Yes, this is fun!
I especially like collaborating and this one was co-written with Charmed & Dangerous.
1974. (Royal Premiere of “The Man With The Golden Gun”).)
(The limousine draws up. The Queen and the Duke emerge, to be greeted by Harry and Cubby.)
Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby: May I present James Bond himself, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore, how nice to see you again so soon after your last successful appearance as 007.
Roger: Good evening, ma’am. It’s a pleasure as always.
The Duke: Ah, Roger! And who’s after you with this golden gun eh? Jealous agents, outraged husbands, humiliated Scots and Australians?
Roger: Funny you should say that…
Harry: Next is our leading lady, the lovely Miss Britt Ekland.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Ekland.
Britt: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: In “The Wicker Man”, I thought you were very good.
Britt: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Hmph! In “The Wicker Man” I thought your arse was very good.
The Queen: Philip!
Britt: Oh no, sir, that was not me- that was a body double.
The Duke: Body double, eh?
Britt: Yes, that’s right.
The Duke: ...don’t suppose you’ve got her number?
The Queen: Philip!!!
Harry: Next is our villain, Mr Christopher Lee.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Lee.
Christopher: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed watching you on television as Sherlock Holmes.
Christopher: Er, that would be Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh really? Well, I did enjoy your film where you play Dr Who fighting against the Daleks.
Christopher: (A little nettled.) Again, Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Hmmm. However, I am very sure I saw you playing Baron Frankenstein in more than one film, and very good you were too.
Christopher: (Eyes turning red, fangs beginning to grow.) No, ma’am, that was-
The Queen: -Peter Cushing, I see.
The Duke: Let’s move on before he bites you on the neck.
Christopher: Ah, now you’ve got it!
Cubby: May I now present another of our actresses, Mademoiselle Francoise Therry?
The Queen: And who do you play, my dear?
Francoise: Chew Mee.
The Duke: (Leaning back to speak with Roger Moore) I bet you’d like to Roger….
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Steady on old girl, I hadn’t finished. I’d bet you’d like to, ah, Roger, have a swift drink with me after?
Roger: I’d love to!
Harry: And here’s another of our villains. May I present Mr Richard Loo.
The Duke: Who?
Richard: Loo.
The Duke: Ooh. And who do you do, Mr Loo Who?
Richard: Hai Fat.
The Duke: Don’t be so hard on yourself, old boy, you’re not fat at all! (Leaning towards The Queen, whispers.) Move on quick dear, this one’s a loon.
Cubby: May I present Mr Michael Goodliffe, ma'am?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Goodliffe, and which part do you play?
Michael: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Michael Goodliffe? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug and walk on. Michael sighs.)
Harry: This is the singer of the title song, Lulu.
The Queen: Ah, good evening. Did one not see you at a Royal Command Performance?
Lulu: That’s right, ma’am.
The Queen: And what song did you sing?
Lulu: My first single.
The Queen: What was it called?
Lulu: “Shout”.
The Queen: WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
Lulu: Er, no, ma’am, it was called “Shout”.
Cubby: May I present Monsieur Herve Villechaize?
The Queen: Bonsoir, M. Villechaize.
Herve: Bonsoir, madam. My, how radiant you look in the glow of evening.
The Queen: Why, thank you.
Herve: Such a beautiful monarch I have never had the privilege of being in the presence of.
The Queen: Oh, my. (Blushes.)
Herve: Indeed, one had heard of your magnificence but nothing compares to seeing you for oneself.
The Queen: (Giggles girlishly.)
Herve: Perhaps after the premiere, you and I could meet for a small drink together?
The Queen: Well, I-
The Duke: Elizabeth!!!
Desmond: Morning, Terence!
Terence: Ah, good morning Desmond.
Desmond: Morning, Sean!
Sean: Good morning, Deshmond.
Desmond: Well, here I am all ready to go. Got my lines all learned, got the costume. So, where do you want me to stand, Terence?
Terence: Ah yes, well, you see, you’re here as “rainy day cover”, Desmond.
Desmond: Rainy day cover?
Terence: Yes, we have to take advantage of the sunlight as much as we can to make sure the scenes match up. Your set is prepared so that when there is rain or heavy clouds we can move indoors and shoot the scene where you give Sean the gadgets.
Desmond: But we’re in the Bahamas! It never rains here!
Terence: That’s not quite true, but we have to be prepared for when it does.
Desmond: So what have I to do?
Terence: Just take it easy- I’m sure you will enjoy yourself here.
(A week later.)
Desmond: Are you ready for me yet, Terence?
Terence: No, we’re still shooting scenes on beaches. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure that you don’t miss your cue.
Desmond: Oh, very funny.
(A week later.)
Desmond: (On phone.) ...no, darling, I still don’t know… could be any time, I’ve just to stay on standby… oh, lying in the sun, going for walks… yes, I’m sure you would.. well, I didn’t know, did I?… yes, love you too.
(A week later.)
Sean: Hey, look up at the shky Terence.
Terence: What’s that? Oh, yes, it’s a cloud!
Assistant: Do you want me to call for Mr Llewelyn, Mr Young?
Terence: No, wait- it’s going away again. Right, positions everyone!
(A week later.)
Terence: It’s raining! Send for Desmond! (A flustered Desmond arrives on set.)
Desmond: Ah, at last!
Terence: Wait a minute- you’re brown as a berry!
Desmond: Well of course I am, I’ve been lying about in the sun waiting for you to send for me.
Terence: But Q has only just arrived from London- we’ll have to make you up to look paler.
Desmond: But… but…
Terence: Off to make-up with you! (One hour later.)
Desmond: Right, here I am, all made-up and ready to go.
Terence: Yes, that looks much better.
Assistant: Sun’s shining again, Mr Young. (Desmond groans.)
Terence: Okay, everyone back to the beach! Except you, Desmond, back to the hotel.
Desmond: ...again?
(A week later.)
Desmond: Finally- rain!
Terence: Right, positions everyone… and action!
Desmond: Now pay attention, 007, I’ve got this… this… er...
Terence: Cut! I thought you knew the lines, Desmond!
Desmond: Well, I did when I arrived.
Terence: No problems- we’ll just get the... Q cards.
Purvis: ..so James is running away from the bad guys, and he leaps into Graves’ speeder. You know, the one we set up earlier.
