Adam: Hey, are we sure this Bond guy will be here? Dropping in, you might say?
Tee Hee: We’re sure. Why else would that Strutter dude be waiting outside?
Adam: Well, it’s boring hanging round. How about a game of cards? (There is a chorus of assent.)
Tee Hee: Well, okay, but count me out.
Adam: Join us, Tee Hee- you might get a good hand. (The gangsters all laugh.)
Tee Hee: Oh very funny, very funny.
1st Gangster: Sure we can’t hook you in?
Tee Hee: Enough, already.
Adam: Promise we won’t palm any aces.
Tee Hee: That’s it, I’m gonna sit with Mr Big.
1st Gangster: Never mind, Tee Hee. There’s no ‘arm in it.
2nd Gangster: That’s right, we don’t mean any ‘arm.
Tee Hee: Quit it, you guys!
1st Gangster: Hey Tee Hee, when that Bond character gets here, do you think he'll be... armed or unarmed? (The gangsters fall about laughing.)
2nd Gangster: Well, Tee Hee will just have to make sure that he's armless! (They roll about on the floor, overcome with giggles.)
Tee Hee: Look, enough is enough, I oughta-
Adam: Look guys, Tee Hee is right. He’s a great guy and we all love him. In fact- let’s give him a great big hand! (The guys can barely breathe.)
Tee Hee: Why, you- (The door to the inner office opens and the laughter instantly stops.)
Mr Big: Tee Hee, come here a minute.
Tee Hee: Yes sir, right away.
Adam: Oh, you better go, Tee Hee. Sounds like the boss wants-
All: (Together.) A hand! (They laugh helplessly as Tee Hee grumblingly goes into the office.)
Adam: Right, boys, get the cards out. What do you wanna play?
1st Gangster: Two-handed canasta? (The gangsters all fall about, holding their sides with laughter.)
Martin Campbell: Ok… places everybody… and action!
Pierce: Er... line, please.
Martin: Just say your name.
Pierce: I'm Pierce-
Martin: (Rolling his eyes.) No, no. Your character's name, Pierce…. (Aside.) Perhaps we should have tried a bit harder to get Tim back…
Pierce: The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! A bit less Irish, Pierce, please. Not what we’re after. And… action!
Pierce: The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! A bit less Scottish, please, Pierce. You can’t pull that off. And… action!
Voice: (Off camera.) The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! That’s perfect, Pierce, just right!
Pierce: But… I didn’t say anything.
Voice: (Entering.) I’m afraid that was me. Sorry old boy. (It’s Roger Moore.)
Pierce: Oh my God!
Roger: No, just one of your predecessors.
Pierce: Roger!
Roger: Pierce! Truly one of the handsomest in all the land .... and you look good too, Pierce. (The crew all fall to their knees, chanting “We are not worthy, we are not worthy”. Martin impatiently motions them back up again.)
Martin: What brings you here, Roger?
Roger: Oh, I was in the neighbourhood and thought I’d drop by.
Pierce: Ah, thank goodness- for a moment I thought Barbara or Michael was trying to tell me something!
Martin: Photo opportunity! Where’s the stills photographer?
Crew: He's spending a lot of time outside Famke Janssen’s dressing room- oh here he comes now!
Stills: (Panting, out of breath.) Right here, Mr Campbell!
Martin: You didn't have to run.
Stills: What? I wasn't running. (Panting.)
Martin: Hmmm... Just take a pic of Roger and Pierce together.
Pierce: What’s with the beard, Roger?
Roger: It’s for a film I’m shooting, with Jean Claude Van Damme.
Pierce: Martial arts? Like you did in “The Man With The Golden Gun”? You got a belt, didn't you?
Roger: Er… no, not like that. Yes, I got a belt from one of those young schoolgirls- they were stronger than they looked, but I was very brave and didn't cry. (Not changing the subject at all.) Will you be driving an Aston Martin, Pierce?
Pierce: (Pleased.) Yes, at the start.
Roger: (Sad.) They never gave me an Aston Martin. I had a Lotus, but it did have a lot of gadgets and go underwater. I take it your car is full of tricks?
Pierce: Er, no, but later Q gives me a BMW and it’s full of gadgets like Stinger missiles.
Roger: Great, I’ll look forward to seeing you use those.
Pierce: Er, I don’t actually use any of them.
Roger: I see. Well, maybe next time. (Pauses.) So tell me, where are all the girls?
Pierce: Girls?
Roger: Yes, you know, the Bond girls. Gathered round me... ah, you, in a swimming pool, or going up into space, or something?
Pierce: You're behind the times, Roger. 'You know who' saw to that.
Roger: Oh yes. That never happened to the other feller, did it? He was definitely missing a bit of sex and misogyny in the Bond character.
Pierce: Funny you should say that.
Roger: So what's the title of this one, then? Maybe 'Risico', 'The Hildebrand Rarity' or - heaven forbid - 'Quantum of Solace'?
Pierce: 'Quantum of' what? That'll never catch on. No, it's called "Goldeneye"- you know, the name of Ian Fleming's house in Jamaica.
Roger: Good thing he didn't end up calling "Cirrhosis By The Sea", like Noel Coward suggested.
Pierce: Hey- about our car chase in Monte Carlo. Our stunt driver Remy Julienne describes it as a race between "a perfectly shaped, old and vulnerable vehicle" and, of course, the newer model- "a sporty young thoroughbred". (He grins.)
Roger: Yes, well the thing about those older models - they're classics. Let's just see which one the audience cheers, eh? So what's the plan for this afternoon?
Pierce: Barbara and Michael asked John Barry to do the score, but he said no, unless he could write the title song as well.
