Thank you all very much, gentlemen. That was something a little different, but I notice that we have turned a new page so that means something not different at all. I hear the sound of someone pacing up and down....
1985. The Simmons household. Bob is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Simmons: Oh sit down, Bob, why don’t you?
Bob: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Simmons: Look, just relax and-
Bob: Don’t you see I can’t relax?
Mrs Simmons: Look, let me make you a nice cup of tea and –
Bob: Nice cup of tea? I don’t want a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Simmons: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Bob: That’s just it – nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing.
Mrs Simmons: What make you think that?
Bob: Look, I know that they’re making a new James Bond film right now.
Mrs Simmons: And?
Bob: Am I not the first person to have played James Bond on the big screen?
Mrs Simmons: (Rolls her eyes; she knows all this perfectly well but also knows that it’s best to just let it all come out.) Well, yes.
Bob: And didn’t I wear drag and have a big fight with Bond in “Thunderball”?
Mrs Simmons: Of course you did.
Bob: And didn’t I have two fights with two big guys in “You Only Live Twice” whenever the camera couldn’t make out Bond’s face?
Mrs Simmons: Yes, dear, but -
Bob: (In full flow, he can’t be stopped.) And didn’t I play Bond right at the start of “Diamonds Are Forever” because it would have cost the average British GDP to have Sean Connery actually do those scenes?
Mrs Simmons: Of course.
Bob: And was it not me who did the jump between those two cable-cars in “Moonraker” because Richard Kiel, crazily enough, is afraid of heights?
Mrs Simmons: I know that was you, my love.
Bob: And didn’t I get blown up by an exploding Lotus in “For Your Eyes Only”?
Mrs Simmons: Yes, of course, but-
Bob: And-
Mrs Simmons: Enough, darling, enough.
Bob: So why haven’t they phoned me for this one?
Mrs Simmons: Do you know what it’s called?
Bob: Yes, it’s called “A View To-
(The telephone suddenly rings. They stare at each other in surprise, then Bob seizes the receiver.)
Bob: Hello? …. Yes, it’s me … Oh, hello, Cubby.
(Mrs Simmons grabs Bob’s hand.)
Bob: Yes, I’m fine …. Well, I don’t know … How much did you say? …. No, that would be … HOW much? … Yes, I think that would be enough …. Right now? … Yes, of course, I’ll be right round.
(Bob hangs up.)
Mrs Simmons: Well? You’re going to do some James Bond work, aren’t you?
Bob: Well, sort of.
Mrs Simmons: Are you to jump off the Eiffel Tower? Surf across some water? Hang from an airship?
Bob: No, much more dangerous than that. I’ve to do the bed scene with Grace Jones. Roger has point-blank refused.
2024. At the International Film Propmasters Convention, two members are talking at the bar.
Prop 1: So, how are you enjoying the convention?
Prop 2: Yeah, it’s good. Nice opportunity for us guys to get together.
Prop 1: We’re in a part of the film industry that often goes unrecognised and is little thought about.
Prop 2: Unless Alec Baldwin is shooting.
Prop 1: Ah yes, Alec. Have you worked with him?
Prop 2: No, I’m on the James Bond movies.
Prop 1: James Bond, eh? I’m with the Marvel films myself.
Prop 2: What’s that like?
Prop 1: Oh, it never stops. One moment I’ve to find Thor’s hammer from wherever it ended up last time, the next I’ve got to be polishing Iron Man’s suit.
Prop 2: So you’re kept busy, then?
Prop 1: Yes, non-stop. Making duplicates of Captain America’s shield, and always needing more arrows for Hawkeye, one film after another, plus the TV stuff.
Prop 2: Oh yes, that sounds like a lot to do.
(There is a pause while the first guy waits for the second one to speak. Eventually he gives in.)
Prop 1: So, what about you, then?
Prop 2: Me?
Prop 1: Yes, how’s your work?
Prop 2: Oh, sorry, I thought I’d told you. I’m on the James Bond movies.
Prop 1: I know you said that but you must be doing something.
Prop 2: Well, we’re keeping the rows of imitation Walther PPKs clean.
Prop 1: And?
Prop 2: We polish one of the Aston Martin DB5s from time to time.
