A very old man with a flowing beard sits at an imposing desk, writing in an ancient ledger. A younger man, also with a beard, is sitting on a comfy-looking cloud, chatting to his older companion.
Younger man: 2020, what a year. And now this.
The old man pauses his writing and puts down his pen. He looks at his companion, and they both turn to see a handsome young man approaching, tall and dark, and like a shark - but, this time, not looking for trouble. Both men pause expectantly, in awe at the aura of light around this new arrival. He ambles up, one hand in the pocket of his immaculately-tailored suit, the other swinging to an almost military beat. The older man gets up from his grand desk and holds out his hand in greeting. As the new arrival approaches, the old man opens his mouth to utter a welcome, but stops before he can speak.
The new arrival: No, don't tell me - Saint Peter?
-{
"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,749Chief of Staff
A very old man with a flowing beard sits at an imposing desk, writing in an ancient ledger. A younger man, also with a beard, is sitting on a comfy-looking cloud, chatting to his older companion.
Younger man: 2020, what a year. And now this.
The old man pauses his writing and puts down his pen. He looks at his companion, and they both turn to see a handsome young man approaching, tall and dark, and like a shark - but, this time, not looking for trouble. Both men pause expectantly, in awe at the aura of light around this new arrival. He ambles up, one hand in the pocket of his immaculately-tailored suit, the other swinging to an almost military beat. The older man gets up from his grand desk and holds out his hand in greeting. As the new arrival approaches, the old man opens his mouth to utter a welcome, but stops before he can speak.
1962.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Breezily.) Ah, I think you guysh have got hold of the wrong end of the shtick. The character’sh name ish Bond, my name ish Connery.
1963.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (A bit less breezily.) You keep getting it wrong. My name is Connery, C-O-double N-E-R-Y, got it?
1964.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Takes a deep breath.) I am not Jamesh Bond, I am the actor who playsh Jamesh Bond. Now if you don’t get my name right I will not anshwer any queshtionsh.
1965:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Mentally hits reporter with a perfect right hook, sending him crashing through the window and taking two others with him for good measure.) Lishten you-
Cubby: Easy there, Sean.
1967:
Reporter: Bond-san! Bond-san!
Sean: Oh for fuc-
Cubby: Listen, guys, will you let him get off the plane first, please?
1969:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
George: (Looking around nervously.) What? Nobody told me Sean Connery was going to be here!
1971: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Sighs deeply.) Oh, I’d forgotten about all thish.
1973:
Reporter: Mr Connery! Mr Connery!
Roger: But of course I am, dear sir, what can I do for you?
1962.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Breezily.) Ah, I think you guysh have got hold of the wrong end of the shtick. The character’sh name ish Bond, my name ish Connery.
...
1973.
Reporter: Mr Connery! Mr Connery!
Roger: But of course I am, dear sir, what can I do for you?
Now pay attention, class. Some of you were given homework to do recently-
("Oh no we weren't!")
Oh yes you were, and it's getting near marking time. One pupil has already handed their work in, and very good it was too, so I'd like to ask the rest to get to work. Any problems, see me behind the PM shed.
From Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous and myself-
1977. (The Royal Premiere of “The Spy Who Loved Me”.)
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Good Lord, Liz, have we got to go to every one of these bloody James Bond films?
The Queen: That we do, Philip. They bring in much foreign money and we must be seen to support that.
The Duke: I wouldn't be surprised if they asked you to put on a bloody parachute yourself for one of these things.
The Queen: Now, don't be silly Philip.
The Duke: Oh well, I suppose you’re right. Anyway, I did enjoy the last one. In Thailand, wasn’t it?
The Queen: Well, partly.
The Duke: I’m surprised that Bond didn’t come across some of those ladyboys- you now, they look like women but really they've got .....
The Queen: Balls, Philip. Look, we're passing the Ritz. Remember those wonderful nights of dancing?
The Duke: More than that, they've still got their....
The Queen: Willi ,um, Willi Bogner, I wonder if he did the skiing? I'll look at the brochure.
The Duke: Edward must have read that, I heard him talking about some Willi action earlier.
The Queen: Yes, one is aware.
The Duke: Now don’t go fawning all over that Roger Moore chap, I know how you like him.
The Queen: One would never do such a thing. Now, remember to be nice to everyone, and that reminds me- Edward wants to work in the theatre, perhaps a kind word might help, so be nice!
The Duke: Me? When am I ever anything but nice?.... especially to these weak wristed effeminate movie types!
(At the theatre.)
Cubby: Right, here they come now. Positions, everyone! (The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening. How nice to see you again, Mr Cabbage.
Cubby: ...er.. yes. May I introduce you to our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Moore. (Blushing slightly.)
Roger: (Bowing gracefully.) Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Queen: I've brought some cream buns from the Palace. May I give you one?
Roger: (Raising an eyebrow.) Really your majesty, the Duke is just here.
The Queen: Oh Roger, here have this one.
Roger: Why ma'am, you've given me the horn.
The Queen: Oh Roger, you are awful. (Lightly slaps his shoulder.)
Roger: I'm impressed- and I haven't said that since the last Bond film in Thailand, when Cubby took me to a club where a Thai lady was doing something impressive with ping pong balls.
