1967. The Dawson household. Anthony is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried wife looks on in concern.
Mrs Dawson: Oh sit down, Anthony, why don’t you?
Anthony: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Dawson: Just try and relax.
Anthony: Relax? How can I relax?
Mrs Dawson: Just come here and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and -
Anthony: A nice cup of tea? How can I think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this?
Mrs Dawson: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Anthony: That’s just it. Nothing is happening. That phone should be ringing!
Mrs Dawson: But why?
Anthony: Haven’t you noticed they’re making a new James Bond film right now?
Mrs Dawson: Yes, of course. “Casino Royale”, I think it’s called.
Anthony: Not that one – a real James Bond movie! “You Only Live Twice”.
Mrs Dawson: Well, what makes you think you should be in it?
Anthony: Because Blofeld is in it, and this time we get to see his face!
Mrs Dawson: Ah, right. You played Blofeld in the previous movie, although the audience didn’t get to see your face.
Anthony: That’s right, and in “From Russia With Love” as well.
Mrs Dawson: So … this time the audience do get to see Blofeld’s face, and you think it should be your face that they see.
Anthony: Of course! It has to be me!
Mrs Dawson: But, my love, the audience has already seen your face.
Anthony: Huh?
Mrs Dawson: In “Dr No”, you played Professor Dent, remember?
Anthony: Well, yes.
Mrs Dawson: I don’t see them hiring an actor who has already played a prominent part in one of their James Bond films to return and this time play their most important villain, Blofeld.
Anthony: Well, if you put it that way ….
Mrs Dawson: Yes, darling. Now sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Anthony: I suppose you’re right. They wouldn’t have an actor play a noticeable part in one film, then return as Blofeld a couple of films later.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,793Chief of Staff
Tsai: What are you standing there grinning like a Cheshire cat for?
Partner: Me? I don’t know what you’re -
Tsai: Yes, you do. I know that look! What are you up to?
Partner: I’m not up to anything, but … Listen, you remember when you were in that James Bond film all those years ago?
Tsai: “You Only Live Twice”, yes of course I remember.
Partner: And then a couple of years later when they were making the next one you were very hopeful of being called back?
Tsai: Of course – there were a lot of beautiful girls from all over the world gathered together on top of a Swiss Alp, I wanted to be one of them.
Partner: I remember you walking back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone in case Cubby Broccoli rang.
Tsai: (Sighing.) But it wasn’t to be.
Partner: And then a few years after that there was another James Bond movie set in the East and you were hoping to get a part in that.
Tsai: “The Man With The Golden Gun”. I was wanting to be Chew Mee, and invite James Bond to swim with me without wearing anything.
Partner: A shame, you’d have been very good in that part.
Tsai: I even asked my old friend Christopher Lee, whose daughter I had played in forty-seven Fu Manchu movies, if he could get me the part but he said there was nothing he could do.
Partner: Yes, I know.
Tsai: Well, what’s this all about, anyway?
Partner: While you were out, the phone went. It was Barbara Broccoli, Cubby’s daughter.
Tsai: Yes????
Partner: They’re making a new James Bond film, it’s called “Casino Royale”, and she wanted to know if you’d like to be in it.
Tsai: Well??? What did you say???!!!
Partner: I said I wasn’t sure if you would do it and -
Tsai: What? Are you kidding me?
Partner: Of course I’m kidding you! I said yes. She said you’ve to turn up at Pinewood Studios on Monday morning at 09.00.
Up in Double O Heaven. Vic Flick arrives, guitar case in hand.
John Barry: Vic! There you are!
Derek Watkins: Hi there, mate. Been a long time.
Vic: Hello guys.
John: Come over here, with us.
Vic: I’m new to this, you know. What happens now?
Derek: Just come with us, you’ll see.
(They lead him through a celestial door into what seems to be a reproduction of CTS Studios, down in London. The rest of the band shout greetings at Vic.)
Vic: Hello guys, nice to see you all again.
John: Just get your guitar out, Vic, and sit in your usual seat …. That’s it. Chops, got your trumpet?
Derek: Of course.
John: Then you take your seat as well.
Vic: But John, there’s no music. What are we going to play?
John: You know what we’re going to play, Vic. The only tune it could be.
27th November 2024. Aston Martin HQ. The CEO is in his office when his son comes in.
Son: Hi Dad, I was thinking – Oh no, don’t do that!
(The son rushes over and takes the noose from around his father’s neck.)
Son: For God’s sake, Dad, what are you doing?
CEO: The only thing I can do.
(He reaches into the desk drawer, pulls out a Walther PPK (of course) and aims it at his temple. His son quickly wrests it from him.)
