Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 21


     

    1971. Der Haushalt von Gert Fröbe. Gert geht auf und ab und entfernt sich nie zu weit vom Telefon.

     

    Frau Fröbe: Oh mein Schatz, warum setzt du dich nicht hin?

    Gert: Hinsetzen? Ich kann mich nicht hinsetzen!

    Frau Fröbe: Schau, entspann dich und-

    Gert: Entspannen? Ich kann mich nicht entspannen!

    Frau Fröbe: Ruh dich einfach aus und ich mache eine schöne Tasse Kaffee.

    Gert: Eine schöne Tasse Kaffee? Wie kann ich in einer Zeit wie dieser an Kaffee denken?

    Frau Fröbe: Was meinst du, eine Zeit wie diese? Nichts passiert.

    Gert: Genau das meine ich. Es passiert nichts. Ich weiß, dass ein neuer James-Bond-Film gedreht wird, und sie haben mich nicht angerufen.

    Frau Fröbe: Warum sollten sie dich anrufen? Du hast Goldfinger vor sieben Jahren und drei Filmen gespielt.

    Gert: Aha, aber ich habe gehört, dass in diesem neuen Film "Diamantenfieber" Goldfingers Zwillingsbruder auftauchen wird. Er ist genauso verrückt nach Diamanten wie Auric nach Gold ist, und sie werden mich brauchen, um die Rolle zu spielen!

    Frau Fröbe: Das ist eine verrückte Idee!

    Gert: Meinst du?

    Frau Fröbe: Ja. Als nächstes wirst du mir erzählen dass sie den Regisseur von "Goldfinger" zurückbringen werden und dass Shirley Bassey wieder den Titelsong singen wird. Das würden sie nie tun.

    Gert: Hmmm, vielleicht hast du Recht.

    Frau Fröbe: Natürlich habe ich Recht. Hast du Hunger? Was möchtest du essen?

    Gert: Vielleicht etwas Chinesisches?

    Frau Fröbe: Erwarten Sie, dass ich wok?

    Gert: Nein, Frau Fröbe, ich erwarte, dass du brätst!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 7,206MI6 Agent

    This must have been written by The Bride 😁 translation, please!

    (Is it about Frobe and the possible DAF appearance?)

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    Ah, my apologies. Below please find the same as read by Michael Collins as Gert and Nikki van der Zyl as his wife.


     

    1971. The household of Gert Frobe. Gert is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.

     

    Frau Frobe: Oh sit down, my love, why don’t you?

    Gert: Sit down? I can’t sit down!

    Frau Frobe: Look just relax and-

    Gert: Relax? I can’t relax.

    Frau Frobe: Just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.

    Gert: Coffee? How can I think of coffee at a time like this?

    Frau Frobe: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening.

    Gert: That is exactly what I mean. Nothing is happening, yet I know that a new James Bond film is being made and they have not phoned me.

    Frau Frobe: Why should they phone you? You played Goldfinger seven years and three films ago.

    Gert: Aha, but I have heard that in this new film “Diamonds Are Forever”, Goldfinger’s twin brother will appear, who is just as crazy about diamonds as Auric was about gold, and they will need me to play the part!

    Frau Frobe: That’s a crazy idea!

    Gert: You think so?

    Frau Frobe: Yes, next thing you’ll be telling me is that they’ll bring back the same director as “Goldfinger”, and that Shirley Bassey will be singing the title song again. They’d never do that.

    Gert: Hmmm, maybe you’re right.

    Frau Frobe: Of course I’m right. Now, are you hungry? What would you like to eat?

    Gert: Something Chinese, perhaps.

    Frau Frobe: Do you expect me to wok?

    Gert: No, Frau Frobe, I expect you to fry!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 21

    And now the credits (cue Shirley Bassey). It was @CoolHandBond who suggested Gert Frobe be pacing up and down (though I'm pretty sure he didn't expect it to be like this), and the Bride who did the translation. Blame me for everything else, including that outrageous pun at the end.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    Yes, like a lot of Spike’s tv skits it falls foul of the standards of today…it’s still a great idea though.

