1998 New Bond Film Scripts sent to Principal Cast;
Somewhere in Beverley Hills a script is hand delivered to an actress;
DR: Oh wow! The script has arrived! I'm so excited to get a part in a Bond film! No matter how small. I can't wait!
Excitedly she opens the parcel..
DR: Hmmm... This is quite thick? Perhaps they've just used a big typeface spread over a lot of pages, so it's easier to read and practise in the mirror?
Somewhere in Chelsea a script is hand delivered to an actress;
SST: Oh fab! The script has arrived! I'm overwhelmed to be cast as the Bond Girl in the next film. I can't wait!
Excitedly she opens the parcel..
SST: Hmmm... This is quite thin.. Perhaps it's just an overview of the character?
Meanwhile, in an office in London;
DMcW to her PA: Did those scripts go out to Miss Richards and Miss Scott Thomas?
PA: Yes Madam. Shipped yesterday by secure express courier as requested.
DMcW: And you made sure they were sent in the right envelopes?
PA: Yes Madam. Mr Wilson helped me pack them himself...
Gilbert: Right, the gondola chase seemed to work well, John.
Glen: Thanks, Lewis. Now, here’s the scene where it turns into a hovercraft and Roger drives it through the square.
Gilbert: Let’s have a look, then…
Glen: Ok, here goes. We go into the square…
Gilbert: Looking good, we’ve got the waiter pouring beer on the man’s head. Good shot of Victor and his wine bottle… Hey, what’s this with the pigeon?
Glen: (Spitting feathers from his mouth.) Pigeon?
Gilbert: Take it back, take it back… there, that pigeon- it did a double-take! I don’t remember filming a pigeon!
Glen: Ah, yes, er, that was me Lewis, I thought it would be a nice touch.
Gilbert: A nice touch? A double-taking pigeon?
Glen: Hey, you’ve already got a steel-toothed giant falling for a small blonde with braces!
Gilbert: Braces? She didn’t have braces!
Glen: Really? I could have sworn she-
Gilbert: Anyway, what possessed you to put a double-taking pigeon into this scene?
Glen: Well, I like birds and I thought-
Gilbert: I’ll let it stand, John, but don’t do that again. Once you start directing pictures yourself you can put in as many birds as you like but no more on this one!
1999. Eon HQ.
DAVID ARNOLD: Guys! Guys! I’ve found the perfect artist to do the title song next time…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Really?
DAVID ARNOLD: Yeah- they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Pardon?
DAVID ARNOLD: I said, they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: We’re not looking for garbage, David.
DAVID ARNOLD: Why not? They’re a great band!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Make up your mind, please…are they good, or are they rubbish?
DAVID ARNOLD: Well, technically they’re both…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: What was their last album?
DAVID ARNOLD: It was Absolute Garbage.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Then why on earth do you want to let them near Bond?
DAVID ARNOLD: I can explain…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: You're fired. Get me John Barry on the phone, please.
DAVID ARNOLD: Now wait a minute…
Harry: Ah, come in Mr McGoohan, please have a seat.
Patrick: Thank you.
Cubby: I take it you’ve read the script?
Patrick: Yes, and I have one or two little points to discuss with you.
Harry: Oh?
Patrick: Yes, first of all this scene here when Bond comes back to his apartment and finds Miss Trench there.
Cubby: Yes, he finds her playing golf. We could change that, she could be playing something else instead, like cards, if you like?
Patrick: No, not that- it seems she spends the night with Bond before he flies off to Jamaica.
Harry: Well, yes.
Patrick: That has to go. And later, he goes to Miss Taro’s place and they go to bed!
Cubby: That’s right, he knows Professor Dent will come there later and try to kill him.
Patrick: That has to go too. And speaking of Professor Dent, he shoots him!
Harry: Of course, Dent has tried to kill him and he’s licenced to kill.
Patrick: Well that has to go, too. Speaking of which, he kills one of the guards in the swamp and then later he-
Cubby: You don’t want to be seen killing people?
Patrick: That’s right.
Harry: And you don’t want to go to bed with any of the beautiful ladies?
Patrick: Yes, that’s right too.
Cubby: I see… Well, thanks Mr McGoohan, we’ll be letting you know.
Patrick: Shall I take the script away with me?
Harry: No, just leave it here. Thanks. (Patrick exits.)
Harry: This is going to be harder than I thought.
Cubby: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find the right man soon. Next! (A tall man with thinning dark hair comes in.)
Man: Ish thish the plashe for the Jamesh Bond interviewsh?
Guy: Right, that’s the lighting sorted. Sound, good to go?
Soundman: All set, Mr Hamilton.
Guy: Time to get the cast, then. Derek, please round them up!
Derek: Sure thing, Guy.
(Derek goes to the dressing room doors and knocks on the first one.)
Derek: Roger? It’s Derek.
Roger: (Opening door.) But of course it is, how are you Derek?
Derek: All fine, Guy asks if you’d come to the set now.
Roger: Certainly.
(Derek goes to the next door and starts to knock, but the door opens inwards of its own accord with an eerie creak.)
Derek: Er, hello? (There is no reply. Derek walks hesitantly into the darkened chamber. As his eyes adjust, he sees what appears to be a long box on a table which he walks towards. The lid of the box creaks open.)
Christopher: Good evening. I bid you welcome.
Derek: Er, Mr Lee, please could you come to the set, if that’s ok. If you wouldn’t mind. Please.
Christopher: Who has summoned…. ME?
Derek: Er, that would be Mr Hamilton. Guy Hamilton. The, er, director. If it’s not too much trouble…
Christopher: I shall be there.
(Derek runs relievedly to the next door and knocks. There is the sound of much female laughter and giggling from behind the door.)
Hervé: Who is it?
Derek: Monsieur Villechaize, it’s Derek the assistant director. Mr Hamilton would like you on set, please.
Girl’s Voice: Not now! He is still busy with us! (More giggling.)
Derek: But it’s time for him to be on set!
Second Girl’s Voice: Go away!!!
(Derek returns to the set to see Guy, Roger and Christopher waiting.)
Guy: Well? Where’s Hervé?
Derek: He’s just coming, sir.
Harry: Ah, come in Mr McGoohan, please have a seat.
... (A tall man with thinning dark hair comes in.)
