(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Wilson and Miss Broccoli.
MGW: (Amazed that the names are correct.) Ah, good evening, Your Majesty.
BB: Good evening, ma’am.
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Craig.
Craig: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your fourth James Bond film, one believes?
Craig: That is so, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And will there be a fifth?
Craig: I’d rather slash my-
BB: Daniel!
MGW: (Hurriedly.) Our lovely leading lady, Mme Lea Seydoux.
The Queen: Good evening, Mme Seydoux.
Lea: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: And who do you play?
Lea: I play Dr Madeleine Swann.
The Queen: Ah, Madeleine and Swann as in “À la recherche du temps perdu" no doubt. (Further down the line, Purvis and Wade exchange a high five. Someone got it!)
The Duke: What? What are you going on about?
The Queen: Never mind, Philip.
BB: May I present Miss Moneypenny, the beautiful Naomie Harris?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Harris.
Naomie: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in the last one, weren’t you?
Naomie: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: And you told me you weren’t Miss Moneypenny, said you were someone called “Eve”.
Naomie: Well, I didn’t want to give away the surprise, sir.
The Duke: Hmph.
BB: Next is Christoph Waltz.
The Queen: Ah, and what part do you play, Herr Waltz?
Waltz: I play Franz Oberhauser, ma’am.
The Duke: Ha, you don’t fool me. You play that Blofeld chap, don’t you?
Waltz: Well, I-
BB: (Quickly.) No no, Your Highness, Christoph is quite right, he plays Franz Oberhauser.
The Duke: Oh no you don’t. I got fooled by that Miss Moneypenny gal, I’m not falling for that again. Where’s your white cat?
MGW: (Moving along briskly.) Next is Ralph Fiennes, who plays M.
The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fiennes.
Ralph: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Not been climbing any mountains recently, eh, Fiennes? This acting business seems a bit safer!
Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is the lovely Monica Bellucci.
The Duke: Ah, your face seems familiar.
Monica: Perhaps Your Highness has seen some of my Italian movies?
The Duke: Yes, that’ll be… Oh, er, sorry, my mistake. (Reddening.) I haven’t seen you in any Italian movies. Or any movies. Never seen any Italian movies. Oh no.
BB: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
This is perfect! The dialogue between the Duke and Naomie, Waltz and Monica are my favourite ones but they are all really good.
Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.
) This reminds me of when I was pregnant and having a check up. The nurse asked if I smoked and I said no. She then "asked are you sure!" I think I would know )
1962. (Royal Premiere of “Dr No”. As they wait for the Queen, Cubby and Harry squabble furiously.)
Harry: I get to welcome her.
Cubby: No, I do that.
Harry: Listen,you overgrown cauliflower, you wouldn’t be here if not for me.
Cubby: I wouldn’t be here if not for you? I bought the rights!
Harry: YOU bought the rights??? I think you’ll find- (The Queen’s limousine draws up. Harry and Cubby smile pleasantly as she emerges, followed by the Duke.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good-
Cubby: -Evening
Harry: Your-
Cubby: -Majesty
The Duke: Hope you’ve done a good job, men, I’ve read this book and I’m looking forward to seeing it as a film.
Cubby: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Especially the bit where Bond wakes up on the beach and sees the girl coming out of the water! I mean, she’s completely-
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Let me introduce you to our cast, ma’am. Playing James Bond is Mr Sean Connery.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I say Mr Connery– your accent, Welsh?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh…
The Duke: Irish?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh… Scotsh.
The Duke: Good idea! Where’s the bar? Mine’s a double… (Under his breath to the Queen.) Strange accent! Not sure that’ll catch on.
Cubby: May I present our stunning leading lady, Miss Ursula Andress.
The Duke: Did you say “undress”?
Cubby: No, “Andress”.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Oh. Still, there’s that scene to look forward to! You know, the one where she-
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Andress.
Ursula: Good evening, ma’am.
Harry: Playing our villain is Mr Joseph Wiseman.
The Queen: Tell me which part you play, Mr Wiseman?
Wiseman: No.
The Queen: (Surprised.) I beg your pardon? (Six heavily armed bodyguards quickly surround the Queen and Wiseman.)
Wiseman: (Nervously.) My character is called “No”- Dr No, ma’am, just like the title of the film.
The Queen: Oh, I see.
Cubby: May I introduce another of our cast, Mr Lester Pendergast.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pendergast. And who do you play?
Lester: I’m the owner of a bar in Jamaica, your Highness. My name in the film is, ahh, Puss Feller.
The Queen: (Looking back to see the Duke dawdling with Ursula.) Philip, do hurry up. Come and meet this gentleman. Puss Feller.
The Duke: Ahh, man after me own heart, good show!
Cubby: Our composer, Mr Monty Norman.
The Queen: And how are you, Mr Norman?