The Queen: Philip, come and talk to Mr Moore. (The Duke is laughing with Cubby, who's showing him a couple of ping pong balls which he quickly puts back in to his jacket pocket.)
The Duke: Darling, for next years Royal Tour, could we do Thailand? I've been talking with Mr Cauliflower and apparently there are several impressive sights to be seen?
The Queen: So I've been told!
The Duke: You’ve done a few of these by now, eh, Moore?
Roger: Why, yes, sir.
The Queen: I think a knighthood might be in order for you soon.
Roger: (Stunned.) Ah, if you say so, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Don’t hold your breath. Another twenty years, I’d say.
Cubby: Next is our beautiful leading lady, Miss Barbara Bach.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Bach. Are you of German extraction?
Barbara: No, Your Majesty, it's a stage name. My young personal trainer Arnold was going to use it- I remember him saying "I'll be Bach"- but he let me have it.
The Duke: You don’t look Japanese. How is John doing these days?
Barbara: Er?
The Duke: I thought John married some Oriental bint?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some ASIAN bint?
The Queen: (Louder.) PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some empowered modern bint... That's bound to be politically correct, isn't it?
Barbara: Er, I’m with Ringo Starr, Your Highness, not John Lennon.
The Duke: Oh, I should have known better.
The Queen: Let it be, Philip. (I can go on all day with Beatle puns- Barbel.)
Cubby: One of our villains, Mr Richard Kiel.
The Queen: (Staring at Richard’s belt buckle.) Ah, good evening Mr Kiel.
Richard: (Looking down.) Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: (Looking at Richard’s tie.) Good God, you’re fuc-
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Er, you’re bloody huge! And who do you play?
Richard: I play Jaws.
The Duke: DER-dum…. DER-dum….. dum-dum-dum-dum-DER-dum-dum-dum…
The Queen: Not that Jaws, Philip. (Pauses.) Do you have a big part?
Philip: Liz!
The Queen: (Flustered.) I mean, a large speaking part?
Richard: No ma’am – no lines at all…
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip was like that.
Richard: ….but I look menacing and smash up a few cars.
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip wasn’t like that…
Cubby: Singing the title song is Miss Carly Simon.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Simon.
Carly: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Ah, you’re the one who wrote that song about Mick Jagger, aren’t you?
Carly: No, that isn’t right.
The Duke: Warren Beatty then?
Carly: I won’t be discussing that, sir.
Cubby: This is Willi Bogner, in charge of the skiing.
The Queen: Ach, guten Abend, Herr Bogner.
Willi: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn't speak German every chance you get.
The Queen: The Duke and I were just talking about you on the way here, is that not so Philip?
The Duke: Well, you may have been- I had something else in mind.
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
A short extract from Good Mouse Keeping Magazine in 2016
Reporter: Why not start with a brief outline of your involvement with the Bond series, Mickey?
Mickey: Oh Lord, that's going to cover a few years. It was way back in 1963 my great grandfather and a few of his mates were hired to do a sequence with Sean and Daniela, in a tunnel.
Reporter: Had they any experience of showbiz before?
Mickey: Oh yes, they'd been in many films, of course being white mice helped, They were very different times, for the Bond they had to be covered in coffee to look more like wild rats! Unbelievable to us these days as the part would automatically go to a wild rat.
Reporter: Interesting they were dyed in coffee etc. How did they like that?
Mickey: Oh fine, as they just licked each other.
Reporter: They enjoyed the taste?
Mickey: No, they were all massive swingers back then.
Reporter: Obviously they made an impression on the producers, as your grandfather was asked back after a 69.
Mickey: I think you mean he was asked back after OHMSS in 1969.
Reporter: His part was larger in Diamonds.
Mickey: Yes, but he was doing a lot of steroids back then....... but on reading the script he loved it. It was his suggestion to use the line about a "tart's handkerchief" as the original line had Sir Sean saying something about a "showgirls er,.... un-mentionables".
Reporter: Pants!
Mickey: Absolutely, terrible line.
Reporter: Then came your big break, the call from Daniel.
Mickey: Yes, I worked with him before in The Golden Compass.
Reporter: I thought all the animals were CGI in that movie.
Mickey: Oh no, only some ............. and a few of the actors too. He asked if I'd like to do a short scene in SPECTRE.
Reporter: Although, I thought it was a mouse in SPECTRE?
Mickey: Yes, it was a challenge, I lost a lot of weight to play a mouse, really had to use the "Method" there, and of course there was the usual media outrage that a mouse hadn't been offered the role.
Reporter: It was an amusing scene.
Mickey: Well it was to have been more dramatic, but both Daniel and I thought, after a few drinks, that a more comic touch was needed. Indeed, when he asks "Who do you work for?" I blurted out "Kevin McClory" ...... but they cut it.
.................
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Another one of these bloody James Bond films! I don’t know why-
The Queen: Of course you know. They’re one of the few British products that sell abroad, particularly to the Americans. We have to be seen to support them.
The Duke: I know, Liz, I know, but couldn’t we just send Charles and Diana?
The Queen: Look, Philip, I’ll make you a deal- we do this one and they can do the next one. All right?
The Duke: …. Damn it, you’ve got me there. All right, I accept.
Cubby: Places, everyone, here they come. Michael, have you got the box of chocolates for Her Majesty when she arrives?