Man: Ish thish the plashe for the Jamesh Bond interviewsh?
Probably more than a grain of truth in that one! ) ) )
Rachel: Ok Dan, it's that time again.
Dan: Rachel - drop it. You'll lose.
Rachel: C'mon Dan, you know I love this game. Please!
Dan: Okay, okay. What do you want to go for this time?
Rachel: Name three occupations as far away from Bond as you can get.
Dan: Umm... suburban dog walker... middle-aged school teacher... cowboy. But I'm telling you, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Now we're talking! Ok for the dog walker, let's see, you gotta wear an ill-fitting navy Barbour with a pointy collar and suede desert boots. Let's see.. for the school teacher, you've gotta wear a blue shirt, burgundy tie, beige corduroy suit... and braces. Braces with a belt! And for the cowboy... one of those oversize duster coats, a grandad collarless shirt, and the braces again.
Dan: Rachel, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Here's the clincher: none of it can cost less than hundreds of pounds. And the watch has to cost at least £8k!
Dan: It's no good Rachel. You're still going to lose. No matter what it looks like or what it costs, if I wear it, those Bond fans will buy it! They're crazy!
Publisher: Good morning Ian, how are you?
Fleming: I’m fine, how are you?
Publisher: Can’t complain. Fancy a drink?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of-
Publisher: Yes, yes, I’ve been publishing your books for years, I know the recipe by now.
Fleming: Thank you. I’ve brought my new manuscript with me.
Publisher: Great, I really enjoyed your last one- the one with Fort Knox and Pussy Galore and Oddjob- great stuff!
Fleming: Well, I thought I’d do something a bit different this time. It’s a collection of five short stories.
Publisher: Short stories? I hope James Bond is in them!
Fleming: Yes, he’s in them.
Publisher: Tell me all about it!
Fleming: Well, I won't keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. Now, the first story is called “From A View To A Kill”.
Publisher: Hmm, that’s a bit wordy- you don’t fancy shortening it, maybe chopping off the first word?
Fleming: No, no, that wouldn’t make any sense. It would be crazy to do that.
Publisher: I suppose so.
Fleming: It’s set in France.
Publisher: France, eh? Have you got a scene on the Eiffel Tower? I know- Bond chases a villain up the Tower but they jump off on a parachute!
Fleming: That would be ridiculous.
Publisher: A car chase? Maybe Bond is in that Aston Martin from the last book, the one with the gadgets?
Fleming: Well, there is a motorcycle chase.
Publisher: Excellent! What’s the next story?
Fleming: It’s called “For Your Eyes Only”, and it’s the title story. A couple called Havelock are killed by a villain named Gonzales, and M sends Bond on a mission where he teams up with their daughter, who’s armed with a crossbow to take revenge.
Publisher: Good stuff.
Fleming: The next story is called “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Wha…? Bantam Of Shoelace?
Fleming: “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Ian, I swear I don’t know where you get these titles from. Don’t bother telling me about that one, what’s next?
Fleming: The next one is called “Risico” and-
Publisher: See, there you go with these titles again!
Fleming: Bond is investigating drug smuggling, and meets two characters called Kristatos and Colombo and doesn’t know which one to trust. There’s a beautiful woman called Lisl.
Publisher: Fine, but can’t you think of a better title? Something like, say, “The Death Peddlers”?
Fleming: No, I like “Risico”.
Publisher: Maybe “Risky Business”?
Fleming: No! Now, this one I'm particularly keen about. “The Hildebrand Rarity”.
Publisher: You’re just trying to upset me now.
Fleming: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose.
Publisher: Very well, let’s just go with all that. After all, you have to take the rough with the smooth.
Lewis: Now, Richard, we want the audience to be really scared that Jaws is going to kill James Bond.
Richard: What, like this? (Richard picks up Roger Moore and bounces him off the ceiling four or five times.)
Roger: Ooof!!!
Lewis: No, not like that. Grab him but let his arms be free so he can get a weapon.
Richard: Oh, I see. Like this? (Richard picks up Roger with one hand and holds him high in the air.)
Roger: Aargh!!
Lewis: No, a bit lower. He has to be able to reach the table.
Richard: Right. (Richard thrusts Roger against a wall.)
Roger: Owww!!!
Lewis: Can you reach the table, Roger?
Roger: (Gasping.) … table…?
Lewis: Yes, you have to get the lamp. (Roger desperately grabs the lamp as Richard shoves him against the ceiling.)
Roger: Lewis… Richard…. please...
Lewis: Use two hands, Richard!
Richard: Right!
Roger: Uurgh!!!
Lewis: Right, action! Richard, welease Woger. (Roger collapses in a heap clinging to the lamp.)
Lawyer: Now, what can I do for you?
Boy: It was yesterday, I was going about my work.
Lawyer: Your work?
Boy: Yes, I sell wooden elephants to tourists. This one was English, all dressed in white like he was doing karate or kung-fu or something like that, and he was in a boat.
Lawyer: A boat, you say?
Boy: But he was having trouble with making it go. I climbed into his boat from the river and put on my can’t speak English act. I said “Elephant. Bargain mister, 100 bahts” but he just ignored me, kept looking behind as if he was being chased.
Lawyer: And then?
Boy: Then I cut the price- “Elephant, real elephant! 50 bahts!”
Lawyer: Did that work?
Boy: No, he just kept trying to make the boat go faster. I said “You are very handsome man, 40 bahts”.
Lawyer: And was he?
Boy: Oh yes, one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. Next I said “For you mister, 20 bahts” which was my lowest offer.
Lawyer: And he still wasn’t interested?
Boy: No, but he spoke now and said “Sonny, I’ll give you 20,000 bahts if you can make this heap go any faster!”
Lawyer: Hmmm, he must have thought it was very important.
Boy: He didn’t know anything about our boats- I turned the fuel release valve and the boat started going faster so I smiled and asked for my 20,000 bahts.
Lawyer: What happened then?
Boy: He just pushed me into the water saying “I’m afraid I’ll have to owe you” and sped off.
Lawyer: So you didn’t get your money?
Boy: No! I want you to find him and sue him for my 20,000 bahts!
Lawyer: Well, did you get his name and address?
Boy: There wasn’t time.