Son: Dad, stop this!
CEO: Haven’t you seen our latest figures? We’re doomed, I tell you, doomed!
Son: It’s only a blip, our sales are bound to pick up again.
CEO: Are they, though? Don’t you remember what I’ve always tried to tell you?
Son: Of course. “Make the cars more expensive all the time so our profits go up.”
CEO: No, the other one.
Son: Er … “Make the cars cheaper so our sales go up?”
CEO: No, of course not- why would we do that? I mean the other one.
Son: Oh yes – “Our sales go up every time James Bond drives an Aston Martin in one of his films.”
CEO: That’s the one. And he hasn’t driven one for years – years, I tell you!
Son: He drove one in his last film.
CEO: Exactly.
Son: Well, can’t we persuade them to move a little faster? Maybe write them a pleading letter?
CEO: They’re completely immune to pleading letters – didn’t you see that last film they made where they killed most of the regular characters? Or, come to think of it, the one before that as well where Blofeld is James Bond’s … ugh … brother?
Son: Couldn’t we give them a gift of an Aston Martin?
CEO: Barbara Broccoli has four in her garage. Michael Wilson has seven.
Son: How come he has seven?
CEO: He’s been doing it longer.
(He reaches for a bottle labelled “Poison” but his son is too quick.)
Son: Now, Dad, stop doing that. I happen to know that our sales are bound to go up, and very soon.
I had a Jag XJS for over 20 years, best car I ever had. But no amount of pretty girls draped over bonnets would have ever influenced me to buy one, I bought it because I liked the shape and the engine and the comfort. Would I not buy a Jag because it was advertised by a transsexual (or whatever)? Surely only an idiot would cut off their nose to spite their face? What I’m trying to say is that nothing, or nobody, could ever influence me to buy, or not buy, a product. I laugh at these so-called “influencers” - and laugh even more at anyone who takes any notice of them.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
1989. Set of “Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade”. Steven Spielberg is preparing to shoot the first scene.
Spielberg: All right – lights, are you ready?
Lighting: All ready here, Steven.
Spielberg: Sound?
Sound: Okay to go.
Spielberg: Harrison, you okay there?
Harrison Ford: (In full Indiana Jones gear.) Say the word, Steven.
Spielberg: Right then … hey, where’s Connery?
(Sean Connery walks up behind him.)
Sean: That’sh Mishter Connery to you, shunshine.
Spielberg: Oh, yes, of course. Now are you ready to … er, what are you wearing there, Sea – I mean, Mr Connery?
Sean: (Looking down at his flowing brown robe with attached hood.) Why, I’m wearing jusht the shame as Shir Alec was wearing.
Spielberg: Shir, I mean, Sir Alec?
Sean: Shir Alec Guinnessh, of course. Where do I get one of thoshe fanshy flashing shwordsh?
Spielberg: Mr Connery, what gave you the idea that you’ll be playing Obi Wan Kenobi?
Sean: Lucash, of courshe. George Lucash. He ashked me if I wanted to be in the latesht inshtalment of hish very shuccesshful sheriesh of filmsh. Shaid that I would be playing the father of the hero. Funny, I had onshe been told that the big bad guy with the shtrong cashe of ashthma and wearing all black armour wash the hero’sh dad but that showsh you how much I know.
Spielberg: But Mr Connery, this isn’t “Star Wars”!
Sean: Oh very funny, er.. what wash your name again?
Spielberg: (Probably the most successful and recognisable film director in the world at this point.) Steven Spielberg.
Sean: Oh yesh, Shpielberg. You did that movie about the shark, didn’t you?
Spielberg: “Jaws”, yes, that was me.
Sean: I don’t shee what that hash to do with outer spashe, but never mind.
Spielberg: Look, this isn’t outer space and it isn’t “Star Wars”.
Sean: You don’t fool me – that’sh Han Sholo over there, ishn’t it? Now where’sh Luke and the robotsh?
Spielberg: We’re not doing “Star Wars”!
Sean: Look, I’ll jusht go and have a sh!t down while you think about it.
(He wanders off. George Lucas appears shortly afterwards.)
Lucas: Hi Steven, how goes it?
Spielberg: It isn’t going at all! I can’t work with that man!
Lucas: Connery? All right, I’ll make a few phone calls – see if I can get Roger Moore instead.
Spielberg: (Aghast.) Roger Moore????
Lucas: Of course – he’s got plenty experience playing a part that was meant for Sean Connery.
Comments
1967. The Dawson household. Anthony is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried wife looks on in concern.
Mrs Dawson: Oh sit down, Anthony, why don’t you?
