I had started writing a conversation between two waiters before I realised that what I was doing was rephrasing a classic sketch from Mitchell & Webb- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIfSQW499Xc - so I abandoned that idea!
Barbara Broccoli: So, with No Time to Die having been such a huge success…
Michael G. Wilson: Yes, that all worked out alright in the end, didn’t it?
Barbara Broccoli: Thank goodness. So what’s the plan for Bond 26?
Michael G. Wilson: Well, we probably need to pick a title. Get that nailed down first and then move on to the cast and plot.
Barbara Broccoli: Good idea, what did you have in mind?
Michael G. Wilson: Well…erm…
Barbara Broccoli:…Hurry up!
Michael G. Wilson: How about this for Bond 26: Risico…
Barbara Broccoli: Sounds like the name of an Italian construction firm...
Michael G. Wilson: Or how about The Property of a Lady…
Barbara Broccoli: Too wordy…
Michael G. Wilson: Or perhaps The Hildebrand Rarity?
Barbara Broccoli: That sounds more like a Sherlock Holmes story to me…
Michael G. Wilson: Hang about…there must be something else here…
He shuffles through his papers.
Michael G. Wilson: Or maybe…what’s this?…”untransmitted 1950s television pilot”? No, I didn’t think so.
Barbara Broccoli: I did tell you we’d run out of Fleming material someday…
Michael G. Wilson: Wait! Can’t we get the legal chaps to enquire about using “Thrilling Cities” or “The Diamond Smugglers”? There must be some sliver of Bond hidden away there…
Barbara Broccoli: (exasperatedly) How many times, Michael? There’s simply no Fleming left for us anymore. The well’s gone dry…
Michael G. Wilson: OK, I give up.
There is a knock at the door.
Michael G. Wilson: Now who could that be?
Barbara Broccolli: Just because we’ve run out of Fleming, doesn’t mean we’ve run out of literary Bond to adapt altogether. There are other Bond authors, more than willing to help…
Michael G. Wilson: Yay! We’re saved!
Raymond Benson: Good morning, everyone. So, it’s now “Raymond Benson’s James Bond in Never Dream of Dying”, right?
Michael G. Wilson: Eeekk!
James Bond walks into the office. M is waiting with two other men.
M: Good morning, 007.
James Bond: Good morning, sir. Calthorpe, Chief of Staff.
Calthorpe: Good morning.
Chief of Staff: Good day, Bond.
M: What do you know about a man called Scaramanga, 007?
James Bond: Hmm… the man with the golden gun?
M: Precisely, 007. This morning we received this little trinket- The door is flung open with a resounding crash.
Moneypenny: Now wait a minute! Someone tell me, since when do we have a Chief of Staff round here?
M: Since I put the position up last week in the classified jobs section of the Sunday Times, Miss Moneypenny. The Chief of Staff here is in charge of general organisation, filing papers, that sort of thing.
Moneypenny: But we’ve got on for eight films now without a Chief of Staff… he’s just a glorified secretary, for heaven’s sake. What can he do that I can’t?
Chief of Staff: Well…erm…
M: My hands are tied in this matter, Moneypenny. Orders from on high to “expand and diversify our working structure”. The usual government nuisances interfering with the Service, poking their noses where they don’t belong. The PM’s ego getting in the way again…as if he can ever hope to look better smoking a pipe than I do!
Moneypenny: And what about you? Caltrop, or whatever your name is.
Calthorpe: The name is Calthorpe, madam. I’m an expert on arms and armaments… Q strides into the room.
Q: Are you, really? I was under the impression that I looked after the gadgets round here!
M: (hurriedly) Yes, of course, obviously, I know that. I’m just making some minor adjustments to the personnel structure…
Moneypenny: I’m not having this! If you think you can replace us with bit-part actors from Fawlty Towers, then there’s only one answer. I’m going on strike!
Q: What a splendid idea. Bond raises an eyebrow quizzically.
James Bond: Might I suggest that you make the best use of your newly acquired free time, Penny, by allowing me to take you to dinner?
Moneypenny: Oh, James, that would be wonderful. Bond, Moneypenny, and Q walk out in protest.
M: Of all the infernal, blasted…
Chief of Staff: Something the matter, sir?
M: Nothing. Do you know anything about Scaramanga? Anything at all?
Chief of Staff: Not really.
Calthorpe: Beats me, sir.
M: You’re fired, both of you. Now get out.
James: Hurry up, Felix, let’sh get that plane. We’ve got to find the bombsh.
Felix: (Wincing.) All right, James, just give me a minute.
James: Well, come on, we don’t have much time.
Felix: I’m still sore from when you punched me.
James: Ah yesh, look Felix, I’ve shaid I’m shorry-
Felix: I mean, did you have to punch me? Really hard, in the solar plexus?
James: Felix-
Felix: Anyone else would have put their finger to their lips.
James: Yesh, but-
Felix: Or maybe put their hand over my mouth.
James: I know-
Felix: But not our James, oh no, that isn’t good enough for him! He has to punch his best friend straight in the stomach-
James: But Felix-
Felix: I mean, you could have just said “Sshh”.
Jamesh: Shaid sshh? Are you shtriving to be humouroush?
Felix: Of course not.
James: Because if you are-
Felix: You know me better than that. Anyway, if you were trying to stop me saying “Double O Seven”, why did you say it yourself 30 seconds later?
