2012. (M’s office. She sits in front of her laptop.)
M: Now, where’s the “Record” function….? Ah, here. (Coughs.) Right. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to- (Phone rings.)
M: Damn. Hello? … Yes, all right, just give me five minutes. (Hangs up.)
M: Oh bloody hell, I’ve recorded that. Now, where’s the “Delete” button….? Ah, got it. (Presses button.) Right, now let’s start again. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to to do something. Find a man called Marco Sci- Scia… Damn. (Presses button.) All right, this time. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man- (There is a knock on the door. Tanner enters.)
Tanner: Excuse me, ma’am.
M: Dammit, Tanner, what is it?
Tanner: Sorry, but you need to sign these papers immediately.
M: All right. (Signs papers.) Is that all?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, thank you. (Tanner exits.)
M: Right, this time. Oh, I’ve recorded that again. Where’s “Delete”?….Ah, here. Now…. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him... and don't miss the funeral. (Presses button.) There, that should do it. Oh damn, I’ve pressed “Delete” again! Right, one more try...
Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but one odd thing from our American friends.
M: Oh?
Q: Captured items from the volcano fortress of one Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or what's left of it.
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One state of the art video recorder-
M: What on earth is a video recorder?!
Q : It's an electronic device to record television or film feeds on a magnetic tape.
M: Amazing....
(He reaches across for some tobacco and begins filling his pipe.)
Q: Plans for a bacteriological holding and cooling system-
M: A what!!!!
Q: A fridge-like unit to keep bacteria at a dormant temperature.......
M: Fascinating!!
Q: ....and one deluxe Loving Lucy Bad Girl love doll, whatever the hell that is?
M: If it's the Deluxe model it will have life like hair and movable joints.....
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in. (Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but we did find where he’d abandoned the DB5.
M: Oh?
Q: There were one or two items left in it….
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One empty bottle of blond hair dye.
M: His or hers?
Q : Hard to tell.
M: Well, as long as the collars and cuffs match.
Q: One Nectar card, one wrist-slashing knife-
M: Well, I’m glad he left that behind.
Q: One baby’s nappy and a pram.
M: Hmmm...
Q: ....and one pair of elevator shoes. Gents, size 9.
M: It’s definitely him then.
Q: Shall I alert the teams to go find him, sir?
M: It might take them some time- I’m thinking five years or more. Perhaps I should start interviewing for a replacement...
(In the limousine.)
The Duke: So, who’s in this one then?
The Queen: That Brosnan chap again, Judi Dench-
The Duke: Mmmmm!
The Queen: That’ll be enough of that. And an American called Wholly Barely or something like that.
The Duke: Halle Berry?
The Queen: Yes, that’s it.
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine, to be greeted by MGW and BB.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr & Mrs Broccoli.
BB: Ah… good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Looking forward to this one, Wilson.
MGW: (Just grateful he got the name right.) Thank you, sir.
BB: Your Majesty, may I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan?
The Queen: Of course. How pleasant to see you again, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Always a pleasure to see you, ma’am.
The Queen: And this is your fifth time playing James Bond?
Pierce: Fourth, ma’am.
The Queen: Well, one is sure your fifth time will not be too long.
Pierce: Indeed, I’m looking forward to it very much. (MGW and BB exchange uncomfortable looks.)
MGW: Ah, moving right along, Your Majesty, you will recall Dame Judi Dench.
The Queen: Of course. It is always a pleasure, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: Have you been doing much since we met last year?
Dame Judi: Oh, 2 Oscars, 4 Emmys, and 16 BAFTA awards.
The Queen: Ah, quiet year then.
BB: Next is our villain, Mr Toby Stephens.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Stephens.
Toby: Good evening, ma’am. My mother sends her regards and best wishes.
The Queen: Your mother?
Toby: Dame Maggie Smith.
The Queen: Ah, of course. One of the foremost actresses of her generation.
