in flemings Live and Let Die, we learn Felix is a jazz fan. I bet he's pretty excited about travelling to Amsterdam for a taste of them "jazz cigarettes"
1977. The household of Ed Bishop. Ed is pacing up and down, while never getting too far away from the telephone. Mrs Bishop looks on concernedly. CoolHandBond, having suggested this one, sits in the corner to see what Barbel makes of it.
Mrs Bishop: Oh Ed, sit down, why don’t you?
Ed: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Bishop: Look, just relax and-
Ed: How can I relax at a time like this!!??
Mrs Bishop: A time like this? Nothing is happening!
Ed: That’s just it- nothing is happening!
Mrs Bishop: Ed, please let me make you a nice cup of coffee and-
Ed: Coffee? I don’t want any coffee! I want that phone to ring!
Mrs Bishop: Why on Earth would that phone ring right now?
Ed: Look, you remember that I was in a James Bond film, called “You Only Live Twice”, don’t you?
Mrs Bishop: Of course.
Ed: And so was Shane Rimmer.
Mrs Bishop: Shane, yes, he was in it too.
Ed: And a few years later you will remember that I was also in a James Bond film called “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Mrs Bishop: That’s right, you were Klaus Herrgeshneider.
Ed: Hergersheimer.
Mrs Bishop: Er… yes.
Ed: From G Section, checking on radiation shields.
Mrs Bishop: I remember that.
Ed: And Shane was in that, as well.
Mrs Bishop: Oh yes, so he was.
Ed: Now, you know they’re making a new James Bond movie at the moment, of course.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, “The Spy Who Shagged Me”.
Ed: No, no, that’s a terrible title- nobody would ever make a film called that! It’s called “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, and?
Ed: And Shane Rimmer is in it!!!!
Mrs Bishop: Ah….
Ed: Not only that, but he’s got a major part as the captain of a submarine.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, but-
Ed: And they haven’t called me!
Mrs Bishop: Yet.
Ed: Eh?
Mrs Bishop: They haven’t called you yet.
Ed: Ah, right.
Mrs Bishop: There’s still time, my darling.
Ed: Still time….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
Thank you, gentlemen. This next one has additional dialogue (as they say in the movies) by CoolHandBond and Number24.
1973. “Our World” magazine.
This week we have an interview with none other than Dr Kananga, Prime Minister of the Caribbean island nation San Monique.
Our World: Firstly, we’d like to say thanks to you, Dr Kananga, for taking time out of what must be a very busy schedule for you.
Dr Kananga: Not at all.
Our World: A beautiful island, San Monique.
Dr Kananga: Yes, thank you, and not like Jamaica at all.
Our World: In no way whatsoever. I imagine your right hook, er, right hand man Mr Hee is looking after things while you are here.
Dr Kananga: Indeed, and if I can correct you “Hee” is only his middle name. His actual surname is Johnson.
Our World: Tee Hee Johnson?
Dr Kananga: That’s right.
Our World: I see. I notice that you’ve picked someone from off the island to be your secretary. Why didn’t you pick a secretary from closer to home?
Dr Kananga: She gave the best interview. It was almost as if she knew what I was going to ask before I asked it!
Our World: She sounds like a good choice.
Dr Kananga: Oh, I have big plans for her.
Our World: Your island depends on tourism to a large degree, yet some of the most attractive parts are covered in camouflage netting.
Dr Kananga: It’s only sun protection.
Our World: But netting doesn’t-
Dr Kananga: I said, it’s only sun protection.
Our World: Er, right. It would seem, Dr Kananga, that an unexpectedly high number of law enforcement agents and politicians come to premature ends while involved with San Monique.
Dr Kananga: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
Our World: Was it wise to invest in a fleet of double-decker busses for an island with so many low underpasses?
Dr Kananga: Yes, well, just you leave our transport situation to me.
Our World: Some have said that there is a voodoo cult on the island.
Dr Kananga: We prefer to call it a non-traditional traditional religion. Now, if that is all…?
Our World: Just one more question, please, before we wrap up. What’s the morale like among the islanders? Are they happy?
Dr Kananga: They can’t complain…
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
Nicely done, gentlemen…a possible one in a series of villain media interviews 👀🤣
Pick a year. A successful applicant to the British Secret Service has been met by the Chief Of Staff and is being shown around.
New Guy: I must say it’s very nice of you to show me around, Chief Of Staff.
Bill: Call me Bill. Well, I happened to have some free time so I thought I might as well meet and greet you. Now, let’s start here.
(He opens a door and shows the New Guy in.)
New Guy: Ah, clothing department.
Bill: That’s right. Now here, this outfit looks about your size.
New Guy: A tee shirt and jeans?
Bill: Yes, what’s the problem?
New Guy: I had been expecting something a bit more, well, stylish.
Bill: Such as?
New Guy: (Timidly.) A tuxedo, perhaps? A white shirt and a black bow tie?
