2019. The Williams household. Tam is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, His worried partner looks on concernedly.
Partner: Oh sit down, Tam, why don’t you?
Tam: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Partner: Just try and relax.
Tam: Relax? I can’t relax!
Partner: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Tam: I can’t drink tea at a time like this!
Partner: What do you mean, “a time like this”? Nothing is happening.
Tam: That’s just it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Partner: But-
Tam: Michael and Barbara should be calling me right now!
Partner: Michael and Barbara? Since when were you on first name terms with those two?
Tam: Well….
Partner: I remember back when you were in “Spectre” it was Mr Wilson this and Ms Broccoli that, and now you’re calling them Michael and Barbara?
Tam: Only to you, I’d never call them that to their faces.
Partner: Anyway, why should they be phoning you? You only worked for one day on the previous James Bond film.
Tam: Ah, but I’ve heard a lot of rumours about this new one.
Partner: What’s it called, then?
Tam: Well, they don’t have a title yet. But I have heard, from a most highly trusted source, enough details about the plot to be sure that they will definitely want me back.
Partner: So, go on then.
Tam: Right. I have been told that one of the major running characters will have a child.
Partner: A boy or a girl?
Tam: A girl- and she’s to be called Mathilde.
Partner: Mathilde, I see. Nice name. And which of the major running characters is this?
Tam: Moneypenny.
Partner: Moneypenny? Are you sure?
Tam: Yes, they’re trying to keep it secret, and in the plot of the film she keeps it secret as well until the kid meets the father she never knew she had and who never knew he had a daughter.
Partner: And that is ….?
Tam: Me, of course! I played Moneypenny’s boyfriend in “Spectre”, remember? I’m in her bed while she’s talking to James Bond on the phone.
Partner: So, you think they will have this big scene where you meet Moneypenny’s child and realise that she’s also your child because you were in her bed in the previous movie?
Tam: Yes, of course!
Partner: Now, Tam, listen carefully, I’m just asking- are you sure this information is correct?
(Tam stops his pacing for a moment.)
Tam: Yes, of course it is.
Partner: And your “most highly trusted source” is….?
Tam: I got some of it from a guy in the pub and the rest was in the “Daily Mail”. Of course, they didn’t name which of the characters would be the parents but I was easily able to work that out.
Partner: Right…. (Sighs heavily.) So, cup of tea then?
Tam: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Monday- Went to see Broccoli & Saltzman this morning, hoping to arrange a joint production deal with them. After all, I have the rights to “Casino Royale” and they have Sean Connery under contract. Very disappointing. Basically they said that they had just finished a joint production deal with Kevin McClory
on “Thunderball” and they weren’t interested in doing another one. I warned them that I would go it alone and they would regret this, but they said they were sure it was me who would regret it.
Tuesday- Asked Sean Connery if he would play James Bond in my version of “Casino Royale”. He said sure, if I paid him a million pounds. I laughed, although I wasn’t sure if he was joking. Signed David Niven up to play James Bond.
Asked John Huston to direct. He said yes, if he could play M as well. I said yes. He then said he wanted to play M wearing a red wig. I think he was pushing to see how much I wanted him to direct, but I still said yes. Ordered the inside of an Indian temple to be built. Signed up Orson Welles and William Holden. Need to find a 1930s Bentley.
Wednesday- Signed Peter Sellers up to play James Bond.
Asked Val Guest to direct. Ordered a full size model of a flying saucer, to land in Trafalgar Square, and one Scottish Highland castle complete with piper. Make that an entire pipe band. And lions, mustn’t forget lions. And a milk float. Signed up Charles Boyer and Deborah Kerr. Sellers insisted that he get to drive a racing car, so I bought one.
Thursday- Signed Woody Allen up to play James Bond.
Asked Ken Hughes to direct. Ordered twenty skydiving Cowboys & Indians, sixteen highlanders, and fourteen beautiful young actresses. Then changed my mind, made that sixteen. And one London taxi. And a dwarf, of course, for the Q Branch scenes below Harrods. Signed up George Raft. And the Frankenstein Monster, obviously.
