Publisher: Ah, come in John, come in. How are you?
Gardner: Oh fine, thanks.
Publisher: Vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
Gardner: Not for me, thanks, not at 9.30 in the morning. Just a cup of tea will do.
Publisher: Of course.
Gardner: So, what can I do for you? I’m in the middle of writing my ninth Bond book for you, and I’ve already signed up for three more.
Publisher: It’s something a bit different this time, John. We’ve been contacted by Eon Productions. They’d like you to have a look at the screenplay for their latest movie with a view to novelising it.
Gardner; Write a book based on their film?
Publisher: Yes, they’ve used all of Fleming’s book titles and a couple of the short stories. The titles of the short stories that are left are, shall we say, problematic.
Gardner: Ah, I see. I mean, “Quantum Of Solace”, who would ever want to use that as a film title!
Publisher: Indeed.
Gardner: Not to mention making a song for it!
Publisher: Yes, I’m sure the song would be terrible.
Gardner: There’s “The Hildebrand Rarity”, but that doesn’t trip off the tongue either.
Publisher: And “007 In New York” is right out.
Gardner: So, what’s the title then?
Publisher: Well, they were thinking of “Licence Revoked” at first-
Gardner: That’s very close to my first Bond title, “Licence Renewed”.
Publisher: True, but then they changed it to “Licence To Kill”.
Gardner: Hmm, a bit generic.
Publisher: That’s what they’re going for.
Gardner: Well, at last I could use the character of Q and stop having to call him Major Boothroyd all the time so I’d be pleased about that.
Publisher: So, are you interested?
Gardner: I’m not keen, having already had truck with screenplays before. On the bare white page, all screenplays are like lyrics without music, or, as my old father used to say, like kissing your sister.
Publisher: This would be an extra commission, over and above your ongoing series of Bond books.
Gardner: All right, Bond prevails.
Publisher: Good, I had hoped you’d agree. Now, the screenplay does use some Fleming in it. In particular, it uses a part of “Live And Let Die” that wasn’t included in the film. Bond’s friend, Felix Leiter, is fed to a shark by the bad guys and Bond finds what’s left of him with a note saying “He disagreed with something that ate him”. Bond goes after the one who was responsible and feeds him to the shark.
Gardner: Wait a minute… you said what’s left of Felix?
Publisher: Yes, the shark chews off his left leg.
Gardner: But that already happened in the book “Live And Let Die”!
Publisher: But not in the film.
Gardner: He’s gone through the books with no left leg ever since. Am I supposed to have him magically regrow it at the start of this one so he can have it chewed off again?
Publisher: It was only half his left leg.
Gardner: That doesn't help much.
Publisher: You’re the writer, John, not me. It’s your job to find a way round that.
Gardner: Gee, thanks. Anything else I should be aware of?
Publisher: Well, since you mentioned “The Hildebrand Rarity”….
Gardner: Yes, what?
Publisher: The villain from that story is included in “Licence To Kill”.
Gardner: You mean Milton Krest is the villain here?
Publisher: He’s A villain, not THE villain, but yes he’s here. (Gardner groans.)
Publisher: And his boat, the Wavekrest as well.
Gardner: Anything else?
Publisher: No, I think that’s it. The story starts off with Felix’s wedding, and-
Gardner: You do know that I mentioned Felix being married elsewhere, don’t you?
Publisher: Well, like his leg, that’ll just give you something to chew on.
(Some of this uses Gardner's own words from his foreword to LTK)
As you know, C&D, we have something ..er...interesting in the works, which I'm enjoying and am looking forward to posting!
It'll be a while, of course.
1969. (Eon HQ, inside a harmless-looking factory in Switzerland. “Herschel-Albert Enterprises AG” is on the sign.)
Harry: So, Peter, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Peter Hunt: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
Cubby: What sort of things?
Peter: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
Cubby: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Peter: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
Cubby: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Harry: But the last film was enormously successful.
Peter: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
Cubby: But the book has a tragic ending.
Peter: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
Harry: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Peter: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
Cubby: I don’t know…
Harry: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
2006. (Eon HQ, on an island in India populated exclusively by women. Well, almost exclusively.)
MGW: So, Martin, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Martin Campbell: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
BB: What sort of things?
Martin: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
MGW: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Martin: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: But the last film was enormously successful.
Martin: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
BB: But the book has a tragic ending.
Martin: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
MGW: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Martin: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
BB: I don’t know…
MGW: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
1969. (Eon HQ, above a casino in Las Vegas.)
Cubby: Ah, come in, John, what can I do for you?