Roger: Oh, that’s a shame. What are they going to do?
Pierce: The music. I heard Barbara saying she'd heard a metal pipe falling down some metal stairs and thought it a wonderful sound, so that’s the direction they want to go in.
Roger: Oh dear….
Fleming: Good morning, dear boy.
Publisher: Ian! I didn’t expect to see you again so soon- it’s been only a few months since your last James Bond book!
Fleming: Oh, well, I suppose I could wait a while…
Publisher: No no! “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is selling like hot cakes. If you’ve got another one we’d be delighted to take it on board.
Fleming: Ah good, I’m glad to hear that.
Publisher: Care for a drink?
Fleming: Naturally- I believe you know by now what I like?
Publisher: Oh, of course. (Reaches for the appropriate bottles.) So, I take it you’ve got Bond off on a roaring rampage of revenge after the end of that last one, eh?
Fleming: Well-
Publisher: Thirsting for vengeance against… oh, what was the name again? Bluefield? Bleuchamp?
Fleming: Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Publisher: Yes, that’s the chap. Now, I bet you’ve got James Bond tearing around the world trying to track him down. Maybe strangling a model with her own bikini top? Perhaps he's beating up a gambler in Cairo? Or kicking some guy in Japan?
Fleming: No, not at all. In fact, it isn’t a James Bond book. (The publisher drops the glass he was just about to hand to Fleming.)
Fleming: Silly you, now you’ll have to start all over again.
Publisher: Not a Bond book?
Fleming: No, it’s a compilation of pieces I wrote for The Sunday Times, in which I give my views of various glamorous cities I went to- Hong Kong, Macau, Tokyo, Honolulu, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Chicago, New York, Hamburg, Berlin, Vienna, Geneva, Naples and Monte Carlo. I call it “Thrilling Cities”.
Publisher: But-
Fleming: Now, you said you’d be delighted to take it on board.
Publisher: Yes, but-
Fleming: And meantime I’m working on my next Bond book. Now, you do want that one, don’t you?
Publisher: (Seeing which way the wind blows.) You’re absolutely right, Ian, we’ll be delighted to publish this one.
Fleming: I thought you would. Now, you were saying something about a drink....?
All good stuff. That said, it was a white Fiat Uno, not a Renault I understand. Unless Barbel was the one driving at the time...
BTW the producer of Da Da Da was the Beatles' mate Klaus, who played bass with the Plastic Ono Band and designed the Revolver sleeve. You almost certainly know this, Barbel. -{
{[] Great to see at last, a light hearted comedy thread finally gets a fact checker
I was beginning to think some of these conversations may not have taken place
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
1967. A room in Hong Kong after James Bond has been “killed” in a covert sham operation to lull the opposition into a false sense of security. Only Agent Ling and a mysterious agent with a Scottish accent are left in the room...
Agent: Sho, it all went well Ling, was it hard work with Bond?
Ling: I should say so, he kept me at it all night!
Agent: A real labour of love?
Ling: Very enjoyable, and you sound very much like Bond, I must say.
The agent rubs his chin, thoughtfully.
Ling: Are you alright?
Agent: Jusht a shllight shhtiffness coming on.
Ling: You are funny at pretending to not like girls...
Agent: You’re a picture and twishe as lovely in the firelight
Ling: That’s not firelight, it’s the neon sign from the strip club opposite.
Agent: You’re not the usual type of girl, Ling. Call me........Barbel...(who begins to rub Chin, thoughtfully, hmmm)
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
In an undisclosed building, in an undisclosed room, a small group of men enter.
Barbel : Quickly TP three Chairs
TP: hip, hip, hooray, Hip Hip ....
Barbel: I said CHAIRS !!
TP: Sorry (Chairs are placed round Barbel's desk.)
Barbel : You're probably wondering why I've asked you all here.
(C&D arrives late and pushes TP off his chair.)
Barbel: Well ! ... Now that we're all here !!
C&D: Sorry chief.
CHB: Yes sir why are we here?
Barbel: It has come to my notice that some work has gone missing of late.
TP: Hey, I didn't agree to stay late.
Barbel: What has happened to all the green trainer jokes I requested?
CHB: We got fourteen million from Asp9mm, all the man had. He seemed to have a yen for them.
C&D: Also there was the fire
Barbel: Fire.
(A gun shot rings out, and a dart appears in the poster of the tennis girl scratching her bottom.)
Barbel: Why thank you TP, ruining my precious art work!
(He snatches the dart gun from TP and puts it in a desk drawer.)
Barbel: What fire?
C&D : I had a whole sketch about green trainers set up and somehow it ended up burned in my
waste basket
( Barbel rubs Chin, as Chin serves some drinks, Chin leaves and Barbel sits down again stroking
a white Haggis )
CHB: Same with Me.
Barbel: Arson ?
TP: Seems to be a lot of Arson about.
Barbel: There usually is on this thread......... but the culprit is known to me and I have decided on the
appropriate action.
(On some undisclosed street, a figure in green trainers is buying some ice-cream, as he turns to cross it
His phone rings, he answers .... )
Phone voice: Is this Higgybum?
Figure in green trainers: I am not called .....
(Just as he's knocked to the ground by a passing cyclist ..... )
Figure in green trainers: It's True ! ...... He has got people everywhere !
(as the cyclist with the Number 24 on his back rides off .... )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Barbel: My plans for world domination have been foiled again- and I'd have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! (Rubs chin thoughtfully.)
) ) ) Thank you, guys, much appreciated. You've made an old man feel happy. (Realises he's opened the door to Seven Dwarves jokes.) Er, I mean glad!
