Yes, more can be arranged but meantime I'd like to refer you back to somewhere around page 50 when the film was released, cos there's a lot of NTTD stuff there and afterwards.
Marc showed me the rough cut for the pre-credits sequence, then showed me the final cut. I told him I couldn’t see any difference, and he smiled happily, saying “Excellent”. I swear if he had had a white cat there he would have stroked it.
Tuesday:
Michael said he’d finally come up with a title. It’s from Fleming, and it’s “Quantum Of Solace”. I said that I didn’t understand that, and he said that was the point- people would have to go and see the film to understand what the title meant. I told him that I HAD seen it, and I still didn’t understand.
Wednesday:
I particularly enjoyed the dialogue between Bond and Mathis when they first meet in this film. I turned to congratulate Purvis and Wade only to be reminded that they were on strike and hadn’t written it. Should have guessed.
Thursday:
Dame Judi came up to me and said that she had had enough. There was nothing new for her to work with, she didn’t have any memorable lines, and she wanted out. I persuaded her to hang on just one more film and we would give her a big send off. She reluctantly agreed.
Friday:
Went to a music studio to hear the song Jack White had come up with. I had to sit through 3 or 4 minutes of electronic noise with occasional words discernible in the background. I kept waiting for the actual song to start until I realised that this unbearable noise had finished and that Alicia Keys and Jack were looking at me hopefully. I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint them, so I put on a bright smile and said “It’s great!” As I left I could swear I heard David Arnold groaning from the corner.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,747Chief of Staff
This is another Imaginary Conversation that’s right up there with the best you’ve done…apart from the last bit, of course 😏🤣
2006. The Salmon household. Colin is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Salmon: Oh sit down, Colin, why don’t you?
Colin: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Salmon: Just relax for a moment.
Colin: Relax? I can’t relax.
Mrs Salmon: Look, just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Colin: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Salmon: What do you mean, “a time like this?” Nothing is happening!
Colin: That’s exactly it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Mrs Salmon: What? Why should the phone be ringing?
Colin: Haven’t you heard? They’re making a new James Bond film right now!
Mrs Salmon: Yes, of course- “Casino Royale”, isn’t it? I thought they’d done that one before, with David Niven and Peter Sellers.
Colin: This is a remake- a serious remake.
Mrs Salmon: Oh, that took a long time.
Colin: Yes, probably something to do with that Kevin McClory person.
Mrs Salmon: Anyway, do you think they will phone you?
Colin: They’ve got to phone me! Didn’t I play Charles Robinson in their last movie?
Mrs Salmon: Yes, of course you did.
Colin: And the one before that, too?
Mrs Salmon: (She’s heard all this before.) Yes, dear.
Colin: And the one before that as well?
Mrs Salmon: Of course you did, my love.
Colin: So they have to want me this time too!
Mrs Salmon: But darling, you know that you only got the part of Charles Robinson because Michael Kitchen wasn’t available to play Bill Tanner in “Tomorrow Never Dies”.
Colin: Well, yes, but then they kept me on with him in “The World Is Not Enough”.
Mrs Salmon: And then he couldn’t do “Die Another Day” so you did that yourself.
Colin: Lucky him. But you see, they need me back for this one!
Mrs Salmon: Listen, Colin, you do know that this film will be a reboot of the James Bond series?
Colin: Yes, and?
Mrs Salmon: I have heard that there will be no Q and no Miss Moneypenny.
Colin: You’re kidding me! Will there be no M as well?
Mrs Salmon: No, M will be there.
Colin: But of course if it’s a reboot they can’t have Judi Dench, there’ll have to be a different M.
Mrs Salmon: No, it’s Judi Dench all right.
Colin: That doesn’t make any sense.
Mrs Salmon: Apparently she’s playing a different M this time.
Colin: Oh, yes, that makes total sense. Instantly obvious to anyone watching the film.
Mrs Salmon: Yes, I know.
Colin: Whoever she’s meant to be. M will still need a right hand man and that has to be me!
Mrs Salmon: Well, actually….
Colin: Ah, right. It’ll be Bill Tanner and that’ll be Michael Kitchen. Suppose I can’t complain.
Mrs Salmon: It’s not him either. They’re giving her a new right hand man, called Villiers.
Colin: A third one? Tanner then Robinson then Villiers? Audiences will hate that.
Mrs Salmon: Honey, now just take a deep breath: I believe you’ll find that most audiences either don’t notice or don’t care who the staff at MI6 are- except for M, Q, and Moneypenny.
Colin: Hmph. I won’t rest until Charles Robinson is just as memorable as Bill Tanner!
Meanwhile, not too far away...
2006. The Robinson household. Charles is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife, whose first name is CooCooCaChoo, looks on concernedly.
Mrs Robinson: Oh sit down, Charles, why don’t you?
1989. Eon HQ, disguised as a temple near Isthmus City. Cubby Broccoli is on the telephone.
Cubby: …. Oh yeah? Well, Kevin, you can just take a flying –
(The door bursts open and Michael Wilson comes into the room.)