Friday- Signed Ursula Andress up to play James Bond.
Asked Robert Parrish to direct. Ordered another eighteen beautiful young actresses. Must remember to make sure they’re not allergic to gold paint. And have to build the interior of a casino, of course. Can’t leave that out. Better have the exterior of one ready as well, just to be sure. Beginning to wish I had paid Connery that million pounds.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,392Chief of Staff
It would have been FAR cheaper to hire Connery at a million pounds 🤣
Don’t forget the 8 scriptwriters too 😳 can you imagine Joseph Heller turning in his script only to be asked by Feldman -
“Where are the clapping seals with the 007 tags round their necks? Come on, Joseph…are you trying to make me look stupid?” 😆
Monday- Signed Terence Cooper to play James Bond. No idea who he was, just signed him anyway.
Wolf Mankowitz turned in his first draft of the script. It looked solid, and was clear and understandable. Sacked him on the spot, obviously.
Tuesday- Signed Daliah Lavi to play James Bond.
Well, officially she’ll be called The Detainer but who cares what someone that good looking gets called? Asked Joe Heller to show me what he had so far for the script. Was shocked. I asked him, “Where are the clapping seals with the 007 tags round their necks? Come on, Joseph…are you trying to make me look stupid?” He went away muttering something about putting me in his next book if I wasn’t careful.
Wednesday- Signed Barbara Bouchet to play James Bond.
She’s also Miss Moneypenny so I’ve saved a bit there, getting two for the price of one. Woody Allen has insisted on writing his own lines for the scenes he’s in. I asked him why, and he said that he’d never seen such a pile of crap as the script he was supposed to follow. I told him I was surprised, since he’d written “What’s New Pussycat?”. Ordered one pissoir, a pair of braces, and a black rose.
Thursday- Asked David Niven to play James Bond. He pointed out that I’d already signed him, but said if I wanted to pay him twice that was okay with him.
Burt Bacharach let me hear some of the music he’d written so far. Was taken aback- it’s excellent. If I’m not careful it will be the best thing about this movie. Ordered a flying roulette wheel, a bowler hat with a gun in it, and a Toulouse Lautrec costume.
Friday- Signed Joanna Pettet to play James Bond.
Technically she’ll be playing James Bond’s daughter but it’s close enough. I think this is a great idea, and Eon would never come up with this one. I mean, she’s Bond’s daughter and she gets kidnapped by the villains and he obviously needs to go get her. Bond, who’s had to come out of a self-imposed retirement, will kill the bad guy but he’ll also get killed himself. Ha! It’s such a dumb idea, there’s no way Broccoli & co would ever do that.
Technically she’ll be playing James Bond’s daughter but it’s close enough. I think this is a great idea, and Eon would never come up with this one. I mean, she’s Bond’s daughter and she gets kidnapped by the villains and he obviously needs to go get her. Bond, who’s had to come out of a self-imposed retirement, will kill the bad guy but he’ll also get killed himself. Ha! It’s such a dumb idea, there’s no way Broccoli & co would ever do that.
Well, there’s no way Cubby Broccoli would have agreed to that! 😂
Very good, no, very, very good! 👏
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,392Chief of Staff
Love it 👏🏻🤣
What you have written is FAR more coherent than the plot of CR67….CR67does have a plot? 🤔😳🙄🤣
Albert R. Broccoli looking at Pictures with Roger Moore in a silver Space Suit: "We cannot let this be in the Movie, He looks like a Clown! I know this production is like a big circus, but this is going too far"
Maurice Binder: "But we already decided this Look for the Poster!"
Broccoli: "It should not be in the Movie like this, give Roger one of Drax Henchman yellow Jumpsuits for the shoot and cut the scenes with the space walk!"
Lewis Gilbert:" We can shoot with this style, but we have not yellow Jumpsuits tailored for Roger- it is one size Fits all, it will be too baggy on Roger!"