MGW: Why doesn’t he take his own car? You know, the one that’s… (Shudders.) … invisible?
Wade: We’re saving that for the next scene.
Tamahori: He drives the speeder across the ice, and Graves uses the Icarus satellite to burn the ice behind him. He falls off, and is only saved from falling into the ocean by the parachute the speeder uses as a brake.
BB: Right… (Looks over at MGW. Their eyes meet dubiously.)
Wade: The laser from Icarus is coming right for him, cutting through the ice, so he unties the parachute and uses a bit of the speeder-
Tamahori: - as a surfboard to parasail through the ice! (MGW’s finger hovers over a row of buttons, but cannot decide between the one labelled “Tamahori” and the one labelled “Purvis & Wade”.)
BB: And then he…?
Purvis: Then he knocks out a convenient guard, steals his ice bike, and heads back to the ice palace to save Jinx.
MGW: Ah, now he’ll use his... invisible car.
Wade: Yes, he has a car chase with Zao -
Tamahori: -which we intercut with Jinx nearly drowning. By now the audience will have really grown to like Jinx and won’t want to see her go.
Purvis: Yes, they’ll like her witty charm and want to see more of her.
Tamahori: Can’t see anything going wrong with that!
Ford: Ah, come in Mr Craig, how are you?
Craig: Just fine, Mr Ford, thank you. I’d like to get fitted for some new suits for the next James Bond film.
Ford: Of course, of course. Just slip off your jacket please… stand over here while I get my tape measure…. I take it you were happy with the suits last time?
Craig: Yes, but I have one request- could you make them a bit tighter this time?
Ford: Tighter?
Craig: Yes, I still had some room to move in those suits.
Ford: Well, if that’s what you want… (Measuring.) So where are you off to this time? Australia perhaps, or maybe the Far East?
Craig: Mainly London and Scotland.
Ford: Oh. Maybe I should be fitting you for a raincoat then?
Craig: Just the suits, thanks. Could you take that in a bit round the waist, please?
Ford: If that’s what you want.
Craig: (Gasping for breath.) No, tighter- tighter!
Ford: But Mr Craig…
Craig: Tighter!
Ford: Mr Craig, it’s made of wool, not clingfilm. Wool is not supposed to be pulled that tight, but I can take a shot.
Craig: Take the bloody shot!
2020. (The Silencer & Black Garter. Barbel and Higgins sit at a table by the window.)
Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there. (Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted. (Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...
This one is another collaboration: The Mighty Barbel feat. C&D (in a purely supporting role):
1964. (Royal Premiere of “Goldfinger”.)
(In the limousine.)
The Duke: Good heavens, Elizabeth, you know how I hate these things.
The Queen: It is an essential part of one’s role, Philip. And I know you enjoyed the last one.
The Duke: I know, I know. Still, one has to speak to these appalling show business people and be polite to them.
The Queen: Ah yes, about that- do make an effort tonight, please be polite.
The Duke: Of course, aren’t I always?
The Queen: Hmph…
(At the designated theatre.)
Harry: Ah, here they come now. Everyone ready? (General murmurs of assent.)
Cubby: Remember, no-one speaks until the Queen speaks to them. (The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
Harry: Good eve-
Cubby: Harry!
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby/Harry: Good evening, ma’am.
Cubby: Your Highness, may I present 007 himself, Mr Sean Connery.
The Duke: Ahh, Mr Connery, it’s so good to see you play James Bond again.
Sean: Thanksh, your Royal Highnesh.
The Queen: Tell me, Mr Connery, when you’re acting in the role: what percentage of Bond is you, and what percentage is Mr Fleming?
Sean: Umm, about five pershent is me…
Harry: Don’t talk to me about five bloody percent! You….
Cubby: (Quickly.) Harry!
The Queen: I gather you learned to play golf during filming, Mr Connery.
Sean: Quite sho, M’am. Lovely shport. I’ve been teaching Mish Blackman and Mish Eaton, too.
The Duke: I’d like to play a round with those two…
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: May I present our leading lady, Miss Honor Blackman?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Blackman.
Honor: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Our villain, ma’am, Herr Gert Frobe.
The Queen: Guten Abend, Herr Fröbe.
Gert: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Queen: Ist dies Ihr erster Aufenthalt in Grossbritannien?
Gert: Ja, Ihre Majestät, es ist mein erster Besuch. Es ist sehr schöhn hier.
The Queen: Oh Danke, Herr Fröbe.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
The Queen: It wasn’t that when you were talking to Melina Mercouri!
Harry: May I now present our golden girl herself, Miss Shirley Eaton.
The Queen: Miss Eaton. How on earth did they cover you with gold paint?
Shirley: With a very small paint brush, Your Majesty. It took ninety minutes. The crew were very helpful too, they were all on set to lend a hand if needed…
The Duke: (To the Queen.) Perhaps we could visit the set next time they’re making one of these films?
The Queen: I thought you said you hated these things, Philip?
The Duke: Umm, well it’s an essential part of one’s role, dear…
Cubby: And here is another of our villains, Mr Harold Sakata:
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Sakata.
Harold: Oddjob, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Well, I suppose you are right. It is, but when one is born to it one really doesn’t have much choice.
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.
"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,746Chief of Staff
2020. (The Silencer & Black Garter. Barbel and Higgins sit at a table by the window.)
Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there. (Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted. (Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...
Gilbert: ...then James Bond comes into your helicopter and you say “Welcome to California, Mr Bond.”
Corinne: And then I take my clothes off, n’est pas?
Gilbert: No, no, you wait for him to say his line then you say “My name is Corinne Dufour.”
Corinne: Ah, and then I take my clothes off.
Gilbert: No, Corinne, you’re just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation.
Corinne: O.
Moore: Look, Lewis, if she’s really desperate to-
Gilbert: No, just say the lines and let’s shoot the scene.
Gilbert: ...and then you walk up to James Bond and Hugo Drax saying “Am I too soon?”
Corinne: Shall I take my clothes off before I say the line or after?
Gilbert: You don’t take your clothes off at all.
Lonsdale: Are you sure about this, Lewis? I mean it might add a certain je ne sais quoi, don’t you think?
Moore: Yes, I agree.
Gilbert: I’m shooting an “A” certificate film here, gentlemen. Her clothes stay on.