MGW: Cubby!
(Cubby slams the phone down. It’s been specially cushioned, so this clearly isn’t the first time this has happened.)
Cubby: What is it, Michael? Why aren’t you on the set with Lewis Gilbert? No, wait, don’t tell me- he wants Ken Adam to design a huge set with a monorail, where Bond can fight hordes of henchmen and-
MGW: No, no, it’s worse than that!
Cubby: Roger Moore turned up to demand his old job back? He’d seen “The Living Daylights” and thought it was the only humane thing to do?
MGW: No, not that.
Cubby: Of course not, he’d have sent a stuntman. Well, what is it?
MGW: John Glen turned up today.
Cubby: He did?
MGW: Yes, it’s the first day of shooting and he simply strolled onto the set and started telling everyone what to do.
Cubby: My God, what did Lewis have to say?
MGW: He didn’t have time to say anything- I sent him quickly off to look at those screentests we’d made with Pierce Brosnan.
Cubby: We’ve still got those, then.
MGW: Yes, I thought they might come in handy someday. Anyway, I ran straight here to see you.
Cubby: Didn’t you tell John that we didn’t want him back after “The Living Daylights”?
MGW: No, I thought you did that.
Cubby: But I thought you did.
(They look at each other, eyes wide.)
MGW: So…. You didn’t cancel his contract?
Cubby: I thought you cancelled… oh.
MGW: So what are we going to do?
Cubby: Nothing else for it- we’re going to have to let him direct “Licence To Kill”.
MGW: Suppose Timothy complains?
Cubby: Just let him know that you’ve still got the Brosnan screentests.
MGW: And what about Lewis?
Cubby: He’s a nice guy, there won’t be any trouble. Just ask him to come see me, would you?
MGW: Of course.
Cubby: And, er, remember to keep hold of those Brosnan tests. We might be needing them….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,747Chief of Staff
This is a dramatic drop in quality, Barbel. Quite unpresedented for you. TLD is a really good Bond movie, Even with a Norwegian band doing the title song! Have you been talking to Higgins again? I bet you've been in Germany on holliday and listened to his blasphemy about Dalton.
You're not seriously suggesting many of thes converstions aren't true? Most of them are obviously based on illegal surveilance and also great! That's why the rare occations when you let yourself be influenced by wristwatch-loving, green trainers-wearing Germans instead microphones of debious legality we get disapointed.
In OHMSS, Draco offers Bond £1m as dowry if he will marry his daughter, Tracy. Bond declines because (a) he’s a gentleman (b) he doesn’t need a million pounds (his stated reason) (c) his agent told him James Bond was finished and he would get better offers from other producers.
Well, @CoolHandBond wondered what would have happened if Bond had accepted that offer so here it is….
1969. Headquarters of Draco Enterprises, otherwise known as the Union Corse.
Draco: Listen to me. On the day you marry her, I’ll give you a personal dowry of one million pounds in gold.
Bond: That’s quite an inducement, but I don’t need a million pounds and I’ve a bachelor’s taste for freedom.
Draco: Stupido!
Bond: Better make that two.
Draco: What?
Bond: Make that two million and I’ll agree.
Draco: You have got yourself a deal …. son.
Two weeks later, in London. James and Tracy have happily married and been on a delightful honeymoon. He’s never heard of Piz Gloria, never went there, and never met Blofeld for the first (or second) time nor the other people on top of that mountain. He pulls the Aston Martin into a free space outside his place in Chelsea (how times have changed- you try doing that now.)
James: Well, here we are, Tracy. This is where I live. I hope you like it.
Tracy: I’m sure I will, my darling.
(Kiss, kiss.)
James: Right, enough of that- for the moment. I’ll get our bags.
(They go to the door and are greeted by May, Bond’s faithful old housekeeper of many years, with a very disapproving look on her face.)
May: Good day, Mr James. This’ll be another one o’yer floozies, I expect.
James: Very much not, May. This is Mrs Bond. Tracy, this is May, my housekeeper.
Tracy: Hello, May, James has told me so much about you.
May: (Taken completely aback.) Oh. Pleased to meet ye, ma’am.
James: Let’s get in. May, some tea and coffee please.
May: But of course.
(James takes Tracy in while May bustles off to the kitchen. He throws their baggage down.)
Tracy: Oh James, this is wonderful!
James: It’s not much, but I like it.
Tracy: And you’ve got all these peculiar ornaments all around the place. What’s this over here? It looks like a fake gold ingot! I imagine that would be worth quite a bit if it was real!
James: Er, yes, I suppose it would be. It’s just, er, a memento of… er, a place I went to once.
Tracy: And this typewriter here. Oh, wait, it’s not a typewriter, really, it just looks like one. And all the characters are in Russian.
James: That was from a job I was on. Anyway, Tracy, I -
Tracy: Oh, I know what this here is- that’s a Beretta! Quite an old one, too.