Broccoli: "Nevrermind, he is not going to save the world in that silver space suit looking like a Clown- and make that Uzi Space Gun with the plumbing accessories smaller on the poster- it looks absurdly huge on the photo!"
Gilbert: "But the Nasa Astronauts had this silver look and people are used to it!"
Broccoli: " I prefer the yellow monochrome jumpsuit, heck, I wear monochrome yellow today myself- this is true fashion avante garde! It is decided, let´s have some pasta."
!955, Goldeneye Jamaica. Ian Fleming and Noel Coward while high on Benzedrine are playing Baccara in the garden. Though Friends, the stakes are pretty high.
Coward: "You know, when we were talking about how we loved Hitchcocks Flick Secret Agent, you later wrote that little popular novel Casino Royale. Clearly you were influenced by this Somerset Maugham Adapation. Spies, a Chief with a One Letter Code, Exotic locations, Love and casino Gambling."
Fleming: " Hitchcock Style of suspense is like no other, you are right. And Peter Lorre would have made a great Le Chiffre!"
Coward whistles light and sucks some air in: " I never thought of that, old chap. You are very right!
Tell me, what was that pulp I saw you reading at the beach this afternoon?"
Ian Fleming nestles with his feet in his light brown Moccasins: " Oh, those Fu Man Chu prints, they are kind of exciting- in The island of Fu Man Chu his secret base is inside a volcano. I wish I could use something like this for my Bond stories. Of course he should go by some other Name. Something Chinese."
Coward laughs and chuckles: " Something Chinese is not really great for a name!"
Fleming: " No, Noel! That is it- I am gonna call him Dr. No. That is Chinese for: Noel Coward!"
That's very kind, thank you. Sadly there's no more left to cover and who knows when the next one will be?
That's a good idea, using Coward- I'm pretty sure he hasn't been in one before. And the Somerset Maugham reference is also a first; I remember reading "Ashenden" many years ago and not enjoying it terribly much.
Albert R. Broccoli tries to take a position in the drivers seat of a white Lotus Esprit parked in front of the 007 Stage:
" I can get inside this car, but not out! Grab my Hands, Lewis!"
Lewis Gilbert comes in handy: " You are certainly a little heavier built than our hero played by Roger! If he fits the new car, we are safe!"
Albert R. Broccoli rises from the open car heavily breathing: "It is definitely not as comfortable as my Rolls. I wonder what Fleming would have thought of it? Heck, he would have loved it being a speed fan that he was! But then again his style was more class than sporty."
"Nevermind, it fits the era." Gilbert concludes: "We have to aim at a new Bond Generation and take the Teenagers of the 1970s into the boat!"
Broccoli looks into the grey sky over Pinewood Studios: "You know, what those Teenagers would love? A slide whistle like in the Man with the Golden Gun with the Astro Spiral Jump, but over the cliff to parachute skijump? I wonder if John Glen still has this same Sound Effect!"
Gilbert shakes his head: " The slide whistle- being the huge audience pleaser that it is- is John Barrys Signature. We would have to credit him!"
Broccoli slaps Gilbert gently on his arm: "You are righ!"
Gilbert points a finger to the sky: "Bond could wear during this jump to dive the yellow ski suit of 1976 Innsbruck Olympics Gold Medalist Franz Klammer!"
Broccoli applauds the director: " It is decided. Let´s have some pasta!"
2024. Eon HQ, under a car park in Hamburg. An excited Barbara comes bouncing in, to find Michael enjoying his mid-morning nap.
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Fast asleep.) … zzzz …. Yes, of course we‘re very pleased with your work, Pierce ….. No, we’d never dream of doing the same thing to you as we did to Timo-
BB: (Loud.) Michael!
MGW: (Blinking.) What? Oh yes, hello Barbara.
BB: You’ll never guess what’s happened!
MGW: Cubby’s ghost has stopped coming to you every night complaining about how long we’re taking in between Bond movies?