Toby: The foremost, ma’am. (Dame Judi smiles sweetly at Toby before accidentally elbowing him in the crotch...)
Toby: Argh! (...hard.)
MGW: (Hurriedly.) Next, ma’am, is our delightful leading lady Miss Halle Berry.
The Queen: How nice to meet you, Miss Barely.
Halle: That’s Berry, ma’am.
The Queen: One has heard that you have recently won an Oscar?
Halle: That’s true, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Do you think you’ll win another one for your acting in this film? (Pierce and Dame Judi suddenly develop a fit of coughing.)
Halle: You never know.
BB: Our director, Mr Lee Tamahori.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Tamagotchi.
Tamahori: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your first James Bond film, one believes?
Tamahori: Yes, ma’am, though I hope it won’t be the last. (Again, BB & MGW exchange furtive looks.)
MGW: Next, ma’am,-
Tamahori: We have such wonderful effects in this film! You’re going to love our invisible car, and there’s a great scene where James parasails over ice-
MGW: (Firmly moving on.) Singing our title song is Madonna.
The Queen: ………………..ah.
The Duke: …………………..oh. (There is an awkward silence as Madonna, aware that the Queen speaks first, tries to decide whether this qualifies as talking. BB tries to fill the gap.)
BB: Madonna is acting in the film as well, Your Majesty.
The Duke: ………………..….ah.
The Queen: ………………….oh. (Another silence.)
The Duke: Will you be keeping your clothes on in this film?
The Queen: Philip!
BB: Shall we go in, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.
A police captain pulls up to a car from the fire department. They are in a valley and a road going up the hill to a strange building that's on fire. The police officers salutes a group of firefighters and shakes hands with the captain in charge of them.
PD officer: - Can you fill me in on the situation, captain?
FD officer: - I'll do my best. The building on the hill is some kind of new age temple. It's in full blaze, I don't know why a temple should burn like that. The reports on the radio from my men at the site are strangely erratic, but they seem to be full of energy and more optimistic than ever. (manic laughter, shouting and singing is heard on the radio)
PD officer: - And the fires on the road?
FD officer: - Ah, those fires.... It seems a gasoline truck is on fire just up the road. Further ahead two gasoline trucks crashed and exploded. There are also other vehicles on the road, including a smaller truck on fire and a number of limos full of what looks like Asian businesmen and blonde .... Caucasian prostitutes.
PD officer: - And the plane? Where does it fit into what has happened here?
(He points at a small plane on the side of the road. The wings are gone)
FD officer: - The plane ....... is not on fire.
PD officer: - Apparently. I wonder if some type of crime is involved in .... whatever this is. Has anyone been seen leaving the area?
FD officer: - Yes. My men saw a woman and a man in a truck that wasn't pulling a trailer left when we were driving here.
The man looked roughed up and angry. One report even claims he was crying. The woman with short hair was at the
wheel.
PD officer: -A woman driving a truck - and with short hair? But it's is a man's world south of the Rio Grande. Are we sure it wasn't another man?
(The FD officer turns to the firefighters and asks them. They reply while using a lot of descriptive hand gestures)
FD officer: - No, the men are absolutely positive it was a woman.
(They both look at the scene in front of them with awe and confusion written on their faces)
PD officer: - I wonder what sort of strange religion people practiced here .....
No insult is meant to any member here, they were just the easiest names for me to
er ....... slip in although I'm happy for them to be changed
A Monsoon palace 1983 ...... in the kitchen area ...
Gobinda : Listen up staff, the Prince has a special guest coming over and has asked for something
SPECIAL ..... suggestions ? He'll pay 3000 rupees !!
Welshboy the chef : In my home country we do many wonderful things with sheep ..
Gobinda : Yes, so we've heard !! but I was thinking of food !!
Barbel the Chef : I could get an onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and
shove it all in an animals stomach
Gobinda : In the name of Gandhi's sandals, have we No sensible suggestions ?
(From the back of the room comes a horrible screeching sound, a chef is pulling his nails
down a blackboard .....)