John Barry: I’ve just heard the title of the next movie- are you sure about that?
Cubby: Yes, John, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. Is that a problem?
John: A problem? You might say that.
Cubby: I don’t get you.
John: Well, I think I’ve done pretty good with the titles you’ve thrown at me so far. “You Only Live Twice”, no problem- in fact, I got two songs out of that. “Goldfinger” was a bit of work, but we got a hit with that.
Cubby: Yes, indeed we did.
John: “Thunderball” did give me a hard time. You’ll remember that I initially wanted to use “Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, but eventually came up with a song actually called “Thunderball”.
Cubby: That’s true.
John: But, Cubby, I promise you, this one will not work as a song title. I mean, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” just doesn’t scan. Leslie Bricusse thinks he can make it flow, but I really don’t see it.
Cubby: I see your point, John, just come up with something. But I do want a song somewhere in the film.
John: How long have I got?
Cubby: Well, we don’t have all the time in the world.
John: (A lightbulb appears above his head.) What? Could you say that again please?
Cubby: I said we don’t have all the time in the world.
John: On the contrary, Cubby, that is exactly what we do have- or will, as soon as I can get to a piano!
1974.
John: Aw, come on, surely you can’t be serious.
Cubby: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
John: No way can that be done!
Harry: Well, David Bowie wrote a song called “The Man Who Sold The World” which isn’t a million miles away from our title.
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: And Lulu has just had a hit with it.
Harry: Lulu, you say? (Harry and Cubby’s eyes meet, and they nod.)
Cubby: You know, I think we’ve found our singer.
John: Yes, but-
Harry: That’s it decided. Lulu’s going to sing the song, and you and your pal Don will write it.
Cubby: Yes, the two of you did a great job with "Diamonds Are Forever".
Harry: Hmph!
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: Come back and see us when you’re finished. (John leaves, muttering.)
1979.
Cubby: Come in, John, have a seat. Though I think I know what you’re going to say.
John: You do?
Cubby: You’re going to complain about the title, aren’t you?
John: Got it in one, Cubby. I am not writing you a song called “Moonraker”. Monty Norman would die laughing.
Cubby: Look, John-
John: Last film, when I wasn’t there, you let Marvin Hamlisch off from using the title.
Cubby: I don’t want to do it twice in a row. Call in Hal David to help you.
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: But me no buts. You’re an Oscar-winning composer- go and compose! (John leaves, muttering.)
1983.
John: Cubby-
Cubby: All right, this time you win, John- go and write whatever you want.
Mathis: So, tell us please doctor, your thoughts?
Doctor: On initial assessment it would seem that your friend has been very badly treated. (Vesper begins to sniff.)
Mathis: Can you tell us more, please?
Doctor: Well, to start with he has various minor injuries, mainly cuts and bruises.
Mathis: We know he was in a car crash.
Doctor: Well that would account for most of it although he also has a strange laceration on his stomach. I am most concerned, however, about the state of his genitals. (Vesper sobs.)
Mathis: Ah, yes.
Doctor: Most odd. It looks as if he has been deliberately battered there several times with a hard instrument- a knotted rope or perhaps a carpet beater. (Vesper wails.)
Mathis: I see. Can you assess the extent of his injuries?
Doctor: It is too soon to tell. If I tried, I might get the sack. (Vesper begins to roll on the floor, pounding it with her fists.)
Mathis: Be quiet, Vesper. Doctor, will there be any permanent effects from this maltreatment?
Doctor: Well, there may be a vas deferens. (Vesper throws a rope over a beam in the ceiling. Mathis calmly pulls it back down.)
Mathis: How will this affect his temperament?
Doctor: He might feel a little testy. (Vesper pulls a gun from her bag and holds it to her head. Mathis does nothing, and there is the sound of a little “click”.)
Vesper: I'm really sorry. I could have shot myself.
Mathis: You might have even killed yourself if you'd taken off the safety catch.
Vesper: Thank you, Mathis. I’m back under control now.
Doctor: Is there anything else I can tell you?
Mathis: May we get in to see him at the moment?
Doctor: What, are you nuts? (Vesper begins to wail again.)
Mathis: Too soon?
Doctor: Definitely too soon. You will be informed when I decide that visitors will be appropriate.
Mathis: You’re talking balls, doctor. (Vesper cries as she sinks to the floor again.)
Doctor: Hey, you asked the questions- I’m only answering them!
Thanks, C&D. It's based on a true story. One of my brothers got severely kicked in the groin whilst playing rugby, about a week before his wedding. He had to be hospitalised, and his fiancée was extremely worried, just like Vesper above.... (Happy ending, the 3 kids are doing fine.)