James: I did?
Felix: Yes, once you’d given the little fish a shower.
James: Oh, that. I thought he wouldn’t be lishtening.
Felix: Feeble, James, feeble.
2017. (Press Conference, “Logan Lucky”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Daniel Craig.
Daniel: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Daniel: Well, I’m here to talk about “Logan-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Daniel: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Daniel: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1999. (Press Conference, “The Thomas Crown Affair”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Pierce Brosnan.
Pierce: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Pierce: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Thomas Crown-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Pierce: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Pierce: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1990. (Press Conference, “The Hunt For Red October”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Sean Connery.
Sean: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Sean: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Hunt For-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Sean: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Sean: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1976. (Press Conference, “Shout At The Devil”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Roger Moore.
Roger: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Roger: Well, I’m here to talk about “Shout At The-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Roger: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Roger: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1971. (Press Conference, “Universal Soldier”.)
Lazenby: Where are all the reporters?
Producer: I warned you it would be like this.
Lazenby: I know, I know.
Sergeant: Good evening, sir. It is my sad and solemn duty to inform you that you are henceforth charged with property damage, vehicle theft, speeding, failing to stop at a traffic light, driving the wrong way down the road, otherwise driving in a reckless or careless manner, disturbances of the peace, resisting arrest, and possession of an illegal firearm. Do you have anything to say?
Sherriff J.W Pepper: I shore do, boy! Now your gunna goddamn listen, unnerstand? I happen to be an officer of the Louisiana State Po-leece, and this here’s my identi-ficashun. Now you just git outta here with your phoney charges before I whoop your ass, boy!
Sergeant: Add to the record: “impersonating a police officer”…
Clerk: Yes, sir.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Whaddya talking about?
Sergeant: Need I remind you, these are serious charges indeed. Would you like a lawyer to represent you in court, sir?
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Like hell I would, boy! I am a law enforcement offishur, and I don’t need some yellow-bellied sucker comin’ in with a load of legal baloney!
Sergeant: I really would recommend seeing an attorney, sir. It could help.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: This here’s the biggest load of baloney I ever saw! You boys should be thanking us, ya hear!
Sergeant: Oh? Really? Why’s that?
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Yore askin’ that? ‘cause we saved yore poor asses from the commies back in ‘Nam, obviously! Shore thing. Now lemme outta this here cell!
Mrs. Pepper: Look on the bright side, J.W. At least we won’t run into that funny Englishman again.
Sherriff J. W. Pepper: I shore hope not!
St. Mark’s Square, Venice. 1979.
Mrs. Pepper: Now ain’t that just the cutest thing! That little pigeon over there just did a darned double-take! Did you see that, J.W.? So cute!
Sherriff J.W. Pepper: It shore was, honey.
Mrs. Pepper: This is great, J.W. So relaxing! And no Englishmen for miles around!
Sherriff J.W. Pepper: You got that right.
I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker. )
Might do that next! (Unless someone beats me to it)
1977. (Eon HQ, orbiting Earth.)
Cubby: Well, I’d like to welcome back Lewis Gilbert to the Bond team. It’s been, what ten years since you directed “You Only Live Twice”?
Lewis: Yes, that’s right, Cubby.
Cubby: Let me introduce you to my right hand man, my stepson Michael G. Wilson.
Lewis: Hello, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Lewis.
Cubby: And our writers, Dick Maibaum and Christopher Wood.
Dick/Christopher: Hello.
Lewis: Hello there.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “You Only Live Twice” all over again.
Cubby: Dick and Christopher, what have you got?
Dick: We’re thinking that the villain is trying to cause war between East and West by stealing crafts belonging to them.
Christopher: Yes, using a vessel which opens up to swallow them.
Dick: In fact, that’s how we’re going to open the movie.
Christopher: Then we meet Bond, who is of course in bed with a beautiful woman-
Dick: - who’s part of a plot to kill him-
Christopher: - which of course he survives-
Dick: - then he gets his mission briefing-
Christopher: - and off he goes to an exotic location he’s not been to before-
Dick: -where he meets a series of contacts.
Christopher: Bond, while using a false name, gets to meet a villain and his glamorous secretary. After the meeting, the villain says “kill him”.
Christopher: After which the bad guys obviously try to kill him-
Dick: - and we have a car chase, with Bond and his lady in a white sports car being chased by the bad guys in a black car, trying to shoot them.
Christopher: Don’t forget the helicopter, Dick.
Dick: Oh yeah, there’s a helicopter too.
Christopher: The villain kills a sexy lady working for him by making her fall into a pool containing-
Dick: - some sort of dangerous fish. We’ll deal with that later.
Christopher: Oh, and the villain has a big strong henchman that Bond fights near the climax-
Dick: - who also ends up in the pool.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Dick: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with the stolen craft-
Christopher: - and a control room separated from the main part-
Everybody: (All together.) And a monorail!
Dick: Bond frees the imprisoned crews from the captured craft-
Christopher: - and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Guns, grenades, you name it-
Dick: - with Bond having to get into the “impregnable” control room-
Christopher: - where just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before WW3 is caused.
Dick: And we finish with Bond and the leading lady in a small boat, just about to make out-
Christopher: -before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “You Only Live Twice” at all, then.
Dick/Christopher: No, not at all.
(Let me know which ones I missed. And yes, I know that Wood and Maibaum worked separately not together)
1979. (Eon HQ, hidden under guano on a Caribbean island.)