James: Yes, it is. Now –
Tracy: And this looks like an underwater watch.
(James is relieved to see May come through the door bearing a loaded tray.)
James: Ah, May! I’d love some coffee!
(The next morning Tracy wakes first. Smiling happily to herself, she goes to the bathroom first then heads to the kitchen to make some breakfast only to find that May is already there.)
Tracy: Oh, good morning, May!
May: Morning, ma’am.
Tracy: I just came in to make some breakfast.
May: I have breakfast for Mr James all ready.
(Tracy looks to see one very large, speckled brown egg sitting in a dark blue egg cup with a gold ring on the top. She of course does not know that it has been boiled for exactly three and a third minutes. Then there are two thick slices of wholewheat toast, a large pat of deep yellow Jersey butter and three squat glass jars containing Tiptree ‘Little Scarlet’ strawberry jam; Cooper’s Vintage Oxford marmalade and Norwegian heather honey from Fortnum’s. The coffee pot and the silver on the tray are Queen Anne, and the china is Minton, of the same dark blue and gold and white as the egg-cup.)*
Tracy: Oh, I see.
May: If ye would tell me what ye would like, I can prepare it for ye.
Tracy: Oh, er, just some coffee thanks.
(Tracy wanders through to the lounge to wait, feeling a little disconcerted. At this moment there is a rustle of paper, and some letters drop through the door.)
May: I’ll just get the post, ma’am.
Tracy: (Feeling it is time she did something for herself.) No, that’s all right, May, I’ll get it.
(Tracy picks up the letters and sits down. Nothing looks very interesting. She opens a letter addressed to James and casually begins to read it as he comes wandering through from the bedroom.)
James: Good morning, my love, how are you? May looking after you all right?
Tracy: May’s fine. I’ve just been reading this.
James: Oh?
Tracy: It’s from your bank. Apparently you received a large sum of money recently.
James: (Realizing what’s going on.) Now, Tracy, darling, I can-
Tracy: In fact, very recently. On our wedding day, to be exact.
James: Tracy-
Tracy: On our wedding day my father transferred two million pounds to you.
James: Yes, he did, but-
Tracy: ON OUR WEDDING DAY my father bribed you to marry me.
James: Well, I wouldn’t have put it like –
Tracy: How am I ever to know if you love me? How am I ever to know if you married me for ME, and not for my father’s two million pounds?
James: Listen –
Tracy: I’ve done enough listening. (She shouts into the kitchen.) May! Cancel that coffee!
May: (From kitchen.) As ye wish, ma’am.
Tracy: And I am out of here! You, James, shall be hearing from my lawyers- Gebrüder Gumbold, of Bern.
(Tracy stomps off, grabbing her bag, and exits leaving James standing forlornly, his mouth flapping as he attempts to say “But- but- but-“ while no sound comes out. He collapses down on the nearest seat, wondering what to do now. Solving that particular problem for him, the telephone picks this moment to ring. He grabs it.)
James: Hello?
Moneypenny: (On phone.) Hello, James, have I … (The smirk on her face can be heard down the phone line.) … interrupted something?
James: No, just about to have breakfast. What do you want, Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: Instructions from M. You’ve to go to the College of Arms, immediately.
James: What? The College of Arms?
Moneypenny: That’s right. You’re to ask for a Sir Hilary Bray….
*FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, Ian Fleming. From Chapter 11.
Oh, the concept is CHB's like I said above. I'm very happy to take ideas and see where they go. In this case, it reverts back to the original story. James will meet her after escaping Piz Gloria as Fleming tells us, she will tell him she had missed him and made her father tell her where he would be, and we carry on as normal. Until the end, that is....
That is simply brilliant, Barbel. I didn’t imagine it going that route but now I’ve read it I cannot imagine another scenario. The breakfast scene reminds me that I’ve ran out of Cooper’s Vintage Oxford marmalade!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Thanks, Sir M. I hinted above that there might be more then remembered I'd written that already -
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria. James Bond is being licked by a friendly St Bernard.
Bond: Never mind that, go and get the brandy! Five star Hennesey, of course.
(He disentangles himself from the attentions of the St Bernard, then walks back up the run to where Blofeld branched off and is still hanging from the tree, just in time to see Irma Bunt trudging towards him.)
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
(Bond draws his gun and carefully puts two bullets in each of their heads. Satisfied, he turns and walks off humming a few bars of "We Have All The Time In The World"….)
2006. A clinic somewhere. The last client of the day is leaving.
Nurse: Bye, Miss Lynd, many thanks for your custom.
Doctor: Is that the last for today?
Nurse: Let me just check … yes, no more today.
Doctor: Good, it’s been a tiring day.
(He takes off his white coat and throws it accurately onto a stand on the other side of the room.)
Nurse: You just love doing that, don’t you?
Doctor: I saw it in a film once … or maybe twice.
Nurse: How come we keep getting all these referrals?