N24 chef : Ya'all know me. know how I earn a living. I'll cook this meal for you, but it
ain't going to be easy. I'll give the recipe for three but I'll cook it for Ten !!
so you going to ante up or play it cheap ? I don't want no volunteers, I don't
want no mates, there's too many Captains already in this kitchen.
Gobinda : What do you suggest,
N24 Chef : Something from the old country, one of the finest delicacies in all the world !!
( he bites in to a dry biscuit, as he speaks .... )
Smalahove, or stuffed sheep's head, people will be talking about it for years !!
Gobinda : Very well, begin preparations for the feast.
( He throws a bog of monies on the table and leaves ... the other chefs gather round .... )
Welshboy Chef : I didn't think it was possible
Barbel Chef : Aye, Nor I ..... it was amazing
N24 Chef : Didn't I tell you, I'd find away of getting rid of those old sheep's heads !!!!
Barbel Chef : By the way what are we eating later ?
N24 Chef : Finest venison, and I get the prize piece of this noble animal right ?
Welshboy Chef : Of Course we all knew you'd end up with the Noble Piece Prize !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Zora: Last night…
Vida: Yes?
Zora: It was a night like I have never known before.
Vida: Me too. I can hardly believe we were fighting to the death not long before.
Zora: It is true. We can never do that again.
Vida: Did you get his name?
Zora: Yes, of course. He said “My name ish Bond. Jamesh Bond.”
Vida: Jamesh…
Zora: Do you think we will ever see him again?
Vida: We cannot know. Perhaps we should ask Vavra. (Vavra, the gypsy chief, is busy overseeing the reconstruction of the camp after the fight of the night before.)
Vavra: Lift that caravan there… slowly, slowly…
Zora: Vavra?
Vavra: What? Not now! Take that pole and raise it… no, not there, further to the left…
Vida: Vavra?
Vavra: Can’t you see I’m busy?
Zora: We just want to ask you, is Kerim Bey coming back soon?
Vavra: Kerim? I suppose so, maybe in a week or two.
Vida: A week or two?
Zora: And will he be bringing his friend with him? His friend Jamesh?
Vavra: I don’t know! He didn’t say!
Vida: Oh…
Zora: We were wondering about his friend Jamesh, when will we be seeing him again?
Vavra: Have you forgotten that one of you is to marry my son?
Zora/Vida: ……...ah. About that....
No insult is meant to any member here, they were just the easiest names for me to
er ....... slip in although I'm happy for them to be changed
A Monsoon palace 1983 ...... in the kitchen area ...
Gobinda : Listen up staff, the Prince has a special guest coming over and has asked for something
SPECIAL ..... suggestions ? He'll pay 3000 rupees !!
Welshboy the chef : In my home country we do many wonderful things with sheep ..
Gobinda : Yes, so we've heard !! but I was thinking of food !!
Barbel the Chef : I could get an onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and
shove it all in an animals stomach
Gobinda : In the name of Gandhi's sandals, have we No sensible suggestions ?
(From the back of the room comes a horrible screeching sound, a chef is pulling his nails
down a blackboard .....)
N24 chef : Ya'all know me. know how I earn a living. I'll cook this meal for you, but it
ain't going to be easy. I'll give the recipe for three but I'll cook it for Ten !!
so you going to ante up or play it cheap ? I don't want no volunteers, I don't
want no mates, there's too many Captains already in this kitchen.
Gobinda : What do you suggest,
N24 Chef : Something from the old country, one of the finest delicacies in all the world !!
( he bites in to a dry biscuit, as he speaks .... )
Smalahove, or stuffed sheep's head, people will be talking about it for years !!
Gobinda : Very well, begin preparations for the feast.
( He throws a bog of monies on the table and leaves ... the other chefs gather round .... )
Welshboy Chef : I didn't think it was possible
Barbel Chef : Aye, Nor I ..... it was amazing
N24 Chef : Didn't I tell you, I'd find away of getting rid of those old sheep's heads !!!!