Lawyer: Then I’m afraid there’s very little I can do for you. Very sorry.
Boy: Bloody tourists!
Saltzman: So, has anyone seen Cubby?
Hamilton: He said last night “See you in the morning” same as usual.
Saltzman: Oh, well, better go ahead anyway. Richard, what’s your thoughts?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve kept the first half of the script quite close to the novel- included Tiffany Case, Wint & Kidd, the South Africa bit- and then we get to Las Vegas. Tom?
Mankiewicz: I think in the casino James should meet some absolute beauty but I’m stuck for a name for her.
Saltzman: What are you thinking?
Mankiewicz: Something like Alotta Cleavage?
Hamilton: Busty O’Bedtime?
Maibaum: Peaches Aplenty?
Saltzman: I like the “Aplenty” bit.
Mankiewicz: Plenty O’Peaches?
Saltzman: Hmm, we’re getting closer, I’m sure it’ll come to us. What happens next?
Mankiewicz: She fancies James and they head back to his room but three of Blofeld’s men are waiting there and they throw her out of a window.
Hamilton: What? Are you kidding?
Mankiewicz: It’s ok, she lands in the pool.
Hamilton: I didn’t know there was a pool down there.
Mankiewicz: Great line, Guy! (Scribbles away furiously.) I’m putting that in.
Maibaum: Then the gangsters leave, but James finds Tiffany in his bed waiting.
Saltzman: That’s great Richard, there’s a lot more to you than I had expected.
Mankiewicz: Wait a minute… (Scribble, scribble.) Got that too! (The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters.)
Broccoli: Guys, I overslept- but I had this fantastic dream! I went to visit Howard Hughes in his penthouse but when he turned round it wasn’t him!
Maibaum: Who was it?
Broccoli: It looked like Henderson from “You Only Live Twice”, but there were two of him.
Mankiewicz: Hold on, hold on… got that!
Hamilton: Have we decided yet if Blofeld is going to be in this? James will be wanting revenge on him for killing his wife at the end of the last movie.
Saltzman: Nah, we’ll just gloss over that. We don’t want to go to all that time and expense simply to provide him with one mock-heroic moment.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) You got that, Tom?
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Yeah, got it.
Broccoli: I think we’ve gotta have a car chase in Vegas.
Hamilton: No problem, we can do that.
Saltzman: And a space buggy chase!
Broccoli: Space buggy chase?
Saltzman: Yeah, sure, why not?
Broccoli: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) Tom-
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Way ahead of you, Richard.
Maibaum: Now, Cubby, we’ve been trying to come up with a name for this girl James meets in Las Vegas-
Broccoli: No question- Plenty O’Toole!
Hamilton: That’s brilliant!
Broccoli: Intuitive improvisation- it’s the true secret of genius.
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Shall I include that, too?
Maibaum: (Whispering.) I’ll save it for a later film. (Several hours later.)
Broccoli: ...and we finish on the oil rig. Sounds great, guys. Now, let’s work on the middle of the film.
Hamilton: Count me out, Cubby. It’s late, I’m tired, and there’s so much left to do.
Maibaum & Mankiewicz: That’s going in!
Wilson: Can't wait to see the new script, John.
Broccoli: How's it coming along?
Logan: It's um... it's..
Wilson: Yes, John?
Logan: Well, we're still writing it.
Broccoli: "We"?
Logan: Yes, umm, well I wrote most of it. The really good bits. But I've been kinda busy working with Tim and Eva on Penny Dreadful, you know I love that Shakespearean dialogue and no one does it like Tim. And I really don't get all this modern street stuff so, y'know, Neal and Bob gave it a bit of a once over, they really dig their Bond stuff, kept talking about putting Easter Eggs in it, whatever that means, something about volcanoes and Hildebrandt or something, I don't get it.
Broccoli: Okay, I can get on board with that.
Logan: Okay yes, and Jez...
Wilson: Jez?
Logan: Sorry yes Jez Butterworth, buddy of mine, he lobbed in some cool stuff about Mexico I think, not really sure tbh...
Broccoli: Okay, four writing a script is a little bit like too many chefs, but okay.
Logan: Umm, when you say four, don't forget that Dan has been adding some stuff..
Wilson: Look, as long as we get a good solid film, old school, Bond on a mission, none of the silly stuff that Rachel always puts Dan up to, that personal stuff...
Broccoli: Mikey, I don't see how that could possibly happen, I mean we killed off Vesper, M, there's no one left, it's not like he has a long lost brother or something stoopid like that which Rachel could put Dan up to, is it?
Logan: Umm...
) ) ) ) Once again, probably close to the truth! There may be a little more fun in going down this route... (Plain English: there's plenty in that film to take the piss out of)
Cubby: Great to have you back on board, John, I know you’re limited for time but I can feel a great score coming on.
Barry: Thanks, Cubby, so we’ve had Matt Monro, Britain’s answer to Frank Sinatra, also Frank’s daughter, Shirley’s done two, Tom Jones, International star, Beatle Paul McCartney and of course the late, great Louis Armstrong, who am I working with this time?
Harry: Errrr....Lulu
Barry: Lulu?
Harry: Yes...Lulu
Barry: As in Lulu and the Luvvers?
Cubby: Well, short notice and all that...but your theme song will overcome any shortcomings
Barry: Have you see the lyrics? (Passes them over) It looks like Don gave the job to his neighbour, that Michael Winner bloke to write while Don worked on something else!
(Harry dials number on phone)
Harry: Don, I told you I wanted the song to be about Scaramanga not Bond, we had this trouble with Thunderball...
Don: It IS about Scaramanga!
Harry: He’s got a powerful weapon! That’s Bond!
Don: Fits for Scaramanga too
Harry: An assassin that’s second to none. Love is required. No one can match him. Sounds like Bond to me!
Don: Well, it fits them both anyway, does it really matter?
***********
( A couple of weeks later in the screening room)
Cubby: Looking forward to seeing how your score makes the film sound, John. Did I tell you that from now on we’re gonna have a major stunt in each movie which will be the selling point of the movie to audiences, this time it’s the car leap from the bridge.
Barry: Umm...yes, I’ve used an instrument I’ve never used before on a movie
(Cubby claps his hands together) Cubby: Whoa, sounds good, not forgetting this stunt cost a fortune to set up, computers working out the logistics, stunt driver etc etc. What you use John?