MGW: Right here, Cubby.
Cubby: And Barbara, you have the flowers ready?
BB: Yes, Dad, all set.
Cubby: And John, for the Duke?
John Glen: Yes, Cubby, two colouring-in books and this months Playboy, just like you said.
(The Royal limousine arrives and the Queen and the Duke emerge.)
The Queen: Good evening to you, Mr Broccoli.
The Duke: Hello there, Chubby.
Cubby: (Gritting his teeth.) Welcome to our premiere. May I present our James Bond, Roger Moore?
The Queen: Hello again, Mr Moore.
Roger: A pleasure as ever, ma’am.
The Queen: My goodness, you have been James Bond for a long time now, haven’t you?
Roger: Twelve years, ten months, and twelve days, Your Majesty.
The Duke: You sound like a man counting down the days till his retirement!
Roger: Well, it’s funny you should say that. In fact-
Cubby: (Quickly.) Our leading lady, Miss Tanya Roberts.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Roberts.
Tanya: Hiya, Queen. (Cubby grits his teeth again. Michael and Barbara roll their eyes.)
The Duke: Oh yes, you were one of Charlie’s Angels, weren’t you?
The Queen: Philip, I’ve told you not to talk about that!
The Duke: It’s a TV show, Liz!
Cubby: Our villain, Mr Christopher Walken.
The Queen: Ah yes, good evening, Mr Walken.
Christopher: …..Good… (Long pause, then quickly.)… evening, Your Majesty!
The Queen: I believe you won an Oscar for your performance in The Deer Hunter, didn’t you?
Christopher: Yes, that is…. (Even longer pause. The Duke and Cubby both begin to speak then-)
Christopher: ...correct, Your Majesty.
Cubby: Next is Miss Grace Jones. (Six very large and heavily armed men appear from nowhere and surround the Queen.)
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Jones.
Grace: Good evening, ma’am. Why all the security?
The Duke: They’ve seen The Russell Harty Show.
Cubby: I believe you might know Mr Patrick Macnee?
The Queen: Of course, I am pleased to meet you again Mr Macnee.
Patrick: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed your show The Avengers.
Patrick: Very glad to hear that, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Which one were you? Iron Man? (Cubby’s teeth begin to hurt.)
Patrick: ...er…
Cubby: I believe you know our composer, Mr John Barry?
The Queen: Of course. Four Oscars, I think?
John: Five, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And no doubt more to come. Including this one?
John: (Casts a sidelong glance at Duran Duran.) Perhaps not this time, ma’am. (MGW whispers in Cubby’s ear.)
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Perhaps you’re right….
Excellent as ever - I feel like I got a Christmas Pantomime today too. Thanks
While the queen and the duke are a well known and welcome double act, this imaginary conversation made me wanto see Charles and Diana too, perhaps we can find out what really happened when they visited the set of TLD?
While the queen and the duke are a well known and welcome double act, this imaginary conversation made me want to see Charles and Diana too, perhaps we can find out what really happened when they visited the set of TLD?
Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous and I are at your command....
1987. Eon HQ, on top of a Ferris wheel in Vienna.
Cubby: Team, with us launching a new James Bond in this movie we have to squeeze out every ounce of publicity we can. Any ideas?
John Glen: Well, we could have him arrive via an inflatable boat down the River Thames, with a bright orange lifejacket on.
Cubby: Dumb idea, don’t like it.
MGW: How about he goes skydiving with the Queen from a helicopter?
Cubby: Come on, people, let’s get serious here.
BB: We could invite Prince Charles and Princess Diana to visit our set? Guaranteed coverage in all the newspapers and magazines, and it would go viral on social media if that had been invented yet, this being 1987.
Cubby: I like it!
Inside a Range Rover on its way to Pinewood Studios.
Diana: We’ll see behind the scenes of a James Bond film! I’m so excited!
Charles: One will put up with it, one supposes.
Diana: Come on, Charles, a womanising, ex-Naval officer who drives an Aston Martin, remind you of anyone?
Charles: Daddy?
Diana: (Rolls her eyes.) Hey, watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.)
Charles: What did you say?
Diana: Never mind. I wish you’d drive more carefully, Charles.
Charles: Well, one’s father did offer to drive us there.
Diana: In that case, you’re doing a wonderful job. By the way, what was he looking at in that car magazine?
Charles: Said he had his eye on a white Fiat Uno.
Outside the 007 stage.
MGW: Here they come now, Cubby.
Cubby: Right, everyone get ready. Is the Aston Martin safely hidden away in case he wants to drive it?
BB: It’s out of sight, Dad.
Cubby: Good. (The car draws up and the Royal couple emerge.)
Cubby: Welcome, your Royal Highnesses. Please alight from your four wheel drive carriage. (They emerge with one bodyguard.)
Diana: There were always three in our carriage.
Cubby: Please meet our new James Bond, Mr Timothy Dalton.
Charles: Good afternoon, Mr Dalton.
Tim: And to you, sir.
Diana: You look familiar, what films might I have seen you in?
Tim: Well, I was in Flash Gordon.
Diana: Aha!
MGW: Actually, they’re singing the title song.
Diana: What, Queen are doing the title song?