BB: No, silly, of course he’s still doing that.
MGW: That’s good, because Ian Fleming’s ghost is still waking me up every night, walking all around my room crying and moaning “Woe, woe, woe”.
BB: He’s done that every night since we made “No Time To Die”.
MGW: I think he’ll be doing that forever.
BB: Are you still seeing John Barry’s ghost, complaining bitterly over and over again?
MGW: Yes, and I don’t know why- “Another Way To Die” was in 2008.
BB: You’d think he’d have got over it by now.
MGW: So what is it that you’re so excited about, anyway?
BB: Guess!
MGW: Hmm, let me see. (He examines his sister’s face closely.) Your eyes are shining …. You’re practically bouncing up and down … I haven’t seen you smile so much since back in 2006 when we signed Dan… Oh, Barbara, don’t tell me you’ve talked him into doing another movie.
BB: Would I do a thing like that?
MGW: (In a fair impersonation of Britt Ekland.) Yes, you bloody well would!
BB: Well, yes, you’re right. I would and I did.
MGW: But now we need to start scouting for locations.
BB: Oh no problem, it’s Italy again.
MGW: Again?
BB: Venice to be precise.
MGW: Again???
BB: It’s part of the plot.
MGW: The plot? How can you know that when we haven’t even asked Purvis & Wade to write the script?
BB: The script’s already written, Michael.
MGW: And for how long has it been written?
BB: About four hundred years, and by a writer who might just be slightly better than Purvis & Wade.
You're quite right, of course. It should really be David Arnold's ghost, but happily that talented gentleman is still with us (and able to write more James Bond music should Eon see the light).
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,392Chief of Staff
Once again I find myself compelled to write to you over your recent motion picture production “Licence to Kill” and the treatment of the sharks therein. I was shocked to see one of these beautiful sea creatures force fed with a man’s lower leg and parts of his arm. Sharks do not naturally ingest human flesh and this could cause the animal concerned severe indigestion.
A short time later another shark, or possibly the same one, was fed another human being and this time I believe a whole one as well as an extremely large amount of paper money.
Paper money is very resistant to digestion and also contains large amounts of ink which obviously has implications for the alimentary system. Once again I did not see an onscreen disclaimer reading “No sharks were harmed in the making of this motion picture” or words to that effect, although I may have missed that since my eyes are not what they used to be. Time was when I could spot a flea on an elephant’s hide at 60 paces, but … I digress. I trust that I shall receive a reply in prompt order.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
Thank you once again for your letter. We at Eon Productions are always grateful to receive constructive advice from the public because you, after all, are our audience. I can assure you that neither Mr D. Hedison, who played the part of the man who was partially eaten by the shark, or Mr E. McGill who played the man almost completely eaten except for a little bitty piece, were fed to the shark concerned. We used a combination of special effects and camera angles to make it appear as if the shark was eating them.
I have not as yet ever fed any of my employees to a shark, although I admit that sometimes I may have felt like doing exactly that. I am a tough producer, but not that tough.
Thank you very much, as ever
A.R. Broccoli
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,392Chief of Staff
Comments
2019. The Williams household. Tam is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, His worried partner looks on concernedly.
Partner: Oh sit down, Tam, why don’t you?
Tam: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Partner: Just try and relax.
Tam: Relax? I can’t relax!
Partner: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Tam: I can’t drink tea at a time like this!
Partner: What do you mean, “a time like this”? Nothing is happening.
Tam: That’s just it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Partner: But-
Tam: Michael and Barbara should be calling me right now!
Partner: Michael and Barbara? Since when were you on first name terms with those two?
Tam: Well….
Partner: I remember back when you were in “Spectre” it was Mr Wilson this and Ms Broccoli that, and now you’re calling them Michael and Barbara?
Tam: Only to you, I’d never call them that to their faces.
Partner: Anyway, why should they be phoning you? You only worked for one day on the previous James Bond film.
Tam: Ah, but I’ve heard a lot of rumours about this new one.
Partner: What’s it called, then?