    YNWA 97
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    That IS an outrageous pun…🤭🤣 but still funny 😁

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 7,206MI6 Agent
    edited July 22

    It’s a great sketch 😂🤣 and no, I didn’t expect it to go like that! What a brilliant last line 🤣👏

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    Thanks very much, guys.


    2008. The Mansfield household. Olivia comes home.

     

    Olivia: Hi honey, I’m home!

    Husband: Darling!

    (Kiss, kiss.)

    Husband: How was your day?

    Olivia: Bloody awful, if you must know.

    Husband: Oh dear, not again. Fancy a stiff one?

    Olivia: Later, but let’s have a drink first.

    Husband: But of course.

    (He pours them both a drink.)

    Olivia: I suppose you know who’s giving me this stress.

    Husband: That Tiago Rodriquez again?

    Olivia: No, he won’t be a problem any more.

    Husband: Then it has to be that Bund chap.

    Olivia: Bond. James Bond. Yes, him again.

    Husband: What’s he done this time? Lost even more of the Treasury’s money?

    Olivia: Oh, that was just money, it doesn’t matter. It would appear he’s gone freelance.

    Husband: Ah, I know what you intelligence people call that- he’s “gone rouge”.

    Olivia: No, my darling, he hasn’t suddenly turned red- although I can see where you’re coming from, and that would indeed be a problem if it happened.

    Husband: Then what is it?

    Olivia: He’s “gone rogue”, or at least it seems that way. Agents are dropping dead left and right around him.

    Husband: Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? I mean, you did explain to me how the “Double 0” thing was meant to function.

    Olivia: Yes, but not our own agents. One of my bodyguards, a man from Special Branch, a retired Italian, plus a young woman who hadn’t long been recruited- she was covered in oil, by the way.

    Husband: Oh, like that aromatherapy you like.

    Olivia: No, not that kind of oil. Here, get me another drink.

    Husband: Sure.

    (He does so.)

    Olivia: I’m still not convinced it was right to promote him.

    Husband: Well, demote him again then.

    Olivia: I would if I could find him.

    Husband: You don’t know where he is?

    Olivia: Not at the moment.

    Husband: Well, you should find out quickly- he’ll be the death of you, Olivia.

     

     


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    Oh…that’s VERY good 👏🏻

    I see you’ve been at the Big Book of Carry On Gags again though 👀🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    Ah, yes. Couldn't resist. I was practicing for the one where Sid James Bond and Miss Honeybunny (Barbara Windsor, of course) get some gadgets from Coo (Charles Hawtrey) to oppose Goldiefinger (Kenneth Williams) and his henchman Oddbod... oh wait, that last one really was in a "Carry On" film!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 22,330MI6 Agent
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 22

    Vielen Dank, Aber Später.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 22,330MI6 Agent

    Perfekt!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    ...and twice is the only way to live, as we all know.



    1969. Piz Gloria.

     

    Girl: … and every time I eat cabbage, I come all out in spots!

    Blofeld: (Bored.) Yes, thank you very much, we’ll let you know.

    (The girl exits.)

    Bunt: Are you sure, lieber Ernst? We only need one more, perhaps you should not have sent that one away.

    Blofeld: Ach, boring! And, I ask you, cabbages? Can you think of a more boring thing to be allergic to?

    Bunt: Yes, I suppose you’re right.

    Blofeld: Of course I am right. Send in the next one.

    Bunt: But of course.

    (Bunt goes into the waiting room and comes back with one of the most beautiful girls Blofeld has ever seen.)

     

    Beautiful Girl: Hello.

    Blofeld: Ah, er, hello!

    Bunt: (Shooting the evil eye at Blofeld.) Sit down here, my dear.

    Beautiful Girl: Thank you. (Sits.)

    Blofeld: So tell me, my dear, what is your name?

    Beautiful Girl: I’m called Nancy.

    Blofeld: Nancy, that’s a lovely name.

    Nancy: Thank you.

    (Bunt seethes.)

    Blofeld: And tell me, what is it you are allergic to?

    Nancy: It’s cabbage. Every time I eat it I come out in spots!

    Bunt: Ach, well-

    Blofeld: Cabbage, eh? That’s excellent.

    Bunt: But-

    Blofeld: I think you are just what we’re looking for. Fraulein Bunt will show you to your room.