Anthony: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Dawson: Just try and relax.
Anthony: Relax? How can I relax?
Mrs Dawson: Just come here and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and -
Anthony: A nice cup of tea? How can I think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this?
Mrs Dawson: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Anthony: That’s just it. Nothing is happening. That phone should be ringing!
Mrs Dawson: But why?
Anthony: Haven’t you noticed they’re making a new James Bond film right now?
Mrs Dawson: Yes, of course. “Casino Royale”, I think it’s called.
Anthony: Not that one – a real James Bond movie! “You Only Live Twice”.
Mrs Dawson: Well, what makes you think you should be in it?
Anthony: Because Blofeld is in it, and this time we get to see his face!
Mrs Dawson: Ah, right. You played Blofeld in the previous movie, although the audience didn’t get to see your face.
Anthony: That’s right, and in “From Russia With Love” as well.
Mrs Dawson: So … this time the audience do get to see Blofeld’s face, and you think it should be your face that they see.
Anthony: Of course! It has to be me!
Mrs Dawson: But, my love, the audience has already seen your face.
Anthony: Huh?
Mrs Dawson: In “Dr No”, you played Professor Dent, remember?
Anthony: Well, yes.
Mrs Dawson: I don’t see them hiring an actor who has already played a prominent part in one of their James Bond films to return and this time play their most important villain, Blofeld.
Anthony: Well, if you put it that way ….
Mrs Dawson: Yes, darling. Now sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Anthony: I suppose you’re right. They wouldn’t have an actor play a noticeable part in one film, then return as Blofeld a couple of films later.
🤣👏🏻 marvellous
Excellent 😂👏
Thank you, guys. I'm still working with the team on this year's Christmas Special so taking a pause from regular posts here.
2006. Tsai Chin comes home.
Tsai: Hello, honey, I’m home.
Partner: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Tsai: What are you standing there grinning like a Cheshire cat for?
Partner: Me? I don’t know what you’re -
Tsai: Yes, you do. I know that look! What are you up to?
Partner: I’m not up to anything, but … Listen, you remember when you were in that James Bond film all those years ago?
Tsai: “You Only Live Twice”, yes of course I remember.
Partner: And then a couple of years later when they were making the next one you were very hopeful of being called back?
Tsai: Of course – there were a lot of beautiful girls from all over the world gathered together on top of a Swiss Alp, I wanted to be one of them.
Partner: I remember you walking back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone in case Cubby Broccoli rang.
Tsai: (Sighing.) But it wasn’t to be.
Partner: And then a few years after that there was another James Bond movie set in the East and you were hoping to get a part in that.
Tsai: “The Man With The Golden Gun”. I was wanting to be Chew Mee, and invite James Bond to swim with me without wearing anything.
Partner: A shame, you’d have been very good in that part.
Tsai: I even asked my old friend Christopher Lee, whose daughter I had played in forty-seven Fu Manchu movies, if he could get me the part but he said there was nothing he could do.
Partner: Yes, I know.
Tsai: Well, what’s this all about, anyway?
Partner: While you were out, the phone went. It was Barbara Broccoli, Cubby’s daughter.
Tsai: Yes????
Partner: They’re making a new James Bond film, it’s called “Casino Royale”, and she wanted to know if you’d like to be in it.
Tsai: Well??? What did you say???!!!
Partner: I said I wasn’t sure if you would do it and -
Tsai: What? Are you kidding me?
Partner: Of course I’m kidding you! I said yes. She said you’ve to turn up at Pinewood Studios on Monday morning at 09.00.
Tsai: Darling !!!!!!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Tsai: Just you come with me …
Partner: Why, where are we going?
Tsai: Darling, I give you very best f*ck.
😂🤣👏 Marvellous!
nice to see one of these pacing up and down beside the phone sketches finally have a happy ending
so whats the ratio of frustrated phone pacers versus satisfied phone pacers in these sketches? about 128 to 1?
🤭🤣 excellent as always 😁
You give very best pacing, Barbel.
Thank you very much, guys.
2006. Eon costume department. Barbara Broccoli is discussing an item of James Bond’s wear with costume designer Lindy Hemming.
BB: … and next we have to select what Daniel, I mean James, will be wearing when he comes out of the water.
Lindy: Yes, that’s right. If you look here, I was thinking something along the lines of …
BB: Oh no! I mean, no, that won’t do at all. It’s, er, the wrong colour. Yes, wrong colour, definitely.
Lindy: Fair enough. How about this, then, in blue?
BB: Aargh! Er, I mean, haven’t you got something … er … more stylish?
Lindy: Well, there’s this.
BB: Getting closer.