Prop 1: Yes?
Prop 2: Er… that’s about it.
Prop 1: What? You’re kidding me!
Prop 2: No, not at all. We haven’t done anything since “No Time To Die”.
Prop 1: That was 2021.
Prop 2: Yes, the premiere was in 2021. We had to supply some stuff for that. The actual movie was finished long before that.
Prop 1: So you’re not doing …. anything?
Prop 2: Nope.
Prop 1: Nothing at all?
Prop 2: I told you, we do a bit of cleaning and-
Prop 1: Yes, yes, but you’re not making any explosive watches?
Prop 2: Nope.
Prop 1: No tiny little radios?
Prop 2: Not at all.
Prop 1: No electrified cell phones, no trick attaché cases, no ballpoint grenades?
Prop 2: Not a thing.
Prop 1: Well, I’ve only got one thing to say.
Prop 2: And what’s that?
Prop 1: Fancy swapping jobs?
Prop 2: No fear- this looks like it’s going to continue for a long long time!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
🤣😳🤣🫣
Prop 1: So you aren’t making props or working on the next Bond film then?
Thanks, guys, and that was a good idea Sir Miles- as CHB says, you might want to chip in on one soon.
Today, however, I have to tell you that I was not pleased with the Conversation that I had written so I haven't posted it. I think I need a break for a while.
I write after a viewing of the recent film “Live And Let Die”. As the UK representative of the appropriate Animal Welfare Society, I must object in the strongest possible terms to the portrayal of sharks in this motion picture, where they are presented as vicious man-eating beasts worthy of terror rather than respectful co-existence. In addition one of them is clearly seen to be fed with a rubber dummy (of a totally unlifelike semblance, I might add) which would surely cause, at the least, severe indigestion to the creature concerned.
I must also point out that crocodiles and alligators are similarly misrepresented in this production as well as also being mistreated. I most definitely saw Mr Roger Moore, an actor known for his gentlemanly conduct, standing on the heads and backs of several of these poor defenceless reptiles.
I trust that such instances of cruelty will not be repeated in any future motion pictures made from your works.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
Eon Productions have passed your letter to me for a response, Mr Fleming having been deceased for nearly ten years. As the screenwriter of the motion picture concerned, I can reassure you that no sharks were actually fed rubber at any point during filming, and nor did any of them eat any parts of any human beings. That is being reserved for a future production.
I can also assure you that Mr Moore at no point stood on the heads or backs of any crocodiles or alligators. That would be the owner of the creatures, a Mr Ross Kananga, who is an expert on them and made sure that no maltreatment was involved.
Finally, may I thank you for your interest in our film and suggest that, since you are clearly interested in animal welfare, you never read Mr Fleming’s novel on which the film is based.
Yours sincerely
T. Mankiewicz
PS I also suggest you avoid a book being published next year by a Mr P. Benchley.
I have sadly had occasion to write to your company in the past about the treatment of sharks in your films. I have only just come from a viewing of your latest production “The Spy Who Loved Me” and I am disappointed that once again this noble and misunderstood denizen of the sea is being treated abominably by your enterprise. One shark is most definitely force fed with a young woman early in the film,
whilst near the end another one, possibly the same, is bitten apparently to death by a very large man with steel teeth.
I do not recall seeing a disclaimer, as is common in film productions, about no sharks being harmed in the making of this motion picture and I therefore have no alternative but to assume that they were and no recourse but to write to you personally to express my unhappiness at this state of affairs.
Yours sincerely.
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Mr Broccoli
I have received no reply to my letter of two months ago and am concerned not to have received a response within that time period. I must ask you to pay heed to my missives.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Mr Broccoli
It has now been six months since I initially wrote to you with regard to the treatment of sharks in your most recent motion picture production. I am most saddened that you have not seen fit to reply to my messages and my concerns.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
A thousand apologies that you have not received a reply to your earlier letters. I had instructed my daughter Barbara to reply immediately, but unfortunately she would appear to have a different concept of the word “immediately” to what you or I may believe. Honestly, that girl does not have any concept of what other people may be wanting or the time frame within which they might want it. Sometimes I think one may have to wait years for her to do something. And years.