In an undisclosed building, in an undisclosed room, a small group of men enter.
Barbel : Quickly TP three Chairs
TP: hip, hip, hooray, Hip Hip ....
Barbel: I said CHAIRS !!
TP: Sorry ( chairs are placed round Barbel's desk )
Barbel : You're probably wondering why I've asked you all here.
(C&D ARRIVES Late and pushes TP off his chair )
Barbel: Well ! ... Now that we're all here !!
C&D: Sorry chief
I nearly peed myself with laughter reading these! Brilliant, CHB and TP! ) ) ) ) )
1989. Eon HQ, below a “Fillet Of Soul” in New York.
Cubby: Right, team, what ideas have we got?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we’ve pretty much exhausted all of the Fleming titles so we’re free to think up a new one.
John Glen: Or use one of the continuation authors’ titles, like “Licence Renewed”.
MGW: A licence would have to be revoked before it was renewed.
John: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Licence revoked.
MGW: How about one with Bond as a rookie agent on his first mission? Maybe how he became 007?
Cubby: Who would want to see that?
John: Maybe the bad guys want to grab hold of all the water rights in a warm country, then make them pay dearly for their water.
Richard: Water? Bit of a comedown after all the missions Bond has been on. I’m thinking of a revenge plot- the bad guys kill someone close to Bond, so he goes on a personal revenge mission.
John: Like M or Q?
BB: How about the bad guy spends the whole movie trying to kill M, and at the end he succeeds and gets her?
Cubby: Her?
BB: Er, sorry, Dad, just thinking ahead.
MGW: How about bringing back one of the old villains?
Cubby: Old villains?
BB: Yes, like maybe Dr No.
MGW: Or Goldfinger’s brother- you know, Richard, like you originally thought of for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Richard: Well, I don’t know, we did think of that, then as you know we replaced him with Blofeld.
BB: Well, Blofeld could have a brother-
MGW: And we could decide that he’s-
BB/MGW: (Together.) James Bond’s brother!
Cubby: (Looks at them incredulously.) That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of. (A slow grinding sound can be heard from outside.)
BB: That’s scary- what is that?
Richard: Oh, you’ll get used to it. Cubby and I have heard it many times.
Cubby: It’s just Ian Fleming rolling in his grave.
2015. The Broccoli mansion, the night after the premiere of “Spectre”. BB sleeps peacefully as a ghostly figure enters her room.
Ghost: Barbara…
BB: (Still sleeping.) Oh Daniel, I never thought….
Ghost: Barbara Broccoli!
BB: (Awakes.) Oh! What? …. Dad?
Ghost: I am the ghost of your father, disturbed from my slumbers by the heinous abomination you have brought upon my legacy.
BB: What do you mean, heinous abomination? He’s a little short, I know, and yes, he does have blond hair but-
Ghost: Will you stop thinking about him just for a moment? You and your brother are responsible for making Bond and Blofeld brothers!
BB: Well, foster brothers actua-
Ghost: As if audiences will remember that detail! (He produces a whip made from a stingray tail. BB runs from her room in terror. There, she meets MGW running from his room.)
MGW: Barbara!
BB: Oh Michael, I just saw the ghost of father! He’s risen because we made Bond and Blofeld brothers! And he had a stingray whip!
MGW: You’re lucky- I got the ghost of Ian Fleming, and he had a carpet beater!
While the queen and the duke are a well known and welcome double act, this imaginary conversation made me want to see Charles and Diana too, perhaps we can find out what really happened when they visited the set of TLD?
Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous and I are at your command....
1987. Eon HQ, on top of a Ferris wheel in Vienna.
Cubby: Team, with us launching a new James Bond in this movie we have to squeeze out every ounce of publicity we can. Any ideas?
John Glen: Well, we could have him arrive via an inflatable boat down the River Thames, with a bright orange lifejacket on.
Cubby: Dumb idea, don’t like it.
MGW: How about he goes skydiving with the Queen from a helicopter?
Cubby: Come on, people, let’s get serious here.
BB: We could invite Prince Charles and Princess Diana to visit our set? Guaranteed coverage in all the newspapers and magazines, and it would go viral on social media if that had been invented yet, this being 1987.
Cubby: I like it!
Inside a Range Rover on its way to Pinewood Studios.
Diana: We’ll see behind the scenes of a James Bond film! I’m so excited!
Charles: One will put up with it, one supposes.
Diana: Come on, Charles, a womanising, ex-Naval officer who drives an Aston Martin, remind you of anyone?
Charles: Daddy?
Diana: (Rolls her eyes.) Hey, watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.)
Charles: What did you say?
Diana: Never mind. I wish you’d drive more carefully, Charles.
Charles: Well, one’s father did offer to drive us there.
Diana: In that case, you’re doing a wonderful job. By the way, what was he looking at in that car magazine?
Charles: Said he had his eye on a white Fiat Uno.
Outside the 007 stage.
MGW: Here they come now, Cubby.
Cubby: Right, everyone get ready. Is the Aston Martin safely hidden away in case he wants to drive it?
BB: It’s out of sight, Dad.
Cubby: Good. (The car draws up and the Royal couple emerge.)
Cubby: Welcome, your Royal Highnesses. Please alight from your four wheel drive carriage. (They emerge with one bodyguard.)
Diana: There were always three in our carriage.
Cubby: Please meet our new James Bond, Mr Timothy Dalton.
Charles: Good afternoon, Mr Dalton.
Tim: And to you, sir.
Diana: You look familiar, what films might I have seen you in?
Tim: Well, I was in Flash Gordon.
Diana: Aha!
MGW: Actually, they’re singing the title song.