John Barry: (Aside.) I wish…
MGW: No, a-ha are doing the title song. (John Barry walks off, muttering.)
Charles: Flash Gordon, I thought he was dead.
Brian Blessed: Flash Gordon’s ALIVE!!!!
Cubby: Security, please ask Mr Blessed to leave the set.
Charles: (Pointing to a tall, statuesque woman in a boiler suit.) She looks familiar – who is she?
Cubby: That’s Julie Wallace.
Charles: What might one have seen her in?
Cubby: “The Life and Loves of a She-Devil”, Your Highness.
Charles: Ah yes, I’m very familiar with those…
Charles: Who are those two chaps over there?
Cubby: Those are two of our stuntmen, your Highness. They’re rehearsing for our pre-credit sequence.
Charles: Looks like fun! What have you got planned?
Cubby: They’re practicing diving from a plane.
Diana: Charles, perhaps you’d like to try that too? I’d be happy to pack your parachute.
Charles: So thoughtful, Diana. (He points to one of the stuntmen.) That one’s terrific. What’s his name?
Cubby: Umm, it’s ‘BJ’ your Highness. BJ Worth.
Charles: What's a BJ worth?
Diana: Why don't you ask Camilla!
John Glen: Now here we have our special bottles made of what we call “sugar glass”. It’ll look realistic onscreen if smashed but won’t cause any harm.
Diana: Oooh, can I try?
John: You certainly can, ma’am. (Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head.)
Charles: Hey!
John: Sorry ma’am, you appear to have used a real one by mistake.
Diana: Oh? What a silly girlish mistake.
John: Here, try this one. (Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head again.)
Diana: Can I have about three dozen of those, please?
John: Of course, three dozen fake bottles...
Diana: (Aside.) And if a few real ones get mixed in, I wouldn't mind.
Ian Fleming: Ah, hello there Sean.
Sean: Pleashed to shee you, Ian. Like the shet?
Ian: Definitely, Ken Adam has done a wonderful job. How have you been? Haven’t seen you since “From Russia With Love”.
Sean: Oh, fine, fine. I did a movie for Alfred Hitchcock, that wash a very intereshting experience.
Ian: Yes, I heard about that.
Sean: Thish ish coming along very nicely. I’m very impreshed with Guy Hamilton.
Ian: Hamilton? Oh yes, the director. Yes, I’ve heard good things about him.
Sean: I wash very happy with Terence, though.
Ian: Well, I'm afraid he had to go- he asked Cubby and Harry for a percentage of the profits and that just wasn’t going to happen.
Sean: (Rubs chin thoughtfully.) A percentage…? Hmmm….
Ian: Yes, he said if he didn’t get a percentage he wouldn’t carry on.
Sean: Wouldn’t carry on without a percentage? You don’t shay….
Ian: (Producing a hip flask.) Care for a little…?
Sean: Besht not, I’m working.
Ian: Well, bottoms up! (Drinks.)
Sean: You might want to be careful with that shtuff, Ian. It’ll kill you.
Ian: (Smiles wistfully.) Yes, I know. (Sean shakes his head.)
Ian: And who’s that fellow there, in the overcoat?
Sean: Gert Frobe- he’sh playing Goldfinger.
Ian: I’d best go over and say hello.
(Fleming walks over.)
Ian: Guten Tag, Herr Frobe.
Gert: (Surprised but pleased to be addressed in his native language.) Oh, guten Tag, Herr…?
Ian: Mein Name ist Fleming. (Lights cigarette.) Ian Fleming.
Gert: Ach, so! Der Autor! Ihre Geschichte ist sehr gut, Herr Fleming.
Ian: Danke, danke.
Gert: Ich fand Bonds Frage,“Do you expect me to talk?”, und meine Antwort,“No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die!”, sehr gut!
Ian: Ach, aber in meinem Buch schrieb ich: Bond “Then you can go an f*** yourself”,und Goldfinger antwortet “Even I am not capable of that, Mr Bond”!
Gert: Das ist wahr?
Ian: Ja, wirklich.
Gert: (Laughing.) Ich glaube das ist viel besser, nicht wahr?
Ian: Ja, aber der Zensor hat es nicht erlaubt. (They laugh together.)
Gert: Ihr deutsch ist nicht schlecht.
Ian: Ach, es ist nicht für Sie- es ist für einen Mann mit grünen Schuhen, ich hoffe er liest es.
(Guy Hamilton walks over.)
Guy: Mr Fleming? I’m Guy Hamilton, the director.
Ian: Hello there, how are things coming on?
Guy: Well, James Bond is about to fight Oddjob inside Fort Knox while Goldfinger makes a run for it. Oddjob will be electrocuted.
Ian: Shocking. Positively shocking.
Guy: Yes, I think that- what did you say?
Ian: I said “Shocking. Positively shocking”. (Guy quickly writes in his notebook.)
Ian: Are you going to use that there?
Guy: No, but I know exactly where it’s going to go! (A thin young man approaches, seeking a word with Guy.)
Guy: Ah, John, say hello to Ian Fleming. Ian, this is our composer, John Barry.
Ian: Pleased to meet you.
John: And you too. Although, I do have to tell you, do you know how long it took me to get a song out of that title? I mean, “Goldfinger”??? I was battering away on my piano all night, kept my lodger Michael Caine awake. And there’s not a lot of people know that.