However, I can assure you that no sharks whatsoever were harmed during the making of the film concerned. It was indeed the same shark in both scenes you mention, and at no point was it fed with any human being or bitten by a steel-toothed giant. This is only special effects. Thank you for your interest in Eon Productions.
Yours sincerely
A. R. Broccoli
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Thank you very much, guys. I think that's enough from A. Snowflake (Miss), at least for the time being but along related lines....
Written by Number 24 and Barbel
1971. Las Vegas. James Bond is playing craps in a casino when a buxom young lady appears next to him.
Buxom Young Lady: Hi. I'm Ladyflower.
Bond: But of courshe you are.
Ladyflower: Ladyflower Plentyful.
Bond: Named after your mother, no doubt.
Ladyflower: Would you like some help?
Bond: Maybe later. I'm jusht glad you're not called Plenty O'Boobiesh, or shome sheperate shimilar shexisht shobriquet.
Ladyflower: Of course. Such names are demeaning to womankind and do not represent us fairly in today's world.
Bond: Indeed. and no doubt you are exshpecting me to invite you to engage in carefree shexual intercourshe with no responsibilitiesh involved.
Ladyflower: Well, I-
Bond: Perhapsh you think that I am at heart a shexisht or even mishogynishtic outdated dinoshaur, due to often inaccurate impresshionsh of my character owing to shuperfishial knowledge, rumoursh, and undishguishedly biashed dialoguesh.
Ladyflower: You know, I-
Bond: Whereash in fact I wish to engage you in frank, shensitive conversationsh to encourage you to open up and share.
Ladyflower: You silver-tongued devil, let's go to your hotel room at once and have wild rampant sex till we can take no more.
Bond: Well, if you inshisht.
Ladyflower: Do you have protection?
Bond: Of courshe! Have a look at thish. (He reaches into his pocket. Ladyflower audibly gasps.) No, no, thish is not a “Carry On” film. Look.
(Bond has produced a long legal document. It’s been folded carefully but is still creased, suggesting that he carries it with him everywhere.)
Bond: It’sh merely a shtandard form which you have to shign to indicate that you are of legal age to engage in shexual intercourshe with the party of the firsht part- that’sh me- of free will, shign here, with a shober mind, shign there ,and under no presshure, shign there, thish lasht one. Three shignaturesh. Now, two independent witnesshesh- how about you shir? And madam?
(Bond grabsh, er, grabs, two passers-by)
Bond: Jusht shign here … and here … Now, Ladyflower, I’m fully protected- let’sh go to my room!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Jamaica, Morgan’s Harbour. A sleek thirty-foot yacht sits moored safely to one side. The owner, a tall dark-haired man with a scar down one cheek, yawns as he prepares his morning coffee- Blue Mountain, the most delicious in the world- along with scrambled eggs and bacon. His peace is abruptly disturbed by a disembodied voice.
Voice: Gunn? Are you there?
(Stifling a groan, Commander James Gunn puts down his coffee and listens to the voice from the hidden loudspeaker.)
James: I’m here, Admiral. As you knew I’d be.
Admiral: Good. It’s time for your report.
James: But of course, sir. My treasure hunt cover seems to be fraying at the edges. Yesterday I was attacked by a gang of Chigroes-
Admiral: A gang of who?
James: Chinese Negroes, sir. I was lucky not to have my throat cut. Glad I had my gun with me.
Admiral: Not that damned Beretta, I hope.
James: No, of course not, sir. The Walther PPK just like you said. Also, my assistant Joe Friday nearly came to a sudden end between the crushers of one of the bauxite plants.
Admiral: Did he catch who was behind it?
James: No, he’s dead. Joe and he had a bit of a quarrel.
Admiral: Well, you better get a move on. The Americans are keen to know who’s been trying to deflect the course of their missiles from Cape Canaveral.
James: I’ve got a lead that might help us with that, sir. I’m wanting to investigate what’s going on on a small island off Jamaica.
Admiral: The sooner the better.
James: Joe and I will be departing when dusk falls tonight.
Admiral: Right then. Oh, by the way, what’s the name of this island?
James: It’s called Crab Key.