Bill: Tuxedo, eh? Do you have any idea how much those cost?
New Guy: Well, I….
Bill: It would be well outside our budget to kit out every new entrant with that level of clothing, don’t you think?
New Guy: I suppose so.
Bill: Right, get into that changing room and put those on. Then join me outside.
New Guy: Yes, Bill.
(Bill waits outside until he is joined by the New Guy, now wearing the clothes Bill had picked out.)
Bill: Very good. Now, this way please.
(They walk down the corridor, then Bill opens another door and shows the New Guy in. A clerk sits behind a desk.)
New Guy: And what’s this?
Bill: Wages Department. Just give the clerk your details and you’ll get your first pay, in advance. I’ll be outside.
(After a few moments, the New Guy joins Bill in the corridor and they begin to walk.)
Bill: All set, then? Now, next-
New Guy: Er, Bill?
Bill: Yes, what is it?
New Guy: Is that all I’m getting?
(He shows Bill his wageslip.)
Bill: Yes, that’ll be about correct for a new entrant.
New Guy: But how can I be expected to fly first class to Monte Carlo or Las Vegas, and gamble with world-dominating villains for incredibly high stakes while seducing their mistresses from under their noses? Or-
Bill: Hey, slow down one minute there. Who on Earth told you you’d be doing that sort of thing?
New Guy: Er…
Bill: Did it come up at your interview?
New Guy: Of course not, but I thought they were just being…
Bill: Yes, continue. They were just being…?
New Guy: (Head down.) Discreet.
Bill: You thought they were just being discreet.
New Guy: (Quietly.) Yes.
Bill: And now? Do you still think they were just being discreet?
New Guy: No. I’m sorry.
Bill: Let’s say no more about it and carry on. Anyway, this next item may lift your spirits somewhat. This is where you get your weapon.
(Bill again opens a door and shows the New Guy inside. The clerk there hands over a very small pistol.)
New Guy: And what’s this?
Bill: That is the weapon you are being assigned.
New Guy: It’s very small…
Bill: Easier to hide, wouldn’t you say? This is a Beretta Tomcat.
New Guy: A Beretta??? That’s a lady’s gun!
Bill: Now, hang on. It’s very light and-
New Guy: Nice and light in a lady’s handbag!
Bill: What were you expecting?
New Guy: I was expecting a handgun that would enable me to see off endless amounts of henchmen while successfully saving the world inside some outlandishly huge structure, preferably with a monorail!
Bill: Such as?
New Guy: Well, to be honest, a Walther PPK.
New Guy: It's got a delivery like-
Bill: -a brick through a plate glass window, yes I know. (Sighs.) A Walther PPK. All you new guys always want a Walther PPK. You have to work your way up to getting one of those, you know.
New Guy: Oh, right. I see.
Bill: Come this way, let’s show you your office.
(They continue to walk down the corridor. Bill subtly pushes an open door closed as they pass. The New Guy just manages to catch an almost subliminal glimpse of someone in a labcoat demonstrating a grenade launcher that collapses to a convenient pocket size to a man in an elegant tuxedo, with white shirt and black bow tie. This man is about six foot tall, with dark hair carelessly brushed so that a comma falls down over the right eyebrow. He appears to have a scar on his right cheek. Behind them stands a very beautiful 1964 silver/grey Aston Mar… but the door firmly closes with a solid sounding “click” making it obvious to the New Guy that it won’t be easily reopened. One letter is displayed on the outside of the door. The New Guy blinks when he sees it .)
New Guy: Bill!
Bill: (Beginning to tire of this.) Yes, what is it?
New Guy: That door there!
Bill: What door where?
New Guy: That one! It was open, just for a second!
Bill: No, it wasn’t.
New Guy: Yes it was! I saw-
Bill: The door was not open and you did not see anything.
New Guy: I did! I saw-
Bill: I’m sorry, but your employment here is terminated with immediate effect.
New Guy: What????
Bill: Let’s turn back. You can hand in the gun and clothes as we pass. I’ll complete the necessary paperwork to sign you off the books, and you can keep that pay you received for your time and trouble.
New Guy: But…. Bill, I understand.
Bill: You understand what?
New Guy: There was no door. I didn’t see anything.
Bill: You are sure?
New Guy: Yes, I’m sorry I made a mistake.
Bill: Good, you’re learning. Remember, we’re the British Secret Service. Now, let’s carry on…
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
More from yesterday's, pretty much exclusively dedicated to @caractacus potts
Bill: Now, I’ll have to introduce you to the Provisional people. In here, please.
(He leads the New Guy into a crowded office, overseen by a dragon in human form talking with a chinless wonder.)
Chico: I say, hello.
Alice: Oh, and ‘oo is this, then?
Bill: Our latest addition. This is Alice.
(Alice carefully looks the New Guy up and down, distinctly unimpressed by what she is seeing.)