Ian: Well, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time with the next one.
John: (Warily.) ….I’m scared to ask.
Ian: It’s called “Thunderball”. (John groans and walks away, shaking his head.)
(Big thanks to Bride of Barbel (perhaps I should say "Braut der Barbel" ) for correcting my poor German spelling.)
Comments
A very old man with a flowing beard sits at an imposing desk, writing in an ancient ledger. A younger man, also with a beard, is sitting on a comfy-looking cloud, chatting to his older companion.
Younger man: 2020, what a year. And now this.
The old man pauses his writing and puts down his pen. He looks at his companion, and they both turn to see a handsome young man approaching, tall and dark, and like a shark - but, this time, not looking for trouble. Both men pause expectantly, in awe at the aura of light around this new arrival. He ambles up, one hand in the pocket of his immaculately-tailored suit, the other swinging to an almost military beat. The older man gets up from his grand desk and holds out his hand in greeting. As the new arrival approaches, the old man opens his mouth to utter a welcome, but stops before he can speak.
The new arrival: No, don't tell me - Saint Peter?
-{
Poignant and fitting -{
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Breezily.) Ah, I think you guysh have got hold of the wrong end of the shtick. The character’sh name ish Bond, my name ish Connery.
1963.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (A bit less breezily.) You keep getting it wrong. My name is Connery, C-O-double N-E-R-Y, got it?
1964.
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Takes a deep breath.) I am not Jamesh Bond, I am the actor who playsh Jamesh Bond. Now if you don’t get my name right I will not anshwer any queshtionsh.
1965:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Mentally hits reporter with a perfect right hook, sending him crashing through the window and taking two others with him for good measure.) Lishten you-
Cubby: Easy there, Sean.
1967:
Reporter: Bond-san! Bond-san!
Sean: Oh for fuc-
Cubby: Listen, guys, will you let him get off the plane first, please?
1969:
Reporter: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
George: (Looking around nervously.) What? Nobody told me Sean Connery was going to be here!
1971: Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean: (Sighs deeply.) Oh, I’d forgotten about all thish.
1973:
Reporter: Mr Connery! Mr Connery!
Roger: But of course I am, dear sir, what can I do for you?
1983:
Small-Fawcett (shouting across the harbour): Mr Bond! Mr Bond!
Sean (under his breath): Never again...
("Oh no we weren't!")
Oh yes you were, and it's getting near marking time. One pupil has already handed their work in, and very good it was too, so I'd like to ask the rest to get to work. Any problems, see me behind the PM shed.
1977. (The Royal Premiere of “The Spy Who Loved Me”.)
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Good Lord, Liz, have we got to go to every one of these bloody James Bond films?
The Queen: That we do, Philip. They bring in much foreign money and we must be seen to support that.
The Duke: I wouldn't be surprised if they asked you to put on a bloody parachute yourself for one of these things.
The Queen: Now, don't be silly Philip.
The Duke: Oh well, I suppose you’re right. Anyway, I did enjoy the last one. In Thailand, wasn’t it?
The Queen: Well, partly.
The Duke: I’m surprised that Bond didn’t come across some of those ladyboys- you now, they look like women but really they've got .....
The Queen: Balls, Philip. Look, we're passing the Ritz. Remember those wonderful nights of dancing?
The Duke: More than that, they've still got their....
The Queen: Willi ,um, Willi Bogner, I wonder if he did the skiing? I'll look at the brochure.
The Duke: Edward must have read that, I heard him talking about some Willi action earlier.
The Queen: Yes, one is aware.
The Duke: Now don’t go fawning all over that Roger Moore chap, I know how you like him.
The Queen: One would never do such a thing. Now, remember to be nice to everyone, and that reminds me- Edward wants to work in the theatre, perhaps a kind word might help, so be nice!
The Duke: Me? When am I ever anything but nice?.... especially to these weak wristed effeminate movie types!
(At the theatre.)
Cubby: Right, here they come now. Positions, everyone!
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening. How nice to see you again, Mr Cabbage.
Cubby: ...er.. yes. May I introduce you to our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Moore. (Blushing slightly.)
Roger: (Bowing gracefully.) Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Queen: I've brought some cream buns from the Palace. May I give you one?
Roger: (Raising an eyebrow.) Really your majesty, the Duke is just here.
The Queen: Oh Roger, here have this one.
Roger: Why ma'am, you've given me the horn.
The Queen: Oh Roger, you are awful. (Lightly slaps his shoulder.)
Roger: I'm impressed- and I haven't said that since the last Bond film in Thailand, when Cubby took me to a club where a Thai lady was doing something impressive with ping pong balls.
The Queen: Philip, come and talk to Mr Moore.
(The Duke is laughing with Cubby, who's showing him a couple of ping pong balls which he quickly puts back in to his jacket pocket.)
The Duke: Darling, for next years Royal Tour, could we do Thailand? I've been talking with Mr Cauliflower and apparently there are several impressive sights to be seen?
The Queen: So I've been told!
The Duke: You’ve done a few of these by now, eh, Moore?
Roger: Why, yes, sir.
The Queen: I think a knighthood might be in order for you soon.
Roger: (Stunned.) Ah, if you say so, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Don’t hold your breath. Another twenty years, I’d say.