Acknowledgements to John Pearson for providing the story of this unproduced television pilot written by Fleming in his book “The Life Of Ian Fleming”. I’ve taken one or two liberties with those details, of course.
if the series were a success it could have a spinoff about his cousin the bigcity private eye. then they could argue about who had the hipper theme song
Thank you all very much, and @caractacus potts we all know who has the hipper theme tune. 😉
1954. Pan Books, Publishers. Ian Fleming enters.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Mr Fleming.
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Have a seat. Care for a cup of tea?
(Fleming stares at him in astonishment.)
Publisher: Oh that’s right, you call it “a cup of mud”, don’t you?
Fleming: I do indeed.
Publisher: Then perhaps … Oh, I know: three measures of gin, one of vodka-
Fleming: Never mind, I’ll just have a cup of coffee.
(The Publisher raises an eyebrow.)
Publisher: Are you sure?
Fleming: Of course not, I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Would you like me to give you the recipe again? Three measures of-
Publisher: (Hastily.) No, no, that’s all right, I remember.
(He moves to the drinks cabinet and begins mixing.)
Publisher: Now, what was it you wanted to see us about?
Fleming: It’s this.
(He produces a paperback book and puts it down on the desk.)
Publisher: Ah yes, “Live And Let Die”. It just came out last week.
Fleming: Exactly. Look at it!
Publisher: What’s wrong?
Fleming: What’s wrong? This chap here on the cover – who on Earth decided he looked like James Bond?
Publisher: Well, I thought -
Fleming: And the girl – that’s meant to be Solitaire, is it?
Publisher: Yes, that’s who it is.
Fleming: That’s who it most certainly is not. I believe I provided a description of her in the book.
Publisher: Well, you-
Fleming: In Chapter 7.
Publisher: You may have-
Fleming: “Mister Big”.
Publisher: (Confused.) What?
Fleming: “Mister Big”. That’s what Chapter 7 is called.
Publisher: Oh, right. Well, if you don’t like that cover what about this one?
Fleming: Oh good Lord, that’s worse! And who’s the one who thinks he’s James Bond? He looks like David Niven without a moustache!
Publisher: Actually, that’s one of our chief executives.
Fleming: Well, I don’t like it.
Publisher: Get used to it, Mr Fleming. He’s one of our chief executives and his picture is going to be on the cover of your books for some time to come.
Fleming: What happened to this fellow? Can’t you get him back?
Publisher: You complained about him as well, if I recall correctly. Said he looked like an American film star.
Fleming: I did, until the sales figures came in!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,342Chief of Staff
Comments
Thank you all very much, gentlemen. That was something a little different, but I notice that we have turned a new page so that means something not different at all. I hear the sound of someone pacing up and down....
1985. The Simmons household. Bob is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Simmons: Oh sit down, Bob, why don’t you?
Bob: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Simmons: Look, just relax and-
Bob: Don’t you see I can’t relax?
Mrs Simmons: Look, let me make you a nice cup of tea and –
Bob: Nice cup of tea? I don’t want a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Simmons: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Bob: That’s just it – nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing.
Mrs Simmons: What make you think that?
Bob: Look, I know that they’re making a new James Bond film right now.
Mrs Simmons: And?
Bob: Am I not the first person to have played James Bond on the big screen?
Mrs Simmons: (Rolls her eyes; she knows all this perfectly well but also knows that it’s best to just let it all come out.) Well, yes.
Bob: And didn’t I wear drag and have a big fight with Bond in “Thunderball”?
Mrs Simmons: Of course you did.
Bob: And didn’t I have two fights with two big guys in “You Only Live Twice” whenever the camera couldn’t make out Bond’s face?
Mrs Simmons: Yes, dear, but -
Bob: (In full flow, he can’t be stopped.) And didn’t I play Bond right at the start of “Diamonds Are Forever” because it would have cost the average British GDP to have Sean Connery actually do those scenes?
Mrs Simmons: Of course.
Bob: And was it not me who did the jump between those two cable-cars in “Moonraker” because Richard Kiel, crazily enough, is afraid of heights?
Mrs Simmons: I know that was you, my love.
Bob: And didn’t I get blown up by an exploding Lotus in “For Your Eyes Only”?
Mrs Simmons: Yes, of course, but-
Bob: And-
Mrs Simmons: Enough, darling, enough.
Bob: So why haven’t they phoned me for this one?