Brilliant, Barbel. It looks as if he has been deliberately battered there several times with a hard instrument- a knotted rope or perhaps a carpet beater. that made me wince and I don't even have that part of anatomy )
Harry: Hey Cubs, I'm working on what I'd like to be our next big pic.
Cubby: Really? Tell me more Harry.
Harry: Well I've got the cream of the cream sorted. Guy Hamilton directing, Ken Adam designing the sets, Peter Murton art directing, shooting on location and at Pinewood....
Cubby: Sounds great Harry! Have you got a screen treatment yet?
Harry: Well the film starts with a great little action sequence, before we cut to everyone's favourite British spy. He's in his flat in London, he's wearing a yellow dressing gown - I'm kinda partial to those, y'know - we see a rumpled bed, he's exchanging banter with a beautiful female agent...
Cubby: Well, when you're young, and your heart is an open book...
Harry: Anyway, his boss, whose office overlooks Trafalgar Square and has lepidoptery prints on his walls, sends him on a mission overseas. He arrives, establishes contact with another handsome agent, they discuss the mission, then our man gets kidnapped by the other side, and he meets the 'big man' on the opposition.
Cubby: When you've got a job to do, you've got to do it well.
Harry: Well, he gets out of it, then he has some scrapes, he meets a beautiful girl, there are punch ups, shoot outs, there's even an identity change to throw everyone off the scent.
Cubby: Any standout scenes, Harry?
Harry: Get this! There's a great twist around a funeral. You think it's one guy's funeral, but the twist is, another guy winds up dead and in the coffin! The music is really slow and somber, but when the twist is revealed, an upbeat, brassy jazz piece blasts out! What do you say, Cubs, did I nail it or did I nail it?
Cubby: You know you did, you know you did, you know you did. Have you got a title yet, Harry?
Harry: Sure! "Funeral in Berlin". I can't wait to see Michael Caine in action again!
Cubby: Well that'll give the other fella hell...
1
1974.
John: Aw, come on, surely you can’t be serious.
Cubby: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
John: No way can that be done!
Harry: Well, David Bowie wrote a song called “The Man Who Sold The World” which isn’t a million miles away from our title.
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: And Lulu has just had a hit with it.
Harry: Lulu, you say? (Harry and Cubby’s eyes meet, and they nod.)
Cubby: You know, I think we’ve found our singer.
John: Yes, but-
Harry: That’s it decided. Lulu’s going to sing the song, and you and your pal Don will write it.
Cubby: Yes, the two of you did a great job with "Diamonds Are Forever".
Harry: Hmph!
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: Come back and see us when you’re finished. (John leaves, muttering.)
Don Black is so underrated.
My father is furious his show on Radio 2 has been canceled and replaced with .... Anneka Rice !! Can you believe that??!!
No, I cannot. I don't think Anneka could tell one tenth of the stories Don could. I don't know how much she knows about music, but again I'm sure Don knows more.
C&D, that was an unexpected angle. Thanks for reminding me I must watch that again, and soon.
I'd been hoping for a Harry Palmer behind-the-scenes! excellent!
Any chance of a Harry Palmer/James Bond crossover? They're in a similar line of work, yet their worlds look so different and they handle their jobs so differently.
How would ConneryBond handle those incomprehensible PalmerFilm plots?
Would Palmers calm ironic stare be enough to save the world from a SPECTRE plot?
What would the two characters have to say to each other?
Nothing is leaping to mind, I'm afraid, caractacus. Maybe if I let the subconscious work on it I can find an angle- or maybe someone else will get there first.
James Bond walks into the office. M waits with the Minister of Defence, while a third man sits in the background taking notes.
James Bond: Good morning, sir, Minister.
M: Ah, good morning, 007.
Sir Frederick Gray: Good morning, Bond. Don’t mind my temporary private secretary, he’s just sitting in on our discussion for the time being. As I was saying, gentlemen, this latest intelligence crisis is becoming a gravely intolerable threat. I’ll be heading to Downing Street this afternoon and I need good news before I update the Prime Minister. Is that clear?
M: Of course. What do you suggest?
Sir Frederick Gray: I’d advise putting 007 on the case immediately. Understand?
M: Good. Now, here are your briefing papers, travel documents, fake passports- There is a polite cough from the back of the room. James Bond raises a quizzical eyebrow.
Private Secretary: Is that wise, Minister?
Sir Frederick Gray: What do you mean?