Tam: Well, they don’t have a title yet. But I have heard, from a most highly trusted source, enough details about the plot to be sure that they will definitely want me back.
Partner: So, go on then.
Tam: Right. I have been told that one of the major running characters will have a child.
Partner: A boy or a girl?
Tam: A girl- and she’s to be called Mathilde.
Partner: Mathilde, I see. Nice name. And which of the major running characters is this?
Tam: Moneypenny.
Partner: Moneypenny? Are you sure?
Tam: Yes, they’re trying to keep it secret, and in the plot of the film she keeps it secret as well until the kid meets the father she never knew she had and who never knew he had a daughter.
Partner: And that is ….?
Tam: Me, of course! I played Moneypenny’s boyfriend in “Spectre”, remember? I’m in her bed while she’s talking to James Bond on the phone.
Partner: So, you think they will have this big scene where you meet Moneypenny’s child and realise that she’s also your child because you were in her bed in the previous movie?
Tam: Yes, of course!
Partner: Now, Tam, listen carefully, I’m just asking- are you sure this information is correct?
(Tam stops his pacing for a moment.)
Tam: Yes, of course it is.
Partner: And your “most highly trusted source” is….?
Tam: I got some of it from a guy in the pub and the rest was in the “Daily Mail”. Of course, they didn’t name which of the characters would be the parents but I was easily able to work that out.
Partner: Right…. (Sighs heavily.) So, cup of tea then?
Tam: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
(He begins pacing again.)
Compared to Barbel I'd say Stasi and NSA are quite respectful to people's privacy and the surveilance laws. 😆
🤣 could have been from more stolen emails 🤣
Thanks, guys.
1967
THE DIARY OF CHARLES K. FELDMAN
Monday- Went to see Broccoli & Saltzman this morning, hoping to arrange a joint production deal with them. After all, I have the rights to “Casino Royale” and they have Sean Connery under contract. Very disappointing. Basically they said that they had just finished a joint production deal with Kevin McClory
on “Thunderball” and they weren’t interested in doing another one. I warned them that I would go it alone and they would regret this, but they said they were sure it was me who would regret it.
Tuesday- Asked Sean Connery if he would play James Bond in my version of “Casino Royale”. He said sure, if I paid him a million pounds. I laughed, although I wasn’t sure if he was joking. Signed David Niven up to play James Bond.
Asked John Huston to direct. He said yes, if he could play M as well. I said yes. He then said he wanted to play M wearing a red wig. I think he was pushing to see how much I wanted him to direct, but I still said yes. Ordered the inside of an Indian temple to be built. Signed up Orson Welles and William Holden. Need to find a 1930s Bentley.
Wednesday- Signed Peter Sellers up to play James Bond.
Asked Val Guest to direct. Ordered a full size model of a flying saucer, to land in Trafalgar Square, and one Scottish Highland castle complete with piper. Make that an entire pipe band. And lions, mustn’t forget lions. And a milk float. Signed up Charles Boyer and Deborah Kerr. Sellers insisted that he get to drive a racing car, so I bought one.
Thursday- Signed Woody Allen up to play James Bond.
Asked Ken Hughes to direct. Ordered twenty skydiving Cowboys & Indians, sixteen highlanders, and fourteen beautiful young actresses. Then changed my mind, made that sixteen. And one London taxi. And a dwarf, of course, for the Q Branch scenes below Harrods. Signed up George Raft. And the Frankenstein Monster, obviously.
Friday- Signed Ursula Andress up to play James Bond.
Asked Robert Parrish to direct. Ordered another eighteen beautiful young actresses. Must remember to make sure they’re not allergic to gold paint. And have to build the interior of a casino, of course. Can’t leave that out. Better have the exterior of one ready as well, just to be sure. Beginning to wish I had paid Connery that million pounds.