Cubby: Well, Lewis, I think we can all agree that “The Spy Who Loved Me” was a great success and you did a wonderful job as director.
Lewis Gilbert: Thanks, Cubby.
Cubby: So, obviously we’d like to ask you back to direct the next one, “Moonraker”.
Lewis: I’d be delighted.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “The Spy Who Loved Me” all over again.
Cubby: Christopher, what have you got?
Christopher Wood: I’m thinking that the villain is going to steal a vessel belonging to the West.
MGW: Is that how we’re going to open the movie?
Christopher: Yes, then we meet Bond, who is of course with a beautiful woman-
Cubby: Is she part of a plot to kill him?
Christopher: Why, yes. Of course he survives, falling from a great height but saved by a parachute. Soon we meet the villain, who’s a billionaire businessman. Early on, he uses vicious animals to kill off a beautiful female employee.
Cubby: Ah, but does he try to kill Bond?
Christopher: Naturally, he has henchmen who try to do just that. One of them is Jaws, who always fails to kill James and survives certain death while doing so.
MGW: What about a car chase that ends up in the water when the car becomes a submarine?
Christopher: No, no, we have something completely different here- a boat chase that ends up on land when the boat becomes a hovercraft.
Lewis: And what is the villain’s plan?
Christopher: He wants to wipe out all life on Earth and then start again according to his ideals.
Lewis: I see.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Christopher: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with all sorts of gadgets-
Cubby/MGW/Lewis: (All together.) And a monorail!
Christopher: ….ah, no. No monorail.
MGW: Oh, dear. Ken will be disappointed.
Christopher: James arranges for help and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before disaster is caused. And we finish with Bond and the leading lady making out before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “The Spy Who Loved Me” at all, then?
Christopher: No, not at all.
(I feel sure I've missed some points, by all means let me know below!)
A Psychiatrists treatment room the Dr sits across from a nervous patient ........
Dr : Please this is a place of safety, feel free to tell your story in your own words.
Victor : Thank you Doctor, this has been troubling me for a long time.
Dr : Just start at the beginning.
Victor : It began really when my uncle Mario asked me to help him build his dream house.
Dr : This was in Sardinia, yes ?
Victor : Yes, he'd moved back to his homeland to follow his dream of teaching conversational
Papier-mâché to the street kids, and I'd offered to help him tile his bathroom......
Dr : Continue.
Victor : Well I was heading to the beach, I was to meet my girlfriend Janeen later, when he called.
( The Doctor nodded his head )
Victor : He said he'd finished the roof and was sitting outside drinking a glass of wine when a beautiful
white sports car zoomed past, he'd barely registered it when BOOM !!! A bloody big car just
dropped out of the sky and crashed straight through his new roof !!!
Dr : He was shocked ?
Victor : He was F*cking angry, started yelling out the lyrics to Mamma Mia, and was so annoyed he was
getting them wrong. Then the door opens and apparently this huge bloke in a blue jacket
walked out giving Uncle Mario a brief nod and walked off. Naturally Uncle Mario told me not to
bother coming round to do the tiling, as he now had a 1977 Ford Cortina parked in his living
room.
Dr : I can understand his anger.
Victor : Absolutely, totally threw off the Feng shui !! So I got ready at the beach, I had a lovely bottle
of wine, took a quick swig from it, then took out some of the sandwiches I'd bought. Various
kinds of meat fillings I was expecting, but not my favourite.
Dr : You mentioned this before ( Looking at his notes ) ... You were expecting some tongue ?
Victor : Sure, later when Janeen got back I'd fully expect to get some...
Dr : Where was Janeen at this point ?
Victor : She'd gone on a trip to some German guy's Bathyscope she said seeing something that size
rising, reminded her of me.
Dr : Phallic symbol ?
Victor : No, Stromberg I think. At this point, I took another little swig from my wine and noticed something
white moving in the water, at first I thought it might be a shark, a barracuda or a Sainsbury trolley.
Dr : What happened next ?
Victor : I took another little drink, and it turns out it's a white sports car driving out of the sea !! The guy
driving even dropped a fish out of the window before driving off. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the
same guy who drove past Uncle Mario's house.
Dr : I can see how that could have affected you.
Victor : Later in St Marks Square, I had found a great little table and was enjoying a lovely bottle of wine. As
usual Janeen was off on her adventures, taking in a tour of a local glass blowing establishment . I told
her why bother, no-one knows more about "Blowing " than her ! I even watched a group of Altar Boys
in full smock things go in to the church.
Dr : Cassocks ?
Victor : No it's true, then as I took another little drink, up pops this gondola stroke hovercraft thing, driven
by this same guy!! He took off across the square, and when Janeen got back she wouldn't believe
me. ......... Gave me Hell for that. So next time I decided to get away from water, get high.
Dr : No Victor, drugs are never the answer.
Victor : No, high in the mountains get in a bit of skiing , So I found this lovely hillside restaurant, part of
it in Stainless Steel and started drinking from a lovely bottle of wine. Janeen was off watching a
Bi-Polar or biathlon event, either way she was either very happy or sad about it. As I looked out
at the wonderful vista before me I thought of the great car to use the name
Dr : The Cortina ?
Victor : No Allegro ! ..... Next thing Bang, a bloody great pair of skis lands on the table sending everthing
all over the place crashing through the edge balustrade followed by a pair of motorbikes.