Mrs Simmons: Do you know what it’s called?
Bob: Yes, it’s called “A View To-
(The telephone suddenly rings. They stare at each other in surprise, then Bob seizes the receiver.)
Bob: Hello? …. Yes, it’s me … Oh, hello, Cubby.
(Mrs Simmons grabs Bob’s hand.)
Bob: Yes, I’m fine …. Well, I don’t know … How much did you say? …. No, that would be … HOW much? … Yes, I think that would be enough …. Right now? … Yes, of course, I’ll be right round.
(Bob hangs up.)
Mrs Simmons: Well? You’re going to do some James Bond work, aren’t you?
Bob: Well, sort of.
Mrs Simmons: Are you to jump off the Eiffel Tower? Surf across some water? Hang from an airship?
Bob: No, much more dangerous than that. I’ve to do the bed scene with Grace Jones. Roger has point-blank refused.
Mrs Simmons: Oh no – call them right back!
😂🤣 Enough to scare anyone to death!
This is a prequel to the one at 3476.
1969. Eon HQ, disguised as a philanthropic organisation for refugees, in Paris. John Barry comes in to meet Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli.
Harry: John! Do come in.
John: Sure, no problem. You sent for me?
Cubby: Yes, there’s something we want to discuss with you.
John: You decided you actually want someone to be singing the words “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” after all?
Cubby: No, of course not. We’re not that stupid.
Harry: Although…
Cubby: No, Harry, we’ve been through all that. Now John, we ‘ve been looking at your previous soundtrack albums for us.
John: Oh yes? Wouldn’t it have been better if you listened to them?
Harry: Of course we’ve listened to them. (Cubby gives Harry some side eye.) We’ve noticed a little habit of yours that we’d like to highlight.
John: Do tell.
Cubby: All right. On the album of “From Russia With Love” you have a track called “Death Of Kerim”, and another called “Death Of Grant”.
John: So?
Harry: On the next one “Goldfinger” you’ve got “Death Of Tilly” and “Death Of Goldfinger”.
John: Of course.
Cubby: All right, on “Thunderball” you’ve got “Death Of Fiona”.
John: Yes, and I would have had “Death Of Largo” too if there had been room on the disc.
Harry: Then on “You Only Live Twice” there’s “Death Of Aki”.
John: Yes, that was a good one.
Cubby: Now, John, we’ve not been too bothered about this up till now. However, on the current soundtrack album you’ve got one called “Death Of Tracy”.
John: Ah, that’s a lovely one. I took the melody of-
Harry: Look, John, this is a very important plot point.
John: Yeah?
Cubby: Of course it is. This is to come to a surprise to the audience at the end of the film.
John: I don’t see why, it’s in the book.
Harry: Not everyone has read the book. We want this to hit the audience with a big shock.
Cubby: They have to feel the same shock and surprise that James Bond is feeling.
John: What, that Australian guy?
Harry: He’s still James Bond. Now go and think up another title for that track.
John: “A Big Surprise For The Australian Bloke”?
Cubby: No, John.
John: “A Surprise For James”, then.
Harry: Not that either. And do it quickly, you haven’t got all the time in the world.
John: Ah…….
🤣 those two are great 🤣
Great work!
Thanks, guys.
2024. At the International Film Propmasters Convention, two members are talking at the bar.
Prop 1: So, how are you enjoying the convention?
Prop 2: Yeah, it’s good. Nice opportunity for us guys to get together.
Prop 1: We’re in a part of the film industry that often goes unrecognised and is little thought about.
Prop 2: Unless Alec Baldwin is shooting.
Prop 1: Ah yes, Alec. Have you worked with him?
Prop 2: No, I’m on the James Bond movies.
Prop 1: James Bond, eh? I’m with the Marvel films myself.
Prop 2: What’s that like?
Prop 1: Oh, it never stops. One moment I’ve to find Thor’s hammer from wherever it ended up last time, the next I’ve got to be polishing Iron Man’s suit.
Prop 2: So you’re kept busy, then?
Prop 1: Yes, non-stop. Making duplicates of Captain America’s shield, and always needing more arrows for Hawkeye, one film after another, plus the TV stuff.
Prop 2: Oh yes, that sounds like a lot to do.