Barbel Chef : By the way what are we eating later ?
N24 Chef : Finest venison, and I get the prize piece of this noble animal right ?
Welshboy Chef : Of Course we all knew you'd end up with the Noble Piece Prize !
Smalahove isn't a stuffed sheep's head, instead you torch skin and fleece of the head, remove the head, and the head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Stuffed sheep's head ...... that doesn't sound overly tasty, does it?
A police captain pulls up to a car from the fire department. They are in a valley and a road going up the hill to a strange building that's on fire. The police officers salutes a group of firefighters and shakes hands with the captain in charge of them.
PD officer: - Can you fill me in on the situation, captain?
FD officer: - I'll do my best. The building on the hill is some kind of new age temple. It's in full blaze, I don't know why a temple should burn like that. The reports on the radio from my men at the site are strangely erratic, but they seem to be full of energy and more optimistic than ever. (manic laughter, shouting and singing is heard on the radio)
PD officer: - And the fires on the road?
FD officer: - Ah, those fires.... It seems a gasoline truck is on fire just up the road. Further ahead two gasoline trucks crashed and exploded. There are also other vehicles on the road, including a smaller truck on fire and a number of limos full of what looks like Asian businesmen and blonde .... Caucasian prostitutes.
PD officer: - And the plane? Where does it fit into what has happened here?
(He points at a small plane on the side of the road. The wings are gone)
FD officer: - The plane ....... is not on fire.
PD officer: - Apparently. I wonder if some type of crime is involved in .... whatever this is. Has anyone been seen leaving the area?
FD officer: - Yes. My men saw a woman and a man in a truck that wasn't pulling a trailer left when we were driving here.
The man looked roughed up and angry. One report even claims he was crying. The woman with short hair was at the
wheel.
PD officer: -A woman driving a truck - and with short hair? But it's is a man's world south of the Rio Grande. Are we sure it wasn't another man?
(The FD officer turns to the firefighters and asks them. They reply while using a lot of descriptive hand gestures)
FD officer: - No, the men are absolutely positive it was a woman.
(They both look at the scene in front of them with awe and confusion written on their faces)
PD officer: - I wonder what sort of strange religion people practiced here .....
I felt like I was on the road with them all, I could picture the scene so well.
"FD officer: - The plane ....... is not on fire.
PD officer: - Apparently" This made me laugh. Typical of so many real conversations )
No insult is meant to any member here, they were just the easiest names for me to
er ....... slip in although I'm happy for them to be changed
A Monsoon palace 1983 ...... in the kitchen area ...
Gobinda : Listen up staff, the Prince has a special guest coming over and has asked for something
SPECIAL ..... suggestions ? He'll pay 3000 rupees !!
Welshboy the chef : In my home country we do many wonderful things with sheep ..
Gobinda : Yes, so we've heard !! but I was thinking of food !!
Barbel the Chef : I could get an onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and
shove it all in an animals stomach
Gobinda : In the name of Gandhi's sandals, have we No sensible suggestions ?
(From the back of the room comes a horrible screeching sound, a chef is pulling his nails
down a blackboard .....)
N24 chef : Ya'all know me. know how I earn a living. I'll cook this meal for you, but it
ain't going to be easy. I'll give the recipe for three but I'll cook it for Ten !!
so you going to ante up or play it cheap ? I don't want no volunteers, I don't
want no mates, there's too many Captains already in this kitchen.
Gobinda : What do you suggest,
N24 Chef : Something from the old country, one of the finest delicacies in all the world !!
( he bites in to a dry biscuit, as he speaks .... )
Smalahove, or stuffed sheep's head, people will be talking about it for years !!
Gobinda : Very well, begin preparations for the feast.
