1977. The Reid household. Milton is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His worried wife looks on, concernedly.
Wife: Oh sit down, Milton, why don’t you?
Milton: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Wife: Look, just relax.
Milton: Relax? I can’t relax!
Wife: Let me make you a nice cup of tea.
Milton: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Wife: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Milton: That’s exactly what I mean- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing by now!
Wife: And who exactly should be calling you?
Milton: Eon- the James Bond people.
Wife: But you’ve already done a part for them.
Milton: Oh, that was ages ago.
Wife: And there was that time when you were most insistent that you got the part of Oddjob in “Goldfinger”.
Milton: I certainly should have!
Wife: Yes, well, I don’t think they were terribly happy when you offered to have a wrestling match with Harold Sakata to see who got the part.
Milton: I’d have won that easily.
Wife: That’s not how these things are decided and you know it.
Milton: It should be.
Wife: And they may not have forgiven you for … well, you know.
Milton: What, for being in “Casino Royale” back in ’67?
Wife: Yes, that.
Milton: Oh, I’m sure Cubby Broccoli isn’t worried about a little thing like that. Anyway, it was a tiny part. I only got to say one word.
Wife: That’s more than you would have got playing Oddjob.
Milton: Hmm, that’s true. Perhaps I should insist on getting more to say if, I mean when, they phone me.
Wife: Anyway, would you please-
(The telephone rings. Milton abruptly moves with impressive speed for so bulky a man and grabs it.)
Milton: Hello? …. Yes, that’s me …. (He makes eye contact with his wife.) … Oh hello there, Mr Broccoli …. Well, I don’t know … Only if I get lines to speak … Yes, that’s fine …Where did you say? …. Start Monday morning at 9.00 at Pinewood … Yes, see you there. (He hangs up.)
Wife: Mr Broccoli? You’re in the next James Bond film?
Milton: I am indeed. I’ll be playing the part of Sandor – or maybe Shandor, it was a bad line and I couldn’t hear him properly.
Wife: (Excited.) And you get lines? Real lines?
Milton: Yes. Well, two of them. The first is “Yes, sir”.
Wife: Hmmm, well, okay. What’s the other one?
Milton: (Sadly.) “Pyramids”.
Wife: Pyramids? Is that it?
Milton: Yes, that’s it,
Wife: You should have demanded more! Phone him back right now and say you want more lines!
(She holds the phone out to him.)
Milton: I know, but I get to say “pyramids” in Egypt. We get a two-week holiday there, all expenses paid.
Wife: (Putting the phone down.) You know, maybe you should wait till your next movie to ask for more lines.
Milton: Yes, dear.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,988Chief of Staff
1963. Istanbul. Krilencu comes home after the fight at the gypsy camp.
Krilencu: (Opening door.) Hi honey, I’m home!
(He moves in for the usual “kiss kiss” but his wife is standing in the middle of the room, hands on hips, looking very furious (though not fast).)
Wife: Oh, honey, is it?
Krilencu: Of course, my love, I’m so happy to see -
Wife: Do you know what time it is?
Krilencu: Why, er, no, I don’t.
Wife: It’s four hours after the time you told me you’d be home!
Krilencu: Er, is it, my goodness, how time -
(He ducks to avoid a dish heading in his direction which shatters on the wall behind him.)
Wife: Again! That’s the third time this week you’ve been late!
Krilencu: Well, surely it’s only the second –
(This time it’s a frying pan which only just misses his head and wedges itself in the wall. He looks at it, very scared.)
Wife: Well? What’s your excuse this time?
Krilencu: Why, I had to work, of course.
Wife: Work? Don’t give me that!
(She grabs his collar and sniffs suspiciously.)
Krilencu: Yes, work, I’ve been working.
Wife: What’s that smell? Some sort of perfume … Gypsies! You’ve been hanging around with some gypsy girl!
Krilencu: Of course not, you know that you’re the only one for –
(She throws his suitcase, which she has packed during the previous four hours, out the window.)
Wife: Now you get out there after it!
Krilencu: But my love -
Wife: (Throwing his rope ladder out for him to climb down.) Out! And don’t come back!
(He eyes the rolling pin in her right hand nervously then reluctantly climbs out the window and down the rope ladder. From the other side, he can be seen emerging from the mouth of Anita Ekberg and climbing down. He picks up his suitcase and slouches off. The rope ladder is pulled back inside and the window closed with a loud “thud!”)