Chico: And I’m Chilcott-
Alice: Well, if yer says so, Colonel.
New Guy: Good morning, Alice. My name-
Alice: Yer can ‘ave Number 117.
(She ‘ands him- er, hands him a key.)
New Guy: (Disappointed.) 117. Okay.
Bill: (Stifling a smile.) Come with me, I’ll show you where it is.
Chico: Catch you later, what?
Bill: (Out in the corridor again.) It’s the number, isn’t it?
New Guy: Well, I was hoping I might-
Bill: Yes, all our agents say that *. It takes time, young man, it takes time and talent, to earn the number you’re after.
New Guy: And this Alice? I had been hoping for someone a shade more desirable, but for eyes that are cool and direct and quizzical.
Bill: It’s still your first day, you know. That particular lady sits guard on our Chief’s chamber- and you won’t be seeing him for quite some time unless you do something very, very wrong.
(They are stopped in the corridor by a blond man with horn-rimmed glasses.)
Man: ‘Ere, Bill, I’ve been looking for you.
Bill: Didn’t know you were back from Berlin, er, Edmund.
Man: (Laughs.) It’s Patrick this time, Bill.
Bill: It’s always hard to keep track with you, Harry.
Man: My name isn’t Harry, but in this business it’s hard to remember whether it ever has been. Anyway, this a New Guy, is it?
New Guy: Hello.
Bill: That it is. Just showing him round.
My Name Isn’t Harry: Well, pop in and ‘ang about with me when you’ve done that, all right?
(Bill continues to lead the New Guy down the corridor.)
New Guy: Where are we off to now, Bill?
Bill: Just one more place this morning. You seem to know a bit about us, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when I take you to our resident Mad Inventor.
2024. London. The same animal handler business we have visited several times before. One white cat lies fast asleep before being woken by her friend.
Tiddles: Fluffy! Hey, Fluffy, wake up!
Fluffy: Wha…? Tiddles, what are you doing? How dare you wake me during my early morning nap before my mid morning nap!
Tiddles: Never mind that. Two humans have just come in, and are talking with the owner of this place.
Fluffy: Yes, so?
Tiddles: Those two been here before.
Fluffy: How do you know that?
Tiddles: My mother told me she met them, a long time ago. They hired her to do some work for them.
Fluffy: What kind of work? Advertising cat food?
Tiddles: No, it was for something called a “movie”. She had to hang around with some man while he was talking to another who was tied to a chair.
Fluffy: Very strange.
Tiddles: Yes, but my mother- also called Tiddles, as you know- said she was very well-treated and thought she might be back to work with them again.
Fluffy: Why did she think that?
Tiddles: Well, my great great great great grandmother, also called Tiddles of course, worked with the father of these humans many years ago. She said that she got fed a Siamese Fighting Fish!
Fluffy: Wow, do those really exist? I thought they were just a story.
Tiddles: No, they’re real. They’re very brave, but on the whole stupid. Then later, my great great grandmother, also called Tiddles, was-
Fluffy: Look, why don’t you just say “Tiddles the First”, “Tiddles the Second”, and so on? It would be much simpler.
Tiddles: Do you expect me to count?
Fluffy: I expect you to try.
Tiddles: I can’t count, I’m a cat. Anyway, a previous Tiddles (there, is that better?) was getting strangled by this little bald guy with a scar when explosions started and she got frightened and ran off.
She managed to hide for two weeks before they found her.
Fluffy: Where was she?
Tiddles: Inside a volcano.
Fluffy: Inside a… you’re having me on.
Tiddles: No, seriously. Anyway, my point is that I know these humans. They’ve been here before, and my family told me that their father came here before them. Often, more often than these two. Sometimes they hire us, sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes it’s not. One of my ancestors got dropped down a chimney!
Fluffy: No!
Tiddles: Well, so I’ve been told. But there’s one thing above all about these particular humans that you have to remember.
Fluffy: And what’s that?
Tiddles: They take many, many years to make one of these “movie” things so if they pick you for a part- you know, like being stroked by the guy with a scar through his eye- you should grab it with all four paws. After all you never know how long it might be till they come back!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
“Do you expect me to count?”
“I expect you to try.”
Love it 🤣👏🏻
I wonder what future incarnation of this Tiddles will be needed for the next Bond film? 🫣
Thank you, Sir M, and who knows? Certainly not me!
The following is a prelude to tomorrow's Imaginary Conversation, and it's true.
Yesterday. House Of Barbel. Bride Of Barbel returns home from her latest trip, this time to the North Pole (No, not kidding. Well, very near it, anyway.)
Barbel: Hi honey, welcome home!
Bride: Hello darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Barbel: How was Svalbard?
Bride: I enjoyed it, and I’m told I might be going back there soon.
Barbel: Oooh, cool.
Bride: Not as cool as I expected, it was somewhere between 3 and 6 degrees. Anyway, what have you been up to?