Monty: Delighted to meet you, ma’am.
The Queen: Do you play any of the instruments in the music?
Monty: Oh no, ma’am. I wouldn’t want to take credit for someone else’s work. (A thin, younger man in the corner has to be restrained by two of his seven friends.)
The Queen: That would never do.
Cubby: May I introduce our production designer, Mr Ken Adam? He’s responsible for our immensely impressive sets.
The Duke: How do you do Mr Adam. You must have had quite a formidable budget, eh?
Ken: Nein! I mean, ah, no, it vas a pittance, fourteen thousand pounds. I even had to paint a portrait of The Duke of Wellington. It’s a joke of course as ze real one vas stolen, if you recall, so I put it in ze villain’s lair.
The Queen: What did he say, Philip?
The Duke: Mr Adam was explaining dear, about his little artistic joke after The Duke disappeared.
The Queen: Well that’s a neat trick, Mr Adam. Perhaps you’ll show me how it’s done?
Harry: Shall we go in, Your Majesty?
The Queen: But of course. (As the Queen and the Duke enter, Harry turns to Cubby.)
Harry: (Whispers.) I bought the rights.
Cubby: Listen you....
Terence: Lighting all ready, sound good to go… Where’s Pedro?
Assistant: I haven’t seen him, Mr Young.
Terence: Well, we need him to sit watching while the gypsy girls fight, I can’t start shooting without him. (Pedro wanders onto the set, arm in arm with Ian Fleming. Both are bleary-eyed.)
Pedro: Hello there, Terence!
Ian: Good evening, Young old boy.
Terence: And where have you been?
Pedro: Ian said “Let’s go for just one drink.”
Ian: One drink, yes.
Terence: And we all know what one of your drinks is like. All right, get some make-up on Pedro and let’s get ready.
Ian: So, this is the gypsy girl fight then?
Terence: That’s right.
Ian: I’m looking forward to this! (Martine Beswick approaches Terence.)
Martine: A word with you, Terence?
Terence: Of course, Martine, what can I do for you?
Martine: Well, it’s just that when you said I could play a part in this film…
Terence: Yes? You have a part. I’m filming it soon!
Martine: I had sort of thought that it would be a speaking part!
Terence: Don’t worry, my dear, I promise that in the very next James Bond film I direct you will have a speaking part.
Martine: Well, all right.
Terence: Right, that’s Pedro here. Positions everyone, and… action! (The two gypsy girls fight, with Bond and Kerim looking on.)
Terence: Cut! Great work, everybody.
Ian: I say, Young?
Terence: (Busy, not wanting interrupted.) Yes?
Ian: You forgot the bit where they tear each others clothes off. I mean, it’s one of the highlights of that chapter in my book.
Terence: And how the hell do you expect me to get that past the censor?
Ian: Ah I see- just like the white bikini in the last movie.
Terence: Exactly.
1st Servant: Sheikh Hosein, a man approaches. He is on a camel, and has a guide.
Hosein: No visitors were expected- let me see that telescope. Ah!
1st Servant: Do you know him, sir?
Hosein: It’s an old friend of mine. We mustn’t let him see the place like this- quick, tidy everything up, put out fresh drapes.
2nd Servant: At once, sir. And some food?
Hosein: Yes, I think so. And give the place a quick hoovering- that bloody sand gets everywhere! Oh, I wish James Dyson would hurry up and invent his machine.
1st Servant: Will you be wanting to change, sir?
Hosein: Oh thanks, I forgot about that- can’t let him see me in T-shirt and jeans. Yes, get my best robes out.
1st Serving Girl: Will you be wanting us to change too, sir?
Hosein: Yes, of course. Put on those very brief outfits you wore for my birthday party.
2nd Serving Girl: What about the gold bikini?
Hosein: Good idea, but better not- a man called Lucas has reserved it, says he might want to buy it soon. (Ten minutes later, all is ready.)
Hosein: All the sand swept away? Food ready? Got the best lounging chairs out?
Servants: Yes, sir.
Hosein: Right, you lie there, you there, and you there… Just time for me to get into position… (Gets into lounging position.) Right, I think that’s it. (James Bond enters the tent, appropriately dressed.)
Bond: Assalaam alaykum.
Hosein: Alaykum assalaam.
Bond: May the peace of Allah descend upon this magnificent abode and allow a poor traveller to enter.
Hosein: May the hospitality of these miserable quarters be sufficient to your honoured needs. (Stands.) James Bond! What a delightful surprise after all these years. Do sit down, my dear fellow.
It wouldn't just be Eon- IFP would have to give their ok. These imaginary conversations include IFP characters, Eon characters, and imaginary versions of real people many of whom have passed away. The clearance involved would be very complicated if not impossible.
A phone rings.
Timmy (picking up the phone): Octopus Buildings and Maintenance, how may I help you?