( He throws a bog of monies on the table and leaves ... the other chefs gather round .... )
Welshboy Chef : I didn't think it was possible
Barbel Chef : Aye, Nor I ..... it was amazing
N24 Chef : Didn't I tell you, I'd find away of getting rid of those old sheep's heads !!!!
Barbel Chef : By the way what are we eating later ?
N24 Chef : Finest venison, and I get the prize piece of this noble animal right ?
Welshboy Chef : Of Course we all knew you'd end up with the Noble Piece Prize !
Smalahove isn't a stuffed sheep's head, instead you torch skin and fleece of the head, remove the head, and the head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Stuffed sheep's head ...... that doesn't sound overly tasty, does it?
My son spent some time in Lebanon, a few years ago and I would go to visit him. In Beirut, they have take away restaurants a bit like Subway (called Barbar - no, not Barbel!) One of the things you could have in your sub was sheep's brains! They had a picture on the wall of an open sub with 3 brains next to each other on the bread. We chose something else! They made the most amazing banana splits. Massive, with loads of fruit. :x
Absolutely horrible, and Lebonon has already seen more than its share of suffering already. The accident also revealed a system full of economic corruption.
Terribly sad news about the Beirut explosion. I hope that lessons will be learned everywhere about expediting the removal of dangerous impounded cargo in future.
Back on topic: these imaginary conversations are just going from strength to strength. ) ) )
2008. A large, darkened room, furnished only with a vast rectangular conference table, at the head of which sits a man in semi-darkness. Dozens of figures, also in shadow, sit at the desk or stand behind their counterparts. The man at the head of the table speaks.
Greene: ... OK. Next item on the agenda: recruitment.
(Voice from the back): Ahh, Mr Greene?
Greene (startled): Who said that?
(Voice from the back again): Mr Greene, it's Janet from HR here.
Greene: HR? We have HR?
Janet: Yes, Mr Greene. Quantum is an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current legislation.
Greene: Oh God. (Pauses) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've beeen chatting with our Supreme Leader, Ernst, and he advises that I need a henchman...
Janet: Or woman.
Greene: Sorry?
Janet: Henchwoman. Or better still, just henchperson.
Greene: Henchperson?
Janet: Yes.
Greene: Oh God (pauses). Ok, I need to recruit a 'henchperson'. Someone big and burly, physically imposing, dangerous, able to poke someone's eye out with their thumbs...
Janet (tutting): Oh no, no, no, Mr Greene! That would unduly prejudice a large section of the potential workforce, especially the digitally-challenged, and I don't mean those without IT skills, but those without thumbs; and besides it would breach all sorts of rules and regulations! (She unfolds a piece of paper from her pocket). Look, I've prepared something, why don't we use this? "Secret organisation seeks Henchperson. Must be willing to travel. Driving licence an advantage. Prior experience, age, lack of physical presence, lack of frightening name, lack of fighting skills not an issue. Needs clean criminal record."
Greene (burying his head in his hands): That's utterly ridiculous! That's so measly, even my sister's boy Elvis would fit the bill! And there's no way on earth I'd have someone like him as my henchma...hench-bloody-person!
Comments
M: Now, where’s the “Record” function….? Ah, here. (Coughs.) Right. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to-
(Phone rings.)
M: Damn. Hello? … Yes, all right, just give me five minutes.
(Hangs up.)
M: Oh bloody hell, I’ve recorded that. Now, where’s the “Delete” button….? Ah, got it. (Presses button.) Right, now let’s start again. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to to do something. Find a man called Marco Sci- Scia… Damn. (Presses button.) All right, this time. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man-
(There is a knock on the door. Tanner enters.)
Tanner: Excuse me, ma’am.
M: Dammit, Tanner, what is it?
Tanner: Sorry, but you need to sign these papers immediately.
M: All right. (Signs papers.) Is that all?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, thank you.
(Tanner exits.)
M: Right, this time. Oh, I’ve recorded that again. Where’s “Delete”?….Ah, here. Now…. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him... and don't miss the funeral. (Presses button.) There, that should do it. Oh damn, I’ve pressed “Delete” again! Right, one more try...
Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but one odd thing from our American friends.
M: Oh?
Q: Captured items from the volcano fortress of one Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or what's left of it.
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One state of the art video recorder-
M: What on earth is a video recorder?!
Q : It's an electronic device to record television or film feeds on a magnetic tape.
M: Amazing....
(He reaches across for some tobacco and begins filling his pipe.)
Q: Plans for a bacteriological holding and cooling system-
M: A what!!!!
Q: A fridge-like unit to keep bacteria at a dormant temperature.......
M: Fascinating!!
Q: ....and one deluxe Loving Lucy Bad Girl love doll, whatever the hell that is?
M: If it's the Deluxe model it will have life like hair and movable joints.....
And it gives me an idea.....
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but we did find where he’d abandoned the DB5.
M: Oh?
Q: There were one or two items left in it….
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One empty bottle of blond hair dye.
M: His or hers?
Q : Hard to tell.
M: Well, as long as the collars and cuffs match.
Q: One Nectar card, one wrist-slashing knife-
M: Well, I’m glad he left that behind.
Q: ....and one pair of elevator shoes. Gents, size 9.
M: It’s definitely him then.
Q: Shall I alert the teams to go find him, sir?
M: It might take them some time- I’m thinking five years or more. Perhaps I should start interviewing for a replacement...
(In the limousine.)
The Duke: So, who’s in this one then?
The Queen: That Brosnan chap again, Judi Dench-
The Duke: Mmmmm!
The Queen: That’ll be enough of that. And an American called Wholly Barely or something like that.
The Duke: Halle Berry?
The Queen: Yes, that’s it.
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine, to be greeted by MGW and BB.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr & Mrs Broccoli.
BB: Ah… good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Looking forward to this one, Wilson.
MGW: (Just grateful he got the name right.) Thank you, sir.
BB: Your Majesty, may I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan?
The Queen: Of course. How pleasant to see you again, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Always a pleasure to see you, ma’am.
The Queen: And this is your fifth time playing James Bond?
Pierce: Fourth, ma’am.
The Queen: Well, one is sure your fifth time will not be too long.
Pierce: Indeed, I’m looking forward to it very much.
(MGW and BB exchange uncomfortable looks.)
MGW: Ah, moving right along, Your Majesty, you will recall Dame Judi Dench.
The Queen: Of course. It is always a pleasure, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: Have you been doing much since we met last year?
Dame Judi: Oh, 2 Oscars, 4 Emmys, and 16 BAFTA awards.
The Queen: Ah, quiet year then.
BB: Next is our villain, Mr Toby Stephens.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Stephens.
Toby: Good evening, ma’am. My mother sends her regards and best wishes.
The Queen: Your mother?
Toby: Dame Maggie Smith.
The Queen: Ah, of course. One of the foremost actresses of her generation.
Toby: The foremost, ma’am.
(Dame Judi smiles sweetly at Toby before accidentally elbowing him in the crotch...)
Toby: Argh!
(...hard.)
MGW: (Hurriedly.) Next, ma’am, is our delightful leading lady Miss Halle Berry.
The Queen: How nice to meet you, Miss Barely.
Halle: That’s Berry, ma’am.
The Queen: One has heard that you have recently won an Oscar?
Halle: That’s true, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Do you think you’ll win another one for your acting in this film?
(Pierce and Dame Judi suddenly develop a fit of coughing.)
Halle: You never know.
BB: Our director, Mr Lee Tamahori.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Tamagotchi.
Tamahori: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your first James Bond film, one believes?
Tamahori: Yes, ma’am, though I hope it won’t be the last.
(Again, BB & MGW exchange furtive looks.)
MGW: Next, ma’am,-
Tamahori: We have such wonderful effects in this film! You’re going to love our invisible car, and there’s a great scene where James parasails over ice-
MGW: (Firmly moving on.) Singing our title song is Madonna.