Barbel: Would you like to see the latest Imaginary Conversation?
Bride: Of course!
(He shows her the one with the cats, above.)
Bride: You did Tiddles again?
Barbel: Tiddles and Fluffy, I like those two.
Bride: Obviously, this must be the seventh time.
Barbel: Oh no no no, it’s only… (Counts on his fingers, taking several times to get it right.) … well, maybe it is.
Bride: Look, the animal handling shop was a good idea…
Barbel: Yes, I know.
Bride: … a good idea of mine. But why does it always have to be the cats? Can’t it be about some other animals that have been in the James Bond films?
Barbel: You know what? That’s an excellent idea. Now just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea….
Just around the corner from the white cats, two spiders have been listening. Big, hairy spiders.
1st Spider: Did you hear that?
2nd Spider: I certainly did. Some humans have come here and we might just get a chance to escape.
1st Spider: Yes, just like our great great great grandmother.
2nd Spider: May her memory be praised!
1st Spider: The father of those humans took her far, far away from here all the way to Jamaica.
2nd Spider: Where’s that?
1st Spider: I don’t know, I’m a spider. But I do know that she never came back. She escaped from the humans.
2nd Spider: I’m having those nightmares, you know.
1st Spider: Oh no, still?
2nd Spider: Yes, still. I dream that I am in a bed. I am walking on a sheet of glass on top of a hairy human, and then suddenly I get thrown to the floor and bashed with a shoe, again and again.
1st Spider: But it’s only a nightmare. That couldn’t have happened to our great great great grandmother. It can’t be true!
2nd Spider: Of course not. It’s just like that story the scorpion told us.
1st Spider: About him being taken all the way to South Africa only to be dropped down the back of some human’s shirt?
2nd Spider: Yeah, that one. It’s probably only as true as the one that elephant was saying, about when he was just a calf being taken all the way to Thailand just to push some fat guy into a canal.
1st Spider: The stories some animals will tell!
Two anacondas overhear all this.
1st Anaconda: All this sounds a lot like those stories our father used to tell us.
2nd Anaconda: You mean about him being taken to Brazil?
1st Anaconda: And having to pretend to be a python.
2nd Anaconda: That was a crazy idea- pythons don’t live in Brazil, that’s where we anacondas come from.
1st Anaconda: Yes. Everybody knows the only pythons in Brazil are Michael Palin and Terry Gilliam.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
More excellence 👏🏻🤣
Perhaps Bride of Barbel could give Purvis & Wade a bit of a nudge? 👀🤣
For anyone keeping up with the latest Government scandal in the UK.
21st May 2024. Eon HQ, cleverly disguised as No10 Downing Street.
MGW: I’ve just seen our latest bank statement, Barbara.
BB: Oh yes?
MGW: It would seem that with you financing films that make no money such as “The Rhythm Section” and “Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool”, plus the fact that we haven’t made a James Bond film for many years, our account is starting to look a little empty.
BB: Empty?
MGW: Well, I wouldn’t say we’re overdrawn- let’s just say we’re a shade underdeposited.
BB: Do we have time to make another James Bond film before we’re in trouble?
MGW: Not now- we should have started a couple of years ago.
BB: So what can we do about it?
MGW: There’s one way, but it isn’t very ethical.
BB: Let’s just skirt that issue.
MGW: We could make a bet on who the next James Bond will be. A large bet. And since we’re the people who decide, we can’t lose.
BB: Ooh, we could clean up!
MGW: Yes, but there’s a slight problem. We might be recognised making the bet.
BB: That’s no problem- Purvis! Wade!
(Our honoured scribes enter.)
Wade: Yes, Barabara?
Purvis: How can we help?
MGW: There’s a small task we’d like you to do…
(Later that day, Purvis & Wade return.)
BB: Well? Did you do it?
Purvis: Er…
Wade: Well, no, we didn’t.
MGW: What? Why not?
Purvis: We went down to the bookmaker’s shop like you said, but…
BB: But what?
Wade: We couldn’t get in. There was a long queue of Conservative MPs in front of us.
BB: Oh, crap.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,923Chief of Staff
Finger on the pulse as usual 🤣
I’m surprised Purvis & Wade didn’t run off with the money…it would probably be the most money they’ve had from Babs & Mikey 😳🤣
Comments
excellent Tarantino BondScript boss
in flemings Live and Let Die, we learn Felix is a jazz fan. I bet he's pretty excited about travelling to Amsterdam for a taste of them "jazz cigarettes"
Thanks, @caractacus potts, and more from LALD very soon. First, though, we've started a new page and that means....
1977. The household of Ed Bishop. Ed is pacing up and down, while never getting too far away from the telephone. Mrs Bishop looks on concernedly. CoolHandBond, having suggested this one, sits in the corner to see what Barbel makes of it.
Mrs Bishop: Oh Ed, sit down, why don’t you?
