1977. The Reid household. Milton is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His worried wife looks on, concernedly.
Wife: Oh sit down, Milton, why don’t you?
Milton: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Wife: Look, just relax.
Milton: Relax? I can’t relax!
Wife: Let me make you a nice cup of tea.
Milton: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Wife: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Milton: That’s exactly what I mean- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing by now!
Wife: And who exactly should be calling you?
Milton: Eon- the James Bond people.
Wife: But you’ve already done a part for them.
Milton: Oh, that was ages ago.
Wife: And there was that time when you were most insistent that you got the part of Oddjob in “Goldfinger”.
Milton: I certainly should have!
Wife: Yes, well, I don’t think they were terribly happy when you offered to have a wrestling match with Harold Sakata to see who got the part.
Milton: I’d have won that easily.
Wife: That’s not how these things are decided and you know it.
Milton: It should be.
Wife: And they may not have forgiven you for … well, you know.
Milton: What, for being in “Casino Royale” back in ’67?
Wife: Yes, that.
Milton: Oh, I’m sure Cubby Broccoli isn’t worried about a little thing like that. Anyway, it was a tiny part. I only got to say one word.
Wife: That’s more than you would have got playing Oddjob.
Milton: Hmm, that’s true. Perhaps I should insist on getting more to say if, I mean when, they phone me.
Wife: Anyway, would you please-
(The telephone rings. Milton abruptly moves with impressive speed for so bulky a man and grabs it.)
Milton: Hello? …. Yes, that’s me …. (He makes eye contact with his wife.) … Oh hello there, Mr Broccoli …. Well, I don’t know … Only if I get lines to speak … Yes, that’s fine …Where did you say? …. Start Monday morning at 9.00 at Pinewood … Yes, see you there. (He hangs up.)
Wife: Mr Broccoli? You’re in the next James Bond film?
Milton: I am indeed. I’ll be playing the part of Sandor – or maybe Shandor, it was a bad line and I couldn’t hear him properly.
Wife: (Excited.) And you get lines? Real lines?
Milton: Yes. Well, two of them. The first is “Yes, sir”.
Wife: Hmmm, well, okay. What’s the other one?
Milton: (Sadly.) “Pyramids”.
Wife: Pyramids? Is that it?
Milton: Yes, that’s it,
Wife: You should have demanded more! Phone him back right now and say you want more lines!
(She holds the phone out to him.)
Milton: I know, but I get to say “pyramids” in Egypt. We get a two-week holiday there, all expenses paid.
Wife: (Putting the phone down.) You know, maybe you should wait till your next movie to ask for more lines.
Milton: Yes, dear.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,799Chief of Staff
1963. Istanbul. Krilencu comes home after the fight at the gypsy camp.
Krilencu: (Opening door.) Hi honey, I’m home!
(He moves in for the usual “kiss kiss” but his wife is standing in the middle of the room, hands on hips, looking very furious (though not fast).)
Wife: Oh, honey, is it?
Krilencu: Of course, my love, I’m so happy to see -
Wife: Do you know what time it is?
Krilencu: Why, er, no, I don’t.
Wife: It’s four hours after the time you told me you’d be home!
Krilencu: Er, is it, my goodness, how time -
(He ducks to avoid a dish heading in his direction which shatters on the wall behind him.)
Wife: Again! That’s the third time this week you’ve been late!
Krilencu: Well, surely it’s only the second –
(This time it’s a frying pan which only just misses his head and wedges itself in the wall. He looks at it, very scared.)
Wife: Well? What’s your excuse this time?
Krilencu: Why, I had to work, of course.
Wife: Work? Don’t give me that!
(She grabs his collar and sniffs suspiciously.)
Krilencu: Yes, work, I’ve been working.
Wife: What’s that smell? Some sort of perfume … Gypsies! You’ve been hanging around with some gypsy girl!
Krilencu: Of course not, you know that you’re the only one for –
(She throws his suitcase, which she has packed during the previous four hours, out the window.)
Wife: Now you get out there after it!
Krilencu: But my love -
Wife: (Throwing his rope ladder out for him to climb down.) Out! And don’t come back!