It would have been FAR cheaper to hire Connery at a million pounds 🤣
Don’t forget the 8 scriptwriters too 😳 can you imagine Joseph Heller turning in his script only to be asked by Feldman -
“Where are the clapping seals with the 007 tags round their necks? Come on, Joseph…are you trying to make me look stupid?” 😆
Well, since you said that:
THE DIARY OF CHARLES K. FELDMAN (Cont.)
Monday- Signed Terence Cooper to play James Bond. No idea who he was, just signed him anyway.
Wolf Mankowitz turned in his first draft of the script. It looked solid, and was clear and understandable. Sacked him on the spot, obviously.
Tuesday- Signed Daliah Lavi to play James Bond.
Well, officially she’ll be called The Detainer but who cares what someone that good looking gets called? Asked Joe Heller to show me what he had so far for the script. Was shocked. I asked him, “Where are the clapping seals with the 007 tags round their necks? Come on, Joseph…are you trying to make me look stupid?” He went away muttering something about putting me in his next book if I wasn’t careful.
Wednesday- Signed Barbara Bouchet to play James Bond.
She’s also Miss Moneypenny so I’ve saved a bit there, getting two for the price of one. Woody Allen has insisted on writing his own lines for the scenes he’s in. I asked him why, and he said that he’d never seen such a pile of crap as the script he was supposed to follow. I told him I was surprised, since he’d written “What’s New Pussycat?”. Ordered one pissoir, a pair of braces, and a black rose.
Thursday- Asked David Niven to play James Bond. He pointed out that I’d already signed him, but said if I wanted to pay him twice that was okay with him.
Burt Bacharach let me hear some of the music he’d written so far. Was taken aback- it’s excellent. If I’m not careful it will be the best thing about this movie. Ordered a flying roulette wheel, a bowler hat with a gun in it, and a Toulouse Lautrec costume.
Friday- Signed Joanna Pettet to play James Bond.
Technically she’ll be playing James Bond’s daughter but it’s close enough. I think this is a great idea, and Eon would never come up with this one. I mean, she’s Bond’s daughter and she gets kidnapped by the villains and he obviously needs to go get her. Bond, who’s had to come out of a self-imposed retirement, will kill the bad guy but he’ll also get killed himself. Ha! It’s such a dumb idea, there’s no way Broccoli & co would ever do that.
Technically she’ll be playing James Bond’s daughter but it’s close enough. I think this is a great idea, and Eon would never come up with this one. I mean, she’s Bond’s daughter and she gets kidnapped by the villains and he obviously needs to go get her. Bond, who’s had to come out of a self-imposed retirement, will kill the bad guy but he’ll also get killed himself. Ha! It’s such a dumb idea, there’s no way Broccoli & co would ever do that.
Well, there’s no way Cubby Broccoli would have agreed to that! 😂
Very good, no, very, very good! 👏
Love it 👏🏻🤣
What you have written is FAR more coherent than the plot of CR67….CR67 does have a plot? 🤔😳🙄🤣
1979, Pinewood Studios.
Albert R. Broccoli looking at Pictures with Roger Moore in a silver Space Suit: "We cannot let this be in the Movie, He looks like a Clown! I know this production is like a big circus, but this is going too far"
Maurice Binder: "But we already decided this Look for the Poster!"
Broccoli: "It should not be in the Movie like this, give Roger one of Drax Henchman yellow Jumpsuits for the shoot and cut the scenes with the space walk!"
Lewis Gilbert:" We can shoot with this style, but we have not yellow Jumpsuits tailored for Roger- it is one size Fits all, it will be too baggy on Roger!"
Broccoli: "Nevrermind, he is not going to save the world in that silver space suit looking like a Clown- and make that Uzi Space Gun with the plumbing accessories smaller on the poster- it looks absurdly huge on the photo!"
Gilbert: "But the Nasa Astronauts had this silver look and people are used to it!"
Broccoli: " I prefer the yellow monochrome jumpsuit, heck, I wear monochrome yellow today myself- this is true fashion avante garde! It is decided, let´s have some pasta."
😄😄😄 That's funny, Xando, please write another one!