Private Secretary: Is it, perhaps, entirely proper for a minister of the Crown to be so closely involved in the planning of intelligence operations?
Sir Frederick Gray: Well…
Private Secretary: Especially when you have a long and complicated history of…interference…in such matters? If memory serves me correctly, you recommended against investigating both Hugo Drax and Max Zorin, and look how they turned out!
Sir Frederick Gray: For heaven’s sake, are you questioning my judgement?
Private Secretary: Not at all, Minister. I’m simply saying that being seen to spend so much time in the company of spies might be perceived in certain quarters as a bold move. You do have an entire department to run, after all. Your predecessors never took such an interest in the minutiae of intelligence work.
Sir Frederick Gray: But I do.
Private Secretary: There are other considerations, Minister. As a result of your handling of intelligence incidents, two French industrial firms and a Greek shipping line have gone bust. One might almost think you were trying to undermine European capitalism…
Sir Frederick Gray: But that’s simply absurd...
Private Secretary: The press might view things differently.
Sir Frederick Gray: I can see what you mean. Yes, well, I suppose I’d really best be on my way. Good evening, gentlemen. He leaves in a hurry. James Bond: We won’t be seeing him again.
M: Thank goodness, now I can run the double-O-section in peace. Thanks for the favour, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey: Any time, old chap.
M: And now we can get back to work. Pay attention, 007…
Nothing is leaping to mind, I'm afraid, caractacus. Maybe if I let the subconscious work on it I can find an angle- or maybe someone else will get there first.
Quite alright boss, if I was witty I'd write something myself but my brain doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Just add it to the Requests Jar.
I like the mashups, especially when we have to guess what other film is being mashed up into the Bond formula. The Taxi Driver one from a few pages back was good because I'd forgotten all about that character but suddenly was remembering him vividly!
I'd also like to see a mash-up that revealed Cathy Gale and Pussy Galore were the same character, especially since seeing the Avengers episode The Gilded Cage. I can almost imagine it, but cant make it funny...
Mrs Gale: Steed… I have something to tell you.
John Steed: Oh, Mrs Gale, don’t you think I’ve known it all along?
Mrs Gale: You have?
Steed: Of course. The kinky boots, the leather outfits, the enjoyable if very anachronistic collection of kd lang records...
Mrs Gale: No, not that. Look, come into my room for a moment. (Steed’s eyes light up, then cloud over with disappointment as he sees the suitcases on her bed.)
Steed: You… you’re leaving?
Mrs Gale: We’ve had a good time together, but it’s time for me to move on.
Steed: But why? Where are you going?
Mrs Gale: I’ve had an offer from a man named Goldfinger.
Steed: Goldfinger? Sounds like a French-
Mrs Gale: -nail varnish, yes, everyone says that. He's British, but he doesn't sound like it. Big operator, worldwide interests. All seem reputable. Owns one of the finest US stud farms.
Steed: Ah, I wonder if he’s looking for a trainer.
Mrs Gale: I’ll ask him. I’m going to work for him as his pilot, with the side benefit that I get to run my own flying circus.
Steed: I didn’t expect the flying circus.
Mrs Gale: Nobody expects the flying circus. Our chief weapon is surprise.
Steed: So, when do you have to go?
Mrs Gale: Right away, I’m afraid.
Steed: I’m sorry to hear that. One more thing, though, before you go- we can’t risk any connection being made to our department.
Mrs Gale: What do you mean?
Steed: You’ll have to use a different name.
Mrs Gale: Oh, I’ve already taken care of that. (She whispers in his ear.) What do you think?
Steed: I must be dreaming.
The Kremlin. 1986. Several uniformed army officers sit in an ornate drawing room, before a roaring fire.
General Gogol: Listen carefully, gentlemen. I have just been on the phone to our new premier, Gorbachev. He intends to introduce new doctrines of perestroika and glasnost. In effect, this means a new era of international conduct. Our relations with our capitalist foes shall be friendly and cordial. Above all, we must do nothing to undermine or provoke the West. Is that understood?
General Koskov: Perfectly, sir.
General Ouromov: Absolutely, sir.
General Gogol: Excellent. I knew you’d get the message. Now as you probably know, I shall be retiring to take up the post of ambassador, and I expect you to be on your best behaviour. No plots or counter-plots, assassinations, that sort of thing. General Ouromov, I understand that you’re being promoted- head of Space Division, is that right?
General Ouromov: Indeed, sir.
General Gogol: How’s GoldenEye coming along?
General Ouromov: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about, sir.