(There is a pause while the first guy waits for the second one to speak. Eventually he gives in.)
Prop 1: So, what about you, then?
Prop 2: Me?
Prop 1: Yes, how’s your work?
Prop 2: Oh, sorry, I thought I’d told you. I’m on the James Bond movies.
Prop 1: I know you said that but you must be doing something.
Prop 2: Well, we’re keeping the rows of imitation Walther PPKs clean.
Prop 1: And?
Prop 2: We polish one of the Aston Martin DB5s from time to time.
Prop 1: Yes?
Prop 2: Er… that’s about it.
Prop 1: What? You’re kidding me!
Prop 2: No, not at all. We haven’t done anything since “No Time To Die”.
Prop 1: That was 2021.
Prop 2: Yes, the premiere was in 2021. We had to supply some stuff for that. The actual movie was finished long before that.
Prop 1: So you’re not doing …. anything?
Prop 2: Nope.
Prop 1: Nothing at all?
Prop 2: I told you, we do a bit of cleaning and-
Prop 1: Yes, yes, but you’re not making any explosive watches?
Prop 2: Nope.
Prop 1: No tiny little radios?
Prop 2: Not at all.
Prop 1: No electrified cell phones, no trick attaché cases, no ballpoint grenades?
Prop 2: Not a thing.
Prop 1: Well, I’ve only got one thing to say.
Prop 2: And what’s that?
Prop 1: Fancy swapping jobs?
Prop 2: No fear- this looks like it’s going to continue for a long long time!
🤣😳🤣🫣
Prop 1: So you aren’t making props or working on the next Bond film then?
Prop 2: We don't really go in for that anymore. 👀
😂🤣👏
You two should team up for one of these imaginary conversations.
Great stuff, gents.
Thanks, guys, and that was a good idea Sir Miles- as CHB says, you might want to chip in on one soon.
Today, however, I have to tell you that I was not pleased with the Conversation that I had written so I haven't posted it. I think I need a break for a while.
1973.
Dear Mr Fleming
I write after a viewing of the recent film “Live And Let Die”. As the UK representative of the appropriate Animal Welfare Society, I must object in the strongest possible terms to the portrayal of sharks in this motion picture, where they are presented as vicious man-eating beasts worthy of terror rather than respectful co-existence. In addition one of them is clearly seen to be fed with a rubber dummy (of a totally unlifelike semblance, I might add) which would surely cause, at the least, severe indigestion to the creature concerned.
I must also point out that crocodiles and alligators are similarly misrepresented in this production as well as also being mistreated. I most definitely saw Mr Roger Moore, an actor known for his gentlemanly conduct, standing on the heads and backs of several of these poor defenceless reptiles.
I trust that such instances of cruelty will not be repeated in any future motion pictures made from your works.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
Eon Productions have passed your letter to me for a response, Mr Fleming having been deceased for nearly ten years. As the screenwriter of the motion picture concerned, I can reassure you that no sharks were actually fed rubber at any point during filming, and nor did any of them eat any parts of any human beings. That is being reserved for a future production.
I can also assure you that Mr Moore at no point stood on the heads or backs of any crocodiles or alligators. That would be the owner of the creatures, a Mr Ross Kananga, who is an expert on them and made sure that no maltreatment was involved.
Finally, may I thank you for your interest in our film and suggest that, since you are clearly interested in animal welfare, you never read Mr Fleming’s novel on which the film is based.
Yours sincerely
T. Mankiewicz
PS I also suggest you avoid a book being published next year by a Mr P. Benchley.
😁😂🤣 It also appears that Miss Snowflake has written a letter to the Comic Strip thread as well.
Yes, it's odd, that. I believe we may be hearing more from her very soon....
1977
Dear Mr Broccoli
I have sadly had occasion to write to your company in the past about the treatment of sharks in your films. I have only just come from a viewing of your latest production “The Spy Who Loved Me” and I am disappointed that once again this noble and misunderstood denizen of the sea is being treated abominably by your enterprise. One shark is most definitely force fed with a young woman early in the film,
whilst near the end another one, possibly the same, is bitten apparently to death by a very large man with steel teeth.