Doctor: For contraception, you mean?
Nurse: Yes, it seems we have a steady stream of beautiful women from all over the world coming to your clinic for contraceptive advice.
Doctor: They’re all referred here, you know.
Nurse: Oh? By whom?
Doctor: Can’t remember her name- Miss Poundmoney or something like that.
Nurse: That’s an unusual name.
Doctor: Yes, a lot of our clients have unusual names too- whoever calls their daughter Plenty, or Pussy?
Nurse: Not to mention Jinx.
Doctor: It’s truly amazing how many clients we have served for … how many years is it now?
Nurse: Forty-four.
Doctor: Yes, incredible. And we’ve managed to successfully provide contraceptive services to an astonishing number of very attractive young ladies for all of that time.
Nurse: And a high percentage of them die surprisingly quickly afterwards.
Doctor: What? What do you mean?
Nurse: I mean, as soon as we start providing services to these people they seem to die.
Doctor: Now, that’s just not true.
Nurse: Oh yes? That Plenty you mentioned, she didn’t last long. Plus Jill, Tilly, Paula, Fiona, Helga, Rosie, Andrea-
Doctor: Now wait one moment. She didn’t die, she came back again a few years later. She was calling herself Octopussy, but I knew who she was!
Nurse: All right, I’ll give you that one. But what about Aki, Felicca, Naomi, Corrine, Lisl, May Day, Xenia, Paris -
Doctor: Yes, all right.
Nurse: - Elektra, Miranda, Solange, -
Doctor: Okay, okay, I get the point.
Nurse: - Strawberry, Severine -
Doctor: Enough!
Nurse: - and most of all, what about Tracy?
Doctor: Tracy?
Nurse: Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo.
Doctor: Er, sorry?
Nurse: For the love of God, Mrs Tracy Bond! His wife!
Doctor: Ah right, her. She died too, then?
Nurse: About half an hour after the wedding!
Doctor: Are you trying to suggest that the products and advice we give are killing all these women?
Nurse: No, not that- haven’t you noticed the one thing that they all have in common?
Doctor: No, what would that be?
Nurse: They all have the reference number 007….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,747Chief of Staff
Bond: Yes sir. It was a large amount of money and I am most dreadfully sorry that I am responsible for the loss.
M: While that is true, it isn’t exactly why you’re here.
Bond: Yes, I know. Le Chiffre got away as well. We lost an important opportunity.
M: Again, that is true but it doesn’t cover everything.
Bond: It doesn’t?
M: No, 007, it doesn’t. It may surprise you to discover that we knew about the cottage where you were found belonging to Le Chiffre.
Bond: You knew that?
M: We do function in your absence, Commander. Not only did we know about it but we had planted a listening device- a “bug” I believe is the modern expression for one of those.
Bond: You had?
(M produces a small tape recorder.)
M: Would you like to hear what we heard on it?
Bond: (Not so sure that he does.) Er, yes, sir, of course.
(M presses a button. The tape recorder begins to function.)
Le Chiffre: (On tape.) Tell me where the money is, Mr Bond.
Bond: (On tape.) I’ll never tell you.
Le Chiffre: Are you sure? Do you see where this carpet beater is?
Bond: I don’t care, I won’t tell-
(There is a soft “thunk” noise.)
Bond: Jesus H. Christ! Holy Mother of God! F*ck me sideways with a cactus! Oh good God in Heaven! Mama!
Le Chiffre: You see, Mr Bond?
Bond: Yes, I definitely do see. The cheque is behind the number plate outside my hotel room door. My bank number is 234 09876. M’s real name is Sir Miles Messervy. The Chief of Staff is Bill Tanner and the head of Q Branch is Major Boothroyd. Is there anything else you want to know?
Le Chiffre: Well, since you ask, what is this “Universal Export” I keep hearing about?
Bond: It’s the cover name for the British Secret Service. Just don’t hit me with that thing again!
(M switches off the tape recorder.)
Bond: Ah…
M: I’m afraid this ends your career with us, James.
Bond: But sir-
M: Yes?
Bond: ….nothing, sir.
M: Sorry to lose you. We can’t have one of our top men giving away all of our secrets at the first provocation.
Bond: I just don’t know what I will do now.
M: Oh, there are other careers where this is a positive advantage- have you ever thought of going into politics?
Comments
That song is the nadir of the series 🫣🙉
Yes, more can be arranged but meantime I'd like to refer you back to somewhere around page 50 when the film was released, cos there's a lot of NTTD stuff there and afterwards.
Well, now that you mention it...
The Diary Of Barbara Broccoli
Making Of “Quantum of Solace”
Monday:
Marc showed me the rough cut for the pre-credits sequence, then showed me the final cut. I told him I couldn’t see any difference, and he smiled happily, saying “Excellent”. I swear if he had had a white cat there he would have stroked it.