Dr : Shocking !
Victor : But, it was the same bloody guy again!!! Why is he following me? Why is he making my life hell ?
Dr : Victor have you ever thought, perhaps he's just a figment of your imagination ? Fuelled by all that wine ?
Victor : It was all so real, so life like
Dr : Why not take a break, rest up, find yourself again take a holiday ?
Victor : Well Janeen has suggested a trip next year, sounds to be uneventful.
Dr : What is it ?
Victor : A boat tour along the rivers of India
Dr : That sounds wonderful, I'm sure it will do you the world of good.
Victor : Yes, I think 1983 will be a great year for me.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Somewhere in LA, a phone rings.
MGW: Dan?
Daniel: Hey Michael, how goes it?
MGW: Dan, where are you?
Daniel: Umm...
MGW: Dan, are you in LA?
Daniel: Ok, yes, yes I am.
MGW: Dan, WTF?
Daniel: Michael, look, the film's release has been delayed, again, I just thought it would be, ah, helpful if I did a little extra publicity stunt here and there. Keep the interest going until April.
MGW: Dan, where did you get it? Have you been raiding Donk's modest collection? (Pauses) Babs is going to go chicken oriental, I think that's what you Brits call it, when she hears about this. (Pauses again) Did Rachel put you up to this again?
Daniel: C'mon Mikey, you're happy for me to reference Sean through the DB5, the suits, the whole Blofeld thing... what's wrong with me borrowing the odd prop from the old days here or there too?
(While based on truth, the following is highly fictionalised.)
1963. (MGM studios.)
Norman Felton: Good to see you, Ian, glad you could make it.
Ian Fleming; I’m glad to be here.
Norman: Can I get you anything? Cup of coffee, perhaps?
Ian: What? Oh yes, this is our first meeting. Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?
Norman: Er… just give me a minute, will you…? (Fleming watches carefully as the deep glass becomes frosted with the pale golden drink, slightly aerated by the bruising of the shaker. He reaches for it and takes a long sip.)
Ian: Excellent, but if you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.
Norman: Er… yes.
Ian: Now, what can I do for you?
Norman: We’re keen to launch a new action/adventure TV series and would very much like to involve you in setting it up.
Ian: Hmm, I’ve done this sort of thing before. I started writing a series called “Commander Jamaica” but it never made it to air. I’m not sure I want to go through that again.
Norman: This one will make it to air, I promise. What are your first thoughts?
Ian: Well, I see a series of adventures involving a dashing, handsome, saturnine secret agent. He’s always well dressed and goes around the world, seducing beautiful women, defeating evil villains and using a bunch of amazing gadgets.
Norman: That’s a great idea! Sounds like a winner to me!
Ian: He works for an undercover organisation and keeps coming up against agents of a similar but evil organisation, identified by an acronym.
Norman: Wonderful! Doesn’t sound at all like anything anyone would already know. Now, what about a name for this guy?
Ian: How about “Napoleon Solo”?
Norman: That works for me. I can see it now… “Ian Fleming’s SOLO”. We have to have a name for a leading lady as well, of course.
Ian: No problem- “April Dancer”.
Norman: Fantastic! Well, I think- (The door suddenly opens, and Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman burst in.)
Cubby: Just one moment!
Ian: (Startled.) Why, hello Harry, hello Cubby.
Harry: Don’t you say one more word, Ian!
Norman: Guys, you can’t just-
Cubby: Like hell we can’t! Harry, get him out of here! (Harry, aided by Terence Young, takes Ian by the arms and they lead him out.)
Norman: Listen, Broccoli, we were having a private meeting here and you-
Cubby: I know exactly what you were doing. You were wanting to piggyback on our James Bond film series by doing a TV ripoff, and getting our author to put his seal of approval on it.
Norman: No, that’s not-
Cubby: And you can forget about calling it “Ian Fleming’s SOLO” as well! We’re getting ready to film “Goldfinger” and there’s already a character called Solo in that.
Norman: That character is a mafioso, not a globetrotting secret agent.
Cubby: You are not using that title. In fact, I’m going out that door and making sure Ian doesn’t put his name on this at all.
Norman: All right, all right, you win. I cry uncle.
Cubby: Uncle?
Norman: Or perhaps U.N.C.L.E.
Cubby: Ok, that you can use.
And in yet another weird coincidence I've also been thinking about exactly such an imaginary conversation - Fleming's involvement in the UNCLE project, even down to the description of Solo as a saturnine character, much like Bond.
Norman: Acronym? What do you mean?
Ian: Well, "S.P.E.C.T..R.E." stands for "The Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terror, Revenge and Extortion" so I thought that here our man would keep coming up against an organisation called "T.H.R.U.S.H." meaning "The Technological Hierarchy for the Removal of Undesirables and the Subjection of Humanity".
Norman: Perhaps we'd better skip that.
Mrs McTarry: My, Neil, that’s a fine job you’ve done.
Neil: Thanksh, Mrsh McTarry, it’sh been a pleashure.
Mrs McTarry: You’re the best plasterer in the town.
Neil: Very kind of you to shay sho.
Mrs McTarry: Here’s some money for you. Oh, if only my husband had been alive to see this.
Neil: Well, I’d besht be on my way. Thanksh again, Mrsh McTarry.