Gilbert: Now, Corinne, James Bond comes into your room and you say “My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date.”
Corinne: I see.
Gilbert: And after he says “Why indeed?” he kisses you.
Corinne: And then I-
Gilbert: No, I’ve told you before.
Corinne: But it is very clear that we will make love!
Gilbert: Yes, I know, but we have to imply that rather than make it clear.
Corinne: But on my last movie-
Gilbert: Ah yes, I know about your last movie but we can’t do that here.
Gilbert: It’s your last scene, Corinne. Drax is going to set his vicious dogs on you and they will kill you. You walk up to him saying “You sent for me, Mr Drax?”
Corinne: And the dogs rip my clothes off? Even the boots I am sometimes wearing and sometimes not?
Gilbert: I suppose so. Eventually.
I know that I’m fairly new here and that it is nearly all men who post. But as woman, I really don’t appreciate the following lines:
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
This thread is fun and I read the posts for escapism and entertainment, sometimes after a difficult day.
Maybe in future a warning could be added at the beginning of a post like this and the words in spoiler tags?
I know that I’m fairly new here and that it is nearly all men who post. But as woman, I really don’t appreciate the following lines:
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
This thread is fun and I read the posts for escapism and entertainment, sometimes after a difficult day.
Maybe in future a warning could be added at the beginning of a post like this and the words in spoiler tags?
I realise my post won’t be the most popular.
And why shouldn't it be? I thought your comments and suggestions were more than justified. Would be great to have more women here.
"Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact". - Homer J Simpson
Just had to lend a word of support to all the contributors on this thread. A big thank
You for all the laughs you've given me, sometimes that's all I need, I don't have to judge your taste, politics or ideology. Simply to read a double entendre is enough after a long day. Hey if it was good enough for Austin Powers it's good enough for me.
To all keep posting, it's all in fun, {[]
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Thank you, TP, very much appreciated. There are more Imaginary Conversations in the pipeline, don't worry.
The PM system here works just fine, and I'm happy to discuss future collaborations there with anyone who would like to join in. Or any other matters, of course.
This appears under my name but it is the work of a member who wishes to remain anonymous- he's using the name Stormy LadyGarden.
1985. (Paris. In an insurance office, an assessor enters to talk to a claimant.)
Taxi driver: Are you English?
Insurer: Yes, I am. Please, we just need to go over a few of the details...
Driver: Very well.
Insurer: Please, in your own words tell me what happened.
Driver: Well, I was gently thumbing an old Balzac...
Insurer: I beg your pardon?
Driver: I'd finished reading El Verdugo under the Eiffel Tower....
Insurer: Ah yes, like the one in Blackpool.
Driver: Certainly not, ours is bigger!!!
Insurer: Size isn't everything, it's what you do with it.
Driver: And what do you do with yours?
Insurer: We have meals, dances, galas, balls...
Driver: Have you held many balls in Blackpool?
Insurer: Look, I did what I had to to get this job, now please continue.
Driver: I began to prepare my lunch, I had some fromage, sausage and bread along with a small selection of different wines.
Insurer: Had you a Sémillon?
Driver: No, wine doesn't excite me like that.
Insurer: I see.
Driver: In my mirror I noticed an Englishman moving towards my car.
Insurer: How did you know he was English?
Driver: By how he was dressed- not in the traditional England top and shorts, throwing plastic seating across the square, but in a beautiful tuxedo and bow tie. At first I thought it was Calvin Dyson in a jacket but no.
Insurer: He approached your car, yes?
Driver: Oui. I said NO English!!!!!
Insurer: A bit rude wasn't it?
Driver: Hey, I am Parisian, the tourists expect it of us.
Insurer: I'm unsure of your writing here- is that pulled off or......
Driver: Pulled out! He reached in and pulled me out throwing me across the road to fall on a table full of pictures- from an American artist I think.
Insurer: Pollock’s?
Driver: Non, it is true!! Then he took off faster than a buttered pig, I chased after but he was so fast
Insurer: Driving erratically ?
Driver: He was as bad as Ant McPartlin coming home from a pub Sunday lunch. Even gate-crashed a wedding later on, totally turning my car in to a right lemon.
Insurer: Only half was returned to you
Driver: Oui, I said what am I do do with an engine and two wheels, it's not a motorbike you know, and you won't believe what he said to me...
Insurer: Oh what was that?
Driver: If it's a lemon, could I add a thin slice of it to three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet and shake it over ice….
McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys!
Harry: Hmph.
Cubby: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always. Then there's a great theme tune by John Barry, maybe sung by Shirley or perhaps that new Welsh guy?
Cubby: Ok, what next?
McClory: Well, we have all that Shrublands stuff, then we get to the Bahamas.
Harry: We have a new female villain, Kevin, you're gonna love her, Fiona Kelly, she's Irish, a real Irish pain in Bond's a...
McClory: Hmph! We'll see about that.
Cubby: Ok, anything else?
McClory: Emilio Largo, of course, and the great Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, explosions!
Cubby: It's lucky we have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Brigitte Bardot as Domino-
Harry: Kevin…
McClory: I want Marlon Brando as Largo-
Cubby: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.
1983. (Warner Brothers Production Offices.)
McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys! But it's got to stick close to Thunderball or I'm toast.
Kershner: No worries, Kevin, Thunderball it is. Though we’ll disguise it as much as possible.
Schwartzman: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always.
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out. Eon lawyers.
McClory: Ah. Well, I’d like really great music to start the film.
Schwartzman: I’ve hired Michel Legrand.
McClory: He’s a wonderful composer.
Schwartzman: Yes, I can’t see anything going wrong there. As long as it doesn’t sound too close to James Bond music.
McClory: Oh. Well, at least we have the female villain, Jack, you're gonna love her, Fiona Volpe, she's Italian, a real...
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out too.
McClory: Eon lawyers? (Schwartzman nods.)
Kershner: We have Fatima Blush.
McClory: What, no Fiona? (Grumpily.) Well they can't change our Italian villain, Emilio Largo...
Kirshner: Our German villain, Maximilian Largo.
McClory: What? Next thing you'll tell me, we can't have the Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, or explosions! (They pause for a few seconds.)
Schwartzman: I think Cubby said we could keep the explosions...