General Gogol: Me neither. No idea what I meant there. Silly me. Moving on…Anyway, I hope I can trust you to help usher in this new age of positive diplomacy with the West in the proper way…
General Koskov: You can count on us, sir.
General Ouromov: I’ll second that, sir.
General Gogol: I’m glad to hear it. Now, I think that concludes our business. Anyone for caviar and pancakes?
Thanks Barbel! that was excellent!
That does explain why Cathy never succumbed to Steed's often heavy-handed attempts to flirt ... she was immune!
The way I see it, Galore and Gale being the same person also explains why she suddenly changed sides after the infamous barn scene. Not that she really did succumb to Bond's charms, but she was working undercover all along. It almost makes sense when you think about it too much like I do!
I like the idea of all the 60s superspys coexisting in a shared universe!
Comments
Publisher: Ah, come in John, come in. How are you?
Gardner: Oh fine, thanks.
Publisher: Vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
Gardner: Not for me, thanks, not at 9.30 in the morning. Just a cup of tea will do.
Publisher: Of course.
Gardner: So, what can I do for you? I’m in the middle of writing my ninth Bond book for you, and I’ve already signed up for three more.
Publisher: It’s something a bit different this time, John. We’ve been contacted by Eon Productions. They’d like you to have a look at the screenplay for their latest movie with a view to novelising it.
Gardner; Write a book based on their film?
Publisher: Yes, they’ve used all of Fleming’s book titles and a couple of the short stories. The titles of the short stories that are left are, shall we say, problematic.
Gardner: Ah, I see. I mean, “Quantum Of Solace”, who would ever want to use that as a film title!
Publisher: Indeed.
Gardner: Not to mention making a song for it!
Publisher: Yes, I’m sure the song would be terrible.
Gardner: There’s “The Hildebrand Rarity”, but that doesn’t trip off the tongue either.
Publisher: And “007 In New York” is right out.
Gardner: So, what’s the title then?
Publisher: Well, they were thinking of “Licence Revoked” at first-
Gardner: That’s very close to my first Bond title, “Licence Renewed”.
Publisher: True, but then they changed it to “Licence To Kill”.
Gardner: Hmm, a bit generic.
Publisher: That’s what they’re going for.
Gardner: Well, at last I could use the character of Q and stop having to call him Major Boothroyd all the time so I’d be pleased about that.
Publisher: So, are you interested?
Gardner: I’m not keen, having already had truck with screenplays before. On the bare white page, all screenplays are like lyrics without music, or, as my old father used to say, like kissing your sister.
Publisher: This would be an extra commission, over and above your ongoing series of Bond books.
Gardner: All right, Bond prevails.
Publisher: Good, I had hoped you’d agree. Now, the screenplay does use some Fleming in it. In particular, it uses a part of “Live And Let Die” that wasn’t included in the film. Bond’s friend, Felix Leiter, is fed to a shark by the bad guys and Bond finds what’s left of him with a note saying “He disagreed with something that ate him”. Bond goes after the one who was responsible and feeds him to the shark.
Gardner: Wait a minute… you said what’s left of Felix?
Publisher: Yes, the shark chews off his left leg.
Gardner: But that already happened in the book “Live And Let Die”!
Publisher: But not in the film.
Gardner: He’s gone through the books with no left leg ever since. Am I supposed to have him magically regrow it at the start of this one so he can have it chewed off again?
Publisher: It was only half his left leg.
Gardner: That doesn't help much.
Publisher: You’re the writer, John, not me. It’s your job to find a way round that.
Gardner: Gee, thanks. Anything else I should be aware of?
Publisher: Well, since you mentioned “The Hildebrand Rarity”….
Gardner: Yes, what?
Publisher: The villain from that story is included in “Licence To Kill”.
Gardner: You mean Milton Krest is the villain here?
Publisher: He’s A villain, not THE villain, but yes he’s here.
(Gardner groans.)
Publisher: And his boat, the Wavekrest as well.
Gardner: Anything else?
Publisher: No, I think that’s it. The story starts off with Felix’s wedding, and-
Gardner: You do know that I mentioned Felix being married elsewhere, don’t you?
Publisher: Well, like his leg, that’ll just give you something to chew on.
(Some of this uses Gardner's own words from his foreword to LTK)
Fantastic conversations as usual, Barbel {[]
As you know, C&D, we have something ..er...interesting in the works, which I'm enjoying and am looking forward to posting!
It'll be a while, of course.
Harry: So, Peter, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Peter Hunt: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
Cubby: What sort of things?
Peter: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
Cubby: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Peter: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
Cubby: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Harry: But the last film was enormously successful.