Lindy: How about this? I call this the “Borat”.
BB: Now, that I could get used to. But there’s still something wrong. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’ll know when I see it.
Lindy: This?
BB: Oh I like that! But maybe, I don’t know, a little bit … er…
Lindy: (By now realising what’s on Barbara’s mind.) How about this?
BB: Mmmm! Yes! That’s perfect! Just do that one, would you, and …
(She is interrupted by a voice coming into the room.)
MGW: Now, Barbara, we talked about this, remember?
BB: But Michael –
MGW: Lindy, use the ones I showed you earlier.
Lindy: Yes, Mr Wilson.
BB: But –
MGW: And Barbara, you were here to pick the dress Vesper wears in the casino.
Lindy: How about this?
BB: Yeah, ok. ( Sighs.) Whatever.
I have one of the above pictured…I’ll leave it to you to guess which ☺️
Excellent stuff 👏🏻🤣
But, Sir Miles, there isn't a tutu pictured above.
It’s a while since I had that on 🤣
😵💫😳
😂🤣
Very good, Barbel 👏
Vic Flick, guitarist on the James Bond theme, dies aged 87 | Music | The Guardian
Up in Double O Heaven. Vic Flick arrives, guitar case in hand.
John Barry: Vic! There you are!
Derek Watkins: Hi there, mate. Been a long time.
Vic: Hello guys.
John: Come over here, with us.
Vic: I’m new to this, you know. What happens now?
Derek: Just come with us, you’ll see.
(They lead him through a celestial door into what seems to be a reproduction of CTS Studios, down in London. The rest of the band shout greetings at Vic.)
Vic: Hello guys, nice to see you all again.
John: Just get your guitar out, Vic, and sit in your usual seat …. That’s it. Chops, got your trumpet?
Derek: Of course.
John: Then you take your seat as well.
Vic: But John, there’s no music. What are we going to play?
John: You know what we’re going to play, Vic. The only tune it could be.
(John raises his baton.)
John: Ready? A-one, a-two …
(1) James Bond Theme 1962 (Dr. No) - YouTube
Vic: That was great! Can we do it again?
John: Of course. We’ll be doing it forever now.
Vic: But shouldn’t we invite Monty?
(The entire band turn and stare at him.)
John: I think he knows where he can go ….
The heavenly James Bond band. 😇
So sad to read that news 😢
A fitting tribute 😁🍸
Aston Martin issues second profit warning in two months - BBC News
27th November 2024. Aston Martin HQ. The CEO is in his office when his son comes in.
Son: Hi Dad, I was thinking – Oh no, don’t do that!
(The son rushes over and takes the noose from around his father’s neck.)
Son: For God’s sake, Dad, what are you doing?
CEO: The only thing I can do.
(He reaches into the desk drawer, pulls out a Walther PPK (of course) and aims it at his temple. His son quickly wrests it from him.)
Son: Dad, stop this!
CEO: Haven’t you seen our latest figures? We’re doomed, I tell you, doomed!
Son: It’s only a blip, our sales are bound to pick up again.
CEO: Are they, though? Don’t you remember what I’ve always tried to tell you?
Son: Of course. “Make the cars more expensive all the time so our profits go up.”
CEO: No, the other one.
Son: Er … “Make the cars cheaper so our sales go up?”
CEO: No, of course not- why would we do that? I mean the other one.
Son: Oh yes – “Our sales go up every time James Bond drives an Aston Martin in one of his films.”
CEO: That’s the one. And he hasn’t driven one for years – years, I tell you!
Son: He drove one in his last film.
CEO: Exactly.
Son: Well, can’t we persuade them to move a little faster? Maybe write them a pleading letter?
CEO: They’re completely immune to pleading letters – didn’t you see that last film they made where they killed most of the regular characters? Or, come to think of it, the one before that as well where Blofeld is James Bond’s … ugh … brother?
Son: Couldn’t we give them a gift of an Aston Martin?
CEO: Barbara Broccoli has four in her garage. Michael Wilson has seven.
Son: How come he has seven?
CEO: He’s been doing it longer.
(He reaches for a bottle labelled “Poison” but his son is too quick.)
Son: Now, Dad, stop doing that. I happen to know that our sales are bound to go up, and very soon.
CEO: Oh? How so?
Son: Haven't you seen Jaguar’s new advert?
Jaguar asks people to 'trust and reserve judgement' on rebrand - BBC News
Son: When prospective customers stop laughing. they’re bound to come to us!