Barry: Errrr...a slide whistle....
*************
1975: (Harry has sold his stake in the Bond films to United Artists)
Cubby: I guess that’s it then, Harry, where did it all go wrong?
Harry: Not sure, Cubby, but it’s been good hasn’t it?
Cubby: Sure has, kid, things will never be the same though, what you gonna do with your fortune?
Harry: Well, you know, you always liked the lighter side of Bond, I preferred the FRWL side, like with Harry Palmer. I want to make a movie about Nijinsky.
Cubby: C’mon Harry, no one will want to see a movie about a horse!
Harry: No, not the horse, the dancer!
Cubby: Still won’t sell, Harry, why not buy a delicatessen and run it your way, you’re always sending food back in restaurants, even Roger says that when dining with you everyone has to hold onto their plates!
(Harry grins widely) Yeah, I could have one made in stainless steel!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Mendes: Oh, come on Christoph!
Waltz: No!
Mendes: It's not that bad, surely.
Waltz: No! Nein! No way!
Mendes: Really, it'll all be over in a second, you'll hardly notice.
Waltz: Sam, you and I have many awards, Oscars on our shelves, this would be an insult to them. We will be laughing stocks!
Mendes: But I promise, you'll see it all come together later, it'll all make sense once you have the big picture.
Craig: Just do it, Christoph, I had a lot worse in "Quantum Of Solace".
Waltz: Now that I can believe- but still no, unless....
Mendes: Yes? Unless...?
Waltz: Sam, you remember what I was saying just before we started shooting? You know, about the wardrobe....
Mendes: Oh, no, you have got to be kidding!
Waltz: Have I? Well, that's actors for you- they always know which buttons to press.
Mendes: Christoph, no, really....
Waltz: Dum-de-dum.... (Whistles casually.)
Mendes: (Reluctantly.) Ok, you win- you can play the part with no socks.
Waltz: And I will say the line you want me to say.
Mendes: Right, then- action!
Waltz:
(This one is more imaginary than most of the others)
1966. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)
Publisher: Ah, come in Ian. Fancy a drink?
Fleming: But of course- I believe you know the recipe by now.
Publisher: Oh, yes. Now, what have we got this year?
Fleming: I thought I’d do another collection of short stories.
Publisher: You mean like “For Your Eyes Only”?
Fleming: That’s right, but only four of them this time.
Publisher: I hope you’ve thought up better titles this time!
Fleming: Well, you can be the judge. First, I’ve got a story about Bond covering a spy’s escape at the Berlin Wall. Bond has to shoot the assassin who’s going to shoot the spy. He spots a beautiful blonde girl with a cello who’s doing a concert there.
Publisher: I don’t suppose this has anything to do with the fact that your sister plays the cello?
Fleming: Just a coincidence- though in fact, I give my sister a brief mention in the story.
Publisher: Nice one!
Fleming: Bond has some friction with the local man, Sender.
Publisher: Saunders?
Fleming: No, Sender. No good reason to change it to Saunders. It turns out that the assassin is really the blonde girl.
Publisher: Great idea! Does the spy turn out to be a double agent, who gets stolen from the British and then the blonde is his girlfriend but Bond steals her away from him and-
Fleming: No, no, I just stop the story after Bond finds out that she’s the assassin.
Publisher: (Disappointed.) Oh. Well, what do you call it? “Berlin Escape”, perhaps?
Fleming: No, not that.
Publisher: “Trigger Finger” would be a good title.
Fleming: No, I’m calling it “The Living Daylights”.
Publisher: Huh?
Fleming: Bond scares the living daylights out of her, you see.
Publisher: Ah, ok. What’s next?
Fleming: A story about a Fabergé egg being sold at Sotheby’s, and Bond has to identify who’s buying it. It’s called “The Property Of a Lady”.
Publisher: Good, I like that one. I’m sure the film guys will love using that as a title first chance they get.
Fleming: Do you think so?
Publisher: Yes, of course. What, do you think they’ll just make up their own titles using “die” in as many ways as they can?
Fleming: Next is one called “007 In New York”.
Publisher: Hmm, not so sure about that one- what happens in it?
Fleming: Well, there’s a recipe for scrambled eggs and Bond goes to a zoo.
Publisher: Ian…
Fleming: They are really good scrambled eggs. Next, is the title story- “Octopussy”!
Publisher: Say what?
Fleming; "Octopussy". It’s about-
Publisher: No, I can’t concentrate. I’m thinking about how I’m going to get that past the censors.
Fleming: I see.
Publisher: You know, I think we’d probably be best releasing these stories in small doses- two here, one there. We won’t collect them all in one volume for, oh, thirty or forty years.
Fleming: Whatever you think is best.
Publisher: I think I need one of your drinks now. Three measures of Gordons, one of vodka….
1967. (Just outside Pinewood. Ken Adam leads the senior staff to a massive curtained structure.)
Cubby: I hope this is worth it, Ken, you’ve spent a lot of our money on this.
Ken: It will be, Cubby, you are going to love it.
Harry: Well, it’s certainly big enough. That’s a huge curtain you’ve got covering it.
Ken: Yes, I wanted to keep it a surprise for you.
Lewis: I’m keen to see what we’ll be shooting in.
Roald: Me too, it’s been a long wait.
Cubby: Ken has done a good job keeping it secret. He’s also done a good job spending a hell of a lot of money.
Ken: Relax, Cubby, have I ever let you down?
Cubby: Well, I loved the Fort Knox you built.
Harry: And Dr No’s control room.
Lewis: (Impatient.) Let’s see it, Ken! (Ken grabs a rope and pulls. The huge curtain falls down, revealing the volcano set.)
Ken: There you are, gentlemen. The result of many months of work!
Cubby: (Astonished.) It’s wonderful! There’s a full-size space rocket!
Lewis: (Shocked.) And a monorail! Superb!
Roald: (Stunned.) It’s huge! Fantastic!
Ken: Harry?
Cubby: Harry?
Roald: Harry?
Lewis: Harry?
