At this point it's normal to find someone pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone, and indeed I know who that will be but something else came up which I think should go first...
Thank you all very much, gentlemen. Given recent events I'm glad I posted that yesterday but for now, I can hear the sound of feet pacing back and forward, this time accompanied by the flutter of little wings ....
1977. The Lee household. Christopher is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Lee: Oh sit down, Christopher, why don’t you?
Christopher: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Lee: Look, just relax and-
Christopher: Relax? What makes you think I can relax?
Mrs Lee: Let me make you a nice cup of blood and-
Christopher: A nice cup of blood? I can’t think of a nice cup of blood at a time like this!
Mrs Lee: But there’s nothing happening.
Christopher: That’s just it- there’s nothing happening. I happen to know that they’re making a new James Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me” right now and they haven’t phoned to ask me to be the villain in it!
Mrs Lee: But Christopher, you got killed at the end of “The Man With The Golden Gun”, remember? You can’t come back for this one.
Christopher: You can not be serious, my love! You know that I was killed at the end of eight Dracula movies and five Fu Manchu films and they still wanted me to come back for more!
Mrs Lee: Ah yes, but-
Christopher: So they have to call me!
Mrs Lee: Look, darling, James Bond films don’t have the same villain coming back movie after movie.
Christopher: Oh yes? Have you never heard of Ernst Stavro Blofeld?
Mrs Lee: But you weren’t playing him!
Christopher: That doesn’t matter- they have to phone me!
Mrs Lee: Now, just go and have a nice lie down in your coffin and-
(The telephone rings. Christopher answers.)
Christopher: Hello? …. Ah, how nice to hear from you … yes, I’d be delighted.
(He hangs up.)
Mrs Lee: Was that the James Bond people?
Christopher: No, just Peter Cushing- he wondered if I fancied a steak on Saturday night.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Today's is a collaboration with @Number24 - we wrote it several days ago, but posting it kept being delayed so sorry about that, N24.
1989. M’s office.
M: So, you’re finally back with us, then, 007?
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: After disobeying orders from me, both directly and indirectly, and heading off on some private vendetta you murdered-
Bond: But sir-
M: Murdered, I said. You knew that your licence to kill had been revoked- I told you personally- and yet you went on a roaring rampage of revenge killing Franz Sanchez, Dario, and God know how many others. That is murder.
Bond: Yes, sir, but-
M: No more interruptions, 007. Your talents are well known to me and I am prepared to take you back on the active roster but I cannot overlook your actions seeking vengeance for what is, at the end of the day, a personal matter. You will immediately undertake a course in Anger Management- now stop groaning- as well as one on our Organisational Structure to remind you who you are responsible to. And I’m sure you know who that is.
Bond: You, sir.
M: Indeed. Now, let’s not waste time. Go and report to your instructors at once.
Bond: (Sighing.) Yes, sir.
That evening Bond is at home drinking martinis (shaken not stirred, of course.) when his neighbour calls round.
Neighbour: James! Come and see what I’ve just bought!
James: Not just now, if you don’t mind. I’ve had a busy day and-
Neighbour: Nonsense, come with me.
(Reluctantly Bond allows himself to be dragged into his neighbour’s garden. There sits a brand new caravan.)
Neighbour: There! What do you think of that?
(Bond gnashes his teeth and gives his wolf stare.)
Bond: What a terrible waste… of money.
Neighbour: Oh, don’t be like that, come on in.
(They go in. Happily the neighbour begins to show Bond around.)
Neighbour: Now there, you see, is the galley, these seats convert to a bed and- what’s that buzzing sound?
Bond: It would appear that you have a fly trapped inside your caravan.
Neighbour: Oh, dear. Let’s see what we can do to solve this problem.
(Bond brings out the lighter given to him by Della and Felix at their wedding.
He flicks it on and a jet of flame bursts out, incinerating the fly which falls to the floor in a small heap of charcoal. The neighbour looks on, horrified.)
Bond: I’m more of a problem eliminator.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Michael has come up with the title for this movie- “Spectre”. I asked him why that, and he gave me a funny look while telling me that it was the organization the villains had belonged to in the old James Bond movies that Dad used to make. I must watch one of them sometime.
Tuesday:
Purvis & Wade have come up with a brilliant idea- James Bond and Ernst Stavro Blofeld should be brothers! They’ve been separated for many years and our movie brings them back together. I can’t think why nobody has come up with this idea before.