Cubby: Next is our beautiful leading lady, Miss Barbara Bach.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Bach. Are you of German extraction?
Barbara: No, Your Majesty, it's a stage name. My young personal trainer Arnold was going to use it- I remember him saying "I'll be Bach"- but he let me have it.
The Duke: You don’t look Japanese. How is John doing these days?
Barbara: Er?
The Duke: I thought John married some Oriental bint?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some ASIAN bint?
The Queen: (Louder.) PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Sorry, some empowered modern bint... That's bound to be politically correct, isn't it?
Barbara: Er, I’m with Ringo Starr, Your Highness, not John Lennon.
The Duke: Oh, I should have known better.
The Queen: Let it be, Philip.
(I can go on all day with Beatle puns- Barbel.)
Cubby: One of our villains, Mr Richard Kiel.
The Queen: (Staring at Richard’s belt buckle.) Ah, good evening Mr Kiel.
Richard: (Looking down.) Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: (Looking at Richard’s tie.) Good God, you’re fuc-
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Er, you’re bloody huge! And who do you play?
Richard: I play Jaws.
The Duke: DER-dum…. DER-dum….. dum-dum-dum-dum-DER-dum-dum-dum…
The Queen: Not that Jaws, Philip. (Pauses.) Do you have a big part?
Philip: Liz!
The Queen: (Flustered.) I mean, a large speaking part?
Richard: No ma’am – no lines at all…
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip was like that.
Richard: ….but I look menacing and smash up a few cars.
The Queen: (Under her breath.) I wish Philip wasn’t like that…
Cubby: Singing the title song is Miss Carly Simon.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Simon.
Carly: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Ah, you’re the one who wrote that song about Mick Jagger, aren’t you?
Carly: No, that isn’t right.
The Duke: Warren Beatty then?
Carly: I won’t be discussing that, sir.
Cubby: This is Willi Bogner, in charge of the skiing.
The Queen: Ach, guten Abend, Herr Bogner.
Willi: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn't speak German every chance you get.
The Queen: The Duke and I were just talking about you on the way here, is that not so Philip?
The Duke: Well, you may have been- I had something else in mind.
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Reporter: Why not start with a brief outline of your involvement with the Bond series, Mickey?
Mickey: Oh Lord, that's going to cover a few years. It was way back in 1963 my great grandfather and a few of his mates were hired to do a sequence with Sean and Daniela, in a tunnel.
Reporter: Had they any experience of showbiz before?
Mickey: Oh yes, they'd been in many films, of course being white mice helped, They were very different times, for the Bond they had to be covered in coffee to look more like wild rats! Unbelievable to us these days as the part would automatically go to a wild rat.
Reporter: Interesting they were dyed in coffee etc. How did they like that?
Mickey: Oh fine, as they just licked each other.
Reporter: They enjoyed the taste?
Mickey: No, they were all massive swingers back then.
Reporter: Obviously they made an impression on the producers, as your grandfather was asked back after a 69.
Mickey: I think you mean he was asked back after OHMSS in 1969.
Reporter: His part was larger in Diamonds.
Mickey: Yes, but he was doing a lot of steroids back then....... but on reading the script he loved it. It was his suggestion to use the line about a "tart's handkerchief" as the original line had Sir Sean saying something about a "showgirls er,.... un-mentionables".
Reporter: Pants!
Mickey: Absolutely, terrible line.
Reporter: Then came your big break, the call from Daniel.
Mickey: Yes, I worked with him before in The Golden Compass.
Reporter: I thought all the animals were CGI in that movie.
Mickey: Oh no, only some ............. and a few of the actors too. He asked if I'd like to do a short scene in SPECTRE.
Reporter: Although, I thought it was a mouse in SPECTRE?
Mickey: Yes, it was a challenge, I lost a lot of weight to play a mouse, really had to use the "Method" there, and of course there was the usual media outrage that a mouse hadn't been offered the role.
Reporter: It was an amusing scene.
Mickey: Well it was to have been more dramatic, but both Daniel and I thought, after a few drinks, that a more comic touch was needed. Indeed, when he asks "Who do you work for?" I blurted out "Kevin McClory" ...... but they cut it.
.................
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Another one of these bloody James Bond films! I don’t know why-
The Queen: Of course you know. They’re one of the few British products that sell abroad, particularly to the Americans. We have to be seen to support them.
The Duke: I know, Liz, I know, but couldn’t we just send Charles and Diana?
The Queen: Look, Philip, I’ll make you a deal- we do this one and they can do the next one. All right?
The Duke: …. Damn it, you’ve got me there. All right, I accept.
Cubby: Places, everyone, here they come. Michael, have you got the box of chocolates for Her Majesty when she arrives?
MGW: Right here, Cubby.
Cubby: And Barbara, you have the flowers ready?
BB: Yes, Dad, all set.
Cubby: And John, for the Duke?
John Glen: Yes, Cubby, two colouring-in books and this months Playboy, just like you said.
(The Royal limousine arrives and the Queen and the Duke emerge.)
The Queen: Good evening to you, Mr Broccoli.
The Duke: Hello there, Chubby.
Cubby: (Gritting his teeth.) Welcome to our premiere. May I present our James Bond, Roger Moore?