    Bunt: (As sour as a three-week-old lemon.) Jawohl , Herr Graf. You! (She points at Nancy and jerks her thumb.) Come with me.

     

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 7,206MI6 Agent

    😁😂🤣 One of the likeliest scenarios you’ve ever done, Barbel!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    I daren't tell you what cabbage makes me do 🫣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 23

    Just to continue with this page's German theme.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 22,330MI6 Agent
    edited July 23

    Or is ir a hot air theme? This is the boat "Polarstar" that I visited a little more than a week ago. Polarstar was involved in se .... in some kind of hunting in the Arctic back in the day. But Polarstar wasn't the boat's original name, that was changed after first meeting foreigners. The first winter in the ice it was called "Polar travel", or to write the boat's name in Norwegian - "Polarfart"!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    😁😁😁


    1974. A police station in Bangkok. A witness is being interrogated by an inspector.

     

    Inspector:  Now, just go over that one more time please.

    Witness: Again? But I’ve already told you-

    Inspector: Just one more time and then you can go.

    Witness: Oh, all right. I was cycling along a path next to a canal when this car came past me at speed, nearly knocking me over.

    Inspector: Can you identify the make of the car?

    Witness: No, I told you-

    Inspector: Then just describe it, please.

    Witness: It was a sort of gold/brown colour, that’s all I remember.

    Inspector: And the driver?

    Witness: I only got a quick glimpse, but …

    Inspector: Yes?

    Witness: I don’t want to say it. You’ll think I’m crazy.

    Inspector: You must tell us everything, no matter how unimportant.

    Witness: Well…. He looked like Dracula.

    Inspector: Dracula?

    Witness: Yes, you know, Count Dracula. The vampire from the movies.

    Inspector: You mean he had a black cloak and fangs?

    Witness: No, but he … he just looked like Dracula. Tall, slim, dark. And the passenger was… was ….

    Inspector: The passenger was?

    Witness: He was a little person, dressed up in a butler’s outifit.

    Inspector: A little person?

    Witness: Yes, like, you know, like a dwarf. He was smiling.

     

    Inspector: So he was happy, not grumpy?

    Witness: Yes, I think so. Then, just as I got back on the road, another car zoomed past.

     

    A red one. This time I couldn’t see the driver or a passenger if there was one.

    Inspector: So what happened next?

    Witness: Well, I headed on further and then I saw … I really don’t want to tell you…

    Inspector: Tell me!

    Witness: The gold/brown car, it had sprouted wings and it flew away.

     Inspector: What?

    Witness: It flew away, in the sky. Then all you policemen came on the scene and I was taken away to this police station. There was some American yelling about how he was a police officer and he was going to-

    Inspector: Yes, yes, we know about him. So basically, you are telling us that you saw Count Dracula and a dwarf butler in a flying car?

    Witness: I know how that sounds, but yes.

    Inspector: And you are sure you hadn’t been drinking?

    Witness: Only a little wine with my lunch- but I’m never touching the stuff again!

    Inspector: Well, I think that’s about all we need so thank you, and you can go.

    Witness: Fine, I’ll go then.

    Inspector: Do you have any plans?

    Witness: Well, I’m not coming back here for my next holiday, that is for sure.

    Inspector: Where are you thinking of?

    Witness: I’ve already booked a break on one of the Mediterranean islands where I hope nothing like this happens to me again.

    Inspector: Corsica?

    Witness: Actually, sir, it is in Sardinia.

    Inspector: I hope you enjoy it.

    Witness: Goodbye, Inspector.

    Inspector: Goodbye, Mr Tourjansky.

     

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    Happy, not grumpy 👀🤔🤣

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 7,206MI6 Agent

    It’s nice to see Mr Tourjansky turn up a movie early 😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 4,108MI6 Agent

    that character should be in every Bond movie, especially the grumpy CraigBond movies

    that picture of KnickKnack smiling just before the car sprouts wings suddenly makes me see the obvious...


    Scaramanga: (looks behind, irritated) oh dash it, that British agent is still on our tail. How ever shall I get rid of him?

    KnickKnack: de plane, boss, de plane!

    Scaramanga: why thank you Tattoo, er I mean KnickKnack, I wouldn't have remembered without you. The plane it is!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff

    Many thanks, guys.