Ed: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Bishop: Look, just relax and-
Ed: How can I relax at a time like this!!??
Mrs Bishop: A time like this? Nothing is happening!
Ed: That’s just it- nothing is happening!
Mrs Bishop: Ed, please let me make you a nice cup of coffee and-
Ed: Coffee? I don’t want any coffee! I want that phone to ring!
Mrs Bishop: Why on Earth would that phone ring right now?
Ed: Look, you remember that I was in a James Bond film, called “You Only Live Twice”, don’t you?
Mrs Bishop: Of course.
Ed: And so was Shane Rimmer.
Mrs Bishop: Shane, yes, he was in it too.
Ed: And a few years later you will remember that I was also in a James Bond film called “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Mrs Bishop: That’s right, you were Klaus Herrgeshneider.
Ed: Hergersheimer.
Mrs Bishop: Er… yes.
Ed: From G Section, checking on radiation shields.
Mrs Bishop: I remember that.
Ed: And Shane was in that, as well.
Mrs Bishop: Oh yes, so he was.
Ed: Now, you know they’re making a new James Bond movie at the moment, of course.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, “The Spy Who Shagged Me”.
Ed: No, no, that’s a terrible title- nobody would ever make a film called that! It’s called “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, and?
Ed: And Shane Rimmer is in it!!!!
Mrs Bishop: Ah….
Ed: Not only that, but he’s got a major part as the captain of a submarine.
Mrs Bishop: Yes, but-
Ed: And they haven’t called me!
Mrs Bishop: Yet.
Ed: Eh?
Mrs Bishop: They haven’t called you yet.
Ed: Ah, right.
Mrs Bishop: There’s still time, my darling.
Ed: Still time….
Eon must be saving a fortune in non-phone calls 🤣
Turned out nice again, Barbel 😂(In my best George Formby impression)
Thank you, gentlemen. This next one has additional dialogue (as they say in the movies) by CoolHandBond and Number24.
1973. “Our World” magazine.
This week we have an interview with none other than Dr Kananga, Prime Minister of the Caribbean island nation San Monique.
Our World: Firstly, we’d like to say thanks to you, Dr Kananga, for taking time out of what must be a very busy schedule for you.
Dr Kananga: Not at all.
Our World: A beautiful island, San Monique.
Dr Kananga: Yes, thank you, and not like Jamaica at all.
Our World: In no way whatsoever. I imagine your right hook, er, right hand man Mr Hee is looking after things while you are here.
Dr Kananga: Indeed, and if I can correct you “Hee” is only his middle name. His actual surname is Johnson.
Our World: Tee Hee Johnson?
Dr Kananga: That’s right.
Our World: I see. I notice that you’ve picked someone from off the island to be your secretary. Why didn’t you pick a secretary from closer to home?
Dr Kananga: She gave the best interview. It was almost as if she knew what I was going to ask before I asked it!
Our World: She sounds like a good choice.
Dr Kananga: Oh, I have big plans for her.
Our World: Your island depends on tourism to a large degree, yet some of the most attractive parts are covered in camouflage netting.
Dr Kananga: It’s only sun protection.
Our World: But netting doesn’t-
Dr Kananga: I said, it’s only sun protection.
Our World: Er, right. It would seem, Dr Kananga, that an unexpectedly high number of law enforcement agents and politicians come to premature ends while involved with San Monique.
Dr Kananga: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
Our World: Was it wise to invest in a fleet of double-decker busses for an island with so many low underpasses?
Dr Kananga: Yes, well, just you leave our transport situation to me.
Our World: Some have said that there is a voodoo cult on the island.
Dr Kananga: We prefer to call it a non-traditional traditional religion. Now, if that is all…?
Our World: Just one more question, please, before we wrap up. What’s the morale like among the islanders? Are they happy?
Dr Kananga: They can’t complain…
Nicely done, gentlemen…a possible one in a series of villain media interviews 👀🤣
Ah, very possible. 😁
Pick a year. A successful applicant to the British Secret Service has been met by the Chief Of Staff and is being shown around.
New Guy: I must say it’s very nice of you to show me around, Chief Of Staff.
Bill: Call me Bill. Well, I happened to have some free time so I thought I might as well meet and greet you. Now, let’s start here.
(He opens a door and shows the New Guy in.)
New Guy: Ah, clothing department.
Bill: That’s right. Now here, this outfit looks about your size.
New Guy: A tee shirt and jeans?
Bill: Yes, what’s the problem?
New Guy: I had been expecting something a bit more, well, stylish.
Bill: Such as?
New Guy: (Timidly.) A tuxedo, perhaps? A white shirt and a black bow tie?
Bill: Tuxedo, eh? Do you have any idea how much those cost?
New Guy: Well, I….
Bill: It would be well outside our budget to kit out every new entrant with that level of clothing, don’t you think?
New Guy: I suppose so.
Bill: Right, get into that changing room and put those on. Then join me outside.