Mrs McTarry: Oh, call me Fiona. Why don't you stay a while?
Neil: Er, got to go. Thingsh to shee, people to do. (He heads outside where two men are waiting.)
1st Man: (Whispers.) It’s true! He looks just like him!
Neil: Anything I can do for you?
2nd Man: (Heavy Italian accent.) Could I have a word with you, please?
Neil: Don’t shee why not.
1st Man: (Whispers.) And sounds like him, too.
2nd Man: My name is Dario Sabatello, I’d like to offer you a job.
Neil: That would be great, though I think you should know that I got fired from my lasht job for loshing my tools. Thish wash only a favour.
Dario: Oh, I know about that. A man called Terence Young told me all about it.
Neil: Don’t think I know him.
Dario: He heard it on the radio. I take it you could be free immediately?
Neil: That dependsh. Where’sh the job?
Dario: In Italy.
Neil: Italy? You came all the way here to look for a plashterer for a job in Italy?
Dario: No, no. Not plastering. Please, let me explain….
Comments
Barbara Broccoli: So, with No Time to Die having been such a huge success…
Michael G. Wilson: Yes, that all worked out alright in the end, didn’t it?
Barbara Broccoli: Thank goodness. So what’s the plan for Bond 26?
Michael G. Wilson: Well, we probably need to pick a title. Get that nailed down first and then move on to the cast and plot.
Barbara Broccoli: Good idea, what did you have in mind?
Michael G. Wilson: Well…erm…
Barbara Broccoli:…Hurry up!
Michael G. Wilson: How about this for Bond 26: Risico…
Barbara Broccoli: Sounds like the name of an Italian construction firm...
Michael G. Wilson: Or how about The Property of a Lady…
Barbara Broccoli: Too wordy…
Michael G. Wilson: Or perhaps The Hildebrand Rarity?
Barbara Broccoli: That sounds more like a Sherlock Holmes story to me…
Michael G. Wilson: Hang about…there must be something else here…
He shuffles through his papers.
Michael G. Wilson: Or maybe…what’s this?…”untransmitted 1950s television pilot”? No, I didn’t think so.
Barbara Broccoli: I did tell you we’d run out of Fleming material someday…
Michael G. Wilson: Wait! Can’t we get the legal chaps to enquire about using “Thrilling Cities” or “The Diamond Smugglers”? There must be some sliver of Bond hidden away there…
Barbara Broccoli: (exasperatedly) How many times, Michael? There’s simply no Fleming left for us anymore. The well’s gone dry…
Michael G. Wilson: OK, I give up.
There is a knock at the door.
Michael G. Wilson: Now who could that be?
Barbara Broccolli: Just because we’ve run out of Fleming, doesn’t mean we’ve run out of literary Bond to adapt altogether. There are other Bond authors, more than willing to help…
Michael G. Wilson: Yay! We’re saved!
Raymond Benson: Good morning, everyone. So, it’s now “Raymond Benson’s James Bond in Never Dream of Dying”, right?
Michael G. Wilson: Eeekk!
"The spectre of defeat..."
James Bond walks into the office. M is waiting with two other men.
M: Good morning, 007.
James Bond: Good morning, sir. Calthorpe, Chief of Staff.
Calthorpe: Good morning.
Chief of Staff: Good day, Bond.
M: What do you know about a man called Scaramanga, 007?
James Bond: Hmm… the man with the golden gun?
M: Precisely, 007. This morning we received this little trinket-
The door is flung open with a resounding crash.
Moneypenny: Now wait a minute! Someone tell me, since when do we have a Chief of Staff round here?
M: Since I put the position up last week in the classified jobs section of the Sunday Times, Miss Moneypenny. The Chief of Staff here is in charge of general organisation, filing papers, that sort of thing.
Moneypenny: But we’ve got on for eight films now without a Chief of Staff… he’s just a glorified secretary, for heaven’s sake. What can he do that I can’t?
Chief of Staff: Well…erm…
M: My hands are tied in this matter, Moneypenny. Orders from on high to “expand and diversify our working structure”. The usual government nuisances interfering with the Service, poking their noses where they don’t belong. The PM’s ego getting in the way again…as if he can ever hope to look better smoking a pipe than I do!
Moneypenny: And what about you? Caltrop, or whatever your name is.
Calthorpe: The name is Calthorpe, madam. I’m an expert on arms and armaments…
Q strides into the room.
Q: Are you, really? I was under the impression that I looked after the gadgets round here!
M: (hurriedly) Yes, of course, obviously, I know that. I’m just making some minor adjustments to the personnel structure…
Moneypenny: I’m not having this! If you think you can replace us with bit-part actors from Fawlty Towers, then there’s only one answer. I’m going on strike!
Q: What a splendid idea.
Bond raises an eyebrow quizzically.
James Bond: Might I suggest that you make the best use of your newly acquired free time, Penny, by allowing me to take you to dinner?
Moneypenny: Oh, James, that would be wonderful.
Bond, Moneypenny, and Q walk out in protest.
M: Of all the infernal, blasted…
Chief of Staff: Something the matter, sir?
M: Nothing. Do you know anything about Scaramanga? Anything at all?
Chief of Staff: Not really.
Calthorpe: Beats me, sir.
M: You’re fired, both of you. Now get out.
"The spectre of defeat..."
James: Hurry up, Felix, let’sh get that plane. We’ve got to find the bombsh.