    @caractacus potts, you should expand that!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 25


    Edit- MAJOR SPOILERS below for those who have not yet seen "No Time To Die". This is for CoolHandBond, who wanted more on that film.



    2021. Eon HQ, disguised as a bar in Cuba. Hans Zimmer has been summoned to meet MGW and BB.

     

    Hans: You wanted to see me?

    MGW: Yes, Hans, have a seat.

    (Hans eyes the offered chair. It doesn’t have a seat.)

    Hans: Er, no, I’ll stand, thanks.

    BB: As you wish. Now, it’s about this soundtrack album of yours.

    Hans: Oh yes? I was very pleased with the cover.

     

    Although perhaps my name could have been just a little bigger.

    MGW: Never mind about that. We’ve been looking at the titles some of the tracks have been given.

    Hans: Ah, I was quite pleased at some of those- “Message From An Old Friend” I thought was nice, though “Cuba Chase” was a bit basic and-

    BB: Not those. We’re not happy with track titles like “Death Of Felix”, for example.

    Hans: But that describes exactly what is happening at the moment that particular piece of music is being heard.

    MGW: Of course it does, but Hans, have you ever heard the word “spoiler”?

    Hans: Spoiler?

    BB: Yes, as in “Bond Strangles Blofeld In Belmarsh Prison While Saying Die, Blofeld, Die” – that is what is meant by a spoiler.

    Hans: But that is where that music goes!

    MGW: True, but not everyone who buys the album will have seen the movie first.

    Hans: Well, I’ll just call it “A Surprise For Ernst”.

    MGW: Not ideal, but it’ll do.

    BB: And most of all, the one called “Bond Meets The Daughter He Never Knew He Had” – that has certainly got to go.

    Hans: Are you sure?

    BB: Of course we're sure, it's one of our major plot points!

    Hans: I suppose I could call it “A Surprise For James”?

    MGW: Yes, that’ll do… again.

    Hans: And I’ll change “Death Of Felix” to “A Surprise For Felix”.

    BB: Hmmm, not convinced about that.

    MGW: I think I see a pattern developing.

    Hans: Well, what about the last track “Bond  Kills The Bad Guy, Makes Sure His Family Gets Away, Then Gets Blown To Pieces By Incoming Missiles”?

    BB: Oh, no problem there. That’s fine.

     

     

     

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    Nice idea and a great ending 🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 37,854Chief of Staff
    edited July 26


    Thanks!


    1979

    The Diary Of Farmer Joe

     

    Monday  - Milked the cows

                        Planted corn

                        Fed the pigs

     

     Tuesday - Milked the cows

                         Planted turnips

                         Fed the pigs

     

    Wednesday – Milked the cows

                               Planted potatoes

                               Fed the pigs

     

    Thursday – Was milking the cows when I heard this sort of screaming sound, like a bomb was coming down. I ran out and a flying saucer crash landed in the middle of the potato field. After changing my trousers, I went to investigate and two aliens came out. I thought at first they would be little green men, but no. There were two, a male and a female. The man was a giant, the biggest man I ever saw, and the woman was very small. I tried to say hello but nothing much came out. The giant just smiled at me and I saw that his teeth were metal. The woman had blonde hair in pigtails and little round glasses. I couldn’t see if she had metal teeth or not because next a USAF helicopter appeared out of nowhere and landed just next to us. A squad of armed men came rushing out, and the two aliens went with them into the helicopter which then took off. Nobody said a word to me. I went back home to change my trousers again.

    I had just done that when two men came to see me. I hadn’t heard their car draw up. They were dressed the same, both in black suit and tie, white shirt, dark glasses. One was old and white, the other young and black. They told me that I had seen nothing today and was not to tell anyone anything. I was just about to agree, nodding my head, when they produced a sort of pen thing and-

     

    Friday - Did laundry, then milked the cows

                   Planted carrots

                   Fed the pigs (very hungry today)

       

     

     

     

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff

    Oh, I REALLY like that one 👏🏻🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 22,330MI6 Agent

    That's the life of a farmer, all right! Great work, Barbel.

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 7,206MI6 Agent

    Very clever 😂👏

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
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