Wednesday:
I talked with Sam Mendes, our director, about perhaps having another scene where Dan- I mean, James, comes out of the water wearing those blue trunks again. He said that what with some of the scenes being in the snow and others in the desert he didn’t think he could fit that in. Went to watch the titles being shot instead.
Thursday:
Today we were supposed to be shooting the ski scene where Bond chases after Mr Hinx who has kidnapped Madeleine. It was all planned out and looked like it was going to be very exciting, then Daniel had to tell us that he couldn’t ski so we’d have to rewrite the whole thing with him being in a plane or something. This would be very inconvenient and troublesome, but anything for Daniel. I wonder what he’ll ask on our next film?
Friday:
It has taken us quite some time to get this movie together and I think that this has allowed us to make it all the better. I’m thinking that we should take even longer to make the next Bond film, and it will be even better, and then even longer with the one after that. What could go wrong?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
1965. All is dark. He can see nothing. His head spins, he can’t tell if he’s standing or lying. In the distance he can hear a voice. It’s saying a name, a short name, over and over. Is it his name? Yes, he’s pretty sure that it is. Carefully he opens his eyes. He’s in CTS Recording Studio, a place he knows well. Two men are anxiously bending over him. They’re saying his name. He begins to come to consciousness…
John Barry: Tom! Tom!
Tom Jones: Aaahh..
Don Black: He’s coming round!
John: Tom, speak to us.
Tom: Ahhh, hello.
John: Oh, you’re all right, thank God. Here, drink some of this.
(John holds a glass of water to Tom’s lips.)
Tom: What’s this, water? Get me beer!
Don: Good, he’s back to normal.
Tom: What happened?
Don: You fainted, that’s what happened.
Tom: Fainted?
John: Yes, you were just hitting the last note of “Thunderball” and you collapsed, straight down.
Tom: I did?
Don: Yes, right in front of us. We were quite worried there for a minute or two.
John: I did ask you if I should bring it down a key or two, since that is a very high note, and you said-
Tom: “Bring it on”, yes, I remember now.
John: You did manage to hold it for a bar or two before you went down. I can edit it for the single, but I’ll have to keep the long version for the movie titles.
Don: Tom, is this a rare thing for you?
Tom: Well,
It’s Not Unusual
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Thank you, gentlemen. An obvious little notion but I thought it might come in handy. Now, I did have something planned for today but the death of one of my comedy idols
has changed that, so in tribute to the late great Bob Newhart, here's a look back at one I did some years ago, hopefully in his style.
2005
Pierce: Hello? …. Oh, hi, Barbara. How are you and Michael? …. Yes, I’m fine, and the kids are too. How’s your family? …. Good, glad to hear that …. Yes, of course I have a moment. Two for you! What is it? …. You and Michael have been thinking it might be time to … to … A younger man, you say …. Times have changed …. It’s not me, it’s you …. Better for both of us … So, who is it, then? … Well, you might as well tell me, I’m going to find out soon anyway … No, wait a moment- I know! It’s that Hugh Jackman, isn’t it? …No, then it must be Clive Owen, that’s it … No, not him either … All right, just tell me … HIM????? Oh, you have got to be fu- …No, you’re right, sorry, no need to use that kind of language … Yes, of course we can still be friends … Bye now …. Bitch.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Ahhh…I absolutely loved Bob Newhart…his phone call skits were fabulous…I also thought he was marvellous in Newhart…a fitting tribute 🍸
Comments
Great!
🤣🤣🤣 another master class 👏🏻
Thank you very much, guys.
At this point it's normal to find someone pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone, and indeed I know who that will be but something else came up which I think should go first...
2017. The Biden household. Joe is sitting stroking one of his sixteen dogs when Mrs Biden comes in.
Mrs Biden: Hey Joe, have you seen the news today?
Joe: What’s happened? Has Trump quit?
Mrs Biden: No, more important than that- Daniel Craig has said he’ll come back for a fifth James Bond film!
Joe: Did you read that in the National Enquirer?
Mrs Biden: No, he said it himself to Stephen Colbert.
Joe: Well, I think he shouldn’t have said he’d do it.
Mrs Biden: Oh, but why not?
Joe: He’s too old now- he’ll never remember his lines.
Mrs Biden: They can just use one of those teleprompter things.
Joe: He’ll not be able to do dialogue.
Mrs Biden: Of course he will.