Peter: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
Cubby: But the book has a tragic ending.
Peter: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
Harry: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Peter: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
Cubby: I don’t know…
Harry: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
2006. (Eon HQ, on an island in India populated exclusively by women. Well, almost exclusively.)
MGW: So, Martin, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Martin Campbell: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
BB: What sort of things?
Martin: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
MGW: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Martin: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: But the last film was enormously successful.
Martin: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
BB: But the book has a tragic ending.
Martin: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
MGW: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Martin: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
BB: I don’t know…
MGW: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
Cubby: Ah, come in, John, what can I do for you?
John Barry: I’ve just heard the title of the next movie- are you sure about that?
Cubby: Yes, John, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. Is that a problem?
John: A problem? You might say that.
Cubby: I don’t get you.
John: Well, I think I’ve done pretty good with the titles you’ve thrown at me so far. “You Only Live Twice”, no problem- in fact, I got two songs out of that. “Goldfinger” was a bit of work, but we got a hit with that.
Cubby: Yes, indeed we did.
John: “Thunderball” did give me a hard time. You’ll remember that I initially wanted to use “Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, but eventually came up with a song actually called “Thunderball”.
Cubby: That’s true.
John: But, Cubby, I promise you, this one will not work as a song title. I mean, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” just doesn’t scan. Leslie Bricusse thinks he can make it flow, but I really don’t see it.
Cubby: I see your point, John, just come up with something. But I do want a song somewhere in the film.
John: How long have I got?
Cubby: Well, we don’t have all the time in the world.
John: (A lightbulb appears above his head.) What? Could you say that again please?
Cubby: I said we don’t have all the time in the world.
John: On the contrary, Cubby, that is exactly what we do have- or will, as soon as I can get to a piano!
1974.
John: Aw, come on, surely you can’t be serious.
Cubby: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
John: No way can that be done!
Harry: Well, David Bowie wrote a song called “The Man Who Sold The World” which isn’t a million miles away from our title.
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: And Lulu has just had a hit with it.
Harry: Lulu, you say?
(Harry and Cubby’s eyes meet, and they nod.)
Cubby: You know, I think we’ve found our singer.
John: Yes, but-
Harry: That’s it decided. Lulu’s going to sing the song, and you and your pal Don will write it.
Cubby: Yes, the two of you did a great job with "Diamonds Are Forever".
Harry: Hmph!
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: Come back and see us when you’re finished.
(John leaves, muttering.)
1979.
Cubby: Come in, John, have a seat. Though I think I know what you’re going to say.
John: You do?
Cubby: You’re going to complain about the title, aren’t you?
John: Got it in one, Cubby. I am not writing you a song called “Moonraker”. Monty Norman would die laughing.
Cubby: Look, John-
John: Last film, when I wasn’t there, you let Marvin Hamlisch off from using the title.
Cubby: I don’t want to do it twice in a row. Call in Hal David to help you.
John: Yes, but-
Cubby: But me no buts. You’re an Oscar-winning composer- go and compose!
(John leaves, muttering.)
1983.
John: Cubby-
Cubby: All right, this time you win, John- go and write whatever you want.
Mathis: So, tell us please doctor, your thoughts?
Doctor: On initial assessment it would seem that your friend has been very badly treated.
(Vesper begins to sniff.)
Mathis: Can you tell us more, please?
Doctor: Well, to start with he has various minor injuries, mainly cuts and bruises.
Mathis: We know he was in a car crash.
Doctor: Well that would account for most of it although he also has a strange laceration on his stomach. I am most concerned, however, about the state of his genitals.
(Vesper sobs.)
Mathis: Ah, yes.
Doctor: Most odd. It looks as if he has been deliberately battered there several times with a hard instrument- a knotted rope or perhaps a carpet beater.
(Vesper wails.)
Mathis: I see. Can you assess the extent of his injuries?
Doctor: It is too soon to tell. If I tried, I might get the sack.
(Vesper begins to roll on the floor, pounding it with her fists.)
Mathis: Be quiet, Vesper. Doctor, will there be any permanent effects from this maltreatment?
Doctor: Well, there may be a vas deferens.
(Vesper throws a rope over a beam in the ceiling. Mathis calmly pulls it back down.)
Mathis: How will this affect his temperament?
Doctor: He might feel a little testy.
(Vesper pulls a gun from her bag and holds it to her head. Mathis does nothing, and there is the sound of a little “click”.)
Vesper: I'm really sorry. I could have shot myself.
Mathis: You might have even killed yourself if you'd taken off the safety catch.