Felix: (Wincing.) All right, James, just give me a minute.
James: Well, come on, we don’t have much time.
Felix: I’m still sore from when you punched me.
James: Ah yesh, look Felix, I’ve shaid I’m shorry-
Felix: I mean, did you have to punch me? Really hard, in the solar plexus?
James: Felix-
Felix: Anyone else would have put their finger to their lips.
James: Yesh, but-
Felix: Or maybe put their hand over my mouth.
James: I know-
Felix: But not our James, oh no, that isn’t good enough for him! He has to punch his best friend straight in the stomach-
James: But Felix-
Felix: I mean, you could have just said “Sshh”.
Jamesh: Shaid sshh? Are you shtriving to be humouroush?
Felix: Of course not.
James: Because if you are-
Felix: You know me better than that. Anyway, if you were trying to stop me saying “Double O Seven”, why did you say it yourself 30 seconds later?
James: I did?
Felix: Yes, once you’d given the little fish a shower.
James: Oh, that. I thought he wouldn’t be lishtening.
Felix: Feeble, James, feeble.
"The spectre of defeat..."
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Daniel Craig.
Daniel: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Daniel: Well, I’m here to talk about “Logan-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Daniel: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Daniel: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1999. (Press Conference, “The Thomas Crown Affair”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Pierce Brosnan.
Pierce: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Pierce: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Thomas Crown-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Pierce: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Pierce: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1990. (Press Conference, “The Hunt For Red October”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Sean Connery.
Sean: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Sean: Well, I’m here to talk about “The Hunt For-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Sean: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Sean: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1976. (Press Conference, “Shout At The Devil”.)
Producer: I’d like to thank you all for coming, and introduce Mr Roger Moore.
Roger: Good evening, everyone.
1st Reporter: Will you be making another James Bond film?
Roger: Well, I’m here to talk about “Shout At The-”
2nd Reporter: Have you been approached to play James Bond again?
Roger: I think-
3rd Reporter: When will you be playing James Bond again?
Roger: I warned you it would be like this.
Producer: I know, I know.
1971. (Press Conference, “Universal Soldier”.)
Lazenby: Where are all the reporters?
Producer: I warned you it would be like this.
Lazenby: I know, I know.
You skipped Timothy Dalton's press conference for The Rocketeer or Scarlett.
Producer: I can't believe it. Not a single Bond question. It's like they forgot you were Bond.
Dalton: I know, I know.
Sergeant: Good evening, sir. It is my sad and solemn duty to inform you that you are henceforth charged with property damage, vehicle theft, speeding, failing to stop at a traffic light, driving the wrong way down the road, otherwise driving in a reckless or careless manner, disturbances of the peace, resisting arrest, and possession of an illegal firearm. Do you have anything to say?
Sherriff J.W Pepper: I shore do, boy! Now your gunna goddamn listen, unnerstand? I happen to be an officer of the Louisiana State Po-leece, and this here’s my identi-ficashun. Now you just git outta here with your phoney charges before I whoop your ass, boy!
Sergeant: Add to the record: “impersonating a police officer”…
Clerk: Yes, sir.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Whaddya talking about?
Sergeant: Need I remind you, these are serious charges indeed. Would you like a lawyer to represent you in court, sir?
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Like hell I would, boy! I am a law enforcement offishur, and I don’t need some yellow-bellied sucker comin’ in with a load of legal baloney!
Sergeant: I really would recommend seeing an attorney, sir. It could help.
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: This here’s the biggest load of baloney I ever saw! You boys should be thanking us, ya hear!
Sergeant: Oh? Really? Why’s that?
Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Yore askin’ that? ‘cause we saved yore poor asses from the commies back in ‘Nam, obviously! Shore thing. Now lemme outta this here cell!
Mrs. Pepper: Look on the bright side, J.W. At least we won’t run into that funny Englishman again.
Sherriff J. W. Pepper: I shore hope not!
St. Mark’s Square, Venice. 1979.
Mrs. Pepper: Now ain’t that just the cutest thing! That little pigeon over there just did a darned double-take! Did you see that, J.W.? So cute!
Sherriff J.W. Pepper: It shore was, honey.
Mrs. Pepper: This is great, J.W. So relaxing! And no Englishmen for miles around!
Sherriff J.W. Pepper: You got that right.
"The spectre of defeat..."
Hopefully you'll repeat thise jokes later
Wouldn't dream of it, N24....
1979. (Eon HQ, hidden under guano on a Caribbean island.)
Cubby: Well, Lewis, I think we can all agree that “The Spy Who Loved Me” was a great success and you did a wonderful job as director.
Lewis Gilbert: Thanks, Cubby.
Cubby: So, obviously we’d like to ask you back to direct the next one, “Moonraker”.
Lewis: I’d be delighted.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “The Spy Who Loved Me” all over again.
Cubby: Christopher, what have you got?
Christopher Wood: I’m thinking that the villain is going to steal a vessel belonging to the West.
MGW: Is that how we’re going to open the movie?
Christopher: Yes, then we meet Bond, who is of course with a beautiful woman-
Cubby: Is she part of a plot to kill him?
Christopher: Why, yes. Of course he survives, falling from a great height but saved by a parachute. Soon we meet the villain, who’s a billionaire businessman. Early on, he uses vicious animals to kill off a beautiful female employee.
Cubby: Ah, but does he try to kill Bond?