This is true….probably 👀🤣🫣
That’s excellent 😂👏
I had a Jag XJS for over 20 years, best car I ever had. But no amount of pretty girls draped over bonnets would have ever influenced me to buy one, I bought it because I liked the shape and the engine and the comfort. Would I not buy a Jag because it was advertised by a transsexual (or whatever)? Surely only an idiot would cut off their nose to spite their face? What I’m trying to say is that nothing, or nobody, could ever influence me to buy, or not buy, a product. I laugh at these so-called “influencers” - and laugh even more at anyone who takes any notice of them.
There's only one car I've ever wanted, and it has always been beyond my means. I don't have to tell you what it is.
Oh, er, sorry - not that.
Part of our occasional "If Bond was in the real world" series.
2008. A dock in Port-au-Prince. James Bond disembarks from a boat carrying the unconscious Camille and stops the first passerby he sees.
Bond: Excuse me.
(He hands her to him.)
Bond: Thank you. She’s seasick.
(Bond makes to depart.)
Man: (Carrying Camille.) Hey, you! You there!
(Bond pretends not to hear and tries to keep walking.)
Man: (Louder.) Hey stop! Somebody stop that man!
(Other passersby, alerted by the shouting, bar Bond’s path. The man approaches Bond rapidly, a groggy but gradually waking Camille still in his arms.)
Man: Look, you deal with your own problems!
(He thrusts Camille back into Bond’s arms. She is now fully awake and plants him a well-aimed punch to the nose.)
Camille: You bastard! You f*cked up my chance to get Medrano!
Bond: (Now holding a tissue to his nose which is pouring blood.) Sorry, who?
Camille: Ooooh!
(She stomps off, leaving Bond with a lot of explaining to do to the angry crowd which had by now gathered.)
😂
1989. Set of “Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade”. Steven Spielberg is preparing to shoot the first scene.
Spielberg: All right – lights, are you ready?
Lighting: All ready here, Steven.
Spielberg: Sound?
Sound: Okay to go.
Spielberg: Harrison, you okay there?
Harrison Ford: (In full Indiana Jones gear.) Say the word, Steven.
Spielberg: Right then … hey, where’s Connery?
(Sean Connery walks up behind him.)
Sean: That’sh Mishter Connery to you, shunshine.
Spielberg: Oh, yes, of course. Now are you ready to … er, what are you wearing there, Sea – I mean, Mr Connery?
Sean: (Looking down at his flowing brown robe with attached hood.) Why, I’m wearing jusht the shame as Shir Alec was wearing.
Spielberg: Shir, I mean, Sir Alec?
Sean: Shir Alec Guinnessh, of course. Where do I get one of thoshe fanshy flashing shwordsh?
Spielberg: Mr Connery, what gave you the idea that you’ll be playing Obi Wan Kenobi?
Sean: Lucash, of courshe. George Lucash. He ashked me if I wanted to be in the latesht inshtalment of hish very shuccesshful sheriesh of filmsh. Shaid that I would be playing the father of the hero. Funny, I had onshe been told that the big bad guy with the shtrong cashe of ashthma and wearing all black armour wash the hero’sh dad but that showsh you how much I know.
Spielberg: But Mr Connery, this isn’t “Star Wars”!
Sean: Oh very funny, er.. what wash your name again?
Spielberg: (Probably the most successful and recognisable film director in the world at this point.) Steven Spielberg.
Sean: Oh yesh, Shpielberg. You did that movie about the shark, didn’t you?
Spielberg: “Jaws”, yes, that was me.
Sean: I don’t shee what that hash to do with outer spashe, but never mind.
Spielberg: Look, this isn’t outer space and it isn’t “Star Wars”.
Sean: You don’t fool me – that’sh Han Sholo over there, ishn’t it? Now where’sh Luke and the robotsh?
Spielberg: We’re not doing “Star Wars”!
Sean: Look, I’ll jusht go and have a sh!t down while you think about it.
(He wanders off. George Lucas appears shortly afterwards.)
Lucas: Hi Steven, how goes it?
Spielberg: It isn’t going at all! I can’t work with that man!
Lucas: Connery? All right, I’ll make a few phone calls – see if I can get Roger Moore instead.
Spielberg: (Aghast.) Roger Moore????
Lucas: Of course – he’s got plenty experience playing a part that was meant for Sean Connery.
That’s very neat, Barbel 😂🤣👏
Many thanksh, kind shir.
Oh, forgot to mention - one line (really one word) was specifically written for @caractacus potts after some banter earlier.
yesh I shpotted it, it appealsh to my shophishticated shenshe of humour
Connery is an inherently funny character. and good to pair him with a director with two eshesh in his name
did he ever work with Shcorsheshe?
sit, itsh hard to phoneteshishe the way Connery talksh!