Four hours later ….
Bond: Look, Kerim, I hate to ashk but are you shure that thish ish where Krilencu livesh?
Kerim: Yes, of course I’m sure.
Bond: It’sh jusht that I’m beginning to get a cramp in my shoulder what with you reshting that rifle on it.
Suit 1: Sir, I have the figures for our hard copy sales here.
Suit 2: Good, good, let me see …. Hmm, these figures are slightly higher than I had expected since there was no new Bond soundtrack released this year.
Suit 1: Just like last year, yes. And the year before that.
Suit 2: Never mind about that – can you explain this rise?
Suit 1: Yes, sir. It’s all due to “Goldfinger”.
Suit 2: Goldfinger? But he’s dead, I saw him being sucked out of the window of a plane!
Suit 1: No, no, the soundtrack album for “Goldfinger”, the movie. We re-released it earlier this year.
Suit 2: What, did we find some unreleased music hidden in the vaults? John Barry demos, perhaps? The music that’s in the film but not on the soundtrack album, and hasn’t ever been there for 60 years and shows no sign of ever appearing?
Suit 1: No, sir. We didn’t add anything new. We simply polished up everything we have already released then collected it all on the one album and called it a 60th Anniversary release.
Suit 2: And the Bond fans fell for that?
Suit 1: Yes, they did. In droves, apparently. Some bought it to re-sell on eBay for grossly inflated prices that will get higher with time, but some were genuine Bond fans and collectors who were glad to see it.
Suit 2: Right, I see… And do you think we could do that again?
Suit 1: I don’t see any reason why not. There are plenty of James Bond/John Barry music fans who would be delighted to see more.
Suit 2: (Thinking hard.) And let me see, that was a single album, wasn’t it?
Suit 1: Yes, it was all we had. Or at least, all we had until we miraculously find the missing music at some later date when we want to sell them the soundtrack again.
Suit 2: But if we could somehow make our next release a double album we would make even more money, wouldn’t we?
Suit 1: Of course. It would only cost us pennies more to make a double album and we could then sell it for double the already high price.
Suit 2: Do you think you could arrange for that to happen?
Suit 1: Don’t see why not. For example, the “Moonraker” music tapes have been allegedly missing for about 45 years – some say they went to Paris, some say they must have been misfiled, and so on.
Suit 2: Yes, it has been hilarious for us here to watch them squabble on their social media, some claiming to know the absolute facts since their wife’s great-grandmother’s nephew had a friend whose son worked in the UA Music Library while others had definitely seen the missing tapes change hands in Paris.
Suit 1: Indeed, indeed. Well, we could miraculously find them all of a sudden then add the “missing” 17 minutes to the already known 31 minutes.
Suit 2: Hmm, still leaves us a bit short for a double album. Don’t suppose you could find a recording of Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis doing the title song?
Suit 1: No, can’t do that. I can find Paul Williams, though. Two versions.
Suit 2: It’ll have to do. I’m sure you’ll find some other music to make up the time. If not, just give them the same thing twice. You know our motto –
1994. Interview for a new M. Olivia Mansfield (or possibly Barbara Mawdsley- they both look remarkably like Judi Dench.) is approaching the end of her gruelling session.
Minister: So, we come to some quick fire questions. Unless you’d prefer to skip this part…?
Olivia: Quite the opposite, actually.
Minister: Right, then. What is your professional background?
Olivia: I’m an accountant, a bean counter.
Minister: What is the world full of?
Olivia: Well, it’s not full of madmen who can hollow out volcanoes and fill them with big-breasted women.
Minister: What is your attitude to the press?
Olivia: They don’t care what we do, they care what we get photographed doing.
Minister: You seem a bit on edge, Ms Mansfield. Are you nervous?
Olivia: Well, I suppose I see a different world from what you do, and …
Minister: And?
Olivia: The truth is that what I see frightens me.
Minister: That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.
Olivia: Yes, I knew you’d hate it.
Minister: What are your plans when the interview is over?
Olivia: A shower might be in order.
Minister: And finally, if you’re in a bar and are offered the choice between a glass of wine or a measure of bourbon, which would you take?
Olivia: Take the bloody shot!