Kershner: ...though we might have to check with Cubby's lawyers about that...
McClory: Lawyers! It's almost as if someone else wrote this story!
Schwartzman: It's lucky I have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Goldie Hawn as Domino-
Kerschner: Kevin…
McClory: I want John Travolta as Largo-
Schwartzman: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.
McClory: And I want Max von Sydow as Blofeld!
Schwartzman: (Whispers to Kershner.) How quickly can you shoot Blofeld’s part?
Kershner: (Whispers to Schwartzman.) Two days, three days tops.
Schwartzman: (Aloud.) Ok, Kevin, that one you can have.
McClory: And the white cat?
Schwartzman: Tiddles is still under contract to Eon, but I think we can get Snowy...
Kershner: Ok, so apart from a couple of minor changes, who’s gonna notice the difference between ours and an Eon film!
McClory: Years from now, it’ll still be hailed as the best Bond film ever!
Kershner: All right, I think that’s everything ready- please go and ask Mr Connery to join us. (A few moments later, Sean Connery appears.)
Connery: Morning, Irvin. I’m all shet and ready for the big car chashe shcene.
Kershner: Ah, yes, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that.
Connery: Where’sh the Ashton Martin?
Kershner: Cubby’s lawyers say we can’t have an Aston Martin.
Connery: That’sh a pity, I’d been looking forward to driving one of thoshe again. Well, no matter, I’ll jusht have to have a Lotush Eshprit like Roger doesh.
Irvin: Afraid not, Sean, Jack says we can’t afford that.
Connery: Well, what have we got then? A BMW perhapsh?
Kershner: Ah, no…. (Kershner moves aside to reveal a motorbike.)
Connery: A motorbike?
Kershner: Yes, that’s what we have.
Connery: Are you kidding me? It’s the big chashe shcene and I’m on a motorbike?
Kershner: That’s it. We film you putting on a crash helmet, the stuntman does the scene, then we film you taking off the crash helmet. Easy!
Connery: I don’t shupposhe there wash any choice?
Kershner: Well, you could have a Mini if you like.
Connery: A Mini. Really. Look, Irvin, thish ishn’t “The Italian Job” and I’m Jamesh friggin’ Bond, not Michael friggin’ Caine.
1999. (The Wade residence. Jack is pottering about in his garden.)
Jack: Dum-dee-dum… (Waters his banyan tree.)
Mrs Wade: Jack! Phone call for you.
Jack: With you in one moment, honey. (Jack unhurriedly puts down his gardening tools and wanders towards the house.)
Mrs Wade: Here you go, honey. (Hands Jack the phone.)
Jack: Hello? Hello? … Hmm, there’s no-one there.
Mrs Wade: He did sound as if he were in a bit of a hurry.
Jack: Did he sound American?
Mrs Wade: Well, only a little bit American. It sounded more as if he were Irish trying to sound English.
Jack: Did he give his name?
Mrs Wade: Steve Assbrit, I think. Or something like that.
Jack: Steve Assbrit. (Chuckles.) Ah, I know who that was. Well, if he’s really needing me he’ll call back.
1997. (Recording the soundtrack to “Tomorrow Never Dies”. David Arnold, composer, chats with Nicholas Dodd, conductor.)
David: ...so the brass comes in like on “From Russia With Love”.
Nic: Yeah, got that. Do you want to go for a take?
David: Give me five, let me talk to the orchestra first. (David goes out into the orchestra.)
David: So, brass, are you all okay with the score? (General murmurs of assent.)
David: Lead trumpet, I’m wanting this part here (Points to score.) to sound like the intro to “From Russia With Love”, are you okay with that?
Derek: Yes, no problem.
David: And this part, here, I want it to go “Wah-wah” like in “Goldfinger”- do you think you can do that?
Derek: (Smiling.) Well, I would think so- that was me.
David: (Impressed.) Really? Well, how about this bit when I want the trumpets to sound like the way the way “007” was played in “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Derek: Yes, I can do that- that was me too.
David: (Really impressed.) ….ah, ok, and this part here- can you sound like on “Thunder-
Derek: Let me save you some trouble- it’s all me. My name’s Derek Watkins. I’ve played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores.
David: Squee! Squee!
2nd trumpet: Yeah, it’s true. The boys call him “Chops”.
David: Hey, Nic! Come down here! You’ve gotta meet this guy!
Nic: (Coming down into the orchestra.) What is it, David?
David: This here’s Derek Watkins- he’s played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores- “Goldfinger”, “Thunderball”, you name it.
David and Nic: Squee! Squee!
Derek Watkins (1945-2013) Lead trumpeter on all the official Bond scores until his death. If you're reading this, you have heard him. Many, many times!
“Chops”- this is a slang term among musicians for ability or talent, eg “Does he have the chops for this?”. For someone to have this as a personal nickname is a sign of the highest degree of respect. Mr Watkins was known as “Chops” by his colleagues.
1969-ish. A flat off the King's Road.
Two people sit cross-legged on the floor before a table laden with a cocktail shaker, two, now empty, Martini glasses, and a stack of colourful picture cards.
MoneyPenny: Oh James, when you invited me over this evening, I had so many other things in mind.
James: C'mon, Penny. You know exactly what I want from you.
MoneyPenny (sighing): Oh very well. (She reaches across the table, picks up a card, and shows it to Bond. On it is a picture of a fish.) And this one?
James: Ummmm.... Of course. Pterois Volitans. Other fish avoid it. Those dorsal spines are laden with venom. Handsome but deadly.
MoneyPenny (resignedly): And this? (She holds up another card; on this one is a butterfly.)
James: Ah, easy one! Nymphalis Polychloris. Though that one looks unusually small.
MoneyPenny (narrowing her eyes, and holding up another card): I’m only showing you half of this logo to make it harder for you. Any ideas?
James: Well from what I can see… it’s the symbol of the Stromberg Marine Research Laboratory. Located on Corsica, I believe.
MoneyPenny (annoyed now): Right again. But I’ll bet you a beautiful angel cake that you'll never get this one. (She holds up a third card; on this one is some kind of formula.)
James (squinting up at the ceiling): It's... it looks like the chemical structure of a plant. Orchidae Nigra. A very rare orchid indeed. Found on the banks of the River Tapirapé.