New Guy: Yes, Bill.
(Bill waits outside until he is joined by the New Guy, now wearing the clothes Bill had picked out.)
Bill: Very good. Now, this way please.
(They walk down the corridor, then Bill opens another door and shows the New Guy in. A clerk sits behind a desk.)
New Guy: And what’s this?
Bill: Wages Department. Just give the clerk your details and you’ll get your first pay, in advance. I’ll be outside.
(After a few moments, the New Guy joins Bill in the corridor and they begin to walk.)
Bill: All set, then? Now, next-
New Guy: Er, Bill?
Bill: Yes, what is it?
New Guy: Is that all I’m getting?
(He shows Bill his wageslip.)
Bill: Yes, that’ll be about correct for a new entrant.
New Guy: But how can I be expected to fly first class to Monte Carlo or Las Vegas, and gamble with world-dominating villains for incredibly high stakes while seducing their mistresses from under their noses? Or-
Bill: Hey, slow down one minute there. Who on Earth told you you’d be doing that sort of thing?
New Guy: Er…
Bill: Did it come up at your interview?
New Guy: Of course not, but I thought they were just being…
Bill: Yes, continue. They were just being…?
New Guy: (Head down.) Discreet.
Bill: You thought they were just being discreet.
New Guy: (Quietly.) Yes.
Bill: And now? Do you still think they were just being discreet?
New Guy: No. I’m sorry.
Bill: Let’s say no more about it and carry on. Anyway, this next item may lift your spirits somewhat. This is where you get your weapon.
(Bill again opens a door and shows the New Guy inside. The clerk there hands over a very small pistol.)
New Guy: And what’s this?
Bill: That is the weapon you are being assigned.
New Guy: It’s very small…
Bill: Easier to hide, wouldn’t you say? This is a Beretta Tomcat.
New Guy: A Beretta??? That’s a lady’s gun!
Bill: Now, hang on. It’s very light and-
New Guy: Nice and light in a lady’s handbag!
Bill: What were you expecting?
New Guy: I was expecting a handgun that would enable me to see off endless amounts of henchmen while successfully saving the world inside some outlandishly huge structure, preferably with a monorail!
Bill: Such as?
New Guy: Well, to be honest, a Walther PPK.
New Guy: It's got a delivery like-
Bill: -a brick through a plate glass window, yes I know. (Sighs.) A Walther PPK. All you new guys always want a Walther PPK. You have to work your way up to getting one of those, you know.
New Guy: Oh, right. I see.
Bill: Come this way, let’s show you your office.
(They continue to walk down the corridor. Bill subtly pushes an open door closed as they pass. The New Guy just manages to catch an almost subliminal glimpse of someone in a labcoat demonstrating a grenade launcher that collapses to a convenient pocket size to a man in an elegant tuxedo, with white shirt and black bow tie. This man is about six foot tall, with dark hair carelessly brushed so that a comma falls down over the right eyebrow. He appears to have a scar on his right cheek. Behind them stands a very beautiful 1964 silver/grey Aston Mar… but the door firmly closes with a solid sounding “click” making it obvious to the New Guy that it won’t be easily reopened. One letter is displayed on the outside of the door. The New Guy blinks when he sees it .)
New Guy: Bill!
Bill: (Beginning to tire of this.) Yes, what is it?
New Guy: That door there!
Bill: What door where?
New Guy: That one! It was open, just for a second!
Bill: No, it wasn’t.
New Guy: Yes it was! I saw-
Bill: The door was not open and you did not see anything.
New Guy: I did! I saw-
Bill: I’m sorry, but your employment here is terminated with immediate effect.
New Guy: What????
Bill: Let’s turn back. You can hand in the gun and clothes as we pass. I’ll complete the necessary paperwork to sign you off the books, and you can keep that pay you received for your time and trouble.
New Guy: But…. Bill, I understand.
Bill: You understand what?
New Guy: There was no door. I didn’t see anything.
Bill: You are sure?
New Guy: Yes, I’m sorry I made a mistake.
Bill: Good, you’re learning. Remember, we’re the British Secret Service. Now, let’s carry on…
Yes, all our agents say that, sir. 🤭🤣
Another great addition 👏🏻
I see what you did there....
I knew you’d get it 😁👏🏻👏🏻
More from yesterday's, pretty much exclusively dedicated to @caractacus potts
Bill: Now, I’ll have to introduce you to the Provisional people. In here, please.
(He leads the New Guy into a crowded office, overseen by a dragon in human form talking with a chinless wonder.)
Chico: I say, hello.
Alice: Oh, and ‘oo is this, then?
Bill: Our latest addition. This is Alice.
(Alice carefully looks the New Guy up and down, distinctly unimpressed by what she is seeing.)
Chico: And I’m Chilcott-
Alice: Well, if yer says so, Colonel.
New Guy: Good morning, Alice. My name-
Alice: Yer can ‘ave Number 117.