The Queen: Hello again, Mr Moore.
Roger: A pleasure as ever, ma’am.
The Queen: My goodness, you have been James Bond for a long time now, haven’t you?
Roger: Twelve years, ten months, and twelve days, Your Majesty.
The Duke: You sound like a man counting down the days till his retirement!
Roger: Well, it’s funny you should say that. In fact-
Cubby: (Quickly.) Our leading lady, Miss Tanya Roberts.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Roberts.
Tanya: Hiya, Queen.
(Cubby grits his teeth again. Michael and Barbara roll their eyes.)
The Duke: Oh yes, you were one of Charlie’s Angels, weren’t you?
The Queen: Philip, I’ve told you not to talk about that!
The Duke: It’s a TV show, Liz!
Cubby: Our villain, Mr Christopher Walken.
The Queen: Ah yes, good evening, Mr Walken.
Christopher: …..Good… (Long pause, then quickly.)… evening, Your Majesty!
The Queen: I believe you won an Oscar for your performance in The Deer Hunter, didn’t you?
Christopher: Yes, that is….
(Even longer pause. The Duke and Cubby both begin to speak then-)
Christopher: ...correct, Your Majesty.
Cubby: Next is Miss Grace Jones.
(Six very large and heavily armed men appear from nowhere and surround the Queen.)
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Jones.
Grace: Good evening, ma’am. Why all the security?
The Duke: They’ve seen The Russell Harty Show.
Cubby: I believe you might know Mr Patrick Macnee?
The Queen: Of course, I am pleased to meet you again Mr Macnee.
Patrick: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed your show The Avengers.
Patrick: Very glad to hear that, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Which one were you? Iron Man?
(Cubby’s teeth begin to hurt.)
Patrick: ...er…
Cubby: I believe you know our composer, Mr John Barry?
The Queen: Of course. Four Oscars, I think?
John: Five, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And no doubt more to come. Including this one?
John: (Casts a sidelong glance at Duran Duran.) Perhaps not this time, ma’am.
(MGW whispers in Cubby’s ear.)
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Perhaps you’re right….
While the queen and the duke are a well known and welcome double act, this imaginary conversation made me wanto see Charles and Diana too, perhaps we can find out what really happened when they visited the set of TLD?
Charlie's Angels -
-{ -{ -{
Her Majesty: Excuse me, Mr Walken. I'm... neglecting... the other cast. Enjoy your evening. I'm sure I'll find everyone... fascinating... company...
Walken: You amuse me, Your Majesty. I'm happiest... in... the movie.
Prince Phillip to MGW: Get her AWAY from him!
Damn, Shady, those are good lines and I wish I'd thought of them.
Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous and I are at your command....
1987. Eon HQ, on top of a Ferris wheel in Vienna.
Cubby: Team, with us launching a new James Bond in this movie we have to squeeze out every ounce of publicity we can. Any ideas?
John Glen: Well, we could have him arrive via an inflatable boat down the River Thames, with a bright orange lifejacket on.
Cubby: Dumb idea, don’t like it.
MGW: How about he goes skydiving with the Queen from a helicopter?
Cubby: Come on, people, let’s get serious here.
BB: We could invite Prince Charles and Princess Diana to visit our set? Guaranteed coverage in all the newspapers and magazines, and it would go viral on social media if that had been invented yet, this being 1987.
Cubby: I like it!
Inside a Range Rover on its way to Pinewood Studios.
Diana: We’ll see behind the scenes of a James Bond film! I’m so excited!
Charles: One will put up with it, one supposes.
Diana: Come on, Charles, a womanising, ex-Naval officer who drives an Aston Martin, remind you of anyone?
Charles: Daddy?
Diana: (Rolls her eyes.) Hey, watch out for that man with green trainers!
(Thump.)
Charles: What did you say?
Diana: Never mind. I wish you’d drive more carefully, Charles.
Charles: Well, one’s father did offer to drive us there.
Diana: In that case, you’re doing a wonderful job. By the way, what was he looking at in that car magazine?
Charles: Said he had his eye on a white Fiat Uno.
Outside the 007 stage.
MGW: Here they come now, Cubby.
Cubby: Right, everyone get ready. Is the Aston Martin safely hidden away in case he wants to drive it?
BB: It’s out of sight, Dad.
Cubby: Good.
(The car draws up and the Royal couple emerge.)
Cubby: Welcome, your Royal Highnesses. Please alight from your four wheel drive carriage.
(They emerge with one bodyguard.)
Diana: There were always three in our carriage.
Cubby: Please meet our new James Bond, Mr Timothy Dalton.
Charles: Good afternoon, Mr Dalton.
Tim: And to you, sir.
Diana: You look familiar, what films might I have seen you in?
Tim: Well, I was in Flash Gordon.
Diana: Aha!
MGW: Actually, they’re singing the title song.
Diana: What, Queen are doing the title song?
John Barry: (Aside.) I wish…
MGW: No, a-ha are doing the title song.
(John Barry walks off, muttering.)
Charles: Flash Gordon, I thought he was dead.
Brian Blessed: Flash Gordon’s ALIVE!!!!
Cubby: Security, please ask Mr Blessed to leave the set.
Charles: (Pointing to a tall, statuesque woman in a boiler suit.) She looks familiar – who is she?