(He eyes the rolling pin in her right hand nervously then reluctantly climbs out the window and down the rope ladder. From the other side, he can be seen emerging from the mouth of Anita Ekberg and climbing down. He picks up his suitcase and slouches off. The rope ladder is pulled back inside and the window closed with a loud “thud!”)
Four hours later ….
Bond: Look, Kerim, I hate to ashk but are you shure that thish ish where Krilencu livesh?
Kerim: Yes, of course I’m sure.
Bond: It’sh jusht that I’m beginning to get a cramp in my shoulder what with you reshting that rifle on it.
Suit 1: Sir, I have the figures for our hard copy sales here.
Suit 2: Good, good, let me see …. Hmm, these figures are slightly higher than I had expected since there was no new Bond soundtrack released this year.
Suit 1: Just like last year, yes. And the year before that.
Suit 2: Never mind about that – can you explain this rise?
Suit 1: Yes, sir. It’s all due to “Goldfinger”.
Suit 2: Goldfinger? But he’s dead, I saw him being sucked out of the window of a plane!
Suit 1: No, no, the soundtrack album for “Goldfinger”, the movie. We re-released it earlier this year.
Suit 2: What, did we find some unreleased music hidden in the vaults? John Barry demos, perhaps? The music that’s in the film but not on the soundtrack album, and hasn’t ever been there for 60 years and shows no sign of ever appearing?
Suit 1: No, sir. We didn’t add anything new. We simply polished up everything we have already released then collected it all on the one album and called it a 60th Anniversary release.
Suit 2: And the Bond fans fell for that?
Suit 1: Yes, they did. In droves, apparently. Some bought it to re-sell on eBay for grossly inflated prices that will get higher with time, but some were genuine Bond fans and collectors who were glad to see it.
Suit 2: Right, I see… And do you think we could do that again?
Suit 1: I don’t see any reason why not. There are plenty of James Bond/John Barry music fans who would be delighted to see more.
Suit 2: (Thinking hard.) And let me see, that was a single album, wasn’t it?
Suit 1: Yes, it was all we had. Or at least, all we had until we miraculously find the missing music at some later date when we want to sell them the soundtrack again.
Suit 2: But if we could somehow make our next release a double album we would make even more money, wouldn’t we?
Suit 1: Of course. It would only cost us pennies more to make a double album and we could then sell it for double the already high price.
Suit 2: Do you think you could arrange for that to happen?
Suit 1: Don’t see why not. For example, the “Moonraker” music tapes have been allegedly missing for about 45 years – some say they went to Paris, some say they must have been misfiled, and so on.
Suit 2: Yes, it has been hilarious for us here to watch them squabble on their social media, some claiming to know the absolute facts since their wife’s great-grandmother’s nephew had a friend whose son worked in the UA Music Library while others had definitely seen the missing tapes change hands in Paris.
Suit 1: Indeed, indeed. Well, we could miraculously find them all of a sudden then add the “missing” 17 minutes to the already known 31 minutes.
Suit 2: Hmm, still leaves us a bit short for a double album. Don’t suppose you could find a recording of Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis doing the title song?
Suit 1: No, can’t do that. I can find Paul Williams, though. Two versions.
Suit 2: It’ll have to do. I’m sure you’ll find some other music to make up the time. If not, just give them the same thing twice. You know our motto –
Comments
He ashked me if I wanted to be in the latesht inshtalment of hish very shuccesshful sheriesh of filmsh.
I hope Spielberg has an umbrella for that line 🤣🤣
Thanks, everyone!
1977. The Reid household. Milton is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His worried wife looks on, concernedly.
Wife: Oh sit down, Milton, why don’t you?
Milton: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Wife: Look, just relax.
Milton: Relax? I can’t relax!
Wife: Let me make you a nice cup of tea.
Milton: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Wife: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Milton: That’s exactly what I mean- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing by now!
Wife: And who exactly should be calling you?
Milton: Eon- the James Bond people.
Wife: But you’ve already done a part for them.
Milton: Oh, that was ages ago.
Wife: And there was that time when you were most insistent that you got the part of Oddjob in “Goldfinger”.
Milton: I certainly should have!
Wife: Yes, well, I don’t think they were terribly happy when you offered to have a wrestling match with Harold Sakata to see who got the part.
Milton: I’d have won that easily.
Wife: That’s not how these things are decided and you know it.
Milton: It should be.
Wife: And they may not have forgiven you for … well, you know.