MoneyPenny (exasperated now): Bloody hell, I don't believe it! But you know this is a complete waste of time, James? There’s no way in hell you'll ever need to know these out in the field.
James: It's funny you should say that...
(Thanks to Barbel for the angel cake recipe :007) )
Comments
I especially like collaborating and this one was co-written with Charmed & Dangerous.
1974. (Royal Premiere of “The Man With The Golden Gun”).)
(The limousine draws up. The Queen and the Duke emerge, to be greeted by Harry and Cubby.)
Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby: May I present James Bond himself, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore, how nice to see you again so soon after your last successful appearance as 007.
Roger: Good evening, ma’am. It’s a pleasure as always.
The Duke: Ah, Roger! And who’s after you with this golden gun eh? Jealous agents, outraged husbands, humiliated Scots and Australians?
Roger: Funny you should say that…
Harry: Next is our leading lady, the lovely Miss Britt Ekland.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Ekland.
Britt: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: In “The Wicker Man”, I thought you were very good.
Britt: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Hmph! In “The Wicker Man” I thought your arse was very good.
The Queen: Philip!
Britt: Oh no, sir, that was not me- that was a body double.
The Duke: Body double, eh?
Britt: Yes, that’s right.
The Duke: ...don’t suppose you’ve got her number?
The Queen: Philip!!!
Harry: Next is our villain, Mr Christopher Lee.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Lee.
Christopher: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed watching you on television as Sherlock Holmes.
Christopher: Er, that would be Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh really? Well, I did enjoy your film where you play Dr Who fighting against the Daleks.
Christopher: (A little nettled.) Again, Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Hmmm. However, I am very sure I saw you playing Baron Frankenstein in more than one film, and very good you were too.
Christopher: (Eyes turning red, fangs beginning to grow.) No, ma’am, that was-
The Queen: -Peter Cushing, I see.
The Duke: Let’s move on before he bites you on the neck.
Christopher: Ah, now you’ve got it!
Cubby: May I now present another of our actresses, Mademoiselle Francoise Therry?
The Queen: And who do you play, my dear?
Francoise: Chew Mee.
The Duke: (Leaning back to speak with Roger Moore) I bet you’d like to Roger….
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Steady on old girl, I hadn’t finished. I’d bet you’d like to, ah, Roger, have a swift drink with me after?
Roger: I’d love to!
Harry: And here’s another of our villains. May I present Mr Richard Loo.
The Duke: Who?
Richard: Loo.
The Duke: Ooh. And who do you do, Mr Loo Who?
Richard: Hai Fat.
The Duke: Don’t be so hard on yourself, old boy, you’re not fat at all! (Leaning towards The Queen, whispers.) Move on quick dear, this one’s a loon.
Cubby: May I present Mr Michael Goodliffe, ma'am?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Goodliffe, and which part do you play?
Michael: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Michael Goodliffe?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug and walk on. Michael sighs.)
Harry: This is the singer of the title song, Lulu.
The Queen: Ah, good evening. Did one not see you at a Royal Command Performance?
Lulu: That’s right, ma’am.
The Queen: And what song did you sing?
Lulu: My first single.
The Queen: What was it called?
Lulu: “Shout”.
The Queen: WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
Lulu: Er, no, ma’am, it was called “Shout”.
Cubby: May I present Monsieur Herve Villechaize?
The Queen: Bonsoir, M. Villechaize.
Herve: Bonsoir, madam. My, how radiant you look in the glow of evening.
The Queen: Why, thank you.
Herve: Such a beautiful monarch I have never had the privilege of being in the presence of.
The Queen: Oh, my. (Blushes.)
Herve: Indeed, one had heard of your magnificence but nothing compares to seeing you for oneself.
The Queen: (Giggles girlishly.)
Herve: Perhaps after the premiere, you and I could meet for a small drink together?
The Queen: Well, I-
The Duke: Elizabeth!!!
Desmond: Morning, Terence!
Terence: Ah, good morning Desmond.
Desmond: Morning, Sean!
Sean: Good morning, Deshmond.
Desmond: Well, here I am all ready to go. Got my lines all learned, got the costume. So, where do you want me to stand, Terence?
Terence: Ah yes, well, you see, you’re here as “rainy day cover”, Desmond.
Desmond: Rainy day cover?
Terence: Yes, we have to take advantage of the sunlight as much as we can to make sure the scenes match up. Your set is prepared so that when there is rain or heavy clouds we can move indoors and shoot the scene where you give Sean the gadgets.
Desmond: But we’re in the Bahamas! It never rains here!
Terence: That’s not quite true, but we have to be prepared for when it does.
Desmond: So what have I to do?
Terence: Just take it easy- I’m sure you will enjoy yourself here.
(A week later.)
Desmond: Are you ready for me yet, Terence?
Terence: No, we’re still shooting scenes on beaches. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure that you don’t miss your cue.
Desmond: Oh, very funny.
(A week later.)
Desmond: (On phone.) ...no, darling, I still don’t know… could be any time, I’ve just to stay on standby… oh, lying in the sun, going for walks… yes, I’m sure you would.. well, I didn’t know, did I?… yes, love you too.
(A week later.)
Sean: Hey, look up at the shky Terence.
Terence: What’s that? Oh, yes, it’s a cloud!
Assistant: Do you want me to call for Mr Llewelyn, Mr Young?
Terence: No, wait- it’s going away again. Right, positions everyone!
(A week later.)
Terence: It’s raining! Send for Desmond!
(A flustered Desmond arrives on set.)
Desmond: Ah, at last!
Terence: Wait a minute- you’re brown as a berry!
Desmond: Well of course I am, I’ve been lying about in the sun waiting for you to send for me.
Terence: But Q has only just arrived from London- we’ll have to make you up to look paler.
Desmond: But… but…
Terence: Off to make-up with you!
(One hour later.)
Desmond: Right, here I am, all made-up and ready to go.
Terence: Yes, that looks much better.
Assistant: Sun’s shining again, Mr Young.
(Desmond groans.)
Terence: Okay, everyone back to the beach! Except you, Desmond, back to the hotel.
Desmond: ...again?
(A week later.)
Desmond: Finally- rain!
Terence: Right, positions everyone… and action!
Desmond: Now pay attention, 007, I’ve got this… this… er...