Diana: What, Queen are doing the title song?
John Barry: (Aside.) I wish…
MGW: No, a-ha are doing the title song. (John Barry walks off, muttering.)
Charles: Flash Gordon, I thought he was dead.
Brian Blessed: Flash Gordon’s ALIVE!!!!
Cubby: Security, please ask Mr Blessed to leave the set.
Charles: (Pointing to a tall, statuesque woman in a boiler suit.) She looks familiar – who is she?
Cubby: That’s Julie Wallace.
Charles: What might one have seen her in?
Cubby: “The Life and Loves of a She-Devil”, Your Highness.
Charles: Ah yes, I’m very familiar with those…
Charles: Who are those two chaps over there?
Cubby: Those are two of our stuntmen, your Highness. They’re rehearsing for our pre-credit sequence.
Charles: Looks like fun! What have you got planned?
Cubby: They’re practicing diving from a plane.
Diana: Charles, perhaps you’d like to try that too? I’d be happy to pack your parachute.
Charles: So thoughtful, Diana. (He points to one of the stuntmen.) That one’s terrific. What’s his name?
Cubby: Umm, it’s ‘BJ’ your Highness. BJ Worth.
Charles: What's a BJ worth?
Diana: Why don't you ask Camilla!
John Glen: Now here we have our special bottles made of what we call “sugar glass”. It’ll look realistic onscreen if smashed but won’t cause any harm.
Diana: Oooh, can I try?
John: You certainly can, ma’am. (Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head.)
Charles: Hey!
John: Sorry ma’am, you appear to have used a real one by mistake.
Diana: Oh? What a silly girlish mistake.
John: Here, try this one. (Diana picks up a bottle and smashes it over Charles’ head again.)
Diana: Can I have about three dozen of those, please?
John: Of course, three dozen fake bottles...
Diana: (Aside.) And if a few real ones get mixed in, I wouldn't mind.
Back in '79, TP and I were hanging out inside one of those space shuttle things and we overheard this....
1979. (Outer Space!)
Holly: It's all right. We're on a prearranged flight programme.
James: So we don’t have to do anything?
Holly: Not for some time. The computerised Tesla guidance computer is in full control.
James: Good, gives me time to, er... spend a penny.
Holly: There's no Duty Free, James.
James: I need the bathroom.
Holly: No time for ablutions James.
James: Holly, I need to drain the-
Holly: No, James, (Looking at her control panel.) all drainage is automatic.
James: Look here Holly, I need the toilet!!
Holly: The toilet? But you’re James Bond! You're like The Queen or Cliff Richard, you never go to the toilet!
James: Well, that’s not strictly-
Holly: Oh, I know we have seen or will see you take a shower- not usually alone, of course-
Holly: - or even maybe a bath-
Holly: But in ten movies plus two versions of “Casino Royale” you’ve never gone to the toilet!
James: (Becoming a bit concerned.) I know, I know- but in one toilet a man did expose his...
Holly: What?
James: ... credentials to me.
Holly: I suppose we’ve all just assumed you went when no-one was looking, although sometimes that would be pretty difficult, but this is the first time I or anyone else has ever heard you-
James: (Beginning to get urgent.) Look, Holly, it’s-
Holly: There was that time when you went through a window and landed in Willard Whyte’s toilet, but even then you didn’t-
James: (More urgently.) Holly! Will you please-
Holly: You might have gone once or twice in the books, I suppose, though I don’t remember Fleming mentioning it.
James: (Really urgent now.) HOLLY! Enough! Will you just tell me where the toilet is on this blasted space shuttle, please?
Holly: Through that door, first on the right.
James: Thank you. (He exits… then returns a few moments later.)
Holly: That was quick!
James: (Abashed.) Would you tell me how to get this damned spacesuit open, please?
1973. Langley, USA. Director’s Office. Felix Leiter enters.
Felix: You wanted to see me, chief?
Director: Yes, come in Felix, take a seat.
Felix: (Sitting down.) What’s happening?
Director: You’ve heard of San Monique, I suppose?
Felix: Sure, it’s in the Caribbean. Doesn’t resemble Jamaica in the slightest, from what I hear. Most definitely not, in any way at all.
Director: Yeah, that’s it. The island that most surely is not Jamaica and any resemblance is completely coincidental. Their Prime Minister is one Dr Kananga, who’s in New York right now attending the United Nations.
Felix: And…?
Director: Three agents have been killed in the last 24 hours- all Brits, though one was on loan to us. One was on San Monique, one in New York keeping an eye on Dr Kananga, and one in New Orleans- that was the one on loan to us.
Felix: So you want me to go to San Monique and see what I can find?
Director: Only if necessary. First I want you to go to New York and observe this Dr Kananga.
Felix: Sure, chief, I’ll get on it right away.
Director: Oh, and the Brits will be sending a man over to work with you. It was a bad line so I didn’t get the name right- sounded like James Pond or James Bong or something like that…. What’s up, Felix?
Felix: (All the blood drains from his face.) You mean James Bond?
Director: Yes, that’s it! I think you two have met before?
Felix: Damn right we’ve met before! It’s always the same! I do all the hard work and he takes all the credit!
Director: Now, Felix-
Felix: You remember that time I stopped Fort Knox from being flattened by a nuclear bomb? Did I get invited to meet the President, with liquor for three on board the plane? Did I hell! He gets all that! And a beautiful girl too!
Director: But Felix-
Felix: Then I rescued Miami from being blown up the next year and again he gets all the credit! And another beautiful girl too!
Director: Look, Felix-
Felix: Then only a year or two ago I saved Washington DC from being zapped by a laser beam from outer space. Do I get any thanks? No, he gets all the credit and a ride on a luxury liner with a beautiful girl!