Milton: What, for being in “Casino Royale” back in ’67?
Wife: Yes, that.
Milton: Oh, I’m sure Cubby Broccoli isn’t worried about a little thing like that. Anyway, it was a tiny part. I only got to say one word.
Wife: That’s more than you would have got playing Oddjob.
Milton: Hmm, that’s true. Perhaps I should insist on getting more to say if, I mean when, they phone me.
Wife: Anyway, would you please-
(The telephone rings. Milton abruptly moves with impressive speed for so bulky a man and grabs it.)
Milton: Hello? …. Yes, that’s me …. (He makes eye contact with his wife.) … Oh hello there, Mr Broccoli …. Well, I don’t know … Only if I get lines to speak … Yes, that’s fine …Where did you say? …. Start Monday morning at 9.00 at Pinewood … Yes, see you there. (He hangs up.)
Wife: Mr Broccoli? You’re in the next James Bond film?
Milton: I am indeed. I’ll be playing the part of Sandor – or maybe Shandor, it was a bad line and I couldn’t hear him properly.
Wife: (Excited.) And you get lines? Real lines?
Milton: Yes. Well, two of them. The first is “Yes, sir”.
Wife: Hmmm, well, okay. What’s the other one?
Milton: (Sadly.) “Pyramids”.
Wife: Pyramids? Is that it?
Milton: Yes, that’s it,
Wife: You should have demanded more! Phone him back right now and say you want more lines!
(She holds the phone out to him.)
Milton: I know, but I get to say “pyramids” in Egypt. We get a two-week holiday there, all expenses paid.
Wife: (Putting the phone down.) You know, maybe you should wait till your next movie to ask for more lines.
Milton: Yes, dear.
Very clever - excellent 👏🏻🤣🤣
Shplendid!
😁😂👏
Much appreciated, guys.
1963. Istanbul. Krilencu comes home after the fight at the gypsy camp.
Krilencu: (Opening door.) Hi honey, I’m home!
(He moves in for the usual “kiss kiss” but his wife is standing in the middle of the room, hands on hips, looking very furious (though not fast).)
Wife: Oh, honey, is it?
Krilencu: Of course, my love, I’m so happy to see -
Wife: Do you know what time it is?
Krilencu: Why, er, no, I don’t.
Wife: It’s four hours after the time you told me you’d be home!
Krilencu: Er, is it, my goodness, how time -
(He ducks to avoid a dish heading in his direction which shatters on the wall behind him.)
Wife: Again! That’s the third time this week you’ve been late!
Krilencu: Well, surely it’s only the second –
(This time it’s a frying pan which only just misses his head and wedges itself in the wall. He looks at it, very scared.)
Wife: Well? What’s your excuse this time?
Krilencu: Why, I had to work, of course.
Wife: Work? Don’t give me that!
(She grabs his collar and sniffs suspiciously.)
Krilencu: Yes, work, I’ve been working.
Wife: What’s that smell? Some sort of perfume … Gypsies! You’ve been hanging around with some gypsy girl!
Krilencu: Of course not, you know that you’re the only one for –
(She throws his suitcase, which she has packed during the previous four hours, out the window.)
Wife: Now you get out there after it!
Krilencu: But my love -
Wife: (Throwing his rope ladder out for him to climb down.) Out! And don’t come back!
(He eyes the rolling pin in her right hand nervously then reluctantly climbs out the window and down the rope ladder. From the other side, he can be seen emerging from the mouth of Anita Ekberg and climbing down. He picks up his suitcase and slouches off. The rope ladder is pulled back inside and the window closed with a loud “thud!”)
Four hours later ….
Bond: Look, Kerim, I hate to ashk but are you shure that thish ish where Krilencu livesh?
Kerim: Yes, of course I’m sure.
Bond: It’sh jusht that I’m beginning to get a cramp in my shoulder what with you reshting that rifle on it.
Kerim: Quiet! Just wait …..
I like that very much 😂🤣👏🍸
Very good 🤣
Thank you, gentlemen.
Edit- @emtiem the following is for you!
2024. Eon Music Division.
Suit 1: Sir, I have the figures for our hard copy sales here.
Suit 2: Good, good, let me see …. Hmm, these figures are slightly higher than I had expected since there was no new Bond soundtrack released this year.