Joe: He’ll start sentences and then forget how to end them.
Mrs Biden: How do you mean?
Joe: Well, he’ll order a “vodka martini, shaken not…. “ and then just drift away.
Mrs Biden: Don’t be silly, he’d never do that.
Joe: Or say “My name’s Bond, James…. er…”
Mrs Biden: No he won’t.
Joe: He’ll get names all mixed up
Mrs Biden: What do you mean?
Joe: He’ll call M “Blofeld” and call Blofeld “Q”.
Mrs Biden: Do you really think so?
Joe: I don’t know, but if he starts to do that then he really should quit and hand over to a younger Presi- er, I mean James Bond.
😂🤣👏👏 Excellent.
Once again I look at the title of this thread…and wonder 🤔🤣
It's in no way relevant to anything current (not at all!!!), but still strangely funny.
Thank you all very much, gentlemen. Given recent events I'm glad I posted that yesterday but for now, I can hear the sound of feet pacing back and forward, this time accompanied by the flutter of little wings ....
1977. The Lee household. Christopher is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Lee: Oh sit down, Christopher, why don’t you?
Christopher: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Lee: Look, just relax and-
Christopher: Relax? What makes you think I can relax?
Mrs Lee: Let me make you a nice cup of blood and-
Christopher: A nice cup of blood? I can’t think of a nice cup of blood at a time like this!
Mrs Lee: But there’s nothing happening.
Christopher: That’s just it- there’s nothing happening. I happen to know that they’re making a new James Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me” right now and they haven’t phoned to ask me to be the villain in it!
Mrs Lee: But Christopher, you got killed at the end of “The Man With The Golden Gun”, remember? You can’t come back for this one.
Christopher: You can not be serious, my love! You know that I was killed at the end of eight Dracula movies and five Fu Manchu films and they still wanted me to come back for more!
Mrs Lee: Ah yes, but-
Christopher: So they have to call me!
Mrs Lee: Look, darling, James Bond films don’t have the same villain coming back movie after movie.
Christopher: Oh yes? Have you never heard of Ernst Stavro Blofeld?
Mrs Lee: But you weren’t playing him!
Christopher: That doesn’t matter- they have to phone me!
Mrs Lee: Now, just go and have a nice lie down in your coffin and-
(The telephone rings. Christopher answers.)
Christopher: Hello? …. Ah, how nice to hear from you … yes, I’d be delighted.
(He hangs up.)
Mrs Lee: Was that the James Bond people?
Christopher: No, just Peter Cushing- he wondered if I fancied a steak on Saturday night.
Fantastic 🤣🤣🤣
The sign off line is brilliant 😁👏
Thank you both very much.
Today's is a collaboration with @Number24 - we wrote it several days ago, but posting it kept being delayed so sorry about that, N24.
1989. M’s office.
M: So, you’re finally back with us, then, 007?
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: After disobeying orders from me, both directly and indirectly, and heading off on some private vendetta you murdered-
Bond: But sir-
M: Murdered, I said. You knew that your licence to kill had been revoked- I told you personally- and yet you went on a roaring rampage of revenge killing Franz Sanchez, Dario, and God know how many others. That is murder.
Bond: Yes, sir, but-
M: No more interruptions, 007. Your talents are well known to me and I am prepared to take you back on the active roster but I cannot overlook your actions seeking vengeance for what is, at the end of the day, a personal matter. You will immediately undertake a course in Anger Management- now stop groaning- as well as one on our Organisational Structure to remind you who you are responsible to. And I’m sure you know who that is.
Bond: You, sir.
M: Indeed. Now, let’s not waste time. Go and report to your instructors at once.
Bond: (Sighing.) Yes, sir.
That evening Bond is at home drinking martinis (shaken not stirred, of course.) when his neighbour calls round.
Neighbour: James! Come and see what I’ve just bought!
James: Not just now, if you don’t mind. I’ve had a busy day and-
Neighbour: Nonsense, come with me.
(Reluctantly Bond allows himself to be dragged into his neighbour’s garden. There sits a brand new caravan.)
Neighbour: There! What do you think of that?
(Bond gnashes his teeth and gives his wolf stare.)
Bond: What a terrible waste… of money.
Neighbour: Oh, don’t be like that, come on in.
(They go in. Happily the neighbour begins to show Bond around.)
Neighbour: Now there, you see, is the galley, these seats convert to a bed and- what’s that buzzing sound?