Minister: Congratulations … M.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,988Chief of Staff
1972. Eon HQ hidden inside the Hemingway house, Key West. Messrs Saltzman & Broccoli are interviewing directors for their next James Bond film “Live And Let Die”.
Harry: I’m not sure about this guy, Cubby.
Cubby: Neither am I, but his last film made millions of dollars and the one before that even more. He’s “in”, as they say.
Harry: Hmm, all right. Let’s see him anyway.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Send Mr Peckinpah in please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Broccoli.
(The door opens and Sam Peckinpah comes in.)
Harry: Hello, there, Mr Peckinpah.
Sam: Call me Sam, please.
Cubby: Sam it is. Now, you’ll have had a look at the script we sent you.
Sam: I certainly have.
Harry: And what’s your thoughts?
Sam: I like the guy with one arm- you might call him the villain’s right hook man.
Cubby: Tee Hee, yes.
Sam: But it’s vital to my vision that we see how he lost the arm.
Harry: How he lost the arm?
Sam: Yes, and I think we just gotta open with that. We see him casually feeding some crocs when one of them grabs his right arm in its jaws. There’s a gross tearing sound and we go into slow motion as we see the croc chewing down and gallons of blood spurting from Tee Hee’s shoulder onto the ground, into the water, and onto the camera while he screams –
Cubby: (Appalled.) Enough, Mr Peckinpah!
Sam: Oh, call me Sam, please. I thought I told you that.
Harry: Yes, you did, but Mr Broccoli was just shocked, as indeed am I, by the way you would like to open our film. We already have a pre-titles sequence that we would like to shoot just the way it is.
Sam: (Scoffing.) What, the one where one guy gets killed in Harlem, one in New Orleans, and one in Jamaica?
Cubby: (Quickly.) It’s not Jamaica, it’s San Monique.
Harry: Which is nothing like Jamaica at all.
Cubby: But anyway, that’s far too violent an opening for our film.
Sam: Well, all right, we can save that for late when Felix gets fed to a shark and loses an arm and a leg.
Harry: Felix won’t be getting fed to a shark and losing anything. That isn’t in the script.
Sam: It was in the book! You have to use it!
Cubby: Maybe in about twenty years we might get round to it.
Sam: Right, well, I do like the part where the main villain gets blown to pieces.
Bits of blood and guts all over everything, the girl screams, Bond comforts her while wiping entrails from their faces and … you’re shaking your heads, gentlemen.
Harry: We don’t want any blood and guts.
Sam: You mean you want him to get blown to pieces but there’s no trace of what would obviously be happening?
Cubby: That’s right.
Sam: (He scoffs again.) That just isn’t realistic!
Harry: Mr Peck… I mean Sam, we left realism behind a long time ago. Haven’t you watched any of our films?
Cubby: And another thing, we are most definitely using the title of the book. You can’t change it.
Sam: I thought “Die And Let Die” had a certain ring to it.
Cubby/Harry: (Together.) No!
Sam: How about “Bring Me the Head of Doctor Kananga” then?
Cubby/Harry: (Together, pointing to the door.) Out!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,988Chief of Staff
1985. Pinewood Studios. John Glen is directing Roger Moore, who is wearing the standard Bond black tuxedo and bow tie.
John: Ready, Roger?
Roger: Just say when, John.
John: Right then … action! Look left … now look right …. Now straight ahead, looking alarmed …
No, a bit less alarmed … that’s it, and cut!
Roger: No eyebrow movements today, then?
John: Oh blast, you’re right, I forgot. Action! Roger, left eyebrow up … now the right one … that’s fine, and cut.
Roger: What’s next?
John: You go and get changed into the frogman suit.
Roger: But of course.
John: See you back here in, what, fifteen minutes?
Roger: Fine.
Fifteen minutes later…
John: Right then … action! Look left … now look right …. Now straight ahead, looking alarmed … now, left eyebrow up … now the right one … that’s fine, and cut.
Roger: Was that all right?
John: Perfect, no problems. Now you go and change into the white ski suit.
Roger: White ski suit, check.
John: And after that the all-black outfit. Once I've got all those close-ups of you wearing all the different outfits Bond wears in the film, I just have to edit them into the scenes of the stunt men doing the actual work and we’re sorted.