I do not recall seeing a disclaimer, as is common in film productions, about no sharks being harmed in the making of this motion picture and I therefore have no alternative but to assume that they were and no recourse but to write to you personally to express my unhappiness at this state of affairs.
Yours sincerely.
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Mr Broccoli
I have received no reply to my letter of two months ago and am concerned not to have received a response within that time period. I must ask you to pay heed to my missives.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Mr Broccoli
It has now been six months since I initially wrote to you with regard to the treatment of sharks in your most recent motion picture production. I am most saddened that you have not seen fit to reply to my messages and my concerns.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
A thousand apologies that you have not received a reply to your earlier letters. I had instructed my daughter Barbara to reply immediately, but unfortunately she would appear to have a different concept of the word “immediately” to what you or I may believe. Honestly, that girl does not have any concept of what other people may be wanting or the time frame within which they might want it. Sometimes I think one may have to wait years for her to do something. And years.
However, I can assure you that no sharks whatsoever were harmed during the making of the film concerned. It was indeed the same shark in both scenes you mention, and at no point was it fed with any human being or bitten by a steel-toothed giant. This is only special effects. Thank you for your interest in Eon Productions.
Yours sincerely
A. R. Broccoli
🤣🤣🤣
I wondered where all this was going 😂🤣👏
Thank you very much, guys. I think that's enough from A. Snowflake (Miss), at least for the time being but along related lines....
Written by Number 24 and Barbel
1971. Las Vegas. James Bond is playing craps in a casino when a buxom young lady appears next to him.
Buxom Young Lady: Hi. I'm Ladyflower.
Bond: But of courshe you are.
Ladyflower: Ladyflower Plentyful.
Bond: Named after your mother, no doubt.
Ladyflower: Would you like some help?
Bond: Maybe later. I'm jusht glad you're not called Plenty O'Boobiesh, or shome sheperate shimilar shexisht shobriquet.
Ladyflower: Of course. Such names are demeaning to womankind and do not represent us fairly in today's world.
Bond: Indeed. and no doubt you are exshpecting me to invite you to engage in carefree shexual intercourshe with no responsibilitiesh involved.
Ladyflower: Well, I-
Bond: Perhapsh you think that I am at heart a shexisht or even mishogynishtic outdated dinoshaur, due to often inaccurate impresshionsh of my character owing to shuperfishial knowledge, rumoursh, and undishguishedly biashed dialoguesh.
Ladyflower: You know, I-
Bond: Whereash in fact I wish to engage you in frank, shensitive conversationsh to encourage you to open up and share.
Ladyflower: You silver-tongued devil, let's go to your hotel room at once and have wild rampant sex till we can take no more.
Bond: Well, if you inshisht.
Ladyflower: Do you have protection?
Bond: Of courshe! Have a look at thish. (He reaches into his pocket. Ladyflower audibly gasps.) No, no, thish is not a “Carry On” film. Look.
(Bond has produced a long legal document. It’s been folded carefully but is still creased, suggesting that he carries it with him everywhere.)
Bond: It’sh merely a shtandard form which you have to shign to indicate that you are of legal age to engage in shexual intercourshe with the party of the firsht part- that’sh me- of free will, shign here, with a shober mind, shign there ,and under no presshure, shign there, thish lasht one. Three shignaturesh. Now, two independent witnesshesh- how about you shir? And madam?
(Bond grabsh, er, grabs, two passers-by)
Bond: Jusht shign here … and here … Now, Ladyflower, I’m fully protected- let’sh go to my room!
That’s fantastic 🤣 very clever…👏🏻
Thank you, Sir M! 😊
Carry on regardless, gents, more, please 😂🤣
And thank you too, CHB. I see you noticed the "Carry On" reference. 😉
1956
COMMANDER JAMAICA
Jamaica, Morgan’s Harbour. A sleek thirty-foot yacht sits moored safely to one side. The owner, a tall dark-haired man with a scar down one cheek, yawns as he prepares his morning coffee- Blue Mountain, the most delicious in the world- along with scrambled eggs and bacon. His peace is abruptly disturbed by a disembodied voice.
Voice: Gunn? Are you there?
(Stifling a groan, Commander James Gunn puts down his coffee and listens to the voice from the hidden loudspeaker.)