Christopher: Naturally, he has henchmen who try to do just that. One of them is Jaws, who always fails to kill James and survives certain death while doing so.
MGW: What about a car chase that ends up in the water when the car becomes a submarine?
Christopher: No, no, we have something completely different here- a boat chase that ends up on land when the boat becomes a hovercraft.
Lewis: And what is the villain’s plan?
Christopher: He wants to wipe out all life on Earth and then start again according to his ideals.
Lewis: I see.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Christopher: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with all sorts of gadgets-
Cubby/MGW/Lewis: (All together.) And a monorail!
Christopher: ….ah, no. No monorail.
MGW: Oh, dear. Ken will be disappointed.
Christopher: James arranges for help and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before disaster is caused. And we finish with Bond and the leading lady making out before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “The Spy Who Loved Me” at all, then?
Christopher: No, not at all.
(I feel sure I've missed some points, by all means let me know below!)
Dr : Please this is a place of safety, feel free to tell your story in your own words.
Victor : Thank you Doctor, this has been troubling me for a long time.
Dr : Just start at the beginning.
Victor : It began really when my uncle Mario asked me to help him build his dream house.
Dr : This was in Sardinia, yes ?
Victor : Yes, he'd moved back to his homeland to follow his dream of teaching conversational
Papier-mâché to the street kids, and I'd offered to help him tile his bathroom......
Dr : Continue.
Victor : Well I was heading to the beach, I was to meet my girlfriend Janeen later, when he called.
( The Doctor nodded his head )
Victor : He said he'd finished the roof and was sitting outside drinking a glass of wine when a beautiful
white sports car zoomed past, he'd barely registered it when BOOM !!! A bloody big car just
dropped out of the sky and crashed straight through his new roof !!!
Dr : He was shocked ?
Victor : He was F*cking angry, started yelling out the lyrics to Mamma Mia, and was so annoyed he was
getting them wrong. Then the door opens and apparently this huge bloke in a blue jacket
walked out giving Uncle Mario a brief nod and walked off. Naturally Uncle Mario told me not to
bother coming round to do the tiling, as he now had a 1977 Ford Cortina parked in his living
room.
Dr : I can understand his anger.
Victor : Absolutely, totally threw off the Feng shui !! So I got ready at the beach, I had a lovely bottle
of wine, took a quick swig from it, then took out some of the sandwiches I'd bought. Various
kinds of meat fillings I was expecting, but not my favourite.
Dr : You mentioned this before ( Looking at his notes ) ... You were expecting some tongue ?
Victor : Sure, later when Janeen got back I'd fully expect to get some...
Dr : Where was Janeen at this point ?
Victor : She'd gone on a trip to some German guy's Bathyscope she said seeing something that size
rising, reminded her of me.
Dr : Phallic symbol ?
Victor : No, Stromberg I think. At this point, I took another little swig from my wine and noticed something
white moving in the water, at first I thought it might be a shark, a barracuda or a Sainsbury trolley.
Dr : What happened next ?
Victor : I took another little drink, and it turns out it's a white sports car driving out of the sea !! The guy
driving even dropped a fish out of the window before driving off. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the
same guy who drove past Uncle Mario's house.
Dr : I can see how that could have affected you.
Victor : Later in St Marks Square, I had found a great little table and was enjoying a lovely bottle of wine. As
usual Janeen was off on her adventures, taking in a tour of a local glass blowing establishment . I told
her why bother, no-one knows more about "Blowing " than her ! I even watched a group of Altar Boys
in full smock things go in to the church.
Dr : Cassocks ?
Victor : No it's true, then as I took another little drink, up pops this gondola stroke hovercraft thing, driven
by this same guy!! He took off across the square, and when Janeen got back she wouldn't believe
me. ......... Gave me Hell for that. So next time I decided to get away from water, get high.
Dr : No Victor, drugs are never the answer.
Victor : No, high in the mountains get in a bit of skiing , So I found this lovely hillside restaurant, part of
it in Stainless Steel and started drinking from a lovely bottle of wine. Janeen was off watching a
Bi-Polar or biathlon event, either way she was either very happy or sad about it. As I looked out
at the wonderful vista before me I thought of the great car to use the name
Dr : The Cortina ?
Victor : No Allegro ! ..... Next thing Bang, a bloody great pair of skis lands on the table sending everthing
all over the place crashing through the edge balustrade followed by a pair of motorbikes.
Dr : Shocking !
Victor : But, it was the same bloody guy again!!! Why is he following me? Why is he making my life hell ?
Dr : Victor have you ever thought, perhaps he's just a figment of your imagination ? Fuelled by all that wine ?
Victor : It was all so real, so life like
Dr : Why not take a break, rest up, find yourself again take a holiday ?
Victor : Well Janeen has suggested a trip next year, sounds to be uneventful.
Dr : What is it ?
Victor : A boat tour along the rivers of India
Dr : That sounds wonderful, I'm sure it will do you the world of good.
Victor : Yes, I think 1983 will be a great year for me.
Somewhere in LA, a phone rings.
MGW: Dan?
Daniel: Hey Michael, how goes it?
MGW: Dan, where are you?
Daniel: Umm...
MGW: Dan, are you in LA?
Daniel: Ok, yes, yes I am.
MGW: Dan, WTF?