Flemings Live and Let Die might be most appropriate to that slomo graphic violence and gore approach. I can think of a few other individual scenes, like the "stomping" in Diamonds are Forever, but LaLD is probably the most consistently violent of the 14 books
yet EON's film is one of the most cartoonish in the series!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,988Chief of Staff
Monday- Ah done a great show last night. They was standin’ room only, the Colonel told me. When ah got back to ma hotel there was ten girls outside ma door. Had ta chase seven of them away, ah’m gettin’ old these days. Ah remember when ah was only 18 or so, there was six girls in ma dressin’ room and they all
(Sorry, my mistake. Not that Elvis, this one. Barbel)
2008
Monday- It is very dull here in Port-au-Prince. I hope Dominic wants to go somewhere else soon, I cannot find a shop which sells the correct brand of toupee adhesive. Apart from throwing a geologist into the water there was not much to do.
Tuesday- A letter arrived from Mother. She got my postcard, and says that my brothers Jerry Lee and Buddy are doing fine. That girl Camille turned up at the docks, closely followed by a blond man on a motorcycle. He gave me a card to show Dominic, it said something about “Universal Export”. Camille went off with General Medrano in a boat. So, another dull day.
Wednesday- Finally we are moving out. Dominic and I went on a plane with some Americans. We went a long flight to Austria, watched an opera, then took another long flight back to nearly where we had came from. I wish he would make up his mind.
Thursday- Dominic held a big party tonight. That Camille turned up again, and so did the blond guy. There was a nice redhead there too, but she was very clumsy and tripped me down some stairs and … I don’t want to talk about it. I need to wear a neck brace for the next few weeks.
Friday- We are in a big hotel somewhere in a desert. General Medrano is here, too. It is very warm. I think I’m going to like it here.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,988Chief of Staff
(This one should really be on the next page, but I couldn't resist.)
December 6th, 2024. Number 10, Downing Street. Sir Keir Starmer, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His concerned wife looks on, worriedly.
Victoria: Oh sit down, Keir, why don’t you?
Keir: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Victoria: Just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Keir: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Victoria: A time like what? Nothing is happening!
Keir: That’s just it- nothing is happening!
Victoria: I haven’t seen you so wound up since the night of the election.
Keir: Election? Ha! I wish that was all it was.
Victoria: What? That was the most important night of your career!
Keir: Yes, back then it was, but that’s nothing to now.
Victoria: What do you mean?
Keir: Haven’t you seen the papers?
Victoria: Oh, I don’t bother with the papers. They’re always full of -
Comments
He ashked me if I wanted to be in the latesht inshtalment of hish very shuccesshful sheriesh of filmsh.
I hope Spielberg has an umbrella for that line 🤣🤣
Thanks, everyone!
1977. The Reid household. Milton is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His worried wife looks on, concernedly.
Wife: Oh sit down, Milton, why don’t you?
Milton: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Wife: Look, just relax.
Milton: Relax? I can’t relax!
Wife: Let me make you a nice cup of tea.
Milton: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Wife: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Milton: That’s exactly what I mean- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing by now!
Wife: And who exactly should be calling you?
Milton: Eon- the James Bond people.
Wife: But you’ve already done a part for them.
Milton: Oh, that was ages ago.
Wife: And there was that time when you were most insistent that you got the part of Oddjob in “Goldfinger”.
Milton: I certainly should have!
Wife: Yes, well, I don’t think they were terribly happy when you offered to have a wrestling match with Harold Sakata to see who got the part.
Milton: I’d have won that easily.
Wife: That’s not how these things are decided and you know it.
Milton: It should be.
Wife: And they may not have forgiven you for … well, you know.
Milton: What, for being in “Casino Royale” back in ’67?
Wife: Yes, that.
Milton: Oh, I’m sure Cubby Broccoli isn’t worried about a little thing like that. Anyway, it was a tiny part. I only got to say one word.
Wife: That’s more than you would have got playing Oddjob.
Milton: Hmm, that’s true. Perhaps I should insist on getting more to say if, I mean when, they phone me.
Wife: Anyway, would you please-
(The telephone rings. Milton abruptly moves with impressive speed for so bulky a man and grabs it.)