Director: I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here, but Felix that doesn’t change anything. I’m sending you to New York, and you will work with this James Bond character and you will like it, do you understand?
Felix: (Reluctantly.) Yes sir, I understand. Another two hours twenty minutes of me saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”
Director: That’s it.
Felix: Well, I’ll do it. It’s not as if it’ll cost me an arm and a leg.
A debatable year somewhere between 1908 and 1968...probably. Skyfall. No, the house.
Baby: Waaah!!!
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs Bond, you have a fine healthy baby boy.
Monique: Can I… can I hold him?
Doctor: Of course. (He hands Monique the baby.) I’ll just go and get your husband. (Goes to the door.) Mr Bond, you can come in now. (The doctor leaves the room as an excited Andrew Bond comes in.)
Andrew: Oh, Monique, darling! (He kisses his wife.)
Monique: Look, Andrew, he’s so beautiful. (Andrew kisses the baby.)
Andrew: Kincade, come in and have a look! (The faithful Kincade, at this age bearing a striking resemblance to Ewan McGregor, enters the room and examines the baby.)
Kincade: Aye, a fine lad, a fine lad indeed. Congratulations to ye both. Have ye thought of a name yet?
Monique: A name?
Andrew: Why, no, not yet.
Kincade: Then may I suggest ye start thinking about one? (Kincade exits.)
Andrew: Why, all these months and we haven’t decided on what to call him. How about… Miles? Felix?
Monique: Oh no, definitely not.
Andrew: Auric? Julius?
Monique: Even worse! Maybe Sean? Roger?
Andrew: Hmmm, maybe Ian?
Monique: I like that! Keep that one in mind if we don’t come up with something else. I’m thinking… Ernst?
Andrew: Now, there’s a possibility. Ernst! Yes, that’s in with a chance.
Monique: How about James?
Andrew: Oh, I like that one too! Very much!
Monique: If only he were twins, then we could have one called James and one called Ernst.
Andrew: Well, he isn’t twins. Most definitely not. In no way.
Monique: Yes, this baby most definitely does not have a brother. (Looks straight at audience.) I could not make this any clearer.
Andrew: So, his name is-
Monique: (Looking lovingly at her baby.) Bond. James Bond.
Andrew: It’s a good name.
Monique: And most definitely not a codename. (Looks straight at audience again, while Andrew nods beside her.) Most definitely not, for the benefit of the hard of understanding.
Andrew: Shall I go prepare some milk?
Monique: Yes, please. And remember what I told you.
Comments
Superb! You've just won the hole and the match!
Danke an Bride of Barbel
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Adam: Hey, are we sure this Bond guy will be here? Dropping in, you might say?
Tee Hee: We’re sure. Why else would that Strutter dude be waiting outside?
Adam: Well, it’s boring hanging round. How about a game of cards?
(There is a chorus of assent.)
Tee Hee: Well, okay, but count me out.
Adam: Join us, Tee Hee- you might get a good hand.
(The gangsters all laugh.)
Tee Hee: Oh very funny, very funny.
1st Gangster: Sure we can’t hook you in?
Tee Hee: Enough, already.
Adam: Promise we won’t palm any aces.
Tee Hee: That’s it, I’m gonna sit with Mr Big.
1st Gangster: Never mind, Tee Hee. There’s no ‘arm in it.
2nd Gangster: That’s right, we don’t mean any ‘arm.
Tee Hee: Quit it, you guys!
1st Gangster: Hey Tee Hee, when that Bond character gets here, do you think he'll be... armed or unarmed?
(The gangsters fall about laughing.)
2nd Gangster: Well, Tee Hee will just have to make sure that he's armless!
(They roll about on the floor, overcome with giggles.)
Tee Hee: Look, enough is enough, I oughta-
Adam: Look guys, Tee Hee is right. He’s a great guy and we all love him. In fact- let’s give him a great big hand!
(The guys can barely breathe.)
Tee Hee: Why, you-
(The door to the inner office opens and the laughter instantly stops.)
Mr Big: Tee Hee, come here a minute.
Tee Hee: Yes sir, right away.
Adam: Oh, you better go, Tee Hee. Sounds like the boss wants-
All: (Together.) A hand!
(They laugh helplessly as Tee Hee grumblingly goes into the office.)
Adam: Right, boys, get the cards out. What do you wanna play?
1st Gangster: Two-handed canasta?
(The gangsters all fall about, holding their sides with laughter.)
1995. Leavesden, England. Set of “Goldeneye”.
Martin Campbell: Ok… places everybody… and action!
Pierce: Er... line, please.
Martin: Just say your name.
Pierce: I'm Pierce-
Martin: (Rolling his eyes.) No, no. Your character's name, Pierce…. (Aside.) Perhaps we should have tried a bit harder to get Tim back…
Pierce: The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! A bit less Irish, Pierce, please. Not what we’re after. And… action!
Pierce: The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! A bit less Scottish, please, Pierce. You can’t pull that off. And… action!
Voice: (Off camera.) The name’s Bond- James Bond.
Martin: Cut! That’s perfect, Pierce, just right!
Pierce: But… I didn’t say anything.
Voice: (Entering.) I’m afraid that was me. Sorry old boy.
(It’s Roger Moore.)
Pierce: Oh my God!
Roger: No, just one of your predecessors.
Pierce: Roger!
Roger: Pierce! Truly one of the handsomest in all the land .... and you look good too, Pierce.
(The crew all fall to their knees, chanting “We are not worthy, we are not worthy”. Martin impatiently motions them back up again.)
Martin: What brings you here, Roger?