Suit 1: Just like last year, yes. And the year before that.
Suit 2: Never mind about that – can you explain this rise?
Suit 1: Yes, sir. It’s all due to “Goldfinger”.
Suit 2: Goldfinger? But he’s dead, I saw him being sucked out of the window of a plane!
Suit 1: No, no, the soundtrack album for “Goldfinger”, the movie. We re-released it earlier this year.
Suit 2: What, did we find some unreleased music hidden in the vaults? John Barry demos, perhaps? The music that’s in the film but not on the soundtrack album, and hasn’t ever been there for 60 years and shows no sign of ever appearing?
Suit 1: No, sir. We didn’t add anything new. We simply polished up everything we have already released then collected it all on the one album and called it a 60th Anniversary release.
Suit 2: And the Bond fans fell for that?
Suit 1: Yes, they did. In droves, apparently. Some bought it to re-sell on eBay for grossly inflated prices that will get higher with time, but some were genuine Bond fans and collectors who were glad to see it.
Suit 2: Right, I see… And do you think we could do that again?
Suit 1: I don’t see any reason why not. There are plenty of James Bond/John Barry music fans who would be delighted to see more.
Suit 2: (Thinking hard.) And let me see, that was a single album, wasn’t it?
Suit 1: Yes, it was all we had. Or at least, all we had until we miraculously find the missing music at some later date when we want to sell them the soundtrack again.
Suit 2: But if we could somehow make our next release a double album we would make even more money, wouldn’t we?
Suit 1: Of course. It would only cost us pennies more to make a double album and we could then sell it for double the already high price.
Suit 2: Do you think you could arrange for that to happen?
Suit 1: Don’t see why not. For example, the “Moonraker” music tapes have been allegedly missing for about 45 years – some say they went to Paris, some say they must have been misfiled, and so on.
Suit 2: Yes, it has been hilarious for us here to watch them squabble on their social media, some claiming to know the absolute facts since their wife’s great-grandmother’s nephew had a friend whose son worked in the UA Music Library while others had definitely seen the missing tapes change hands in Paris.
Suit 1: Indeed, indeed. Well, we could miraculously find them all of a sudden then add the “missing” 17 minutes to the already known 31 minutes.
Suit 2: Hmm, still leaves us a bit short for a double album. Don’t suppose you could find a recording of Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis doing the title song?
Suit 1: No, can’t do that. I can find Paul Williams, though. Two versions.
Suit 2: It’ll have to do. I’m sure you’ll find some other music to make up the time. If not, just give them the same thing twice. You know our motto –
Both: Think of the money!
1965. Paris. Ernst Stavro Blofeld comes home.
Ernst: Hi honey, I’m home!
Irma: (Well, it’s probably her anyway.) Lieber Ernst!
(She rushes to his arms for a kiss.)
Irma: Ow! Ouch!
Cat: Meow!
Ernst: Oh, sorry.
(He puts the cat down.)
Irma: Please, next time put that verdammte cat down before kissing me!
Ernst: Yes, you’re right, sorry my love.
Irma: Anyway, how was your day?
Ernst: (Hanging his coat up.) Oh, fine.
Irma: Didn’t you say you had some big meeting to go to? How was it?
Ernst: Oh, it was, um, sparkling.
Irma: Sparkling….? Oh, you electrocuted one of your own men, didn’t you?
Ernst: Well, yes.
Irma: And that was after making him think he was okay by threatening another one of them, wasn’t it?
Ernst: Naturally, that’s the way I like to do things.
Irma: You know that, I know that, even the verdammte cat knows that, and don’t you think by now that your men might be getting wise to it as well?
Ernst: What? No, never!
Irma: You did it with Kronsteen and Rosa Klebb, you did it again today.
Ernst: Yes, I know but -
Irma: Don’t do it again!
Ernst: All right, I promise I won’t do it again.
Irma: Fine. Now, go and clean out the cat’s tray.
Ernst: But Irma -
Irma: It’s your verdammte cat, you can clean it’s verdammte tray!
Ernst: Yes, Irma.
Verdammt gut, Barbel!
Two more on the excellent pile 👏🏻
The first one can be applied to almost anything Bond related…🫣😳
That’s another corker 😂🤣 good to see you back posting regularly 😁