Milton: Hello? …. Yes, that’s me …. (He makes eye contact with his wife.) … Oh hello there, Mr Broccoli …. Well, I don’t know … Only if I get lines to speak … Yes, that’s fine …Where did you say? …. Start Monday morning at 9.00 at Pinewood … Yes, see you there. (He hangs up.)
Wife: Mr Broccoli? You’re in the next James Bond film?
Milton: I am indeed. I’ll be playing the part of Sandor – or maybe Shandor, it was a bad line and I couldn’t hear him properly.
Wife: (Excited.) And you get lines? Real lines?
Milton: Yes. Well, two of them. The first is “Yes, sir”.
Wife: Hmmm, well, okay. What’s the other one?
Milton: (Sadly.) “Pyramids”.
Wife: Pyramids? Is that it?
Milton: Yes, that’s it,
Wife: You should have demanded more! Phone him back right now and say you want more lines!
(She holds the phone out to him.)
Milton: I know, but I get to say “pyramids” in Egypt. We get a two-week holiday there, all expenses paid.
Wife: (Putting the phone down.) You know, maybe you should wait till your next movie to ask for more lines.
Milton: Yes, dear.
Very clever - excellent 👏🏻🤣🤣
Shplendid!
😁😂👏
Much appreciated, guys.
1963. Istanbul. Krilencu comes home after the fight at the gypsy camp.
Krilencu: (Opening door.) Hi honey, I’m home!
(He moves in for the usual “kiss kiss” but his wife is standing in the middle of the room, hands on hips, looking very furious (though not fast).)
Wife: Oh, honey, is it?
Krilencu: Of course, my love, I’m so happy to see -
Wife: Do you know what time it is?
Krilencu: Why, er, no, I don’t.
Wife: It’s four hours after the time you told me you’d be home!
Krilencu: Er, is it, my goodness, how time -
(He ducks to avoid a dish heading in his direction which shatters on the wall behind him.)
Wife: Again! That’s the third time this week you’ve been late!
Krilencu: Well, surely it’s only the second –
(This time it’s a frying pan which only just misses his head and wedges itself in the wall. He looks at it, very scared.)
Wife: Well? What’s your excuse this time?
Krilencu: Why, I had to work, of course.
Wife: Work? Don’t give me that!
(She grabs his collar and sniffs suspiciously.)
Krilencu: Yes, work, I’ve been working.
Wife: What’s that smell? Some sort of perfume … Gypsies! You’ve been hanging around with some gypsy girl!
Krilencu: Of course not, you know that you’re the only one for –
(She throws his suitcase, which she has packed during the previous four hours, out the window.)
Wife: Now you get out there after it!
Krilencu: But my love -
Wife: (Throwing his rope ladder out for him to climb down.) Out! And don’t come back!
(He eyes the rolling pin in her right hand nervously then reluctantly climbs out the window and down the rope ladder. From the other side, he can be seen emerging from the mouth of Anita Ekberg and climbing down. He picks up his suitcase and slouches off. The rope ladder is pulled back inside and the window closed with a loud “thud!”)
Four hours later ….
Bond: Look, Kerim, I hate to ashk but are you shure that thish ish where Krilencu livesh?
Kerim: Yes, of course I’m sure.
Bond: It’sh jusht that I’m beginning to get a cramp in my shoulder what with you reshting that rifle on it.
Kerim: Quiet! Just wait …..
I like that very much 😂🤣👏🍸
Very good 🤣
Thank you, gentlemen.
Edit- @emtiem the following is for you!
2024. Eon Music Division.
Suit 1: Sir, I have the figures for our hard copy sales here.
Suit 2: Good, good, let me see …. Hmm, these figures are slightly higher than I had expected since there was no new Bond soundtrack released this year.
Suit 1: Just like last year, yes. And the year before that.
Suit 2: Never mind about that – can you explain this rise?
Suit 1: Yes, sir. It’s all due to “Goldfinger”.
Suit 2: Goldfinger? But he’s dead, I saw him being sucked out of the window of a plane!
Suit 1: No, no, the soundtrack album for “Goldfinger”, the movie. We re-released it earlier this year.
Suit 2: What, did we find some unreleased music hidden in the vaults? John Barry demos, perhaps? The music that’s in the film but not on the soundtrack album, and hasn’t ever been there for 60 years and shows no sign of ever appearing?
Suit 1: No, sir. We didn’t add anything new. We simply polished up everything we have already released then collected it all on the one album and called it a 60th Anniversary release.