Roger: Oh, I was in the neighbourhood and thought I’d drop by.
Pierce: Ah, thank goodness- for a moment I thought Barbara or Michael was trying to tell me something!
Martin: Photo opportunity! Where’s the stills photographer?
Crew: He's spending a lot of time outside Famke Janssen’s dressing room- oh here he comes now!
Stills: (Panting, out of breath.) Right here, Mr Campbell!
Martin: You didn't have to run.
Stills: What? I wasn't running. (Panting.)
Martin: Hmmm... Just take a pic of Roger and Pierce together.
Pierce: What’s with the beard, Roger?
Roger: It’s for a film I’m shooting, with Jean Claude Van Damme.
Pierce: Martial arts? Like you did in “The Man With The Golden Gun”? You got a belt, didn't you?
Roger: Er… no, not like that. Yes, I got a belt from one of those young schoolgirls- they were stronger than they looked, but I was very brave and didn't cry. (Not changing the subject at all.) Will you be driving an Aston Martin, Pierce?
Pierce: (Pleased.) Yes, at the start.
Roger: (Sad.) They never gave me an Aston Martin. I had a Lotus, but it did have a lot of gadgets and go underwater. I take it your car is full of tricks?
Pierce: Er, no, but later Q gives me a BMW and it’s full of gadgets like Stinger missiles.
Roger: Great, I’ll look forward to seeing you use those.
Pierce: Er, I don’t actually use any of them.
Roger: I see. Well, maybe next time. (Pauses.) So tell me, where are all the girls?
Pierce: Girls?
Roger: Yes, you know, the Bond girls. Gathered round me... ah, you, in a swimming pool, or going up into space, or something?
Pierce: You're behind the times, Roger. 'You know who' saw to that.
Roger: Oh yes. That never happened to the other feller, did it? He was definitely missing a bit of sex and misogyny in the Bond character.
Pierce: Funny you should say that.
Roger: So what's the title of this one, then? Maybe 'Risico', 'The Hildebrand Rarity' or - heaven forbid - 'Quantum of Solace'?
Pierce: 'Quantum of' what? That'll never catch on. No, it's called "Goldeneye"- you know, the name of Ian Fleming's house in Jamaica.
Roger: Good thing he didn't end up calling "Cirrhosis By The Sea", like Noel Coward suggested.
Pierce: Hey- about our car chase in Monte Carlo. Our stunt driver Remy Julienne describes it as a race between "a perfectly shaped, old and vulnerable vehicle" and, of course, the newer model- "a sporty young thoroughbred". (He grins.)
Roger: Yes, well the thing about those older models - they're classics. Let's just see which one the audience cheers, eh? So what's the plan for this afternoon?
Pierce: Barbara and Michael asked John Barry to do the score, but he said no, unless he could write the title song as well.
Roger: Oh, that’s a shame. What are they going to do?
Pierce: The music. I heard Barbara saying she'd heard a metal pipe falling down some metal stairs and thought it a wonderful sound, so that’s the direction they want to go in.
Roger: Oh dear….
Fleming: Good morning, dear boy.
Publisher: Ian! I didn’t expect to see you again so soon- it’s been only a few months since your last James Bond book!
Fleming: Oh, well, I suppose I could wait a while…
Publisher: No no! “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” is selling like hot cakes. If you’ve got another one we’d be delighted to take it on board.
Fleming: Ah good, I’m glad to hear that.
Publisher: Care for a drink?
Fleming: Naturally- I believe you know by now what I like?
Publisher: Oh, of course. (Reaches for the appropriate bottles.) So, I take it you’ve got Bond off on a roaring rampage of revenge after the end of that last one, eh?
Fleming: Well-
Publisher: Thirsting for vengeance against… oh, what was the name again? Bluefield? Bleuchamp?
Fleming: Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Publisher: Yes, that’s the chap. Now, I bet you’ve got James Bond tearing around the world trying to track him down. Maybe strangling a model with her own bikini top? Perhaps he's beating up a gambler in Cairo? Or kicking some guy in Japan?
Fleming: No, not at all. In fact, it isn’t a James Bond book.
(The publisher drops the glass he was just about to hand to Fleming.)
Fleming: Silly you, now you’ll have to start all over again.
Publisher: Not a Bond book?
Fleming: No, it’s a compilation of pieces I wrote for The Sunday Times, in which I give my views of various glamorous cities I went to- Hong Kong, Macau, Tokyo, Honolulu, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Chicago, New York, Hamburg, Berlin, Vienna, Geneva, Naples and Monte Carlo. I call it “Thrilling Cities”.
Publisher: But-
Fleming: Now, you said you’d be delighted to take it on board.
Publisher: Yes, but-
Fleming: And meantime I’m working on my next Bond book. Now, you do want that one, don’t you?
Publisher: (Seeing which way the wind blows.) You’re absolutely right, Ian, we’ll be delighted to publish this one.
Fleming: I thought you would. Now, you were saying something about a drink....?
BTW the producer of Da Da Da was the Beatles' mate Klaus, who played bass with the Plastic Ono Band and designed the Revolver sleeve. You almost certainly know this, Barbel. -{
Roger Moore 1927-2017
Roger Moore 1927-2017
Being a Beatle fan I of course know about Klaus Voorman, but I don't get the reference. Da Da Da?
I was beginning to think some of these conversations may not have taken place
Agent: Sho, it all went well Ling, was it hard work with Bond?
Ling: I should say so, he kept me at it all night!
Agent: A real labour of love?
Ling: Very enjoyable, and you sound very much like Bond, I must say.
The agent rubs his chin, thoughtfully.