The Queen: ………………..ah.
The Duke: …………………..oh.
(There is an awkward silence as Madonna, aware that the Queen speaks first, tries to decide whether this qualifies as talking. BB tries to fill the gap.)
BB: Madonna is acting in the film as well, Your Majesty.
The Duke: ………………..….ah.
The Queen: ………………….oh.
(Another silence.)
The Duke: Will you be keeping your clothes on in this film?
The Queen: Philip!
BB: Shall we go in, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.
A police captain pulls up to a car from the fire department. They are in a valley and a road going up the hill to a strange building that's on fire. The police officers salutes a group of firefighters and shakes hands with the captain in charge of them.
PD officer: - Can you fill me in on the situation, captain?
FD officer: - I'll do my best. The building on the hill is some kind of new age temple. It's in full blaze, I don't know why a temple should burn like that. The reports on the radio from my men at the site are strangely erratic, but they seem to be full of energy and more optimistic than ever. (manic laughter, shouting and singing is heard on the radio)
PD officer: - And the fires on the road?
FD officer: - Ah, those fires.... It seems a gasoline truck is on fire just up the road. Further ahead two gasoline trucks crashed and exploded. There are also other vehicles on the road, including a smaller truck on fire and a number of limos full of what looks like Asian businesmen and blonde .... Caucasian prostitutes.
PD officer: - And the plane? Where does it fit into what has happened here?
(He points at a small plane on the side of the road. The wings are gone)
FD officer: - The plane ....... is not on fire.
PD officer: - Apparently. I wonder if some type of crime is involved in .... whatever this is. Has anyone been seen leaving the area?
FD officer: - Yes. My men saw a woman and a man in a truck that wasn't pulling a trailer left when we were driving here.
The man looked roughed up and angry. One report even claims he was crying. The woman with short hair was at the
wheel.
PD officer: -A woman driving a truck - and with short hair? But it's is a man's world south of the Rio Grande. Are we sure it wasn't another man?
(The FD officer turns to the firefighters and asks them. They reply while using a lot of descriptive hand gestures)
FD officer: - No, the men are absolutely positive it was a woman.
(They both look at the scene in front of them with awe and confusion written on their faces)
PD officer: - I wonder what sort of strange religion people practiced here .....
The one report that claimed he was crying- did that, by any chance, come from a man in green trainers?
It may very well have been
I like to to think about the aftermath of Bond action scenes and what the emergency services, media etc. make of it.
er ....... slip in
A Monsoon palace 1983 ...... in the kitchen area ...
Gobinda : Listen up staff, the Prince has a special guest coming over and has asked for something
SPECIAL ..... suggestions ? He'll pay 3000 rupees !!
Welshboy the chef : In my home country we do many wonderful things with sheep ..
Gobinda : Yes, so we've heard !! but I was thinking of food !!
Barbel the Chef : I could get an onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and
shove it all in an animals stomach
Gobinda : In the name of Gandhi's sandals, have we No sensible suggestions ?
(From the back of the room comes a horrible screeching sound, a chef is pulling his nails
down a blackboard .....)
N24 chef : Ya'all know me. know how I earn a living. I'll cook this meal for you, but it
ain't going to be easy. I'll give the recipe for three but I'll cook it for Ten !!
so you going to ante up or play it cheap ? I don't want no volunteers, I don't
want no mates, there's too many Captains already in this kitchen.
Gobinda : What do you suggest,
N24 Chef : Something from the old country, one of the finest delicacies in all the world !!
( he bites in to a dry biscuit, as he speaks .... )
Smalahove, or stuffed sheep's head, people will be talking about it for years !!
Gobinda : Very well, begin preparations for the feast.
( He throws a bog of monies on the table and leaves ... the other chefs gather round .... )
Welshboy Chef : I didn't think it was possible
Barbel Chef : Aye, Nor I ..... it was amazing
N24 Chef : Didn't I tell you, I'd find away of getting rid of those old sheep's heads !!!!