Suit 2: And the Bond fans fell for that?
Suit 1: Yes, they did. In droves, apparently. Some bought it to re-sell on eBay for grossly inflated prices that will get higher with time, but some were genuine Bond fans and collectors who were glad to see it.
Suit 2: Right, I see… And do you think we could do that again?
Suit 1: I don’t see any reason why not. There are plenty of James Bond/John Barry music fans who would be delighted to see more.
Suit 2: (Thinking hard.) And let me see, that was a single album, wasn’t it?
Suit 1: Yes, it was all we had. Or at least, all we had until we miraculously find the missing music at some later date when we want to sell them the soundtrack again.
Suit 2: But if we could somehow make our next release a double album we would make even more money, wouldn’t we?
Suit 1: Of course. It would only cost us pennies more to make a double album and we could then sell it for double the already high price.
Suit 2: Do you think you could arrange for that to happen?
Suit 1: Don’t see why not. For example, the “Moonraker” music tapes have been allegedly missing for about 45 years – some say they went to Paris, some say they must have been misfiled, and so on.
Suit 2: Yes, it has been hilarious for us here to watch them squabble on their social media, some claiming to know the absolute facts since their wife’s great-grandmother’s nephew had a friend whose son worked in the UA Music Library while others had definitely seen the missing tapes change hands in Paris.
Suit 1: Indeed, indeed. Well, we could miraculously find them all of a sudden then add the “missing” 17 minutes to the already known 31 minutes.
Suit 2: Hmm, still leaves us a bit short for a double album. Don’t suppose you could find a recording of Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis doing the title song?
Suit 1: No, can’t do that. I can find Paul Williams, though. Two versions.
Suit 2: It’ll have to do. I’m sure you’ll find some other music to make up the time. If not, just give them the same thing twice. You know our motto –
Both: Think of the money!
1965. Paris. Ernst Stavro Blofeld comes home.
Ernst: Hi honey, I’m home!
Irma: (Well, it’s probably her anyway.) Lieber Ernst!
(She rushes to his arms for a kiss.)
Irma: Ow! Ouch!
Cat: Meow!
Ernst: Oh, sorry.
(He puts the cat down.)
Irma: Please, next time put that verdammte cat down before kissing me!
Ernst: Yes, you’re right, sorry my love.
Irma: Anyway, how was your day?
Ernst: (Hanging his coat up.) Oh, fine.
Irma: Didn’t you say you had some big meeting to go to? How was it?
Ernst: Oh, it was, um, sparkling.
Irma: Sparkling….? Oh, you electrocuted one of your own men, didn’t you?
Ernst: Well, yes.
Irma: And that was after making him think he was okay by threatening another one of them, wasn’t it?
Ernst: Naturally, that’s the way I like to do things.
Irma: You know that, I know that, even the verdammte cat knows that, and don’t you think by now that your men might be getting wise to it as well?
Ernst: What? No, never!
Irma: You did it with Kronsteen and Rosa Klebb, you did it again today.
Ernst: Yes, I know but -
Irma: Don’t do it again!
Ernst: All right, I promise I won’t do it again.
Irma: Fine. Now, go and clean out the cat’s tray.
Ernst: But Irma -
Irma: It’s your verdammte cat, you can clean it’s verdammte tray!
Ernst: Yes, Irma.
Verdammt gut, Barbel!
Two more on the excellent pile 👏🏻
The first one can be applied to almost anything Bond related…🫣😳
That’s another corker 😂🤣 good to see you back posting regularly 😁
Thanks, guys. 😊
1994. Interview for a new M. Olivia Mansfield (or possibly Barbara Mawdsley- they both look remarkably like Judi Dench.) is approaching the end of her gruelling session.
Minister: So, we come to some quick fire questions. Unless you’d prefer to skip this part…?
Olivia: Quite the opposite, actually.
Minister: Right, then. What is your professional background?
Olivia: I’m an accountant, a bean counter.
Minister: What is the world full of?
Olivia: Well, it’s not full of madmen who can hollow out volcanoes and fill them with big-breasted women.
Minister: What is your attitude to the press?
Olivia: They don’t care what we do, they care what we get photographed doing.
Minister: You seem a bit on edge, Ms Mansfield. Are you nervous?