James: I’m here, Admiral. As you knew I’d be.
Admiral: Good. It’s time for your report.
James: But of course, sir. My treasure hunt cover seems to be fraying at the edges. Yesterday I was attacked by a gang of Chigroes-
Admiral: A gang of who?
James: Chinese Negroes, sir. I was lucky not to have my throat cut. Glad I had my gun with me.
Admiral: Not that damned Beretta, I hope.
James: No, of course not, sir. The Walther PPK just like you said. Also, my assistant Joe Friday nearly came to a sudden end between the crushers of one of the bauxite plants.
Admiral: Did he catch who was behind it?
James: No, he’s dead. Joe and he had a bit of a quarrel.
Admiral: Well, you better get a move on. The Americans are keen to know who’s been trying to deflect the course of their missiles from Cape Canaveral.
James: I’ve got a lead that might help us with that, sir. I’m wanting to investigate what’s going on on a small island off Jamaica.
Admiral: The sooner the better.
James: Joe and I will be departing when dusk falls tonight.
Admiral: Right then. Oh, by the way, what’s the name of this island?
James: It’s called Crab Key.
Acknowledgements to John Pearson for providing the story of this unproduced television pilot written by Fleming in his book “The Life Of Ian Fleming”. I’ve taken one or two liberties with those details, of course.
The Barbellian tentacles have now even discovered the long lost teleplay - you’re worthy of Mr. Holmes, sir! 😁👏
We have been digging deep, lovely 👏🏻
if the series were a success it could have a spinoff about his cousin the bigcity private eye. then they could argue about who had the hipper theme song
Thank you all very much, and @caractacus potts we all know who has the hipper theme tune. 😉
1954. Pan Books, Publishers. Ian Fleming enters.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Mr Fleming.
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Have a seat. Care for a cup of tea?
(Fleming stares at him in astonishment.)
Publisher: Oh that’s right, you call it “a cup of mud”, don’t you?
Fleming: I do indeed.
Publisher: Then perhaps … Oh, I know: three measures of gin, one of vodka-
Fleming: Never mind, I’ll just have a cup of coffee.
(The Publisher raises an eyebrow.)
Publisher: Are you sure?
Fleming: Of course not, I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Would you like me to give you the recipe again? Three measures of-
Publisher: (Hastily.) No, no, that’s all right, I remember.
(He moves to the drinks cabinet and begins mixing.)
Publisher: Now, what was it you wanted to see us about?
Fleming: It’s this.
(He produces a paperback book and puts it down on the desk.)
Publisher: Ah yes, “Live And Let Die”. It just came out last week.
Fleming: Exactly. Look at it!
Publisher: What’s wrong?
Fleming: What’s wrong? This chap here on the cover – who on Earth decided he looked like James Bond?
Publisher: Well, I thought -
Fleming: And the girl – that’s meant to be Solitaire, is it?
Publisher: Yes, that’s who it is.
Fleming: That’s who it most certainly is not. I believe I provided a description of her in the book.
Publisher: Well, you-
Fleming: In Chapter 7.
Publisher: You may have-
Fleming: “Mister Big”.
Publisher: (Confused.) What?
Fleming: “Mister Big”. That’s what Chapter 7 is called.
Publisher: Oh, right. Well, if you don’t like that cover what about this one?
Fleming: Oh good Lord, that’s worse! And who’s the one who thinks he’s James Bond? He looks like David Niven without a moustache!
Publisher: Actually, that’s one of our chief executives.
Fleming: Well, I don’t like it.
Publisher: Get used to it, Mr Fleming. He’s one of our chief executives and his picture is going to be on the cover of your books for some time to come.
Fleming: What happened to this fellow? Can’t you get him back?
Publisher: You complained about him as well, if I recall correctly. Said he looked like an American film star.
Fleming: I did, until the sales figures came in!
That DOES sound like Fleming 🤣🤣🤣
That’s so good, Barbel , and I see shades of Gary Cooper not David Niven 😁
I had collectors not just wanting every cover but every printing as well!
Yes, even Mr. Fleming was seduced by the lure of pound notes.
Thank you, @Sir Miles and @CoolHandBond. CHB, I can see a bit of Gary Cooper there but whoever it is, I don't see James Bond!