Tuesday:
Michael said he’d finally come up with a title. It’s from Fleming, and it’s “Quantum Of Solace”. I said that I didn’t understand that, and he said that was the point- people would have to go and see the film to understand what the title meant. I told him that I HAD seen it, and I still didn’t understand.
Wednesday:
I particularly enjoyed the dialogue between Bond and Mathis when they first meet in this film. I turned to congratulate Purvis and Wade only to be reminded that they were on strike and hadn’t written it. Should have guessed.
Thursday:
Dame Judi came up to me and said that she had had enough. There was nothing new for her to work with, she didn’t have any memorable lines, and she wanted out. I persuaded her to hang on just one more film and we would give her a big send off. She reluctantly agreed.
Friday:
Went to a music studio to hear the song Jack White had come up with. I had to sit through 3 or 4 minutes of electronic noise with occasional words discernible in the background. I kept waiting for the actual song to start until I realised that this unbearable noise had finished and that Alicia Keys and Jack were looking at me hopefully. I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint them, so I put on a bright smile and said “It’s great!” As I left I could swear I heard David Arnold groaning from the corner.
This is another Imaginary Conversation that’s right up there with the best you’ve done…apart from the last bit, of course 😏🤣
😂👏
Thanks, guys.
2006. The Salmon household. Colin is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Salmon: Oh sit down, Colin, why don’t you?
Colin: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Salmon: Just relax for a moment.
Colin: Relax? I can’t relax.
Mrs Salmon: Look, just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Colin: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Salmon: What do you mean, “a time like this?” Nothing is happening!
Colin: That’s exactly it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Mrs Salmon: What? Why should the phone be ringing?
Colin: Haven’t you heard? They’re making a new James Bond film right now!
Mrs Salmon: Yes, of course- “Casino Royale”, isn’t it? I thought they’d done that one before, with David Niven and Peter Sellers.
Colin: This is a remake- a serious remake.
Mrs Salmon: Oh, that took a long time.
Colin: Yes, probably something to do with that Kevin McClory person.
Mrs Salmon: Anyway, do you think they will phone you?
Colin: They’ve got to phone me! Didn’t I play Charles Robinson in their last movie?
Mrs Salmon: Yes, of course you did.
Colin: And the one before that, too?
Mrs Salmon: (She’s heard all this before.) Yes, dear.
Colin: And the one before that as well?
Mrs Salmon: Of course you did, my love.
Colin: So they have to want me this time too!
Mrs Salmon: But darling, you know that you only got the part of Charles Robinson because Michael Kitchen wasn’t available to play Bill Tanner in “Tomorrow Never Dies”.
Colin: Well, yes, but then they kept me on with him in “The World Is Not Enough”.
Mrs Salmon: And then he couldn’t do “Die Another Day” so you did that yourself.
Colin: Lucky him. But you see, they need me back for this one!
Mrs Salmon: Listen, Colin, you do know that this film will be a reboot of the James Bond series?
Colin: Yes, and?
Mrs Salmon: I have heard that there will be no Q and no Miss Moneypenny.
Colin: You’re kidding me! Will there be no M as well?
Mrs Salmon: No, M will be there.
Colin: But of course if it’s a reboot they can’t have Judi Dench, there’ll have to be a different M.
Mrs Salmon: No, it’s Judi Dench all right.
Colin: That doesn’t make any sense.
Mrs Salmon: Apparently she’s playing a different M this time.
Colin: Oh, yes, that makes total sense. Instantly obvious to anyone watching the film.
Mrs Salmon: Yes, I know.
Colin: Whoever she’s meant to be. M will still need a right hand man and that has to be me!
Mrs Salmon: Well, actually….
Colin: Ah, right. It’ll be Bill Tanner and that’ll be Michael Kitchen. Suppose I can’t complain.
Mrs Salmon: It’s not him either. They’re giving her a new right hand man, called Villiers.
Colin: A third one? Tanner then Robinson then Villiers? Audiences will hate that.
Mrs Salmon: Honey, now just take a deep breath: I believe you’ll find that most audiences either don’t notice or don’t care who the staff at MI6 are- except for M, Q, and Moneypenny.
Colin: Hmph. I won’t rest until Charles Robinson is just as memorable as Bill Tanner!
Meanwhile, not too far away...
2006. The Robinson household. Charles is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife, whose first name is CooCooCaChoo, looks on concernedly.
Mrs Robinson: Oh sit down, Charles, why don’t you?
Colin: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Robinson: Just relax for a moment.
Colin: Relax? I can’t relax.
Mrs Robinson: Look, just sit down and .....
...while his wife, whose first name is CooCooCaChoo, 🤣👏
CooCooCaChoo…Bloodhound Gang or Alvin Stardust 🤔🤣
No, Sir M, no.....
1989. Eon HQ, disguised as a temple near Isthmus City. Cubby Broccoli is on the telephone.
Cubby: …. Oh yeah? Well, Kevin, you can just take a flying –
(The door bursts open and Michael Wilson comes into the room.)
MGW: Cubby!