Olivia: Well, I suppose I see a different world from what you do, and …
Minister: And?
Olivia: The truth is that what I see frightens me.
Minister: That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.
Olivia: Yes, I knew you’d hate it.
Minister: What are your plans when the interview is over?
Olivia: A shower might be in order.
Minister: And finally, if you’re in a bar and are offered the choice between a glass of wine or a measure of bourbon, which would you take?
Olivia: Take the bloody shot!
Minister: Congratulations … M.
🤣 clever 👏🏻
1972. Eon HQ hidden inside the Hemingway house, Key West. Messrs Saltzman & Broccoli are interviewing directors for their next James Bond film “Live And Let Die”.
Harry: I’m not sure about this guy, Cubby.
Cubby: Neither am I, but his last film made millions of dollars and the one before that even more. He’s “in”, as they say.
Harry: Hmm, all right. Let’s see him anyway.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Send Mr Peckinpah in please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Broccoli.
(The door opens and Sam Peckinpah comes in.)
Harry: Hello, there, Mr Peckinpah.
Sam: Call me Sam, please.
Cubby: Sam it is. Now, you’ll have had a look at the script we sent you.
Sam: I certainly have.
Harry: And what’s your thoughts?
Sam: I like the guy with one arm- you might call him the villain’s right hook man.
Cubby: Tee Hee, yes.
Sam: But it’s vital to my vision that we see how he lost the arm.
Harry: How he lost the arm?
Sam: Yes, and I think we just gotta open with that. We see him casually feeding some crocs when one of them grabs his right arm in its jaws. There’s a gross tearing sound and we go into slow motion as we see the croc chewing down and gallons of blood spurting from Tee Hee’s shoulder onto the ground, into the water, and onto the camera while he screams –
Cubby: (Appalled.) Enough, Mr Peckinpah!
Sam: Oh, call me Sam, please. I thought I told you that.
Harry: Yes, you did, but Mr Broccoli was just shocked, as indeed am I, by the way you would like to open our film. We already have a pre-titles sequence that we would like to shoot just the way it is.
Sam: (Scoffing.) What, the one where one guy gets killed in Harlem, one in New Orleans, and one in Jamaica?
Cubby: (Quickly.) It’s not Jamaica, it’s San Monique.
Harry: Which is nothing like Jamaica at all.
Cubby: But anyway, that’s far too violent an opening for our film.
Sam: Well, all right, we can save that for late when Felix gets fed to a shark and loses an arm and a leg.
Harry: Felix won’t be getting fed to a shark and losing anything. That isn’t in the script.
Sam: It was in the book! You have to use it!
Cubby: Maybe in about twenty years we might get round to it.
Sam: Right, well, I do like the part where the main villain gets blown to pieces.
Bits of blood and guts all over everything, the girl screams, Bond comforts her while wiping entrails from their faces and … you’re shaking your heads, gentlemen.
Harry: We don’t want any blood and guts.
Sam: You mean you want him to get blown to pieces but there’s no trace of what would obviously be happening?
Cubby: That’s right.
Sam: (He scoffs again.) That just isn’t realistic!
Harry: Mr Peck… I mean Sam, we left realism behind a long time ago. Haven’t you watched any of our films?
Cubby: And another thing, we are most definitely using the title of the book. You can’t change it.
Sam: I thought “Die And Let Die” had a certain ring to it.
Cubby/Harry: (Together.) No!
Sam: How about “Bring Me the Head of Doctor Kananga” then?
Cubby/Harry: (Together, pointing to the door.) Out!
Ooohhhh 🤣
A Peckinpah Bond, that would be very interesting 😂👏
Thanks, guys.
1985. Pinewood Studios. John Glen is directing Roger Moore, who is wearing the standard Bond black tuxedo and bow tie.
John: Ready, Roger?
Roger: Just say when, John.
John: Right then … action! Look left … now look right …. Now straight ahead, looking alarmed …
No, a bit less alarmed … that’s it, and cut!
Roger: No eyebrow movements today, then?
John: Oh blast, you’re right, I forgot. Action! Roger, left eyebrow up … now the right one … that’s fine, and cut.
Roger: What’s next?
John: You go and get changed into the frogman suit.
Roger: But of course.
John: See you back here in, what, fifteen minutes?
Roger: Fine.
