wrestles alligators, who’s going to care?
(Everybody nods in agreement)
Yeah, that line always bothered me, too!
C&D- that made my day....
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Maybe not, but it jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: A .45 long slide with laser sighting. These are new. We just got them in. That's a good gun. The beam comes on - you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss.
M: Any more comments, 007?
Bond: How about a 12 gauge auto-loader, Uzi 9 millimetre, and Plasma rifle in ze 40-watt range?
Armourer: Hey, just what you see, pal.
Bond turns to leave with the Beretta tucked under the 45 box.
M: Just where do you think you're going with that, 007?
Bond: Crab Key, sir. But I'll be back...