Seems that Barbel has had those prepared in his head for decades and now that he can put them out, he seems to be 20 years younger and ... less grumpy than before )
President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Comments
Somewhere in Beverley Hills a script is hand delivered to an actress;
DR: Oh wow! The script has arrived! I'm so excited to get a part in a Bond film! No matter how small. I can't wait!
Excitedly she opens the parcel..
DR: Hmmm... This is quite thick? Perhaps they've just used a big typeface spread over a lot of pages, so it's easier to read and practise in the mirror?
Somewhere in Chelsea a script is hand delivered to an actress;
SST: Oh fab! The script has arrived! I'm overwhelmed to be cast as the Bond Girl in the next film. I can't wait!
Excitedly she opens the parcel..
SST: Hmmm... This is quite thin.. Perhaps it's just an overview of the character?
Meanwhile, in an office in London;
DMcW to her PA: Did those scripts go out to Miss Richards and Miss Scott Thomas?
PA: Yes Madam. Shipped yesterday by secure express courier as requested.
DMcW: And you made sure they were sent in the right envelopes?
PA: Yes Madam. Mr Wilson helped me pack them himself...
Gilbert: Right, the gondola chase seemed to work well, John.
Glen: Thanks, Lewis. Now, here’s the scene where it turns into a hovercraft and Roger drives it through the square.
Gilbert: Let’s have a look, then…
Glen: Ok, here goes. We go into the square…
Gilbert: Looking good, we’ve got the waiter pouring beer on the man’s head. Good shot of Victor and his wine bottle… Hey, what’s this with the pigeon?
Glen: (Spitting feathers from his mouth.) Pigeon?
Gilbert: Take it back, take it back… there, that pigeon- it did a double-take! I don’t remember filming a pigeon!
Glen: Ah, yes, er, that was me Lewis, I thought it would be a nice touch.
Gilbert: A nice touch? A double-taking pigeon?
Glen: Hey, you’ve already got a steel-toothed giant falling for a small blonde with braces!
Gilbert: Braces? She didn’t have braces!
Glen: Really? I could have sworn she-
Gilbert: Anyway, what possessed you to put a double-taking pigeon into this scene?
Glen: Well, I like birds and I thought-
Gilbert: I’ll let it stand, John, but don’t do that again. Once you start directing pictures yourself you can put in as many birds as you like but no more on this one!
(Anyone get the one about spitting feathers?
DAVID ARNOLD: Guys! Guys! I’ve found the perfect artist to do the title song next time…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Really?
DAVID ARNOLD: Yeah- they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Pardon?
DAVID ARNOLD: I said, they’re Garbage!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: We’re not looking for garbage, David.
DAVID ARNOLD: Why not? They’re a great band!
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Make up your mind, please…are they good, or are they rubbish?
DAVID ARNOLD: Well, technically they’re both…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: What was their last album?
DAVID ARNOLD: It was Absolute Garbage.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Then why on earth do you want to let them near Bond?
DAVID ARNOLD: I can explain…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: You're fired. Get me John Barry on the phone, please.
DAVID ARNOLD: Now wait a minute…
"The spectre of defeat..."
Harry: Ah, come in Mr McGoohan, please have a seat.
Patrick: Thank you.
Cubby: I take it you’ve read the script?
Patrick: Yes, and I have one or two little points to discuss with you.
Harry: Oh?
Patrick: Yes, first of all this scene here when Bond comes back to his apartment and finds Miss Trench there.
Cubby: Yes, he finds her playing golf. We could change that, she could be playing something else instead, like cards, if you like?
Patrick: No, not that- it seems she spends the night with Bond before he flies off to Jamaica.
Harry: Well, yes.
Patrick: That has to go. And later, he goes to Miss Taro’s place and they go to bed!
Cubby: That’s right, he knows Professor Dent will come there later and try to kill him.
Patrick: That has to go too. And speaking of Professor Dent, he shoots him!
Harry: Of course, Dent has tried to kill him and he’s licenced to kill.
Patrick: Well that has to go, too. Speaking of which, he kills one of the guards in the swamp and then later he-
Cubby: You don’t want to be seen killing people?
Patrick: That’s right.
Harry: And you don’t want to go to bed with any of the beautiful ladies?
Patrick: Yes, that’s right too.
Cubby: I see… Well, thanks Mr McGoohan, we’ll be letting you know.
Patrick: Shall I take the script away with me?
Harry: No, just leave it here. Thanks.
(Patrick exits.)
Harry: This is going to be harder than I thought.
Cubby: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find the right man soon. Next!
(A tall man with thinning dark hair comes in.)
Man: Ish thish the plashe for the Jamesh Bond interviewsh?
Guy: Right, that’s the lighting sorted. Sound, good to go?
Soundman: All set, Mr Hamilton.
Guy: Time to get the cast, then. Derek, please round them up!
Derek: Sure thing, Guy.
(Derek goes to the dressing room doors and knocks on the first one.)
Derek: Roger? It’s Derek.
Roger: (Opening door.) But of course it is, how are you Derek?
Derek: All fine, Guy asks if you’d come to the set now.
Roger: Certainly.
(Derek goes to the next door and starts to knock, but the door opens inwards of its own accord with an eerie creak.)
Derek: Er, hello?
(There is no reply. Derek walks hesitantly into the darkened chamber. As his eyes adjust, he sees what appears to be a long box on a table which he walks towards. The lid of the box creaks open.)
Christopher: Good evening. I bid you welcome.
Derek: Er, Mr Lee, please could you come to the set, if that’s ok. If you wouldn’t mind. Please.
Christopher: Who has summoned…. ME?
Derek: Er, that would be Mr Hamilton. Guy Hamilton. The, er, director. If it’s not too much trouble…
Christopher: I shall be there.
(Derek runs relievedly to the next door and knocks. There is the sound of much female laughter and giggling from behind the door.)
Hervé: Who is it?
Derek: Monsieur Villechaize, it’s Derek the assistant director. Mr Hamilton would like you on set, please.
Girl’s Voice: Not now! He is still busy with us! (More giggling.)
Derek: But it’s time for him to be on set!
Second Girl’s Voice: Go away!!!
(Derek returns to the set to see Guy, Roger and Christopher waiting.)
Guy: Well? Where’s Hervé?
Derek: He’s just coming, sir.
Probably more than a grain of truth in that one!
Rachel: Ok Dan, it's that time again.