Fifteen minutes later…
John: Right then … action! Look left … now look right …. Now straight ahead, looking alarmed … now, left eyebrow up … now the right one … that’s fine, and cut.
Roger: Was that all right?
John: Perfect, no problems. Now you go and change into the white ski suit.
Roger: White ski suit, check.
John: And after that the all-black outfit. Once I've got all those close-ups of you wearing all the different outfits Bond wears in the film, I just have to edit them into the scenes of the stunt men doing the actual work and we’re sorted.
Flemings Live and Let Die might be most appropriate to that slomo graphic violence and gore approach. I can think of a few other individual scenes, like the "stomping" in Diamonds are Forever, but LaLD is probably the most consistently violent of the 14 books
yet EON's film is one of the most cartoonish in the series!
Loving that one, Barbel 🤣🤣🤣
Another true-life tale 😂🤣👏
Thanks, guys.
The Diary Of Elvis.
1972
Monday- Ah done a great show last night. They was standin’ room only, the Colonel told me. When ah got back to ma hotel there was ten girls outside ma door. Had ta chase seven of them away, ah’m gettin’ old these days. Ah remember when ah was only 18 or so, there was six girls in ma dressin’ room and they all
(Sorry, my mistake. Not that Elvis, this one. Barbel)
2008
Monday- It is very dull here in Port-au-Prince. I hope Dominic wants to go somewhere else soon, I cannot find a shop which sells the correct brand of toupee adhesive. Apart from throwing a geologist into the water there was not much to do.
Tuesday- A letter arrived from Mother. She got my postcard, and says that my brothers Jerry Lee and Buddy are doing fine. That girl Camille turned up at the docks, closely followed by a blond man on a motorcycle. He gave me a card to show Dominic, it said something about “Universal Export”. Camille went off with General Medrano in a boat. So, another dull day.
Wednesday- Finally we are moving out. Dominic and I went on a plane with some Americans. We went a long flight to Austria, watched an opera, then took another long flight back to nearly where we had came from. I wish he would make up his mind.
Thursday- Dominic held a big party tonight. That Camille turned up again, and so did the blond guy. There was a nice redhead there too, but she was very clumsy and tripped me down some stairs and … I don’t want to talk about it. I need to wear a neck brace for the next few weeks.
Friday- We are in a big hotel somewhere in a desert. General Medrano is here, too. It is very warm. I think I’m going to like it here.
🤣 toupee adhesive 🤣
Today is the first instalment of ....
Our 2024 Christmas Special, written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24.
Start reading at The AJB007 Christmas Special 2024 — ajb007
(This one should really be on the next page, but I couldn't resist.)
December 6th, 2024. Number 10, Downing Street. Sir Keir Starmer, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His concerned wife looks on, worriedly.
Victoria: Oh sit down, Keir, why don’t you?
Keir: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Victoria: Just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Keir: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Victoria: A time like what? Nothing is happening!
Keir: That’s just it- nothing is happening!
Victoria: I haven’t seen you so wound up since the night of the election.
Keir: Election? Ha! I wish that was all it was.
Victoria: What? That was the most important night of your career!
Keir: Yes, back then it was, but that’s nothing to now.
Victoria: What do you mean?
Keir: Haven’t you seen the papers?
Victoria: Oh, I don’t bother with the papers. They’re always full of -
Keir: I know, I know, but not this time! Look!
Starmer jokes he could be next James Bond as he mocks Badenoch | News | Independent TV
Starmer jokes he could be James Bond as he mocks Badenoch over working at McDonald's
Starmer jokes he could be next James Bond during change speech | Watch
etc etc
Victoria: So … you’re waiting for Barbara Broccoli to call you to play the new James Bond, are you?
Keir: Of course! I was at Pinewood Studios making my speech – she’s bound to have heard by now.
Victoria: But they all seem to think you were joking?
Keir: Me? Joke? How little they know me!
Victoria: Er … oh look at the time, my love. You’re supposed to be in Parliament by now, aren’t you?
Keir: What? Oh yes, you’re right. Just you make sure to answer that phone when it rings!
Victoria: Yes, dear, of course I will. You have a nice day.
Totally missed this in the news 🤣
He's not noted for his sense of humour, it's unusual for him to make a joke that hasn't been scripted (like I'm sure that one was).