(She ‘ands him- er, hands him a key.)
New Guy: (Disappointed.) 117. Okay.
Bill: (Stifling a smile.) Come with me, I’ll show you where it is.
Chico: Catch you later, what?
Bill: (Out in the corridor again.) It’s the number, isn’t it?
New Guy: Well, I was hoping I might-
Bill: Yes, all our agents say that *. It takes time, young man, it takes time and talent, to earn the number you’re after.
New Guy: And this Alice? I had been hoping for someone a shade more desirable, but for eyes that are cool and direct and quizzical.
Bill: It’s still your first day, you know. That particular lady sits guard on our Chief’s chamber- and you won’t be seeing him for quite some time unless you do something very, very wrong.
(They are stopped in the corridor by a blond man with horn-rimmed glasses.)
Man: ‘Ere, Bill, I’ve been looking for you.
Bill: Didn’t know you were back from Berlin, er, Edmund.
Man: (Laughs.) It’s Patrick this time, Bill.
Bill: It’s always hard to keep track with you, Harry.
Man: My name isn’t Harry, but in this business it’s hard to remember whether it ever has been. Anyway, this a New Guy, is it?
New Guy: Hello.
Bill: That it is. Just showing him round.
My Name Isn’t Harry: Well, pop in and ‘ang about with me when you’ve done that, all right?
(Bill continues to lead the New Guy down the corridor.)
New Guy: Where are we off to now, Bill?
Bill: Just one more place this morning. You seem to know a bit about us, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when I take you to our resident Mad Inventor.
New Guy: What has he invented, a car that flies?
Bill: Funny you should say that…
*Sir Miles, thank you.
you know I like a good mashup boss. Youre reminding me of all the work we put into The Ipcress Folio a year or two back
Ah, that was fun. Glad you liked this!
Excellent fun 🤣
And there is no need to thank me 😊
Of course.
2024. London. The same animal handler business we have visited several times before. One white cat lies fast asleep before being woken by her friend.
Tiddles: Fluffy! Hey, Fluffy, wake up!
Fluffy: Wha…? Tiddles, what are you doing? How dare you wake me during my early morning nap before my mid morning nap!
Tiddles: Never mind that. Two humans have just come in, and are talking with the owner of this place.
Fluffy: Yes, so?
Tiddles: Those two been here before.
Fluffy: How do you know that?
Tiddles: My mother told me she met them, a long time ago. They hired her to do some work for them.
Fluffy: What kind of work? Advertising cat food?
Tiddles: No, it was for something called a “movie”. She had to hang around with some man while he was talking to another who was tied to a chair.
Fluffy: Very strange.
Tiddles: Yes, but my mother- also called Tiddles, as you know- said she was very well-treated and thought she might be back to work with them again.
Fluffy: Why did she think that?
Tiddles: Well, my great great great great grandmother, also called Tiddles of course, worked with the father of these humans many years ago. She said that she got fed a Siamese Fighting Fish!
Fluffy: Wow, do those really exist? I thought they were just a story.
Tiddles: No, they’re real. They’re very brave, but on the whole stupid. Then later, my great great grandmother, also called Tiddles, was-
Fluffy: Look, why don’t you just say “Tiddles the First”, “Tiddles the Second”, and so on? It would be much simpler.
Tiddles: Do you expect me to count?
Fluffy: I expect you to try.
Tiddles: I can’t count, I’m a cat. Anyway, a previous Tiddles (there, is that better?) was getting strangled by this little bald guy with a scar when explosions started and she got frightened and ran off.
She managed to hide for two weeks before they found her.
Fluffy: Where was she?
Tiddles: Inside a volcano.
Fluffy: Inside a… you’re having me on.
Tiddles: No, seriously. Anyway, my point is that I know these humans. They’ve been here before, and my family told me that their father came here before them. Often, more often than these two. Sometimes they hire us, sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes it’s not. One of my ancestors got dropped down a chimney!
Fluffy: No!
Tiddles: Well, so I’ve been told. But there’s one thing above all about these particular humans that you have to remember.
Fluffy: And what’s that?
Tiddles: They take many, many years to make one of these “movie” things so if they pick you for a part- you know, like being stroked by the guy with a scar through his eye- you should grab it with all four paws. After all you never know how long it might be till they come back!
“Do you expect me to count?”
“I expect you to try.”
Love it 🤣👏🏻
I wonder what future incarnation of this Tiddles will be needed for the next Bond film? 🫣
Thank you, Sir M, and who knows? Certainly not me!
The following is a prelude to tomorrow's Imaginary Conversation, and it's true.
Yesterday. House Of Barbel. Bride Of Barbel returns home from her latest trip, this time to the North Pole (No, not kidding. Well, very near it, anyway.)
Barbel: Hi honey, welcome home!
Bride: Hello darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Barbel: How was Svalbard?
Bride: I enjoyed it, and I’m told I might be going back there soon.