Ling: Are you alright?
Agent: Jusht a shllight shhtiffness coming on.
Ling: You are funny at pretending to not like girls...
Agent: You’re a picture and twishe as lovely in the firelight
Ling: That’s not firelight, it’s the neon sign from the strip club opposite.
Agent: You’re not the usual type of girl, Ling. Call me........Barbel...(who begins to rub Chin, thoughtfully, hmmm)
Barbel : Quickly TP three Chairs
TP: hip, hip, hooray, Hip Hip ....
Barbel: I said CHAIRS !!
TP: Sorry (Chairs are placed round Barbel's desk.)
Barbel : You're probably wondering why I've asked you all here.
(C&D arrives late and pushes TP off his chair.)
Barbel: Well ! ... Now that we're all here !!
C&D: Sorry chief.
CHB: Yes sir why are we here?
Barbel: It has come to my notice that some work has gone missing of late.
TP: Hey, I didn't agree to stay late.
Barbel: What has happened to all the green trainer jokes I requested?
CHB: We got fourteen million from Asp9mm, all the man had. He seemed to have a yen for them.
C&D: Also there was the fire
Barbel: Fire.
(A gun shot rings out, and a dart appears in the poster of the tennis girl scratching her bottom.)
Barbel: Why thank you TP, ruining my precious art work!
(He snatches the dart gun from TP and puts it in a desk drawer.)
Barbel: What fire?
C&D : I had a whole sketch about green trainers set up and somehow it ended up burned in my
waste basket
( Barbel rubs Chin, as Chin serves some drinks, Chin leaves and Barbel sits down again stroking
a white Haggis )
CHB: Same with Me.
Barbel: Arson ?
TP: Seems to be a lot of Arson about.
Barbel: There usually is on this thread......... but the culprit is known to me and I have decided on the
appropriate action.
(On some undisclosed street, a figure in green trainers is buying some ice-cream, as he turns to cross it
His phone rings, he answers .... )
Phone voice: Is this Higgybum?
Figure in green trainers: I am not called .....
(Just as he's knocked to the ground by a passing cyclist ..... )
Figure in green trainers: It's True ! ...... He has got people everywhere !
(as the cyclist with the Number 24 on his back rides off .... )
(Rubs chin thoughtfully.)
I nearly peed myself with laughter reading these! Brilliant, CHB and TP!
Cubby: Right, team, what ideas have we got?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we’ve pretty much exhausted all of the Fleming titles so we’re free to think up a new one.
John Glen: Or use one of the continuation authors’ titles, like “Licence Renewed”.
MGW: A licence would have to be revoked before it was renewed.
John: Oh, yeah, you’re right. Licence revoked.
MGW: How about one with Bond as a rookie agent on his first mission? Maybe how he became 007?
Cubby: Who would want to see that?
John: Maybe the bad guys want to grab hold of all the water rights in a warm country, then make them pay dearly for their water.
Richard: Water? Bit of a comedown after all the missions Bond has been on. I’m thinking of a revenge plot- the bad guys kill someone close to Bond, so he goes on a personal revenge mission.
John: Like M or Q?
BB: How about the bad guy spends the whole movie trying to kill M, and at the end he succeeds and gets her?
Cubby: Her?
BB: Er, sorry, Dad, just thinking ahead.
MGW: How about bringing back one of the old villains?
Cubby: Old villains?
BB: Yes, like maybe Dr No.
MGW: Or Goldfinger’s brother- you know, Richard, like you originally thought of for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Richard: Well, I don’t know, we did think of that, then as you know we replaced him with Blofeld.
BB: Well, Blofeld could have a brother-
MGW: And we could decide that he’s-
BB/MGW: (Together.) James Bond’s brother!
Cubby: (Looks at them incredulously.) That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of.
(A slow grinding sound can be heard from outside.)
BB: That’s scary- what is that?
Richard: Oh, you’ll get used to it. Cubby and I have heard it many times.
Cubby: It’s just Ian Fleming rolling in his grave.
2015. The Broccoli mansion, the night after the premiere of “Spectre”. BB sleeps peacefully as a ghostly figure enters her room.
Ghost: Barbara…
BB: (Still sleeping.) Oh Daniel, I never thought….
Ghost: Barbara Broccoli!
BB: (Awakes.) Oh! What? …. Dad?
Ghost: I am the ghost of your father, disturbed from my slumbers by the heinous abomination you have brought upon my legacy.
BB: What do you mean, heinous abomination? He’s a little short, I know, and yes, he does have blond hair but-
Ghost: Will you stop thinking about him just for a moment? You and your brother are responsible for making Bond and Blofeld brothers!
BB: Well, foster brothers actua-
Ghost: As if audiences will remember that detail!
(He produces a whip made from a stingray tail. BB runs from her room in terror. There, she meets MGW running from his room.)
MGW: Barbara!
BB: Oh Michael, I just saw the ghost of father! He’s risen because we made Bond and Blofeld brothers! And he had a stingray whip!
MGW: You’re lucky- I got the ghost of Ian Fleming, and he had a carpet beater!
-{ -{
This is great!
1979. (Outer Space!)
Holly: It's all right. We're on a prearranged flight programme.
James: So we don’t have to do anything?
Holly: Not for some time. The computerised Tesla guidance computer is in full control.
James: Good, gives me time to, er... spend a penny.
Holly: There's no Duty Free, James.
James: I need the bathroom.
Holly: No time for ablutions James.
James: Holly, I need to drain the-
Holly: No, James, (Looking at her control panel.) all drainage is automatic.
James: Look here Holly, I need the toilet!!
Holly: The toilet? But you’re James Bond! You're like The Queen or Cliff Richard, you never go to the toilet!