Dan: Rachel - drop it. You'll lose.
Rachel: C'mon Dan, you know I love this game. Please!
Dan: Okay, okay. What do you want to go for this time?
Rachel: Name three occupations as far away from Bond as you can get.
Dan: Umm... suburban dog walker... middle-aged school teacher... cowboy. But I'm telling you, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Now we're talking! Ok for the dog walker, let's see, you gotta wear an ill-fitting navy Barbour with a pointy collar and suede desert boots. Let's see.. for the school teacher, you've gotta wear a blue shirt, burgundy tie, beige corduroy suit... and braces. Braces with a belt! And for the cowboy... one of those oversize duster coats, a grandad collarless shirt, and the braces again.
Dan: Rachel, you're gonna lose.
Rachel: Here's the clincher: none of it can cost less than hundreds of pounds. And the watch has to cost at least £8k!
Dan: It's no good Rachel. You're still going to lose. No matter what it looks like or what it costs, if I wear it, those Bond fans will buy it! They're crazy!
Publisher: Good morning Ian, how are you?
Fleming: I’m fine, how are you?
Publisher: Can’t complain. Fancy a drink?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of-
Publisher: Yes, yes, I’ve been publishing your books for years, I know the recipe by now.
Fleming: Thank you. I’ve brought my new manuscript with me.
Publisher: Great, I really enjoyed your last one- the one with Fort Knox and Pussy Galore and Oddjob- great stuff!
Fleming: Well, I thought I’d do something a bit different this time. It’s a collection of five short stories.
Publisher: Short stories? I hope James Bond is in them!
Fleming: Yes, he’s in them.
Publisher: Tell me all about it!
Fleming: Well, I won't keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. Now, the first story is called “From A View To A Kill”.
Publisher: Hmm, that’s a bit wordy- you don’t fancy shortening it, maybe chopping off the first word?
Fleming: No, no, that wouldn’t make any sense. It would be crazy to do that.
Publisher: I suppose so.
Fleming: It’s set in France.
Publisher: France, eh? Have you got a scene on the Eiffel Tower? I know- Bond chases a villain up the Tower but they jump off on a parachute!
Fleming: That would be ridiculous.
Publisher: A car chase? Maybe Bond is in that Aston Martin from the last book, the one with the gadgets?
Fleming: Well, there is a motorcycle chase.
Publisher: Excellent! What’s the next story?
Fleming: It’s called “For Your Eyes Only”, and it’s the title story. A couple called Havelock are killed by a villain named Gonzales, and M sends Bond on a mission where he teams up with their daughter, who’s armed with a crossbow to take revenge.
Publisher: Good stuff.
Fleming: The next story is called “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Wha…? Bantam Of Shoelace?
Fleming: “Quantum Of Solace”.
Publisher: Ian, I swear I don’t know where you get these titles from. Don’t bother telling me about that one, what’s next?
Fleming: The next one is called “Risico” and-
Publisher: See, there you go with these titles again!
Fleming: Bond is investigating drug smuggling, and meets two characters called Kristatos and Colombo and doesn’t know which one to trust. There’s a beautiful woman called Lisl.
Publisher: Fine, but can’t you think of a better title? Something like, say, “The Death Peddlers”?
Fleming: No, I like “Risico”.
Publisher: Maybe “Risky Business”?
Fleming: No! Now, this one I'm particularly keen about. “The Hildebrand Rarity”.
Publisher: You’re just trying to upset me now.
Fleming: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose.
Publisher: Very well, let’s just go with all that. After all, you have to take the rough with the smooth.
Lewis: Now, Richard, we want the audience to be really scared that Jaws is going to kill James Bond.
Richard: What, like this?
(Richard picks up Roger Moore and bounces him off the ceiling four or five times.)
Roger: Ooof!!!
Lewis: No, not like that. Grab him but let his arms be free so he can get a weapon.
Richard: Oh, I see. Like this?
(Richard picks up Roger with one hand and holds him high in the air.)
Roger: Aargh!!
Lewis: No, a bit lower. He has to be able to reach the table.
Richard: Right.
(Richard thrusts Roger against a wall.)
Roger: Owww!!!
Lewis: Can you reach the table, Roger?
Roger: (Gasping.) … table…?
Lewis: Yes, you have to get the lamp.
(Roger desperately grabs the lamp as Richard shoves him against the ceiling.)
Roger: Lewis… Richard…. please...
Lewis: Use two hands, Richard!
Richard: Right!
Roger: Uurgh!!!
Lewis: Right, action! Richard, welease Woger.
(Roger collapses in a heap clinging to the lamp.)
Lawyer: Now, what can I do for you?
Boy: It was yesterday, I was going about my work.
Lawyer: Your work?
Boy: Yes, I sell wooden elephants to tourists. This one was English, all dressed in white like he was doing karate or kung-fu or something like that, and he was in a boat.
Lawyer: A boat, you say?
Boy: But he was having trouble with making it go. I climbed into his boat from the river and put on my can’t speak English act. I said “Elephant. Bargain mister, 100 bahts” but he just ignored me, kept looking behind as if he was being chased.
Lawyer: And then?
Boy: Then I cut the price- “Elephant, real elephant! 50 bahts!”
Lawyer: Did that work?
Boy: No, he just kept trying to make the boat go faster. I said “You are very handsome man, 40 bahts”.
Lawyer: And was he?
Boy: Oh yes, one of the most handsome men I have ever seen. Next I said “For you mister, 20 bahts” which was my lowest offer.
Lawyer: And he still wasn’t interested?
Boy: No, but he spoke now and said “Sonny, I’ll give you 20,000 bahts if you can make this heap go any faster!”
Lawyer: Hmmm, he must have thought it was very important.
Boy: He didn’t know anything about our boats- I turned the fuel release valve and the boat started going faster so I smiled and asked for my 20,000 bahts.
Lawyer: What happened then?
Boy: He just pushed me into the water saying “I’m afraid I’ll have to owe you” and sped off.
Lawyer: So you didn’t get your money?
Boy: No! I want you to find him and sue him for my 20,000 bahts!
Lawyer: Well, did you get his name and address?
Boy: There wasn’t time.
Lawyer: Then I’m afraid there’s very little I can do for you. Very sorry.