Vesper: Thank you, Mathis. I’m back under control now.
Doctor: Is there anything else I can tell you?
Mathis: May we get in to see him at the moment?
Doctor: What, are you nuts?
(Vesper begins to wail again.)
Mathis: Too soon?
Doctor: Definitely too soon. You will be informed when I decide that visitors will be appropriate.
Mathis: You’re talking balls, doctor.
(Vesper cries as she sinks to the floor again.)
Doctor: Hey, you asked the questions- I’m only answering them!
Deleted scene-
Mathis: What about his sex life?
Doctor: I don't think he'll be able to roger more.
Mathis: Not a problem, he never could do that anyway.
Harry: Hey Cubs, I'm working on what I'd like to be our next big pic.
Cubby: Really? Tell me more Harry.
Harry: Well I've got the cream of the cream sorted. Guy Hamilton directing, Ken Adam designing the sets, Peter Murton art directing, shooting on location and at Pinewood....
Cubby: Sounds great Harry! Have you got a screen treatment yet?
Harry: Well the film starts with a great little action sequence, before we cut to everyone's favourite British spy. He's in his flat in London, he's wearing a yellow dressing gown - I'm kinda partial to those, y'know - we see a rumpled bed, he's exchanging banter with a beautiful female agent...
Cubby: Well, when you're young, and your heart is an open book...
Harry: Anyway, his boss, whose office overlooks Trafalgar Square and has lepidoptery prints on his walls, sends him on a mission overseas. He arrives, establishes contact with another handsome agent, they discuss the mission, then our man gets kidnapped by the other side, and he meets the 'big man' on the opposition.
Cubby: When you've got a job to do, you've got to do it well.
Harry: Well, he gets out of it, then he has some scrapes, he meets a beautiful girl, there are punch ups, shoot outs, there's even an identity change to throw everyone off the scent.
Cubby: Any standout scenes, Harry?
Harry: Get this! There's a great twist around a funeral. You think it's one guy's funeral, but the twist is, another guy winds up dead and in the coffin! The music is really slow and somber, but when the twist is revealed, an upbeat, brassy jazz piece blasts out! What do you say, Cubs, did I nail it or did I nail it?
Cubby: You know you did, you know you did, you know you did. Have you got a title yet, Harry?
Harry: Sure! "Funeral in Berlin". I can't wait to see Michael Caine in action again!
Cubby: Well that'll give the other fella hell...
'Saturnine' is a fabulous word.
I also love the words 'sardonic' and 'anodyne'.
Don Black is so underrated.
My father is furious his show on Radio 2 has been canceled and replaced with .... Anneka Rice !! Can you believe that??!!
C&D, that was an unexpected angle. Thanks for reminding me I must watch that again, and soon.
Now to think up something using "sardonic".....
Any chance of a Harry Palmer/James Bond crossover? They're in a similar line of work, yet their worlds look so different and they handle their jobs so differently.
How would ConneryBond handle those incomprehensible PalmerFilm plots?
Would Palmers calm ironic stare be enough to save the world from a SPECTRE plot?
What would the two characters have to say to each other?
M’s office. The 1980s.
James Bond walks into the office. M waits with the Minister of Defence, while a third man sits in the background taking notes.
James Bond: Good morning, sir, Minister.
M: Ah, good morning, 007.
Sir Frederick Gray: Good morning, Bond. Don’t mind my temporary private secretary, he’s just sitting in on our discussion for the time being. As I was saying, gentlemen, this latest intelligence crisis is becoming a gravely intolerable threat. I’ll be heading to Downing Street this afternoon and I need good news before I update the Prime Minister. Is that clear?
M: Of course. What do you suggest?
Sir Frederick Gray: I’d advise putting 007 on the case immediately. Understand?
M: Good. Now, here are your briefing papers, travel documents, fake passports-
There is a polite cough from the back of the room. James Bond raises a quizzical eyebrow.
Private Secretary: Is that wise, Minister?
Sir Frederick Gray: What do you mean?
Private Secretary: Is it, perhaps, entirely proper for a minister of the Crown to be so closely involved in the planning of intelligence operations?
Sir Frederick Gray: Well…
Private Secretary: Especially when you have a long and complicated history of…interference…in such matters? If memory serves me correctly, you recommended against investigating both Hugo Drax and Max Zorin, and look how they turned out!
Sir Frederick Gray: For heaven’s sake, are you questioning my judgement?
Private Secretary: Not at all, Minister. I’m simply saying that being seen to spend so much time in the company of spies might be perceived in certain quarters as a bold move. You do have an entire department to run, after all. Your predecessors never took such an interest in the minutiae of intelligence work.