Terence: Cut! I thought you knew the lines, Desmond!
Desmond: Well, I did when I arrived.
Terence: No problems- we’ll just get the... Q cards.
Purvis: ..so James is running away from the bad guys, and he leaps into Graves’ speeder. You know, the one we set up earlier.
MGW: Why doesn’t he take his own car? You know, the one that’s… (Shudders.) … invisible?
Wade: We’re saving that for the next scene.
Tamahori: He drives the speeder across the ice, and Graves uses the Icarus satellite to burn the ice behind him. He falls off, and is only saved from falling into the ocean by the parachute the speeder uses as a brake.
BB: Right… (Looks over at MGW. Their eyes meet dubiously.)
Wade: The laser from Icarus is coming right for him, cutting through the ice, so he unties the parachute and uses a bit of the speeder-
Tamahori: - as a surfboard to parasail through the ice!
(MGW’s finger hovers over a row of buttons, but cannot decide between the one labelled “Tamahori” and the one labelled “Purvis & Wade”.)
BB: And then he…?
Purvis: Then he knocks out a convenient guard, steals his ice bike, and heads back to the ice palace to save Jinx.
MGW: Ah, now he’ll use his... invisible car.
Wade: Yes, he has a car chase with Zao -
Tamahori: -which we intercut with Jinx nearly drowning. By now the audience will have really grown to like Jinx and won’t want to see her go.
Purvis: Yes, they’ll like her witty charm and want to see more of her.
Tamahori: Can’t see anything going wrong with that!
Ford: Ah, come in Mr Craig, how are you?
Craig: Just fine, Mr Ford, thank you. I’d like to get fitted for some new suits for the next James Bond film.
Ford: Of course, of course. Just slip off your jacket please… stand over here while I get my tape measure…. I take it you were happy with the suits last time?
Craig: Yes, but I have one request- could you make them a bit tighter this time?
Ford: Tighter?
Craig: Yes, I still had some room to move in those suits.
Ford: Well, if that’s what you want… (Measuring.) So where are you off to this time? Australia perhaps, or maybe the Far East?
Craig: Mainly London and Scotland.
Ford: Oh. Maybe I should be fitting you for a raincoat then?
Craig: Just the suits, thanks. Could you take that in a bit round the waist, please?
Ford: If that’s what you want.
Craig: (Gasping for breath.) No, tighter- tighter!
Ford: But Mr Craig…
Craig: Tighter!
Ford: Mr Craig, it’s made of wool, not clingfilm. Wool is not supposed to be pulled that tight, but I can take a shot.
Craig: Take the bloody shot!
(With thanks to C&D)
Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there.
(Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted.
(Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...
(Thanks to C&D for the ending)
This one is another collaboration: The Mighty Barbel feat. C&D (in a purely supporting role):
1964. (Royal Premiere of “Goldfinger”.)
(In the limousine.)
The Duke: Good heavens, Elizabeth, you know how I hate these things.
The Queen: It is an essential part of one’s role, Philip. And I know you enjoyed the last one.
The Duke: I know, I know. Still, one has to speak to these appalling show business people and be polite to them.
The Queen: Ah yes, about that- do make an effort tonight, please be polite.
The Duke: Of course, aren’t I always?
The Queen: Hmph…
(At the designated theatre.)
Harry: Ah, here they come now. Everyone ready?
(General murmurs of assent.)
Cubby: Remember, no-one speaks until the Queen speaks to them.
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
Harry: Good eve-
Cubby: Harry!
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby/Harry: Good evening, ma’am.
Cubby: Your Highness, may I present 007 himself, Mr Sean Connery.
The Duke: Ahh, Mr Connery, it’s so good to see you play James Bond again.
Sean: Thanksh, your Royal Highnesh.
The Queen: Tell me, Mr Connery, when you’re acting in the role: what percentage of Bond is you, and what percentage is Mr Fleming?
Sean: Umm, about five pershent is me…
Harry: Don’t talk to me about five bloody percent! You….
Cubby: (Quickly.) Harry!
The Queen: I gather you learned to play golf during filming, Mr Connery.
Sean: Quite sho, M’am. Lovely shport. I’ve been teaching Mish Blackman and Mish Eaton, too.
The Duke: I’d like to play a round with those two…
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: May I present our leading lady, Miss Honor Blackman?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Blackman.
Honor: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Our villain, ma’am, Herr Gert Frobe.
The Queen: Guten Abend, Herr Fröbe.
Gert: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Queen: Ist dies Ihr erster Aufenthalt in Grossbritannien?
Gert: Ja, Ihre Majestät, es ist mein erster Besuch. Es ist sehr schöhn hier.
The Queen: Oh Danke, Herr Fröbe.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
The Queen: It wasn’t that when you were talking to Melina Mercouri!
Harry: May I now present our golden girl herself, Miss Shirley Eaton.
The Queen: Miss Eaton. How on earth did they cover you with gold paint?
Shirley: With a very small paint brush, Your Majesty. It took ninety minutes. The crew were very helpful too, they were all on set to lend a hand if needed…
The Duke: (To the Queen.) Perhaps we could visit the set next time they’re making one of these films?
The Queen: I thought you said you hated these things, Philip?
The Duke: Umm, well it’s an essential part of one’s role, dear…
Cubby: And here is another of our villains, Mr Harold Sakata:
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Sakata.
Harold: Oddjob, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Well, I suppose you are right. It is, but when one is born to it one really doesn’t have much choice.
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.
I think you’ve captured me perfectly there -{
Too modest, C&D.
Gilbert: ...then James Bond comes into your helicopter and you say “Welcome to California, Mr Bond.”
Corinne: And then I take my clothes off, n’est pas?
Gilbert: No, no, you wait for him to say his line then you say “My name is Corinne Dufour.”
Corinne: Ah, and then I take my clothes off.
Gilbert: No, Corinne, you’re just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation.
Corinne: O.
Moore: Look, Lewis, if she’s really desperate to-
Gilbert: No, just say the lines and let’s shoot the scene.
Gilbert: ...and then you walk up to James Bond and Hugo Drax saying “Am I too soon?”
Corinne: Shall I take my clothes off before I say the line or after?
Gilbert: You don’t take your clothes off at all.