Cubby: That’s Julie Wallace.
Charles: What might one have seen her in?
Cubby: “The Life and Loves of a She-Devil”, Your Highness.
Charles: Ah yes, I’m very familiar with those…
Charles: Who are those two chaps over there?
Cubby: Those are two of our stuntmen, your Highness. They’re rehearsing for our pre-credit sequence.
Charles: Looks like fun! What have you got planned?
Cubby: They’re practicing diving from a plane.
Diana: Charles, perhaps you’d like to try that too? I’d be happy to pack your parachute.
Charles: So thoughtful, Diana. (He points to one of the stuntmen.) That one’s terrific. What’s his name?
Cubby: Umm, it’s ‘BJ’ your Highness. BJ Worth.
Charles: What's a BJ worth?
Diana: Why don't you ask Camilla!
John Glen: Now here we have our special bottles made of what we call “sugar glass”. It’ll look realistic onscreen if smashed but won’t cause any harm.
Diana: Oooh, can I try?
John: You certainly can, ma’am.
(Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head.)
Charles: Hey!
John: Sorry ma’am, you appear to have used a real one by mistake.
Diana: Oh? What a silly girlish mistake.
John: Here, try this one.
(Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head again.)
Diana: Can I have about three dozen of those, please?
John: Of course, three dozen fake bottles...
Diana: (Aside.) And if a few real ones get mixed in, I wouldn't mind.
Gordon's ALIVE!!!!
Ian Fleming: Ah, hello there Sean.
Sean: Pleashed to shee you, Ian. Like the shet?
Ian: Definitely, Ken Adam has done a wonderful job. How have you been? Haven’t seen you since “From Russia With Love”.
Sean: Oh, fine, fine. I did a movie for Alfred Hitchcock, that wash a very intereshting experience.
Ian: Yes, I heard about that.
Sean: Thish ish coming along very nicely. I’m very impreshed with Guy Hamilton.
Ian: Hamilton? Oh yes, the director. Yes, I’ve heard good things about him.
Sean: I wash very happy with Terence, though.
Ian: Well, I'm afraid he had to go- he asked Cubby and Harry for a percentage of the profits and that just wasn’t going to happen.
Sean: (Rubs chin thoughtfully.) A percentage…? Hmmm….
Ian: Yes, he said if he didn’t get a percentage he wouldn’t carry on.
Sean: Wouldn’t carry on without a percentage? You don’t shay….
Ian: (Producing a hip flask.) Care for a little…?
Sean: Besht not, I’m working.
Ian: Well, bottoms up! (Drinks.)
Sean: You might want to be careful with that shtuff, Ian. It’ll kill you.
Ian: (Smiles wistfully.) Yes, I know.
(Sean shakes his head.)
Ian: And who’s that fellow there, in the overcoat?
Sean: Gert Frobe- he’sh playing Goldfinger.
Ian: I’d best go over and say hello.
(Fleming walks over.)
Ian: Guten Tag, Herr Frobe.
Gert: (Surprised but pleased to be addressed in his native language.) Oh, guten Tag, Herr…?
Ian: Mein Name ist Fleming. (Lights cigarette.) Ian Fleming.
Gert: Ach, so! Der Autor! Ihre Geschichte ist sehr gut, Herr Fleming.
Ian: Danke, danke.
Gert: Ich fand Bonds Frage,“Do you expect me to talk?”, und meine Antwort,“No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die!”, sehr gut!
Ian: Ach, aber in meinem Buch schrieb ich: Bond “Then you can go an f*** yourself”,und Goldfinger antwortet “Even I am not capable of that, Mr Bond”!
Gert: Das ist wahr?
Ian: Ja, wirklich.
Gert: (Laughing.) Ich glaube das ist viel besser, nicht wahr?
Ian: Ja, aber der Zensor hat es nicht erlaubt.
(They laugh together.)
Gert: Ihr deutsch ist nicht schlecht.
Ian: Ach, es ist nicht für Sie- es ist für einen Mann mit grünen Schuhen, ich hoffe er liest es.
(Guy Hamilton walks over.)
Guy: Mr Fleming? I’m Guy Hamilton, the director.
Ian: Hello there, how are things coming on?
Guy: Well, James Bond is about to fight Oddjob inside Fort Knox while Goldfinger makes a run for it. Oddjob will be electrocuted.
Ian: Shocking. Positively shocking.
Guy: Yes, I think that- what did you say?
Ian: I said “Shocking. Positively shocking”.
(Guy quickly writes in his notebook.)
Ian: Are you going to use that there?
Guy: No, but I know exactly where it’s going to go!
(A thin young man approaches, seeking a word with Guy.)
Guy: Ah, John, say hello to Ian Fleming. Ian, this is our composer, John Barry.
Ian: Pleased to meet you.
John: And you too. Although, I do have to tell you, do you know how long it took me to get a song out of that title? I mean, “Goldfinger”??? I was battering away on my piano all night, kept my lodger Michael Caine awake. And there’s not a lot of people know that.
Ian: Well, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time with the next one.
John: (Warily.) ….I’m scared to ask.
Ian: It’s called “Thunderball”.
(John groans and walks away, shaking his head.)
(Big thanks to Bride of Barbel (perhaps I should say "Braut der Barbel"