!955, Goldeneye Jamaica. Ian Fleming and Noel Coward while high on Benzedrine are playing Baccara in the garden. Though Friends, the stakes are pretty high.
Coward: "You know, when we were talking about how we loved Hitchcocks Flick Secret Agent, you later wrote that little popular novel Casino Royale. Clearly you were influenced by this Somerset Maugham Adapation. Spies, a Chief with a One Letter Code, Exotic locations, Love and casino Gambling."
Fleming: " Hitchcock Style of suspense is like no other, you are right. And Peter Lorre would have made a great Le Chiffre!"
Coward whistles light and sucks some air in: " I never thought of that, old chap. You are very right!
Tell me, what was that pulp I saw you reading at the beach this afternoon?"
Ian Fleming nestles with his feet in his light brown Moccasins: " Oh, those Fu Man Chu prints, they are kind of exciting- in The island of Fu Man Chu his secret base is inside a volcano. I wish I could use something like this for my Bond stories. Of course he should go by some other Name. Something Chinese."
Coward laughs and chuckles: " Something Chinese is not really great for a name!"
Fleming: " No, Noel! That is it- I am gonna call him Dr. No. That is Chinese for: Noel Coward!"
Thank you, Barbel, I really enjoy your scripts as well especially when you are channeling the Queen at Royal Screenings. That is just hilarious!
That's very kind, thank you. Sadly there's no more left to cover and who knows when the next one will be?
That's a good idea, using Coward- I'm pretty sure he hasn't been in one before. And the Somerset Maugham reference is also a first; I remember reading "Ashenden" many years ago and not enjoying it terribly much.
I look forward to morw imaginary conversations, Xando! Great work!!
Well done, Xando…it’s nice to read others adding in here…👏🏻
Thank you both very much. I think that's enough CR67 for a while. And I also think that thanks to @Xando I can award myself a day off today! 😀
Thank you for your nice response!
This is such an awesome community.
P.S.: Hitchcocks Secet Agent is on youtube, saw it only a week ago. Check it out!
1976, Pinewood Studios.
Albert R. Broccoli tries to take a position in the drivers seat of a white Lotus Esprit parked in front of the 007 Stage:
" I can get inside this car, but not out! Grab my Hands, Lewis!"
Lewis Gilbert comes in handy: " You are certainly a little heavier built than our hero played by Roger! If he fits the new car, we are safe!"
Albert R. Broccoli rises from the open car heavily breathing: "It is definitely not as comfortable as my Rolls. I wonder what Fleming would have thought of it? Heck, he would have loved it being a speed fan that he was! But then again his style was more class than sporty."
"Nevermind, it fits the era." Gilbert concludes: "We have to aim at a new Bond Generation and take the Teenagers of the 1970s into the boat!"
Broccoli looks into the grey sky over Pinewood Studios: "You know, what those Teenagers would love? A slide whistle like in the Man with the Golden Gun with the Astro Spiral Jump, but over the cliff to parachute skijump? I wonder if John Glen still has this same Sound Effect!"
Gilbert shakes his head: " The slide whistle- being the huge audience pleaser that it is- is John Barrys Signature. We would have to credit him!"
Broccoli slaps Gilbert gently on his arm: "You are righ!"
Gilbert points a finger to the sky: "Bond could wear during this jump to dive the yellow ski suit of 1976 Innsbruck Olympics Gold Medalist Franz Klammer!"
Broccoli applauds the director: " It is decided. Let´s have some pasta!"
" It is decided. Let´s have some pasta!"
I can see this becoming your punchline @Xando good stuff 👏🍻
"Leave the car, grab the pasta"?
Very good, Xando 🤣
Yes, I enjoyed that too @Xando, and more pasta please!
2024. Eon HQ, under a car park in Hamburg. An excited Barbara comes bouncing in, to find Michael enjoying his mid-morning nap.
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Fast asleep.) … zzzz …. Yes, of course we‘re very pleased with your work, Pierce ….. No, we’d never dream of doing the same thing to you as we did to Timo-
BB: (Loud.) Michael!