(Cubby slams the phone down. It’s been specially cushioned, so this clearly isn’t the first time this has happened.)
Cubby: What is it, Michael? Why aren’t you on the set with Lewis Gilbert? No, wait, don’t tell me- he wants Ken Adam to design a huge set with a monorail, where Bond can fight hordes of henchmen and-
MGW: No, no, it’s worse than that!
Cubby: Roger Moore turned up to demand his old job back? He’d seen “The Living Daylights” and thought it was the only humane thing to do?
MGW: No, not that.
Cubby: Of course not, he’d have sent a stuntman. Well, what is it?
MGW: John Glen turned up today.
Cubby: He did?
MGW: Yes, it’s the first day of shooting and he simply strolled onto the set and started telling everyone what to do.
Cubby: My God, what did Lewis have to say?
MGW: He didn’t have time to say anything- I sent him quickly off to look at those screentests we’d made with Pierce Brosnan.
Cubby: We’ve still got those, then.
MGW: Yes, I thought they might come in handy someday. Anyway, I ran straight here to see you.
Cubby: Didn’t you tell John that we didn’t want him back after “The Living Daylights”?
MGW: No, I thought you did that.
Cubby: But I thought you did.
(They look at each other, eyes wide.)
MGW: So…. You didn’t cancel his contract?
Cubby: I thought you cancelled… oh.
MGW: So what are we going to do?
Cubby: Nothing else for it- we’re going to have to let him direct “Licence To Kill”.
MGW: Suppose Timothy complains?
Cubby: Just let him know that you’ve still got the Brosnan screentests.
MGW: And what about Lewis?
Cubby: He’s a nice guy, there won’t be any trouble. Just ask him to come see me, would you?
MGW: Of course.
Cubby: And, er, remember to keep hold of those Brosnan tests. We might be needing them….
“He’d have sent a stuntman” 🤣fantastic🤣👏🏻
This is a dramatic drop in quality, Barbel. Quite unpresedented for you. TLD is a really good Bond movie, Even with a Norwegian band doing the title song! Have you been talking to Higgins again? I bet you've been in Germany on holliday and listened to his blasphemy about Dalton.
Ah, Number24, once again you have forgotten the motto of this thread. It's the very first line.
You're not seriously suggesting many of thes converstions aren't true? Most of them are obviously based on illegal surveilance and also great! That's why the rare occations when you let yourself be influenced by wristwatch-loving, green trainers-wearing Germans instead microphones of debious legality we get disapointed.
I promise that I've never been influenced by such a person even if they existed.
In OHMSS, Draco offers Bond £1m as dowry if he will marry his daughter, Tracy. Bond declines because (a) he’s a gentleman (b) he doesn’t need a million pounds (his stated reason) (c) his agent told him James Bond was finished and he would get better offers from other producers.
Well, @CoolHandBond wondered what would have happened if Bond had accepted that offer so here it is….
1969. Headquarters of Draco Enterprises, otherwise known as the Union Corse.
Draco: Listen to me. On the day you marry her, I’ll give you a personal dowry of one million pounds in gold.
Bond: That’s quite an inducement, but I don’t need a million pounds and I’ve a bachelor’s taste for freedom.
Draco: Stupido!
Bond: Better make that two.
Draco: What?
Bond: Make that two million and I’ll agree.
Draco: You have got yourself a deal …. son.
Two weeks later, in London. James and Tracy have happily married and been on a delightful honeymoon. He’s never heard of Piz Gloria, never went there, and never met Blofeld for the first (or second) time nor the other people on top of that mountain. He pulls the Aston Martin into a free space outside his place in Chelsea (how times have changed- you try doing that now.)
James: Well, here we are, Tracy. This is where I live. I hope you like it.
Tracy: I’m sure I will, my darling.
(Kiss, kiss.)
James: Right, enough of that- for the moment. I’ll get our bags.
(They go to the door and are greeted by May, Bond’s faithful old housekeeper of many years, with a very disapproving look on her face.)
May: Good day, Mr James. This’ll be another one o’yer floozies, I expect.
James: Very much not, May. This is Mrs Bond. Tracy, this is May, my housekeeper.
Tracy: Hello, May, James has told me so much about you.
May: (Taken completely aback.) Oh. Pleased to meet ye, ma’am.
James: Let’s get in. May, some tea and coffee please.
May: But of course.
(James takes Tracy in while May bustles off to the kitchen. He throws their baggage down.)
Tracy: Oh James, this is wonderful!
James: It’s not much, but I like it.
Tracy: And you’ve got all these peculiar ornaments all around the place. What’s this over here? It looks like a fake gold ingot! I imagine that would be worth quite a bit if it was real!
James: Er, yes, I suppose it would be. It’s just, er, a memento of… er, a place I went to once.
Tracy: And this typewriter here. Oh, wait, it’s not a typewriter, really, it just looks like one. And all the characters are in Russian.