Lonsdale: Are you sure about this, Lewis? I mean it might add a certain je ne sais quoi, don’t you think?
Moore: Yes, I agree.
Gilbert: I’m shooting an “A” certificate film here, gentlemen. Her clothes stay on.
Gilbert: Now, Corinne, James Bond comes into your room and you say “My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date.”
Corinne: I see.
Gilbert: And after he says “Why indeed?” he kisses you.
Corinne: And then I-
Gilbert: No, I’ve told you before.
Corinne: But it is very clear that we will make love!
Gilbert: Yes, I know, but we have to imply that rather than make it clear.
Corinne: But on my last movie-
Gilbert: Ah yes, I know about your last movie but we can’t do that here.
Gilbert: It’s your last scene, Corinne. Drax is going to set his vicious dogs on you and they will kill you. You walk up to him saying “You sent for me, Mr Drax?”
Corinne: And the dogs rip my clothes off? Even the boots I am sometimes wearing and sometimes not?
Gilbert: I suppose so. Eventually.
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
This thread is fun and I read the posts for escapism and entertainment, sometimes after a difficult day.
Maybe in future a warning could be added at the beginning of a post like this and the words in spoiler tags?
I realise my post won’t be the most popular.
And why shouldn't it be? I thought your comments and suggestions were more than justified. Would be great to have more women here.
You for all the laughs you've given me, sometimes that's all I need, I don't have to judge your taste, politics or ideology. Simply to read a double entendre is enough after a long day. Hey if it was good enough for Austin Powers it's good enough for me.
To all keep posting, it's all in fun, {[]
The PM system here works just fine, and I'm happy to discuss future collaborations there with anyone who would like to join in. Or any other matters, of course.
If only!
1985. (Paris. In an insurance office, an assessor enters to talk to a claimant.)
Taxi driver: Are you English?
Insurer: Yes, I am. Please, we just need to go over a few of the details...
Driver: Very well.
Insurer: Please, in your own words tell me what happened.
Driver: Well, I was gently thumbing an old Balzac...
Insurer: I beg your pardon?
Driver: I'd finished reading El Verdugo under the Eiffel Tower....
Insurer: Ah yes, like the one in Blackpool.
Driver: Certainly not, ours is bigger!!!
Insurer: Size isn't everything, it's what you do with it.
Driver: And what do you do with yours?
Insurer: We have meals, dances, galas, balls...
Driver: Have you held many balls in Blackpool?
Insurer: Look, I did what I had to to get this job, now please continue.
Driver: I began to prepare my lunch, I had some fromage, sausage and bread along with a small selection of different wines.
Insurer: Had you a Sémillon?
Driver: No, wine doesn't excite me like that.
Insurer: I see.
Driver: In my mirror I noticed an Englishman moving towards my car.
Insurer: How did you know he was English?
Driver: By how he was dressed- not in the traditional England top and shorts, throwing plastic seating across the square, but in a beautiful tuxedo and bow tie. At first I thought it was Calvin Dyson in a jacket but no.
Insurer: He approached your car, yes?
Driver: Oui. I said NO English!!!!!
Insurer: A bit rude wasn't it?
Driver: Hey, I am Parisian, the tourists expect it of us.
Insurer: I'm unsure of your writing here- is that pulled off or......
Driver: Pulled out! He reached in and pulled me out throwing me across the road to fall on a table full of pictures- from an American artist I think.
Insurer: Pollock’s?
Driver: Non, it is true!! Then he took off faster than a buttered pig, I chased after but he was so fast
Insurer: Driving erratically ?
Driver: He was as bad as Ant McPartlin coming home from a pub Sunday lunch. Even gate-crashed a wedding later on, totally turning my car in to a right lemon.
Insurer: Only half was returned to you
Driver: Oui, I said what am I do do with an engine and two wheels, it's not a motorbike you know, and you won't believe what he said to me...
Insurer: Oh what was that?
Driver: If it's a lemon, could I add a thin slice of it to three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet and shake it over ice….
McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys!
Harry: Hmph.
Cubby: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always. Then there's a great theme tune by John Barry, maybe sung by Shirley or perhaps that new Welsh guy?
Cubby: Ok, what next?
McClory: Well, we have all that Shrublands stuff, then we get to the Bahamas.
Harry: We have a new female villain, Kevin, you're gonna love her, Fiona Kelly, she's Irish, a real Irish pain in Bond's a...
McClory: Hmph! We'll see about that.
Cubby: Ok, anything else?
McClory: Emilio Largo, of course, and the great Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, explosions!
Cubby: It's lucky we have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Brigitte Bardot as Domino-
Harry: Kevin…
McClory: I want Marlon Brando as Largo-
Cubby: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.
1983. (Warner Brothers Production Offices.)
McClory: Looking forward to the start of shooting, boys! But it's got to stick close to Thunderball or I'm toast.
Kershner: No worries, Kevin, Thunderball it is. Though we’ll disguise it as much as possible.
Schwartzman: What do you have planned, Kevin?
McClory: Ok, well we open with the gunbarrel, as always.
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out. Eon lawyers.
McClory: Ah. Well, I’d like really great music to start the film.
Schwartzman: I’ve hired Michel Legrand.
McClory: He’s a wonderful composer.
Schwartzman: Yes, I can’t see anything going wrong there. As long as it doesn’t sound too close to James Bond music.
McClory: Oh. Well, at least we have the female villain, Jack, you're gonna love her, Fiona Volpe, she's Italian, a real...
Schwartzman: Sorry Kevin, that's out too.
McClory: Eon lawyers?
(Schwartzman nods.)
Kershner: We have Fatima Blush.
McClory: What, no Fiona? (Grumpily.) Well they can't change our Italian villain, Emilio Largo...
Kirshner: Our German villain, Maximilian Largo.
McClory: What? Next thing you'll tell me, we can't have the Bond theme, Disco Volante, Palmyra, or explosions!
(They pause for a few seconds.)
Schwartzman: I think Cubby said we could keep the explosions...
Kershner: ...though we might have to check with Cubby's lawyers about that...
McClory: Lawyers! It's almost as if someone else wrote this story!
Schwartzman: It's lucky I have deep pockets…
McClory: I want Goldie Hawn as Domino-
Kerschner: Kevin…
McClory: I want John Travolta as Largo-
Schwartzman: Kevin! I know I said deep pockets, but not that deep.