Barbel Chef : By the way what are we eating later ?
N24 Chef : Finest venison, and I get the prize piece of this noble animal right ?
Welshboy Chef : Of Course we all knew you'd end up with the Noble Piece Prize !
Zora: Last night…
Vida: Yes?
Zora: It was a night like I have never known before.
Vida: Me too. I can hardly believe we were fighting to the death not long before.
Zora: It is true. We can never do that again.
Vida: Did you get his name?
Zora: Yes, of course. He said “My name ish Bond. Jamesh Bond.”
Vida: Jamesh…
Zora: Do you think we will ever see him again?
Vida: We cannot know. Perhaps we should ask Vavra.
(Vavra, the gypsy chief, is busy overseeing the reconstruction of the camp after the fight of the night before.)
Vavra: Lift that caravan there… slowly, slowly…
Zora: Vavra?
Vavra: What? Not now! Take that pole and raise it… no, not there, further to the left…
Vida: Vavra?
Vavra: Can’t you see I’m busy?
Zora: We just want to ask you, is Kerim Bey coming back soon?
Vavra: Kerim? I suppose so, maybe in a week or two.
Vida: A week or two?
Zora: And will he be bringing his friend with him? His friend Jamesh?
Vavra: I don’t know! He didn’t say!
Vida: Oh…
Zora: We were wondering about his friend Jamesh, when will we be seeing him again?
Vavra: Have you forgotten that one of you is to marry my son?
Zora/Vida: ……...ah. About that....
Smalahove isn't a stuffed sheep's head, instead you torch skin and fleece of the head, remove the head, and the head is salted, sometimes smoked, and dried. The head is boiled or steamed for about three hours, and served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes.
Stuffed sheep's head ...... that doesn't sound overly tasty, does it?
I felt like I was on the road with them all, I could picture the scene so well.
"FD officer: - The plane ....... is not on fire.
PD officer: - Apparently" This made me laugh. Typical of so many real conversations
My son spent some time in Lebanon, a few years ago and I would go to visit him. In Beirut, they have take away restaurants a bit like Subway (called Barbar - no, not Barbel!) One of the things you could have in your sub was sheep's brains! They had a picture on the wall of an open sub with 3 brains next to each other on the bread. We chose something else! They made the most amazing banana splits. Massive, with loads of fruit. :x
Back on topic: these imaginary conversations are just going from strength to strength.
Greene: ... OK. Next item on the agenda: recruitment.
(Voice from the back): Ahh, Mr Greene?
Greene (startled): Who said that?
(Voice from the back again): Mr Greene, it's Janet from HR here.
Greene: HR? We have HR?
Janet: Yes, Mr Greene. Quantum is an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current legislation.
Greene: Oh God. (Pauses) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've beeen chatting with our Supreme Leader, Ernst, and he advises that I need a henchman...
Janet: Or woman.
Greene: Sorry?
Janet: Henchwoman. Or better still, just henchperson.
Greene: Henchperson?
Janet: Yes.
Greene: Oh God (pauses). Ok, I need to recruit a 'henchperson'. Someone big and burly, physically imposing, dangerous, able to poke someone's eye out with their thumbs...
Janet (tutting): Oh no, no, no, Mr Greene! That would unduly prejudice a large section of the potential workforce, especially the digitally-challenged, and I don't mean those without IT skills, but those without thumbs; and besides it would breach all sorts of rules and regulations! (She unfolds a piece of paper from her pocket). Look, I've prepared something, why don't we use this? "Secret organisation seeks Henchperson. Must be willing to travel. Driving licence an advantage. Prior experience, age, lack of physical presence, lack of frightening name, lack of fighting skills not an issue. Needs clean criminal record."
Greene (burying his head in his hands): That's utterly ridiculous! That's so measly, even my sister's boy Elvis would fit the bill! And there's no way on earth I'd have someone like him as my henchma...hench-bloody-person!