Bond: It would appear that you have a fly trapped inside your caravan.
Neighbour: Oh, dear. Let’s see what we can do to solve this problem.
(Bond brings out the lighter given to him by Della and Felix at their wedding.
He flicks it on and a jet of flame bursts out, incinerating the fly which falls to the floor in a small heap of charcoal. The neighbour looks on, horrified.)
Bond: I’m more of a problem eliminator.
Bond off duty, nicely done…👏🏻
(Gnashing teeth and giving a wolf stare) That is .... adequate.
Thank you, guys.
The Diary of Barbara Broccoli
The Making of “Spectre”
Monday:
Michael has come up with the title for this movie- “Spectre”. I asked him why that, and he gave me a funny look while telling me that it was the organization the villains had belonged to in the old James Bond movies that Dad used to make. I must watch one of them sometime.
Tuesday:
Purvis & Wade have come up with a brilliant idea- James Bond and Ernst Stavro Blofeld should be brothers! They’ve been separated for many years and our movie brings them back together. I can’t think why nobody has come up with this idea before.
Wednesday:
I talked with Sam Mendes, our director, about perhaps having another scene where Dan- I mean, James, comes out of the water wearing those blue trunks again. He said that what with some of the scenes being in the snow and others in the desert he didn’t think he could fit that in. Went to watch the titles being shot instead.
Thursday:
Today we were supposed to be shooting the ski scene where Bond chases after Mr Hinx who has kidnapped Madeleine. It was all planned out and looked like it was going to be very exciting, then Daniel had to tell us that he couldn’t ski so we’d have to rewrite the whole thing with him being in a plane or something. This would be very inconvenient and troublesome, but anything for Daniel. I wonder what he’ll ask on our next film?
Friday:
It has taken us quite some time to get this movie together and I think that this has allowed us to make it all the better. I’m thinking that we should take even longer to make the next Bond film, and it will be even better, and then even longer with the one after that. What could go wrong?
What could go wrong indeed!! 🤐🤣
As a change from the usual procedure, this was written by
@CoolHandBond and @Number24
based on an idea by me.
Some point between 1989 and 1995. M’s office. M
is sitting behind his desk. He stands when the new M
comes in.
New M: Good morning, Admiral.
Old M: Good morning, Ms Mawdsley.
New M: This must be a moment of mixed emotions for you.
Old M: Indeed it is. The prospect of a relaxed retirement against so many memories.
New M: Memories of WW2, I expect. I suppose you are a bit surprised that I’m not a military man and wasn’t in the Royal Navy.
Old M: Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that.
New M: Disappointed then?
Old M: Well, I-
New M: Disappointed that I’m not a man at all, in fact.
Old M: That’s not what I was thinking.
New M: All right then, you’re thinking that I’m an accountant- a bean counter.
Old M: The thought had occurred to me.
New M: And I’m thinking that everyone here has an outdated attitude to women.
Old M: That isn’t true. 007 has a very open and welcoming attitude towards the fairer sex.
New M: Ah, 007. I’m aware of him.
Old M: You might want to keep an eye on his travel expenses when he’s on a mission.
New M: I certainly will. I don’t suppose you might have something to drink around here?
Old M: As a matter of fact, I do. Would you care for some cognac?
New M: I prefer bourbon, but cognac will do.
(The retiring M pours them both a generous glass of cognac.)
Old M: A rather disappointing brandy…
New M: What’s wrong with it?
Old M: I'd say it was a 30-year-old Fine indifferently blended,
New M: (Takes another sip.) Really?
Old M: With an overdose of Bons Bois.
New M: I wasn’t expecting a lecture, Admiral.
Old M: Would you prefer a sherry, Ms. Mawdsley?
New M: Yes, please, Admiral.
Old M: It’s an unusually fine Solera.
New M: Really?
Old M: ‘51 I believe.
New M: Even I know there is no year for sherry, Admiral.
Old M: I was referring to the original vintage on which the sherry is based, Ms. Mawdsley.
New M: Oh?
Old M: 1851. Unmistakable.
New M: (Getting up.) I’d rather have tea with Mussolini than listen to all this crap!