Boy: Bloody tourists!
Nope?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDEsm0unZrs
with the humour far from Imaginary
1971. (Eon HQ.)
Saltzman: So, has anyone seen Cubby?
Hamilton: He said last night “See you in the morning” same as usual.
Saltzman: Oh, well, better go ahead anyway. Richard, what’s your thoughts?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve kept the first half of the script quite close to the novel- included Tiffany Case, Wint & Kidd, the South Africa bit- and then we get to Las Vegas. Tom?
Mankiewicz: I think in the casino James should meet some absolute beauty but I’m stuck for a name for her.
Saltzman: What are you thinking?
Mankiewicz: Something like Alotta Cleavage?
Hamilton: Busty O’Bedtime?
Maibaum: Peaches Aplenty?
Saltzman: I like the “Aplenty” bit.
Mankiewicz: Plenty O’Peaches?
Saltzman: Hmm, we’re getting closer, I’m sure it’ll come to us. What happens next?
Mankiewicz: She fancies James and they head back to his room but three of Blofeld’s men are waiting there and they throw her out of a window.
Hamilton: What? Are you kidding?
Mankiewicz: It’s ok, she lands in the pool.
Hamilton: I didn’t know there was a pool down there.
Mankiewicz: Great line, Guy! (Scribbles away furiously.) I’m putting that in.
Maibaum: Then the gangsters leave, but James finds Tiffany in his bed waiting.
Saltzman: That’s great Richard, there’s a lot more to you than I had expected.
Mankiewicz: Wait a minute… (Scribble, scribble.) Got that too!
(The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters.)
Broccoli: Guys, I overslept- but I had this fantastic dream! I went to visit Howard Hughes in his penthouse but when he turned round it wasn’t him!
Maibaum: Who was it?
Broccoli: It looked like Henderson from “You Only Live Twice”, but there were two of him.
Mankiewicz: Hold on, hold on… got that!
Hamilton: Have we decided yet if Blofeld is going to be in this? James will be wanting revenge on him for killing his wife at the end of the last movie.
Saltzman: Nah, we’ll just gloss over that. We don’t want to go to all that time and expense simply to provide him with one mock-heroic moment.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) You got that, Tom?
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Yeah, got it.
Broccoli: I think we’ve gotta have a car chase in Vegas.
Hamilton: No problem, we can do that.
Saltzman: And a space buggy chase!
Broccoli: Space buggy chase?
Saltzman: Yeah, sure, why not?
Broccoli: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon.
Maibaum: (Whispering.) Tom-
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Way ahead of you, Richard.
Maibaum: Now, Cubby, we’ve been trying to come up with a name for this girl James meets in Las Vegas-
Broccoli: No question- Plenty O’Toole!
Hamilton: That’s brilliant!
Broccoli: Intuitive improvisation- it’s the true secret of genius.
Mankiewicz: (Whispering.) Shall I include that, too?
Maibaum: (Whispering.) I’ll save it for a later film.
(Several hours later.)
Broccoli: ...and we finish on the oil rig. Sounds great, guys. Now, let’s work on the middle of the film.
Hamilton: Count me out, Cubby. It’s late, I’m tired, and there’s so much left to do.
Maibaum & Mankiewicz: That’s going in!
Wilson: Can't wait to see the new script, John.
Broccoli: How's it coming along?
Logan: It's um... it's..
Wilson: Yes, John?
Logan: Well, we're still writing it.
Broccoli: "We"?
Logan: Yes, umm, well I wrote most of it. The really good bits. But I've been kinda busy working with Tim and Eva on Penny Dreadful, you know I love that Shakespearean dialogue and no one does it like Tim. And I really don't get all this modern street stuff so, y'know, Neal and Bob gave it a bit of a once over, they really dig their Bond stuff, kept talking about putting Easter Eggs in it, whatever that means, something about volcanoes and Hildebrandt or something, I don't get it.
Broccoli: Okay, I can get on board with that.
Logan: Okay yes, and Jez...
Wilson: Jez?
Logan: Sorry yes Jez Butterworth, buddy of mine, he lobbed in some cool stuff about Mexico I think, not really sure tbh...
Broccoli: Okay, four writing a script is a little bit like too many chefs, but okay.
Logan: Umm, when you say four, don't forget that Dan has been adding some stuff..
Wilson: Look, as long as we get a good solid film, old school, Bond on a mission, none of the silly stuff that Rachel always puts Dan up to, that personal stuff...
Broccoli: Mikey, I don't see how that could possibly happen, I mean we killed off Vesper, M, there's no one left, it's not like he has a long lost brother or something stoopid like that which Rachel could put Dan up to, is it?
Logan: Umm...
(Loved the Shakespeare dig, btw)
Cubby: Great to have you back on board, John, I know you’re limited for time but I can feel a great score coming on.
Barry: Thanks, Cubby, so we’ve had Matt Monro, Britain’s answer to Frank Sinatra, also Frank’s daughter, Shirley’s done two, Tom Jones, International star, Beatle Paul McCartney and of course the late, great Louis Armstrong, who am I working with this time?
Harry: Errrr....Lulu
Barry: Lulu?
Harry: Yes...Lulu
Barry: As in Lulu and the Luvvers?
Cubby: Well, short notice and all that...but your theme song will overcome any shortcomings
Barry: Have you see the lyrics? (Passes them over) It looks like Don gave the job to his neighbour, that Michael Winner bloke to write while Don worked on something else!
(Harry dials number on phone)
Harry: Don, I told you I wanted the song to be about Scaramanga not Bond, we had this trouble with Thunderball...
Don: It IS about Scaramanga!
Harry: He’s got a powerful weapon! That’s Bond!
Don: Fits for Scaramanga too
Harry: An assassin that’s second to none. Love is required. No one can match him. Sounds like Bond to me!
Don: Well, it fits them both anyway, does it really matter?
***********
( A couple of weeks later in the screening room)
Cubby: Looking forward to seeing how your score makes the film sound, John. Did I tell you that from now on we’re gonna have a major stunt in each movie which will be the selling point of the movie to audiences, this time it’s the car leap from the bridge.
Barry: Umm...yes, I’ve used an instrument I’ve never used before on a movie
(Cubby claps his hands together) Cubby: Whoa, sounds good, not forgetting this stunt cost a fortune to set up, computers working out the logistics, stunt driver etc etc. What you use John?