James: That was from a job I was on. Anyway, Tracy, I -
Tracy: Oh, I know what this here is- that’s a Beretta! Quite an old one, too.
James: Yes, it is. Now –
Tracy: And this looks like an underwater watch.
(James is relieved to see May come through the door bearing a loaded tray.)
James: Ah, May! I’d love some coffee!
(The next morning Tracy wakes first. Smiling happily to herself, she goes to the bathroom first then heads to the kitchen to make some breakfast only to find that May is already there.)
Tracy: Oh, good morning, May!
May: Morning, ma’am.
Tracy: I just came in to make some breakfast.
May: I have breakfast for Mr James all ready.
(Tracy looks to see one very large, speckled brown egg sitting in a dark blue egg cup with a gold ring on the top. She of course does not know that it has been boiled for exactly three and a third minutes. Then there are two thick slices of wholewheat toast, a large pat of deep yellow Jersey butter and three squat glass jars containing Tiptree ‘Little Scarlet’ strawberry jam; Cooper’s Vintage Oxford marmalade and Norwegian heather honey from Fortnum’s. The coffee pot and the silver on the tray are Queen Anne, and the china is Minton, of the same dark blue and gold and white as the egg-cup.)*
Tracy: Oh, I see.
May: If ye would tell me what ye would like, I can prepare it for ye.
Tracy: Oh, er, just some coffee thanks.
(Tracy wanders through to the lounge to wait, feeling a little disconcerted. At this moment there is a rustle of paper, and some letters drop through the door.)
May: I’ll just get the post, ma’am.
Tracy: (Feeling it is time she did something for herself.) No, that’s all right, May, I’ll get it.
(Tracy picks up the letters and sits down. Nothing looks very interesting. She opens a letter addressed to James and casually begins to read it as he comes wandering through from the bedroom.)
James: Good morning, my love, how are you? May looking after you all right?
Tracy: May’s fine. I’ve just been reading this.
James: Oh?
Tracy: It’s from your bank. Apparently you received a large sum of money recently.
James: (Realizing what’s going on.) Now, Tracy, darling, I can-
Tracy: In fact, very recently. On our wedding day, to be exact.
James: Tracy-
Tracy: On our wedding day my father transferred two million pounds to you.
James: Yes, he did, but-
Tracy: ON OUR WEDDING DAY my father bribed you to marry me.
James: Well, I wouldn’t have put it like –
Tracy: How am I ever to know if you love me? How am I ever to know if you married me for ME, and not for my father’s two million pounds?
James: Listen –
Tracy: I’ve done enough listening. (She shouts into the kitchen.) May! Cancel that coffee!
May: (From kitchen.) As ye wish, ma’am.
Tracy: And I am out of here! You, James, shall be hearing from my lawyers- Gebrüder Gumbold, of Bern.
(Tracy stomps off, grabbing her bag, and exits leaving James standing forlornly, his mouth flapping as he attempts to say “But- but- but-“ while no sound comes out. He collapses down on the nearest seat, wondering what to do now. Solving that particular problem for him, the telephone picks this moment to ring. He grabs it.)
James: Hello?
Moneypenny: (On phone.) Hello, James, have I … (The smirk on her face can be heard down the phone line.) … interrupted something?
James: No, just about to have breakfast. What do you want, Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: Instructions from M. You’ve to go to the College of Arms, immediately.
James: What? The College of Arms?
Moneypenny: That’s right. You’re to ask for a Sir Hilary Bray….
* FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, Ian Fleming. From Chapter 11.
This, on the other hand, is a great concept!
Oh, the concept is CHB's like I said above. I'm very happy to take ideas and see where they go. In this case, it reverts back to the original story. James will meet her after escaping Piz Gloria as Fleming tells us, she will tell him she had missed him and made her father tell her where he would be, and we carry on as normal. Until the end, that is....
That is simply brilliant, Barbel. I didn’t imagine it going that route but now I’ve read it I cannot imagine another scenario. The breakfast scene reminds me that I’ve ran out of Cooper’s Vintage Oxford marmalade!
I imagine that is hard to get where you are, CHB? And thanks.
A very well executed romp inspired by CHB, lovely 👏🏻
Thanks, Sir M. I hinted above that there might be more then remembered I'd written that already -
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria. James Bond is being licked by a friendly St Bernard.
Bond: Never mind that, go and get the brandy! Five star Hennesey, of course.
(He disentangles himself from the attentions of the St Bernard, then walks back up the run to where Blofeld branched off and is still hanging from the tree, just in time to see Irma Bunt trudging towards him.)
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
(Bond draws his gun and carefully puts two bullets in each of their heads. Satisfied, he turns and walks off humming a few bars of "We Have All The Time In The World"….)
Wonderful ending 👏👏👏
Thanks! This next one is from Bride of Barbel-
2006. A clinic somewhere. The last client of the day is leaving.
Nurse: Bye, Miss Lynd, many thanks for your custom.
Doctor: Is that the last for today?
Nurse: Let me just check … yes, no more today.