Very clever 👏🏻🤣
@Barbel is being too modest - he has edited assorted ramblings into a coherent sketch 🍻
1965. All is dark. He can see nothing. His head spins, he can’t tell if he’s standing or lying. In the distance he can hear a voice. It’s saying a name, a short name, over and over. Is it his name? Yes, he’s pretty sure that it is. Carefully he opens his eyes. He’s in CTS Recording Studio, a place he knows well. Two men are anxiously bending over him. They’re saying his name. He begins to come to consciousness…
John Barry: Tom! Tom!
Tom Jones: Aaahh..
Don Black: He’s coming round!
John: Tom, speak to us.
Tom: Ahhh, hello.
John: Oh, you’re all right, thank God. Here, drink some of this.
(John holds a glass of water to Tom’s lips.)
Tom: What’s this, water? Get me beer!
Don: Good, he’s back to normal.
Tom: What happened?
Don: You fainted, that’s what happened.
Tom: Fainted?
John: Yes, you were just hitting the last note of “Thunderball” and you collapsed, straight down.
Tom: I did?
Don: Yes, right in front of us. We were quite worried there for a minute or two.
John: I did ask you if I should bring it down a key or two, since that is a very high note, and you said-
Tom: “Bring it on”, yes, I remember now.
John: You did manage to hold it for a bar or two before you went down. I can edit it for the single, but I’ll have to keep the long version for the movie titles.
Don: Tom, is this a rare thing for you?
Tom: Well,
It’s Not Unusual
😣🤭 🤣🤣🤣
Classic!
😁😁😁
Oh, dear 😅😆😁
Thank you, gentlemen. An obvious little notion but I thought it might come in handy. Now, I did have something planned for today but the death of one of my comedy idols
American comedian Bob Newhart dead at 94, publicist says - BBC News
has changed that, so in tribute to the late great Bob Newhart, here's a look back at one I did some years ago, hopefully in his style.
2005
Pierce: Hello? …. Oh, hi, Barbara. How are you and Michael? …. Yes, I’m fine, and the kids are too. How’s your family? …. Good, glad to hear that …. Yes, of course I have a moment. Two for you! What is it? …. You and Michael have been thinking it might be time to … to … A younger man, you say …. Times have changed …. It’s not me, it’s you …. Better for both of us … So, who is it, then? … Well, you might as well tell me, I’m going to find out soon anyway … No, wait a moment- I know! It’s that Hugh Jackman, isn’t it? …No, then it must be Clive Owen, that’s it … No, not him either … All right, just tell me … HIM????? Oh, you have got to be fu- …No, you’re right, sorry, no need to use that kind of language … Yes, of course we can still be friends … Bye now …. Bitch.
Ahhh…I absolutely loved Bob Newhart…his phone call skits were fabulous…I also thought he was marvellous in Newhart…a fitting tribute 🍸
1983. The Bulloch household. Jeremy returns home from work.
Jeremy: Hi honey, I’m home.
Mrs B: Darling!
(Clunk.)
Mrs B: You might have taken that helmet off.
Jeremy: Oh sorry, darling … there you go.
(Kiss, kiss.)
Mrs B: So, what was it today, “Star Wars” or James Bond?
Jeremy: I’d have thought the helmet would have given you a clue.
Mrs B: Oh, right, “Star Wars”. You’re Bobby Foot, aren’t you?
Jeremy: (Patiently; they’ve been through this before.) Boba Fett, my love, Boba Fett.
Mrs B: Ah, right.
Jeremy: Just like I’ve been in the two movies before this one. However…
Mrs B: However what?
Jeremy: I got killed today.
Mrs B: You got killed???
Jeremy: Yes, I jetted off from some hovering palace thing and got eaten by a sand monster.
Mrs B: Now that’s something you don’t say every day.
Jeremy: So I don’t think that George will be wanting my services again.
Mrs B: Well, there’s always James Bond.
Jeremy: That’s true. And that’s a much easier commute than Tattooine.
Mrs B: And now you have a name!
Jeremy: That’s right, I’m “Smithers”. I didn’t get a name in my first Bond movie
then I’m one of Q’s assistants in the one after that
where I was called Smithers, then in the one after that
I help James Bond by tailing the bad guy to the airport.
Mrs B: You’re getting more and more to do!
Jeremy: Yes, I wonder what I’ll have to do in the next one….
Hitting the fringes of the Spike Milligan dalek sketch there 🤣🤣
I'm honoured by the comparison, though all I can remember of that sketch these days is "Put it in the curry!"
I just looked up that sketch on YouTube, and it's not acceptable today so I won't be posting a link as was my plan.