MGW: (Blinking.) What? Oh yes, hello Barbara.
BB: You’ll never guess what’s happened!
MGW: Cubby’s ghost has stopped coming to you every night complaining about how long we’re taking in between Bond movies?
BB: No, silly, of course he’s still doing that.
MGW: That’s good, because Ian Fleming’s ghost is still waking me up every night, walking all around my room crying and moaning “Woe, woe, woe”.
BB: He’s done that every night since we made “No Time To Die”.
MGW: I think he’ll be doing that forever.
BB: Are you still seeing John Barry’s ghost, complaining bitterly over and over again?
MGW: Yes, and I don’t know why- “Another Way To Die” was in 2008.
BB: You’d think he’d have got over it by now.
MGW: So what is it that you’re so excited about, anyway?
BB: Guess!
MGW: Hmm, let me see. (He examines his sister’s face closely.) Your eyes are shining …. You’re practically bouncing up and down … I haven’t seen you smile so much since back in 2006 when we signed Dan… Oh, Barbara, don’t tell me you’ve talked him into doing another movie.
BB: Would I do a thing like that?
MGW: (In a fair impersonation of Britt Ekland.) Yes, you bloody well would!
BB: Well, yes, you’re right. I would and I did.
MGW: But now we need to start scouting for locations.
BB: Oh no problem, it’s Italy again.
MGW: Again?
BB: Venice to be precise.
MGW: Again???
BB: It’s part of the plot.
MGW: The plot? How can you know that when we haven’t even asked Purvis & Wade to write the script?
BB: The script’s already written, Michael.
MGW: And for how long has it been written?
BB: About four hundred years, and by a writer who might just be slightly better than Purvis & Wade.
Daniel Craig to Star in ‘Othello' — Set During Iraq War — World of Reel
That’s about right 👀🤣
Apart from John Barry’s ghost of course 😏👀🤣
You're quite right, of course. It should really be David Arnold's ghost, but happily that talented gentleman is still with us (and able to write more James Bond music should Eon see the light).
😏
🤣
1989.
Dear Mr Broccoli
Once again I find myself compelled to write to you over your recent motion picture production “Licence to Kill” and the treatment of the sharks therein. I was shocked to see one of these beautiful sea creatures force fed with a man’s lower leg and parts of his arm. Sharks do not naturally ingest human flesh and this could cause the animal concerned severe indigestion.
A short time later another shark, or possibly the same one, was fed another human being and this time I believe a whole one as well as an extremely large amount of paper money.
Paper money is very resistant to digestion and also contains large amounts of ink which obviously has implications for the alimentary system. Once again I did not see an onscreen disclaimer reading “No sharks were harmed in the making of this motion picture” or words to that effect, although I may have missed that since my eyes are not what they used to be. Time was when I could spot a flea on an elephant’s hide at 60 paces, but … I digress. I trust that I shall receive a reply in prompt order.
Yours sincerely
A. Snowflake (Miss)
Dear Miss Snowflake
Thank you once again for your letter. We at Eon Productions are always grateful to receive constructive advice from the public because you, after all, are our audience. I can assure you that neither Mr D. Hedison, who played the part of the man who was partially eaten by the shark, or Mr E. McGill who played the man almost completely eaten except for a little bitty piece, were fed to the shark concerned. We used a combination of special effects and camera angles to make it appear as if the shark was eating them.
I have not as yet ever fed any of my employees to a shark, although I admit that sometimes I may have felt like doing exactly that. I am a tough producer, but not that tough.
Thank you very much, as ever
A.R. Broccoli
🤣
Thank you as always, Sir M.
Lunchtime
Barbel: That looks delicious, my love. I like quiche.
Bride Of Barbel: I just put things in we had lying around. Some broccoli, tomatoes, cheese...
Barbel: So, it's a quiche de cabinet then?
Bride: Well I suppose you could say that.... Why are you giggling like a schoolboy?