Sir Frederick Gray: But I do.
Private Secretary: There are other considerations, Minister. As a result of your handling of intelligence incidents, two French industrial firms and a Greek shipping line have gone bust. One might almost think you were trying to undermine European capitalism…
Sir Frederick Gray: But that’s simply absurd...
Private Secretary: The press might view things differently.
Sir Frederick Gray: I can see what you mean. Yes, well, I suppose I’d really best be on my way. Good evening, gentlemen.
He leaves in a hurry.
James Bond: We won’t be seeing him again.
M: Thank goodness, now I can run the double-O-section in peace. Thanks for the favour, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey: Any time, old chap.
M: And now we can get back to work. Pay attention, 007…
"The spectre of defeat..."
I like the mashups, especially when we have to guess what other film is being mashed up into the Bond formula. The Taxi Driver one from a few pages back was good because I'd forgotten all about that character but suddenly was remembering him vividly!
I'd also like to see a mash-up that revealed Cathy Gale and Pussy Galore were the same character, especially since seeing the Avengers episode The Gilded Cage. I can almost imagine it, but cant make it funny...
1964. (Somewhere in England.)
Mrs Gale: Steed… I have something to tell you.
John Steed: Oh, Mrs Gale, don’t you think I’ve known it all along?
Mrs Gale: You have?
Steed: Of course. The kinky boots, the leather outfits, the enjoyable if very anachronistic collection of kd lang records...
Mrs Gale: No, not that. Look, come into my room for a moment.
(Steed’s eyes light up, then cloud over with disappointment as he sees the suitcases on her bed.)
Steed: You… you’re leaving?
Mrs Gale: We’ve had a good time together, but it’s time for me to move on.
Steed: But why? Where are you going?
Mrs Gale: I’ve had an offer from a man named Goldfinger.
Steed: Goldfinger? Sounds like a French-
Mrs Gale: -nail varnish, yes, everyone says that. He's British, but he doesn't sound like it. Big operator, worldwide interests. All seem reputable. Owns one of the finest US stud farms.
Steed: Ah, I wonder if he’s looking for a trainer.
Mrs Gale: I’ll ask him. I’m going to work for him as his pilot, with the side benefit that I get to run my own flying circus.
Steed: I didn’t expect the flying circus.
Mrs Gale: Nobody expects the flying circus. Our chief weapon is surprise.
Steed: So, when do you have to go?
Mrs Gale: Right away, I’m afraid.
Steed: I’m sorry to hear that. One more thing, though, before you go- we can’t risk any connection being made to our department.
Mrs Gale: What do you mean?
Steed: You’ll have to use a different name.
Mrs Gale: Oh, I’ve already taken care of that. (She whispers in his ear.) What do you think?
Steed: I must be dreaming.
Brilliant, Barbel, simply brilliant!
Several uniformed army officers sit in an ornate drawing room, before a roaring fire.
General Gogol: Listen carefully, gentlemen. I have just been on the phone to our new premier, Gorbachev. He intends to introduce new doctrines of perestroika and glasnost. In effect, this means a new era of international conduct. Our relations with our capitalist foes shall be friendly and cordial. Above all, we must do nothing to undermine or provoke the West. Is that understood?
General Koskov: Perfectly, sir.
General Ouromov: Absolutely, sir.
General Gogol: Excellent. I knew you’d get the message. Now as you probably know, I shall be retiring to take up the post of ambassador, and I expect you to be on your best behaviour. No plots or counter-plots, assassinations, that sort of thing. General Ouromov, I understand that you’re being promoted- head of Space Division, is that right?
General Ouromov: Indeed, sir.
General Gogol: How’s GoldenEye coming along?
General Ouromov: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about, sir.
General Gogol: Me neither. No idea what I meant there. Silly me. Moving on…Anyway, I hope I can trust you to help usher in this new age of positive diplomacy with the West in the proper way…
General Koskov: You can count on us, sir.
General Ouromov: I’ll second that, sir.
General Gogol: I’m glad to hear it. Now, I think that concludes our business. Anyone for caviar and pancakes?
"The spectre of defeat..."
That does explain why Cathy never succumbed to Steed's often heavy-handed attempts to flirt ... she was immune!
The way I see it, Galore and Gale being the same person also explains why she suddenly changed sides after the infamous barn scene. Not that she really did succumb to Bond's charms, but she was working undercover all along. It almost makes sense when you think about it too much like I do!
I like the idea of all the 60s superspys coexisting in a shared universe!