Doctor: Good, it’s been a tiring day.
(He takes off his white coat and throws it accurately onto a stand on the other side of the room.)
Nurse: You just love doing that, don’t you?
Doctor: I saw it in a film once … or maybe twice.
Nurse: How come we keep getting all these referrals?
Doctor: For contraception, you mean?
Nurse: Yes, it seems we have a steady stream of beautiful women from all over the world coming to your clinic for contraceptive advice.
Doctor: They’re all referred here, you know.
Nurse: Oh? By whom?
Doctor: Can’t remember her name- Miss Poundmoney or something like that.
Nurse: That’s an unusual name.
Doctor: Yes, a lot of our clients have unusual names too- whoever calls their daughter Plenty, or Pussy?
Nurse: Not to mention Jinx.
Doctor: It’s truly amazing how many clients we have served for … how many years is it now?
Nurse: Forty-four.
Doctor: Yes, incredible. And we’ve managed to successfully provide contraceptive services to an astonishing number of very attractive young ladies for all of that time.
Nurse: And a high percentage of them die surprisingly quickly afterwards.
Doctor: What? What do you mean?
Nurse: I mean, as soon as we start providing services to these people they seem to die.
Doctor: Now, that’s just not true.
Nurse: Oh yes? That Plenty you mentioned, she didn’t last long. Plus Jill, Tilly, Paula, Fiona, Helga, Rosie, Andrea-
Doctor: Now wait one moment. She didn’t die, she came back again a few years later. She was calling herself Octopussy, but I knew who she was!
Nurse: All right, I’ll give you that one. But what about Aki, Felicca, Naomi, Corrine, Lisl, May Day, Xenia, Paris -
Doctor: Yes, all right.
Nurse: - Elektra, Miranda, Solange, -
Doctor: Okay, okay, I get the point.
Nurse: - Strawberry, Severine -
Doctor: Enough!
Nurse: - and most of all, what about Tracy?
Doctor: Tracy?
Nurse: Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo.
Doctor: Er, sorry?
Nurse: For the love of God, Mrs Tracy Bond! His wife!
Doctor: Ah right, her. She died too, then?
Nurse: About half an hour after the wedding!
Doctor: Are you trying to suggest that the products and advice we give are killing all these women?
Nurse: No, not that- haven’t you noticed the one thing that they all have in common?
Doctor: No, what would that be?
Nurse: They all have the reference number 007….
Ruddy marvellous 👏🏻🤣🤣
Second that!
You can now safety retire, Barbel.
My lady thanks you, gentlemen.
1953. M’s office. Bond is sitting opposite M.
M: I expect you know why I’ve sent for you, 007.
Bond: Yes sir. It was a large amount of money and I am most dreadfully sorry that I am responsible for the loss.
M: While that is true, it isn’t exactly why you’re here.
Bond: Yes, I know. Le Chiffre got away as well. We lost an important opportunity.
M: Again, that is true but it doesn’t cover everything.
Bond: It doesn’t?
M: No, 007, it doesn’t. It may surprise you to discover that we knew about the cottage where you were found belonging to Le Chiffre.
Bond: You knew that?
M: We do function in your absence, Commander. Not only did we know about it but we had planted a listening device- a “bug” I believe is the modern expression for one of those.
Bond: You had?
(M produces a small tape recorder.)
M: Would you like to hear what we heard on it?
Bond: (Not so sure that he does.) Er, yes, sir, of course.
(M presses a button. The tape recorder begins to function.)
Le Chiffre: (On tape.) Tell me where the money is, Mr Bond.
Bond: (On tape.) I’ll never tell you.
Le Chiffre: Are you sure? Do you see where this carpet beater is?
Bond: I don’t care, I won’t tell-
(There is a soft “thunk” noise.)
Bond: Jesus H. Christ! Holy Mother of God! F*ck me sideways with a cactus! Oh good God in Heaven! Mama!
Le Chiffre: You see, Mr Bond?
Bond: Yes, I definitely do see. The cheque is behind the number plate outside my hotel room door. My bank number is 234 09876. M’s real name is Sir Miles Messervy. The Chief of Staff is Bill Tanner and the head of Q Branch is Major Boothroyd. Is there anything else you want to know?
Le Chiffre: Well, since you ask, what is this “Universal Export” I keep hearing about?
Bond: It’s the cover name for the British Secret Service. Just don’t hit me with that thing again!
(M switches off the tape recorder.)
Bond: Ah…
M: I’m afraid this ends your career with us, James.
Bond: But sir-
M: Yes?
Bond: ….nothing, sir.
M: Sorry to lose you. We can’t have one of our top men giving away all of our secrets at the first provocation.
Bond: I just don’t know what I will do now.
M: Oh, there are other careers where this is a positive advantage- have you ever thought of going into politics?
The Bride and Barbel - marvellous entertainment, thank you.
BB and MGW - are you reading these? Proper writers - sign them up….NOW!!!