Charlie (absently stirring his cup of tea): Who is it?
Timmy (straightening up): Yes sir.... where sir?.... (he turns white) umm... but of course sir... (he hangs up).
Charlie: Who was it?
Timmy (gulps): Him.
Charlie (also gulping): The chief? (Timmy nods). Where to this time? Crab Key again?
Timmy: Japan.
Charlie: Japan! What's he got in mind this time? Another underwater base with a big glass window?
Timmy (shakes his head.)
Charlie: A laboratory on a mountain top?
Timmy: Nope.
Charlie: A secret base on an oil rig?
Timmy: Well, there's good news and bad news.
Charlie: Good news first please.
Timmy: We need to build a monorail for the boss. And some cells - and a control room. Oh - and a launch pad for a rocket.
Charlie: A what!! You must be kidding!! (He pauses and reconsiders). Well we like a challenge. And we can always learn Japanese. (He laughs). At least he hasn't asked us to hollow out a volcano or something utterly ridiculous like that...
Timmy: Umm... Would you like a dram of Scotch for that tea, Charlie?
Comments
This is perfect! The dialogue between the Duke and Naomie, Waltz and Monica are my favourite ones but they are all really good.
Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.
Or the Queen and the Duke
1962. (Royal Premiere of “Dr No”. As they wait for the Queen, Cubby and Harry squabble furiously.)
Harry: I get to welcome her.
Cubby: No, I do that.
Harry: Listen,you overgrown cauliflower, you wouldn’t be here if not for me.
Cubby: I wouldn’t be here if not for you? I bought the rights!
Harry: YOU bought the rights??? I think you’ll find-
(The Queen’s limousine draws up. Harry and Cubby smile pleasantly as she emerges, followed by the Duke.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good-
Cubby: -Evening
Harry: Your-
Cubby: -Majesty
The Duke: Hope you’ve done a good job, men, I’ve read this book and I’m looking forward to seeing it as a film.
Cubby: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Especially the bit where Bond wakes up on the beach and sees the girl coming out of the water! I mean, she’s completely-
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Let me introduce you to our cast, ma’am. Playing James Bond is Mr Sean Connery.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I say Mr Connery– your accent, Welsh?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh…
The Duke: Irish?
Sean: No, your Royal Highnesh… Scotsh.
The Duke: Good idea! Where’s the bar? Mine’s a double… (Under his breath to the Queen.) Strange accent! Not sure that’ll catch on.
Cubby: May I present our stunning leading lady, Miss Ursula Andress.
The Duke: Did you say “undress”?
Cubby: No, “Andress”.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Oh. Still, there’s that scene to look forward to! You know, the one where she-
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Andress.
Ursula: Good evening, ma’am.
Harry: Playing our villain is Mr Joseph Wiseman.
The Queen: Tell me which part you play, Mr Wiseman?
Wiseman: No.
The Queen: (Surprised.) I beg your pardon?
(Six heavily armed bodyguards quickly surround the Queen and Wiseman.)
Wiseman: (Nervously.) My character is called “No”- Dr No, ma’am, just like the title of the film.
The Queen: Oh, I see.
Cubby: May I introduce another of our cast, Mr Lester Pendergast.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pendergast. And who do you play?
The Queen: (Looking back to see the Duke dawdling with Ursula.) Philip, do hurry up. Come and meet this gentleman. Puss Feller.
The Duke: Ahh, man after me own heart, good show!
Cubby: Our composer, Mr Monty Norman.
The Queen: And how are you, Mr Norman?
Monty: Delighted to meet you, ma’am.
The Queen: Do you play any of the instruments in the music?
Monty: Oh no, ma’am. I wouldn’t want to take credit for someone else’s work.
(A thin, younger man in the corner has to be restrained by two of his seven friends.)
The Queen: That would never do.
Cubby: May I introduce our production designer, Mr Ken Adam? He’s responsible for our immensely impressive sets.
The Duke: How do you do Mr Adam. You must have had quite a formidable budget, eh?
Ken: Nein! I mean, ah, no, it vas a pittance, fourteen thousand pounds. I even had to paint a portrait of The Duke of Wellington. It’s a joke of course as ze real one vas stolen, if you recall, so I put it in ze villain’s lair.
The Queen: What did he say, Philip?
The Duke: Mr Adam was explaining dear, about his little artistic joke after The Duke disappeared.
The Queen: Well that’s a neat trick, Mr Adam. Perhaps you’ll show me how it’s done?
Harry: Shall we go in, Your Majesty?
The Queen: But of course.
(As the Queen and the Duke enter, Harry turns to Cubby.)
Harry: (Whispers.) I bought the rights.
Cubby: Listen you....
Terence: Lighting all ready, sound good to go… Where’s Pedro?
Assistant: I haven’t seen him, Mr Young.