Barry: Errrr...a slide whistle....
*************
1975: (Harry has sold his stake in the Bond films to United Artists)
Cubby: I guess that’s it then, Harry, where did it all go wrong?
Harry: Not sure, Cubby, but it’s been good hasn’t it?
Cubby: Sure has, kid, things will never be the same though, what you gonna do with your fortune?
Harry: Well, you know, you always liked the lighter side of Bond, I preferred the FRWL side, like with Harry Palmer. I want to make a movie about Nijinsky.
Cubby: C’mon Harry, no one will want to see a movie about a horse!
Harry: No, not the horse, the dancer!
Cubby: Still won’t sell, Harry, why not buy a delicatessen and run it your way, you’re always sending food back in restaurants, even Roger says that when dining with you everyone has to hold onto their plates!
(Harry grins widely) Yeah, I could have one made in stainless steel!
Mendes: Oh, come on Christoph!
Waltz: No!
Mendes: It's not that bad, surely.
Waltz: No! Nein! No way!
Mendes: Really, it'll all be over in a second, you'll hardly notice.
Waltz: Sam, you and I have many awards, Oscars on our shelves, this would be an insult to them. We will be laughing stocks!
Mendes: But I promise, you'll see it all come together later, it'll all make sense once you have the big picture.
Craig: Just do it, Christoph, I had a lot worse in "Quantum Of Solace".
Waltz: Now that I can believe- but still no, unless....
Mendes: Yes? Unless...?
Waltz: Sam, you remember what I was saying just before we started shooting? You know, about the wardrobe....
Mendes: Oh, no, you have got to be kidding!
Waltz: Have I? Well, that's actors for you- they always know which buttons to press.
Mendes: Christoph, no, really....
Waltz: Dum-de-dum.... (Whistles casually.)
Mendes: (Reluctantly.) Ok, you win- you can play the part with no socks.
Waltz: And I will say the line you want me to say.
Mendes: Right, then- action!
Waltz:
1966. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)
Publisher: Ah, come in Ian. Fancy a drink?
Fleming: But of course- I believe you know the recipe by now.
Publisher: Oh, yes. Now, what have we got this year?
Fleming: I thought I’d do another collection of short stories.
Publisher: You mean like “For Your Eyes Only”?
Fleming: That’s right, but only four of them this time.
Publisher: I hope you’ve thought up better titles this time!
Fleming: Well, you can be the judge. First, I’ve got a story about Bond covering a spy’s escape at the Berlin Wall. Bond has to shoot the assassin who’s going to shoot the spy. He spots a beautiful blonde girl with a cello who’s doing a concert there.
Publisher: I don’t suppose this has anything to do with the fact that your sister plays the cello?
Fleming: Just a coincidence- though in fact, I give my sister a brief mention in the story.
Publisher: Nice one!
Fleming: Bond has some friction with the local man, Sender.
Publisher: Saunders?
Fleming: No, Sender. No good reason to change it to Saunders. It turns out that the assassin is really the blonde girl.
Publisher: Great idea! Does the spy turn out to be a double agent, who gets stolen from the British and then the blonde is his girlfriend but Bond steals her away from him and-
Fleming: No, no, I just stop the story after Bond finds out that she’s the assassin.
Publisher: (Disappointed.) Oh. Well, what do you call it? “Berlin Escape”, perhaps?
Fleming: No, not that.
Publisher: “Trigger Finger” would be a good title.
Fleming: No, I’m calling it “The Living Daylights”.
Publisher: Huh?
Fleming: Bond scares the living daylights out of her, you see.
Publisher: Ah, ok. What’s next?
Fleming: A story about a Fabergé egg being sold at Sotheby’s, and Bond has to identify who’s buying it. It’s called “The Property Of a Lady”.
Publisher: Good, I like that one. I’m sure the film guys will love using that as a title first chance they get.
Fleming: Do you think so?
Publisher: Yes, of course. What, do you think they’ll just make up their own titles using “die” in as many ways as they can?
Fleming: Next is one called “007 In New York”.
Publisher: Hmm, not so sure about that one- what happens in it?
Fleming: Well, there’s a recipe for scrambled eggs and Bond goes to a zoo.
Publisher: Ian…
Fleming: They are really good scrambled eggs. Next, is the title story- “Octopussy”!
Publisher: Say what?
Fleming; "Octopussy". It’s about-
Publisher: No, I can’t concentrate. I’m thinking about how I’m going to get that past the censors.
Fleming: I see.
Publisher: You know, I think we’d probably be best releasing these stories in small doses- two here, one there. We won’t collect them all in one volume for, oh, thirty or forty years.
Fleming: Whatever you think is best.
Publisher: I think I need one of your drinks now. Three measures of Gordons, one of vodka….
Cubby: I hope this is worth it, Ken, you’ve spent a lot of our money on this.
Ken: It will be, Cubby, you are going to love it.
Harry: Well, it’s certainly big enough. That’s a huge curtain you’ve got covering it.
Ken: Yes, I wanted to keep it a surprise for you.
Lewis: I’m keen to see what we’ll be shooting in.
Roald: Me too, it’s been a long wait.
Cubby: Ken has done a good job keeping it secret. He’s also done a good job spending a hell of a lot of money.
Ken: Relax, Cubby, have I ever let you down?
Cubby: Well, I loved the Fort Knox you built.
Harry: And Dr No’s control room.
Lewis: (Impatient.) Let’s see it, Ken!
(Ken grabs a rope and pulls. The huge curtain falls down, revealing the volcano set.)
Ken: There you are, gentlemen. The result of many months of work!
Cubby: (Astonished.) It’s wonderful! There’s a full-size space rocket!
Lewis: (Shocked.) And a monorail! Superb!
Roald: (Stunned.) It’s huge! Fantastic!
Ken: Harry?
Cubby: Harry?
Roald: Harry?
Lewis: Harry?
Harry: ....nah, I don’t like it.
Keep them going guys.
Seems that Barbel has had those prepared in his head for decades and now that he can put them out, he seems to be 20 years younger and ... less grumpy than before
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
And you'll find out how grumpy I am tonight when we watch Austin 2!