McClory: And I want Max von Sydow as Blofeld!
Schwartzman: (Whispers to Kershner.) How quickly can you shoot Blofeld’s part?
Kershner: (Whispers to Schwartzman.) Two days, three days tops.
Schwartzman: (Aloud.) Ok, Kevin, that one you can have.
McClory: And the white cat?
Schwartzman: Tiddles is still under contract to Eon, but I think we can get Snowy...
Kershner: Ok, so apart from a couple of minor changes, who’s gonna notice the difference between ours and an Eon film!
McClory: Years from now, it’ll still be hailed as the best Bond film ever!
(With thanks to Barbel for the great gags! {[] )
Kershner: All right, I think that’s everything ready- please go and ask Mr Connery to join us.
(A few moments later, Sean Connery appears.)
Connery: Morning, Irvin. I’m all shet and ready for the big car chashe shcene.
Kershner: Ah, yes, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that.
Connery: Where’sh the Ashton Martin?
Kershner: Cubby’s lawyers say we can’t have an Aston Martin.
Connery: That’sh a pity, I’d been looking forward to driving one of thoshe again. Well, no matter, I’ll jusht have to have a Lotush Eshprit like Roger doesh.
Irvin: Afraid not, Sean, Jack says we can’t afford that.
Connery: Well, what have we got then? A BMW perhapsh?
Kershner: Ah, no….
(Kershner moves aside to reveal a motorbike.)
Connery: A motorbike?
Kershner: Yes, that’s what we have.
Connery: Are you kidding me? It’s the big chashe shcene and I’m on a motorbike?
Kershner: That’s it. We film you putting on a crash helmet, the stuntman does the scene, then we film you taking off the crash helmet. Easy!
Connery: I don’t shupposhe there wash any choice?
Kershner: Well, you could have a Mini if you like.
Connery: A Mini. Really. Look, Irvin, thish ishn’t “The Italian Job” and I’m Jamesh friggin’ Bond, not Michael friggin’ Caine.
Jack: Dum-dee-dum… (Waters his banyan tree.)
Mrs Wade: Jack! Phone call for you.
Jack: With you in one moment, honey.
(Jack unhurriedly puts down his gardening tools and wanders towards the house.)
Mrs Wade: Here you go, honey. (Hands Jack the phone.)
Jack: Hello? Hello? … Hmm, there’s no-one there.
Mrs Wade: He did sound as if he were in a bit of a hurry.
Jack: Did he sound American?
Mrs Wade: Well, only a little bit American. It sounded more as if he were Irish trying to sound English.
Jack: Did he give his name?
Mrs Wade: Steve Assbrit, I think. Or something like that.
Jack: Steve Assbrit. (Chuckles.) Ah, I know who that was. Well, if he’s really needing me he’ll call back.
(Thanks to C&D for “Steve Assbrit”- (Chuckles.) )
David: ...so the brass comes in like on “From Russia With Love”.
Nic: Yeah, got that. Do you want to go for a take?
David: Give me five, let me talk to the orchestra first.
(David goes out into the orchestra.)
David: So, brass, are you all okay with the score?
(General murmurs of assent.)
David: Lead trumpet, I’m wanting this part here (Points to score.) to sound like the intro to “From Russia With Love”, are you okay with that?
Derek: Yes, no problem.
David: And this part, here, I want it to go “Wah-wah” like in “Goldfinger”- do you think you can do that?
Derek: (Smiling.) Well, I would think so- that was me.
David: (Impressed.) Really? Well, how about this bit when I want the trumpets to sound like the way the way “007” was played in “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Derek: Yes, I can do that- that was me too.
David: (Really impressed.) ….ah, ok, and this part here- can you sound like on “Thunder-
Derek: Let me save you some trouble- it’s all me. My name’s Derek Watkins. I’ve played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores.
David: Squee! Squee!
2nd trumpet: Yeah, it’s true. The boys call him “Chops”.
David: Hey, Nic! Come down here! You’ve gotta meet this guy!
Nic: (Coming down into the orchestra.) What is it, David?
David: This here’s Derek Watkins- he’s played lead trumpet on all the Bond scores- “Goldfinger”, “Thunderball”, you name it.
David and Nic: Squee! Squee!
Derek Watkins (1945-2013) Lead trumpeter on all the official Bond scores until his death. If you're reading this, you have heard him. Many, many times!
“Chops”- this is a slang term among musicians for ability or talent, eg “Does he have the chops for this?”. For someone to have this as a personal nickname is a sign of the highest degree of respect. Mr Watkins was known as “Chops” by his colleagues.
Squee- https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Squee
Two people sit cross-legged on the floor before a table laden with a cocktail shaker, two, now empty, Martini glasses, and a stack of colourful picture cards.
MoneyPenny: Oh James, when you invited me over this evening, I had so many other things in mind.
James: C'mon, Penny. You know exactly what I want from you.
MoneyPenny (sighing): Oh very well. (She reaches across the table, picks up a card, and shows it to Bond. On it is a picture of a fish.) And this one?
James: Ummmm.... Of course. Pterois Volitans. Other fish avoid it. Those dorsal spines are laden with venom. Handsome but deadly.
MoneyPenny (resignedly): And this? (She holds up another card; on this one is a butterfly.)
James: Ah, easy one! Nymphalis Polychloris. Though that one looks unusually small.
MoneyPenny (narrowing her eyes, and holding up another card): I’m only showing you half of this logo to make it harder for you. Any ideas?
James: Well from what I can see… it’s the symbol of the Stromberg Marine Research Laboratory. Located on Corsica, I believe.
MoneyPenny (annoyed now): Right again. But I’ll bet you a beautiful angel cake that you'll never get this one. (She holds up a third card; on this one is some kind of formula.)
James (squinting up at the ceiling): It's... it looks like the chemical structure of a plant. Orchidae Nigra. A very rare orchid indeed. Found on the banks of the River Tapirapé.
MoneyPenny (exasperated now): Bloody hell, I don't believe it! But you know this is a complete waste of time, James? There’s no way in hell you'll ever need to know these out in the field.
James: It's funny you should say that...
(Thanks to Barbel for the angel cake recipe :007) )
I would actually like to see Bond being a know-it-all again.