Daniel: Michael, look, the film's release has been delayed, again, I just thought it would be, ah, helpful if I did a little extra publicity stunt here and there. Keep the interest going until April.
MGW: Dan, where did you get it? Have you been raiding Donk's modest collection? (Pauses) Babs is going to go chicken oriental, I think that's what you Brits call it, when she hears about this. (Pauses again) Did Rachel put you up to this again?
Daniel: C'mon Mikey, you're happy for me to reference Sean through the DB5, the suits, the whole Blofeld thing... what's wrong with me borrowing the odd prop from the old days here or there too?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-54552380
Thanks, that made my day!
1963. (MGM studios.)
Norman Felton: Good to see you, Ian, glad you could make it.
Ian Fleming; I’m glad to be here.
Norman: Can I get you anything? Cup of coffee, perhaps?
Ian: What? Oh yes, this is our first meeting. Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?
Norman: Er… just give me a minute, will you…?
(Fleming watches carefully as the deep glass becomes frosted with the pale golden drink, slightly aerated by the bruising of the shaker. He reaches for it and takes a long sip.)
Ian: Excellent, but if you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.
Norman: Er… yes.
Ian: Now, what can I do for you?
Norman: We’re keen to launch a new action/adventure TV series and would very much like to involve you in setting it up.
Ian: Hmm, I’ve done this sort of thing before. I started writing a series called “Commander Jamaica” but it never made it to air. I’m not sure I want to go through that again.
Norman: This one will make it to air, I promise. What are your first thoughts?
Ian: Well, I see a series of adventures involving a dashing, handsome, saturnine secret agent. He’s always well dressed and goes around the world, seducing beautiful women, defeating evil villains and using a bunch of amazing gadgets.
Norman: That’s a great idea! Sounds like a winner to me!
Ian: He works for an undercover organisation and keeps coming up against agents of a similar but evil organisation, identified by an acronym.
Norman: Wonderful! Doesn’t sound at all like anything anyone would already know. Now, what about a name for this guy?
Ian: How about “Napoleon Solo”?
Norman: That works for me. I can see it now… “Ian Fleming’s SOLO”. We have to have a name for a leading lady as well, of course.
Ian: No problem- “April Dancer”.
Norman: Fantastic! Well, I think-
(The door suddenly opens, and Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman burst in.)
Cubby: Just one moment!
Ian: (Startled.) Why, hello Harry, hello Cubby.
Harry: Don’t you say one more word, Ian!
Norman: Guys, you can’t just-
Cubby: Like hell we can’t! Harry, get him out of here!
(Harry, aided by Terence Young, takes Ian by the arms and they lead him out.)
Norman: Listen, Broccoli, we were having a private meeting here and you-
Cubby: I know exactly what you were doing. You were wanting to piggyback on our James Bond film series by doing a TV ripoff, and getting our author to put his seal of approval on it.
Norman: No, that’s not-
Cubby: And you can forget about calling it “Ian Fleming’s SOLO” as well! We’re getting ready to film “Goldfinger” and there’s already a character called Solo in that.
Norman: That character is a mafioso, not a globetrotting secret agent.
Cubby: You are not using that title. In fact, I’m going out that door and making sure Ian doesn’t put his name on this at all.
Norman: All right, all right, you win. I cry uncle.
Cubby: Uncle?
Norman: Or perhaps U.N.C.L.E.
Cubby: Ok, that you can use.
And in yet another weird coincidence I've also been thinking about exactly such an imaginary conversation - Fleming's involvement in the UNCLE project, even down to the description of Solo as a saturnine character, much like Bond.
Edit- I'm going to pinch your word "saturnine" and put it in.
Norman: Acronym? What do you mean?
Ian: Well, "S.P.E.C.T..R.E." stands for "The Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terror, Revenge and Extortion" so I thought that here our man would keep coming up against an organisation called "T.H.R.U.S.H." meaning "The Technological Hierarchy for the Removal of Undesirables and the Subjection of Humanity".
Norman: Perhaps we'd better skip that.
Mrs McTarry: My, Neil, that’s a fine job you’ve done.
Neil: Thanksh, Mrsh McTarry, it’sh been a pleashure.
Mrs McTarry: You’re the best plasterer in the town.
Neil: Very kind of you to shay sho.
Mrs McTarry: Here’s some money for you. Oh, if only my husband had been alive to see this.
Neil: Well, I’d besht be on my way. Thanksh again, Mrsh McTarry.
Mrs McTarry: Oh, call me Fiona. Why don't you stay a while?
Neil: Er, got to go. Thingsh to shee, people to do.
(He heads outside where two men are waiting.)
1st Man: (Whispers.) It’s true! He looks just like him!
Neil: Anything I can do for you?
2nd Man: (Heavy Italian accent.) Could I have a word with you, please?
Neil: Don’t shee why not.
1st Man: (Whispers.) And sounds like him, too.
2nd Man: My name is Dario Sabatello, I’d like to offer you a job.
Neil: That would be great, though I think you should know that I got fired from my lasht job for loshing my tools. Thish wash only a favour.
Dario: Oh, I know about that. A man called Terence Young told me all about it.
Neil: Don’t think I know him.
Dario: He heard it on the radio. I take it you could be free immediately?
Neil: That dependsh. Where’sh the job?
Dario: In Italy.
Neil: Italy? You came all the way here to look for a plashterer for a job in Italy?
Dario: No, no. Not plastering. Please, let me explain….