Terence: Well, we need him to sit watching while the gypsy girls fight, I can’t start shooting without him.
(Pedro wanders onto the set, arm in arm with Ian Fleming. Both are bleary-eyed.)
Pedro: Hello there, Terence!
Ian: Good evening, Young old boy.
Terence: And where have you been?
Pedro: Ian said “Let’s go for just one drink.”
Ian: One drink, yes.
Terence: And we all know what one of your drinks is like. All right, get some make-up on Pedro and let’s get ready.
Ian: So, this is the gypsy girl fight then?
Terence: That’s right.
Ian: I’m looking forward to this!
(Martine Beswick approaches Terence.)
Martine: A word with you, Terence?
Terence: Of course, Martine, what can I do for you?
Martine: Well, it’s just that when you said I could play a part in this film…
Terence: Yes? You have a part. I’m filming it soon!
Martine: I had sort of thought that it would be a speaking part!
Terence: Don’t worry, my dear, I promise that in the very next James Bond film I direct you will have a speaking part.
Martine: Well, all right.
Terence: Right, that’s Pedro here. Positions everyone, and… action!
(The two gypsy girls fight, with Bond and Kerim looking on.)
Terence: Cut! Great work, everybody.
Ian: I say, Young?
Terence: (Busy, not wanting interrupted.) Yes?
Ian: You forgot the bit where they tear each others clothes off. I mean, it’s one of the highlights of that chapter in my book.
Terence: And how the hell do you expect me to get that past the censor?
Ian: Ah I see- just like the white bikini in the last movie.
Terence: Exactly.
1st Servant: Sheikh Hosein, a man approaches. He is on a camel, and has a guide.
Hosein: No visitors were expected- let me see that telescope. Ah!
1st Servant: Do you know him, sir?
Hosein: It’s an old friend of mine. We mustn’t let him see the place like this- quick, tidy everything up, put out fresh drapes.
2nd Servant: At once, sir. And some food?
Hosein: Yes, I think so. And give the place a quick hoovering- that bloody sand gets everywhere! Oh, I wish James Dyson would hurry up and invent his machine.
1st Servant: Will you be wanting to change, sir?
Hosein: Oh thanks, I forgot about that- can’t let him see me in T-shirt and jeans. Yes, get my best robes out.
1st Serving Girl: Will you be wanting us to change too, sir?
Hosein: Yes, of course. Put on those very brief outfits you wore for my birthday party.
2nd Serving Girl: What about the gold bikini?
Hosein: Good idea, but better not- a man called Lucas has reserved it, says he might want to buy it soon.
(Ten minutes later, all is ready.)
Hosein: All the sand swept away? Food ready? Got the best lounging chairs out?
Servants: Yes, sir.
Hosein: Right, you lie there, you there, and you there… Just time for me to get into position… (Gets into lounging position.) Right, I think that’s it.
(James Bond enters the tent, appropriately dressed.)
Bond: Assalaam alaykum.
Hosein: Alaykum assalaam.
Bond: May the peace of Allah descend upon this magnificent abode and allow a poor traveller to enter.
Hosein: May the hospitality of these miserable quarters be sufficient to your honoured needs. (Stands.) James Bond! What a delightful surprise after all these years. Do sit down, my dear fellow.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Copyright clearance is the main obstacle. Parodies are fair game here, but not in print.
Something special coming up....
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
That could seriously work as a podcast.
...and a bad one may I say
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Btw, have you spotted your cameo a page back?
I was not attempting to do a Connery, I am seeing myself more like one of the pretty boys, something like a Moore/Brosnan impersonator
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Glad to hear that
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
The same in Germany ?
A phone rings.
Timmy (picking up the phone): Octopus Buildings and Maintenance, how may I help you?
Charlie (absently stirring his cup of tea): Who is it?
Timmy (straightening up): Yes sir.... where sir?.... (he turns white) umm... but of course sir... (he hangs up).
Charlie: Who was it?
Timmy (gulps): Him.
Charlie (also gulping): The chief? (Timmy nods). Where to this time? Crab Key again?
Timmy: Japan.
Charlie: Japan! What's he got in mind this time? Another underwater base with a big glass window?
Timmy (shakes his head.)
Charlie: A laboratory on a mountain top?
Timmy: Nope.
Charlie: A secret base on an oil rig?
Timmy: Well, there's good news and bad news.
Charlie: Good news first please.
Timmy: We need to build a monorail for the boss. And some cells - and a control room. Oh - and a launch pad for a rocket.
Charlie: A what!! You must be kidding!! (He pauses and reconsiders). Well we like a challenge. And we can always learn Japanese. (He laughs). At least he hasn't asked us to hollow out a volcano or something utterly ridiculous like that...
Timmy: Umm... Would you like a dram of Scotch for that tea, Charlie?