Barbel: Oooh, cool.
Bride: Not as cool as I expected, it was somewhere between 3 and 6 degrees. Anyway, what have you been up to?
Barbel: Would you like to see the latest Imaginary Conversation?
Bride: Of course!
(He shows her the one with the cats, above.)
Bride: You did Tiddles again?
Barbel: Tiddles and Fluffy, I like those two.
Bride: Obviously, this must be the seventh time.
Barbel: Oh no no no, it’s only… (Counts on his fingers, taking several times to get it right.) … well, maybe it is.
Bride: Look, the animal handling shop was a good idea…
Barbel: Yes, I know.
Bride: … a good idea of mine. But why does it always have to be the cats? Can’t it be about some other animals that have been in the James Bond films?
Barbel: You know what? That’s an excellent idea. Now just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea….
House Of Barbel - is this the beginning of the AJB007 soap opera?
Or maybe Barbel Street or Barbelenders or Barbel Farm?
😁
It's continuing my references to old Universal horror movies-
I just love those Universal horror movies 😁
Can't be so Anglo centric. How about those of us on this side of the pond?
🤣🤣🤣 Not that I watch any of those (or the ones CHB suggested, either).
Just around the corner from the white cats, two spiders have been listening. Big, hairy spiders.
1st Spider: Did you hear that?
2nd Spider: I certainly did. Some humans have come here and we might just get a chance to escape.
1st Spider: Yes, just like our great great great grandmother.
2nd Spider: May her memory be praised!
1st Spider: The father of those humans took her far, far away from here all the way to Jamaica.
2nd Spider: Where’s that?
1st Spider: I don’t know, I’m a spider. But I do know that she never came back. She escaped from the humans.
2nd Spider: I’m having those nightmares, you know.
1st Spider: Oh no, still?
2nd Spider: Yes, still. I dream that I am in a bed. I am walking on a sheet of glass on top of a hairy human, and then suddenly I get thrown to the floor and bashed with a shoe, again and again.
1st Spider: But it’s only a nightmare. That couldn’t have happened to our great great great grandmother. It can’t be true!
2nd Spider: Of course not. It’s just like that story the scorpion told us.
1st Spider: About him being taken all the way to South Africa only to be dropped down the back of some human’s shirt?
2nd Spider: Yeah, that one. It’s probably only as true as the one that elephant was saying, about when he was just a calf being taken all the way to Thailand just to push some fat guy into a canal.
1st Spider: The stories some animals will tell!
Two anacondas overhear all this.
1st Anaconda: All this sounds a lot like those stories our father used to tell us.
2nd Anaconda: You mean about him being taken to Brazil?
1st Anaconda: And having to pretend to be a python.
2nd Anaconda: That was a crazy idea- pythons don’t live in Brazil, that’s where we anacondas come from.
1st Anaconda: Yes. Everybody knows the only pythons in Brazil are Michael Palin and Terry Gilliam.
More excellence 👏🏻🤣
Perhaps Bride of Barbel could give Purvis & Wade a bit of a nudge? 👀🤣
I don't think they are the two that need a nudge....
Probably not 🫣 but if they came up with something decent…👀
For anyone keeping up with the latest Government scandal in the UK.
21st May 2024. Eon HQ, cleverly disguised as No10 Downing Street.
MGW: I’ve just seen our latest bank statement, Barbara.
BB: Oh yes?
MGW: It would seem that with you financing films that make no money such as “The Rhythm Section” and “Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool”, plus the fact that we haven’t made a James Bond film for many years, our account is starting to look a little empty.
BB: Empty?
MGW: Well, I wouldn’t say we’re overdrawn- let’s just say we’re a shade underdeposited.
BB: Do we have time to make another James Bond film before we’re in trouble?
MGW: Not now- we should have started a couple of years ago.
BB: So what can we do about it?
MGW: There’s one way, but it isn’t very ethical.
BB: Let’s just skirt that issue.
MGW: We could make a bet on who the next James Bond will be. A large bet. And since we’re the people who decide, we can’t lose.
BB: Ooh, we could clean up!
MGW: Yes, but there’s a slight problem. We might be recognised making the bet.
BB: That’s no problem- Purvis! Wade!
(Our honoured scribes enter.)
Wade: Yes, Barabara?
Purvis: How can we help?
MGW: There’s a small task we’d like you to do…
(Later that day, Purvis & Wade return.)
BB: Well? Did you do it?
Purvis: Er…
Wade: Well, no, we didn’t.
MGW: What? Why not?
Purvis: We went down to the bookmaker’s shop like you said, but…
BB: But what?
Wade: We couldn’t get in. There was a long queue of Conservative MPs in front of us.
BB: Oh, crap.
Finger on the pulse as usual 🤣
I’m surprised Purvis & Wade didn’t run off with the money…it would probably be the most money they’ve had from Babs & Mikey 😳🤣