James: Well, that’s not strictly-
Holly: Oh, I know we have seen or will see you take a shower- not usually alone, of course-
Holly: - or even maybe a bath-
Holly: But in ten movies plus two versions of “Casino Royale” you’ve never gone to the toilet!
James: (Becoming a bit concerned.) I know, I know- but in one toilet a man did expose his...
Holly: What?
James: ... credentials to me.
Holly: I suppose we’ve all just assumed you went when no-one was looking, although sometimes that would be pretty difficult, but this is the first time I or anyone else has ever heard you-
James: (Beginning to get urgent.) Look, Holly, it’s-
Holly: There was that time when you went through a window and landed in Willard Whyte’s toilet, but even then you didn’t-
James: (More urgently.) Holly! Will you please-
Holly: You might have gone once or twice in the books, I suppose, though I don’t remember Fleming mentioning it.
James: (Really urgent now.) HOLLY! Enough! Will you just tell me where the toilet is on this blasted space shuttle, please?
Holly: Through that door, first on the right.
James: Thank you.
(He exits… then returns a few moments later.)
Holly: That was quick!
James: (Abashed.) Would you tell me how to get this damned spacesuit open, please?
Felix: You wanted to see me, chief?
Director: Yes, come in Felix, take a seat.
Felix: (Sitting down.) What’s happening?
Director: You’ve heard of San Monique, I suppose?
Felix: Sure, it’s in the Caribbean. Doesn’t resemble Jamaica in the slightest, from what I hear. Most definitely not, in any way at all.
Director: Yeah, that’s it. The island that most surely is not Jamaica and any resemblance is completely coincidental. Their Prime Minister is one Dr Kananga, who’s in New York right now attending the United Nations.
Felix: And…?
Director: Three agents have been killed in the last 24 hours- all Brits, though one was on loan to us. One was on San Monique, one in New York keeping an eye on Dr Kananga, and one in New Orleans- that was the one on loan to us.
Felix: So you want me to go to San Monique and see what I can find?
Director: Only if necessary. First I want you to go to New York and observe this Dr Kananga.
Felix: Sure, chief, I’ll get on it right away.
Director: Oh, and the Brits will be sending a man over to work with you. It was a bad line so I didn’t get the name right- sounded like James Pond or James Bong or something like that…. What’s up, Felix?
Felix: (All the blood drains from his face.) You mean James Bond?
Director: Yes, that’s it! I think you two have met before?
Felix: Damn right we’ve met before! It’s always the same! I do all the hard work and he takes all the credit!
Director: Now, Felix-
Felix: You remember that time I stopped Fort Knox from being flattened by a nuclear bomb? Did I get invited to meet the President, with liquor for three on board the plane? Did I hell! He gets all that! And a beautiful girl too!
Director: But Felix-
Felix: Then I rescued Miami from being blown up the next year and again he gets all the credit! And another beautiful girl too!
Director: Look, Felix-
Felix: Then only a year or two ago I saved Washington DC from being zapped by a laser beam from outer space. Do I get any thanks? No, he gets all the credit and a ride on a luxury liner with a beautiful girl!
Director: I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here, but Felix that doesn’t change anything. I’m sending you to New York, and you will work with this James Bond character and you will like it, do you understand?
Felix: (Reluctantly.) Yes sir, I understand. Another two hours twenty minutes of me saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”
Director: That’s it.
Felix: Well, I’ll do it. It’s not as if it’ll cost me an arm and a leg.
Skyfall. No, the house.
Baby: Waaah!!!
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs Bond, you have a fine healthy baby boy.
Monique: Can I… can I hold him?
Doctor: Of course. (He hands Monique the baby.) I’ll just go and get your husband.
(Goes to the door.) Mr Bond, you can come in now.
(The doctor leaves the room as an excited Andrew Bond comes in.)
Andrew: Oh, Monique, darling! (He kisses his wife.)
Monique: Look, Andrew, he’s so beautiful. (Andrew kisses the baby.)
Andrew: Kincade, come in and have a look!
(The faithful Kincade, at this age bearing a striking resemblance to Ewan McGregor, enters the room and examines the baby.)
Kincade: Aye, a fine lad, a fine lad indeed. Congratulations to ye both. Have ye thought of a name yet?
Monique: A name?
Andrew: Why, no, not yet.
Kincade: Then may I suggest ye start thinking about one?
(Kincade exits.)
Andrew: Why, all these months and we haven’t decided on what to call him. How about… Miles? Felix?
Monique: Oh no, definitely not.
Andrew: Auric? Julius?
Monique: Even worse! Maybe Sean? Roger?
Andrew: Hmmm, maybe Ian?
Monique: I like that! Keep that one in mind if we don’t come up with something else. I’m thinking… Ernst?
Andrew: Now, there’s a possibility. Ernst! Yes, that’s in with a chance.
Monique: How about James?
Andrew: Oh, I like that one too! Very much!
Monique: If only he were twins, then we could have one called James and one called Ernst.
Andrew: Well, he isn’t twins. Most definitely not. In no way.
Monique: Yes, this baby most definitely does not have a brother. (Looks straight at audience.) I could not make this any clearer.
Andrew: So, his name is-
Monique: (Looking lovingly at her baby.) Bond. James Bond.
Andrew: It’s a good name.
Monique: And most definitely not a codename. (Looks straight at audience again, while Andrew nods beside her.) Most definitely not, for the benefit of the hard of understanding.
Andrew: Shall I go prepare some milk?
Monique: Yes, please. And remember what I told you.
I did Foster some reservations about
A brother, but then again it's a small
World.